The Fire Within

Some days when I look out at the world around me, I see everyone as someone that I have to protect myself against.  On those days, my long time companion of anxiety is along for the ride.  It’s hard to breathe.  It’s cold, lonely, and exhausting.  It’s harder for me to remember a time when life was good.  Small things start to feel like huge catastrophes.

On those days I feel like a big screw up in life.  I wonder what the point of me is.  I wonder why people tolerate me.  I feel invisible to the world.  I don’t feel like I matter, and I don’t feel like I am making any difference by being here.  I feel like I should be apologizing to each person I come in contact with, for not being more.  Not from a place of self pity, but from a lack of seeing it any other way.  On those days, that is just what is for me.

On those days I am usually quiet and pulled inward.  Contemplative.  I don’t want to make contact or communicate with another human.  I have a need to be quiet.  Re-charging.

On those days I make it okay to not be social.  I make it okay for others to misunderstand my actions.  I make it okay to not have to be immediately responsive.

Because I need to be still.  So still.  And quiet.  So quiet.

I have to let everything that’s been up and flailing it’s arms inside of me, to tire out and settle down.  Sometimes it can take awhile and the only thing that works, is for the *main* me to be so incredibly still . . . and . . . quiet.

Just like a rowdy classroom where the teacher is able to silence the entire room simply by standing there in a strong and silent presence.  A silence so powerful and strong that it cuts through the noise like a knife.

It reconnects the little girl me, who sometimes gets herself worked up into a froth, back to the big girl me who knows what is needed and what is best.

There are the days when the storm is quelled within.  Where I let go of the darkness that I wrap around me like a security blanket, where a completely different world is found on the other side, begging to be explored.

On these days, I must be expressive.  I can’t be quiet and I can’t be still.  I feel bigger and expanded.  Something in me swings open the shutters to let the warm summer breeze through to play.  From my core a silent song pulsing outward commands me to sing and be in movement.  Forcing me into a state of perpetually falling in love, warming and coloring the world around me.

I feel I have so much in me to give that my greatest desire becomes sharing all that I have freely with all.  I want to sing everything I say.  I want to dance in twirls and swirls on tiptoes as I sing out my heart.

It’s such a force of nature, it causes incredible physical pain to restrain it in any way.  It must be expressed.  It must be allowed entry into this world.

But I’ve always been such a serious little thing.  You would never catch me doing anything to bring attention to myself.  Wanting to join in on the reindeer games, but not knowing how to do it in the way that I feel flowing through me.  What comes out of me doesn’t look anything like what I see around me, so I know it will attract attention that I don’t want.  It makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong.

My differences from others has scared me so much that I’ve used all of my will power to keep this part of me still and silent under the surface.  Making me appear serious.  Making me known for being serious, intense, and stubborn.  I’m far from serious.  I’m just trying to keep any of my uniqueness from showing.  I have always been in the state of mind that others are dependent on me, so that means I can’t take any chances or risks that might endanger my ability to provide for them.

I’ve paid the price of not allowing that energy to have an outlet for expression, with my health.  I’ve lived with severe anxiety since I was 14.  Deep soul crushing depression from my teens through my 20s.  I know what true insanity feels like.  Not the kind people joke about when they’re being a little strange or are under temporary stress.

My life was a continual living hell.  I soldiered through.  I didn’t complain.  I didn’t reach out for help.  I put on a brave face.  I felt like I was dying every single day.  That was all I had ever known.

I continued this way until my late twenties, when something in me broke furreals.  I went down into the darkest depths of hell a person can imagine, and swam around in those waters for years waiting for someone to show me the way.  Nobody ever showed up.  Things continued to break in me, each one deeper than the one before.  Down into depths I previously didn’t know existed.

Down and down I went into the rabbit hole.

Until everything I thought was real and everything I thought was me was ripped away and I was left alone at the very bottom of a deep dark well staring up into pitch black darkness.

More time passed.  Afraid.

Until I reached a point where I had nothing left to lose, and like a feather floating down to Earth the final wrapping I used to tie myself small, fell away.

I lifted myself back up from the ground.  I closed my eyes . . . took a deep breath, and for the first time in a long time I could hear my internal soul song.

Having gone far beyond fear and terror, I extended my arms and the dance of Life that I had squelched tight in fear for so long, once again found it’s way into the World.  With it came a love so deep and profound, anything petty and unimportant was instantly burned away. . . anything that wasn’t real and true went up in flame.

Once the fire purified the path, then . . . then the Joy began to pour through.  Pure Ecstatic Joy that flowed through every vein of my body like warmed golden honey.  Everything in me opened up and became Radiated Light.  The world around me transformed into the Golden World and sparkled with Divinity’s Love and Consciousness.

Tired of fighting against it, I finally surrendered to all of who I was.

If I only had one message to give from all of this, it would be this.  Nothing is worth the hidden price you pay for denying your True Self entrance into the world.  Nothing.

The Fire Within

 

A Life Worth Living

Feeling love within myself is my number one priority in life because when I am in love, everything else falls magically into place.

I am naturally in a feeling of love when I am just being myself. Being true to me.

My biggest challenge in life has been to learn how to just be myself when I’m around others. I am so sensitive and empathic, that anytime I am around another human being, I feel the things they are feeling as if they are my own. There is almost zero distinction between what I feel from others and my own feelings.

The others in my life tend to be strong personalities. Just their presence seems to erase my own feelings and identity. I imagine it must be what a hard drive feels like when a strong magnet comes too close to it. It is a feeling of “losing” myself. It is a form of dying over and over again. It puts me into instinctive fight or flight or freeze because the *I* in me feels this erasing of identity as a threat to my existence.

The only way I knew how to protect myself was to cut myself and my heart off from others. I had to isolate myself for years just to understand who I even was separate from other people. What are MY feelings? What are MY thoughts? Who am I outside of social conditioning and the dysfunction that I grew up with?

I challenged myself several years ago to learn how to stay open hearted and be myself even while around other strong personalities. It feels a bit like trying to stay strong against a series of hellish tsunamis coming straight for you. I felt very ill prepared for it, but the only way I knew I was going to master this was by constantly testing myself by interacting with others on a regular basis. Which means no hiding out in isolation. (Sweet, sweet isolation.)

I’ve had to completely relearn how to live. Start back at square one. In each moment, in each now, I’ve had to check in with myself and consciously choose another way. I’ve had to learn how to catch myself before I move into fight or flight and pause that moment. Talk to myself. Open up and breathe. Relax. Put things back into perspective.

If I couldn’t move myself out of animal instinct mind (aka deer caught in headlights) enough to feel my own feelings, then I trained myself to at least go off of memory of my feelings and how I would most likely respond if I had been able to access them. Fake it until you make it. At least when I do that, I avert an even bigger disaster that I’d have to clean up and fix later. The less disasters I have to go back and clean up, the more time I have to just enjoy life.

The more I have practiced this, the more I have realized that I am simply learning how to stay consciously present with myself. To quit abandoning myself during my time of need. Just like a wounded animal, I didn’t know who was just hurting me more or who was trying to help me, because both are painful to me. I’ve been looking to understand who I can trust to help me because I really hurt, but I can’t show that hurt because in the wild, the weak and vulnerable are taken down by predators.

I cannot know other’s true intents. Too frequently people do not even know themselves. I have rarely run into anyone who does. Which tells me, at least from my perspective and understanding, that nobody really knows what they are doing or what is going on. The worst thing I could do for myself is to make them an authority over me and my life.

This opened up my world to the understanding that I get to work this out for myself. Throw out what I’ve been raised to believe, what I’m told to believe, popular belief, and assumptions. A clean slate. Operation: Just because others tell me this is how it is, doesn’t mean it’s true and it doesn’t mean that I have to continue living in that way.

My goal has been to keep reminding myself of me after every interaction with another human being. Round and round in my head I start repeating, “What are my feelings? What do I personally feel about this?” If I found that what I felt was contrary to something I agreed to do, then I pushed myself to find a way to correct that immediately. Don’t avoid the person or the situation, go back and face it and correct it. Learn what it feels like to stand strong in myself.

I have to stay so vigilant and aware. I have to be so brutally honest with myself and others. I have had to embarrass and humiliate myself I don’t know how many times in my efforts to learn how to try and do something different in the now. It’s like trying to do comedy skits on live TV. When you do something that doesn’t work or you flat out screw up, everyone sees it. There’s nowhere to run and hide. And no matter how embarrassed I am, I must keep showing up for life. I must keep making things right for myself.

All of this hard work is starting to pay off.

I am depended on. I am looked to for assistance, comfort, and guidance. I have many reasons I have to get out of bed everyday. Those things become a source of stress and sorrow and anxiety about being able to continue handling all of those things when I’m living in survival mode.

But when I’m living from this new space of being present with myself and open to life in a very conscious and purposeful way, those same responsibilities become a source of extreme happiness and satisfaction.

My self confidence goes up because I trust more and more that I can handle whatever comes my way. I become less afraid of how others are going to respond or even what they are thinking, because I only need to be clear with what I feel and what I need and a willingness to speak my feelings and my needs. I’ll let others speak for their own feelings and needs. In fact, I insist on it. I want others to feel self-empowered and like it’s okay to be whoever they are when they’re around me.

I need to be a part of other’s lives and I need others in my life. It gives my life meaning. When I’m isolated, cut-off, and trying to avoid people and life in order to not get thrown all over the place emotionally . . . my existence seems trivial. I don’t understand what the meaning or point of life is. It becomes a life centered on sheer survival.

But a life of open-heartedness and healthy relationships with others from all walks of life . . . if I were to disappear tomorrow, people would notice. Do you know how good that feels? I may not like attention, but just knowing that my presence would be missed if I were suddenly to be gone . . . that *means* something to me. It means that I did something right. It means I had some sort of impact on my environment and that things are different in the world because I existed.

If I were to live my life all scared and hiding away focused solely on trying to protect myself from the great big world, then nobody would even remember that I even existed, and that feels incredibly lonely and sad to me. I don’t want to be the center of attention, but I do want to live my life in such a way that the absence of my presence would be noticed.

So I’ll put in all of the hard work of changing myself, and power through my fears, and suffer through the awkwardness and humiliation, because it’s worth it. It makes life worth living.

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Waking From My Own Nightmare

This post I’m doing strictly for me.  It’s something I need.  This isn’t easy for me.

I am seeing a lifelong cycle in me that I’ve repeated countless times.  I don’t want to repeat it anymore.  It’s been slowly destroying me over time.

It’s to do with my relationships with men.  And until now . . . until these last 24 hours . . . I’ve always seen the situations from their point of view.  I’ve been completely understanding of their side, and I’ve never recognized my own feelings about it.  I feel an opportunity at the moment to finally let those feelings come through, and so I’m going to give it a go.

This is not about trying to make myself look good or to bash the men from my past.  My own part in all of this is not any healthier or better than the part the men played.  But I’ve always given voice to their side of the situation, and today I am in great need of giving my side a voice.

I very easily give of myself and ask for nothing in return.  I didn’t know I did it.  And I don’t mean that I did this in a “I’m so good and pure I didn’t even know I was being taken advantage of” kind of way, I mean I did it in a very unhealthy and disempowered way.  There is a *true* way of giving of self and asking for nothing in return vibration that is in alignment with the Divine and is truly a compassionate and unconditional Love.  But this . . . what I have been doing in my intimate relationships, is *not* of that vibration.

I give all of myself in relationships, to men who are unable to give anything of themselves.  Who are in fact, unaware of anyone outside of themselves.  I am not accustomed to receiving anything from my partner.  Whether material gifts, emotional support, etc.  But I am accustomed to being restricted and controlled . . . owned.  They can do whatever they want, but I must toe the line.  They are the nicest guys.  Their reasons for why they do what they do make complete and total sense to me.  They are convinced themselves that they are nice guys.

My ex-husband, who I divorced when my son was still a baby, hadn’t worked since I was 8 months along in pregnancy.  I had an emergency C-section which is considered major surgery.  I was scared to death to sneeze or cough because it felt like all my internal organs would come out.  I was exhausted.  But my husband had completely withdrawn from me and the baby.  He refused to help with the baby ever.  He refused to help with anything at all.

I was still in high school at the time.  I had to take the baby with me and put him in daycare while I was in school.  I then took a bus into downtown to work a part time job I had gotten.  I don’t remember who watched the baby while I did that, but I can assure you it was some convoluted process which was completely ridiculous in nature.  I would then get home late in the evening and cook dinner and make bottles and whatever else had been neglected during the day.  My husband just sat in the living room playing some imaginary game along the lines of dungeons and dragons.  This was all just in the first two months of my son’s life.

Towards the end of the marriage, there is one memory in particular that just blows my mind and I have never understood.  At the time we were staying with my dad in another state.  I had gotten another job there shortly after we arrived, at a Supercenter being built in town.  I often worked 80 hours a week.  I lost about 90 lbs. in the first couple of months of working because I didn’t eat very much and did a lot of physical labor.

I had to pay for a babysitter to watch the baby in the same house that my husband sat in all day.  At $5/hr I made a dime over minimum wage.  I still had to get up all night with the baby.  The one time I shoved my husband out of bed to make him get the baby because I was exhausted, I woke up to him growling in a menacing manner to the baby to shut the fuck up.  Which resulted in me punching something hard and metal next to my bed in order to get my anger out before I marched over to him and the baby, calming myself before gently taking the baby and laying him back in the crib and then grabbing a hold of my husband and dragging him into another room to tell him that if I ever heard him talking or treating the baby in that way again, I would fucking kill him.

I was starved, sleep deprived, and dealing with an adult child who saw himself as superior to me and would yell things at me like how I was the stupidest fucking person he had ever met.  Years later, I’d find out that him and his family would laugh and make fun of me behind my back because they thought I was so gullible and would believe anything.  Fine.  Whatever.

Eventually I asked for a divorce.  In which case he decided it would be a good idea to get a job now to impress me.  He did get a job.  I was not impressed.  I was exhausted and done.  But now to the scenario that I’ll never understand.  He had his first paycheck in hand.  I had mine.  We borrowed a car and went shopping.  I put my stuff on the conveyor belt to pay from my paycheck.  Every single solitary item was a necessity.  Baby food, diapers, etc.  Now, keep in mind that I was the only one who had worked since the baby had been born and every penny had been going to his care.

The cashier rang my stuff up . . . I didn’t have enough money.  I was literally handing over every dime of my paycheck for things I HAD to have to make it until the next paycheck and have enough supplies for the baby.  I needed every single diaper.  I looked to my husband, and I asked if he could please get one of the packages of diapers with his money.  And the man about had a temper tantrum right there in line.  This was my place of work, so I was completely embarrassed by his behavior but also FURIOUS at his attitude.  I gave him the death stare.  He said, “Fine!  That means I’ll have to put back a pair of my sunglasses!”

Which is when I looked at all of the stuff on the conveyor belt and saw that all of it, every single bit of, was stuff for him personally.  Clothes, TWO pairs of sunglasses, along with a bunch of other stupid shit he didn’t need.  Not a single thing for the baby.  Not even a small something for me, his wife and mother of his child who had been killing herself to keep the family afloat.  And the fact that I had to have a fight with him in the middle of a store in order to make him pay for one package of diapers.  Besides his sperm, that was the only other contribution he made to his son.

My dad and step mom were not happy with my decision to divorce.  My dad saw it as me being just like my mother and pulling a man’s child away from him.  So on top of all of it, when I came home at night, I had to see my own family being buddy, buddy with my husband and telling him he didn’t have to leave, he could stay as long as he wanted.  And I was the shunned evil ice queen.  Fine.  Whatever.  I’ll just go be busy with being responsible while everyone else eats grapes and chocolate on their high horses.

Another relationship that comes to mind, was a little later in my life when I was back in Washington state, and was working at my first office job.  I made better money, but still not enough to fully support me and my son.

I started dating an engineer.  To me, this was a huge step up because . . . well he had a job.  I had remembered how stressful it had been on me to not have my husband working and me being leaned on financially so I didn’t want to do that to another person.  He made good money, but I didn’t want him to think that’s why I was with him.

But here’s the part I’m just now realizing I should probably be angry about, but I never felt like I had any right to be mad about.

At this time I was making about $8/hr.  After killing myself making $5/hr . . . this was heaven.  But I also had more expenses, such as gas for a four hour daily commute.  Most of my clothes had come from charity and were well worn.  At the time I had a nasty smoking habit.  Ironically, it was the one thing I spent money on for myself.  I’m pretty sure subconsciously I was hoping they did kill me.  Also because I spent money on them, I had to cut from somewhere else in my expenditures, and the only other negotiable choice was my food.  For two years, I basically lived on Diet Dr. Pepper and cigarettes.  Except for the occasional times people took me out for meals.  I was so skinny, it hurt to sit because my bones would bruise my skin.

Just trying to set the scene, and no, I did not make great choices but I was a single divorced mom by 19 . . . so give me a break.

So things got serious with this guy and we eventually moved in together.  He used to take me to downtown Seattle to the (now) Macy’s to go clothes shopping.  For himself.  He would say, “Hey!  Do you want to go with me clothes shopping?”, and I was all “YEAH!” and then several hundred dollars later he’d be packing his new car with a whole new wardrobe for himself.

I was excited for him to be able to do this for himself, because I am the kind of person who is genuinely happy for other’s happiness.  But as the day wore on and I realized that there was ZERO intention of me getting any new clothes, I found myself many times trying not to burst into tears right there in the middle of the store.  I felt so pathetic, standing there in my clothes from charity, and having selfishly thought that he had maybe wanted to surprise me and do something for me.  I told myself at the time that I shouldn’t expect that of him because it is his money and he does get to choose what he does with it.  I blamed myself for making such a rash assumption and then causing myself undue disappointment.

There was the time he dragged me into the Versace store.  To again show off how much his jeans were that he had bought there.  This wasn’t just a one time thing, he did things of this nature the entire relationship.

Did I mention that he made 6 figures at the time?

We once got into a huge fight because I was having a hard time paying my half of the rent.  I had childcare costs, which is the equivalent of a mortgage payment in it’s own right.  So, yes, I was struggling to pay my HALF of the rent to a man I was in a serious relationship with.  At the time it seemed “fair” and I fucking beat myself up emotionally for being such a loser that I wasn’t able to keep up with the expenses off of my very modest paycheck.

We got in a fight over toilet paper.  He said I used way too much toilet paper.  I asked if he had ever lived with a woman before, because bitches use a lot of toilet paper.  I asked if he wanted me to stop wrapping up the tampons and just throw them straight into the garbage, blood and all.  He told me to stop being so wasteful and ridiculous.  I told him to fuck off.  I had my limits, and apparently toilet paper was one of them.

He traveled all over.  Without me.  He went to visit his family at home in Ireland.  He went to Vegas.  Up to Canada with his friends.  He was living quite the life while we were together.  But very little of it had anything to do with me.  After the initial “falling in love” phase, he never made me feel like I was beautiful to him.  More like I was just a hot piece of ass.  Big difference.  He acted like I was some gold-digging burden when in fact I bent over backwards trying to show that it wasn’t about the money for me.  I was all in for the relationship and him.  To him I was just this pretty object he pulled down from the shelf every once in awhile when he was bored or needed to get his rocks off.  There wasn’t much more of him present in the relationship.  He mostly tolerated me.

I went from relationship to relationship with similar outcomes.  The guy was always totally stuck in himself even as he convinced me that the things he did were for me.  And I believed it.  But in hindsight, I can see how all of it can be traced back to themselves.  They weren’t in a relationship with me, they were in a relationship with my body and then some made up picture they projected over the top of me.  So, basically a relationship with themselves.

But to be fair, I was doing the same.  Projecting a much prettier picture over them from myself.  I used to say and I still want to say that I loved them because of the soul I saw inside . . . and maybe that is true at some level.  But at the personal level, I wasn’t in love with who the men really were, I was in love with how I thought they were based on who I was inside.  My interpretations of their behavior was based on how I saw and experienced the world . . . not the truth of the situation.

Eventually I took an 8 year break from relationships altogether.  To understand who I was outside of a relationship.  Somewhere at the 6 year mark I had a couple of flings and saw that nope, I’m not ready yet to get back out dating.  Still attracting douches.

Which brings us up to a couple of years ago.  By this time I was making a good living and able to fully support me and my son on my own.  I thought this would change my relationship dynamics.  I’m good on my own now, both emotionally and financially.  I don’t have to be in a relationship if I don’t want to.  Therefore, I will be less likely to repeat my cursed cycle from all those years ago when I was a spring chicken.

But I was wrong.  I put in all I had to try and not repeat my relationship doom . . . and it still happened again.  Because the real issue isn’t to do with money.  It’s an attitude.  A habit.  So even though in my last relationship, we were both fine financially, psychologically it was the same dynamic.  Just incredibly more sophisticated in nature.

It started out with a bang, all in love, la-de-da.  But slowly over time, I was making more and more compromises on my end, while nothing changed on the other end.  So sure that this relationship was meant to be, I put away all thoughts that maybe it wasn’t meant to work and set to work to doing whatever was needed in order to make it succeed.

They say relationships are about compromise.  So if he was stuck and didn’t know how to get around an obstacle, I’d step in and help him work it out.  Until one day I realized that nothing had ever actually moved forward in the relationship, but that now all of my time was being focused on him and helping him become “unstuck”.  He didn’t have to work and had zero responsibilities except to feed, shower, and clothe himself . . . and he had all of my time and attention.  I work full time, I’m a mom, I have pet(s), I have a household to run, I’m over here in the USA doing everything by myself . . . and now I was also giving my undivided attention to helping him figure things out so that he could get out in life.

In my mind, I thought I was investing and building a strong foundation for the two of us for our future.  I was dedicated and determined to figuring out this relationship phenomenon.  I sacrificed and compromised.  When I said this was hard trying to make things works across a continent and an ocean, he said yes it was hard for him too.  And in the midst of my insanity I thought that he really did understand how hard this was all on me.  Because again,  I projected my understanding onto him.

He’s never had to work a day in his life.  He doesn’t have the first fucking clue what I was living through this last two years.  That’s just a perfect example of how we trip ourselves up.  I should have KNOWN he didn’t really understand or know what this was all doing to me.  I should have known that someone who doesn’t have any real responsibilities, is just plain incapable of understanding my life.  It’s just not possible.

Just like when people say that you can’t understand what it’s like to have kids until you have kids?  And the people without kids get all up in arms and defensive like they’ve been insulted.  It’s because you CANNOT understand what you don’t know or haven’t experienced yourself.  It’s only after you’ve had it or experienced it that you can THEN see that, omg . . . no, I really could not have known that until now.

That was basically our whole relationship in a nutshell.  The issue being that he convinced me that he really did know and understand this or that even though he never did it himself personally, and me having done or experienced those things personally, didn’t believe that I knew better than him.

As I said to him once, he was more confident in his own bullshit than I was in my truth.

Which basically sums up my life.  The root cause of how I become my own worst enemy, relationship after relationship.

So the solution isn’t about those men changing.  There are always going to be dicks around.  They have to even see that they’re being dicks before they can work on changing themselves.  And you have to really want to change yourself in order to put in the hard work required.  So no, that’s not the solution.

What I also don’t want to do is close my heart and become one of them.  That’s not a choice in my book.

So that leaves myself.  I need to lay down better boundaries and enforce them, even at risk of offending or making things awkward.  I can’t do this to myself again.  As I get older, I have a harder time recovering from this level of bullshit mistake.

I have to be more fair to myself.  I have to stand up and protect myself from others who *are* being douchebags.  Not because they don’t deserve love, kindness, and understanding . . . but because it’s a fucking waste of time when someone is all closed up like that.  They will just take and take and take until you’re drained and then toss you aside because you no longer serve a purpose for them.  Sacrificing yourself doesn’t make them “see the light”.  They’re so used to people giving them everything they want and bending over backwards that the people around them just become this blur of stuff that doesn’t really register on their radar or even really care about.

It’s not worth it.  It’s absolutely not worth it.  But maybe if people quit believing their bullshit, and quit fucking enabling them and doing everything for them . . . maybe they’ll be made uncomfortable enough that they finally do choose to fix their shit.  It has to affect them personally before they have motivation to change.  But that’s actually not my concern or my own motivation.  They can choose to change or not change, either way I’m not going to let them have a say in my own life anymore.

Now, some of those fuckers are tricky.  They start using shit like they’ll die if you don’t do this or that for them.  They’ll start acting like they’re just a weak sack of shit that needs you.  “What will I do without you, I can’t make it without you.”  Or say stuff like, “I can’t, but I just can’t.”  No. No.  That’s emotional blackmail.  That’s bullshit.  Don’t coerce or manipulate me into putting up with your bullshit, by hinting, suggesting, or even straight out telling me that the consequences of not putting up with it, could lead to your death or demise.

If you play that shit on me, then I guess you’re going to die if it’s true, because I do not fucking play that game.

I have NOT had an easy life and I have gone through some of the most insane stuff, but time and time again I have had to pull my shit together by sheer will power, and all on my own with little to no support in order to have the life that I have now which is insanely more happy than my childhood.  I refuse to be a victim.  I refuse to be a statistic.  So I’m not going to sit there and allow others to behave in that manner towards me anymore like I’m the one that doesn’t get it or understand their suffering.  I understand TOO well, but that doesn’t mean you get to wimp out in your own life or make other people responsible for your crap.  Pick up your own shit and fix it yourself.

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The Moment Of Surrender

Years ago I had a very lucid dream where I had walked into a large room that looked very much like a classroom, but without the desks and chairs.  Some sort of special training appeared to be taking place.  The two people in charge approached me.

I don’t remember what they said exactly, but something along the lines of an audition taking place.  It was a special VIP invite only.  The best of the best had been gathered into this room.  The best of what?  Auditioning for what?  I have no idea.  But the looks I received from the instructors told me that they were thinking exactly what I felt.  “What are you doing here?”

I looked at the group of phenomenal people who were currently gathered in the middle of the room showing off their obvious talents.  Things were being fired at them.  Lasers, orbs, things I couldn’t identify.  Stuff whizzing throughout the center of the room.  Some were good at using weaponry they wielded, some had the ability to move fast, some used martial art-like moves to deflect and protect themselves.

The information that came to me about the situation, was that these people had been training hard since childhood.  This was something they had been dreaming of and working towards every moment of their life.

What on earth was I doing here?  I didn’t belong here.  The instructors asked me what my special ability was, and I just shook my head and told them I had no idea.  That there must have been some mistake.  I was starting to feel a little humiliated and embarrassed to be there.

The woman instructor did some sort of energetic scan of me to see if she could assess what stood out in me, but wasn’t able to hide her own disappointment when she found that no, nothing special stood out in me . . . confirming my own worst fears.  I got the impression that the only reason I was even there was because of who my dad was (in the dream).  My dad was apparently someone who held a great deal of respect and importance.  So I was feeling like *that* person.  The one who wasn’t there on their own merit.

I continued to watch and observe the others.  They were amazing.  I knew for sure I didn’t belong and with that acceptance in me I was able to let go of even trying to prove myself.  I would stay because I had been instructed to come here by some authority figure that I respected and trusted completely and wouldn’t even dream about disobeying, but I wasn’t going to try and pretend to be someone or something I wasn’t.

It felt good to accept the reality of my situation in which I found myself instead of panicking and trying to force something to happen.  I found myself smiling at them.  Appreciating the hard work and dedication they had put into getting themselves to this level.  I admired them.  I respected them for the hard path they had chosen.  Their dedication.  Their spirit.  I looked forward to discovering my special ability so that I could work hard like them and maybe one day truly deserve to be here.

I thought perhaps that was the true reason I had been sent there in the first place.  Maybe an exercise in humbleness.  The understanding that you have to work hard to get what you want.  And I was okay with that.  I was okay with that being my lesson to learn from all of this if that’s what truly held me back in my growth.

With that feeling I closed my eyes, feeling a wave of peace and calm wash over me.

In that peace, I also felt love and joy.  I was happy with this lesson.  I was happy in my acceptance of what was, instead of what I wished it to be.  Maybe today wasn’t my day to shine, but one day it would be.

I became centered in myself.  The world outside of me became quiet.  The joy and peace that I felt inside began to grow and well up from deep within me.  With it, I felt music.  I felt a song.  I felt the vibration of my soul song.  It demanded that I express it in dance.

Eyes still closed, my heart open and at peace, I began to move.  I swirled on tiptoe, my arms spiraling out around me.  My body and the living music humming through me, moved as one.  Up on one foot, pause, and then swirl both arms to the right . . . and then to the left.  Right arm out and around and then behind me.

Every movement surrendered completely to the love and joy I felt moving through me in the most divine song.  My current situation totally forgotten.

Until I opened my eyes and found myself square in the middle of the firefight, completely untouched and unharmed.

Then a flash moment of, “OH SHIT! WTF am I doing?!”, while also catching the completely shocked faces of the instructors that I’m sure mirrored my own.  The woman instructor quickly pulled herself together and then yelled at me to keep doing whatever I had just been doing . . . because whatever it was . . . it was my special ability.

So I quickly closed my eyes to the chaos and danger all around me, willing the absolute terror I had started to feel away, and called back again the music inside and danced.  But now I was also aware of what was going on around me.  I could see with my mind’s eye, how every movement I made naturally moved me out of harms way.  Every twirl, every pause, every extension and sway kept all of my body in the safe spaces for that moment in time.

If I were to doubt, resist, question my movement at all . . . I would be hit.  But when I fully trusted in the music in me and let go of worrying or being afraid of what was happening around me, then I was perfectly safe.

I became so overjoyed in learning this about myself, that I truly had no reason to be afraid, that the music in me began to grow even stronger and louder, to the point that I was able to fully open my eyes and give in completely to the joy and ecstasy that it was to be me.

The intensity in me increased until I no longer saw the things being shot at me as my enemy, but as my dance partner in life.  I no longer saw the difference between the dance and the fight, they were one and the same.

Graceful Dance II

Getting All Growed Up

For the most part, my life has stayed relatively the same for several years.  Same job, same apartment, same day-to-day routine more or less.

I’ve had big stuff happen such as my son being hospitalized, getting engaged, the breakup with the fiancé, my girl kitty dying . . .  but nothing actually fundamentally changed.  Ok, maybe inner growth blah blah blah, but it doesn’t *feel* like change to me when my daily routine is basically undisturbed.

But I have some big changes happening astrologically which have been rumbling and shaking the ground from under my feet.  One, I only know about thanks to Aries Introvert, who pointed out that I have a lunar nodal return coming up in July.  That happens once every 18.6 years . . . that’s a HUGE deal.  Learning that helped make sense of an underlying tension I’ve been feeling start to come on recently.  My Solar Return alone couldn’t account for the bigness of what I’m feeling happen.  I also recently, at the beginning of the year, had transiting Uranus cross my ascendant . . . but that’s just become par for the course for me.

However, what is super interesting to me, is just how similar my Solar Return and Lunar Nodal Return are, emphasizing everything.  Okay, I wasn’t planning on it, but I truly feel visuals help so I’m going to go grab those charts and brb.

. . .

Okay so here are the charts for easy reference (using the Koch house system).  My natal, my Solar Return, and Lunar Nodal Return.

Natal NN Reference

Natal

2014 Solar Return

2014 Solar Return

2014 Lunar Nodal Return

2014 Lunar Nodal Return

Okay, so take special notice of my natal lunar north node which is circled at 23 degrees Libra.  Look at my rising sign for my 2014 Solar Return.  23 degrees Libra.  My rising sign for my lunar nodal return?  Libra.  Conjunct what?  The 23 degree Libra north node.

Btw, a solar return is a snapshot of the heavens in the current year on the moment that the sun returns to the exact same degree as your birth.  It gives you an idea of what you’ll be working on for the year.  A lunar nodal return is under a similar premise, it’s when the transiting nodes return to the same exact place they were when you were born and gives you an understanding of a bigger cycle in your life that lasts approximately 18.6 years.

There are two things in particular that have been at the foremost of my awareness today that I can totally see how it fits here.  1) Uranus in Aries in the 6th house for both returns 2) Libra rising/Aries descendant in both returns.

The Uranus (sudden change) in Aries (new) in the 6th house (day-to-day work) is pretty apparent in my life.  I *suddenly* found out that my job of 5 1/2 years was most likely ending at the end of June . . . and before I had too much time to panic, I *suddenly* had a new job.

But what’s maybe not so apparent, is that *suddenly* I can’t seem to keep astrology out of my blogs.  Astrology is ruled by Uranus.  Aries relates to the individual self.  6th house is also known as the house of healing & service.  My blog is more or less a part of my daily life.  I suppose it could technically count as a service, but I suppose that depends on whether it actually helps anyone or not, but at minimum it’s a tool I use along with astrology in helping to heal myself as an individual.  So perhaps with that in my Lunar nodal return, this will start becoming a bigger part of my life going forward.  Who knows?  Aries is *new* and Uranus is innovative . . . so it may even be stuff I haven’t thought up yet.

Point being, my work life going forward is going to be anything but dull.

Now to the Libra/Aries bit.  In my natal I’m an Aries rising and I have a mountain of 1st house emphasis including an Aries Mars & Venus.  With all this Libra switch-a-roo going on in my return charts, I’m experiencing the Aries & Libra energy in a new way, and I have to say I’m pleasantly surprised with the understanding I’m gaining.

The biggest thing is that I’m feeling this switch in me of approaching life from a view of survival, into one of more purposeful choices.  For example, the lease on my apartment is going to end in a month or two and I’m considering looking for a new apartment that is closer to town.  In the past, this meant finding the least expensive apartment I could find that had the bare minimum for me to survive off of.  It wasn’t so much about what I wanted, as it was about I was going to learn how to like whatever I could find.

But this time I’m like, “Hey, let’s not be so hasty.  Let’s see what cool things are available that maybe aren’t necessities, but would perhaps enrich my life some more.”  Aries –> Libra.

Or even about my job.  I had more of a feeling of not wanting to just take the first thing available just to make sure I had work, so much as I was starting to think about my career choice as something that I get to have a say in what I do.  Now, I *did* take the first job I walked into (that damn Aries in the 6th house) however it’s because it was something new and was exactly what I *was* looking for.

I still plan on continuing my mission of understanding my skills/talents and taking more of a purposeful & calm approach to the decisions I make in my life.  I don’t need to rush it anymore.  I don’t need to go into “scared rabbit mode” when these big changes happen in my life.  I can take more time to bounce around ideas about what I really want in life to make my life better, instead of strictly surviving.  Again, that’s the difference between the Aries/Libra axis.

The biggest surprise I think for me so far, is that I am starting to understand the whole concept of ‘long-term goals’.  From an Aries rising standpoint, you’re just trying to fucking survive.  *That’s* your long term goal.  Why plan ten years down the road when you don’t even know if you’re going to be alive then?  It’s like one thing at a time please!  🙂

But when you have the luxury of leisure (Libra), then it’s like what’s the rush?  Let’s think about this.  Let’s see what’s possible before we rush into anything.

And that’s a completely new thing for me.  It’s quite a transition in fact.  The whole concept of my whole existence not being based solely off of trying to keep from dying.

Aries is raw material and Libra is the refined material.

So that got me thinking about how now the descendant is showing as Aries.  I’m going to have more people who are in the survival mode coming into my life.  Now, I still have a natal Aries rising, so that still rattles my memories of living in perpetual fight or flight.  But I also have Mars and Venus in Aries.  Libra is ruled by Venus.  So all this new Libra emphasis, still points to my Venus (and Mars since they are both on the exact same 26th degree) . . . but it’s a softer and more refined Venus/Mars that I’m feeling.

I look back on my life and it’s been one big mess of ‘please god, just let me live through this’.  But something else I’m noticing . . . I also used all of those really tough times in my life as opportunities to try something new (Aries).  I challenged myself to not use misfortune in my life as an excuse for failure.  So with an abundance of will power (Aries), I not only got through those endless insane moments in my life, but I learned how to transcend them.  I just knew in my heart, that there was a way to still live in joy even while total insanity was breaking out around me.  A new way of being.

 Now I look at these returns and even at what’s happening right now in my day-to-day life and it’s kind of starting to dawn on me what exactly is happening at this time in my life.  I’m switching roles completely.  I *am* seeing the people around me struggling more and more as shit starts to hit the fan for the general public.  I recognize the eyes in the headlight look that I used to always have.  But that’s no longer me.

Not because stuff stopped happening to me, hell no!  In fact, if anything, it’s been ratcheted up to unbelievable levels.  But when I remember and start putting into practice all of the things I learned in all of my years of struggle and survival, I transform (pluto) into a place of peace and calm (libra) within myself and I’m able to effortlessly navigate ‘the slings and arrows of misfortune’.  I begin to encompass my natal 7th house into myself (which includes my Libra north node) along with my 1st house of Aries Self . . . and reconcile the paradox of duality on that axis (Gemini).

In short, I become the living example or model of the accumulation of all that I’ve learned and have overcome.  And by simply living it, being it, being myself- I am giving that knowledge and information to everyone I come into contact with, even when I don’t speak a word.  I don’t need to preach or lecture. (Although I’m never going to give up talking.)  I simply live it with all my heart.

Living my life out loud, is the value I add to the world.  My life does matter.  I do count.

I truly believe that every person does count.  But I think too often we look for traditional markers of success such as a fancy title or having a lot of money or even at times trying to prove our worth with over-kindness and charity work.

What if the best gift we could offer the world, was ourselves whole-heartedly?  I think the worst that could be said of someone doing that is:

mad fire

Putting The Person Back In Personal

So it looks like it’s about that time where I’m going to have to start interviewing for jobs again.

Which holds so many levels of personal terror, that I can’t even.

It brings up all of my insecurities.  It triggers my survival mode which then commences the “worst possible scenarios” loop sequence in my mind’s eye over and over.  I start living in my own personal theater of hell.

I try to push through it with things like . . . well like breathing for starters.

But this morning when I got up to start writing in my journal, I found that I was absolutely tired of living in this fear surrounding this area of my life.  And the only way I know how to truly conquer a fear of mine, is to face it head on with eyes wide open.

I get in it’s personal space and I stare it straight in the eyeball.

So while writing I asked myself why?  Why is this scaring me to death?  Why does it always scare me to death?  Why do I avoid really seeing and understanding this whole area of my life?

{Staring at it.}

The great thing about truly being done with your own bullshit, is that your questions become more direct and clear . . . and so do your answers.

I hate the whole process (job hunting) from start to finish, because I have no clarity or understanding about my own skills.  I have no clarity in my own skills because my entire career has been built from approaching jobs in a “I just need a job to survive and support my family” kind of way, and then I make myself find reasons to love the jobs I receive so that I excel at them and so that I can continue to support my family.

My focus has always been on what was easily apparent and noticeable about my skillset or previous jobs, that would be enticing to other companies.  Basically, “What do you want to hear?”  Because I *know* I can do whatever job I get.  All I’m trying to do is find ways to help the prospective employer understand that as well.

So I never actually dove into my own personal interests.  I never took time to understand for myself what things I’m actually good at or what it is that I really want to be doing or focusing on in my career.  It never occurred to me that maybe I’ve gathered enough skills and knowledge in the last twenty years or so, that this is now an option.

This old perception, which began when I was a teenager, has always left me feeling powerless and at the mercy of others.  I was always grateful for whatever I got.  I always worked myself to death to prove they had made a good decision in choosing me.  It’s truly an awful feeling and not the best perspective to live life from.  I mean, I’m good while I have a job . . . but start threatening my job and I become a frozen statue of terror.

Like I said last week, it feels like it’s time for a change.

For me personally, what makes me feel confident and open, is knowledge.  Information.  Why does this whole area of my life scare me?  Because I do not understand myself in that capacity or in relation to others.  I do not truly comprehend or see what skills or value I bring to the table of life.  If I don’t have this information and I do not understand it, then 1) how can I effectively communicate it to a prospective employer and 2) how do I know what direction I want to go in my career personally?

Hence.  The TERROR.  AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

But now I see the issue.  And now I can see the solution.  And now I can see the backside of TERROR as it turns tail to start running from me.

So I grabbed one of my blank dream journals and made it my notebook in which I will use to focus my efforts in this endeavor.  I am going to start combing through my work experience, starting with my current job, and I’m going to start writing down what I can come up with.

But that’s not the whole problem, and in fact . . . that is a very small part of the problem for me.  The key thing missing from my understanding is “in relation to others”.  I do not understand how I compare or how I stand out as an individual from the rest of the 7 billion people.  So, I’m not just going to rely on myself for my quest.  I’m going to get out there and start asking *you* guys.

So heads up if you’re in my other networks. 😀 And don’t avoid me either.  I’m tenacious. Oh! {writes that down in notebook}

Now, when I say that I am going to be asking others.  I don’t mean I’m asking for them to tell me FOR me what I’m good at or what my skills are.  I’m not trying to be lazy about it.  I plan on coming up with my own perspective.  But what is incredibly valuable to me that I can’t get from myself, is how other’s experience me personally.

To clarify further (pay attention, this will be on the test), while interacting with me (job, Starbucks’s line, comments section) what do *you* personally feel or experience with me that stands out for you in your mind.  The key point being, what is your own personal experience.

Not how would you word *me* in your resume, or let’s think about what I *think*  Jenn values and focus my comment around that.  No . . . I mean, in your own self, in your own world separate from the opinions of the planet and the channel 9 news team . . . what about me, stood out for you personally that you appreciated?

Jenn, wtf does that even mean?  And omg are you trying to tell me how to give you feedback?  Why should I even give it in the first place?  What’s in it for me?  Acting like I owe you or something.  Shoot.  Homegirl be trippin.

I know! I know!

I’m always trippin.  It’s cool.  It’s how I move through life.

This is valuable to me, because it’s the only way I am personally able to understand how I stand out from the rest of the world.

And truth be told, I feel like the ability to connect at a personal level has become lost to our world.  More and more I feel people no longer understand what that actually means.  We don’t talk to people anymore, we talk at them.  We walk around with our guards up 24/7 to the point that even we ourselves no longer know how we personally feel about things anymore.

We are losing who we are as individuals in the process.

Personal feelings, perspectives, and experiences are valuable to everyone.  But from the moment we are born, we are told how to feel and see everything, based on other’s perspectives and experiences.  In school we are taught how to see the world from the perspective of some vague “them”.  We’re told that to get along in life, you better have the perspective of your employer.

At no point are we encouraged to understand who we are as an individual or guided to understanding how to best incorporate that gift we bring into the whole so that we may all benefit from it.

No . . . we insist on perpetuating the dysfunction for everyone FOREVER, because fuck the individual.

This approach and attitude, is killing humanity’s spirit as a whole.  We are all dying from it.  I don’t want to die from that.  I want to die from too much happy or by rainbow or something.  I don’t know, but I don’t want to die because of *this*.

I want to understand my gift as an individual and I want to find the best way to incorporate that into the current structure so that as many can benefit from what I have to offer as possible.

So . . . I have to start somewhere, and this is where I’ve decided to start it.

Okay wait, first I have to go pee, and then I’ll start.

 resume cat

Jumping Back Into Life With My Party Of One!

The soundtrack for today’s post:

I Lived by One Republic

I’m currently sitting at the car dealership getting new tires put on my car.  {Transferring money from savings to checking AGAIN for the hundredth time this month.  %^@!*?%  <– can’t put hashtags in my “swear” words anymore . . . it tries to make it a *thing*.

So anyways, on the long ass drive to my appointment this morning I was contemplating my existence (also for the hundredth time this month).  It was more of the “what am I doing?” . . . feeling like I’m missing or not getting something.  That scratch you can’t itch.

Letting stuff float through my mind.  “Nope.  That’s not it.  Nope.  Nope.  Already been down that road thoroughly and nope.”

Sitting in the long line to get onto 520, an energetic dance song came on my shuffled music.  I started bopping to it, my ponytail swishing.  Now, understand that normally, I’m too self conscious to do something like this while stopped in traffic.  I mean I’m *stuck* next to these people for at least 15 minutes . . . it can get awkward.

But something in me is SO tired of everything, that I’ve worn down the strict-disciplined-always-follows-the-rules inner Parent that has always been there to stop me from making a total ass of myself.  My inner child was like “I DO WHAT I WANT! YOU DON’T OWN ME!” and gave into the dance.

I think the key difference for me that separates this from all of my other minor rebellions, is that I truly did not feel subconscious about what I was doing.  I just felt the need to bring the fun and party to where I was.  Right there.  In my car.  Party of one.

And I felt comfortable in my skin with what I was doing.  I smiled.

I felt something start to well up in me.  A new resolve.  It’s time to change.

I’m a motherfluffin Gemini.  Do you know what the ONE thing is that I should have mountains of?  (And that doesn’t even include the effect of *expands everything it touches* Jupiter that is conjunct my sun).

Friends.

Everywhere I go, I should have friends.  Friends coming out of my ears.

But I’ve been sitting around being a pussy about being super sensitive and empathic.  “Oh I need time to myself, I can’t.”  And not to dismiss my own actual needs, yeah I need down time . . . but so what?  So what about that?  Being so guarded and protective of myself, all I’ve managed to do is isolate myself.

I tell myself I don’t want to get involved in drama.  Or maybe I even have a fear that by having friends I’ll create karmic debt and then I’ll never get off this fuckin’ carnival ride.  I don’t know!

But sitting in my car this morning, all I knew was this.  Without friends and personal relationships, life for me is meaningless.  It’s all the people in my life and the interaction with them that makes life worth it for me, and I’ve gone and cut myself off from everyone.

There’s reasons.  I had healing to do, I had to get my own shit together, and all that.  Again, I don’t want to dismiss the process I needed to go through.  But what I do want to acknowledge, is that obviously that time for me is over.  There’s a powerful force inside me that is ready to get out there and get my hands dirty with life.

I want my current friends to know how much they mean to me, and I want to make new friends where ever I go.  I want to turn that party of one into a party of everyone!

So I ninja’d a bunch of my friends this morning.  Texted, left messages in Facebook.  Not all my friends, trying to wade into the pool slowly.  The first response I got back on my phone was “Sweet!  Who is this?”  :/

Actually, it was more like LOL!  Because yes!  That’s exactly it!  I’ve totally disappeared from everyone’s life, so what else could I expect?

I’m giving myself a new challenge in life.  I’m going to learn how to be a friend.  I’m going to learn how to be the first to reach out to others.  I’m going to learn how to be open and invite others to join the party.  I’m going to challenge myself to stop being so self conscious and holding myself back.

In fact, while sitting here in the waiting room and listening to the song from One Republic on my headphones . . . I let myself enjoy music the only way I know how, and that is to dance in one form or another.  I’m the master of seat dancing.  I’m not even thinking anymore “I wonder if they think I’m crazy.”  I’m just thinking, “Yay! Yay! Yay! <tap> <tap> <tap>.”  It makes it feel like the room is coming to life . . . it’s AWESOME.

You know, I’ve *always* wanted life to be more like a musical, where it was acceptable to break out into inspired song and dance.  And who knows . . . maybe I want it to be that way so bad because it has something to do with what I have to offer.

So, if you get some random text or message from someone and you’re trying to figure out who the hell is sending you random hugs and high fives.  Don’t worry, it’s probably just me . . . jumping back into life!

There Is A Time To Live And There Is A Time To Die

One thing about having your life flipped upside down with devastating news, is that it forces you to be present in the here and now.  All there is, all you can be sure of, is what is happening at this moment.

You know, I tried to imagine the Native Americans back hundreds of years ago all sitting around the campfire trying to plan out their 5 year and 10 year goals and it just looked ridiculous to me.  Discussions started about risk management of the buffalo herds and average rainfall from recent years and the amount of berry return they could expect in the coming years based on weather projections from their shaman.  Which then turned into arguments and name-calling and fistfights.  It was a disaster.

The Native Americans as a people, at one time, had such a genuine appreciation of life and gratitude for all they had.  They knew what needed to be done in each moment and left the rest to the Great Spirit.  They lived simply.  But they weren’t just flying blind, they were plugged into the pulse of nature.  It’s a natural rhythm that syncs up with our mind and heart.  It’s a feeling, a knowing of what time it is . . . of what needs to be done right now, and what was needed for the future was automatically calculated into that with the unseen spirit of Life.

A perfect recent personal experience with how this works, is that I felt a strong need in me to take a couple of days off.  It wasn’t your typical, oh that sounds like a good idea, it was something deep in me telling me that it needed to happen.  So I just went with it in the moment, and I used my instinct for how to go about doing it.  The night before my two scheduled days off I found out that my girl kitty was dying, and I would’ve had to take those two days off anyways . . . but because I listened to my *now* voice the week before without getting caught up in why I felt it . . . it was already taken care of.  Instead of having to focus on arranging all of that with no warning to my office, everything was already pre-arranged and I was able to 100% focus on the situation at hand.

That is living in harmony with life, even while in the modern world.

Right now everyone’s too busy thinking they know better than life and nature, what needs to be happening from moment to moment.  Not only that, but also busy telling everyone else what *they* should be doing too.  With all of this chattering at each other, how can anyone hear their own inner voice anymore?  The one that connects them to Life?  The one that sustains, nourishes, and provides everything that is needed from moment to moment?  Is it any wonder we’re all starved and empty inside?  When you go against that internal natural rhythm you purposely deny yourself nourishment from nature . . . God . . .The Mother . . . however you choose to see that which spiritually feeds us and makes all things possible in this life.

Do you not stop and think about what makes trees grow?  What makes bees buzz?  What *it* is that animates this world and brings it to life?  What makes you walk around and laugh and talk and cry?  There is this ever present hum of life that is present in all and everything we do, and we try to live life like a bunch of teenagers who think they already know everything, ignoring this very real and present provider in our current existence.

All of it is a gift.  What moves through everything and gives it the spark of life and animates this world, does NOT have to do that.  It can withdraw at any time it chooses.  Every bit of it is a gift, and we take it for granted and we stomp all over it, and ignore it.  We refuse to even acknowledge it’s existence . . . and yet it continues to give and give and give.  And we . . . continue to be like a bunch of spoiled brats who need their asses whooped.

Being alive is a gift.  Dying . . . is a part of that process.  It’s sad because we want to continue to share this life with that person or being, but things must come and go as they need to, not as we personally wish them to.

Just like I didn’t know initially why I was taking off those two days, I don’t initially know why it’s time for Raven to die or why it’s time for anyone to die . . . but there are bigger things at work than just us as humans on this planet.  Maybe Raven is a super spy on the planet Catawesomeness, and she was here on a vacation or as a favor to someone, and now her time here is up because she needs to get back to her real job at Catawesomeness.  Yes I’m sad for her to go, but that’s the nature of existence.  The natural rhythm at both the micro and macro levels.

Just because she’s going to move into a spectrum of light my human eyes can’t see, doesn’t mean she ceases to exist or that she isn’t still out doing awesome Raven things.  Because that’s not how things work.  There are whole existences and worlds that our minds have been closed to for a really long time and it’s that closed mindedness that makes us suffer.  The suffering is in response to an imagined way of how things are when we die.  Not based on truth or reality.

The grief . . . the grief is very real.  Energetically, it’s the untangling of energy from each other.  If we grip on tightly to the being dying from this world (or just leaving to do something else awesome), then it becomes more painful.  If we were to know or understand that they’re just going through a door and onto other things just like when we move or change jobs here . . . then we’d be more willing to unlock our grasp on them and free them.  Let them go.  Let them move on to their next life without pulling on them to come back when they are done here.

I had a dream a few years back.  I was in a house with a girl.  She left the room momentarily and when she did my dream became lucid . . . more real than real life.  The ghost of a girl was trying to make contact with me.  She was pleading with me.  Something that the astral plane was trying to get across the veil to the world, to us.  It was an emergency.  When the other girl returned to the room, the ghost disappeared.  I told her about it, and she said that her sister had died and it was probably her.

When I first woke up I couldn’t remember what the urgent message was from the other side of the veil.  But I suddenly remembered it this last week.  The urgency was that we’ve forgotten how to properly grieve the dead.  We’ve forgotten how to open ourselves wide to the loss in order to free them so that they may leave this world.  The astral has been bursting at the seams with the spirits of our loved ones who we won’t release or let go or forgive.  Our awareness and attention is more powerful than we realize.  Holding tight to someone, whether alive or dead . . . binds them.  It makes it harder for them to untangle their energy from you and be free to leave.  You have to release your hold on them, and they on you.

In ancient times, there used to be huge ceremonies held throughout the year where specially trained priestesses and priests would do these elaborate ceremonies in order to clear all of that out.  So if you did lose someone and you were holding onto them, this was an opportunity as a community to join together in your grief and let them all go together.  Then you had the company and support of others suffering the same and you could lean on each other for support in having to finally say goodbye or let go.  But what do we do now?  We get, what? two days to move through the whole grief process before we get back to business and continue as if nothing happened?

This neglect of this part of ourselves is what is undoing us now.  This need to hold onto things long past their time.  This need to overcome nature and be these heroes that triumph over death again and again.  It goes against natural laws.  We throw money at cancer research and call it charity and doing good . . . without understanding whether it truly is good or not.  The more we try to conquer disease and sickness, the more that shows up.  Suspicious don’t you think?  Perhaps it’s Mother Nature taking matters into her own hands?  We are truly foolish people.

We have 7+ billion people on the planet.  More than the planet can sustain.  Is this *really* being progressive?  Or is this the result of us thinking we know better than God . . . Mother Nature.  This unhealthy obsession to force and make things continue to live against their will, just because we’re too scared to let go.

We’re scared of our emotions and our feelings and of losing that which we love.  These are our shadows that we run from.  Our whole existence is now centered on a fear of dying and losing love, rather than living and experiencing love.  In an effort to cheat death, we have become the dead.  We no longer remember what it even feels like to be alive.

There is a time for us to be born . . . and there is a time for us to die.  And if we’re tuned into the natural rhythm of life, we know when those times are, and we need to allow them to happen.  Provide love, provide support for both them and their loved ones, help ease their suffering as much as possible during the transition.  But for god sakes . . . we need to let them go.

funny-teddy-bear-dog-cotton

 

On The Very Threshhold Of The Golden Age . . . Be Brave And Endure

Have you ever had to go without something that you needed?  And by needed, I mean something basic and standard like oxygen.

Have you ever had to go without food, or not know when you would get more?  Or Water?

When you have to go too long without something that you need in order to nourish and keep yourself alive, it can produce a state of fearfulness.  Mistrust.  Guardedness.

Whatever little you have, you hide and guard with all you have.

That’s more of a physical example, an animal survival instinct.

But we’re more than physical beings.  We have basic needs that go beyond oxygen, food, water, & shelter.

Our Spirit needs . . . Spiritual need . . . is love.

When we are forced to go without love, we respond in the same manner emotionally as if we were low on food and water.

Because we’re at the end of a cycle, the love we were given from source at the beginning of the cycle has run very low.

The Kali Yuga period is the darkest part of the cycle, exactly because of this.  We’re running low on love . . . light from source.

It’s easy for the dark smoke entity to hide and cover up whatever love is left, and make us believe that it is all gone . . . leaving chaos and destruction in it’s wake.

But what is really interesting about the big cycle, is that it starts with the golden age . . . slowly decreases into darkness over thousands of years . . . until we hit the period we’ve been in.  But instead of it slowly increasing and reversing in the same speed that it declined . . . we suddenly jump from the darkest period of the cycle, back into the golden age.

Why?  Why does it do that?

Because the grand cycle, is a process of receiving our nourishment from the source that has to last us for the next cycle.  They talk about manna from heaven in the bible, and how the people survived off of this stuff for a long time.  Source pulses out a burst of light/love/consciousness/awareness once every grand cycle.

By the end of the cycle, we are dragging our mother fucking knuckles on the ground about ready to give up completely.  We are being mean, rotten, selfish, ignorant, etc.  We are in survival mode.  We are responding exactly as people who are starving to death . . . and we are . . . our love fuel tank is on E.

If you’ve ever suffered starvation or nutrient deficiency, you will know that you can’t think straight . . . everything is confusing and doesn’t make much sense.  You don’t make the smartest decisions.  Why do you think people associate being poor as being ignorant?

Humanity is not evil . . . it’s simply starving for love, or the energy sent to us from source every grand cycle.

Forgive them for they know not what they do.

The world religions, while yes some have turned into power plays and political disasters, initially were meant to help people keep faith when things started to darken.  As the ages progress, and the light/love source we were provided for the long haul starts to grow thinner and thinner . . . things start to get a little tough.

People start getting grumpier and grumpier.  More defensive.  More divided.  Less trusting of each other.  More isolated and separated.  Then the dark smoke entity starts to rub it’s hands together in glee because it becomes easier and easier to trick people when they become low in love.

We go through a period where we believe that our “God” has forsaken us.  Where is he?  Where did he go?

So there is a period of many generations, where you are just going strictly off of collective memories, stories, faith, and belief regarding this loving entity.  A prophecy of his return.

His return, is when the grand cycle is complete, and it’s time to refill all of our reserves with the light/love from source.  And it comes all at once.  The golden love energy.  The Golden Age.  The Great Awakening.

Why is it the Great Awakening?  Because we are so starved, we are spiritually weak and when you’re spiritually weak . . . you forget.  The more starved you become, the more you forget and fall into darkness.

Inspirational things are what we use to try and keep the Spirit alive through the darkest times.  Singing, dancing, making merry, happiness, joy, love . . . we keep the traditions and rituals going for as long as possible in order to carry some of the light/love from source through our darkest times.  Until one day they end.  Because we’ve run all out of that spiritual substance that we NEED.

There are many monasteries, etc. whose soul purpose is to hold that love and light in remote parts of the world in order to keep all of us from plunging completely into darkness.  Who in the darkest times start to become mocked and disrespected.  But who keep doing it anyways, because they know it’s important.  That is faith.

But we also keep a small spark of that energy deep within ourselves . . . that we guard with all that we have because it’s the only thing that keeps us from dying.

Which brings us to now.  We are at the teeter totter end of the cycle.  The very darkest before the light.  Were we are all feeling isolated and alone because we’re forced to in order to protect that last bit of spark love inside of us.  Scared.  Defensive.  Trying to not lose hope.  Trying to keep the faith in Love.  Faith in Light’s return.

Just like we do in winter . . . hoping that spring and life comes back to us.  It’s exactly the same thing . . . the micro within the macro.  In the Grand Cycle, we are at the precipice of Spring.  We are all holding our breaths for the Event.  Hoping, praying, that the Light returns to us.  That we haven’t been forgotten.  That something didn’t happen during the thousands of years since our last renewal, that will prevent the light from getting to us.

I’m here to tell you, that we have not been forgotten.  The Light is on its way even as we speak, and it cannot be stopped.

It’s okay to let go of your fear and doubts.  I know you’re tired and worn to the bone . . . but give it one more chance.

The energy is already beginning to reach us, and like flowers . . . we have to be willing to open in order to receive the sunshine in order to be fed.

You’ve been tight in fear in order to protect your last spark of love, the same as a hungry person guards the last scrap of food they have.

But it’s okay to let go now.  If you can find the strength and courage in yourself to trust . . . just one more time . . . and open your heart and feel your love . . . push past fears and doubts that will try to pull on you . . . you will be able to feel the beginnings of the Light returning for the Golden Age.

If you’re still enough . . . you’ll feel it start to fill your personal reservoirs again.  Right now is not about convincing others about this . . . it’s about getting yourselves filled up and strong.

You don’t need to worry about others anymore.  I know some of you who have had some extra love energy have been using it to keep others who have been losing theirs . . . but you don’t need to do that anymore.  It’s going to be okay now.  The renewal has started . . . so those who are the most sensitive will be able to pick up and benefit from it right now.  The rest will follow.

The Legions of Light are arriving.  You can let go of the fear and worry that nags at you subconsciously.

funny-turtle-sea-white-zoo-water

 

 

 

When You Can Love Through Your Fear

The people I surround myself with in life, whether they are coworkers, (online) friends, acquaintances, family . . . are some of the most loving people I have ever met.

I’ve found that the most loving people, are often the most creative people I’ve ever met.  They amaze me.

I’ve found that the most creative people, are often the most sensitive people I’ve ever met.

And I’ve found that the most sensitive people . . . are often the most defensive and tend to easily close off from others or shut down on themselves.

I’ve found that closed off people, often feel misunderstood by outsiders.

I’ve found that people who feel misunderstood, often feel alone and isolated in the world.

I’ve found that the ones who feel alone and isolated, often feel a great deal of fear and insecurity.

So I’ve come to understand . . .

That the most loving people . . . are quite often the ones who feel the most alone and heartbroken about the world in which they live, and are quite often the ones who feel the most fearful and insecure.

The lovers, the dreamers, . . . the candlestick makers.

: P

Something else all of these people have in common, is getting in their own way.

Because they are some of the most creative people, they are able to come up with the most creative reasons and excuses for why they can’t do something.  All of them sound totally legit.  Totally understandable.

I’m going to shift gears here for a moment (<– look at me being all considerate and warning you).

In my own personal experiences, when a person is being closed or defensive, in that moment:

  1. They are not usually able to recognize that they are being closed or defensive.
  2. They’re unable to exercise discernment.

How this may appear in a real life situation is by denial (“I’m NOT being defensive!” or “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” or “I don’t know.”) and everything can become a black and white issue.

When you are in defense mode, you are in “prove it” mode.  This leads to using mind/logic/rational only.  Why?  Because what do you think you’re defending?  What are you protecting?

Your heart, your inner core feelers.

If your guard has gone up, you’ve put a wall between the situation and your heart (who you are at your core), in order to protect the most sensitive part of you.

(Btw, in an emergency, where you need to think with a clear head and not your feelers, this separation between head and heart occurs . . . so it’s basically a survival instinct gone amuck.  Doesn’t matter if it’s a fear of being eaten by a bear or if it’s a fear of falling in love . . . the body’s all like NOPE.)

That means your heart doesn’t get to weigh in and practice discernment regarding the truth of the situation or what you TRULY feel about it.  You’re basically running blind.

It’s the areas of your life that you tend to launch into sheer logic/rational about because it’s where/when you tend to close the iron fortress doors in order to protect your heart (and you . . . because this is the part of yourself that you identify with the most).

Are you not doing something because you are afraid of doing it, or are you not doing something because it’s not “time” for it to happen, or are you not doing something because it’s not meant to happen?

When you approach a situation with a closed/defensive stance (and there isn’t a single person who can exclude themselves from this category), you can’t tell the difference.  You need to also be connected to your feelers, your heart, your core self in order to be able to distinguish the way or decision meant for YOU specifically in any given moment.

When you don’t connect to your own feelings and take responsibility for them (whether protecting them, speaking up for them, owning them, acting on them, showing them, sharing them, etc.), then the choices you make in life become based on things that do not support and nurture your heart . . . they only support the mind.  And that is a very cold and unsatisfying life.  Nothing material will ever, ever fill that void.

So back to the peeps in my life.  I love you guys . . . like a LOT.  But you make the most insane and elaborate excuses for why you aren’t happy or why things aren’t working out for you.  It’s ALWAYS something.  Always, always, always something.  I’ve heard (and used) every single imaginable excuse in the existence of all existences.

But that’s all it is . . . an excuse.  An excuse to not challenge or face your fears.  You’re afraid.  That’s all it is.  There aren’t any real obstacles in your way, except you and your fears having tea time.

So what if the worst possible outcome happens?  So what if it doesn’t look or turn out how you thought?

I’ll tell you a little something.  When you do whatever you’re doing with a fully open heart . . . none of that matters.  It doesn’t matter even a single teeny, tiny bit.  It’s all wonderful, it’s all magical, it’s all an adventure that you GET to experience in this existence that we call life.

When you can genuinely smile and giggle, even through your tears and heartbreak . . .

That’s when you’ll know that you’re living with an open heart.

 dog spoon lobster