This Life I Get To Fight For My Own Happiness

I’ve had many personal readings from many astrologers.  Each reading unique and wonderful in their own way.  Each one giving me a different perspective of how I was seen.  Each one giving light to the many different parts of me that normally go unseen by others.  It felt good.

Some of the astrologers who I’ve had personal readings with are very well known in the astrology community, such as Alan Oken, Philip Sedgwick, and Laura Nalbandian.  I had my chart used as an example during Astrology Night at Soul Foods Café in Redmond by Jeff Jawer & Rick Levine.  Meeting and getting to talk with each of these people in person, were all phenomenal experiences in my life.  So many years of gathered personal experience and understanding of the world from their viewpoint, all getting put to use in order to help me find my place in space and time.

I’ve also had astrologers who were just starting out and learning to see with this new perspective that the world of astrology opens you up to.  The readings were definitely a little more *rough*, but they were not any less valuable to me.  I still felt amazement in hearing each person’s own spin or perspective on life.

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I originally got into astrology because besides being curious by nature, I deeply needed to understand how other people saw the world unique and different from me.  It was ultimately to help me understand myself and my place in the world, but I had no comparison to go off of.  If I only ever view the world from my own perspective, how can I understand how my perspective is different or unique.  How can I understand what it is I have that is of value to offer others?

Funny enough, because I was being a total dork, when first studying astrology, I misread my birth certificate time.  They are military documents, and back when they were still using good ole’ typewriters.  After the time, the form options had both AM and PM.  There were two XXs over PM.  Now even though my mom has told me forever that I was born in the early hours, my brain looked at that and thought FOR SURE it meant that it was selecting PM . . . versus crossing it off as the option.

So for the first year of studying astrology, I studied my chart in complete reverse.  A mirror image.  A Libra rising, with Pluto and Uranus in my 1st house instead of my 7th.  So why did it still make total sense to me?  More sense than my real chart of Aries rising?  Because the way my chart is setup, others frequently project the shadows they don’t want to own onto me.  I identified more with how other’s responded to me, more than I identified with my own self . . . so having my 7th house acting as my 1st house made much more sense to me than the other way around.

I am completely convinced that this was done on purpose, whether by some unseen force or my own subconscious because anyone who works with me knows that I don’t make these kind of mistakes with details.  Not just that, I was unable to *un-think* it for an ENTIRE year.  I kept looking back at my birth certificate and I was unable to see it any other way than the two XXs on the PM mean 2:02 PM.  I even had my own mother start to doubt her own memory of when she had had me, it was that strong.

But then one day, I pulled the birth certificate out to look at it again . . . and saw it as I had seen it before . . . when all at once, I felt something unravel, untwist, un-fog inside of me . . . and I saw clearly for the first time that OMG, I’m such an idiot!  The two XXs were blocking out the PM, because my birth was 2:02 AM . . . so those letters were left uncovered.  My whole world flipped upside down.  My head got woozy and disoriented.

So then I rushed to rerun all of my reports and start all over AGAIN learning about my chart, but now with the correct time.  And *that* is when I started to see myself clearly for the first time in my life.  That’s when I first started to learn that there was a possibility that I wasn’t evil incarnate.  That I didn’t in fact understand myself at all, and neither did anyone else.  That all of the things other people had me believing about myself, actually had nothing to do with me at all.

Astrology profoundly changed my life because it was something that I could look at for myself that was outside of any person’s opinion.  It’s a signature energy imprint for the time and location of when I was born that won’t be repeated for nearly 26,000 years.  This is the window to the workings of something that is bigger than any of us alone.  For the first time I was able to get information about me that wasn’t so tainted by other people’s wounds and selfishness.  I was able to start seeing the me that I remembered from when I was a little girl before the darkness of the world closed in on me.

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I saw why I was so scared to be myself.  With Pluto conjunct my descendant, and Uranus in Scorpio in the 7th house . . . being myself could mean my life.  Others in my life tended to be very powerful and a bit erratic.  In the past if, I didn’t toe the line, they had no problems ripping the rug from under my feet.  It left me feeling powerless.  It left me feeling like I was forced to make myself small and invisible in order to not offend in any way possible.  But with Pluto and Uranus in Scorpio . . . you NEVER know what it is that you’re doing that is being offensive.  It’s some sort of secret code of conduct that only they know the rules to, and they refuse to share what those rules are outside of themselves.  They only let you know that one was violated by a violent outburst that comes out of nowhere and disappears just as quickly and everyone pretends like nothing happened.

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I grew up living literally scared to death.

But all I was really trying to say about all of this, is that I’ve spent a good portion of my life outside of my Self, trying to understand and explain life from everyone else’s viewpoint in order to not unwittingly trigger an outburst.  Scorpio/Pluto doesn’t talk about what’s really going on underneath the surface.  It’s the stuff in us that we never say out loud in the company of others.  It’s stuff that we only share with intimate and close people if anyone at all.  Most often it is stuff we won’t even admit to ourselves.

So I was always trying to understand what it is I wasn’t getting about other people because of their strange responses to me, but they’re all locked up tight like Fort Knox.  In order to understand what is going on with them, I was forced to pull out of myself and immerse myself in their world view.  Trying to be understanding of them and their life and their struggles and how it’s not their fault they’re like that.  And that is how I lose my own personal power, how I lose my Self, how I lose my self confidence, and how I become insecure.

Because anyone who knows the Plutonian world, knows that once Pluto has it’s grubby hands on you . . . he’s not going to let you go.  Ever.  Pluto/Scorpio is already dark to begin with, but going into the shadows of that energy?  Omg, you guys, it’s ink black liquid darkness.  That’s where obsession, possession, and murder come out to play.  It.is.scary.

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That’s at it’s worse, but there’s a whole spectrum to Pluto/Scorpio and it’s not all as intense as death and lust.  One of the just starting out astrologers who had given me a reading, saw my north node in Libra in the 7th house.  She started banging on this drum about how I needed to be more aware of other people outside of myself.  Having *just* shared with you how my life really went down . . . I’m hoping maybe you get something of an understanding of how that struck me.  It seriously hurt my feelings over and over.  She’d even call me out on it in the middle of an astrology class she was giving and indirectly shame me in front of everyone.  And I had trusted her and viewed her as a good friend.  I took it as her being real/truthful with me.

But now, after seeing how that relationship went down in flames when she started showing her true colors, I can totally see how she was projecting her own selfishness onto me.  On the outside she seemed to be the one who cared about all of the people around her . . . but she was only ever thinking of herself.  On the outside I only ever seemed to be thinking about me, but really I was only ever thinking about everyone else.

Which brings me to why I was even writing this blog post.  As I said, I love hearing everyone else’s viewpoint about things.  I loved getting readings with people because I’m fascinated with how they view life differently from everyone else.  Astrology is a great structure or topic in which to talk and discuss the world in an alternative way and has a large community.  And having another astrologer do a reading for me, gives me a single focus point in which to compare how everyone’s view differs.  I am the one constant in all of the readings.  Astrology is such that you can tailor the interpretations to your own unique perspective of life.  So seeing how each person interprets my chart, gives me such a rich flavor and experience of the uniqueness in each individual.  They’re all talking about me . . . but really they are all showing me themselves.

And the readings that I value the most, have nothing to do with how famous the person is or how positive of a light they tried to paint me.  The ones that made me cry and touched my heart the deepest, were the ones who spoke from their own power and in their own voice.  I don’t want to be told what you think I want to hear.  You cannot know what I want to hear.  That only ever leads to manipulation, projection, assumptions, misunderstandings, and incorrect expectations.  It’s useless and pointless, and I lose respect for the person and even myself whenever I do it.  It never feels good in either position and it is ultimately giving yourself and your power away.

But the people who told me from their own personal self how they saw my chart?  Those readings had a huge impact on me.  They moved me.  They meant so much to me.  They were the most valuable and priceless gifts ever given to me.

And one in particular has been coming up over and over today and is really what resulted in this whole post, is one where after taking a few moments to study my chart, the woman looked at me and said something to the affect of, “You are here for yourself.  You are here to understand that you matter, that you count.  That others are not more important than you.  You always stand up for others, always willing to fight for the underdog, always willing to sacrifice yourself . . . but you have trouble understanding that you matter too.  And so you are here to learn to fight for yourself and not let yourself get bullied and forced against your will.”

And somehow . . . I’ve already forgotten that.  I forget it over and over.  I’m not here to see the world from everyone else’s viewpoint.  I’m not here to be understanding of another’s situation.  That’s all I’ve ever done in my life.  I’m here to learn how to speak for myself and in my own voice.  I have a unique and individual perspective to share the same as everyone else, and I’m here to learn how to be solidly in mySelf and share only from that space in me.

I’m tired of my own personal perspective and opinion being “wrong” because it’s misunderstood by someone else who is in a darker place than me.  I’m tired of being the one that puts myself out there over and over trying to understand where the offense and misunderstanding is coming from between me and another person.  Every time, after months and sometimes years of digging and trying to understand where the hurt or misunderstanding came from . . . it’s 100% a misunderstanding of what I was actually doing and saying and how the other person CHOSE to see my actions.  Always!  Always, always!

When I’m centered fully in mySelf, I don’t have a mean bone in my body.  The things I do and say are from a pure expression (Aries).  It is me being ME.  I am tired of being guilty until proven innocent and it being me having to put in all of the work in order to ultimately show that I was innocent.  If someone is offended by something I’ve done or said, then I need to start leaving it to them to make the choice to discuss it and better understand who I am.  If they just want to continue to be upset or offended by it, then they can do it outside of my life.

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Who I am, is not something for me to be ashamed or feel bad or guilty about.  It may go against current accepted social protocol, but sometimes social protocol needs to be brought into question because it’s become corrupt and dark.  It doesn’t automatically mean that I’m the one that is wrong or bad.

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When I’m centered fully in mySelf, all I know is that I am happy.  All I know is that I feel immense love, openness, and joy in my life.  And if that is offensive to others because they can’t see past their own bitterness and darkness, then I’m sorry.  I actually am.  It actually hurts me.  It’s why I get pulled back into the dark over and over, because it literally hurts me to see how true happiness in me, can hurt another human being so much because they have such a lack of it in their life.  It makes me feel so sad and hurt inside for them.

So I want to be this tough girl who doesn’t care about what other people think, but I DO care.  I care immensely, and not just because I care about what they think of ME, but because I care about how they suffer in themselves.  I can feel it.  My Neptune/Moon feels it all.  The heartbreak I feel in so many people in my life just about does me in.  But I can’t do it anymore.  I can’t go back into the dark.  I’m tired and I’ve been fighting this my whole life, and I just don’t have anymore in me to fight for other people’s happiness.

So yes, I care about each and every person who ever crosses my path.  And all I ever want is to be of use, to help lessen your suffering . . . to help you smile again or to help you not give up.

But that is not my fight in this lifetime.  My fight is now for my own happiness.  My fight is in learning how to let go of feeling like an evil douche when I see that someone is feeling hurt, and I can’t stop and try to understand what is wrong and try to make it all better for them.  That I have to let them feel however they need or choose to feel.  That their feelings are not my responsibility.  That they need to learn how to speak for themselves, even while trapped in the dark.

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It’s also a part of incorporating my own shadow of Pluto & Uranus in Scorpio.  I’m going to sometimes appear on the surface to others as a selfish prick by just being me.  And I have to let go of trying to control that and let others think whatever they want about me.  I have to let them do what I’ve learned myself from running into similar situations.  Learn to speak up.  Say something.  Don’t leave it all on the other person.  If you never say anything, or ask, or discuss it with the other person, how will you ever really know what they were thinking or doing without projecting onto them your own reality?

So . . . anyways, that’s what was going on today in my head.  How about you?