The War Outside and The War Within

I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the Aries/Libra axis lately.  Obviously something in me is trying to work itself out.  Trying to finish reconciling.

So let’s take a walk together, shall we?

I have a loaded 1st house (natural house of Aries), and lots of Aries itself.  Along with the ruler of the 1st house and Aries, Mars . . . IN Aries in the 1st house.  Along with my South Node, Venus, Chiron, Mercury, and two not shown here (but that play a big part in my life) are Eris (conjunct my ascendant) and Sedna (conjunct my Chiron).  There’s a lot going on in my house of Self.

Natal First House

Aries.  It is the new spark of life.  It is consciousness.  It is action and movement.  It’s what forces the flowers in spring to push and rise through the dirt to the surface.  It is presence and spirited energy.  Motivation.  Leadership taking you into new territory.  Mars is what our motivation is.  Mine is in Aries and in the 1st house, I’m extraordinarily self-motivated.  I don’t wait around for someone to tell me what needs to be done, I get on top of stuff immediately.

This energy is competitive.  It’s also known as the warrior.  The fighter.  It’s animal instinct for survival.  It is the fight, flight, or freeze response we have.  (My poor, poor adrenal glands.)  It’s will power.  It’s a persevering energy.  You gotta do, what you’ve gotta do.  There’s no point sitting around bitching and moaning about it, get your ass in gear and just DO it.  It’s very personal energy.  It’s very *real* and raw.

Having such a large emphasis of this energy, very much of my life has been focused on survival.  When you’re in survival mode, you don’t have the time or luxury to be laying about and enjoying the good life.  You can’t put your defense down.  You have to focus and be fully present.  You need clarity.  You need a clear head and there’s no time for bullshit or goofing around.

Libra on the other hand, is the sign of the diplomat or politician.  It’s more cultured.  Ruled by Venus, it’s all things beautiful and harmonious.  The designer clothes, the pedicured toes, the waxed eyebrows.  Situations are not life or death.  You have time to talk it over and see both sides and try to be fair about it.  Libra is the balancer.  Regaining equilibrium.  As well as going to extremes.  People that I know that have an emphasis in Libra energy, tend to go to extremes until they learn how to reel that energy in and use it appropriately.

It’s also not very action-oriented.  It doesn’t want to do anything if it doesn’t HAVE to do it.  The shadow of Libra can be seen in those who were raised in a privileged lifestyle and never forced to do something they don’t want to do.  They can become out of touch with the “common” people (those gross Aries peasants).  Because they are not forced into life and death situations, they make up ones.  The ones that you see having a complete meltdown because their parents got them the wrong model of Mercedes for their 16th birthday and *ruined* their life . . . is a Libran shadow.

When you go too far into Libra-hood without tempering it with some Aries clarity and presence-in-the-moment-ness, you can start becoming disconnected or out of touch from real life.  You can get so wrapped up in trying to be “fair” to everyone that nothing ever actually gets done.  You can get caught up in bureaucratic red tape.  The actual individual people are no longer seen.  It becomes about looking good, or being perceived as caring about the individual people . . . when really you have no idea what they’re really going through.  The average modern-day politician is an example of the Libra shadow.

If the spring flower were to suddenly go all Libra shadow on us, it wouldn’t bother to leave it’s seed.  “It’s too harrrrd.  I don’t wanna . . . It’s not fair!  The dirt is all gross and yucky!”  My point being, there is a genuine need for this Aries energy in life, otherwise everything would wither and die.  Nothing new would begin or happen.

If you remember mythology, you also know that Mars/Ares were related to war.  When you’re talking about War and Peace, you are effectively talking about the Aries and Libra axis.  You are talking about the Western World and The Middle East.  Us vs. Them.

So as I’ve been thinking about this Aries/Libra axis, I keep thinking of a project that was done by Lalage Snow, a photojournalist.  He took pictures of British soldiers before, during, and after war.  Here’s one of a million articles done on it, Lalage Snow’s ‘We Are The Not Dead’ shows the face of war.

I was completely fascinated with these photos.  Being an analyst by nature and as a professional, I didn’t bother reading the surrounding text.  I immediately went to each comparison and looked for what each had in common with each other.  I looked to see what story each one told.  I did not expect what I saw.  In fact, what I noticed was so surprising to me that it led to a whole new understanding of the Aries/Libra axis that I’ve been sharing with you.

I’m going to share some of the photos with you, and again these belong to photojournalist Lalage Snow if you want to look him up yourself.  Take a look at them yourself before reading what I personally saw.

Lalage Snow Soldier 2

Lalage Snow Soldier 1

Lalage Snow Soldier 5

Lalage Snow Soldier 4

Lalage Snow Soldier 3

You may need to click on them to see the larger version to really see their faces.  I had already made up my mind what I had for sure seen before I read anyone else’s comments regarding them.  I was surprised to find that there was so much focus on the tragedy of war, and not noticing something that seemed as obvious as the nose on my face.  That in itself was a bit of a reality check for myself.  That maybe what is obvious to me, is not so obvious to others and why maybe it’s not such a bad idea to share my opinion.

Every single photo, the middle picture which was them during war, their spirit is fully present.  They are in the here and now.  They are aware.  They are very conscious and alert.  There is a light in their eyes that is not present in the other photos.  They.are.alive.  They are not shying away from confrontation.  That focused look you see in their eyes, that is the look of Aries.  Shit is real.  The after photos, you can see how each person as an individual, is trying to handle going back to living as a civilian.  Being surrounded by people who didn’t go through what they went through and so they can’t understand what they are experiencing.

When you go through something that intense, and then come back to people whining and complaining about stupid shit that doesn’t really matter in life, it’s hard to continue to stay present in your body.  It’s hard to process your own emotions and feelings because you don’t have anyone who really gets what you went through, so you end up feeling alone and isolated.  Aries.  Self.  The Lone Warrior.  You go from knowing minute by minute what is most important and cutting the rest of the bullshit out, to listening to politicians go on and on about stuff that doesn’t match reality and bombarded with all these commercials trying to convince you that their shit is super important and you need it.

Back in the day when indigenous cultures still held rituals that marked different stages in our lives, there was a whole process and ritual around the returning warriors.  There was story telling.  There was recognition.  There was a period of re-integration back into their community.  They were held with honor and respect for what they had been through.  Our warriors are now kicked to the side and left to pick up the pieces of their lives on their own.  They’re told that there’s nothing wrong with them and to suck it up.  Because people disagree with the politics of what is happening, they take their frustration out on the individual soldiers instead of the ones actually responsible for the war.

Which brings me to the question of why we still have war in this day and age.

The main obstacle that I personally see for why we still have war, is that the ones who make all of the policies and decisions, are all lost in the shadows of Libra-hood.  They have become too disconnected from reality, from the common people.  They no longer understand how their choices and decisions are really affecting those of us on the ground.  They hold the power and the money.  They can make a lot happen with so little effort.  They’re caught up in their own little power plays between each other.  They know how to play “the game” to get their way.

Then you have the people.  Who have all been thrown into survival mode by the really shitty and selfish choices of the powerful who are all playing games with our lives.  I would venture to say that humanity as a whole is in survival mode (Uranus is currently transiting Aries . . . the planet that represents humanity in the sign of survival), except the people in power don’t want anyone panicking . . . so they keep pretending like everything’s okay.  Just like how the soldiers are told that they’re fine and to suck it up, the general populace is really feeling the pain . . . but they’re being told they’re fine.

That leads to repression of that Aries fire.  That fight.  That energy that causes something new to rise up and come into being.  The Western World’s Aries fight energy has been repressed.  Nature must have balance.  So what we’re seeing, is The Middle East acting out the Aries energy that we’re repressing.  The Western World is seeing their shadow be played out in the Middle East.

The micro and the macro.  The individual represses their animalistic tendencies, and their partner ends up acting them out.  The country represses their animalistic tendencies, another country will be forced to act them out.

However.  Having said that . . . the Aries shadow is in it’s impulsiveness and unawareness of others.  I’m sure most of you have seen what we call in the US, rednecks, getting ready to just grab their guns and go shoot up the enemy.  There’s an incredible amount of ignorance going on in the Aries spectrum.  You shoot first, ask questions later.  You can’t have that kind of person making decisions for the country.  They’re only aware of their way and screw anyone who is different from them.  They do not care what your side of the story is.  This is how this is and that’s just how it’s going to be.

So there is obviously a gap here.  We have the rich and powerful living way too distant from real life, and we have the poor and trying to survive folks who aren’t really interested in the greater good . . . just “getting theirs”.  There needs to be something to bridge the gap.

Which brings me back to the changes I’m going through right now.  I have that emphasis in 1st house, Aries, & Mars.  I’m most definitely one of the “peasants”.  But I’ve been doing a LOT of observing and learning and understanding of the world and it’s ways and why things are like they are during my life.  And now there’s a new emphasis suddenly in my astrology in regards to all of that Libra energy on my ascendant (solar return, lunar nodal return).

I can feel it working hard inside of me trying to bridge that very gap.  I swear I can almost see it, almost make sense of it all.  That blended energy of Aries clarity with Libra temperance.  An awareness of reality, along with needing to be aware of how different decisions affect people of many different lifestyles and cultures.  I feel the information I’ve collected throughout my life starting to form and take shape.  And it’s strongly related to this energy axis.

But I don’t need to figure it out for the whole world.  I only need to figure it out for myself and live from there.  And then let everything else take care of itself.

Getting All Growed Up

For the most part, my life has stayed relatively the same for several years.  Same job, same apartment, same day-to-day routine more or less.

I’ve had big stuff happen such as my son being hospitalized, getting engaged, the breakup with the fiancé, my girl kitty dying . . .  but nothing actually fundamentally changed.  Ok, maybe inner growth blah blah blah, but it doesn’t *feel* like change to me when my daily routine is basically undisturbed.

But I have some big changes happening astrologically which have been rumbling and shaking the ground from under my feet.  One, I only know about thanks to Aries Introvert, who pointed out that I have a lunar nodal return coming up in July.  That happens once every 18.6 years . . . that’s a HUGE deal.  Learning that helped make sense of an underlying tension I’ve been feeling start to come on recently.  My Solar Return alone couldn’t account for the bigness of what I’m feeling happen.  I also recently, at the beginning of the year, had transiting Uranus cross my ascendant . . . but that’s just become par for the course for me.

However, what is super interesting to me, is just how similar my Solar Return and Lunar Nodal Return are, emphasizing everything.  Okay, I wasn’t planning on it, but I truly feel visuals help so I’m going to go grab those charts and brb.

. . .

Okay so here are the charts for easy reference (using the Koch house system).  My natal, my Solar Return, and Lunar Nodal Return.

Natal NN Reference

Natal

2014 Solar Return

2014 Solar Return

2014 Lunar Nodal Return

2014 Lunar Nodal Return

Okay, so take special notice of my natal lunar north node which is circled at 23 degrees Libra.  Look at my rising sign for my 2014 Solar Return.  23 degrees Libra.  My rising sign for my lunar nodal return?  Libra.  Conjunct what?  The 23 degree Libra north node.

Btw, a solar return is a snapshot of the heavens in the current year on the moment that the sun returns to the exact same degree as your birth.  It gives you an idea of what you’ll be working on for the year.  A lunar nodal return is under a similar premise, it’s when the transiting nodes return to the same exact place they were when you were born and gives you an understanding of a bigger cycle in your life that lasts approximately 18.6 years.

There are two things in particular that have been at the foremost of my awareness today that I can totally see how it fits here.  1) Uranus in Aries in the 6th house for both returns 2) Libra rising/Aries descendant in both returns.

The Uranus (sudden change) in Aries (new) in the 6th house (day-to-day work) is pretty apparent in my life.  I *suddenly* found out that my job of 5 1/2 years was most likely ending at the end of June . . . and before I had too much time to panic, I *suddenly* had a new job.

But what’s maybe not so apparent, is that *suddenly* I can’t seem to keep astrology out of my blogs.  Astrology is ruled by Uranus.  Aries relates to the individual self.  6th house is also known as the house of healing & service.  My blog is more or less a part of my daily life.  I suppose it could technically count as a service, but I suppose that depends on whether it actually helps anyone or not, but at minimum it’s a tool I use along with astrology in helping to heal myself as an individual.  So perhaps with that in my Lunar nodal return, this will start becoming a bigger part of my life going forward.  Who knows?  Aries is *new* and Uranus is innovative . . . so it may even be stuff I haven’t thought up yet.

Point being, my work life going forward is going to be anything but dull.

Now to the Libra/Aries bit.  In my natal I’m an Aries rising and I have a mountain of 1st house emphasis including an Aries Mars & Venus.  With all this Libra switch-a-roo going on in my return charts, I’m experiencing the Aries & Libra energy in a new way, and I have to say I’m pleasantly surprised with the understanding I’m gaining.

The biggest thing is that I’m feeling this switch in me of approaching life from a view of survival, into one of more purposeful choices.  For example, the lease on my apartment is going to end in a month or two and I’m considering looking for a new apartment that is closer to town.  In the past, this meant finding the least expensive apartment I could find that had the bare minimum for me to survive off of.  It wasn’t so much about what I wanted, as it was about I was going to learn how to like whatever I could find.

But this time I’m like, “Hey, let’s not be so hasty.  Let’s see what cool things are available that maybe aren’t necessities, but would perhaps enrich my life some more.”  Aries –> Libra.

Or even about my job.  I had more of a feeling of not wanting to just take the first thing available just to make sure I had work, so much as I was starting to think about my career choice as something that I get to have a say in what I do.  Now, I *did* take the first job I walked into (that damn Aries in the 6th house) however it’s because it was something new and was exactly what I *was* looking for.

I still plan on continuing my mission of understanding my skills/talents and taking more of a purposeful & calm approach to the decisions I make in my life.  I don’t need to rush it anymore.  I don’t need to go into “scared rabbit mode” when these big changes happen in my life.  I can take more time to bounce around ideas about what I really want in life to make my life better, instead of strictly surviving.  Again, that’s the difference between the Aries/Libra axis.

The biggest surprise I think for me so far, is that I am starting to understand the whole concept of ‘long-term goals’.  From an Aries rising standpoint, you’re just trying to fucking survive.  *That’s* your long term goal.  Why plan ten years down the road when you don’t even know if you’re going to be alive then?  It’s like one thing at a time please!  🙂

But when you have the luxury of leisure (Libra), then it’s like what’s the rush?  Let’s think about this.  Let’s see what’s possible before we rush into anything.

And that’s a completely new thing for me.  It’s quite a transition in fact.  The whole concept of my whole existence not being based solely off of trying to keep from dying.

Aries is raw material and Libra is the refined material.

So that got me thinking about how now the descendant is showing as Aries.  I’m going to have more people who are in the survival mode coming into my life.  Now, I still have a natal Aries rising, so that still rattles my memories of living in perpetual fight or flight.  But I also have Mars and Venus in Aries.  Libra is ruled by Venus.  So all this new Libra emphasis, still points to my Venus (and Mars since they are both on the exact same 26th degree) . . . but it’s a softer and more refined Venus/Mars that I’m feeling.

I look back on my life and it’s been one big mess of ‘please god, just let me live through this’.  But something else I’m noticing . . . I also used all of those really tough times in my life as opportunities to try something new (Aries).  I challenged myself to not use misfortune in my life as an excuse for failure.  So with an abundance of will power (Aries), I not only got through those endless insane moments in my life, but I learned how to transcend them.  I just knew in my heart, that there was a way to still live in joy even while total insanity was breaking out around me.  A new way of being.

 Now I look at these returns and even at what’s happening right now in my day-to-day life and it’s kind of starting to dawn on me what exactly is happening at this time in my life.  I’m switching roles completely.  I *am* seeing the people around me struggling more and more as shit starts to hit the fan for the general public.  I recognize the eyes in the headlight look that I used to always have.  But that’s no longer me.

Not because stuff stopped happening to me, hell no!  In fact, if anything, it’s been ratcheted up to unbelievable levels.  But when I remember and start putting into practice all of the things I learned in all of my years of struggle and survival, I transform (pluto) into a place of peace and calm (libra) within myself and I’m able to effortlessly navigate ‘the slings and arrows of misfortune’.  I begin to encompass my natal 7th house into myself (which includes my Libra north node) along with my 1st house of Aries Self . . . and reconcile the paradox of duality on that axis (Gemini).

In short, I become the living example or model of the accumulation of all that I’ve learned and have overcome.  And by simply living it, being it, being myself- I am giving that knowledge and information to everyone I come into contact with, even when I don’t speak a word.  I don’t need to preach or lecture. (Although I’m never going to give up talking.)  I simply live it with all my heart.

Living my life out loud, is the value I add to the world.  My life does matter.  I do count.

I truly believe that every person does count.  But I think too often we look for traditional markers of success such as a fancy title or having a lot of money or even at times trying to prove our worth with over-kindness and charity work.

What if the best gift we could offer the world, was ourselves whole-heartedly?  I think the worst that could be said of someone doing that is:

mad fire

Here Comes Trouble

I had another interesting dream last night (awww Mercury in Pisces, I love you).

Within the dream, I watched as a group started to pack up a mobile museum into the back of a large pickup truck.  I don’t know whether it was the mascot or what, but there was a live horse that was a part of this group.  They had packed him into the back of the truck first . . . like he was one of the inanimate objects of the museum.

He was laying on his left side.  His legs folded up and against the side of the truck closest to me.  He had straps going across to secure him and keep him from moving around too much during the trip.  They were going to pack the rest of the things in around him.  Someone was giving him a food dish, and said that he’d also need water so he didn’t die.

During all of this, my dream became more lucid.  I didn’t understand what was going on, so I was just observing.  But something was pulling on my feelings about it.

I never stopped looking at the horse . . . he was an off white color.  I very slowly continued to approach the vehicle as I tried to understand what was bothering me.

He just laid there.  He had just let them arrange him however he needed to be without fight or struggle.

This wasn’t setting well with me.  But based on the situation and how everything appeared . . . how everyone acted . . . there was nothing wrong.  Everything was exactly right and proper.

But I had a distant memory nagging at me . . . “but where is his spirit?

I had this distant knowing or memory of horses not being like this.  That at one time horses were symbolic of being wild and running free.

Why was it going against what this reality was showing me?  Why did I keep getting glimmers of  a feeling like I wanted to cry?  Why did something not feel right about this?

I looked into the horse’s eye.  I felt a connection with the horse.  It pulled on something deep within me that I had forgotten.  The feeling of wanting to cry kept coming and going from me like breathing.

The deeper I went into the connection between me and the horse, the stronger the need to cry became.  The more a forgotten memory started to come back to me.  The more I started to become aware of something so incredibly painful inside of me that I had purposely forgotten in order to get relief from it.

But it was also something I desperately missed.  Within that pain was something that I missed with all of my heart.

His will . . . his will was broken.

My will . . . my own will was broken when I was younger.

When trying to domesticate a horse . . . they must be “broken”.  To break an animal or a person is to break their own personal will in order to do the will of another.

There’s refining someone’s will in order to fit into society and get along with others.  That’s the whole Aries –> Libra axis.  When we’re first born, we have raw personal will.  As we grow older, we learn how to refine it into something more polished and hopefully more beautiful . . . but the person should still retain something of themselves in that process.

They should still have their own personal will.  This is the energy or thing that motivates us.  It’s how we know what we want.  It’s how we go after or approach challenges.  Do we go after what we want . . . or do we let the forces around us decide for us what we’re going to do or not do?

The wilder something is . . . the harder it is to break.  There are some things that aren’t meant to be tamed or domesticated.  Being wild and free . . . is who they are.  To see them broken . . . like the horse I saw in the back of the truck . . . is almost too much for my heart to handle.

There are those who are so controlling and filled with ego, that they will go to any length to break a wild thing’s will.  To show dominance.  To have a trophy.  To feel good about themselves because they are so lacking in confidence and will themselves.

Sometimes they think it’s for the wild thing’s own good, either they break it or the world will do it.  It’s perceived as an act of love.

Let me break you . . . so that you won’t have to suffer the pain of the world breaking you.

What a tangled web human’s weave.

In my chart . . . I’m about as wild and untamed as they get.

I had such willfulness when I was younger.  To the point that I had no concept of asking for permission to do anything.  If I was playing with some toys in the house and suddenly had an image of the park flash into my mind . . . then I’d simply stand up and walk out the house and go to the park.

I can’t imagine how many heart attacks I gave my parents.  I knew what I knew, and I knew what I wanted.  What they wanted did not register into my awareness at all.  It didn’t even make sense to me.  What did my wants and needs have to do with them?

My dad is from the Appalachian mountains.  You don’t get away with shit when you’re from the Appalachian mountains.  You either do as you’re told by your parents, or your ass is grass.

My ass was frequently grass.

This comes from having to survive in very harsh conditions in the mountains.  My dad’s family is from Irish heritage.  The Irish weren’t really wanted over here.  So they were forced into the areas that nobody else was able to survive, and forced to find a way to survive.  And they did.

I come from strong stock.

But it also forced the families into living in constant survival mode.  This means everything is a life or death circumstance.  This means, when your parents tell you to go do something, you don’t sit there and whine and break down that you’re scared.  It means you suck it up and get your ass out there, or everyone may die.

So then the getting your ass whipped every time you disobey becomes understandable.  It’s to keep you from dying.  It *is* being done from a place of love.  The thing is, after a few generations . . . you no longer remember why it was done, only that it is.

So even though I didn’t grow up in those circumstances, I was raised as if I was.  But obviously, something needs to change.  This means that eventually in one of the generations, someone is going to be treated that way as a child . . . but they’re going to have to find the strength and will to overcome it and NOT break the will of their own children.

And that someone would need to have an enormous amount of will.

So . . . ta-da.

As my favorite shirt said when I was growing up, “Here comes trouble”.

All I know, is that my dad must’ve REALLY loved me.  Because that man did not back off or give up in trying to get me to understand the rules.  I would’ve been exhausted trying to raise me.

My mom’s family is more from a refined societal background.  I supposed considered more “civilized”.  But the dark side to Libra, or the sign of refined manners and all things beautiful and harmonious, is in becoming so passive that you basically check out of doing anything for yourself.

So my dad did severe disciplining, and my mom stood back and did nothing and just kind of checked out and became a victim.  Libra can also be kind of judgey.  Sit and judge the “animalstic” behavior of others, while not seeing their own part in what is playing out and not doing anything about it for themselves.

My dad always looked like the bad guy.  My mom always looked like a victim.  But if one had the ability to look at the energetic dynamics playing underneath the surface of what was being shown . . . and I did and I do . . . then you can see that my mom was equally at fault.

But our society is only interested in making judgments based on what can be seen and proven, and so until we get past such juvenile thinking . . . we will continue to have aggressors and victims and cannot progress past wars and people going hungry.

So I’m not interested in hearing that I was severely abused.  Maybe I was.  Maybe I wasn’t.  It doesn’t matter.  All I’m interested in, is stopping the bullshit from continuing past my generation.

However, I do need to recognize what happened when I was younger so that I can put myself back together and be an agent of true change in the world.

My will was broken when I was younger.  It was so severe, that I literally broke my lower back when I was around 6 or 7.

I was in Germany and sledding by myself.  The snow was so slick from all the people sledding earlier in the day, that my sled went way too fast.  In short I ended up face down in the middle of the road, paralyzed from the waist down.  And down the hill to my right was a big ass car coming, and they weren’t going to be able to see me in time.

So I closed my eyes and pulled on everything within me, and I willed myself to move.  I didn’t want to die SO BAD . . . that I literally willed my paralyzed self to move enough to get to the sidewalk.  I got out of the way in time, and the car stopped anyways to ask if I was okay.  I said I was fine.

I spent the next hours in excruciating pain crawling an inch at a time to get back to my building and up the stairs.  The whole time I was willing myself better.  By the time I got to my mom, who was thankfully at a neighbors on the first floor instead of our fourth floor, all I could manage to get out of my mouth was that I had a stomach ache.  I said I wanted to throw up.

So she gave me Pepto-Bismol and had me lay down.  That was the last I thought about my lower back, until years later as an adult, when I got a 360 degree x-ray at a chiropractor’s office and the guy’s eyes about fell out of his head.  He wanted to know when I had broken my back.  I looked, and yes . . . it was scary looking . . . but mostly because it wasn’t until then that I had understood fully what I had done all those years ago.

It had snapped, twisted a little and fused itself back together, causing a slight curve in my spine.

So will.  I haz it.  Or I did.

After that day . . . my will became less and less.  Because I was young I had a lot of energy still . . . but never quite the willfulness I had before.  I quit fighting things so much.  I quit wanting things my way.

I had been broken.  Literally.

I do believe that things happen how they’re meant to.  I needed to know life without my willfulness so that I did understand the Libra side of things.  And the only way that was going to happen, is if it was severe enough.

Once I had done what I needed to in that broken state . . . it was time for me to heal that break in me and come back to myself.

So while staring into the eyes of the horse . . . I began to remember a previous existence from when I was a younger girl.

A time when I had such spirit and a strong will to live.  A time when my spirit ran free and I believed I could do anything.

A time when I wasn’t afraid of being myself around others.

I’m returning to that part of me, but there’s a difference between now and then.

Back then, I didn’t know what it was that I had that the other’s around me lacked.  I didn’t know what set me apart from anyone else.  I didn’t know what to call the energy and joy and spunk that naturally came out of me.

But now I can see that it was will.  It was confidence.  It was an open-heartedness to life.  It was love.  It was joy and hope.  It was the essence of life itself.  A flame of life that lives within me.

After having gone without it for so long, I now know the value of what I hold inside of me.  I know how rare and precious it is in the current world, and it’s up to me to protect and guard it . . . to never let it go out in me again.

I am and have something of value.

When I’m respected and valued by others, I am more than happy to share all I have with others.

But try to take it from me by force, or keep it for your own, or treat me like I’m not worth your time . . .

Then Here Comes Trouble.

zebra kick to the face