I Will Always Be Okay

I haven’t been myself for awhile now.  I find myself and break surface, treading water, gulping in fresh air.  Then promptly get yanked back under.  A lifetime struggle of trying to swim towards the surface sparkling with warm sunshine, while wrestling with ten ton weights on my feet.

Always I find that the weight weighing me down are lies . . . smokescreens . . . illusions that I’ve convinced myself are true.  And also always, I find that I believe them because for whatever reason, I have been unable to accept the Truth.

I have found for myself that healing . . . true healing . . . is a tricky beast.  On the verge of finding great joy and peace, I have literal nightmares during the night where I find myself face to face with my worst fears.

But when I’ve had enough . . . when I’m done being afraid . . . truly, truly done . . . worn down and exhausted from the fight . . . something other than fear rises up in me.

I stop running from it.  I stop rejecting it.  I stop trying to change or control it.  I instead accept it . . . embrace it . . . I allow it to be a possible truth or reality in my world and I allow myself to be okay in the same space.  It being true, does not have to mean that I cannot find peace and happiness.  Both can coexist in the same world.

Because the Truth is, I will always be okay.  In the end, I will always be okay.

In My Search For Peace

I’ve been sitting at my new dining table, working on a puzzle.  I should be going to bed.  As I’ve been piecing together the Geishas in my puzzle, I’ve been thinking, wondering about my life.

The dance poses of Geisha have always stirred something in my soul.  Even as I sit still and silent and stare at the artistic images of them in the quiet of my home, I can feel my soul mimicking and moving in a slow and understated grace.  My soul understands something about them that I do not.  It remembers something that I do not.

I feel for them what an adult might feel for their childhood, if it was a happy one.  An ache in the heart for something that can’t be brought back.  Homesickness for a lost home.

Just me and ghosts of geishas conversing in silence.

I was wondering with them why it’s been so long since I’ve felt truly inspired in my writing.  Why I’ve stopped feeling any satisfaction from it.

It feels like I write to a black void.

I share because it is my nature to.  Even if I was the last human on Earth, I would feel compelled to communicate and share.

I’m not entirely sure how much different it would feel to me if I was the last human on Earth.  As it is, I’ve long since resorted to communing with the trees . . . the wind . . . clouds . . . animals . . . even bugs (if only to respectfully ask them to respect my space and leave . . . which they do).

I know people have tried to hear and understand me.  I don’t mean to dismiss or invalidate others in my life.  They are doing their best, I know.  I love them.

But I’ve felt more seen, and known, and loved by clouds that were passing by, than I have by another human.  The trees have time for me and listen with open hearts.  They are not defensive or caught up in looking good or being right.

The wind is honest in it’s expression.  It has no reason to cover up or hide.

I’m not saying that people don’t care for me, I know that’s not true, they care for me in the only way they know how.  But in comparison with what it’s like to commune with nature, humans are so disconnected from themselves.  How could I possibly expect humans to see me when they aren’t even aware that they can’t see themselves.

They are wrapped in hurt, pain, conditioning and they try to label it as “being themselves” . . . but it is not who they really are.

People seemed to have lost the ability to discern when someone is speaking from the heart and when someone is merely mimicking someone who is speaking from the heart.  They all get thrown into the same cauldron and treated the same.  It’s a shame.

I don’t feel like there is anything I could share of myself that would make any difference in the world or even be heard above all of the noise.

I know I have great value, but I do not feel valuable to this world.

I also know that greater peace comes to me when I am able to accept people and the world just as it is, and stop thinking that I have any role to play in helping others find their way.  People will find their own way without my help, just as they have from the dawn of time.

I am content enough in my connection to life.  Who knows, maybe even more happy than the happiest humans pretend to be.

flower power

The Song Whisperer

I’ve been listening to Jay’s latest song, There’s a Storm Rolling In, over and over. It’s not completely my fault. I was minding my own business this morning and trying to get some long overdue cleaning and organizing done in the house, and next thing I know. . . I’m humming . . “There’s a Storm Rolling In. . . ” That in itself is not a big deal. I often have songs pop into my head for no reason. . . constantly in fact. I’m like some sort of organic iPod random shuffle. But there is a different quality or feeling in this instance.

And this isn’t the first time that one of Jay’s songs have gone all weird on me in the last week.

End of last week, I was at work and owning an Excel Spreadsheet like a boss, when out of *nowhere*, and in a Very Dramatic way. . .the beginning part of a song that Jay wrote over a year ago came barreling into my head. (You can hear it here, A New Wind Blowing) It was loud, intrusive, and definitely came from outside of me . . . meaning, it wasn’t just my thoughts picking up or thinking about the song. . . it was just there of its own accord. Like in a, “Hello!!! My name is Tom and I just moved into the neighborhood, and thought I’d stop and say hi!” kind of way.

I think I may have even jumped from being startled.

I’m used to really weird shit happening, but this was a new one even for me.

The song seemed to have its own distinct personality. It was hyper, excited, and wanted to “be a part of this”. At which point, I saw/heard the song Jay had just published about the storm. . . and at a certain point in *that* song I saw the one that had just crashed the party in my head. . . start to do an overlay of itself over (or through? weaved?) the other song. “I want to be a part of this.”

Lucky for the song “A New Wind Blowing”, Jay happened to be online. . . and I was immediately writing him.

“Ummm. Baby? You’re not going to believe this but, a song of yours has a message it wants me to give you. . . ”

And lucky for *me*. . . Jay is hardly ever surprised by what comes out of my mouth, and is easily able to roll with it. (Thank fucking god I found him. Damn I’m a lucky girl).

He called me a “Song Whisperer”.

Anyways, so back to today’s little treasure. The song came into my mind in a similar fashion, but less intrusive/hyper, and more subdued/gentle. Again, it felt like it came from outside of me and it had its own distinct personality. But this one wasn’t wanting to give a message to Jay, it had something it wanted to share with me.

So I gave in (hey, why not?), and got my phone and started playing it while I continued with my chores. But I had to make myself stop and really be present with the song. Spirit and Soul don’t speak if you aren’t paying attention.

It was then, that I was able to feel something stir and awaken in me. It felt a little melancholic. But deeper and fuller than that. It was swirling and expanding something in my root chakra, that gave it a timeless feeling. Something delicate and beautiful. . . faint and soft, was floating up from there. It felt like *meaning* and *purpose*. . . *fate* . . . *destiny*. . .

. . .*larger than life*. . .

. . . a feeling I faintly recall from childhood that’s been starting to find its way back into my vocabulary the last few days. A feeling of caring again. A feeling of wanting to join life again. A feeling that doesn’t have words yet. . . the closest I can use for translation from feeling to English is “swelling heart loving beauty for all of Life”. A feeling of being filled with care, nurturing, love, acceptance, kindness. It feels like something ancient. Something True.

Maybe something along the lines, of what a person would feel when they know they are taking their last breath. . .

Except. . . add to that, a person just about to start a brand new life. . . and it’s everything they’ve ever wanted.

They’re standing on that threshold

. . . on one side, they are saying goodbye to all they’ve ever known. . . and the love and appreciation for all the things they got to experience . . . and all the others who shared in that experience with them. A feeling of love and gratitude.

. . . on the other side, they are starting to see the sun’s rays fall on the new life that’s the result of so much hard work and sacrifice. A place of peace and love. Laughing and Love. Family and friends. . . as far as the eye can see. . . welcoming you with open arms. Singing a song of love and warmth. . . forgiveness. . . acceptance. . . for all of who you are. And in return loving all of them for all of who they are.

Perhaps. . . that’s why the sunny, shiny, new beginnings song “A New Wind Blowing” wanted to be a part of “There’s a Storm Rolling In.” They’re inevitably a part of each other. . . always. The New comes barreling across the threshold, and takes ahold of the Old’s hand. . . and threads both into the New, to forever continue the Story of Life.