Starting To Pierce Through My Fears And Expressing My Inner Fire

I felt more of myself come through during this video than I’ve felt in a very long time.  My god did it feel good to get out.  There was a full hearted, present, and enthusiastic dance that ensued through my house for a little while afterwards (with music of course), moving that Aries energy through me.

Reaching this part of me felt like fresh oxygen getting into my body.  It was magnificent.  When I feel like this, when I feel like me, I don’t give a flying french fry what anyone thinks about it because it’s from my heart.  I know and feel it so deeply within me that it doesn’t matter if I was criticized and told I was wrong by every individual on the planet.  That’s when I know I’m being true to self.

This is SO much closer to the real me.  This is what I’ve been trying to get at and un-repress.  It’s just now surfacing and so there will be a few more bumpy trial and errors as I adjust, just like it took a little bit at the beginning of this video for me to really get there).  This was me starting to pierce through my Pluto & Saturn in my chart, through my fears/terrors – as well as my Chiron (deepest wound).

But Seriously, I’m Just Happy To Be Here :)

Waking up yesterday to the first full day of spring, I was really feeling the Sun’s move into Aries.  I was reminded of the core, base foundation of what Aries/Mars energy is.  The will . . . nay, the want to live.  Aries energy/vibration/frequency is what tells things, “It’s time to be born.”

It’s what motivates grass to grow and flower blossoms to bloom and tree leaves to bud.  It’s what tells babies to be born and the mind when an idea’s time has come.  “Now . . . now is the time.”  It’s not something you think about or contemplate.  That happened while in the womb, while in the dirt, while things were planning to come into existence in the physical vibration.  That is Pisces/Neptune.

No, Aries energy comes as the most basic instinct.  It is the “I want” feeling that comes from your root/base chakra.

Now, everyone has different expressions of this energy.  You can have Mars in any of the 12 zodiac signs in your chart, and you could have Aries in any of the 12 houses in the zodiac depending on the time you were born.  It’s like putting on a costume for Mars.  “Today, Mars is wearing the latest fall fashion of Sagittarius Couture.  In this very free spirited outfit, he tends to seek out dangerous adventures in the wild jungles of booga booga.”

But no matter how you express it, at it’s core, it is still our will to live.  It is the energy that brought you into this world, and it is the energy that pushes you to live life to the fullest.  Or not.

I was blessed (or not) with a buttload of this energy.  (Omg, Jenn, we KNOW!)  Well, for those of you new to the site, I have an Aries Rising/Ascendant, South Node Aries, Eris (rising), and Mars & Venus both in Aries.  I also have additional planets in the 1st house (the house of Self, Aries/Mars) that still more emphasizes my Aries/Mars energy even though they aren’t in the sign Aries.  Mercury, Chiron, & Sedna.

Do you remember back in school, how there were always those kids who seemed too stupid to know that they weren’t supposed to like school?  They were like teacher’s pets and all, “Ohh Ohh, pick me, pick me, I know the answer!” and doing all of their homework, etc.?

So that’s kind of what all of this Aries/Mars/1st house energy did to me in regards to life.  I’m all:

"I'm just happy to be here!"

“I’m just happy to be here!”

And the rest of society looks at me exactly how everyone looks at teacher’s pets, with disdain and disgust.  It is embarrassing, people.  I feel this joy bubble up in me (because as if my 1st house wasn’t enough, I also have Sun/Jupiter in Gemini. . . the energy of 100 white hot suns . . . if the suns were all great big kids – and also Neptune/Moon in Sagittarius . . . which is *the* optimist of the zodiac), and I am genuinely revved up and ready to get out there into life and make it happen!  Let’s DO this!  Woooo!

I am sincerely SO  HAPPY  JUST TO  BE  HERE! (On the inside)  But uh . . . I do not find a lot of people who share my enthusiasm for life, and there’s a point where my joy can just start to look like I’m being an insensitive asshole.  I want to fit in you guys.  I do NOT want to be *that* guy.  So if someone is all “God, life just fucking sucks.”  I’m joyously responding, “God, seriously!  Why does life have to suck so much?”  {Big grin . . . oh wait, I’m doing that wrong . . . furrow forehead}

"Am I doing it right?  Do I look more angry about life?"

“Am I doing it right? Do I look more angry about life?”

Okay, now I’m just shamefully (I *want* to say shamelessly) posting old pics of myself from a time before life took me down another couple hundred notches, so that I can feel better about myself.  These are about ten years old, (50 in single mom years).  Actually this is kind of fun.  I feel like I’m sharing an old friend of mine with you, because I am definitely not that girl anymore.  Okay one more with more of my Aries direct stare:

Then a few years later after shit really started to hit the fan for me (oh hi Saturn return) and weight gain, hair loss . . .

Jenn 2008

. . . oh, but wait, I’m still smiling.  (What the hell, Jenn?)  Okay . . . hold on I’m going to find one where I’m not smiling like a loon . . . ok I only have one I can immediately find and in this pic my family was camping and it was as hot as hellfire and I was so miserable I was ready to kick mother nature’s ass, and my mom thought that would be a great time to grab the camera.  I’m with my giant brother, Louis (I’m 5’9″ and he’s scrunching down to fit into the picture.  He’s like 10 feet tall or something like that.)

Me_Louie_2008

Anyways, I have unquenchable curiosity, and so I wanted to know why people don’t want to be here or to be alive.  So I went marching down that road head first like a spazzed out Alice.  Although instead of curiouser and curiouser, I was saying wtf? wtf?  What is wrong with you people?

No, that was a genuine question.  I wanted to know because something *had* to be wrong for them to be so unhappy to be here.  Okay, well, wait – I was *also* wondering what I was doing wrong because I was obviously missing some life memos.

Subject: Re: Don’t tell Jenn, but here’s intel that explains why you should *not* be happy about life.

Let’s face it, it is not cool to want to be alive, is it?  How ridiculous is that?  You are here–>  (red dot on life map)  The only way to un-be here is to “die”.  When that happens was pre-arranged before you came here, soooo you shouldn’t be focused on that and you certainly shouldn’t be trying to make it happen before then.  That totally misses the point of being here.

That’s like waiting in line for 4 hours to get onto the Space Mountain ride at Disneyland, and then cussing and bitching and moaning the entire time you’re on the ride.  Well, then why in the hell did you come?  Jesus people.  You know this is temporary right?  This is like a short ride.  It’s not REAL existence.  We are all pretending it is, but you guys are pretending a little too well and the “It’s a small world” ride has turned into a horror movie with creepy circus music playing in the background.

So I was looking at old astrology reports I had purchased on a site like back in 2009, because I like to see how far off the rails I’ve gone with how I see my chart.  Reading your own chart, over time, can be a bit like the telephone game where you say one sentence to the first person, and by the 15th person the message has gone from “I like toast” to “French whores smell not so great.”

It was a Life Purpose Report.  That sounds like a pretty useful thing to know.  So it had this to say:

With Saturn in Leo, your mission is to let your inner light shine, freely and joyfully expressing your multiple creative talents. When your creative expression comes directly from your heart, you inspire others to ignite their own creative spark. Ultimately, you are here to be a leader, brightening the planet with your unique vision and the pure joy of your being.

Having fun and creatively expressing yourself aren’t the worst cosmic assignments, but with Saturn in Leo, embracing the pleasure principle does not come easily. Saturn’s sign shows your fears, blocks and challenges based on childhood experiences or family background. With Saturn in Leo, your natural exuberance and creativity may have been squashed at an early age.

Saturn in Leo adults often feel like they didn’t get to be children, that they had to grow up and take on responsibility at a young age. You may feel like you never learned how to have fun. Your work is to become more like a child, fully engaged in the present moment and openly expressing your thoughts and feelings.

As Leo rules the heart, Saturn in Leo can indicate a wounded or broken heart early in life.

baby

Do you hear that people?  Squashed.  All of that enthusiasm you see in me?  That is a squashed version.  That’s right, I have been holding back.  (Oh dear god no.)

But seriously?  (Haha . . . Saturn is super serious.) My job is to find and express my inner child?  That.is.cool.  But you know what, I bet I signed up for that job thinking it would be easy, before I came down here to a bunch of whiners and dicks who feel like they’re too good to join in on life and actually, god forbid, be seen shamelessly enjoying themselves!  : )

I’m just messing, I love you guys.  But seriously . . . lighten up.  I’ve got a job to do here and you’re not making it very easy.

What Searches Are Being Done Online For Your Zodiac Sign?

Okay, so I was totally having some fun and doing that thing where you type in the start of a search phrase, and it shows you the top searches that fill in the rest of the phrase.  More specifically, I was doing it for the zodiac signs  “Why are {zodiac sign} so . . . ” and I had to share with you guys.

So here’s what the world is wanting to know about each zodiac sign according to bing.

ARIES

Aries

LOL . . . omg, I was already cracking up at Aries.  Why are they so mean in relationships?  Hot for scorpio men?  I had no idea that was some people’s views.  This was already proving to be a good idea as far as I was concerned.

TAURUS

Taurus

So far, it seems that what motivates people to do a search for someone other than themselves, is when something is wrong or bad . . . or hot.  Not seeing a whole lot of why are {zodiac sign} so AWESOME!

GEMINI

Gemini

Okay, so as a Gemini . . . this is both insightful and HILARIOUS to me.  Also, so far 3/3 for people wanting to know why each zodiac is so “mean”.  Sounds like a human problem vs a zodiac sign problem.

CANCER

Cancer

Okay, 4/4  for “mean”.  And . . . carnal?  Really?  What an odd vocabulary choice.

LEO

Leo

Mean, mean, everywhere mean.  A cold Leo gives me a sad.  So does a “difficult to love” Leo.  As a fire and the ruler of the heart, a lack of those in a Leo is a wilted flower.  : (

VIRGO

Virgo

Oh Virgo . . . you are not spared in the ever growing list of mean.  But you have annoying and manipulative to keep you company.  So that’s cool.

LIBRA

Libra

LOL . . . OMG, I totally busted out laughing when I saw “evil”.  The first of the zodiac signs to get that honor, and in the sign of the diplomat and peacemaker.  Priceless.

SCORPIO

Scorpio

Sorry Scorpio, but Libra already took the evil title.  You’ll also be happy to know that you share the label of complicated (complex) . . . along with your “favorite” sign of Gemini.  But guess what you do have all for yourself so far . . . lonely.  Awww.  : (

SAGITTARIUS

Sag

Okay, here we go . . . words like lucky and funny!  Leave it up to optimistic and lucky Sagittarius to break the cycle of doom and gloom.  (But still mean.)

CAPRICORN

Capricorn

Awww . . . poor insecure and sad Capricorn.  I see so many traits for Cancer which is the other side of the axis from Capricorn.

AQUARIUS

Aquarius

LOL!  So specific, “mean to pisces”.  The first zodiac sign to be called out for being mean to a specific zodiac sign.  And sexual?  Are you f#cking kidding me?  Bwahahahahaha.  No.

PISCES

Pisces

Oh I see . . . so people are seeing Pisces as being so different and weird and that pisses off Aquarius who wants to be the unique and different one . . . so they’re mean to Pisces.  Now it makes more sense.  ; )

So what I’ve learned from this is that being mean has to do with the person . . . not their zodiac sign.  I’ve also learned that people are much more focused on finding out what’s wrong with people than what’s right with people.  So what we’re actually seeing is a mix of the shadow side of these signs, as well as people assigning all of a person’s traits to a single zodiac sign (most likely their sun sign), AND their own projections onto others which really has nothing to do with the sign they’re searching.

But the result is both hilarious and priceless!

I Am Tired Of The Fight In Me

While driving home from my daily Starbucks run to get my grande chai tea latte, I had a soul-weary breaking moment.

Everything I’ve been facing these last weeks had finally gone past my limit.  Not my daily limit . . . not my monthly limit . . . not my annual limit . . . but my absolute limit.

The anxiety I feel every time I put something out there.  The endless questions and doubts it raises in my head.

The fear and the ‘what ifs’ from all of this had finally reached a breaking point.

Something in me gave up.  And then something else opened and said to me, “I’m tired of the fight.”

I felt the thing giving up in me, continue to lose ground.

The something new that was opening up was encouraged by this and said, “I’m tired of hiding.”

I felt the giving up thing crack all around me . . . I felt huge chunks of it fall away.

I took a big satisfying breath.

I felt my feelings surface as my body relaxed and let go.

Something new then said, “Others are going to think whatever it is they are inclined to think when they read or hear your words.”

More letting go . . . more surrendering . . . tears of relief filling my eyes.

” . . . If you’re going to be judged and misunderstood regardless . . . then why not let yourself just be who you are inside? ”

“. . . at least that way, you’ll know with complete confidence that you have nothing to be sorry for . . . ”

“. . . and whoever it is that you are . . . whether it be evil . . . whether it be good . . . what does it matter?  How can you expect yourself to be anything other than who you are?”

I expend so much energy trying to hide so many parts of myself from others.  All of the things that have tried to come out, and then were yelled at or told they were bad by others.  All of the things misunderstood . . . tighten themselves small and they huddle inside my core seeking protection.

Afraid to be seen . . . afraid to be judged . . . afraid to come out and find out that they are evil . . . hated . . . unloved.

I’m tired of the fight . . . the fight to keep those things hidden when I’m around others.

I’m tired of hiding these parts of me.

For me, they are my emotions.  They show my sensitivity.  They show how much I care.  They show how much others affect me.  And I am ashamed of them.

I’m ashamed of how easily I cry.  I’m ashamed of how much and how often simple things move me.

I don’t like how others respond to me when they see my tears . . . I want to say, “My tears don’t mean I’m weak.  My sensitivity doesn’t mean I’m fragile or that I need to be handled with kid gloves.”

If I’m crying . . . then I’m okay . . . I am in my power.  My strength and my power comes from my deep emotions.  My tears are my strength.

When I hide my tears . . . when I use all of the muscles in my body to stop them from showing . . . when I use even more muscles to keep from looking like I’m trying to not cry . . . then I’m not okay.  Then I am being weak.  Then I am closed.  Then I am not in my power.  I am hiding.  I am fighting myself to not be seen.

I keep waiting for a day when it’s okay to be me.  Waiting for others to be more accepting and understanding of each other.  While I wait for this fictitious day to arrive, I corral my sensitivity and feelings into the dark shadows and lock them behind a gate when I’m around others so they don’t accidentally pop out unexpectedly.  I seem to think this will up my chances of being accepted by others.

I’m sure others do the same.  All of us walking around with the parts of us that we hide in the shadows whispering, “Please accept me . . . please accept me . . . ”

My breaking point is being breached . . . and I can’t do it anymore.  I can’t hide any of myself in the shadows anymore.  I just can’t.

I’d rather die.

When I hide aspects of me, it already is a sort of death.  A slow suffocation.

But I also feel like I will die if someone sees me in my raw emotions.  It would almost be easier for me to go into the middle of downtown and strip down naked.

When I write that I am crying . . . I am literally crying.  There are actual tears happening.  But to most who know me in real life, my crying is like some myth.  Sure, you read stories about it . . . but you don’t actually ever see it for real.

For me to be healthy, I must feel whatever I’m feeling in the moment I’m feeling it.  I hate meetings or anything that forces me to be around a bunch of people, because then I feel forced to restrain my emotions until I can get away to a quiet place alone and feel all of the emotions I repressed.  If I’m able to.  Usually once I’ve halted my feelings, it’s hard to call it back to express it.  Which is why it is so important for me to feel it in the moment, so that it may leave me immediately.

If I were to learn how to be comfortable expressing my emotions no matter who I was with or how many people were around me . . . I would always wish to be in other’s company.  I would no longer need to hide away.

I am so reserved around others because I’m using all of my resources to keep my emotions from showing.  It’s exhausting for me to hold things in for too long.  However, too many times when I’ve let my feelings show . . . I’ve felt humiliated by the person or outright rejected.

I don’t think others doubt how strong I am.  But I feel many would be surprised by how much I feel . . . how much I care . . . how much I love . . . how much the world I see around me moves me.

When I go for walks alone . . . I may just see a butterfly in the middle of a field of grass . . . or two of them . . . and see them start dancing with each other . . . and I feel something so profound move through me, that tears will just start pouring down my face . . . and then it’s gone, but I’m left with such gratitude, satisfaction, and happiness for life.

All my Aries in the 1st house, my emotions are raw . . . I feel and emote with no filters.  They burst out of me in all of their rawness taking myself and others by surprise.  Not so much my anger . . . it’s my tears and my laughter.  I don’t know when it’s going to happen . . . I don’t know in advance what is going to move me . . . so I hold myself tight and rigid at all times I’m in public so that one doesn’t escape me and embarrass me.

The older I get, the harder it becomes to stop holding myself tight even when I’m alone.  I can’t be one way  at home and another way in the world.  I need to always be how I am at all times.  I’m always changing from moment to moment . . . while I stay constant in being myself.

It’s not something I will ever overcome . . . I either am expressing and living it . . . or I am suppressing and repressing it.  There is no overcoming it.  There is no transcending it.  Why would I want to?  It’s pure expression from my soul.

Why am I so ashamed of it?  I don’t know.  I don’t think it matters anymore.  I just need to start being it again.  No more analyzing it.  No more rationalizing it.  No more avoiding it.  Just start living it.

God I’m so scared of this.

Calling on my inner mommy tiger to help me.

Calling on my inner mommy tiger to help me.

Pity Party Is Over, Everyone Out Of The Pool!

Confidence.  Confidence.  Confidence.

It feels good to have.

I’ve been swimming the seas of over-passiveness and by this point my inner aggressor is drunk on margaritas and face down in the pool, “Wooooot” ing into the water along with a feeble attempt at fist pumping the air.

It’s time somebody sobered up that SOB and let her know that the pity party is OVER.  Everyone out of the pool!  Put your drinks down and get your ass up and get dressed.  We’re going to town.

Having been in that place with no to little willpower, low self confidence, lack of motivation and passion for a little while has been instrumental in helping me understand what I’m up against.

For one, I understand better that when I go all BraveHeart on people and they just look at me and go . . . “eh.”  That it really isn’t personal!  They currently aren’t *able* to feel what I’m saying.  That totally helps me understand the Pluto in Libra on my descendant.  It’s Libra, an air sign . . . intellect.  It’s Pluto, a water sign . . . emotion.  I run into powerful people who intellectualize their emotions instead of actually feeling them.  Not only that but I also have Uranus in the 7th house . . . an air sign, in Scorpio . . . a water sign.

Well OMG that explains a lot.  Those poor jerks aren’t actually feeling the things I feel . . . no WONDER they aren’t able to support me or understand what I’m going on about.  I hand my power over because I thought they knew better.  They can talk about the same things that I do, and so it *sounds* to me like they understand what I understand . . . but they don’t actually experience and feel the things I do.  I believed more in their intellectualized version of what I’m talking about, than I believed in my own actual experience of what I’m talking about.  Every time I’ve done that, I’ve lost my own self confidence and power.

I’ve gone from being able to feel those things, to NOT being able to experience those things (and now on my way back).  When I’m not able to feel or experience those things, and others try to give me pep talks or rouse me up, I’m just not able to experience a reaction in my body at all like that mechanism doesn’t exist.  It feels like you’re dead inside except that you’re suffering in endless anxiety and pain.  {shiver}  It’s a place of being SO passive, that nothing is able to rouse you or get you going.  You just suppress EVERYTHING that might make you respond in a way that is anything less than perfect.  Ugh!  Yuck!  No!

You can keep it . . . you can have your self righteous, perfect model of a citizen, repressed, dead of feelings, superiority complex, isolated, alone, and misunderstood life if that’s what you want.  If that’s your idea of a “win”, then knock yourself out.

{Spitting the rest of the taste of bitterness and death out of my mouth}  So gross.

That’s not the life I know and love.  Mine is fun, warm, full of life, and varying degrees of awesome.  You can come join me in mine, but I’m no longer going to go join you in yours.  That place is literally.hell.

That is a miserable, miserable place.  I feel like I need to take endless thousand degree showers to wash off the cold and ick from being there.  It is SO AWFUL.  It’s just endless torment and gray skies and aloneness.  It’s endless competition for who hurts the most so that the other wounded have to suck it up and help the most hurt.  It’s an endless cycle.

Everyone there thinks they ARE their hurt.  You can’t heal or let go of your hurt if you think that’s who you are.  Otherwise every time you try to open and let go of it, you lose yourself (or who you think you are).  So you are perpetually wounded forever!

I have Chiron (deepest wound) in my 1st house of Self.  If ANYONE in the zodiac is going to feel forever wounded inside (if that were a thing), it would be the person with Chiron in their 1st house.  But guess what?!  I am able to heal mine.  The memory of it doesn’t go away, but the pain does.  That pain and ache DOES heal.  It CAN be healed.

It may be in my 1st house, but it is NOT who I am.  Chiron is actually that thing in us that we were so good at . . . SO EXCELLENT at, but one day when we had reached our most awesomeness in that thing . . . something happened . . . and we fell.  When you’re up that high . . . you are going to fall and it’s going to hurt.  The thing that you did best, becomes your deepest wound.  So you become haunted with this memory of having been able to do *that* thing . . . but alas . . . you’ll never be that again.  So it hurts . . . it stings.

To heal that wound, you have to work to become that thing again.  Will you ever be the same as before the fall?  No!  And you don’t want to be!  That’s why you fell!  Arrogance!  You got too big for your britches (and I’m mostly talking to me) and thought you were all that and a bag of chips . . . and then something came along and knocked you off your high horse . . . and the humiliation and even the idea that you could be knocked down or defeated . . . is such a wound to your pride.

When you start to heal from that wound, you start to gain back the things that went missing in you because of the initial wound happening.  But this time it’s tempered with wisdom.  You now have an understanding that you aren’t infallible.  You aren’t going to be that same prick that you were the last time you were at that level . . . and if you do start to fall back into it . . . your wound will be poked and you’ll start to fall again.  So in that respect, no the wound never leaves you.  However, it serves a huge purpose by keeping you honest and on your path.  It helps keep you from making the same mistakes.  If you feel your wound getting touched . . . you better check yourself . . . because you’re falling back into old habits.

But what Chiron’s wound *doesn’t* mean, is that you are doomed to feel that hurt for your whole life.  No.  Just, no.  That’s incorrect.

My wound being in Taurus in my 1st house conjunct all my awesome Aries Venus/Mars and Taurus Mercury, is my ability to speak up for myself.  My confidence in myself.  My ability to defend myself.  It’s in my fear of being left alone when I do speak up.  It’s in not being supported by others when I speak my truth and what I feel and experience in my body to be true.  It’s about how I HAVE to speak and live those truths or I become ill and start to die inside.

It heals when I stop looking outside of myself for validation.  It heals when I find the courage to stand alone in what I feel and know to be true inside me . . . even if everyone walks away from me.  It heals when I do this, but ALSO stay open and receptive to others.  It heals whenever someone tries to convince me that how I feel is wrong or incorrect, and I stand in myself and say, “No.  For me this is true.  And it’s no less valid than how you feel.  I get to feel this and I get to let this be my reality and not feel bad about it.”

And when it heals . . . I feel such love and peace in me.  I drop all pretenses and defenses . . . and I’m okay with how everything is.  It’s all fine just the way it is and I wouldn’t change any of it for the world.

I go in and out of that.  So sometimes you get a Jenn that’s all open and sunshine and sometimes you walk into a Jenn that has all the doors slammed close and is freaking out inside.

I will get back to that place of peace.  And I will learn how to stay there always so that you’ll always encounter the open and sunshiney Jenn.  I hope to someday gain that wisdom to stay there.

Because confidence feels good.  It feels like you are on top of the world and like NOBODY can bring you down.  And it is hard to NOT become arrogant in that space.  I start getting a swagger in me.  I start walking down the sidewalk like I’m on a perpetual catwalk.  Me.ow.  Yep, I’m on fire and I’m about to take this whole place down to its knees.  Until a second later where my wound gets poinked and then I’m in internal freakout mode and start to shut down.  Then I just look like a quivering rabbit trying to dart out of sight of the eagle coming down to get me.

But it feels even BETTER to be in that space, and to be open and humble.  It feels a million times better.  I feel more trusting of life.  I feel more trusting that I’ll use the power I gain from my confidence in a positive way.  That I’ll use it to make the world I live in a better place.  As long as I’m in that space of being, I won’t feel any of the pain of my wound.  But if I stray even one iota . . . down I’ll go.

This is what my confidence and power feel like inside of me with no apologies:

Uranus Has Something He’d Like To Say

unique opportunity has presented itself to me.  I currently have an infrequent transit happening in my natal chart, and I’m really feeling the effects . . . so I want to document what I’m experiencing as it’s happening in the name of astrological studies.  : )

Uranus takes 84.3 years to take one lap around the Sun.  So unless I live to be approx. 120 years old . . . this is the last time I will experience this transit in my current life.

Uranus is currently transiting Aries 9 degrees:

Transiting Uranus currently at 9 degrees 0 minutes 15 seconds (Source: www.astro.com)

Transiting Uranus currently at 9 degrees 0 minutes 15 seconds (Source: http://www.astro.com)

My natal ascendant is Aries 9 degrees 18 minutes:

Transiting Uranus at Aries 9 degrees Crossing the Natal Ascendant.

Transiting Uranus at Aries 9 degrees Crossing the Natal Ascendant.

The actual documenting of me becoming aware of me experiencing this is in the post (and comments section) Remembering My Will To Live.

One of the most noticeable things I’ve noticed for me, is my increasing interest to talk about astrology in my posts.  That feeling started Jan 9, 2013 with my post Wanting To Be A Graceful Swan, Destined To Be A Goofy Dork.

However now as I understand what this new feeling in me is mostly related to, I can remember the post where I felt that first distinct shift beginning to happen in me, and it was in my post The Hum Of Life from December 30th.  Transiting Uranus was at Aries 8 degrees 39 minutes.

If some patient soul were to read my posts from shortly before that post until current . . . I wouldn’t be surprised if the reader experienced (or at least recognized) how I’ve been experiencing the approach of Uranus to my ascendant.  It actually feels to me like someone who was alone and far away from the rest of humanity . . . and started to come closer to where everyone else has been hanging out.  Flashbacks of Sesame Street just came back to me.  ( . . . . Far . . . Near . . .)

That feeling of being far off from everyone else . . .  like I can’t quite connect to the rest of the world as an individual . . . not being of this world . . . that’s how I experience Uranus in the 12th house.

The feeling of coming to the party . . . of being present and being part of a bigger group . . . is how I’m experiencing Uranus moving towards my 1st house of self.

It’s making me experience life in a completely different way.  Right now, it’s kind of intense in my head (ruled by Aries).  It feels like electrical turbulence trying to go through my head . . . or an electrified charge building in intensity.  Last night, I was getting shocked by everything I touched.  Whether it was to unplug an electrical cord or just trying to pet a cat . . . everything my hand came in touch with got zapped.  Uranus rules electricity.

{Note:  Something else started to happen here when I was writing the post.  I slipped into another state of consciousness and was just typing like a madman.  I was aware that I had gone into this state, but I had no desire to stop or go against it so I just let it run its course.}

. . .

I’m having to be even more conscious about staying open and letting everything flow through me vs. trying to stop anything flowing through me and trying to examine it.  I either “open wide” and just let stuff through . . . or start immediately suffering the consequences.  It quite literally feels like I’m trying to open my entire being both energetically and physically, to let something big come through.  Just like when giving birth.  It’s taking the same kind of focus, resources, and discipline as it took when I was in labor with my son.

Which makes sense . . . that’s the doorway you cross when you’re being born . . . from Pisces to Aries.  Aries is the natural ruler of the 1st house and the Ascendant.  Birth.  It’s the moment in time when a woman opens the doorways between *here* and *there* within herself during “labor” to allow the soul to come into this world through a physical body.  Same mechanisms in energy are in play here.

The best thing you can do in labor or whenever you’re in any incredible pain really (emotional or physical), is to surrender to it.  Let go of fighting it.  Let go of resisting it.  When you’re in labor . . . that shit is happening no matter what.  It is pointless to fight it.  But pain scares us.  So when we feel it coming on and we start to get scared, what do we do . . . we tense.  That makes it FAR worse.  Have you ever been in pain, like when you stub a toe (son of a !$%$*&), and decided to open up to the pain?

It’s hard because we instinctively tighten our body against the pain because we’re scared of it.  I promise it makes it worse.  And surrender to the pain, doesn’t mean you numb or ignore it.  That just deadens you to the pain.  No, what I’m talking about, is when the expected tension of pain starts to register . . . go into the pain.  Open up to it and surrender to it the same as you would when you experienced bliss.  If you’re ever able to overcome your instinct to cringe or fight the pain, you will experience something completely different than pain.

I did exactly that with my monthly cramps.  They used to be so bad that no amount of pain pills helped.  It was so intolerable that I was pushed to the point of trying a new way.  It took me about 6 cycles to finally shift it within me.  Each month when it was at its worst, instead of pills, I would go into deep meditation and talk to my body. “Let go . . . stop fighting . . . let go . . . stop fighting . . . it’s okay . . . you’re okay”.  Each month began to ease.  Then one month . . . I felt the muscles in my body start to do their thing . . . and my instinctive response was to “Let go”. . . and my body opened up.  And far from experiencing pain . . . I moved into ecstasy and a connection with the divine.  (Neptune/Moon conjunction).

Women’s mysteries.  We gotz them.  But we can’t access them or our power while we are in fear.  Guess why certain factions want to keep women disempowered and shut down.  Why there’s been a smear campaign against women in history . . . trying to make them feel like they’re less than they are.

It is no longer my belief that a woman’s cycle should be a source of shame.  It is a source of our power.  It should not be painful and something we tolerate.  It is where we renew our connection and ability to bring life and nourishment into the physical plane.  There is nothing more satisfying than connecting to life . . . it is meant to feel good . . . not be painful.

One way for you (if you are a female in your child bearing years) to know whether you are closed or shut down to the source of life and to receiving, is if you experience painful monthly cramps.  Or maybe you are numb or unaware of that process in you completely.

Why is the World so lacking in care, nourishment, and love?  Because Her women have been shut down.  Women bring that into the world for all of us.  Shut them down, disempower them, disrespect them, leave them to fend for themselves, force them against their will, treat them like they’re worthless, fail to protect them from harm . . . and eventually we all pay for it.

We are a world out of balance from what is natural, seeking equilibrium.  It doesn’t mean we have to go back to living in caves or log cabins in order to get back into balance.  But we have to find how to become balanced in the world we are in . . . in a different way than we currently are.

The universe is always seeking equilibrium.  Currently we have moved too far into the energy of the Masculine, Yang energy.  Too much repression of the Feminine, Yin energy.  There is not enough heart, not enough feelings, not enough caring.  What do we do when someone is sensitive?  We make fun of them.  We tell them to man up.  We see it as weak.  As if to be caring and nurturing are weak.

We don’t allow for things to be.  Everything is forced.  Everything is something to be controlled.  Schedules, goals, feelings.  We are raised from a very young age to tune out your natural way of being and flowing through life naturally in a trusting and open way.  Do this now.  Do it this way.  I want my company to make this much money by this day.  We don’t stop and listen to our inner compass to feel what should be happening at any given moment.  We force ourselves against it.  That is too much masculine energy.  That is how we lose the feminine energy of just being . . . of letting things be what they are . . . of letting things be when they need to be.

That is how we’ve become out of balance with nature.

I can still be running a company, making lots of money, and be in balance with my inner nature.  But it means being more in touch with your feelings and inner compass.  It means learning when it’s time to yang and when it’s time to yin.  There’s a time for action . . . and there is a time for just being.  When everyone is in touch with those things in themselves, then they are able to be individuals within a collective and everything run flawlessly because the universe knows what the hell it’s doing despite what we think.

When your focus is strictly on something like making money, or becoming powerful, or becoming famous instead of what should actually be happening in any given moment based on each of our natural flow, then success can become illusive.  Whereas if you had just been present and done what was needed at any given moment (by being present and aware), you would have obtained success effortlessly.

Trying to force an outcome and make things happen how you think they should happen is how you get in your own way.  That is your ego thinking it knows better than the universe how things need to happen in order to reach your goal.

We are so focused on trying to make things be a certain way or for the process to look a certain way, that we become completely blind and deaf to what is actually being asked of us by life.  We’ve moved too far towards our head and too far from our heart.  You need both in harmony and connected in order to function effectively.  Basically the blending of masculine and feminine.  The divine marriage.

Why are so many men becoming so sensitive and effeminate and so many women are becoming more assertive?  Because that is nature’s way of correcting an imbalance.  We’ve become so blind by ourselves, that we sit and argue over whether a male being gay is an evil sin or not . . . instead of seeing that it stems from an imbalance in the masculine over the feminine.  The “sin” is that the interaction between the masculine (patriarchy) and feminine (matriarchy) is so far out of balance that mother nature is having to overcorrect to such obvious degrees.  Condemning the individuals and groups that are the NATURAL result of that imbalance, and who are in fact part of nature’s solution to correct that imbalance is the sin in that scenario.

Who are the most furious and hateful towards homosexuals?  The mindset of a select group of white males.  Who is in power and the most out of balance with the feminine energy?  The same select group of white males.  They are the ones so far out of balance, and yet they condemn the homosexuals who are here to try and counteract the imbalance caused by the select group of white males.  It’s not the homosexuals themselves that they should be afraid of, it’s what they represent.  They are letting those in power know, that their time is coming to an end.  And they have absolutely no say in it.

They don’t want to lose “perceived” control over Earth.  But you do not own a woman like an object.  You do not control a woman against her will.  If you are in power, it’s because she is letting you be in power . . . not because you have conquered her.  Earth is being very merciful and patient . . . trying to give as much warning and time as possible for those out of balance, to change their ways.  If their pride and arrogance refuse to change and bring things back into balance.  Then she will end it.  She will fuck them up to bring the suffering they are causing the many to an end.  Hence the increase in natural disasters.

There is too much focus on the signs of trouble, being the cause for the trouble, instead of seeing that they are simply markers . . . warnings . . . not the things themselves that are causing the trouble.

It’s also a sign to the rest of us who came to help during this time, to stop allowing that shit to continue.  Stop taking it.  Stop pretending like the insane logic that rules our planet is okay or that you’re helpless against it.  You absolutely are not.  If every single one of us who have suffered from this imbalance were to start standing up and gaining self knowledge and clarity and what we know to be true for ourselves and then holding ourselves to our truths . . . then those currently in power and enforcing their will onto us . . . would lose all of their power over Earth.

Question why you do what you do.  Why do you continue to live in suffering?  What could you do different in each moment to break out of that cycle and change how you live life . . . how you experience life.  How we all experience life.

WHO MADE ALL OF THESE DUMBASS RULES THAT DON’T WORK FOR THE MAJORITY OF US?

And why do we continue to just do them instead of finding a new way that works better for us . . . that works better for all of us?  Why do we continue to do the same things over and over when they hurt us?  There is always a different way.  There is always a new way.  We never have to settle with “that’s just how things are”.  Ask yourself WHY are they like that.  What’s the reasoning behind it?  Does it still apply?  Is there a new, better way?  Talk about those ideas.  Find the courage to try those ideas no matter how small and insignificant you think they are.

Well then.  If this post is any indication of what’s to come during the time period that Uranus moves across my ascendant and into my 1st house of Self, then the world may need to brace itself for me.

Remembering My Will To Live

Do you know what I remembered about myself today?  The only time I get angry . . . and I mean like Wrath of Jenn kind of angry . . . is when a true injustice is happening and needs to be set right.

You know what else I realized about myself?  I *don’t* believe that the actions of a person necessarily say what kind of person someone is.  People often say, “Actions speak louder than words.”  Well . . . okay.  But does that make them more accurate than words?  Is it not possible that the same thing that fuels a person’s words can also fuel their actions . . . and both be just as wrong or right?

I understand what is meant by the quote.  That there is talking about something, and then there’s actually doing something about it.  But some people are meant to use their words . . . and some are meant to take action.  Not everyone is meant to do both.  But that’s getting off track.  I was simply wanting to point out that I see flaws in this quote, so since I’m going to tear it apart anyways . . .

It’s easy to make a swift judgment about someone based on their words or their actions without bothering to even understand their motive or what drives them.  That’s the lazy way.  Or.  That’s the fearful way.

I’ve been watching a Korean drama series called “The Great Queen Seon Deok” on Netflix.  And as often happens in my world, the things I happen to be watching or reading at any point in my life, have circumstances play out that ends up having the characters talking about exactly the things that have been on my mind for that day or even the hour before.

Yesterday, I was wondering what had happened to my will.  Why has my will and confidence waned in the last year?  How do I get it back?  I have loads of Aries Fire . . . will, initiative, drive, fight . . . so where is it?  And why can’t I even seem to get myself into an anger fit over having lost it?  I actually miss getting angry.  I miss caring about something so much that I’m willing to go to battle over it.

The conversations between the characters last night touched on this subject.  The “evil” woman-in-charge in the show (who eventually the Great Queen opposes), said that there are two things we can do when we become afraid.  We can run.  Or we can get angry.  (And then me being a back seat driver said, “Or you can freeze.”)

But this supposed evil woman (who really has quite a bit of wisdom, even if misguided) really got me thinking.  She basically had said “fight or flight” . . . the survival instinct . . . Aries.  But because she had worded it differently (or the translator did . . . unsung heroes), it helped me see outside of my box.

Later in the episode, it showed an action the evil woman had taken to get her way.  The villagers were running away in fear . . . victims . . . helpless.  Even the royalty were bending over and taking it.  But then this one dude in the Princess’s guards lost it when his parents were like . . . “maybe we should have you marry into her family (evil woman – not princess) in order to keep our clan safe for future generations.”  The dude was like “What?  WHAT?!”  And then his mom was like don’t lose your cool, don’t act irrationally, etc.

Then the guy earned my respect when he DID become calm . . . but also very focused . . . and VERY sure about himself.  He was *confidence* and *calm* incarnate.  He said, “No.  No.  FIRST (said every Aries ever) you get angry.  FIRST you let yourself feel the anger of what is happening.”

I think it was at this point I started crying.

He wasn’t going off like a berserker and mindlessly going on a killing spree.  He was using his anger in the way it was intended to be used.  To change how things are.  Anger is an energy that is needed in order to take action to do something that needs to be done.  But I feel like there’s this assumption that anger means we go to war.  Yes, if you lose your goddamn head (Aries) you can find yourself writing checks your ass can’t cash and end up in costly wars.  But temper (Libra) and discipline that Aries energy . . . and you have someone who is going to make change happen that is long overdue.

The dude (who shall be referred to for the rest of my post as “my hero”) went to the princess and the “secret” princess pretending to be a man in the guard, and was all “Seriously?  Seriously?  Don’t tell me that you’re sitting there in fear.  Because if you’re sitting there wimping out in defeat, I’m outta here.”  And then you saw the secret princess pause . . . and then something lit up in her eyes.  And I started cheering at the TV.

I KNOW that look.  That is the look of determination.  That is the look of, “oh HELL no you did not just mess with my peeps.”

All it takes is that one person . . . that ONE person (Aries) . . . to spark that fire in others.  That’s exactly what Aries is . . . the spark of life.  Of the three fires in the zodiac (fire is inspiration), Aries is the spark that initiates life.  It’s the moment we are born.  The moment new ideas are born.  (Leo & Sagittarius are the other fires).  It’s the crossover from the divine (pisces) into life (aries).  Aries is the start of spring.  New life.

Aries/Mars is also the will to live.  Your will to live.  Your reason for living.

I have a LOT of this in me.  But when you have lots of something, you can take it for granted . . . not understand what you have that others are missing.  I have experienced the last year, what it feels like to have it go missing.  And o . m . g . you guys.  It sucks.  It sucks ass.  It sucks ass bad.

I have always struggled with my temper and my anger.  I don’t want people to be scared of me.  I don’t want to scare people.  I want to help and protect them.  But my temper and anger is often misunderstood.  I’ve worked so hard to  . . . well I guess honestly to overcome it . . . to try and transcend my anger.  For some reason I took my anger (which is the same energy as my will, confidence, passion) to be something bad or wrong with me.  A civilized person doesn’t get angry.

And that’s exactly what all these royal “people in charge” were trying to tell my hero.  That the way he was feeling was wrong.  And he was all, “Nope.”  {swoon}

Aries are also the leaders in life.  They’re the ones who are willing to stand alone in what they believe, and say, “This is not right.  This is not okay.  I cannot stand by and continue to go along with this.  I need to take action.”  Anger . . . serves . . . a VERY important purpose.  And if our response is ALWAYS to repress it in the name of being “civil” or even “sacrifice” (here, marry our enemy) . . . we will as a whole, lose our will.

We will lose our will to live.  We will lose our fight . . . our spirit.  We will lose all of the fuel needed in order to make true change happen in our times of need.  You aren’t being civilized just because you aren’t raising your voice.  You aren’t being a good person just because you are being passive.

And I LOVED my hero’s point.  He wasn’t saying to throw diplomacy out the window.  He wasn’t saying that you don’t sit and think things through.  He was saying FIRST . . . you let yourself feel your anger so that you have clarity and understanding about what is really happening.  That is the epitome of Aries . . . and my Aries Mars and Venus were crying, cheering . . . feeling validated for probably the first time ever.  That it’s okay.  It’s okay that I am that way.  It serves a purpose . . . there is a use for it in our lives.  It is not something that fell away with the days that we were “barbarians”.

How do you know how you feel about something really, if you don’t let the initial emotion that comes through . . . come through.  My Aries outbursts are immediate . . . and then gone.  I mean gone gone.  I don’t hold grudges.  I erupt with the initial feeling at a situation . . . that tells me without filtering or rationalizing, what I REALLY feel about something.  Then it’s gone . . . but then I’m left feeling very clear about what it is I need to do.  It’s like a super power.  My level of awareness and focus goes into supernova and I know exactly what.the.fuck. needs to happen.  And it does happen.  It will happen.

An immature Aries person might do it without thinking and hurt and run over people.  But I’ve been disciplining the hell out of my Aries, and I’m fully aware and present when I’m in that state.  I am able to continue to stay aware of what I’m doing, even as I’m managing and putting out 10,000 fires.  This is what my anger, my temper, my Aries does for me.  It’s what makes me a superhero in my own story of life.

When I try to hide it, or suppress it so that I don’t intimidate or scare others, or because of other’s judgment of what they think it is . . . I lose a very, very important part of who I am.  Without my fight and passion . . . I am not me.  Without my heart and love for those in my world . . . I am nothing.  I become nothing.  I accomplish nothing.  I lose my will.  I lose my fire.

My actions become ones from a place of fear.  I buckle under pressure.  I lose my voice.  I become afraid of taking any risks or any chances.  I become a victim of life.  I do what I’m told without argument.  (<— that’s an action)  I do all kinds of things I don’t agree with because I have no fight or strength to do otherwise.  (<— that’s an action)  I only do bare minimum to get by or survive (<— that’s an action)  But . . . those things are not me.  That’s a broken Jenn.  That’s not a Jenn on Fire.

There was a quote in a recent post of mine that said that with my North Node Libra, I would find in me a great ability to give will to others where there was none before.  And when reading that, it had made me cry.  I didn’t know why it touched me.  But after feeling so worthless and “wrong” and bad my whole life because of my passion and will . . . and then seeing that there is a need and a purpose for that very thing in me . . . I feel validated in life and for my existence in the highest degree.  That it’s because of those very things in me that have been feared, shamed, repressed . . . that make me such a valuable and needed person in the world.

It’s like having wandered the wilderness alone my whole life, wishing for any sign of a friendly face or a kind word . . . and having only ever met hungry wolves.  And then one day, wandering into a huge protected community full of people who have been waiting for me with open arms in order to fill me up with all the love care a person could ever want . . . just because I was me.  Just because I existed.  That that was all that was ever being asked of me in the first place.

Gomer Pyle

Before I Get To Goofy Dork, I Need To Make A Quick Stop At The Local Abyss

This is more or less a continuation of yesterday’s post, Wanting To Be A Graceful Swan, Destined To Be A Goofy Dork, where I’m looking to my natal chart to help me re-gather the pieces of myself and remember who I am again.

I’m currently bobbing in and out of a Neptunian blanket of fog, going from clarity and renewal to  . . . wait . . . what was I doing?  Where am I?

The part of my chart that poked it’s head out today . . . once I saw it, it’s almost embarrassing for me that it wasn’t the first thing I was researching.  And yet, when I think back to when I first began this exercise . . . it’s almost like this part of my chart didn’t exist.  Even in my memory, that area is *blanked out* as if it didn’t exist.  Which is actually very indicative of what’s going on there.

Before I continue, here’s my full chart again (but with an additional planet that is central to my post today):

Jenn's Natal Chart

Jenn’s Natal Chart

I don’t know if you noticed, but there is a party happening in my first house.  In the days when I was first learning astrology and mingling with the natives, people’s response to my first house was “Wow!” or “OMG, Look at that 1st house!”  And then that would be it.  Like it was self-explanatory.  I would keep staring at them with wide-eyed wonder and hopeful eyebrows raised, trying to say with my face  ” . . . AND?”  When that failed, I would just come out and say exasperated, “What does that mean?!”

It was usually just a quick, generic sentence like “Oh, you’re . . . fast.”  “You’re a go-getter.”  . . . O.o  What?  That didn’t match their initial response at all.  I would never, ever say “OMG!” to something so lame.  It made me want to hit my head against the wall (Aries-much?) and well . . . it touched on something so deep and owie in me.  Something that I had no hope at the time in articulating. I was only starting to become aware that this *thing* existed.  This *something* that made up a huge part of my existence that I couldn’t see . . . I couldn’t hear . . . I had absolutely no way to label it or describe it.

All I really knew was that their reaction to my first house caused a split second of elevated awareness in me and a feeling of familiarity and something that I had known and forgotten.  And something that I was missing.  Something that I had lost and forgot that I lost.  Something that I ached for with every molecule of my entire being.  In that moment, it wouldn’t have been beneath me to burst into sobbing tears and begging somebody, anybody to help me.  To please help me, something . . . some . . . I don’t know what it is but I needed someone’s help.

I would have too . . . except that my instinct (Aries, 1st house, Mars) to protect myself would get triggered, and of the fight, flight, or freeze . . . my defense of choice was to freeze.  I would lock up in myself.  I was absolutely unable to communicate outside of myself.  I went into “ghost” mode . . . where I would become absolutely invisible.  I never tested it, but I felt very sure that I could have done anything I wanted to and not only would nobody notice, they wouldn’t even remember that I had been there in the first place.  This went far beyond just feeling invisible.  I may have not understood what was going on with me, but if there was one thing I understood. . . it was instinctual awareness . . . and I was.not. registering in anyone’s awareness whenever I went into freeze/ghost mode.

A quick side note . . . I’m having an incredibly hard time staying connected to my feelings while I write this . . . so my post may start having a *colder* feeling to it than normal.  I’m having to exert a lot of will power to stay conscious and aware while I write.  I’m nearly operating on survival instinct alone.  It has everything to do with the topic.  It has everything to do with my 1st house.  It’s the affect the 1st house has on me that you’re witnessing for yourself first hand.  In fact, it’s my hope that bringing all of this to light will help me reconnect to my 1st house.  The house of Self.  The house I lose and *blank out* the most in my entire chart.  My house of Ghost.

The attendee list for my 1st house includes Eris rising, Venus, Mars, South Node in Aries and Chiron, Sedna, and Mercury in Taurus.  Of that entourage, Venus, Mars, South Node, Chiron, & Sedna are conjunct.  That is cray cray.

What I know now but couldn’t articulate (Mercury) then, was that I wasn’t even understanding the concept of the 1st house.  I had no comprehension of what it meant.  I would read about Aries and it would say things like pioneer, leader, warrior.  But . . . what does that mean?!?  I have a 1st house full of warrior?  What.does.that.mean?  What does that look like in my everyday life?  When am I being Aries in my life?  What is something an Aries might say?  How is it different from something every other sign might say or do?  I couldn’t see it!  It was literally a blank spot in my awareness.

Which . . . is kind of something that doesn’t often get brought up about Aries and 1st house . . . it’s often something that is such a part of us that you can’t see it.  Like when you forget that you put your glasses on top of your head.  You tear the place apart looking for your glasses.  Where are my bleeping glasses?  When someone mercifully points out that they’re on your head, you at once feel both relief and also like a complete idiot.  That’s how I experience Aries.  I also experience it like it’s some big secret that everyone else gets except me.  Someone commenting on my previous post who has Mercury in Aries made a reference to this.  I cannot stress how much Aries does NOT feel to the native, the way that everyone describes and talks about Aries.

In the astrology community, there is a lot of smack talk given about Aries.  The impression I got from people when I was in student mode . . . and how I now understand it for myself . . . are two completely different things.  And it actually kind of pisses me off how people bad mouth and represent that sign like they do.  If you knew what it was like to live in Aries skin, you would shut your mouth and speak more kindly.  Just because Aries talks about themselves, does not mean they are selfish . . . and just because Libra speaks about others, doesn’t mean they are selfless.

Yes, I have other things at work in my 1st house that influences my feeling on this.  But before I lose my train of thought, how I used to always experience Aries is that I couldn’t see me.  It’s like looking in the mirror and seeing no reflection.  I talk about myself in an effort to see me.  All I know is others.  I know all about other people and why they do what they do, what makes people tick and the many different ways they relate to each other in the many different scenarios of life . . . but I have no context or reference of how I fit into ANY of it because I can’t see me (me being the forgotten glasses on top of my head).  I’ve been accused of being insensitive, by the very people who sit there and laugh with each other over how unaware Aries are about other people.  Do you know how hurtful that is?  My entire life has been focused on understanding others . . . and I’m being made fun of by others right in front of my face like my Aries makes me deaf or something.

Aries isn’t retarded.  Aries isn’t even being oblivious to others.  Aries needs help and the reflection from others in order to see themselves, in order to give them context and understand their place in existence.  They are so up close and personal with Self, they can’t see it.  Aries is the new spark of life . . . it’s the time in life when we’re a baby.  Why would you sit there and laugh and make fun of a baby needing your help to understand its place in the world?

Now seems like a good time to bring up what is affecting my understanding of 1st house & Aries. (Also, I’d like to point out my own diversion tactic . . . I’m heading into owie territory so I’ve been skating around it.  4 paragraphs of skating around it.  This is one of my forms of avoidance.  I call myself out on things like this to keep myself on the straight and narrow.  I don’t want my own bullshit to be what stops me from getting through.)

Right now, I’m trying to relax my tensed body, and breathe more oxygen into my body in an effort to move out of fight, flight, or freeze mode.

* * *

 Okay . . . so I’ll start with my Chiron:

Chiron in Taurus in 1st House.

Chiron in Taurus in 1st House.

Chiron is our deepest wound.  The short of it being in my 1st house, is that it will most likely lead to a journey of self-discovery.  What Astrology Study had to say about Chiron in general:

Chiron in the natal chart represents our “deepest wound”. It shows an area of our lives and part of our psyches in which we lack self-esteem or even self-respect and tend to overcompensate as a result. We tend to give and give and give in these areas of life, until we learn to build our confidence. Chiron represents insecurity, guilt, and, to some degree, subservience. We feel a seemingly endless need to prove ourselves in these areas of life, until we learn that proving ourselves simply never works! In fact, it ends up making us feel even more ineffective.

Specifically about Chiron in the 1st house:

Possibly, there were restrictions in early childhood that will have had the effect on you of either retreating into yourself or having to fight to be noticed. There will be a need to find personal meaning in existence. Some will do this by being overly aggressive, others by withdrawing.

I obviously tend towards the withdrawing part.  I chose this site because it also mentioned Chiron-Venus & Chiron-Mars contacts . . . which since I have those two conjunct Chiron, this gives me additional understanding.  For Chiron-Venus:

With Chiron-Venus aspects, there is a tendency to give, and give, and give again in close personal and love relationships, and a tremendous fear of rejection from a lover. No matter how much these people do for a partner, they never feel it is enough. Early experiences of rejection or other problem relationships helps these people to learn a tremendous amount about love and relationships, and they can easily be turned to for very insightful advice about human interactions. Applying this wisdom on a personal level is the challenge, as Chiron-Venus people need to first heal their own deep fears of not being “good enough”. They need to learn to love themselves and to make sure their partners are meeting them halfway. They might also be attracted to partners who need help, but with the hard aspects, it might be hard to get back the same kind of attention or appreciation.

Ouch.  That’s hitting a little close to home . . . ok . . . now Chiron-Mars:

Asking for what we want, or self-assertiveness, is the main challenge for people with Chiron-Mars aspects. They might find themselves apologizing after an “outburst” of anger, self-assertion, or statement of desire–somehow feeling ashamed. The Mars expression can be unusual and come across as outbursts because of the lack of confidence in the validity of their desires or whether their personal desires deserve to be met. There can also be some physical clumsiness or awkwardness. The main challenge for Chiron-Mars people is to learn to accept their own desires and feelings of anger as valid so that when they do express them, they express them naturally and with confidence.

My owies are definitely being stirred up by reading this.  I’m finding it very hard to communicate at all . . . but yes . . . I’m constantly apologizing for any kind of outburst at all.  My mars & venus are so repressed in me right now after getting triggered from my breakup in November.  Hence the forgetting of myself again . . . and my attempt right now of trying to reclaim them.

And I feel my Chiron strongly in me.  I know it’s referred to as our deepest wound . . . but there is actually something I feel even deeper than my Chiron . . . I’m starting to tear up just at mentioning it . . . and that is Sedna.  It feels like where the feeling of Chiron stops in my body . . . Sedna (tied to Chiron) is thrown down even further below into oblivion like a lost anchor.  The feeling of Sedna in me . . . makes me WISH I was only feeling Chiron.  I look forward to being up high enough to only feel Chiron.

Sedna in Taurus in 1st house

Sedna in Taurus in 1st house

Sedna is relatively new to the astrology scene . . . but thank goodness she showed up . . . because otherwise I don’t think I would have ever gotten at that incredible ache I started to become aware of all those years ago.  The best description I’ve come across that fits how I feel Sedna, is that she is connected to the part of ourselves that we sacrificed in order to survive.  Sedna’s story is, as Darkstar Astrology puts it, “quite horrifying”.

And so I come to the crux on which my whole life seems to rest . . . she is connected and anchored to my Chiron . . . my Mars . . . and my Venus.  These are the things I sacrificed and sent to the bottom of the ocean in order to survive my childhood.  I know it’s probably hard to imagine what that means or feels like to have your Venus and Mars completely ripped from your awareness.  I’m fighting with my feelings right now, so I’ll share some things from a couple of sites while I work through it.

At Darkstar Astrology (there is good version of the story of Sedna at the link):

“The encounter with what has been lost, drowned out, or frozen long ago… In other words, our own ‘Ice Age’: the wounds in the soul caused by the impatience, condemnation, dismissal or anger of the father; the living hell of unresolved outrage; the violence of hardship where we cut off from what is desperate and vulnerable in ourselves or others in order to survive. “ [Melanie Reinhart, in her article “The Goddess of the Frozen Waters.”]

“Sedna swims into your life to tell you to stop being a victim. The way to wholeness is to recognize how you’ve been caught up in and are living the victim archetype, then to change the pattern by empowering yourself.

“The goddess Sedna teaches us that we must delve into the dark, cold places that we fear most if we are to find the riches that rest there. Sedna reminds us that, in spite of all our infirmities and our foolish mistakes, we are still worthy of love and respect and have every right to expect, and even demand, that others treat us well” [Goddess Gift]

And from Lynn Koiner

“And, on another level, I wonder if Sedna is connected with sacrificing a part of ourselves so that we can survive (throwing our Sedna into the ocean), and how we are especially responsible to “comb her hair”, since we (the father) put her deep in the ocean.”

For me, these words unlocked the key to the transformational process of Sedna.  I will add that the part of yourself that you sacrifice, split off and repress will linger deep in our subconscious, acting as a driving force, little known to our consciousness, but demanding our attention.  Just as the Inuit must go to the ocean’s depths and “comb Sedna’s hair,” we must make that Transformational Journey and tend to these  subconscious emotions, desires and memories.  If we do not, these issues will drive our lives in ways that are destructive and frustrating.

Yes . . . now I’m starting to remember.  It also explains my recent dream regarding a reference to the “goddess of the abyss”.  I’ve done this process before.

I find my way back out by remembering how it feels to be loved by getting into a state of deep meditation . . . and remembering how it feels to be loved, by feeling love for myself like another person might feel for their lover.  I allow it to feel true in my body using imagination and will.  I keep calling the feeling of being loved back to me and keep it in my awareness for as long as possible.  I convince myself that I believe it, I believe it fully.  I let it become my whole reality.  Even with eyes closed, everything begins to get brighter like someone was turning a bunch of lights on in the room around me.  When it reaches a point where it’s surrounding my whole being, and I don’t have to exert as much energy to stay in that space . . . I then delicately remove my strands of consciousness that I used to bring me closer to it. . . and then I surrender myself to it . . . and it brings me back from the bottom of the abyss and back to my existence of light and laughter.

All of my pain, struggle, and hardship gives way to peace and love.  The days of pain and suffering fade into the distance and bother me no more.

It involves seeing the most heart-breaking thing you can imagine . . . and seeing how you did it, even if it was for a good reason such as survival . . . the parts you threw in need you to see that it was you that did it, before they are willing to trust you again and return with you to the surface.  Not to hurt or punish you . . . but because that *is* the reconnecting process.  That moment when you stop trying to run from yourself and you completely drop your guard and just accept the truth without blame or judgment . . . just the raw honest to god truth of the situation . . . it makes the reconnecting process possible.  It is complete humility and surrender to something much bigger than you.  It’s when you get out of your own way, and open the space within you to allow divinity through so that you can be healed and brought back to the place where you really belong.

Libra and Aries Sitting in a Tree

Oh beautiful Libra.  The sign of peace, harmony, and refinement.  Ruled by Venus, how could you be anything other than beautiful?  The sign of high society and being civilized.  Seeking fairness and win/win situations.  You never wish to offend.  You’re more than okay with compromise.  You know how to relate to people from all walks of life.  And you do it so well in your designer clothes and polished skin.

{Big satisfying sigh followed by contemplative stare into the distance}

The sun moves through Libra from end of September through most of October.  And as beautiful as Libra is . . . the poor dear is running amok in our world.  We are all experiencing first hand what happens when Libra is left to run unchecked.  It isn’t all Libra’s fault, there are many things in play . . . but here’s Libra’s part in it.

Libra is the diplomat.  Libra is the one that goes into negotiations and makes sure that everyone gets fairly represented.  If someone isn’t available to say their side or piece, Libra will step in and speak on behalf of that person or group.

To be civil . . . is to be Libra.  Libra is societal standards.  “This is how you treat someone, this is how you do not treat someone.”  Libra is ruled by Venus and by the 7th house of (others) one on one relationships.  Relating to others.  7th house is the first house in the zodiac where it’s not just about ourselves internally . . . it’s about others outside of ourselves in relation to us.

But Libra can sometimes get so caught up in the mission for peace and harmony, that the other side of the axis . . . Aries . . . gets completely left out of the equation.  And that’s a Big.Problem.

If I were to look at current world events as any indication of what is going on with this axis, I would say that Libra was on a huge political smear campaign against Aries.

You’ve seen those movies and shows about the ruling aristocratic families looking all fancy shmancy with all their money and well bred sophisticated ways.  <cough>Libra<cough>  It’s long since stopped about making things actually fair among the people, and has become all about making things *appear* a certain way.  “What would so and so think if they knew that Martha was seen with a man without an escort?” *Gasp* . . . . *Faint*.  And we’ve also seen in these shows, how on the surface they seem refined and sophisticated . . . but holy shit if the psychological undercurrent running underneath isn’t a little savage!

They are (were) meant to be role models for the rest of us.  So . . . when they couldn’t tame the wildness inside <cough>Aries<cough>,  . . . they simply . . . [r] [e] [p] [r] [e] [s] [s] [e] [d] it.  They pretended it didn’t exist in them.  They covered up and hid anything that did not fit current societal standards in order to keep their power and standing in the community.  Anything hinting of non-refinement was squashed like a bug and disposed of in secret.

It’s so WEIRD how wars still manage to break out amongst such proper upstanding citizens.  (I know, right?)

Also of note, is that those in the upper class families live lives of relative leisure.  If you knew that you’d still have a comfy home, plenty of food and resources regardless of what you did or didn’t do . . . you’d probably lose some of your motivation to discipline and strengthen yourselves.  In fact, that is part of the burden of Libra . . . you have to find another motivation to DO anything in life, besides sheer survival (like the rest of us peasants).

So what is Aries?  Aries is the ruler of Mars and of the 1st house of self.  Even those who are not familiar with astrology, know that Mars is associated with war.  Aries could also be thought of as animalistic instinct.  When a momma bear sees her cub being threatened, she instinctively goes to tear that threat to pieces.  When someone is acting savagely, we might say they’re acting like an animal.  Aries (<—non-Libra).  Aries is unrefined, raw energy.  When you first mine a gemstone . . . it’s not so pretty.  It’s in more of an Aries state (rock), than the Libra state (jewlry).

But what else is Aries?  What else is lurking and hiding in this primal state of energy that might be of use to a modern society?

First of all, Aries is the spark of life.  Aries is the first sign of the zodiac, and of spring.  Before Aries is the 12th sign, Pisces.  And Pisces is the state we come from and return to . . . when *not* incarnated in life.  So as the wheel of life turns, and we are looking to be born into life, Aries is that moment when something goes from non-life . . . to Life.  Whatever magical transformation is happening in that moment . . . that *Spark* . . . is the Aries energy.  It is pure, unrefined, raw divine energy.

Aries is a fire sign (along with Leo & Sagittarius), and where there is fire . . . there is Life.  Anytime you see someone brought to life, they are filled with fire energy.  If they sparkle, glow, shine . . . they are exuding the fire principle in life.  Each fire sign brings a different kind of fire.  Aries is the firestarter . . . the spark that starts or ignites something new.  Leo is a sustaining fire . . . the fire that shines like a lighthouse or beacon for others to look to.  And Sagittarius . . . sets a blaze or path to a higher understanding or truth.  Fire is inspiring.  Fire is warmth, love, heart  . . .  without fire energy . . . life is cold and lifeless.

Aries is the sign of self, will, motivation.  Where ever Mars is in our charts, is where and how we get motivated to DO anything.  It’s what lights up the fire in our soul and sends us on our mission or quest in life.  It’s how we know who we are from others.  There’s myself (1st house, Aries, Mars) and then there are others (7th house, Libra, Venus).  It’s what makes you come alive.  It’s what ignites your passion and your desires.  It’s what makes you WANT to live.  It’s what makes you WANT to survive.

It’s also raw and unrefined.  When a student wants to learn how to play the violin, initially it is squeaky squawky and really hard to listen to.  But with the will and motivation to learn, the student can refine and discipline their talent into something breathtaking and harmonious.  That is Aries —-> Libra axis action.

When a person has a lot of Aries energy, they can *appear* to be very unaware of others (and when they are younger this is probably true).  They have so much raw energy coming in from source to ignite new things here, that it’s really hard to know what to do with it.  It can come out impulsively, randomly, awkwardly, uncomfortably, or crudely.  But, from those things come new ideas, new solutions.  Aries are our leaders and innovators.  They must act.  They must do.  They must be in motion.

Aries can also rage.  This does not sit comfortably with Libra.  Only savages rage.  Civilized people talk out their differences.  But Aries feels things instantly.  Just like animal instinct, they are feeling something before they even know themselves what is happening.  They are in the middle of it before they understand that it is happening.

Babies do this also.  When they are hungry, they cry.  They don’t know of any other way to get their needs met.  This is an Aries response . . . one of survival.  As a child gets older, hopefully they receive nurturing and care, and are taught how to overcome that instinct in a more refined way.  Can you imagine if we all started to bawl our heads off as it got closer to lunch time?!  (hilarious)  So, part of growing up, is about becoming refined and preparing us to be suitable to have relationships with others outside of ourselves.  This is a necessary process.

But here’s where something broke down at some point in our history.  There is the actual refinement process going from Aries to Libra on the zodiac axis where we develop things like strength, conscious awareness of the actions we take, competition (testing ourselves), discernment, personal responsibility, etc.  And then there is the fakeout refinement process that we’ve been doing . . . and calling it the real thing.

One requires a lot of hard personal work. (Aries) The other is called repression.  When you take the “easy” road (and god knows why it’s called easy . . . it’s the most miserable road I can imagine venturing on) you don’t put in the hard work of facing and overcoming an obstacle.  You simply pretend it’s not there, and let it sink into the background as if it doesn’t exist.  You close down a part of your conscious awareness (Aries) in order to avoid something unpleasant or unacceptable (Libra).  You sweep it under the rug.  You don’t talk about it in public (7th house).

We promote constantly how we should always be out helping others (Libra, 7th house) and not think of ourselves (Aries, 1st house).  There is a lot of self denial going on, as if our “self” is something shameful.  We label it ego and try to stomp it out.  If we don’t want to help someone else (maybe because we’re exhausted and need some rest), it’s not typically okay for us to say, “Sorry, but I don’t want to.”  It’s not okay to say we don’t want to go to that dinner party and schmooze with a bunch of people who are being fake.  You suck up your own wants, and do what you’re expected to do to keep up the charade.

When this goes too far (and it definitely has in my opinion), there are going to be consequences.  One is that repressing the Aries energy doesn’t make it go away.  For those who aren’t able to repress it, it may pops up in the form of passive aggressiveness . . . or more and more the trend is becoming for people to just outright blow a gasket and go on rampages.

For those who are successful in repressing their Aries/Mars/1st house self, something much sadder happens.  They lose their spark of life.  They lose motivation to do anything.  They begin to feel helpless or don’t know what the point of trying is.  They.lose.their.will.to.live.  They become docile.  They are no longer able to get excited about anything anymore.  They begin to only know a life of apathy.  They don’t know what to do.  They no longer know what they want themselves.  Everything becomes about just trying to survive.

There have been a LOT of lines crossed in governments worldwide in recent years.  And all it takes when something outrageous happens to calm everyone back down, is to explain it in a very diplomatic way.  We believe, that as long as it is being done in a diplomatic way . . . that it’s okay.  Plus, we equate being angry with being irrational.  But, uh . . no.  That’s where we need to shine some light.

There is a time to negotiate and talk and there is a time to take action.  There is a time to be calm and a time to be angry.  There is a time to compromise and a time to stand up for ourselves and say, um no . . . you just crossed a line.

Anger and rage is a powerful, powerful energy.  Left unchecked and undisciplined, you get people blowing up places.  The energy itself is NOT EVIL.  It simply IS.  It is INTENSE.  But, with trained strength, discipline and will . . . it can come up with instant creative solutions.  Spark the dying embers in a people losing hope, back to life and help them feel warmth and love again.  It can inspire.  It can help remind people of who they are.

Aries . . . above all else . . . is raw consciousness. The more you know your own Self (your own needs, your own wants and protect those things from others) the more clarity you gain.  It IS light.  It IS what makes things happen.  It IS what brings change.  If you use it like a Neanderthal, than the use of it will look brutal.  But strengthen and refine that same energy, and it becomes drive, passion, inspiration.  What would a world without passion and inspiration look like?

Before I end this monster post, for the astrologers and/or the curious, I’d like to share what I have on this axis of my natal chart.  I could write volumes and volumes regarding this axis because of how heavy it is in my natal chart, so it was really hard for me to not jump all over the place and go on tangents in this post.  : )  There is no way I could be unbiased in my perspective of this axis (2nd only to my Gemini/Sagittarius emphasized axis) so here is what is in my natal chart that is influencing it:

  • Aries Rising
  • 1st house has Eris (conjunct ascendant, rising planet), South Node, Venus, Mars in Aries – and Chiron, Mercury in Taurus
  • 7th house has Pluto (tight conjunct descendant), North Node in Libra – and Uranus in Scorpio.

Like any axis in the zodiac, both signs go out of balance when one or the other is emphasized or ignored instead of reconciling or understanding how they are actually two sides of the same coin.  Aries/Libra —> Self/Others —> Mars/Venus

There is who I am by myself.  There are the others I meet in life.  Who are really the parts of me that I can’t see without interacting with them.  What I do for myself, I am also doing for others.  What I do for others, I am also doing for myself.  When the day comes that I’m able to see that all of these things I see in others are also in me . . . and when the day comes that I can forgive myself for the things I couldn’t see before that day came . . . is when the day has come that fighting to survive ends . . . and the solace of peace in my heart begins.

Mama LionDaddy Lion