Just Because You Don’t Believe It Can Happen, Doesn’t Mean It Won’t

I just got done reading an article by The New Yorker called, When It’s Too Late To Stop Fascism, According to Stefan Zweig.  Stefan Zweig (who was Austrian) wrote a memoir called The World of Yesterday which he wrote in essence, according to the author of the article,

For the benefit of subsequent generations, who would be tasked with rebuilding society from the ruins, he was determined to trace how the Nazis’ reign of terror had become possible, and how he and so many others had been blind to its beginnings.

Along the same vein is another article called US Holocaust Museum’s “early warning signs of fascism” sign is going viral.  Which btw, I was hard-pressed to find any signs on the list that aren’t currently taking place.  This is powerful stuff.  It should be a wake up call that we no longer live in the world we thought we did.

There were many times in school that I had sat and wondered what it was like to live through the times of Hitler.  Did they know it?  Was it obvious?  Or at what point did it click for the masses that things had indeed slid sideways?  Being on the “safe” side of history, it was hard for me to imagine.

However, while reading this article, I started to understand what it was like because with it came the understanding that we may be on the verge of repeating history.  I don’t know about all of you, but I did not sit through all of those boring history classes for nothing.  I’m taking notes.

I just want to say here, that I don’t care whether you are in support of Trump or not.  This message is for everyone.  If we can’t figure out how to all get on the same page and put our differences aside, then we may all pay the price.  The things that led to the rise of Hitler and Nazi Germany are eerily similar to the split I see right now between those who do and do not support Trump.  Ignoring the Trump supporters grievances, putting them down, or being self righteous towards them is only helping to pave our way to a mutual hell.

It will help if you’re able to suspend judgement long enough to hear what the author of The World of Yesterday had to say.

Zweig and his colleagues were intellects.  Reading about the things he was doing during the rise of Hitler sounds more like a man who lived during a progressive time, and not during one which would produce the likes of Nazi Germany.  He was “. . . a renowned champion of causes that sought to promote solidarity among European nations.  He called for the founding of an international university with branches in all the major European capitals, with a rotating exchange program intended to expose young people to other communities, ethnicities, and religions.

The more I read the more I could start to see the parallels of the world he described back then and the world we’ve recently been thrown into.  I can feel in me, “it’s trying to happen again.  This is what it felt like.”

Nobody was taking Hitler or his followers seriously.  They considered Hitler an uneducated “beer-hall agitator”.  They didn’t think anything would come of it, “the big democratic newspapers, instead of warning their readers, reassured them day by day, that the movement . . . would inevitably collapse in no time.”  This is exactly what so many of us were thinking during the elections.  We initially weren’t taking Trump very seriously.  There was no way Trump would be the Republican candidate, let alone win, it was ridiculous.  And yet he did.

How did someone like him get so much support?  Well, there was another insight in this article that felt like an echo of what I’ve heard from Trump supporters.  During the elections of 1930, when “support for the party exploded”,

 —from under a million votes two years earlier to more than six million. At that point, still oblivious to what this popular affirmation might portend, Zweig applauded the enthusiastic passion expressed in the elections. He blamed the stuffiness of the country’s old-fashioned democrats for the Nazi victory, calling the results at the time “a perhaps unwise but fundamentally sound and approvable revolt of youth against the slowness and irresolution of ‘high politics.

I’ve heard time and again that many people weren’t voting for Trump but against Hillary.  You’ve also got a large enough group of people who are tired of the political bullshit taking place in our government(s) and were willing to take their chances with someone as off the rails as Trump rather than vote in one more corrupted government official where we would just get more of the same.

Also, if you’re wondering how there are so many people in America who are afraid of Muslims as a whole, then think back through time since 9-11 what message our government has been shoving down our throats about them and then understand that not everyone is able to distinguish between the extremists and the religion as a whole.  The manner in which our government has addressed and handled the entire issue is both childish and shameful as well as a gross misuse of power in which they used it to further their own selfish (disconnected from the people) agendas.

You can’t scare the piss out of a country by taking extreme measures in response to one event and then expect everyone to be so tolerant and understanding of everyone.  “Those are extremists, we must take these insane measures as a result.”  Which is a fear response.  Our government has taught us how to be afraid.  So for me, many of Trump’s supporters are coming from a place of fear that was first and repeatedly modeled by our own government.  Every time I have to take my shoes off at airport security, or get scanned, or patted down, I am reminded to be scared.

I am not a Trump supporter.  But I am also not for putting down Trump supporters.  There are extremists among his supporters, but that does not make the whole group bad.  You know, just like how the Islamic terrorists do not represent the whole of Islam.  Meaning, don’t do to them what you’re accusing them of doing to Muslims.  Slippery slopes ahead.

But regardless of your views on all of this, there is a warning in here that I’m trying to communicate which is further illustrated in this next quote from the article:

Prideful of their own higher learning and cultivation, the intellectual classes could not absorb the idea that, thanks to “invisible wire-pullers”—the self-interested groups and individuals who believed they could manipulate the charismatic maverick for their own gain—this uneducated “beer-hall agitator” had already amassed vast support. After all, Germany was a state where the law rested on a firm foundation, where a majority in parliament was opposed to Hitler, and where every citizen believed that “his liberty and equal rights were secured by the solemnly affirmed constitution.”

I think we’re at least ahead of the game this time in that we’re aware of the invisible wire-pullers.  We see the people that Trump is isolating and surrounding himself with.  At least I *hope* we’re seeing it.  Right?  You’re seeing that?  Okay.  So, what I mean is that while you may not agree with Trump and his people, don’t think they can’t flip the country on it’s head.  And also I think what I’m trying to say is that it doesn’t work simply to be against his supporters.  There needs to be some sort of meeting of the minds, so to speak.  They have fears and concerns and throwing them out into the cold isn’t really in the nation’s best interest.

We need to transcend and do something differently this time.  Maybe be grown ups about it and say, “Hey sorry we haven’t been taking you seriously, can you tell us what’s really going on with you?”  You know?  Like maybe help provide another avenue or solution OTHER then pushing them into the arms of the current Cheeto administration.

Because look at what that last paragraph is saying.  The intellectual classes didn’t quite grasp how much support he had.  The majority of parliament was opposed to Hitler.  Every citizen thought their rights were secured by their constitution.  How well did that work out for the German people and how closely does this fit with where things are at in the US?

Then there was the propaganda spread by the administration:

“. . . in the autumn of 1914, Zweig observed that, at that point, “the world still had power. It had not yet been done to death by the organization of lies, by ‘propaganda.’ “ But Hitler “elevated lying to a matter of course,” Zweig wrote, just as he turned “anti-humanitarianism to law.”

The lies.  So many lies and for so long that it begins to blur and confuse everyone’s senses.  What do you do if you can’t keep straight anymore what is really happening?  How do you know what action to take or who the enemy really is?  There is a definite threat here, and it’s not just Trump.  Removing Trump won’t remove the invisible wire-pullers or what’s currently being put in place behind the scenes.

And then the last part of the article that stood out for me and is in reference to the burning of the national parliament building in Berlin in 1933:

“That fateful conflagration took place less than thirty days after Hitler became Chancellor. The excruciating power of Zweig’s memoir lies in the pain of looking back and seeing that there was a small window in which it was possible to act, and then discovering how suddenly and irrevocably that window can be slammed shut.

So no, we haven’t had a symbolic government building go up in flames, but the emphasis on how small of a window there is to act before it can slam down and we’re all buckled in for the ride of our lives.

What I took from this is that very smart and intellectual people missed the signs leading to Hitler’s rise.  They under-estimated him and his popularity.  There was a web of lies and propaganda.  There were enough people to elect him into office who didn’t feel heard or understood by the stuffy old government or the prideful intellectual communities.  The people who could’ve done something, didn’t do something because they couldn’t believe it possible in their day and age.

I don’t have to wonder anymore how it felt like to live during that time, because I can imagine it to be very much like this.  Now I understand.  Now I get it.  The only problem is that we’re being given these warnings from history (thankfully), but what we don’t have is directions or guidance on how to avoid it or how to do it differently.  What do we do?  How can we take this information being given to us from our ancestors and use it to learn from their mistakes?  How do we break this cycle of violence?  How do we grow up as a whole as a collective and for everyone’s benefit?

I don’t bleeping know.  Is it solely by activism?  What if you’re not an activist type?  To me there is no one answer, but I do believe that we all have talents, skills, things we’re good at that we can somehow put to use to help.  Some people are communicators and share things, some people are the go-getters, the activists.  Some people are the paperwork people and the process people.  You know?  I think the answer is in our diversity and pooling those skills together as a whole to change what’s happening.  What are you good at and how might that be helpful for these times we are in?  Let’s do something different.

power-roots

Ways You Can Deny Your True Self

I often take notes on scraps of paper which then often get shoved into some random book, only to have them fall out at some point in the future, exactly when I need them most.  I’ve always felt like it was past me passing notes to future me.  “I saw this and knew you were going to need it most riiiight now.”

Unfortunately, past me isn’t always in the mood to list the source of the material, which is the case with the scrap of paper I stumbled across a couple of days ago that I wanted to share with you.  I have no idea if it was from a book, a handout, a website . . . no clue.

So just know, this is not mine.  I’ll update this post with the source if I ever find it, but until then I thought it was too valuable to withhold.  This is pretty powerful information if it’s something you don’t know.

It’s titled (on my 1/4 sheet of torn paper that I scribbled this on):

Ways You Can Deny Your True Self and Weaken Your Emotional Boundaries

  • Pretending to agree when you disagree.
  • Concealing your true feelings.
  • Going along with an activity that you really don’t want to do & never stating your preference.
  • Declining to join an activity you really want to do.
  • Pushing yourself beyond your limits.
  • Working too hard for too long.
  • Doing too much for others.
  • Not resting when you are tired.
  • Ignoring your needs.
  • Not eating regular and healthy meals.
  • Insufficient sleep.
  • Too little or too much time alone.
  • Too much or too little exercise.
  • Insufficient contact with people who truly care about you.
  • Insufficient or too many leisure activities.
  • Using chemicals to avoid yourself; drugs/alcohol.
  • Using compulsions to avoid yourself; eating, starving, exercise, work, shopping, spending money, TV, sex, games, sports, etc. that are done to excess.

This was (and still is) mind blowing to me because looking at this list, I’m like . . . I don’t know anyone who isn’t all over the place in extremes in at least a few of these things.  It’s not just that, it’s the accepted way of life.  It is extraordinarily hard to extricate and untangle yourself from these behaviors when there is so much momentum set in keeping it in place.

Anyways – that tis all!  (Btw, with Mars just moving into Gemini & Mercury being there too . . . I suspect there are going to be more posts from me than usual.  Share. Share. Share. 🙂 )

cat-car

Completely Unrelated.

Great Changes Taking Place

So this is a video that I actually uploaded on May 5 that I never posted here.  I had put a timer on for some food I was cooking and also so that I had a set time in which to speak.  This was following the video I did regarding the Nepal Earthquake and there was something I had brought up in that video that I had wanted to expand upon.

I go more into what I meant when I say that we’re thinking too small regarding the challenges we’re currently facing on Earth.  How all of the things escalating are related and interconnected and not just isolated events, from the rise in health issues, violence, war, gmo foods, animal deaths, natural events, etc.

I have so much information in me and I haven’t quite pulled it all together in a cohesive way, and is kind of what is happening on the fly in these videos.  Eventually I’ll have the information more buttoned up and not quite so scattered, but I figure I have to start somewhere. 🙂

The pressure is on everything, both the Earth and Humanity and we’re being pressed into crises mode.  I don’t speak about this in the video, but you start to see what people are really made of when put under a pressure cooker like this.  There are those who are screaming and pointing and blaming everything outside of themselves, and there are those who have gone quiet and gone inward trying to resolve the issues within themselves.

It is my feeling that those who chose to go inward to fix what is wrong in themselves first, are the ones who will begin to rise and become the new leaders of tomorrow, who will know how to truly deal with the challenges we are facing.  Ones who have integrity and strength of character to do what truly needs to happen from a centered and balanced place, instead of being thrown all over the place by ego and immaturity.

It’s no longer becoming acceptable to say that the reason we do things like we do is “because that’s how it’s always been done”.  In times of great upheaval and change, it requires that we question everything we thought we knew and understood about life, and it requires that we change too.  Change is easier when everyone can recognize it for what it is and start pulling together and cooperate as a family, instead of acting like selfish and spoiled little children.

Mother Nature does not give a fuck about how fair you think it is or not.  You don’t talk back to the Momma.

 

What Believing In Self Means To Me

I’ve zeroed in on the moment it happens.  The moment in which I’m interacting with someone and I lose myself.  I need to anchor this in myself so that I can be more aware and lessen how often I do it.

When I am centered and in balance with myself, and I say something to someone from a sincere and open place, and their response sounds like I offended them in some way (here’s that moment) instead of staying solid in what I was actually meaning, feeling, and experiencing when I said whatever I did . . . I instead try to right the misunderstanding.

Which means . . . I end up focusing on their perception of what I meant regarding what I said, instead of what I actually meant.  It only takes me a few moments of trying to do this, trying to explain or understand where the disconnect happened between me and another person, before I lose sight myself of what I had really meant.

After an extended period of time, I’m so focused on how what I say may be mistook by that person or persons, that I am no longer centered in myself and balanced.  I’m actually thinking the way that they think for longer periods of time in an attempt to avoid conflict and hurt.  I start to adopt their attitude and view of life.

It weaves such a tangled and confusing web in my life that I am forced to work through in order to find myself again.  Always swearing with a fierceness and a vengeance that if I ever find my way back to myself again, that I will never, ever, ever do that to myself again.  I get so furious at myself for being such a ding-a-ling.

I’m not thinking that it’s their own darkened perception that they projected onto my words, I’m not thinking that in order for them to see what I actually meant, means they’d have to admit they were wrong as well as own their darkened perception . . . I’m not thinking any of that.  All I’m thinking is, “Oh noes!  That’s not what I meant, I’m so sorry you took it that way (as if I had any control over that) and I’ll do better in the future to communicate myself more clearly!”

I’d say that is a pretty fair example of what it means to be naïve.

What I must integrate and better understand about myself, is to stay in myself with how I know I feel and experience something.  If I said something from a pure place, and I know within myself whether I’m truly doing that or not, there’s no use in lying to myself, then I need to stay strong in that no matter how someone else responds or sees it.

I can’t let other people decide for me what it is that I meant by what I did or said.  I also cannot focus on the distorted way they saw me without risking becoming that distortion.

That more clearly illustrates what it means to me when I say, “I believe in myself.”  It means I’m not believing in other’s distortion or projections of me.  I believe in what I know to be true about me.

I’m reading through this and I can see how it seems a little one sided, like I’m always the innocent one being wronged by others.  That is not true.  I see myself in these other things too.  I started off by saying “When I am centered and in balance with myself”.  The post is describing the moment where I stray, where I lose myself.

Once I’ve gone off the rails, I then fall into the bucket of “other”.  I begin doing those less than desirable things myself.  I would say that the single hardest moment in the healing process, is the moment when you realize that to some degree, at some level . . . you yourself have done the very things that others did that hurt you.

It won’t look the same on the outside at all.  But it’s the realization that the same mechanisms are at play within yourself as well.  It is the most humbling and yet liberating thing I have ever experienced.  The truth really does set you free.

So no, I’m not blind to how these things play out in me as well, but my focus at this time is in being smarter about not going off of the rails in the first place.  The rest of it becomes irrelevant if I stay centered and balanced within myself to begin with.  (I needed to say all of that to balance the energy in the post and in my head.)

Not My Circus

The UnMasking Continues

Yesterday was a really interesting and long day for me.  I got revved up into my Aries fire and it felt like I was getting oxygen into my lungs finally after a long time, but also like getting water to drink after being dehydrated for so long.

While doing the video I felt really solid, strong, and good inside.  Then I watched the video and I was like, “What in the hell is all this?”  What I felt and what it looked like were two completely different things in my mind.

First of all, I was able to hear strain in my voice.  It’s *almost* like a whine.  It’s not my favorite sound.  Because I know what I was feeling on the inside, I understand how it’s still the remnants and traces of the tightening and restriction in my body from trying to stop this kind of expression from coming out of me.

The important part is that it’s starting to come out and find expression, kind of like relieving a pressure valve in me, but being pushed through a very resistant and stubbornly tight tube.  Kind of like when the toothpaste gets so crusted and dried up at the opening of the tube and you have to push the rest of the tube so hard to force it through, that when it breaks through, toothpaste is all over the wall, mirror, . . . no?  Just me?  Anyways 🙂

And like I look and sounded like I was genuinely shaken up inside, like I was working hard to keep myself together . . . and again that’s like the opposite of what I was feeling inside.  I was feeling great!  Like AH!  YEAH!

Also, while talking, I felt like I was staying much more grounded and clear than usual, but hell if I didn’t wander.  I stopped in mid-rant because I saw a white cat with big orange spots walking around the garden across the street and it was so out of place that I completely got distracted with what I was saying.  If that’s not a fine display of Gemini, I don’t know what is.

I would hear myself go into one point and then veer off into another point completely.  While I’m very, very happy to have gotten out the points that I did – I still had a hard time following all of what I was trying to say – and that’s with me knowing what I was trying to say.

I was watching it going, “wait . . . that didn’t make the impact or the point that I was getting at, that ended up sounding like such a non-issue.”  and “wait, you were about to make a good point and you just totally veered off into a non-related thing, wtf Jenn?”

I totally get the people on American Idol now who can’t sing worth shit, but are genuinely surprised when they are told so.  There’s how something goes in your head, and then there’s what actually comes out.  If you’ve never done candid videos of yourself and then watched them back with an open mind, I cannot recommend it enough.  Holy cow.

But just like when watching my other videos, there were also parts that I tend to hide or squelch in me that I really wish I wouldn’t because they are my favorite parts when I do show them.

Also, I talk too fast and run over thoughts too quickly.  I’m like, “this, that, and whatever”.  I’m like, uh, Jenn . . . why don’t you put a little more thought into those examples and list more specific things instead of saying, “x, y, z” for everything.  It’s like I’m trying to make it generic enough to fit whatever other people’s own personal situations are, but I make it so general that the point I’m trying to make gets lost in it.

It is SO Neptune-ie.  Vague, general.  When that’s not what I’m trying to do at all.  I’m trying too hard to make it fit too many situations and scenarios so that people can relate and I’m totally failing in that purpose.  Right?  Because instead of like, “oh I totally relate” it becomes more like, “well . . . I think I can relate . . I mean, I’m not totally sure if she’s referring to the same thing I’m thinking of, but it does remind me of that situation.”

I’m wanting too much to relate and to fit in, while at the same time fighting to not lose my own self and integrity.  I see how I’m still thinking too much about the crowd of fictitious people I think are watching my videos, which pulls me out of myself.

I can’t be centered in myself, being myself, if too much of my focus is hanging outside of my body and yelling back at me how to adjust what or how I say things so that this audience that is really just made up of ghosts from my past, don’t get offended or respond to me in a way that feels hurtful.

I’m trying to be too many things at once instead of just standing tall in myself.

I need to stop being afraid of using specific situations or examples from my life and trying to protect the identity of others in my life.

Here’s the thing.  I want to talk about what I’ve learned and what I’ve noticed in life, and it kind of involves other people in my life.  I’m aware that there’s how I saw and experienced a situation, and then there is how they saw and experienced a situation.  But when I try to tell how I saw and experienced the situation, it sometimes doesn’t paint the other person in a beautiful light.

There is a tendency in our society to focus on *booing* the supposed “bad guy” in a story, instead of paying attention to the point of the story.  When I’m in balance, I do not see others in my life as the “bad guy”, but when I try to tell my stories of what I’ve learned in life, all of the focus becomes on, “oh you poor dear” or “that’s horrible” or “they shouldn’t have done that to you.” which completely misses the point of the story, and it completely leaves me out of it.

It becomes about the other people in my life not being “good” and that is upsetting to me.  I don’t feel it’s fair.  That person has a life and a story to tell as well, and it’s most likely just as sad and upsetting, if not more so than my story.  I’m sure when someone else is telling a story about their life that involves me, I may look like the bad guy in that story.  Do you see how pointless all of it is?

I don’t want what other people did or didn’t do to be the focus of my stories.  They aren’t their stories.  They are mine and they are about how I overcame and triumphed over challenges and obstacles.  Don’t make it about the other person, you know?

And plus, like I love and care about these people, and I know they aren’t perfect – but it’s like I’m not allowed to share my life and my stories because other people’s judgments come in and fluff it all up for me.  I then find myself telling my stories where I’m some sort of victim, and that’s NOT even how I personally experienced the situation.

I again let how society has been conditioned to see situations, influence and overwrite me.

I have come to believe that I had a bad childhood, not because that’s how I experienced it, but because of the reactions and responses I have received from people over the years when I’m just talking about my life.  It paints my life in a darker light.  It then makes it more difficult for me to cope with it.

It ends up causing me more hurt than was necessary.  It forces me to see the world with less love in it.  I start to feel bad and guilty for loving my parents and my exes.  I get painted as being naïve and stupid for not knowing better.  I become this frail and damaged person.  “Poor thing, she doesn’t even know how damaged she is.”

Do you know why kids are so resilient?  Because they aren’t focused on the fact that they’re being wronged.  They see through the eyes of love.  If we didn’t make so many things SO HEINOUS and so disgusting and evil and go on and on and on about it and how we have to punish the evildoers doing this to our children and using children as a platform to punish other human beings . . . then children wouldn’t be so fucking traumatized about the things they go through.

They are naturally understanding and naturally forgiving.  They don’t want to be the source or used as the reason to prosecute and harm other humans, no matter what their crime is.

So in my stories about my life, you will notice an absence of me saying anything specifically about who did what to me, exactly for this reason.  To protect them from other’s unfair judgments and in making my story more about them than about me.  And the times that I did try to mention something specifically, I regretted it with every fiber of my body.  I hated that I did it and I hated the feelings it brought up afterwards.

Like I said . . . it influences me.  I start thinking less of my loved ones than I did before, and that makes me feel less about myself because that’s not how I think and that’s not how I am.  I don’t see the world like that.

Omg . . . I didn’t even realize that that is why I am so afraid to speak up or express myself.  (Having a toothpaste on wall moment.)

I love my dad.  He’s not perfect.  He’s a man from the Appalachian Mountains, who are regarded as the smallest minority group in the United States (even though they are white).  They are poor and they are humble.  It’s the general area where Dolly Parton is from, so if you’ve seen her story about her earlier life, you’ll have a good idea of the kind of life he comes from.  They work hard, they have little.

He has a temper.  Things got broken in the house growing up.  There was a lot of yelling.  There was a lot of things that went on that weren’t necessarily cool, and no a lot of it should not have happened to me.  But I love my dad.  I see the soul inside.  He’s a good man, who got hurt at a young age and got covered up in other people’s darkness.

I love my mom.  She’s not perfect.  She comes from a more proper family.  Good manners, proper grammar, no elbows on the table kind of family.  She didn’t necessarily know the struggles my dad knew when growing up, so it’s harder for her to understand where he was coming from.  His more raw and rugged ways were harder for her to handle because she didn’t have so much of a resilience to how hard life can truly be, when they had first met.

She was what a person would call naïve or not very street smart, she didn’t know how to handle the darker side of life . . . and so life kept coming  at her with darker and darker things the more she tried to run away from it, the more she tried to deny that she had those same tendencies within herself.  She held tightly to my light to keep the darkness away from her, choking the life out of me in the process.  Not intentionally.  Not knowingly.  Not maliciously.  But because she was so afraid, she couldn’t see through the darkness to the truth.

Told in stories from my perspective, they will appear on the surface to be the bad guys.  They are not the bad guys.  They are people, human beings . . . not monsters.

The “bad” people in our lives, are just human beings with painful stories of their own.  It doesn’t excuse their behavior, it doesn’t mean they don’t have to suffer the consequences . . . but it does not mean that they need to be demonized.  It does not mean that they don’t deserve to be seen through the eyes of love and with compassion.  They are already living in a hell of their own within their own skin, the last thing they need is anyone else’s judgment on them.

Discernment . . . discernment is another thing entirely.  It’s good to be aware of another person’s tendencies.  Be aware of whether their actions are hurtful to you or not, and if they are, to take the necessary steps to remove yourself from harm’s way.  Be aware of your own tendencies.  What is leading you to people who behave as they do?

I use discernment to decide whether it’s best that I cut someone out of my life or not.  It has NOTHING to do with whether I love or care about them.  If someone is blind to their subconscious actions, then they are going to continue hurting me without meaning to.  Therefore, in order to not let something keep going until I start to hate the person for hurting me over and over, I have to find the strength to push them out of my life.  They may think it’s because I don’t care or don’t love them, but that is not true.  I cry all of the time for the loss of the people I’ve had to push out of my life for these reasons.

They are so lost in fear and blind to themselves and what they do and how it impacts and affects others, that I am forced to make the painful decision to not have them in my life.  It hurts me.

But . . . in order to not turn into them as I grow older, I also have to learn to forgive this hurt and let it go too.  Which means, I can’t be seeing them as the bad guys.  When you’ve healed from your pain, the world looks vastly different.  It’s not filled with potential people who are going to hurt you, it’s filled with human beings who aren’t perfect but who are trying to find their way the best they can.  It’s filled with people desperate to find love and wanting to feel better, and are going about it in the many creative ways that humans can.  Some think they’ll get better with money, with sex, with a high position, with being a healer, being a parent . . . all the many ways we seek to find our way back to our innocence and to home.  Always trying to find our way back home.

I’m ever hopeful that I’ll find others who are willing to put in the hard work to push through the darkness that covers them so that they can bring themselves back into awareness about who they really are, so that I don’t have to continue pushing people out of my life . . . so that I don’t have to be alone.

*This* is what my story is really about.  I’m wanting to find fellow playmates . . . friends . . . who have found themselves and who don’t unintentionally hurt me and who I can be myself around because my way of being doesn’t offend them because they are seeing me from a place of love instead of from a place of fear.

eight-year-old-version-our-self

The Magical Place Called Healed: A Tale of the Journey to the Land of True and Lasting Joy and the Treacherous Path That Leads The Way


True healing takes discipline.  It takes dedication, sincerity, and courage.  Strength.  Similar to exercise, you only get out of it what you put into it.

I am referring to mental, emotional, psychological healing, although I imagine that extreme physical rehabilitation, such as learning how to walk again, is a very similar journey.

From my teens into my late twenties I struggled with severe depression and anxiety.  I also had Complex PTSD (C-PTSD), which is not an official recognized mental disorder according to the American Psychiatric Association, but I feel that is to do with technicalities in definition and nothing to do with whether it exists or not.  As I tried to figure out what was wrong with me that made it nearly impossible to function as a contributing member of society, I also ran into suggestions from specialists of being on the autistic spectrum, being a highly sensitive person, potentially bi-polar, and I was officially diagnosed with ADD.

I had my first nervous breakdown at 19.  I was already a divorced single mom.  My son’s dad (ex-husband) was already gone by then, and never did return despite the joint-custody agreement, and so in my mind I didn’t have the luxury of falling apart.  My son was still just a baby and needed me.  I truly believe that I still exist in this world today due to him, because he gave me a solid reason to not give up.  Through the years, no matter how shattered I was in pain, no matter how desperate my situation . . . and there were many of those . . . never did I reach a state where I could abandon my son to this world and leave him alone.

But I lived in hell within myself.  Daily I was tortured.  There were years where I was just trying to survive from minute to minute.  Breathe Jenn . . . take another breath.  Now do it again.  Again.

In my late twenties, as I hit my Saturn Return, it felt like my entire physical, mental, & emotional being hit a brick wall (which is very Capricorn/Saturn-like).  It was triggered when my son, who was just turning 12 at the time, spent a week in the hospital for suicide watch.  (I also had Pluto transiting my MC/Midheaven.)

I had only thought I suffered before that.  What followed next had me begging for the days I knew before.

I had thought that I had worked hard enough, suffered, and sacrificed myself enough, to spare my son the same pain that I lived in.  But I was given a wake up call and shown just how very wrong I was as I sat there in shock signing papers to admit him into the hospital.  Everything I thought I knew and understood about life got flipped upside down that night.

I had barely been making it, but as long as my son was doing well and thriving, I could handle it.  But he wasn’t doing so well, was he?  Now what?  I had no guidance or manual for what to do.  I had done everything I knew to get this far . . . where did I go from there?

We had just gotten new kittens the week before . . . Raven and Gir.  They were from a shelter and they were both temporarily on antibiotics that I had to give.  I remember when first returning home after they admitted my son, trying to pull myself together enough to make sure the kittens got their medicine.  I couldn’t handle anymore bad news, anymore feelings of loss, or being out of control and so it felt like at least with this I had control of something.

So I put into them, focused on them the care and love and kindness I was needing myself.  They became my focal point, my anchor, to keep my shit together while I tried to make sense of my newly shattered world.  To those of you who are regular readers, you’ll remember that it was this time last year almost to the day . . . that I got that fateful call from the vet to hear that my Raven girl was in stage 4 renal (kidney) failure and died shortly afterwards on May 5th.  Cinco de Mayo.  Perhaps it makes a little more sense now why that was so devastating to me.  She came into my life the week before everything I knew fell to pieces and was the glue that held me together through the next 7 years.

But what she did was start the process of removing that same focus from my son, and helped me transition from using him as an anchor and reason for living . . . to finding that anchor and reason for living within myself so that my son would be free to go live his own life without me falling apart or losing my reason to live.  This last year since her death is the first year without my training wheels.  My first year of trying to live for my own sake and not the sake of my mother, or my son, or any substitute outside of me  And it’s been hard.

That first night that I came home after admitting my son into the hospital for the first time, I remember being in a daze.  I also remember calling my consciousness to me so that I didn’t black out.  I had already gone through so much discipline trying to pull myself together to be the best mom I could despite being so broken inside.  I had already learned to not run from the pain, to not run from whatever situation was unfolding in front of me.  I had enough faith in myself and the universe to know that this was all happening for a good reason, even if I didn’t understand what that reason was.  I knew instinctively that this was a blessing in disguise, and so I took a deep breath and with eyes wide open . . . I walked straight into my pain to see what message waited for me there.

And as I said, it was like walking into a brick wall.  In a flash I saw visuals of images from throughout my life, I heard all of the things said in my childhood that never quite made any sense, I felt the repressed and suppressed (one is done consciously, one is not) feelings and emotions that had led me to that moment right there.  I was in a flurry of scenes, sounds, and feelings and all of the connections between them that summed up the root causes of my pain and suffering.  Including a therapist who my mom had taken me to when I was 8 years old and was so frustrated with me because I refused to cooperate and take his questions seriously (I honestly had no idea what he was trying to get me to talk about), told me that if I didn’t deal with the things I had been through then one day when I was about 30 it was all going to come out at once and I’d have to deal with it then.  Which I thought, and may have even said, that’s good . . . I’ll deal with it then.

So there I was, around age 30, and all of this stuff suddenly unlocked in me.  I then knew why it had to be like that, why it had to wait until I was older.  All of these things were too much for a young girl to handle and process.  They were beyond little girl me.  I had to build enough life experience, as well as build enough emotional strength and discipline just to reach the point of being able to handle knowing and remembering what little girl me went through.

Only then could the real healing process begin.  I cracked wide open.  I went through the “My whole life has been a lie” period where the very foundation of your life gets ripped from underneath you and you don’t have anything solid to anchor or orient your life to.  And it’s not that my life had been a lie necessarily, but little girl me was incredibly creative and resourceful and so she painted my life in the way that she needed to in order to survive until she was strong enough to face it and heal from it.

The next couple of years were the hardest of my life.  It felt like I had acid burning and running through my veins 24/7.  I felt like someone had peeled my skin off of my body and my nerves were completely exposed to the elements.  I was in overwhelming, excruciating physical pain.  The diagnosis being batted around at that time were things like Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  I reached a point of not being able to walk.  I had to use a cane for a little while.  Mentally I was pushed into moments of true insanity from the toll of everything.

I used to be concerned with my sensitivities, such as seeing visuals and hearing things, etc. that I might be crazy.  But I am VERY clear now that there is a big difference between true insanity and being sensitive (or psychic if you wish), although there is a thin line between the two if you are not on top of your shit.  I cannot emphasize enough how foolish it is to try and force that state for recreational purposes without some sort of discipline, or training, guidance, and a healthy dose of respect for what you are doing.  I never needed drugs to have those experiences, and during the periods where I temporarily lost those abilities, I can understand why people do use drugs to reach it . . . there’s a kind of desperate feeling of being disconnected from Sprit.  It’s horrible.  In my current understanding of things, it is the root cause of all addictions.  Trying to regain connection with Spirit.  Whether drugs, sex, alcohol, etc.  It temporarily opens you back up in your body and allows that connection to take place, and it feels so good because that is more of our natural state.

When you become overwhelmed with hurt and pain (guilt, shame . . . choose your poison), that connection starts to dim and gets covered up and you start to never feel good.  So then you start to use artificial things to try and help you feel good such as food, shopping, reading, partying, drinking, etc.  But it never sticks . . . it never stays.  Why?  Because you’re trying to shortcut straight through your pain and hurt without actually dealing with the issues.  Which brings me back to:  True healing takes discipline.  It takes dedication, sincerity, and courage.

Do you want to continue depending solely on temporary fixes for fleeting moments of feeling good, or are you willing to put in the hard work and dedication needed to make the feeling permanent and long lasting?  Because I’m here to tell you, I don’t care what label or diagnoses has been laid at your feet, I don’t care how bleak or hopeless you think your cause is . . . it can be overcome.  I have overcome many supposedly impossible things.  I have personally walked this road.  There is a way through.  You are not doomed to your diagnosis.  You are not doomed to suffer the rest of your life.  You have a choice.  It’s not easy, and not everyone is at a stage in their life where they have the strength to take this journey.  But knowing the universe like I do based on observations and personal experience, if you’ve found your way into my life . . . to my words . . . then you are at that stage.  You have what it takes to find your way through.

In every generation, there are the pioneers and those that lead the way to something new.  Like the pioneers who went west in the early US.  Their life was hard.  Many died trying to make the journey.  They suffered and paid a great price just for the opportunity for a better life.  With those first few, came a few more.  Then railroads, roadways, airplanes.  Now how hard is it to reach the West?  How much does a person have to sacrifice and suffer to access it?

This is the same.  It is the unknown, and so it seems dark and scary.  We make a bigger monster out of it as a whole, because it scares us.  What current average person isn’t scared of a Psycho or Socio Path?  Who doesn’t cringe and start backing away slowly from Schizophrenia and Bi-Polar?  Who doesn’t look at Autism as being a shame and in some form tragic?  How many look down upon addicts or mental patients?  Do you see our learned attitude about these things?  Yes psychology has made great leaps in mental/emotional health, but it is still not being seen for what it truly is and so the solution is equally difficult to see.

We hurt and we suffer because something is out of balance or not right.  When it’s something that is out of balance or not right in the culture or society as a whole, it emerges as mental disorders and diseases.  If it is increasing each year, a false belief or something not aligned with natural law, is spreading or worsening.  And for as long as the group insists on running from the truth instead of actually dealing with the things they should be dealing with in the way they should be dealing with it, openly and honestly, instead of being distracted by nonsense and bullshit . . . it will continue to worsen before it gets better.

It worsens and spreads until there isn’t a single person that isn’t affected by it in some way.  Until people can no longer say, “Everything is fine.”  Until people are suffering from it so much, and after trying everything they can currently think of that is allowed within the current paradigm of thinking, it eventually leads them to a place where they’d do anything in order to make it alright again.  Including praying, maybe for the first time in their life.  Swallowing their pride.  Being humbled.  Realizing maybe they don’t know everything, maybe they don’t have as much control over things as they thought.  In those moments a person either opens their heart or they snap completely.  Have you noticed the increase in people losing their shit in recent years?  We are at that breaking point both as a collective and as individuals.

We are in uncharted territories.  We cannot currently rely on outer authority to help truly navigate these waters because the authorities aren’t *out there* yet . . . they are just now coming into being.  They are being shaped, formed, and refined as we speak, by the very horrors our world is being forced to live through.  These are not individual sins we are dealing with, they are collective sins.  Things that over generations of time, individuals let get so out of hand instead of dealing with them, that they are now all of our problems.  But at the same time it’s all we’ve ever known and so we’re blind to them.

We are the modern day pioneers, and our unknown territory is the human psyche.  To be a true pioneer, you must have a warrior heart.  You must find the strength and courage to walk alone.  You must be an adventurer, you must be curious.  You must be sincere.  You must do it for something bigger than you.  It can’t just be for you alone, or you won’t find the needed strength and motivation to get through the darkest nights.  You have to take calculated risks and chances.  You have to be willing to keep going and trying no matter how many of your ideas fail or don’t work out.  You have to risk looking a fool and being made fun of.

You have to be willing to let yourself crack open and fall apart.  You have to be willing to let go of everything you believed to be true up until that point.  And not in an endless mindless woe is me way, but consciously.  What do I mean by that?

Imagine you have before you a path of burning coals, and you just happened to be barefoot.  The bed of coals before you is only about 10 feet in length.  It’s too far for you to jump, and suddenly there’s a wall behind you and two walls alongside you and the path.  You must walk barefoot over the path.  This is very much what it’s like when having to face down one of your inner demons which are like the gatekeepers that test you to see if you’re allowed to pass through or if you need to repeat some lessons.  Your choices are to stand there for eternity making the same mistakes, or start learning how to walk on fire and burn the darkness out of you that clouds and weighs you down with burden.  When I say consciously, I mean you purposefully and intentionally step onto those burning coals and you let whatever sensation you feel, come through you without trying to fight it or make it stop.  Let it happen.

You do not close your eyes, you do not try to pretend you are somewhere else, you do not run.  It is a decision, a resolve deep inside that you will do whatever it takes to make your way through.  And as you take each step, and you initially feel that excruciating burn, you use the only resource you have at your disposal and that is your internal guidance.  You must stay aware and breathing and open in order to know what needs to be done.  If you panic, if you let yourself freak out about your situation in any way, you make it that much worse for yourself.  That much more painful.  You have to walk the coals anyways, so you might as well figure out a way to endure it.

Because something happens in a human when they are tested to this degree and they are not so rigid that they break.  A transformation takes place.  Blocks, things that are stuck, worn out beliefs, things that are not true . . . are forced from the person’s being.  In that situation, you have no room or time for ANY bullshit because you need everything you have to focus on what’s happening in that moment.  When you refuse to run and you refuse to black out or lose consciousness or awareness, you give the darkness no choice but to flee because that’s where the burning and pain comes from.  It forces it to leave, and then you are left with only what is real and pure . . . You.  And I promise you, when the last of what isn’t true leaves you, the pain and suffering within you will cease.  You will have learned the firewalker’s secret for walking over burning coals without being harmed.

It can happen quickly, within moments.  It could happen slowly over years.  It depends on a number of things, but mostly on how resistant you are to let go of what you think you know and what you believe to be true that isn’t actually true.  How stubborn, how prideful are you?  How open are you to learning?  How much does it mean to you that what you believe is right be right?  And suffering for years walking over the burning coals does not earn you extra brownie points.  It should not be considered a badge of honor.  “Yeah, I’ve suffered 20 years longer than you, so I am probably wiser than you about these things.”  Uh.  No.  That’s not how it works.  If you haven’t started to find your way out, if you haven’t continued to get closer to that state of peace and happiness in you for longer periods of time through (what seems like) superhero efforts, then you’re doing something greatly in error and you’re the last person I or anyone should be taking advice from unless we wish to learn how to be perpetually stuck.  It’s not something to be ashamed of either, because this is a fluffing hard ass path to take . . . but it takes more than just walking it to truly understand where you are and what’s going on.

To get more out of this path, you have to walk slowly, purposefully, and consciously.  The point is not to simply get past it and then recover, because it is not the only fire pit that you will be facing on this journey.  And it’s also not the point of the fire pits.  When you’ve truly learned through personal experience the point of them, and you put in the hard work it takes to slowly, consciously, and open-heartedly walk across them to the point that you not only stop fearing them, but look forward to them . . . then you will have begun to reach the place I call Healed.  Being whole within yourself.

It is a state of grace.  It is when a human is re-centered properly in themselves and they are able to hold open and stay in connection with their Spirit, Soul, as well as the Divine . . . at all times.  It is a life without fear, a life without addiction, and no longer being a slave to your senses or ego.  From that state you live and know the Truth and nature of things.  Your eyes and ears are wide open, your heart is wide open and you are fully protected and safe.  You know in the deepest depths of your being that you are okay . . . you are safe.  It’s beyond faith, beyond knowing you are safe and protected, beyond praying, hoping, and wishing you are protected . . . you are in the active state of always being safe and protected.  It’s not even a topic of discussion or a question in your mind.  It would be like asking if there is still oxygen in the air for your lungs . . . it gets to that level of silly.

The world, the physical world around you, literally shimmers as golden light.  And when you zoom your focus in on it, you see . . . you feel . . . you know . . . it’s conscious light.  You understand creation at a whole new level that you cannot see, cannot experience, and cannot know while you insist on staying small, hurt, and broken.

So if you haven’t reached that place, if you haven’t experienced that state of being while conscious and awake in your human body . . . then you are not done yet.  You have not reached the place you seek and you must keep going.  Keep trying, keep growing, keep learning.  Learn about love, learn about truth, learn about who you really are inside and not what you’ve been led to believe.  You are not doomed to suffer your whole life, not if you truly, genuinely, and sincerely are done with it.  You are not cursed and you are not fated to be miserable because of any set of circumstances that have or will happen in your life.  You can overcome.  You will have restrictions, you will have challenges, but they are there to strengthen your weaknesses that are needed in order to successfully navigate this journey . . . not to punish you.

There is so much more to life than what we’ve been taught . . . in fact Life doesn’t truly begin until you reach that place.  It’s worth all of the hard work and frustration.  Not only is it worth it, it’s what is needed most right now.  The more people who make this journey and reach the desired destination, the easier it will be for others to reach it as well.  The more people who reach it, the more support we all have, the stronger we become, and then the easier it will be for others to make the journey when their time comes.  Before you know it, people will be able to fly airplanes there.  😀

Can you imagine such a world, such a future?  Where we are healed and whole both as individuals and as a species?  What could humanity accomplish in such a world?

What if all you were asked to do in this life to play a part in bringing that future about, was to find the courage, strength, and faith to truly heal yourself.  To overcome your circumstances and to rise from the ashes?  To find it in you to overcome, to do what they said couldn’t be done.  To become a firewalker?

Velveteen Rabbit

But Seriously, I’m Just Happy To Be Here :)

Waking up yesterday to the first full day of spring, I was really feeling the Sun’s move into Aries.  I was reminded of the core, base foundation of what Aries/Mars energy is.  The will . . . nay, the want to live.  Aries energy/vibration/frequency is what tells things, “It’s time to be born.”

It’s what motivates grass to grow and flower blossoms to bloom and tree leaves to bud.  It’s what tells babies to be born and the mind when an idea’s time has come.  “Now . . . now is the time.”  It’s not something you think about or contemplate.  That happened while in the womb, while in the dirt, while things were planning to come into existence in the physical vibration.  That is Pisces/Neptune.

No, Aries energy comes as the most basic instinct.  It is the “I want” feeling that comes from your root/base chakra.

Now, everyone has different expressions of this energy.  You can have Mars in any of the 12 zodiac signs in your chart, and you could have Aries in any of the 12 houses in the zodiac depending on the time you were born.  It’s like putting on a costume for Mars.  “Today, Mars is wearing the latest fall fashion of Sagittarius Couture.  In this very free spirited outfit, he tends to seek out dangerous adventures in the wild jungles of booga booga.”

But no matter how you express it, at it’s core, it is still our will to live.  It is the energy that brought you into this world, and it is the energy that pushes you to live life to the fullest.  Or not.

I was blessed (or not) with a buttload of this energy.  (Omg, Jenn, we KNOW!)  Well, for those of you new to the site, I have an Aries Rising/Ascendant, South Node Aries, Eris (rising), and Mars & Venus both in Aries.  I also have additional planets in the 1st house (the house of Self, Aries/Mars) that still more emphasizes my Aries/Mars energy even though they aren’t in the sign Aries.  Mercury, Chiron, & Sedna.

Do you remember back in school, how there were always those kids who seemed too stupid to know that they weren’t supposed to like school?  They were like teacher’s pets and all, “Ohh Ohh, pick me, pick me, I know the answer!” and doing all of their homework, etc.?

So that’s kind of what all of this Aries/Mars/1st house energy did to me in regards to life.  I’m all:

"I'm just happy to be here!"

“I’m just happy to be here!”

And the rest of society looks at me exactly how everyone looks at teacher’s pets, with disdain and disgust.  It is embarrassing, people.  I feel this joy bubble up in me (because as if my 1st house wasn’t enough, I also have Sun/Jupiter in Gemini. . . the energy of 100 white hot suns . . . if the suns were all great big kids – and also Neptune/Moon in Sagittarius . . . which is *the* optimist of the zodiac), and I am genuinely revved up and ready to get out there into life and make it happen!  Let’s DO this!  Woooo!

I am sincerely SO  HAPPY  JUST TO  BE  HERE! (On the inside)  But uh . . . I do not find a lot of people who share my enthusiasm for life, and there’s a point where my joy can just start to look like I’m being an insensitive asshole.  I want to fit in you guys.  I do NOT want to be *that* guy.  So if someone is all “God, life just fucking sucks.”  I’m joyously responding, “God, seriously!  Why does life have to suck so much?”  {Big grin . . . oh wait, I’m doing that wrong . . . furrow forehead}

"Am I doing it right?  Do I look more angry about life?"

“Am I doing it right? Do I look more angry about life?”

Okay, now I’m just shamefully (I *want* to say shamelessly) posting old pics of myself from a time before life took me down another couple hundred notches, so that I can feel better about myself.  These are about ten years old, (50 in single mom years).  Actually this is kind of fun.  I feel like I’m sharing an old friend of mine with you, because I am definitely not that girl anymore.  Okay one more with more of my Aries direct stare:

Then a few years later after shit really started to hit the fan for me (oh hi Saturn return) and weight gain, hair loss . . .

Jenn 2008

. . . oh, but wait, I’m still smiling.  (What the hell, Jenn?)  Okay . . . hold on I’m going to find one where I’m not smiling like a loon . . . ok I only have one I can immediately find and in this pic my family was camping and it was as hot as hellfire and I was so miserable I was ready to kick mother nature’s ass, and my mom thought that would be a great time to grab the camera.  I’m with my giant brother, Louis (I’m 5’9″ and he’s scrunching down to fit into the picture.  He’s like 10 feet tall or something like that.)

Me_Louie_2008

Anyways, I have unquenchable curiosity, and so I wanted to know why people don’t want to be here or to be alive.  So I went marching down that road head first like a spazzed out Alice.  Although instead of curiouser and curiouser, I was saying wtf? wtf?  What is wrong with you people?

No, that was a genuine question.  I wanted to know because something *had* to be wrong for them to be so unhappy to be here.  Okay, well, wait – I was *also* wondering what I was doing wrong because I was obviously missing some life memos.

Subject: Re: Don’t tell Jenn, but here’s intel that explains why you should *not* be happy about life.

Let’s face it, it is not cool to want to be alive, is it?  How ridiculous is that?  You are here–>  (red dot on life map)  The only way to un-be here is to “die”.  When that happens was pre-arranged before you came here, soooo you shouldn’t be focused on that and you certainly shouldn’t be trying to make it happen before then.  That totally misses the point of being here.

That’s like waiting in line for 4 hours to get onto the Space Mountain ride at Disneyland, and then cussing and bitching and moaning the entire time you’re on the ride.  Well, then why in the hell did you come?  Jesus people.  You know this is temporary right?  This is like a short ride.  It’s not REAL existence.  We are all pretending it is, but you guys are pretending a little too well and the “It’s a small world” ride has turned into a horror movie with creepy circus music playing in the background.

So I was looking at old astrology reports I had purchased on a site like back in 2009, because I like to see how far off the rails I’ve gone with how I see my chart.  Reading your own chart, over time, can be a bit like the telephone game where you say one sentence to the first person, and by the 15th person the message has gone from “I like toast” to “French whores smell not so great.”

It was a Life Purpose Report.  That sounds like a pretty useful thing to know.  So it had this to say:

With Saturn in Leo, your mission is to let your inner light shine, freely and joyfully expressing your multiple creative talents. When your creative expression comes directly from your heart, you inspire others to ignite their own creative spark. Ultimately, you are here to be a leader, brightening the planet with your unique vision and the pure joy of your being.

Having fun and creatively expressing yourself aren’t the worst cosmic assignments, but with Saturn in Leo, embracing the pleasure principle does not come easily. Saturn’s sign shows your fears, blocks and challenges based on childhood experiences or family background. With Saturn in Leo, your natural exuberance and creativity may have been squashed at an early age.

Saturn in Leo adults often feel like they didn’t get to be children, that they had to grow up and take on responsibility at a young age. You may feel like you never learned how to have fun. Your work is to become more like a child, fully engaged in the present moment and openly expressing your thoughts and feelings.

As Leo rules the heart, Saturn in Leo can indicate a wounded or broken heart early in life.

baby

Do you hear that people?  Squashed.  All of that enthusiasm you see in me?  That is a squashed version.  That’s right, I have been holding back.  (Oh dear god no.)

But seriously?  (Haha . . . Saturn is super serious.) My job is to find and express my inner child?  That.is.cool.  But you know what, I bet I signed up for that job thinking it would be easy, before I came down here to a bunch of whiners and dicks who feel like they’re too good to join in on life and actually, god forbid, be seen shamelessly enjoying themselves!  : )

I’m just messing, I love you guys.  But seriously . . . lighten up.  I’ve got a job to do here and you’re not making it very easy.

My House My Rules

Hey you know what?  I remembered something very important to me today.  So like if I say something that is true for me in a state of centeredness or true deep joy, and someone shows up in my sphere of existence and is in a very unhealthy self absorbed way and mistakes what I was actually saying . . . like there’s not a fluffing thing I can do about it.  There’s what I was actually experiencing and feeling, and then there’s the unhealthy person’s projection on me.  No matter how self conscious or responsible I try to be in what I say, people are going to take the most innocent things and warp and twist that shit into something it’s not and try to hand it to me as “truth”.

There are so many complexities that are not being taken into consideration when they do that.  There is how something feels and is experienced when your heart is opened, and then there’s the darker and heavier version of someone who is shut down or collapsed into themselves.  You can’t take someone’s open hearted flow of words and apply closed heart logic to it and call it truth or fair.  If you’re closed, whether you wish to admit it or not, you are not going to understand what I’m really meaning or saying so you can just shut the hell up and get off my site.  I have this many –> 0 fucks to give you.

I’ve done said that if you think your shit don’t stink then you can GTFO and I mean it.  I’ve had it with you narcisstic self absorbed, NO INTEREST in actually getting your life and shit together, endless excuse it’s never my fault, irresponsible for your own self and choices, I’m just interested on looking like I know what I’m talking about, false humility mother fuckers.  Fuck you.

You make it hard for people to tell the difference between genuine people and people who are just fronting.  You confuse the youth from understanding the difference between going through the motions and actually feeling and living it.  You spread falseness like a disease.  You waste people’s time, energy, and resources with your bullshit.  Good people.  People who are genuine and don’t deserve that kind of treatment.  Shame on you!

Wanting everything to be “fair”.  Wanting your bullshit to be treated as fair and equal as someone else’s genuineness?  How about no.  When you’re standing in genuineness, bullshit is pretty damn obvious . . . but when you’re standing in bullshit, you think everyone is standing in bullshit and not anymore “right” than you and therefore you’re equal.  Well, it’s not!  No matter how much you want to be in the right and don’t want to let the truth into your fractured and distorted reality, it doesn’t mean that it gets to be right and forced as a truth.

But Jenn, what makes you think you’re not doing that right now?  Because I know what both sides look like because I DID the real and hard work of taking an honest look at myself.  That shit has taken over a decade of hiding myself away from the world and moving through excruciating self honesty and not letting myself get away with ANY bullshit and taking responsibility for myself and everything going on in my life, even when it wasn’t actually my fault.

I didn’t sit there proclaiming to the world around me how I was taking care of myself and doing right by me and how I don’t need no man and the million of things people say trying to convince themselves that they’re actually taking action for their lives when they’re not.  Because when you really are doing what needs to happen to pull your life together, you don’t have time, energy, or even a fuck to give about how other people see you or what they’re thinking about you.  You are heads down and actually taking care of shit, not talking about it.

If this is something that you really have done in your life, then you are not going to have a single issue with me or what I say.  You aren’t going to have a need to “call me out”.  You are going to have compassion and understanding of others and not be so quick to judge.  You give people chances even if they don’t deserve it.  You actually care, not by meaningless words but by an energy that emits from you that people who are closed up and blind can’t feel or detect even if their life fucking depended on it.

If you haven’t done this work, you could stand to shut up and listen to those of us who have.  You might actually learn something.

 Scratchy Bleedy

A Tale Of The Kitties And The Moon

Have you ever tried to get a cat (or any animal for that matter) to see or notice the moon in the sky?  It’s an exercise in futility.  They look at your finger, they look at the window, they may even look outside, but nothing you do can get them to see and comprehend this big white blob so plainly in the sky.  It is outside of their awareness and so to them it does not exist.

Even if they did look at it, they wouldn’t necessarily ponder it.  They wouldn’t think it was anything more than what it appeared to be.  It’s a flat light that moves across the sky.  A big fat so what?  Why are you making such a big deal out of something so ordinary?  Sometimes a flat light in the sky is just a flat light in the sky, it doesn’t always have to mean something deeper.

God, humans!  Making things so much more complex than they really are.  {kitty eye roll}

kitty rainbow

What would happen to little kitty’s head if he knew what it really was?  It would probably explode because it goes too far beyond his current comprehension.  He would have to slowly build up to that realization by starting off with something much more common and at his level.  He would have to be led slowly and patiently step by step to help his mind connect from where it is now, to where it needs to be in order for the Truth about that white light in the sky to make any kind of sense to him.

Really, his head wouldn’t explode.  He just wouldn’t believe it.  If he’s stubborn enough and not open to learning or is too afraid, he may even deny it and fight against that ideology to the end of his days.  Grumpy cat.  Hell, he might even start a war over it.  Little kitty sized tanks with little kitty sized helmets.  Setting catnip ambushes.

Catnip High

Or maybe he would tell anyone who believed differently than him, that they’re an idiot or gullible and would believe anything.  He might come to the wrong conclusion and then normalize it.  “It’s just a goddamn hole in the sky, and everybody needs to get over it!”  Maybe one day he gets curious and secretly starts investigating it and becomes one of the kitty conspiracy theorists who is weighing the alternative and less popular belief that the moon is made of cheese and is actually the Overlord of the mice who are waiting for the right time to rise up and take down the kitties.

people need me

Now imagine, as humans, watching all of this unfold.  Just sitting on the sidelines with our buckets of popcorn.  We know what it is.  We even *tried* to tell the kitties what it was.  But did they listen?  Noooo, they knew better.

Some of the kittens believe us.  They know.  They are still open to things greater and bigger than themselves and so they’re able to stretch their awareness and imagination wide enough to allow for the moon to be what it is and not try to make it less or different than what it is.  They think grown up kitties are just playing a big game and pretending to not know what the moon is.  Adult kitties are so silly and the kittens make promises to each other that they won’t be like that when they get older.

cat moon

How hard would it be for an adult kitty to convince one of us that the moon is only a flat light in the sky and nothing more?  How long would it take for the kitty to break down at our “stubbornness” and refusal to see it his way?  How long before he would start throwing insults like we’re just being close-minded and think we know it all?  Telling us we think we’re SOOOO special.  Telling us that nobody really knows the answer and therefore we’re all at the same level and playing field.  We’re all the same.  We’re all equal.  He knows just as much as us.

o.O

To us humans, the accusations and ranting wouldn’t even make sense.  You can’t argue it because it’s nothing to do with the reality of the situation.  A human baby is not any less than a human adult, but that doesn’t mean that you make the human baby apply to college and start a job right out of the womb for crying out loud.  They are not the same.  They are not equal no matter how much kitty wants them to be.  There is nothing wrong with not being equal.  That is not the fundamental issue, but how do you bridge that understanding between the humans and kitties?

Sophisticated kitty

So kitty takes our stunned ‘wtf silence’ as being right and goes around being all Superior Kitty and does a lot of meow-yodeling at the other kitties about how smart he is and how he knows better.  {human eye roll}

What if you were the only human in a community of adult kitties for your whole life?  Would it be harder for them to convince you about their perception of the moon?  Would it be harder or easier for you to see the moon for what it really was?

And let’s say you did have a spark of inspiration and you just knew . . . knew with all your heart and soul what the moon really was.  Maybe because you could sense the other humans on the sidelines watching all of this (because by this point in kitty kingdom, the kitties have gone so far off the path of Truth and are so wrapped up in their own way of seeing things that they can’t even SEE the humans anymore.  Too caught up in Kitty Drama).

jealous-cat-memes

The (now) unseen humans keep shouting out the answer, and it’s silently pinging the part in you that is human.  A part of you that you didn’t initially even know existed because the kitties never talked about this feeling you got.  So sometimes you go off to be by yourself away from the kitties so that you can become more aware of this other part of you and it’s from becoming more in-tuned with this part of you that you got this bigger understanding about the moon.

How hard would it be to even just hold onto that thought, feeling, and knowing inside of you as you went about your day to day activities fully immersed in kitty culture, and everything within it echoing their perception and understanding about the moon which was completely counter to how the other part of you knew it to be?

Day after day of hearing their way, their way, their way, their way.  Year after year.  And you don’t want to be alone . . . you love your kitty family and kitty friends and you want to connect to them, be a part of their community and life.  And so it becomes easier to pretend that it really is the way they say (even if it means to ignore the part of you that knows otherwise) because you just want to be close to them.  You just want to love them.  You just want them to know that they are loved no matter what they believe.

jesus cat

But they take their beliefs so seriously, that their ability to love is as limited as their beliefs in bigger things existing, and so they can only love in the same limited way.  If you want to feel love how they know it to be, you have to make yourself as small and limited as their beliefs allow them to see, otherwise you are invisible to them.  They start to not recognize you.  They do not believe in you.  You might as well not exist.  Just like the real Moon.

I think that would make it extra hard.  Your choice comes down to believing what isn’t real or true and them loving you and feeling like you belong, or remembering the truth and what is real and becoming invisible and being misheard and so misunderstood that you have no choice but to be alone.

But let’s step this scenario up a notch.

Let’s say that the sideline humans had an idea.  What if some of them decided to dress up like kitties and become a part of the kitty community and see if there was any way to learn the Way of the Kitty, and then try to speak the Truth to the kitties by using their own language?  The only issue is that in order to be totally convincing, you had to go through a process in which you forget that you’re not really a kitty.  It would be up to you to remember once you got fully immersed into the kitty community.  How would that look?  A human dressed as a kitty who doesn’t remember initially himself that he *isn’t* a kitty.  That sounds like the makings of a novel called, “How Kitty Ended Up In The Padded Room At the Loony Bin.”

cat dragon

How would other kitties see you and those other pseudo-kitties?  Would you be diagnosed with kitty disorders?  Would you be in kitty special education classes for sucking ass at catching mice and purring.  Would you be in trouble all of the time for disappointing your kitty parents and kitty teachers for being so difficult and stubborn?  Would you feel like a retarded kitten?  Would you feel alone?  Would you feel worthless?  Like you failed at being kitty?  Would you wonder why you were ever born at all?  Would life seem too hard and like you didn’t get it?

Would you be waiting for other kitties to see your true worth?  Would you be waiting for them to tell you that you’re not *really* a kitty, but a human pretending to be a kitty and that that’s why things don’t make sense to you.

funny-cats-decoration-live-disguised

No.  You came to help them see the Truth of the Moon.  You can’t do your job if you get hung up on not being loved and understood by them.  You have to learn how to stand on your own without validation, support, or recognition from the kitties or anything outside of you.  You’re there for something bigger than yourself.

You don’t have the time or luxury to get hung up on things that don’t really hold any value because they’re just illusions that the kitty imaginations got caught up in like a massive tangled ball of yarn.

kitty string

Don’t get caught up yourself in debating all of the kitty theories about the moon because that’s not what you’re there for.  Learn about them, yes, but don’t get caught up in them like they are the truth or real.  Never lose perspective.  Just learn about them and what they believe then learn how to align, or connect, or bridge what they believe to what is real and true.

Help build the steps between the two, but if you start to believe what they do, you may become just as stuck and limited as them.  And some of the kitties don’t want to see the Truth.  That’s none of your business.

wakup die

You’re only there to help the ones that are willing and wanting to.  Trying to convince the ones that don’t want to know the truth, is exactly the route and path to getting caught up in that ball of yarn yourself and forgetting why you’re there in the first place.

So if a kitty tries to convince you that there’s nothing special about the Moon, just remember within yourself that sometimes a flat light in the sky, is much more than just a flat light in the sky.

 snapping cats

Living Large

We did it.  We finished moving.  After two months of planning, packing, moving, and cleaning, I finally got to turn in the keys to my old apartment on Saturday afternoon.

This has been a mega project that has absorbed much of my focus and attention, along with a new job that I started at the same time.  I was at that apartment complex for a total of 5 years and I was at my previous job for 5 1/2 years.  Within a two month period, a great deal of my life has completely changed.

It’s not easy making changes that big.  It disrupts routine.  It rocks me out of ruts and pushes me to deal with things I didn’t even know I was avoiding.  I used it as an opportunity to go through E V E R Y T H I N G and purge, purge, purge.  I came across things I had all but forgotten about.  It brought long forgotten memories, dreams . . . even nightmares . . . back to the surface to be seen and dealt with.

I had forgotten I had been married until I came across the divorce papers.  That was back in 1996.  18 years ago.  I’ve been divorced for 18 years.  Wow.  That was so many lifetimes ago for me.

Sometimes when I have moments like that, where I’m suddenly transported to a much younger version of me, I find myself wanting to reach out to the younger me and give her a hug.  Knowing the path that lie before her, I feel like it’s what she could use most.  In that hug I am saying, “You’re going to make it.  It’s going to be okay.  Just keep believing and don’t give up on yourself.”

Not in a “cheer up kid” kind of way, but in a very deep heartfelt sorrowful “I’m sorry that I can’t tell you that it’s going to be easy, but it’s how it needs to happen” kind of way.

I remember one time, not long after my divorce, when I had been renting a room out of a home that was running a daycare in it.  (I don’t care how good the deal sounds, don’t EVER rent a room from a house running a daycare. Run.  Run as far away from it as possible.)  I made too much money to qualify for any state assistance (something like $50/month too much), but I most certainly did NOT make enough money to pay for childcare, rent, food, gas, car payment/insurance, etc.  I basically worked, so that I could afford to go to work.

I was at a very low point in my life.  A nonstop series of traumatic events kept hitting me like tsunamis, each one becoming harder and harder to recover from.  I was exhausted, under-fed, and under-nourished.  I didn’t have a support network or any friends to go to.  I couldn’t think clearly.  I always felt weak.  But I had a young toddler who was looking to me for care and love.  So I kept pushing myself forward.

On this particular day, I was at the end of my ever-loving rope.  I had $5 to my name.  We were out of food.  My son was unhappily in a stroller.  I walked slowly up and down the aisles of the grocery store, starving.  I was trying to decide what would be the best way to spend that $5.  What would give us the most food that would last the longest, but also make us feel full.

I was so exhausted I could barely put one foot in front of the other.  My son was squirming and starting to get vocal in his stroller.  There was another woman with a kid somewhere else in the store, and that child was having an outright temper tantrum.  My raw nerves couldn’t handle the screaming.   I stopped.  I thought to myself, “I can’t do this.”  I just stood there silent in the bread aisle staring straight ahead.  Something in me gave out.

My vision began to get blurry as huge crocodile tears poured down my face.  I wasn’t making any facial expression, I wasn’t crying in any way that I understood crying to be.  My facial expression, in fact my entire body, was absolutely still except for the tears coming down.

I gave up trying.  I couldn’t see the point of this existence or of fighting this hard just to barely survive from moment to moment.  I didn’t have any answers, any solutions.  My body, mind, and soul had been pushed to the limits for far too long.  I didn’t know what was going to happen, I didn’t know how this was going to solve my problems.  All I knew, is that I didn’t have anything left in me to give.  Not one more step.

I also didn’t care anymore what happened.  I didn’t care if they hauled me away to a mental ward.  I didn’t care what anyone or anything threatened me with, I didn’t have anything left in me to move or care about anything.  I was willing to accept the consequences of whatever happened by me deciding never to move again.  Being absolutely still, was all I could do.  The tears were acting on their own, I simply didn’t have the energy to stop them.

So there I stood for many minutes, feeling like I was on the best vacation from life I had ever happened upon, when something incredible occurred.  A woman who seemed to me like she had appeared from nowhere, gently placed her hand on my shoulder and told me in the most loving and kindest of tones that she had once been where I was, and she wanted me to know that things would be okay, even if it didn’t feel that way right now.

That gesture of such a real and true kindness from a stranger, clicked something back on in me.  I felt myself come back into life.  I looked around.  Suddenly feeling more life in me than I had in awhile, I quickly walked up and down the empty (and now quiet) aisles trying to find the woman to say thank you, but I never did find her.  I was openly crying now, facial expressions and all.  I didn’t care what anyone thought, I was just so grateful for what had been given to me.

I suddenly knew exactly how I needed to spend the $5, and I did so confidently.  I had renewed faith in life and in my ability to overcome.  This was all just temporary.  This wasn’t the whole of my existence.  I had overcome far worse in my life before and I could do it again.  I’ve always found a way through life’s challenges, and I would continue to do so because I wasn’t going to let hard times get the best of me.  There is always, always a way out, around, or through obstacles.  Always.  I would not give up.  I would not let myself or my son down in life.

That woman saved my life.  It didn’t take money or anything of a material nature.  She didn’t do it by lecturing or judging me for being such a young mom (which I got plenty of on a daily basis from all kinds of supposed loving, church-going people . . . which is exhausting and not helpful at all).

What this woman had done that was different from all of the well-intentioned mouthpieces that go around parroting loving and inspirational phrases, was that she offered the words she said to me with a truly open and unguarded heart.  She selflessly gave of her heart to an absolute stranger standing frozen in the middle of a bread aisle.  She had nothing to gain from it.  She said it with absolutely no ego involved.

That’s all I had needed.  Something real.  Something true.  That stranger showed me in that one moment, more true heart and care than I had been able to find in all of the people in my life at that time.  That’s how starved I was for it, and how little it took for me to be willing to give life another try.  To continue to give of my own heart to others again.

With this move and new job, I’ve again been having my limits challenged.  There’s something about being pushed beyond my limits that helps me reset my priorities again.  Helps me regain proper perspective on life.  I go back to that moment in the bread aisle.  I am reminded of how rarely people truly give of their heart.  How even in their “lovingness” they are just as closed off and isolated from one another as the “cold-hearted” of us.  Simply saying loving things, doesn’t make you loving.  Simply going through the motions of being a “good” person, doesn’t mean you’re “good”.

We’ve been conditioned since childhood to see the world through the lens of certain behaviors and actions dictating whether you are a good person or a bad person.  If you ignore someone you are bad.  If you bring them pumpkin bread when they’re sick, you’re good.  Those are all superficial things.  Just because you can put a good show on the outside, doesn’t mean you’re a good person.  Just because you can’t hide the hurt in you and you act out, doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.

We’ve got it all wrong.  All of that is superficial judgment.  It’s both more simple and more complex than that.

It’s more simple in that, anything done with an open heart . . . is “good”.  Anything done with a closed heart is “bad”.  That’s only if you’re needing or wishing to slap labels on things such as good or bad.

It’s more complex in that, it means you can’t judge someone or a situation based on what is being shown or by a set list of characteristics of what it means to be good or bad.  The only way you’re actually able to know or discern the difference between whether the actions of a person is of one persuasion or the other, is when your own heart is open.  Until then, you will struggle to see clearly who is truly in the right and wrong.  You will more easily be persuaded by those who have the gift of gab and can spin a good story, and/or you won’t be able to see past your own projection onto others.

The irony is that when you’re truly coming from an open heart, you realize how absolutely pointless and futile judging others truly is.  That it’s when you can see things for what they really are, that you no longer feel the want or need to judge others.

Speaking for myself personally, when I hit those moments where my heart truly opens and my guard is completely dropped, that what comes forward in me is an incredible love and sorrow.

When a person can see through everyone’s mask, how could they feel anything but incredible love and sorrow?

When you can see how they hurt inside.  That life has broken their heart in some way and they are just trying to make the best of it that they can.  When you can see how alone they feel.  The loneliness and heartbreak I see hiding in people’s eyes as they go about their day, pretending like they’re fine . . . is heartbreaking and painful to see in another.  I feel overwhelmingly heartbreaking sorrow and actual physical pain in my heart.  The things we argue over and fight about are so pointless and miniscule in the big scheme of things.  So trivial and meaningless in the face of real love.

But it doesn’t bring me to my knees in helplessness, hopelessness, and powerlessness.  I don’t feel anger, anymore, about how unfair and unnecessary it is for the world to suffer in the way that it does.

Instead, I feel a great weight fall away from me.  My guard, my defense, my mask.  I feel my pride disintegrate.  I feel my judgment and need to be in the right dissipate.  Something bigger than me, unfolds and expands from deep within, a feeling that I refer to as ‘opening my big momma heart’.  All of these feelings combined, I refer to as “forgiveness” and “letting go”.  I stop feeling the need to try and make anyone or anything be or do anything other than what they are.  I let them be, because I need all of my own attention to be focused on being who I am.

When everything that isn’t real has fallen away from me, I feel the overwhelming need to sing the heartbreaking love I feel for every human.  For the collective, yes, but more than that.  I feel it for every single human being as an individual.  This intense force of energy that barrels through me like a bull charging a red flag.  The passionate and sorrowful heartbreak that comes from witnessing a child needlessly suffering and hurting, but that there’s nothing you can do personally about it because it’s their life and their choice.

But you want to at least let them know that they’re not alone.  Soothe them with heartfelt sorrowful songs . . loving lullabies, that sing of their heartbreak and pain.  Letting them know that you’re there, that you are a witness to their pain and suffering.

And the love.  The endless open love I feel pouring through me.  It’s nothing to do with whether someone is deemed worthy of love or not based on whether they are following social protocol, simply existing is reason enough to be worthy of love.  Every being, every individual, is worthy of love.

People do things and act in ways that are not like themselves when they are hurt or in pain.  Have you ever seen how a mistreated or abused dog will lash out or try to bite when they become scared?  Has the dog become evil?  Does the dog no longer deserve to be given love?  Or is love, care, and patience what he needs more than ever?

It’s no different for people.

To judge anyone as “bad” is to cut yourself off from love and if it is severe and persistent enough, you will become the “bad” you are judging.  The more you try to recoil, shield, and protect yourself from the bad, the more you push yourself into the darkness.  The further into the darkness you go, the less light or consciousness you have.  The less light or consciousness you have, the more you go into denial and ignorance about what is really happening.  The more you go into denial and ignorance about what is really happening, the less control and power you feel you have over your life circumstances.  The less control and power you feel you have over your life and circumstances, the more you become either a victim or aggressor.  Being locked in either role of victim or aggressor, is to be locked in a perpetual prison of suffering and miserableness.

When you can see that victim and aggressor are both sides of the same coin, when you can see that neither one is the way out of your suffering . . . and you’ve actually reached a point of truly being done with suffering . . . only then can you begin the path towards true freedom.  It is a path of humbleness and true forgiveness.  A path of getting out of your own way.  Of letting go of pettiness.  Of uncovering who you really are versus what you’ve become in an effort to survive the moment your heart broke when you were a child and your innocence was lost.

The path to truly learning how to love again.

big duck