Let My Big Heart Run Free

Having such huge intense archetypes hitting personal points on your natal chart is a hoot, let me tell ya.

These are no mere mortal mood swings I’m having.  It’s like the Gods and Goddesses are having recess in my psyche.  It’s so B I G . . . E P I C . . . I N T E N S E . . . and oh so D R A M A T I C.  I feel like this could use a soundtrack.  {goes to look for mood setting music}  Ah, here’s one.  It’s like living in the middle of this all of the time (Audiomachine – Guardians at the Gate):

Actually . . . pretty much anything by Audiomachine is appropriate.

In order to let that big of an energy through . . . you have to do some heavy duty surrendering, letting go, and opening up W I D E.  Meaning, you can’t be thinking small thoughts of yourself.  If you only think tiny little human thoughts, it doesn’t give enough room to let the archetype energy through . . . and it wreaks havoc on the physical body.

However, If you don’t have some sort of discipline around dealing with that intense of an energy . . . then you stop being able to properly function as a human here in the practical day-to-day world.  You could end up in the cuckoo house.

What I’m attempting to do in the middle of my own crazy . . . is surrender to the energy to easily allow it through (which makes it go from chaotic to peaceful within seconds) . . . but to ALSO ground it into this reality.  This requires that I simultaneously open and trust the energy going through me . . . BUT stay consciously aware and consciously direct the flow of the energy.

What I just described . . . the consciously channeling the archetype energy outwards . . . is an esoteric understanding of Aquarius . . . ruler of Uranus.  Uranus is currently on my Ascendant, coming in from the other side of the Veil (Pisces/12th house) into an individual person (Aries/1st house).  So . . . in a way, archetype energy is being birthed through me, the same as a baby’s soul comes through the mom and into the baby, and then she gives birth to the baby into this physical world.  Because this is Aries and Uranus . . . it could be birthing a bunch of new ideas.

I got to thinking about this earlier this morning because I had something start to switch in me.  I was feeling the “Wrathful Mother” coming through yesterday.  She was all grumpy gills at the Black Smoke (Pluto).  But having let that rage come through . . . it started clearing out blockages in my energy.  So then what I started to experience, was a deeper letting go inside of me.  I could feel myself deeper . . . and I started to bump into a reservoir of emotions and feelings.  Ones that were SO GIGANTIC . . . that I couldn’t let them through while I was holding a grudge against Mr. Black Smoke.  I couldn’t let the grudge go, until I let myself feel SUPER ANGRY about it.

When I first gently bumped into this reservoir I *remembered* it.  “Oh yes.  Now I remember this place.”  It’s where I feel and find my Neptune/Moon in my body.  It’s roughly the area of my lower spine . . . that’s a poor way to describe it, because it’s most definitely a place outside of time and space, but the doorway TO my Neptune/Moon is in that region of my body.

It’s where I have access to what I call my Heart.  Not my human heart . . . but my Big Momma Heart.  Neptune/Moon.  Compassionate Mother.

As I poked my big toe into the reservoir, I felt . . . I felt the Dark Smoke Pluto from another perspective.  I felt his . . . aloneness.  I felt his pain and hurt.  And it touched a bigger part of me . . . the Momma part of me.  I felt my bigger Heart s w E L L  HUGE.  I felt an understanding and love for what this being or archetype had gone through himself.  It’s not easy being the Devil.

So I could let it go . . . I could let the anger go that I felt towards that energy, and in doing so it gave me greater access to a deeper love and peace in me.

Then I had a clearer understanding of what I’m doing here.  That this large reservoir is related to my purpose.  That everything up to now has been preparation for me to be able to handle this larger archetype energy through and into this world.  These great.big.momma.feelers.  They are so huge that I can’t let them through while I pretend I’m a small nobody.  I can’t let them through while I’m holding onto anything that isn’t real.  I can’t let them through while I’m being self conscious.

Those things were in place in order to keep those big feelings from destroying me before I was ready . . . but I’m ready now.  So I have to let go of those limited, small thoughts in order to become what I came here to be and do.  I have to completely change my approach and perspective to life.  Let myself love big.  Let myself feel big.  Let my Big Heart run free.

Level Mom

The Rising Has Begun

I’ve had to take a little bit of time to think.

I’ve found myself wandering into new scenery and I’m having to move a little slower than usual to take in all the new sights and understand what is going on.

I feel very much how I’d imagine Alice in Wonderland felt when she found herself in a strange new land, including the mindless need to repeatedly say, “Curiouser and curiouser”.

Whenever we move into new phases in our lives, there is a transition period where you’re having to adjust from how you used to see yourself to how you are now starting to see yourself.  For example, when you move out of adolescence and into adulthood.

I am going through one of those shifts right now . . . except I didn’t know I’d experience a shift of this nature at my age.  I thought that once you made it solidly into adulthood . . . that you didn’t experience another shift of this nature until you were more towards the retiring years.  So . . . I guess previously I had thought (subconsciously), “This is it for me.  I never quite bloomed, but I didn’t quite fail miserably either.”

But then I start to wonder to myself . . . whether I had never fully matured in the first place.  I know they talk about someone being a late bloomer . . . but what does that even mean?  (<– has no idea.)  And because I’ve been known to take things to the extreme, I wouldn’t put it past me to take being a “late bloomer” to a whole new level.

When I really think about the whole concept . . . and the more I take stock on the whole of my life so far . . . the more it starts to dawn on me that no, I never really did bloom.  I never really did come out of my shell, or come into my own, or however you want to say it.

Things are beginning to feel different to me.  People are responding differently to me.  I’m responding differently . . . but it still somehow feels natural to me.  It all feels like a natural unfolding or product of the flow of life.  I have these moments where I start to see or more fully understand what is going on with me, and I start to tear up.  “It’s happening.”

Those moments come with realizations that everything up until now has been preparation in building a solid foundation within myself.  I have been learning, watching, observing, taking notes, contemplating, philosophizing, experimenting.  I have been taking my slow methodical turtle-like way through life.

Also in those moments, I become aware that I’ve been one of many people standing in a large crowd.  A large crowd of people who have been looking all around . . . high and low . . . far and near . . . to see who is in charge.  I’ve been one of the ones who have been waiting for a leader to appear.  Waiting for someone to step up.

And then suddenly becoming aware that slowly over time, more and more eyes had started to turn my way . . . and it dawning on me that the reason I can’t find the leader I’m looking for . . . is because I am her.  I am the leader that I’ve been looking for.

That’s what those moments feel like to me.

They make me start to cry because in those momentary flashes, I see myself in a way I’ve never seen before.  I become overwhelmed with emotion, because I really didn’t know . . . I really didn’t see my value up until this point.  So these flashes are a shock to my whole world perception.

{flash} “I matter?” {flash}

{flash} “I have something of value to offer others?” {flash}

I feel in an (almost) effortless manner, the person . . . the woman that I have always known myself to be inside, is starting to show herself on the outside.  It very much feels like a Disney moment where a wand is swished and a transformation takes place.  Except it’s in much slower motion.  So . . . maybe a time lapse of a couple of months speeded up would be more accurate.

But not any less magical.

I’m finding that the peacefulness that comes over me in those moments, is because I finally feel validated by life in general.  I feel a renewal in faith . . . in knowing that there truly was a reason that I went through everything I did.  I feel very humbled and satisfied inside . . . I no longer feel any need to try and prove anything . . . not even to myself.  I feel like I can let go of trying to force a purpose to my life just to make it tolerable.

I know that no matter what . . . I am okay.  That everything is going to be okay.  That everything *is* okay.

I feel complete confidence that I have been thoroughly prepared for whatever life has in store for me next.

I know I was made for *this* . . . whatever *this* is . . . because I don’t know yet what any of it means.  I am only starting to sense that the something I’ve been preparing for . . . for many, many lifetimes . . . is now beginning to come into physicality.  I feel it swelling in me while I shift and transform into something new.

I am surprised by what’s happening . . . while simultaneously remembering that I had been planning this all along at some other, long-forgotten level in my being.

I feel something wonderful . . . loving . . . powerful . . . rising in me.

Something new to this life . . . but ancient to time.

And I do not feel that I am alone in this.

Something at a deep level in humanity is happening right now.

Something has begun.

Something that we have been waiting for.

No one will be left unaffected.

In the end, we will all be transformed.

Even though it may still be too subtle for you to feel . . . even though it may still be too quiet for you to hear . . . even though it may still be too translucent for you to see . . . that *something* you have been waiting for . . . has begun.

Why Bear

I Am Tired Of The Fight In Me

While driving home from my daily Starbucks run to get my grande chai tea latte, I had a soul-weary breaking moment.

Everything I’ve been facing these last weeks had finally gone past my limit.  Not my daily limit . . . not my monthly limit . . . not my annual limit . . . but my absolute limit.

The anxiety I feel every time I put something out there.  The endless questions and doubts it raises in my head.

The fear and the ‘what ifs’ from all of this had finally reached a breaking point.

Something in me gave up.  And then something else opened and said to me, “I’m tired of the fight.”

I felt the thing giving up in me, continue to lose ground.

The something new that was opening up was encouraged by this and said, “I’m tired of hiding.”

I felt the giving up thing crack all around me . . . I felt huge chunks of it fall away.

I took a big satisfying breath.

I felt my feelings surface as my body relaxed and let go.

Something new then said, “Others are going to think whatever it is they are inclined to think when they read or hear your words.”

More letting go . . . more surrendering . . . tears of relief filling my eyes.

” . . . If you’re going to be judged and misunderstood regardless . . . then why not let yourself just be who you are inside? ”

“. . . at least that way, you’ll know with complete confidence that you have nothing to be sorry for . . . ”

“. . . and whoever it is that you are . . . whether it be evil . . . whether it be good . . . what does it matter?  How can you expect yourself to be anything other than who you are?”

I expend so much energy trying to hide so many parts of myself from others.  All of the things that have tried to come out, and then were yelled at or told they were bad by others.  All of the things misunderstood . . . tighten themselves small and they huddle inside my core seeking protection.

Afraid to be seen . . . afraid to be judged . . . afraid to come out and find out that they are evil . . . hated . . . unloved.

I’m tired of the fight . . . the fight to keep those things hidden when I’m around others.

I’m tired of hiding these parts of me.

For me, they are my emotions.  They show my sensitivity.  They show how much I care.  They show how much others affect me.  And I am ashamed of them.

I’m ashamed of how easily I cry.  I’m ashamed of how much and how often simple things move me.

I don’t like how others respond to me when they see my tears . . . I want to say, “My tears don’t mean I’m weak.  My sensitivity doesn’t mean I’m fragile or that I need to be handled with kid gloves.”

If I’m crying . . . then I’m okay . . . I am in my power.  My strength and my power comes from my deep emotions.  My tears are my strength.

When I hide my tears . . . when I use all of the muscles in my body to stop them from showing . . . when I use even more muscles to keep from looking like I’m trying to not cry . . . then I’m not okay.  Then I am being weak.  Then I am closed.  Then I am not in my power.  I am hiding.  I am fighting myself to not be seen.

I keep waiting for a day when it’s okay to be me.  Waiting for others to be more accepting and understanding of each other.  While I wait for this fictitious day to arrive, I corral my sensitivity and feelings into the dark shadows and lock them behind a gate when I’m around others so they don’t accidentally pop out unexpectedly.  I seem to think this will up my chances of being accepted by others.

I’m sure others do the same.  All of us walking around with the parts of us that we hide in the shadows whispering, “Please accept me . . . please accept me . . . ”

My breaking point is being breached . . . and I can’t do it anymore.  I can’t hide any of myself in the shadows anymore.  I just can’t.

I’d rather die.

When I hide aspects of me, it already is a sort of death.  A slow suffocation.

But I also feel like I will die if someone sees me in my raw emotions.  It would almost be easier for me to go into the middle of downtown and strip down naked.

When I write that I am crying . . . I am literally crying.  There are actual tears happening.  But to most who know me in real life, my crying is like some myth.  Sure, you read stories about it . . . but you don’t actually ever see it for real.

For me to be healthy, I must feel whatever I’m feeling in the moment I’m feeling it.  I hate meetings or anything that forces me to be around a bunch of people, because then I feel forced to restrain my emotions until I can get away to a quiet place alone and feel all of the emotions I repressed.  If I’m able to.  Usually once I’ve halted my feelings, it’s hard to call it back to express it.  Which is why it is so important for me to feel it in the moment, so that it may leave me immediately.

If I were to learn how to be comfortable expressing my emotions no matter who I was with or how many people were around me . . . I would always wish to be in other’s company.  I would no longer need to hide away.

I am so reserved around others because I’m using all of my resources to keep my emotions from showing.  It’s exhausting for me to hold things in for too long.  However, too many times when I’ve let my feelings show . . . I’ve felt humiliated by the person or outright rejected.

I don’t think others doubt how strong I am.  But I feel many would be surprised by how much I feel . . . how much I care . . . how much I love . . . how much the world I see around me moves me.

When I go for walks alone . . . I may just see a butterfly in the middle of a field of grass . . . or two of them . . . and see them start dancing with each other . . . and I feel something so profound move through me, that tears will just start pouring down my face . . . and then it’s gone, but I’m left with such gratitude, satisfaction, and happiness for life.

All my Aries in the 1st house, my emotions are raw . . . I feel and emote with no filters.  They burst out of me in all of their rawness taking myself and others by surprise.  Not so much my anger . . . it’s my tears and my laughter.  I don’t know when it’s going to happen . . . I don’t know in advance what is going to move me . . . so I hold myself tight and rigid at all times I’m in public so that one doesn’t escape me and embarrass me.

The older I get, the harder it becomes to stop holding myself tight even when I’m alone.  I can’t be one way  at home and another way in the world.  I need to always be how I am at all times.  I’m always changing from moment to moment . . . while I stay constant in being myself.

It’s not something I will ever overcome . . . I either am expressing and living it . . . or I am suppressing and repressing it.  There is no overcoming it.  There is no transcending it.  Why would I want to?  It’s pure expression from my soul.

Why am I so ashamed of it?  I don’t know.  I don’t think it matters anymore.  I just need to start being it again.  No more analyzing it.  No more rationalizing it.  No more avoiding it.  Just start living it.

God I’m so scared of this.

Calling on my inner mommy tiger to help me.

Calling on my inner mommy tiger to help me.

Before I Get To Goofy Dork, I Need To Make A Quick Stop At The Local Abyss

This is more or less a continuation of yesterday’s post, Wanting To Be A Graceful Swan, Destined To Be A Goofy Dork, where I’m looking to my natal chart to help me re-gather the pieces of myself and remember who I am again.

I’m currently bobbing in and out of a Neptunian blanket of fog, going from clarity and renewal to  . . . wait . . . what was I doing?  Where am I?

The part of my chart that poked it’s head out today . . . once I saw it, it’s almost embarrassing for me that it wasn’t the first thing I was researching.  And yet, when I think back to when I first began this exercise . . . it’s almost like this part of my chart didn’t exist.  Even in my memory, that area is *blanked out* as if it didn’t exist.  Which is actually very indicative of what’s going on there.

Before I continue, here’s my full chart again (but with an additional planet that is central to my post today):

Jenn's Natal Chart

Jenn’s Natal Chart

I don’t know if you noticed, but there is a party happening in my first house.  In the days when I was first learning astrology and mingling with the natives, people’s response to my first house was “Wow!” or “OMG, Look at that 1st house!”  And then that would be it.  Like it was self-explanatory.  I would keep staring at them with wide-eyed wonder and hopeful eyebrows raised, trying to say with my face  ” . . . AND?”  When that failed, I would just come out and say exasperated, “What does that mean?!”

It was usually just a quick, generic sentence like “Oh, you’re . . . fast.”  “You’re a go-getter.”  . . . O.o  What?  That didn’t match their initial response at all.  I would never, ever say “OMG!” to something so lame.  It made me want to hit my head against the wall (Aries-much?) and well . . . it touched on something so deep and owie in me.  Something that I had no hope at the time in articulating. I was only starting to become aware that this *thing* existed.  This *something* that made up a huge part of my existence that I couldn’t see . . . I couldn’t hear . . . I had absolutely no way to label it or describe it.

All I really knew was that their reaction to my first house caused a split second of elevated awareness in me and a feeling of familiarity and something that I had known and forgotten.  And something that I was missing.  Something that I had lost and forgot that I lost.  Something that I ached for with every molecule of my entire being.  In that moment, it wouldn’t have been beneath me to burst into sobbing tears and begging somebody, anybody to help me.  To please help me, something . . . some . . . I don’t know what it is but I needed someone’s help.

I would have too . . . except that my instinct (Aries, 1st house, Mars) to protect myself would get triggered, and of the fight, flight, or freeze . . . my defense of choice was to freeze.  I would lock up in myself.  I was absolutely unable to communicate outside of myself.  I went into “ghost” mode . . . where I would become absolutely invisible.  I never tested it, but I felt very sure that I could have done anything I wanted to and not only would nobody notice, they wouldn’t even remember that I had been there in the first place.  This went far beyond just feeling invisible.  I may have not understood what was going on with me, but if there was one thing I understood. . . it was instinctual awareness . . . and I was.not. registering in anyone’s awareness whenever I went into freeze/ghost mode.

A quick side note . . . I’m having an incredibly hard time staying connected to my feelings while I write this . . . so my post may start having a *colder* feeling to it than normal.  I’m having to exert a lot of will power to stay conscious and aware while I write.  I’m nearly operating on survival instinct alone.  It has everything to do with the topic.  It has everything to do with my 1st house.  It’s the affect the 1st house has on me that you’re witnessing for yourself first hand.  In fact, it’s my hope that bringing all of this to light will help me reconnect to my 1st house.  The house of Self.  The house I lose and *blank out* the most in my entire chart.  My house of Ghost.

The attendee list for my 1st house includes Eris rising, Venus, Mars, South Node in Aries and Chiron, Sedna, and Mercury in Taurus.  Of that entourage, Venus, Mars, South Node, Chiron, & Sedna are conjunct.  That is cray cray.

What I know now but couldn’t articulate (Mercury) then, was that I wasn’t even understanding the concept of the 1st house.  I had no comprehension of what it meant.  I would read about Aries and it would say things like pioneer, leader, warrior.  But . . . what does that mean?!?  I have a 1st house full of warrior?  What.does.that.mean?  What does that look like in my everyday life?  When am I being Aries in my life?  What is something an Aries might say?  How is it different from something every other sign might say or do?  I couldn’t see it!  It was literally a blank spot in my awareness.

Which . . . is kind of something that doesn’t often get brought up about Aries and 1st house . . . it’s often something that is such a part of us that you can’t see it.  Like when you forget that you put your glasses on top of your head.  You tear the place apart looking for your glasses.  Where are my bleeping glasses?  When someone mercifully points out that they’re on your head, you at once feel both relief and also like a complete idiot.  That’s how I experience Aries.  I also experience it like it’s some big secret that everyone else gets except me.  Someone commenting on my previous post who has Mercury in Aries made a reference to this.  I cannot stress how much Aries does NOT feel to the native, the way that everyone describes and talks about Aries.

In the astrology community, there is a lot of smack talk given about Aries.  The impression I got from people when I was in student mode . . . and how I now understand it for myself . . . are two completely different things.  And it actually kind of pisses me off how people bad mouth and represent that sign like they do.  If you knew what it was like to live in Aries skin, you would shut your mouth and speak more kindly.  Just because Aries talks about themselves, does not mean they are selfish . . . and just because Libra speaks about others, doesn’t mean they are selfless.

Yes, I have other things at work in my 1st house that influences my feeling on this.  But before I lose my train of thought, how I used to always experience Aries is that I couldn’t see me.  It’s like looking in the mirror and seeing no reflection.  I talk about myself in an effort to see me.  All I know is others.  I know all about other people and why they do what they do, what makes people tick and the many different ways they relate to each other in the many different scenarios of life . . . but I have no context or reference of how I fit into ANY of it because I can’t see me (me being the forgotten glasses on top of my head).  I’ve been accused of being insensitive, by the very people who sit there and laugh with each other over how unaware Aries are about other people.  Do you know how hurtful that is?  My entire life has been focused on understanding others . . . and I’m being made fun of by others right in front of my face like my Aries makes me deaf or something.

Aries isn’t retarded.  Aries isn’t even being oblivious to others.  Aries needs help and the reflection from others in order to see themselves, in order to give them context and understand their place in existence.  They are so up close and personal with Self, they can’t see it.  Aries is the new spark of life . . . it’s the time in life when we’re a baby.  Why would you sit there and laugh and make fun of a baby needing your help to understand its place in the world?

Now seems like a good time to bring up what is affecting my understanding of 1st house & Aries. (Also, I’d like to point out my own diversion tactic . . . I’m heading into owie territory so I’ve been skating around it.  4 paragraphs of skating around it.  This is one of my forms of avoidance.  I call myself out on things like this to keep myself on the straight and narrow.  I don’t want my own bullshit to be what stops me from getting through.)

Right now, I’m trying to relax my tensed body, and breathe more oxygen into my body in an effort to move out of fight, flight, or freeze mode.

* * *

 Okay . . . so I’ll start with my Chiron:

Chiron in Taurus in 1st House.

Chiron in Taurus in 1st House.

Chiron is our deepest wound.  The short of it being in my 1st house, is that it will most likely lead to a journey of self-discovery.  What Astrology Study had to say about Chiron in general:

Chiron in the natal chart represents our “deepest wound”. It shows an area of our lives and part of our psyches in which we lack self-esteem or even self-respect and tend to overcompensate as a result. We tend to give and give and give in these areas of life, until we learn to build our confidence. Chiron represents insecurity, guilt, and, to some degree, subservience. We feel a seemingly endless need to prove ourselves in these areas of life, until we learn that proving ourselves simply never works! In fact, it ends up making us feel even more ineffective.

Specifically about Chiron in the 1st house:

Possibly, there were restrictions in early childhood that will have had the effect on you of either retreating into yourself or having to fight to be noticed. There will be a need to find personal meaning in existence. Some will do this by being overly aggressive, others by withdrawing.

I obviously tend towards the withdrawing part.  I chose this site because it also mentioned Chiron-Venus & Chiron-Mars contacts . . . which since I have those two conjunct Chiron, this gives me additional understanding.  For Chiron-Venus:

With Chiron-Venus aspects, there is a tendency to give, and give, and give again in close personal and love relationships, and a tremendous fear of rejection from a lover. No matter how much these people do for a partner, they never feel it is enough. Early experiences of rejection or other problem relationships helps these people to learn a tremendous amount about love and relationships, and they can easily be turned to for very insightful advice about human interactions. Applying this wisdom on a personal level is the challenge, as Chiron-Venus people need to first heal their own deep fears of not being “good enough”. They need to learn to love themselves and to make sure their partners are meeting them halfway. They might also be attracted to partners who need help, but with the hard aspects, it might be hard to get back the same kind of attention or appreciation.

Ouch.  That’s hitting a little close to home . . . ok . . . now Chiron-Mars:

Asking for what we want, or self-assertiveness, is the main challenge for people with Chiron-Mars aspects. They might find themselves apologizing after an “outburst” of anger, self-assertion, or statement of desire–somehow feeling ashamed. The Mars expression can be unusual and come across as outbursts because of the lack of confidence in the validity of their desires or whether their personal desires deserve to be met. There can also be some physical clumsiness or awkwardness. The main challenge for Chiron-Mars people is to learn to accept their own desires and feelings of anger as valid so that when they do express them, they express them naturally and with confidence.

My owies are definitely being stirred up by reading this.  I’m finding it very hard to communicate at all . . . but yes . . . I’m constantly apologizing for any kind of outburst at all.  My mars & venus are so repressed in me right now after getting triggered from my breakup in November.  Hence the forgetting of myself again . . . and my attempt right now of trying to reclaim them.

And I feel my Chiron strongly in me.  I know it’s referred to as our deepest wound . . . but there is actually something I feel even deeper than my Chiron . . . I’m starting to tear up just at mentioning it . . . and that is Sedna.  It feels like where the feeling of Chiron stops in my body . . . Sedna (tied to Chiron) is thrown down even further below into oblivion like a lost anchor.  The feeling of Sedna in me . . . makes me WISH I was only feeling Chiron.  I look forward to being up high enough to only feel Chiron.

Sedna in Taurus in 1st house

Sedna in Taurus in 1st house

Sedna is relatively new to the astrology scene . . . but thank goodness she showed up . . . because otherwise I don’t think I would have ever gotten at that incredible ache I started to become aware of all those years ago.  The best description I’ve come across that fits how I feel Sedna, is that she is connected to the part of ourselves that we sacrificed in order to survive.  Sedna’s story is, as Darkstar Astrology puts it, “quite horrifying”.

And so I come to the crux on which my whole life seems to rest . . . she is connected and anchored to my Chiron . . . my Mars . . . and my Venus.  These are the things I sacrificed and sent to the bottom of the ocean in order to survive my childhood.  I know it’s probably hard to imagine what that means or feels like to have your Venus and Mars completely ripped from your awareness.  I’m fighting with my feelings right now, so I’ll share some things from a couple of sites while I work through it.

At Darkstar Astrology (there is good version of the story of Sedna at the link):

“The encounter with what has been lost, drowned out, or frozen long ago… In other words, our own ‘Ice Age’: the wounds in the soul caused by the impatience, condemnation, dismissal or anger of the father; the living hell of unresolved outrage; the violence of hardship where we cut off from what is desperate and vulnerable in ourselves or others in order to survive. “ [Melanie Reinhart, in her article “The Goddess of the Frozen Waters.”]

“Sedna swims into your life to tell you to stop being a victim. The way to wholeness is to recognize how you’ve been caught up in and are living the victim archetype, then to change the pattern by empowering yourself.

“The goddess Sedna teaches us that we must delve into the dark, cold places that we fear most if we are to find the riches that rest there. Sedna reminds us that, in spite of all our infirmities and our foolish mistakes, we are still worthy of love and respect and have every right to expect, and even demand, that others treat us well” [Goddess Gift]

And from Lynn Koiner

“And, on another level, I wonder if Sedna is connected with sacrificing a part of ourselves so that we can survive (throwing our Sedna into the ocean), and how we are especially responsible to “comb her hair”, since we (the father) put her deep in the ocean.”

For me, these words unlocked the key to the transformational process of Sedna.  I will add that the part of yourself that you sacrifice, split off and repress will linger deep in our subconscious, acting as a driving force, little known to our consciousness, but demanding our attention.  Just as the Inuit must go to the ocean’s depths and “comb Sedna’s hair,” we must make that Transformational Journey and tend to these  subconscious emotions, desires and memories.  If we do not, these issues will drive our lives in ways that are destructive and frustrating.

Yes . . . now I’m starting to remember.  It also explains my recent dream regarding a reference to the “goddess of the abyss”.  I’ve done this process before.

I find my way back out by remembering how it feels to be loved by getting into a state of deep meditation . . . and remembering how it feels to be loved, by feeling love for myself like another person might feel for their lover.  I allow it to feel true in my body using imagination and will.  I keep calling the feeling of being loved back to me and keep it in my awareness for as long as possible.  I convince myself that I believe it, I believe it fully.  I let it become my whole reality.  Even with eyes closed, everything begins to get brighter like someone was turning a bunch of lights on in the room around me.  When it reaches a point where it’s surrounding my whole being, and I don’t have to exert as much energy to stay in that space . . . I then delicately remove my strands of consciousness that I used to bring me closer to it. . . and then I surrender myself to it . . . and it brings me back from the bottom of the abyss and back to my existence of light and laughter.

All of my pain, struggle, and hardship gives way to peace and love.  The days of pain and suffering fade into the distance and bother me no more.

It involves seeing the most heart-breaking thing you can imagine . . . and seeing how you did it, even if it was for a good reason such as survival . . . the parts you threw in need you to see that it was you that did it, before they are willing to trust you again and return with you to the surface.  Not to hurt or punish you . . . but because that *is* the reconnecting process.  That moment when you stop trying to run from yourself and you completely drop your guard and just accept the truth without blame or judgment . . . just the raw honest to god truth of the situation . . . it makes the reconnecting process possible.  It is complete humility and surrender to something much bigger than you.  It’s when you get out of your own way, and open the space within you to allow divinity through so that you can be healed and brought back to the place where you really belong.

The Story of Life

I had it deeply ingrained in me from a young age to always be honest.  I took this very, very seriously.  Too seriously.  Like to my detriment.

There was a movie I watched a few years ago called, “The Invention of Lying”.  It was about a world that looked very much like ours, except that people were incapable of lying.  It was some inconceivable, abstract thought that had never been thought up.

I was excited about seeing the movie because I had always wished for a world with absolute honesty.  I was even feeling pretty smug about getting to see how right I was about how much better the world was before lying was invented.

But it was horrible.  I was so focused on thinking that lying was the reason everything was such a mess, that I completely missed what “lying” adds to our lives.

In that world, there were only documentaries on factual things.  There was no imagination . . . no creativity.  There was no such thing as storytelling.

And intrinsically, within me, lives a storyteller.  I love embellishing and feeling into things.  I like to imagine how things might be or feel in different situations.  I like to try things out and see how they feel, and then take them off and try on something else.

This is how children learn.  They mimic.  They may pretend they are a serious woman standing in line, and do all of the body movements and facial expressions exactly like her, just to feel what it’s like to be that woman for a moment in time.  They may find that they like it, they may find that they did not like it.  But that’s how we learn about ourselves and our environment.

I have continually had an inner struggle between being me . . . and being “honest”.  But honesty is such a slippery, abstract concept.  It leads into philosophical debates that could go on forever, that involve reality, wormholes, and bunny slippers.

But today, when walking downtown, I looked around at all of the people walking by.  I watched the cars and buses stopping and going.  I kept thinking, “The Story of Life.”  All of those people have a story they tell about themselves.  That they tell about others.  We all play pretend about who we are.  We even say, “That will be a great story to tell your grandchildren when you’re older!”

Everything *here* is a story we are all telling.  We NEED stories.  We love a good story.  Stories hold value whether they are true or not.  They let us try on different feelings and ways of being to see how it suits us.  It’s a way of learning.  It’s a way of being.

If I had to name a single sign in the zodiac that represented the “storyteller”, it would be Gemini.  Well, actually the whole Gemini/Sagittarius axis.  The individual stories of pretend, and the world’s (or universe’s) stories of pretend . . . sorry I mean truth.  : )

In my natal chart, I have a sun sign of Gemini.  Conjunct (same place, or together with) my sun is Jupiter.  Jupiter expands whatever it touches.  So, I’m not just a simple, small Gemini storyteller. . . I’m a HUGE liar storyteller.  Directly in opposition (180 degrees away – the opposite side of my chart) is my moon conjunct Neptune in Sagittarius.  The moon is our emotions, our past, how we are comforted and nurtured.  Neptune is our connection to Spirit/Divinity, other worlds, imagination, the dreamtime.  Those are 4 heavy hitters all in strong/tight contact with each other in my chart . . . and not a one of them is about being realistic or grounded in the “real world” as we’ve known it.

So this unhealthy obsession I have with honesty goes against my very nature, and while I insist on it to this level, I am unable to accept who I am inside.  I NEED to be able to tell things in wild story form.  There is truth within those stories.  I NEED to be emotionally dramatic.  I need to be able to change my story from day to day, because things are always changing.  Thinking that things are stable and consistent forever and ever IS the illusion.  That’s the story we tell ourselves everyday that we currently believe, even though it’s not (and never has been) true.

I’m able to switch and change between stories so easily, because I’m not attached to them.  I don’t need for them to be true.  I know that they are stories and that really, none of this is true.  It’s all pretend.  We’ve all agreed that it’s real, but that doesn’t mean it’s true.  (See. Trying to define honesty becomes a slippery slope, my friends.)  We’re all just really good at pretending things that aren’t true.

However, just because I’m not attached to my stories, I think it’s important to point out that it doesn’t mean I don’t care deeply.  Because I do.  I care deeply about the soul and person inside.  Because I’m not attached to the stories, I can see past them and to the person at the core.  That is where my focus is when I see and feel people.

It’s not just that though.  I hide the “Me” that I am inside, too.  I have almost never, ever let her be seen by another person.  I felt that part of me trying to surface yesterday morning, but I felt my muscles around my mid-section constrict to prevent it from happening.  Keeping me from fully relaxing and being at peace within myself.

When I felt into that tightness within me, I realized that it’s me trying to prevent the real Me from surfacing and being seen by anyone else.  I can’t even let myself out when I’m alone.  So I tried to gently feel into it, trying not to scare it away.  I asked why it was so scared to come out, and I asked what it meant to be Me.  And this is what I found out . . .

“I am afraid to be Me.  I feel really big inside.  I care.  I try to pretend like I don’t care, but I do.  I care about other people so much, that it makes me angry.  And ashamed.  I am completely ashamed of how sensitive I am, and how much I care about people and the world around me.  I feel thoroughly embarrassed about it.  I don’t want anyone to ever, EVER see how much I care.  It makes me feel weak.”

People affect me profoundly and deeply.  When I’m not at my keyboard . . . when I’m alone with myself . . . is when I try to process and move through all of the things that affected me so greatly during the day.  When there is a misunderstanding or a fight with someone or  a friend (yes, even with you, Janaki) . . . I cry for days trying to get through it.  It is utterly humiliating to me how much each person affects me.  I hate it.

I put up a strong defense, because I don’t know how else to protect myself.  Because I don’t know how to handle being like that in front of another person.  I see how people react and respond to people who are emotional and sensitive, and there’s no way I want to expose myself to that.  I have not found a model yet, of someone who has found a way to stand strong in their sensitivity and own it.  All I see, are sensitive, caring people closing themselves off from their feelings . . . and telling themselves they have a “thicker skin”.

I don’t know how, but I’m going to figure out a way.  I’m going to figure out how to fully be that sensitive, caring person . . . but to let it empower me . . . strengthen me . . . instead of feeling weak and diminished by it.  And just thinking about how much strength that is going to take, I can better see how being that way in a world gone mad . . . is a far cry from being a weakness.  To have the courage and strength to still feel strongly, to still care deeply about others, and to be able to show that you still care . . . is very brave.

I am very afraid to do this.  Terrified, even.  But it’s reached a point where it takes more effort to try and squelch or hide it, than it takes to just be it.

And that’s my story.  That I take way too seriously.  : D

Super Serious Stuff

Gir contemplating his life story

Let Me Drive!

I was out eating recently, when the most peculiar thing happened to me.  Initially, I had zero idea what had happened, only that immediately afterwards I heard myself saying to Jay,

I think I just fully came into my body.

Which was promptly followed by me giving myself a funny looking wtf? face.  {O.o}

And Jay was just looking at me nonchalantly with both eyebrows up ^ ^ saying,

Oh yeah?

And I was all,

I don’t know. {shoulder shrug}

And then went back to eating.

I went into deep contemplation about what exactly had just happened, because it was the 2nd time it had happened in a week. . . (both times involving food).

I had just been sitting there, looking at my food.  When suddenly the food seemed to . . . come into focus?  It seemed Super Real (vs. you know. . . semi-real)  The colors were so. . . vibrant and clear.  Like my eyeballs had just been upgraded to Real 3D.  I saw the butter on the Naan I had been holding in my hand, and I was so fascinated by it.  I looked down at my Butter Chicken, and it seemed like I was looking at food for the first time in my life.  It was a great big W  O  W-fest in my head and body.  I was thoroughly amazed by my food.

Not only that, but it felt like I had gone from the back seat of the car, to the front of the car and was driving.  Meaning, I felt a distinct shift from being an observer in the background of myself. . . to suddenly coming to the forefront.  I felt like I <— the Soul ME, was HERE and in body and getting to use the eyes of this body and the limbs of this body and the feelings of this body, for the first time. . . like ever!  Or at least since childhood.  Before the teenage me, booted Me out. (hehe)

It’s like I’m me. . . but the conscious part of me. . . what I think of as my Soul. . . has had to sit in the backseat of the body as an observer, until the me. . . uh. . . the physical? emotional body? me, moved out of the way to allow the Soul Me to come forward.  That’s probably as clear as mud, but oh my god is it an awesome experience.

At least the Soul Me was absolutely fascinated by it.   There was a whole bunch of “NO WAY!”, and “OMG!” going on.  Meanwhile, the smaller me was in the backseat going, “What?  What are you going on about?  What is so fascinating?”.

The food in my hand and on my plate was the most real I had ever experienced life.  I had also taken a moment to look outside, because the sun was reflecting off of the building across the street and was shining on the Naan in my hand and highlighting the butter. . . and that was just about blowing my mind.  I could NOT understand how I had gone all of my life not experiencing this awe and wonder every.single.second of my life.

How were people not jumping up and down about getting to experience all of this?!?!  How was everyone able to stay so calm?  I mean. . . oh my god!??! this is SO INCREDIBLE!!!  Being a Soul in a body is just about the coolest damned thing a soul can experience, and everyone is ACTING LIKE THEY’RE AT A FUNERAL!!!!

I have to admit, I’m pretty fond of Soul Me.  It was kind of contagious.  I had forgotten how excited I used to feel about getting to experience things in life.  And She was so damn genuinely excited and happy about just sitting there and looking at butter on Indian Bread.  I thought She was going to explode into dramatic song right there in the middle of the restaurant.  But I gave Her a “please god not right now” desperate big-eyed O.O stare.  She was merciful.  Plus, Her mouth was stuffed full with rice, bread, sauce and chicken.

But I know She’s not going to put up with being in the back seat for much longer.  Just this morning, as I waited for the Crosswalk to change on my daily Chai Tea Latte run, She popped into the driver’s seat and began moving to the music I was listening to.  I didn’t feel self conscious or foolish, I only felt great.  There was a feeling of, “I wanna move to this!” as my left leg started moving on its own.

It felt so good to allow that impulse, that on the return walk, I didn’t even try to hide it.

Enjoying the moment.

Sitting. The new walking.

The Darkness in Me Understands the Darkness in You

In the spiritual community people are fond of saying, “Namaste”, which roughly translates to “the Divine in me, sees and honors, the Divine in you”.  Which is cool really, when you think about it.  But something about it irks me every time someone uses it.

It feels like there is an emphasize on only acknowledging the Light in us.  Only focus on, acknowledge, and honor the parts of us that are already in the Light.  I don’t feel that was the original intention of the word, but it’s what it feels like when it’s used now.

I don’t know if it works for other people, but pretending like I don’t have Darkness in me, doesn’t make it go away.  Avoiding it and being scared of it. . . also doesn’t do anyone any good.

When a person is scared of something or a situation, the tendency is to become less present in the moment.  The very moment that we need ourselves the most, is when we check out conscious-wise.  When we do that, we are leaving parts of ourselves in the dark. . . alone and scared.

It’s *those* parts of us that most want to be seen and brought into the Light.

What’s the Namaste word equivalent for, “The Dark in me, sees and understands, the Dark in you”?

We’ve painted all Dark as being Evil.  That is a very limited way of viewing existence.  Darkness also has purpose and meaning in the cosmos.

And while we’re in that limited way of seeing things, we are unable to admit and accept the parts of us that ARE Dark . . . leaving us always feeling incomplete, misunderstood, unseen, alone, unloved, unaccepted. . .

It’s the repression of these things that are not accepted, that results in the horrors we see unfolding in the news.

Horrible things happen when there isn’t a safe space for people to get to openly talk about and to get to understand better, the parts of them that are unacceptable in society.  And a safe space cannot be provided, when everyone is terrified of their own shadow.

It is a direct cause and affect.  If we as individuals, and as a whole, insist on pretending that these things don’t exist in all of us. . . and are unable to openly address them in a grown up, loving, humble, nonjudgmental way. . . then the horrors you see on TV will continue.  The “villians” are merely scapegoats for the things we cannot accept in ourselves as individuals and as a group.

If you make sex something to be ashamed of, not just in words but in action. . . then those who feel sexual needs a lot, will not feel okay in trying to openly understand their sexuality better.  A part of them, no matter what they try to tell themselves, will feel ashamed of feeling sexual.

Because of the shame, embarrassment, unacceptance of this part of them. . . they may try to pretend they don’t feel it at all. (Some go in the opposite direction and drown themselves in it.) They may try to get control of it.  They may even completely forget that they ever felt it, in order to hide from it.  Years later, it may start coming back out as anger. . . usually against the very thing they are suppressing.  Why?  Because it’s a part of themselves that they have exiled, and have been unable to accept or love themselves.  And that usually stems from some form of it not being accepted by others around them or in society at large.

This is why forcing or controlling things, ultimately does not work.  What you are trying to prevent, initially *seems* to disappear. . . but it’s actually only gone deep underneath.  Later it may erupt as a mass killing, or as a bombing.  And then we get to use the culprits as scapegoats.  They get to represent and be punished for our refusal to acknowledge the Darkness in Ourselves.

Most people never reach that degree, but instead lead mediocre. . . scared. . . never quite satisfying lives. . . true happiness is always just out of reach.

Isn’t it peculiar that ever since the whole “only think positive” movement has started. . . that things have gone to hell in a hand basket?

It *has* helped people get out of the negative thinking routine.  It has served a purpose. . . like a stair step on the way up.

You know you are being completely honest with yourself in a situation, when you have a realization about yourself that completely humbles you.  When you see how it has been you all along that has been getting in your own way.  There may be good reasons for why you do what you do. . . it may BE because someone else hurt you or did something bad to you. . . but in order to heal, that becomes irrelevant.  It does.not.matter.  Because it is up to you to move through it.

The person who hurt you. . . had not moved through their own hurt that someone else inflicted on them. . . and that’s how you came to be hurt. . . and while in that hurt, you unintentionally hurt others. . . and that’s how the cycle continues. (And from that perspective, makes it not so personal anymore.)

If you wish for it to stop, then it needs to start with you.

The Darkness in me, Sees and Understands, the Darkness in you.

We Are Each A Blazing Light of Glory

I had the most unusual dream last night.  At first I wasn’t sure what the dream was referencing, but the more I wrote and talked it out. . . the more I realized it was a memory from shortly before I was born here.  I feel the weird, almost disorienting, feeling of having regained a long lost memory.

I was wandering around a place.  This place had lots of food.  There was a whole section just for meat . . . in clear packaging.  As I wandered through that particular open room, I was thinking of how there was plenty of food for everyone.  This food thing was a little strange, but it was nice to know that there was plenty of everything for everyone.  It was interesting to me though, because the whole idea of needing to have something outside of me in order to sustain myself was a little foreign to me.  Even trying to pretend like I needed food was an exercise in imagination.

I wondered what it was going to feel like, when we all were going to feel like there maybe isn’t enough for everyone.  I saw flashes of images of Earth, in Africa, where people were lacking this substance.  What did that feel like?  It’s hard to imagine in a place where there’s more than enough, and when it’s not *really* necessary.  If I just connected directly into *source*, I was completely nourished.

But that’s not what the point of this place was.  Although I still wasn’t incarnated yet, I was already away from home and everything I knew.  I seemed to be the only one of my kind in this place at this time.  I had a group that I had been hanging out with and had been bonding with since we had arrived there, but it feels like it does when you go to summer camp and bond with people. . . you’re still out there on your own and making the best of the situation.

Everyone else there felt like strangers to me.  I didn’t know anyone there really.  I kind of got the feeling that there were a lot of us there like that.  Like each species or world or group had sent representatives. . . and here we were.  This place we were at, was like a substation.  We were acclimating to the frequency and vibrations that were much different and denser than what we were used to.  All of the “food” there was to help us to adjust to the idea of needing to eat, as well as helping us become denser.

I felt rumors or whispers filtering through the halls.  It wasn’t that people were actually talking, it was in the air, and I was able to pick it up.  What I heard snapped me out of my thoughts about the food situation.

“What do you mean we forget?”

I started feeling a pull towards a location.  It felt like a magnet was pulling on me.  Everyone that had been at this substation with me, was also feeling the pull and moving towards a single location.  I found my group I had been bonding with.  They were walking ahead of me, and they seemed taller than me.  I was communicating to them as we followed the pull, saying “Did you hear that we forget?  We’re going to forget?”  I felt mostly curious about it, but something else was creeping into me.

I heard my group kind of murmur and pass the information between them, but nothing more was really said because we were suddenly boarding this train-like vehicle.  I had wanted to sit with my group, but the pull was so strong on everybody, that the seats all around my group were already filled up.  I went further down the train, and almost had a seat. . . but it filled before I actually could get in it.  I was sure I was meant to have a seat, so I just kept moving down until I found one that I got into.

I remember sitting in a seat that reminds me of those booster seats you use for toddlers so that they can reach the table.  Except it was kind of up in the air, so I just kind of leaned into it from a standing position.  I remember the strange thinnish “seatbelts” that you clicked in place over your lap.  I was now staring straight ahead.

I was sitting in-between two people I didn’t know.  I couldn’t stop pondering the implications of what I had just found out.

I’m going to forget.

When we get there, I’m not even going to know that I don’t know these two people next to me.  I’m not going to remember that I got sat far away from my own group.  I’m going to forget that I was even here.  It’s going to be like none of this happened at all.

This felt like new or surprising information to me.  I was wondering how I was supposed to do what I was coming to Earth to do, if I was going to forget who I was.  And why did I find out moments before it was time to come into the Earth realm?  I knew it was on purpose and that everything was setup exactly as it was meant to be. . . but what did this mean?  As I centered myself for my descent into this world, a sadness was starting to creep into me.

My curiosity and need to know and understand things, didn’t know what to expect with this sudden turn of events.  Forgetting, to me, feels like a fate worse than death.  I’m pretty sure it is, as far as the immortal soul is concerned.  I trusted that we all knew what we were doing. . . but I was also feeling a little scared at forgetting my existence prior to my birth.  But the adventurer in me, was open to the new experiences this would bring me.

So I let go, and gave in to the pull that was bringing in the latest group of brave souls coming into Earth as representatives of far larger groups of beings from all over the universe.  There was a call for help, and we had been called back into service.  This wasn’t a joy ride for us, this was a pull from our heart to serve those in great need on Earth at this time.

There was a limited amount of space open (bodies in which we were able to incarnate into) and the response to the call was so great, that each group was limited to the number of representatives that they could send.  However, each group’s unique energies and strengths are desperately needed, which means every single person matters a great deal and carries a large burden of responsibility.

Each of us matter.  And we are not alone.  We carry the hope, love, and wisdom from those all over the universe who came in response to Earth’s call for help.  And they have been watching over us all along, making sure that we’re okay. . . especially when we’re suffering.

If you are here at this time. . . you are brave beyond comprehension.  You love with a heart unmatched.  Just being here is itself an act of unconditional love.  You were thought of highly enough, that you were chosen out of trillions. . . to come be here at this time.  Here, you may feel like you’re just one of 7 billion lost souls. . . but from the perspective of the universe. . . you are the Elite.  The best of the best.  The most loving of the loved.  You are a brilliant, blazing, supernova of light.  A fiery golden light of glory.

But you just forgot.

There Are More Things in Heaven and Earth. . .

Sometimes I feel I am my own worst enemy.  I can work my inner world up into a lather over nothing.  Add in a little sleep deprivation and I’m ready for my own spotlight in a three-ring circus.

Instead of seeing a world of potential friends, I see a world of people that I need to defend myself against.  As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, people scare me.  And I want to understand more about that, because it greatly affects how I live my life and my day-to-day decisions.  It colors my whole world.  I’m actually pretty happy to even be aware of this feeling.  It’s one of my “blind” spots. . . I used to have no idea that this was my basic approach to life.

When I say people scare me, I don’t mean when I see a person I tremble and run and hide and quiver.  What I mean, is when I’m interacting with people, there is this basic instinct to put up a steel wall to protect myself. . . as if every person I  meet is actively trying to kill me.  I know.  A bit extreme.  But there it is.

So I want to try and talk through it right now to see if I can help understand it better, and I’d like to share with you as I do this.  Because I don’t want walls up between me and others anymore. . . it’s way too lonely.  (Learning from my son.)   : )

Inside of me is a super, duper, hyper-sensitive vulnerable person.  I feel everything around me.  I feel other’s feelings as if they were my own, and in fact, it took many years of observation and discipline to separate out what things in me were mine and what belonged to my environment and others.

If I walk into a room that at one point had something traumatic or intense happen (such as a very angry/aggressive fight) I will pick it up in my body.  I will feel the anger or rage expressed, and I will also simultaneously feel helpless and scared (whoever was being raged at) as if they were my own.  You can imagine the insanity a person would live with if they were unaware that they were picking up on something in their environment.

The same with people.  When I was 16, it seemed to sharpen considerably.  I first noticed something was “weird” about me when I hopped onto a transit bus.  There were about 3 other people sitting far away from each other.  I was feeling particularly sensitive this day.  I walked past the first person, and I was hit with what felt like a very thick, black blanket of depression and hopelessness.  I physically felt myself be pushed towards the ground as if gravity had suddenly increased strength.  I felt like I was shoved into a black pit of heavy emotions.  I had tears spring in my eyes and I kind of wanted to die just to make it go away.

I kept walking down the aisle of the bus, and came across another person on my left.  I was suddenly lifted from the dark, black, heavy hole into one of lightness and even a feeling of wanting to hum a tune and bob my head as I did so.

I kept walking and passed the third person.  I suddenly felt less like humming and felt my whole body tighten up.  I felt the warmth leave my body and I felt anxiety and fear.  I even felt some paranoia.  I wanted to run and hide.

So I just kept going all the way to the back of the bus and sat down.  And kind of freaking out because at the time, I had no idea what had just happened.  I was feeling a little bit crazy.  I didn’t figure it out that day, but as I sat on the back of the bus, I took in all of the information of the situation so that later I could continue to work out what had happened.  Now, it seems obvious… but at the time, the idea that a person even *could* feel other people as themselves, wasn’t even a part of my understanding of reality.

So, I can see how this set me up to instinctively put up a guard whenever I’m around other people.  I spent decades first understanding my sensitivity, and then learning discernment between all of the things I picked up and experienced, understanding who I was underneath all of these things I picked up (and had previously thought *was* me), and now. . . I’m trying to learn how to be me, even as I walk into a world that bombards my senses, and not become overwhelmed and lose myself again.

It can happen in a second.  When I’m talking to people, I’m picking up an insane amount of energetic information.  Trying to hold onto my own feelings and thoughts and who I know myself to be, while simultaneously picking up the things they are feeling and experiencing can feel downright impossible.  When I’m talking to a person, I actually have a lot going on inside of me that I’m trying to manage on top of trying to be present and listening to the person.

I’m continuously processing all of the energetic information as quickly and efficiently as possible so that it doesn’t overwhelm me.  So that I can, for the most part, look like a normal, sane person.  And I can quickly become scared if I start feeling overwhelmed and like I’m starting to lose the feeling of myself.  This is where I start getting defensive.  This is where I’ll start snapping at people.

Learning boundaries and how to speak up for myself (that I even have a right to speak up) has been my saving grace.  When I say, “Please give me a moment to process this.”, I’m not trying to be difficult or even contemplative, I’m trying to catch up in filtering through all the information flooding all of my senses and that I’m not *able* to continue conversation, etc.  If the person insists, I don’t hear a single thing they say because I’m in full processing mode.  You know like when your computer says all the resources are in use and it freezes… that’s what is happening to me.

And some of the fear when interacting with people, is that I don’t feel confident that I know how to handle the situation when these things happen to me.  I don’t feel like explaining to every Tom, Dick, and Harry about my sensitivities.  But I don’t know how to explain why I have to do things like I do things without looking like a stubborn ass.  But I’m so tired of trying to pretend that I’m not dealing with all of this all of the time, and I’m so tired of being misunderstood.

How do you explain to a world that only appreciates and believes in things that are picked up by the 5 senses, that you are constantly aware and sense a whole ‘nother world and not be laughed at or dismissed or minimized?  I can see, smell, hear, see, feel things that a good majority of the planet is in debate about  even existing.

By day, I’m a digital analyst.  I have a good head on my shoulders.  I’m very grounded in this world.  But.  There is far more to this reality than you can even imagine.  There is a whole *unseen* aspect that is completely dismissed in mainstream culture.  By doing so, we are dismissing a great deal of who we are too.  We are not just the things our 5 senses pick up.  We are far, far more than that.

So, I think my fear of people, is that when I’m around them, I feel like I have to hide (bury, kill?) half of who I am.  And I’m reaching a point where I can’t stand to do that anymore.  But there’s no vocabulary or dialogue to have those conversations and not make it awkward.  How do we bridge the gap between the two and make both a part of our everyday life?

Maybe that’s what I’m here to do.  Maybe that’s been the point all along of me being so grounded and of a scientific nature on one hand, but also being very aware of the energetic world and how it interfaces with “reality” and all the things believed impossible in our world.  It’s very much like seeing “the man behind the curtain”.

I don’t really know yet what my purpose is.  I’m just speculating and finding my way in the dark like everyone else.  And following the bread crumbs.  I know that it is very stressful for me to be around people for too long, and now I have a better understanding of why.  I know that I don’t want to feel lonely anymore and want to put my defenses down.  And I know that I can’t sacrifice or deny half of who I am.  Which means. . . I have to learn a new way of being.  I have to learn how to be all of me, even as I interact with people from all walks of life, in a way that is respectful and loving.

This is what I need in order to be able to live a life of just being who I am, so that I can put down my guard around others, without fear of losing myself . . . and start seeing a world of potential friends.

Thanks for sitting with me as I talked through this.  This learning how to put my guard down is pretty scary (terrifying) for me, and you being here helps me learn how to do that in a safe environment.  Here, have a { {H u g} }.

And here’s something just for giggles:

Let Out The Flowy

As I uncover more of who I am, I am continually surprised at what I discover. Most recently, it has been about my expression.

I have been known to go into monotone dialogue. I can hold myself very stiff and straight. Everything about how I hold myself and the way I feel it in my body, is about restraint and control. And today, I asked myself. . . why?

I only knew how to answer it by suspending the control and seeing what happened. It was a warm, sunny day. . . so it made it easier for me to do this. I had a new song on that I was really enjoying.

I slowly and evenly relinquished the constraints I tie around my body each and every day. . . and I felt movement come into them. I felt oxygen and life begin to flow through me. I felt a smile appear on my face. I felt a dance move through my arms. I felt “I must move them”.

It felt like such a relief to let it happen. It felt like taking a big breathe of fresh air after nearly drowning. I began to feel all of my senses come to life and open up like airways. I heard my voice wishing to join the song.

I felt everything so magnified, so alive. This was one of those rare moments that I wasn’t cursing my sensitivity to loud sounds, strong smells, and my intense emotions. The beauty in the feeling of giving what welled up in me natural expression, felt like what I had been waiting to do for decades. To stretch my limbs, to let it come out how it wanted to.

I had a moment of thinking, “what if someone sees me doing this, looking like an idiot” and I quickly over rode it…because that’s exactly why I don’t ever do it. It never feels like it is the appropriate time to let it out. Not at work, not while out in public, not while in line at the grocery store, not while shopping at the mall, not while eating at a restaurant.

And then I knew. . . I knew why I talked in monotone. I knew why I held myself so straight and still… because I *always* feel movement in me. I always feel a dance, a song, a silly expression, a funny voice wanting to flow out of me. So, it comes from a lifetime of holding in my natural way of being.

Later this evening, on a walk to my car, I had my trusty ipod playing in my ears to block out the overstimulation to my senses of the world around me. And I felt that flowy feeling wanting to come out. It was dark by this time, and I thought, “Let’s practice making a fool out of ourselves.”

So, I let it go where it wanted to go. My left arm flowed out, like it wanted to be a ballerina. And I felt my spirit inside approve by rising. My hand wanted to do some little hand swirls and help my arm swing back in. I felt myself give in to this beautiful feeling of being freed at last. A confidence came into my stride. One that is of happiness, and not caring how ridiculous I was looking to anyone who might be watching.

It felt so natural to me, that I wondered how I could have ever…. ever… stopped being me. Then I tried to imagine busting out some moves in the middle of a meeting, and how humiliating it felt for anyone to ever catch me in these private moments. And then I thought how tired and uncomfortable (and exhausting) it feels to keep these expressions held in tightly. I have to make a choice. Is it more important to me to be all that I’m meant to be, or is it more important to me that I always look in control (straight, serious, stiff, tight. . . miserable)?

So. . . here’s hoping I find my inner Rawr to be the flowy, expressive, silly woman that I’ve been hiding inside all of this adult seriousness.