This is more or less a continuation of yesterday’s post, Wanting To Be A Graceful Swan, Destined To Be A Goofy Dork, where I’m looking to my natal chart to help me re-gather the pieces of myself and remember who I am again.

I’m currently bobbing in and out of a Neptunian blanket of fog, going from clarity and renewal to  . . . wait . . . what was I doing?  Where am I?

The part of my chart that poked it’s head out today . . . once I saw it, it’s almost embarrassing for me that it wasn’t the first thing I was researching.  And yet, when I think back to when I first began this exercise . . . it’s almost like this part of my chart didn’t exist.  Even in my memory, that area is *blanked out* as if it didn’t exist.  Which is actually very indicative of what’s going on there.

Before I continue, here’s my full chart again (but with an additional planet that is central to my post today):

Jenn’s Natal Chart

I don’t know if you noticed, but there is a party happening in my first house.  In the days when I was first learning astrology and mingling with the natives, people’s response to my first house was “Wow!” or “OMG, Look at that 1st house!”  And then that would be it.  Like it was self-explanatory.  I would keep staring at them with wide-eyed wonder and hopeful eyebrows raised, trying to say with my face  ” . . . AND?”  When that failed, I would just come out and say exasperated, “What does that mean?!”

It was usually just a quick, generic sentence like “Oh, you’re . . . fast.”  “You’re a go-getter.”  . . . O.o  What?  That didn’t match their initial response at all.  I would never, ever say “OMG!” to something so lame.  It made me want to hit my head against the wall (Aries-much?) and well . . . it touched on something so deep and owie in me.  Something that I had no hope at the time in articulating. I was only starting to become aware that this *thing* existed.  This *something* that made up a huge part of my existence that I couldn’t see . . . I couldn’t hear . . . I had absolutely no way to label it or describe it.

All I really knew was that their reaction to my first house caused a split second of elevated awareness in me and a feeling of familiarity and something that I had known and forgotten.  And something that I was missing.  Something that I had lost and forgot that I lost.  Something that I ached for with every molecule of my entire being.  In that moment, it wouldn’t have been beneath me to burst into sobbing tears and begging somebody, anybody to help me.  To please help me, something . . . some . . . I don’t know what it is but I needed someone’s help.

I would have too . . . except that my instinct (Aries, 1st house, Mars) to protect myself would get triggered, and of the fight, flight, or freeze . . . my defense of choice was to freeze.  I would lock up in myself.  I was absolutely unable to communicate outside of myself.  I went into “ghost” mode . . . where I would become absolutely invisible.  I never tested it, but I felt very sure that I could have done anything I wanted to and not only would nobody notice, they wouldn’t even remember that I had been there in the first place.  This went far beyond just feeling invisible.  I may have not understood what was going on with me, but if there was one thing I understood. . . it was instinctual awareness . . . and I was.not. registering in anyone’s awareness whenever I went into freeze/ghost mode.

A quick side note . . . I’m having an incredibly hard time staying connected to my feelings while I write this . . . so my post may start having a *colder* feeling to it than normal.  I’m having to exert a lot of will power to stay conscious and aware while I write.  I’m nearly operating on survival instinct alone.  It has everything to do with the topic.  It has everything to do with my 1st house.  It’s the affect the 1st house has on me that you’re witnessing for yourself first hand.  In fact, it’s my hope that bringing all of this to light will help me reconnect to my 1st house.  The house of Self.  The house I lose and *blank out* the most in my entire chart.  My house of Ghost.

The attendee list for my 1st house includes Eris rising, Venus, Mars, South Node in Aries and Chiron, Sedna, and Mercury in Taurus.  Of that entourage, Venus, Mars, South Node, Chiron, & Sedna are conjunct.  That is cray cray.

What I know now but couldn’t articulate (Mercury) then, was that I wasn’t even understanding the concept of the 1st house.  I had no comprehension of what it meant.  I would read about Aries and it would say things like pioneer, leader, warrior.  But . . . what does that mean?!?  I have a 1st house full of warrior?  What.does.that.mean?  What does that look like in my everyday life?  When am I being Aries in my life?  What is something an Aries might say?  How is it different from something every other sign might say or do?  I couldn’t see it!  It was literally a blank spot in my awareness.

Which . . . is kind of something that doesn’t often get brought up about Aries and 1st house . . . it’s often something that is such a part of us that you can’t see it.  Like when you forget that you put your glasses on top of your head.  You tear the place apart looking for your glasses.  Where are my bleeping glasses?  When someone mercifully points out that they’re on your head, you at once feel both relief and also like a complete idiot.  That’s how I experience Aries.  I also experience it like it’s some big secret that everyone else gets except me.  Someone commenting on my previous post who has Mercury in Aries made a reference to this.  I cannot stress how much Aries does NOT feel to the native, the way that everyone describes and talks about Aries.

In the astrology community, there is a lot of smack talk given about Aries.  The impression I got from people when I was in student mode . . . and how I now understand it for myself . . . are two completely different things.  And it actually kind of pisses me off how people bad mouth and represent that sign like they do.  If you knew what it was like to live in Aries skin, you would shut your mouth and speak more kindly.  Just because Aries talks about themselves, does not mean they are selfish . . . and just because Libra speaks about others, doesn’t mean they are selfless.

Yes, I have other things at work in my 1st house that influences my feeling on this.  But before I lose my train of thought, how I used to always experience Aries is that I couldn’t see me.  It’s like looking in the mirror and seeing no reflection.  I talk about myself in an effort to see me.  All I know is others.  I know all about other people and why they do what they do, what makes people tick and the many different ways they relate to each other in the many different scenarios of life . . . but I have no context or reference of how I fit into ANY of it because I can’t see me (me being the forgotten glasses on top of my head).  I’ve been accused of being insensitive, by the very people who sit there and laugh with each other over how unaware Aries are about other people.  Do you know how hurtful that is?  My entire life has been focused on understanding others . . . and I’m being made fun of by others right in front of my face like my Aries makes me deaf or something.

Aries isn’t retarded.  Aries isn’t even being oblivious to others.  Aries needs help and the reflection from others in order to see themselves, in order to give them context and understand their place in existence.  They are so up close and personal with Self, they can’t see it.  Aries is the new spark of life . . . it’s the time in life when we’re a baby.  Why would you sit there and laugh and make fun of a baby needing your help to understand its place in the world?

Now seems like a good time to bring up what is affecting my understanding of 1st house & Aries. (Also, I’d like to point out my own diversion tactic . . . I’m heading into owie territory so I’ve been skating around it.  4 paragraphs of skating around it.  This is one of my forms of avoidance.  I call myself out on things like this to keep myself on the straight and narrow.  I don’t want my own bullshit to be what stops me from getting through.)

Right now, I’m trying to relax my tensed body, and breathe more oxygen into my body in an effort to move out of fight, flight, or freeze mode.

* * *

 Okay . . . so I’ll start with my Chiron:

Chiron in Taurus in 1st House.

Chiron is our deepest wound.  The short of it being in my 1st house, is that it will most likely lead to a journey of self-discovery.  What Astrology Study had to say about Chiron in general:

Chiron in the natal chart represents our “deepest wound”. It shows an area of our lives and part of our psyches in which we lack self-esteem or even self-respect and tend to overcompensate as a result. We tend to give and give and give in these areas of life, until we learn to build our confidence. Chiron represents insecurity, guilt, and, to some degree, subservience. We feel a seemingly endless need to prove ourselves in these areas of life, until we learn that proving ourselves simply never works! In fact, it ends up making us feel even more ineffective.

Specifically about Chiron in the 1st house:

Possibly, there were restrictions in early childhood that will have had the effect on you of either retreating into yourself or having to fight to be noticed. There will be a need to find personal meaning in existence. Some will do this by being overly aggressive, others by withdrawing.

I obviously tend towards the withdrawing part.  I chose this site because it also mentioned Chiron-Venus & Chiron-Mars contacts . . . which since I have those two conjunct Chiron, this gives me additional understanding.  For Chiron-Venus:

With Chiron-Venus aspects, there is a tendency to give, and give, and give again in close personal and love relationships, and a tremendous fear of rejection from a lover. No matter how much these people do for a partner, they never feel it is enough. Early experiences of rejection or other problem relationships helps these people to learn a tremendous amount about love and relationships, and they can easily be turned to for very insightful advice about human interactions. Applying this wisdom on a personal level is the challenge, as Chiron-Venus people need to first heal their own deep fears of not being “good enough”. They need to learn to love themselves and to make sure their partners are meeting them halfway. They might also be attracted to partners who need help, but with the hard aspects, it might be hard to get back the same kind of attention or appreciation.

Ouch.  That’s hitting a little close to home . . . ok . . . now Chiron-Mars:

Asking for what we want, or self-assertiveness, is the main challenge for people with Chiron-Mars aspects. They might find themselves apologizing after an “outburst” of anger, self-assertion, or statement of desire–somehow feeling ashamed. The Mars expression can be unusual and come across as outbursts because of the lack of confidence in the validity of their desires or whether their personal desires deserve to be met. There can also be some physical clumsiness or awkwardness. The main challenge for Chiron-Mars people is to learn to accept their own desires and feelings of anger as valid so that when they do express them, they express them naturally and with confidence.

My owies are definitely being stirred up by reading this.  I’m finding it very hard to communicate at all . . . but yes . . . I’m constantly apologizing for any kind of outburst at all.  My mars & venus are so repressed in me right now after getting triggered from my breakup in November.  Hence the forgetting of myself again . . . and my attempt right now of trying to reclaim them.

And I feel my Chiron strongly in me.  I know it’s referred to as our deepest wound . . . but there is actually something I feel even deeper than my Chiron . . . I’m starting to tear up just at mentioning it . . . and that is Sedna.  It feels like where the feeling of Chiron stops in my body . . . Sedna (tied to Chiron) is thrown down even further below into oblivion like a lost anchor.  The feeling of Sedna in me . . . makes me WISH I was only feeling Chiron.  I look forward to being up high enough to only feel Chiron.

Sedna in Taurus in 1st house

Sedna is relatively new to the astrology scene . . . but thank goodness she showed up . . . because otherwise I don’t think I would have ever gotten at that incredible ache I started to become aware of all those years ago.  The best description I’ve come across that fits how I feel Sedna, is that she is connected to the part of ourselves that we sacrificed in order to survive.  Sedna’s story is, as Darkstar Astrology puts it, “quite horrifying”.

And so I come to the crux on which my whole life seems to rest . . . she is connected and anchored to my Chiron . . . my Mars . . . and my Venus.  These are the things I sacrificed and sent to the bottom of the ocean in order to survive my childhood.  I know it’s probably hard to imagine what that means or feels like to have your Venus and Mars completely ripped from your awareness.  I’m fighting with my feelings right now, so I’ll share some things from a couple of sites while I work through it.

At Darkstar Astrology (there is good version of the story of Sedna at the link):

“The encounter with what has been lost, drowned out, or frozen long ago… In other words, our own ‘Ice Age’: the wounds in the soul caused by the impatience, condemnation, dismissal or anger of the father; the living hell of unresolved outrage; the violence of hardship where we cut off from what is desperate and vulnerable in ourselves or others in order to survive. “ [Melanie Reinhart, in her article “The Goddess of the Frozen Waters.”]

“Sedna swims into your life to tell you to stop being a victim. The way to wholeness is to recognize how you’ve been caught up in and are living the victim archetype, then to change the pattern by empowering yourself.

“The goddess Sedna teaches us that we must delve into the dark, cold places that we fear most if we are to find the riches that rest there. Sedna reminds us that, in spite of all our infirmities and our foolish mistakes, we are still worthy of love and respect and have every right to expect, and even demand, that others treat us well” [Goddess Gift]

And from Lynn Koiner

“And, on another level, I wonder if Sedna is connected with sacrificing a part of ourselves so that we can survive (throwing our Sedna into the ocean), and how we are especially responsible to “comb her hair”, since we (the father) put her deep in the ocean.”

For me, these words unlocked the key to the transformational process of Sedna.  I will add that the part of yourself that you sacrifice, split off and repress will linger deep in our subconscious, acting as a driving force, little known to our consciousness, but demanding our attention.  Just as the Inuit must go to the ocean’s depths and “comb Sedna’s hair,” we must make that Transformational Journey and tend to these  subconscious emotions, desires and memories.  If we do not, these issues will drive our lives in ways that are destructive and frustrating.

Yes . . . now I’m starting to remember.  It also explains my recent dream regarding a reference to the “goddess of the abyss”.  I’ve done this process before.

I find my way back out by remembering how it feels to be loved by getting into a state of deep meditation . . . and remembering how it feels to be loved, by feeling love for myself like another person might feel for their lover.  I allow it to feel true in my body using imagination and will.  I keep calling the feeling of being loved back to me and keep it in my awareness for as long as possible.  I convince myself that I believe it, I believe it fully.  I let it become my whole reality.  Even with eyes closed, everything begins to get brighter like someone was turning a bunch of lights on in the room around me.  When it reaches a point where it’s surrounding my whole being, and I don’t have to exert as much energy to stay in that space . . . I then delicately remove my strands of consciousness that I used to bring me closer to it. . . and then I surrender myself to it . . . and it brings me back from the bottom of the abyss and back to my existence of light and laughter.

All of my pain, struggle, and hardship gives way to peace and love.  The days of pain and suffering fade into the distance and bother me no more.

It involves seeing the most heart-breaking thing you can imagine . . . and seeing how you did it, even if it was for a good reason such as survival . . . the parts you threw in need you to see that it was you that did it, before they are willing to trust you again and return with you to the surface.  Not to hurt or punish you . . . but because that *is* the reconnecting process.  That moment when you stop trying to run from yourself and you completely drop your guard and just accept the truth without blame or judgment . . . just the raw honest to god truth of the situation . . . it makes the reconnecting process possible.  It is complete humility and surrender to something much bigger than you.  It’s when you get out of your own way, and open the space within you to allow divinity through so that you can be healed and brought back to the place where you really belong.