A Life Of Joy At Death’s Door

Death is one of the most deep and intimate things you can experience while in life.  Whether it be through the death of a loved one or a stranger you read about half way across the world.

Death is the ultimate surrendering.  The ultimate letting go.

In astrology, death is found in the 8th house, represented by the sign of Scorpio and by the planet of Pluto.  The energies of death, sex, and intimacy.  The joint resources between partners.

This energy that runs through those representative symbols, just like the other houses/signs/planets in astrology, is the grouping of an energy that acts as a foundation and understanding about nature and cycles.  The reason they *rule* certain things in life is because those things are related.  They aren’t just willy nilly grouped that way for fun.

When I’m trying to better understand the nature of something, I also take a look at the things that are commonly associated with it over time.  From there I am able to start seeing the single thread of energy that moves through all of them.  Once I can see that, I am able to integrate and extrapolate further meaning about that single thread of energy.  This is one of the cool benefits I gain from having a Sun/Jupiter conjunction in Gemini.

But Gemini is more of a superficial sign.  Only interested in what is right in front of them and in the moment.  Distracted by the shiny and sparkly things in life.  It’s the sign of youthfulness and childlike wonder.  It is a happy energy.  When I think of Gemini I feel a sunshiny yellow color.  The color of summer and things that are lit up bright and beautiful and warm.  Gemini, being one of three air signs, is the refreshing breeze that comes through and livens things up.  The social butterfly.

While Gemini does have a dark twin, and you’re never sure which you’re going to get . . . for the most part, death is a far and distant concept for them.  It’s this thing that happens and it’s super sad, but ‘hey, that’s life’ as they go tra-la-la-la-la-ing onto their tiptoes in an impromptu dance where they’re not really listening to anything you’re saying anyways.

So what exactly is up with *this* Gemini that I dive so deep into such intimate matters of the Scorpio variety?  Well many things, but the most influential is what I have in direct opposition from my Sun & Jupiter, my Neptune/Moon conjunction in Sagittarius.  The most interesting thing about it to me, is in the house system I use (Koch), even though both are at 14 degrees, my Moon is in the 8th house and my Neptune is in the 9th house.

My 9th house cusp is right in the middle of those two . . . and boy can I feel it.  Here’s why.  I see 8th house as the house of ultimate depth and the ultimate release . . . which at the moment of release,  the energy starts to soar upward into the 9th house (naturally ruled by Sagittarius) of higher truth and freedom.  My Moon and Neptune are straddling that crossover, along with being *in* the sign of Sagittarius.  The Moon is a very personal planet.  It’s what you feel in your core.  If you were to pull into yourself like a turtle and just be in the center and essence of *you* . . . this is your Moon.  Well, technically it’s the IC (4th house cusp), but it’s represented planet-wise through your Moon.

My Moon in the 8th house shows a natural comfort zone in the energetic zone of death and intimacy.  But being in Sagittarius and sitting snug with Neptune . . . it’s the *surrender* moment . . . where the soul surrenders to the Divine.  “Let go and let God.”  It’s the sign of the Free Spirit.  The shadow side of Sagittarius can be someone running from the deeper, serious things in life.  I very much have the tendency in me to haul ass out of situations that get too serious.  The Sagittarius that is growing up, is one who stops running from these things and learns how to be free by embracing all of life.  It’s also the sign of joy.  🙂

My struggle in this life has been to be present in all life situations without going into make-believe or pretend.  My tendency is to become a silver lining sayings factory instead of actually letting the reality of the situation sink into me.  When I was 16 my maternal grandmother died.  Could.not.handle.it.  A whole bunch of NOPE came up in me.  My family wanted me to come to the funeral . . . said I would regret it one day if I didn’t go.  Nope.  That’s all I felt inside of me.  If I don’t go to the funeral, it didn’t happen.

My interest in life after death consumed my childhood.  In the 4th grade I did an oral report on reincarnation.  In hindsight it was a really dumb thing to do, because at the time I lived in the southern US state of Georgia, also known as the bible belt of America.  I was excited to share this information, but was met with a room full of frowny angry faces.

Also, I always had dreams where people who had died in our family would come to me with messages to give other family members.  I could sense, feel, and hear ghosts/spirits.  I purposely blocked them from my vision because there is only so much a little girl can handle in the dark by herself.

I was also plagued by incredibly gruesome dreams.  Dreams where I was put in horrible situations such as being shot in the head and being forced to make a choice between me being shot in the head first and ending my suffering, or having a child I was protecting be shot in the head first so that her suffering ended first . . . however I would have to witness it.

I was taken to a lot of counselors and psychologists when I was younger.

The point being . . . you can run, but you can’t hide from who you are and what you’re meant for in the world.  A point made very clearly to me in a dream in which my maternal grandfather, who I had watched take his last breath in this life, came to me and told me that I needed to get over my fear with this ability to travel back and forth between the veil of life and death, because it was going to happen ready or not.  Meaning, I better get my shit together and stop running from my fears because my natural abilities were going to start to bleed through whether I disciplined myself to deal with it or not.

I’ve had many dreams in which I’m placed in various scenarios where it’s *the* moment of death.  The moment where it’s time to go, and the soul is released from the body.  It’s lucid, and I stay aware during the whole process.  Every single time, I look to the others near me in the dream and I say to them . . . “Just let go.”

It’s my Moon mantra.

The feeling in the moment of dying in these dreams, is one where you let go of all attachments to life including the need to survive.  I feel all areas of the inner me literally detach energetically from the physical body.  It’s 100% openness.  It’s laying down all burdens.  A complete surrender to the All.

Imagine you were standing at the top of a 100 story building and you got shoved off.  There’s zero doubt you are about to die.  Maybe you feel some regret move through you.  Maybe a feeling of ‘oh shit . . . I should’ve lived more’.  Those will move through your mind pretty quickly until you come to a moment of clarity.  A single moment of knowing that “this is it”, who was most important to you, and then there is an instinctive response to “Let Go” where you close your eyes and you let every single thing you spent your life worrying about go.  All of it.

That is the moment of ultimate surrender.  Ultimate presence and awareness.  It’s ironically the moment when you are most alive, because your attention is not being scattered to the four winds in worry about taking the car to the shop, making dentist appointments for the family, grocery lists, that presentation at work . . . no, all of your awareness and attention is zeroed in on that moment.  It quickly condenses down to the few most important things in your life.  Your wife.  Your kids.  Your mom.  Whatever it is for you, in that moment you will know with all of your heart what mattered most to you in life, and they will be the last thoughts you have before you exit the body.

It’s when your heart is most open.  It’s when you are the most real and authentic you.  It’s the moment of truth.  The moment where everything false or unimportant is burned away in an instant.

That is where my Moon & Neptune reside energetically in my natal chart.

Between my Gemini Sun/Jupiter and my Sagittarius Neptune/Moon, I live perpetually in this doorway between life and death.  This doorway of surrender, what’s truly most important, and how wonderful each day we are given is.  It’s my comfort zone, this understanding of the transition between here and there . . . life and death.

An appreciation and love for that moment, even though it brings people so much pain and sorrow.  I also feel that deep pain and sorrow, but I simultaneously feel the surrender and release of all that isn’t real or true within me.  As I open to the incredible pain of loss and sorrow, whether it be personally for a loved one or for those I don’t know, like those lost during a natural disaster, my whole heart opens . . . lifting the separation of the worlds between life and death within, and flooding me with the absolute love the Divine has for each and every one of us.

It is where I am comforted and where I give comfort.

Speaking of which, I have a little kitty girl on my lap who is currently in this transition and is trying to let me know that it’s about time for her to go.  I’m trying to be brave and not resist it, but I don’t think anyone looks forward to opening themselves up to that level of pain.

It’s like throwing up.  You know you’ll feel better once you do it, but you’d rather not.

 funny-run-sign-screaming-hill

There Is Great Treasure To Be Found In Ancient Wisdom

I’m feeling a little quiet and worn down today.

But I was just thinking about how science is showing us how basically everything is made up of frequencies and vibrations.  Or sound.  Or . . . the “Word of God”.

And I was thinking about how in Quantum Physics we’ve learned that light switches between waves and particles, based on whether it’s being observed or not.  Or based on whether a person’s attention or awareness or consciousness is interacting with it.

Then I thought of how HUGE the planets are in comparison to us . . . and how each has it’s own frequency/vibration . . . like a fingerprint.  And radiates out that unique frequency/vibration just as an act of existing or being.  It’s at a level that is outside of our conscious awareness, but it’s still happening.

And THEN I thought about just how stupid it is for us to think that those frequencies and vibrations *don’t* effect us at some level.  When two things interact . . . *something* happens, there is a change.  It happens in physics and chemistry.  It happens in music . . . in harmonies, discord, etc.

Everything is just atoms vibrating in various patterns to form solidity . . . or what appears to be solid.

And how everything cycles . . . just like the gears of a watch, to the point that if you observed long enough, you could start seeing a pattern.  When *this* vibration interacts with *that* vibration . . . the results seem to always be of *this* nature.  After thousands of years of compiled observation and knowledge . . . you could have a pretty good idea about the pulse of the nature of things.

This all makes perfect sense to me.

So then I wondered why astrology has been thrown into the pot as being for simpletons or the superstitious.  It seems to me that it’s a type of science like any other, based on extensive observation and trial and error in order to try and understand the world in which we live.  Science came about in an attempt to better understand spirituality, or the nature of the world in which we live . . . not replace it.

Astrology takes a wide variety of skills and disciplines in order to use it effectively.  It’s not for someone who doesn’t use their brain.  It’s not for someone who doesn’t use their heart.  It’s not for someone who doesn’t have a love and passion for it, because it takes immense dedication and a lot of patience before your effort starts to pay off.  You pretty much have to become obsessed with it in order to really start understanding and gaining the reward of what information is *really* being handed down.

But the perception of astrology in this day and age, is almost solely based on people reading their weekly sun sign horoscope in their newspaper.  An immense wealth of wisdom, being judged on something so completely superficial and trivial.  Which basically sums up our modern society.  It’s so tragic, it’s almost hilarious.

Did you know at one point it used to be considered irresponsible for a doctor to try and treat a patient without using astrology.  And from what I’ve come to understand about it, I actually agree.  At least the use of the understanding that comes with *why* the human body becomes afflicted like it does and how it can be connected to a mixture of incoming vibrational influences, as well as conscious will and the choices we make for ourselves.

The ancient knowledge that we are so quick to dismiss and close ourselves off to, holds treasure troves of information that we’ve forgotten about ourselves and the nature of the universe.  Perhaps our ancestors didn’t understand the mechanics or wisdom behind why it worked like it did, but that doesn’t make it any less true or any less valuable.

funny-baby-drawing-walls-bed

Here Comes Trouble

I had another interesting dream last night (awww Mercury in Pisces, I love you).

Within the dream, I watched as a group started to pack up a mobile museum into the back of a large pickup truck.  I don’t know whether it was the mascot or what, but there was a live horse that was a part of this group.  They had packed him into the back of the truck first . . . like he was one of the inanimate objects of the museum.

He was laying on his left side.  His legs folded up and against the side of the truck closest to me.  He had straps going across to secure him and keep him from moving around too much during the trip.  They were going to pack the rest of the things in around him.  Someone was giving him a food dish, and said that he’d also need water so he didn’t die.

During all of this, my dream became more lucid.  I didn’t understand what was going on, so I was just observing.  But something was pulling on my feelings about it.

I never stopped looking at the horse . . . he was an off white color.  I very slowly continued to approach the vehicle as I tried to understand what was bothering me.

He just laid there.  He had just let them arrange him however he needed to be without fight or struggle.

This wasn’t setting well with me.  But based on the situation and how everything appeared . . . how everyone acted . . . there was nothing wrong.  Everything was exactly right and proper.

But I had a distant memory nagging at me . . . “but where is his spirit?

I had this distant knowing or memory of horses not being like this.  That at one time horses were symbolic of being wild and running free.

Why was it going against what this reality was showing me?  Why did I keep getting glimmers of  a feeling like I wanted to cry?  Why did something not feel right about this?

I looked into the horse’s eye.  I felt a connection with the horse.  It pulled on something deep within me that I had forgotten.  The feeling of wanting to cry kept coming and going from me like breathing.

The deeper I went into the connection between me and the horse, the stronger the need to cry became.  The more a forgotten memory started to come back to me.  The more I started to become aware of something so incredibly painful inside of me that I had purposely forgotten in order to get relief from it.

But it was also something I desperately missed.  Within that pain was something that I missed with all of my heart.

His will . . . his will was broken.

My will . . . my own will was broken when I was younger.

When trying to domesticate a horse . . . they must be “broken”.  To break an animal or a person is to break their own personal will in order to do the will of another.

There’s refining someone’s will in order to fit into society and get along with others.  That’s the whole Aries –> Libra axis.  When we’re first born, we have raw personal will.  As we grow older, we learn how to refine it into something more polished and hopefully more beautiful . . . but the person should still retain something of themselves in that process.

They should still have their own personal will.  This is the energy or thing that motivates us.  It’s how we know what we want.  It’s how we go after or approach challenges.  Do we go after what we want . . . or do we let the forces around us decide for us what we’re going to do or not do?

The wilder something is . . . the harder it is to break.  There are some things that aren’t meant to be tamed or domesticated.  Being wild and free . . . is who they are.  To see them broken . . . like the horse I saw in the back of the truck . . . is almost too much for my heart to handle.

There are those who are so controlling and filled with ego, that they will go to any length to break a wild thing’s will.  To show dominance.  To have a trophy.  To feel good about themselves because they are so lacking in confidence and will themselves.

Sometimes they think it’s for the wild thing’s own good, either they break it or the world will do it.  It’s perceived as an act of love.

Let me break you . . . so that you won’t have to suffer the pain of the world breaking you.

What a tangled web human’s weave.

In my chart . . . I’m about as wild and untamed as they get.

I had such willfulness when I was younger.  To the point that I had no concept of asking for permission to do anything.  If I was playing with some toys in the house and suddenly had an image of the park flash into my mind . . . then I’d simply stand up and walk out the house and go to the park.

I can’t imagine how many heart attacks I gave my parents.  I knew what I knew, and I knew what I wanted.  What they wanted did not register into my awareness at all.  It didn’t even make sense to me.  What did my wants and needs have to do with them?

My dad is from the Appalachian mountains.  You don’t get away with shit when you’re from the Appalachian mountains.  You either do as you’re told by your parents, or your ass is grass.

My ass was frequently grass.

This comes from having to survive in very harsh conditions in the mountains.  My dad’s family is from Irish heritage.  The Irish weren’t really wanted over here.  So they were forced into the areas that nobody else was able to survive, and forced to find a way to survive.  And they did.

I come from strong stock.

But it also forced the families into living in constant survival mode.  This means everything is a life or death circumstance.  This means, when your parents tell you to go do something, you don’t sit there and whine and break down that you’re scared.  It means you suck it up and get your ass out there, or everyone may die.

So then the getting your ass whipped every time you disobey becomes understandable.  It’s to keep you from dying.  It *is* being done from a place of love.  The thing is, after a few generations . . . you no longer remember why it was done, only that it is.

So even though I didn’t grow up in those circumstances, I was raised as if I was.  But obviously, something needs to change.  This means that eventually in one of the generations, someone is going to be treated that way as a child . . . but they’re going to have to find the strength and will to overcome it and NOT break the will of their own children.

And that someone would need to have an enormous amount of will.

So . . . ta-da.

As my favorite shirt said when I was growing up, “Here comes trouble”.

All I know, is that my dad must’ve REALLY loved me.  Because that man did not back off or give up in trying to get me to understand the rules.  I would’ve been exhausted trying to raise me.

My mom’s family is more from a refined societal background.  I supposed considered more “civilized”.  But the dark side to Libra, or the sign of refined manners and all things beautiful and harmonious, is in becoming so passive that you basically check out of doing anything for yourself.

So my dad did severe disciplining, and my mom stood back and did nothing and just kind of checked out and became a victim.  Libra can also be kind of judgey.  Sit and judge the “animalstic” behavior of others, while not seeing their own part in what is playing out and not doing anything about it for themselves.

My dad always looked like the bad guy.  My mom always looked like a victim.  But if one had the ability to look at the energetic dynamics playing underneath the surface of what was being shown . . . and I did and I do . . . then you can see that my mom was equally at fault.

But our society is only interested in making judgments based on what can be seen and proven, and so until we get past such juvenile thinking . . . we will continue to have aggressors and victims and cannot progress past wars and people going hungry.

So I’m not interested in hearing that I was severely abused.  Maybe I was.  Maybe I wasn’t.  It doesn’t matter.  All I’m interested in, is stopping the bullshit from continuing past my generation.

However, I do need to recognize what happened when I was younger so that I can put myself back together and be an agent of true change in the world.

My will was broken when I was younger.  It was so severe, that I literally broke my lower back when I was around 6 or 7.

I was in Germany and sledding by myself.  The snow was so slick from all the people sledding earlier in the day, that my sled went way too fast.  In short I ended up face down in the middle of the road, paralyzed from the waist down.  And down the hill to my right was a big ass car coming, and they weren’t going to be able to see me in time.

So I closed my eyes and pulled on everything within me, and I willed myself to move.  I didn’t want to die SO BAD . . . that I literally willed my paralyzed self to move enough to get to the sidewalk.  I got out of the way in time, and the car stopped anyways to ask if I was okay.  I said I was fine.

I spent the next hours in excruciating pain crawling an inch at a time to get back to my building and up the stairs.  The whole time I was willing myself better.  By the time I got to my mom, who was thankfully at a neighbors on the first floor instead of our fourth floor, all I could manage to get out of my mouth was that I had a stomach ache.  I said I wanted to throw up.

So she gave me Pepto-Bismol and had me lay down.  That was the last I thought about my lower back, until years later as an adult, when I got a 360 degree x-ray at a chiropractor’s office and the guy’s eyes about fell out of his head.  He wanted to know when I had broken my back.  I looked, and yes . . . it was scary looking . . . but mostly because it wasn’t until then that I had understood fully what I had done all those years ago.

It had snapped, twisted a little and fused itself back together, causing a slight curve in my spine.

So will.  I haz it.  Or I did.

After that day . . . my will became less and less.  Because I was young I had a lot of energy still . . . but never quite the willfulness I had before.  I quit fighting things so much.  I quit wanting things my way.

I had been broken.  Literally.

I do believe that things happen how they’re meant to.  I needed to know life without my willfulness so that I did understand the Libra side of things.  And the only way that was going to happen, is if it was severe enough.

Once I had done what I needed to in that broken state . . . it was time for me to heal that break in me and come back to myself.

So while staring into the eyes of the horse . . . I began to remember a previous existence from when I was a younger girl.

A time when I had such spirit and a strong will to live.  A time when my spirit ran free and I believed I could do anything.

A time when I wasn’t afraid of being myself around others.

I’m returning to that part of me, but there’s a difference between now and then.

Back then, I didn’t know what it was that I had that the other’s around me lacked.  I didn’t know what set me apart from anyone else.  I didn’t know what to call the energy and joy and spunk that naturally came out of me.

But now I can see that it was will.  It was confidence.  It was an open-heartedness to life.  It was love.  It was joy and hope.  It was the essence of life itself.  A flame of life that lives within me.

After having gone without it for so long, I now know the value of what I hold inside of me.  I know how rare and precious it is in the current world, and it’s up to me to protect and guard it . . . to never let it go out in me again.

I am and have something of value.

When I’m respected and valued by others, I am more than happy to share all I have with others.

But try to take it from me by force, or keep it for your own, or treat me like I’m not worth your time . . .

Then Here Comes Trouble.

zebra kick to the face

Take Your Soul Back And Love Again

There exists a black smoke cloud entity invisible to the human eye.  It is able to move in and out of humans at will.  It has an intelligence.

We’re all aware of it at some level, but choose to repress it because it scares us.

It doesn’t have any actual power.  It doesn’t have any creative force or life giving energy of its own.  It’s able to mimic and learn, but not create something new all on its own.

However, it is able to convince you to use your creative energy to get done what it wants.  All it has to do, is play upon your weakness.  It finds your weakness and convinces you that your fears are real and true.  That’s all it needs to do.  That’s all it is able to do . . . is convince you that your fears are true.

Because as soon as a human believes something to be true . . . they use their own creative force and energy to bring it about.  And so it’s nearly as effective as the black smoke cloud entity having its own creative power.

I’m not using metaphors, btw.  This black smoke cloud entity is very real.  It is the actual source of fear.

It’s able to cloak itself . . . mimic you well enough . . . that it’s nearly impossible to distinguish it from your own thoughts.  It’s subtle enough to not set off any alarms that it’s coming from an outside source.

As long as you believe your fears to be true, you become trapped in a jail cell of your own making.  You get stuck in an energetic web of your own creative energy.

The greatest “power” this black smoke cloud entity has, is in its invisibility.  As long as nobody is aware of it, it is able to move through undetected wreaking havoc and maintaining control.

It especially targets those with lots of life force or creative energy.  The more life force, light, love, creative energy you have . . . the more the black smoke cloud entity wants you for its own purposes.

Some of the brightest beings currently here are paralyzed in fear due to this combination of incredible light and a lack of awareness of the black smoke cloud entity.

You can see where in your life this will show up the most in your natal chart, by looking for where Pluto is located and what he touches.  In those areas of your life, is where the black smoke cloud entity will show up the heaviest and therefore create a fear surrounding that area of your chart.

It can come through your loved ones, yourself, events and circumstances.  Anywhere the black smoke cloud entity can move and is allowed to influence, it can manipulate and use.

The black smoke cloud entity is not invincible, however.

It cannot control you once you become aware of it and refuse to play its game.  It will try to scare the living bejeezers out of you with what looks like very real threats . . . but it cannot actually harm you.

It cannot control you when you swallow your pride and take personal responsibility for yourself.  Even if you have a weak moment and it’s able to get through and start scaring you, take personal responsibility for moving back out of fear.  Take personal responsibility to gain strength and push yourself past the fear and out of the clutches of the black smoke cloud entity.

Belief and faith.  Believe in things really being beautiful and loving.  Have faith that the beautiful and loving things in life are real.  If you allow yourself to be a Pollyanna with your whole open heart despite the ugliness that appears to be happening on the outside of this world . . . the black smoke cloud entity loses its hold on you . . . it loses its power over you.

When you have the courage to believe in love and happiness, and to act as if it is true despite your fear . . . it loses its power over you.

When you refuse to believe the reality it would have you believe, it makes you stronger and the black smoke cloud entity weaker.

You can 100% guarantee that whatever it is you are afraid of, is the influence of this entity.  It’s the battle that wages on inside of all of us.  Who we are versus what this black smoke cloud entity wishes us to believe because while we do . . . it’s in control of this world.

When you stop believing that your fears are real . . . when you truly believe in your heart . . . then the black smoke cloud entity is forced to set you free.

Forgiveness.

When you can see that the fear and craziness erupting is more to do with this black smoke cloud entity flowing through the masses trying to snag any weaknesses of the heart and exploiting it to hurt the rest of us and weaken our own hearts . . . then you can start to feel more compassion and forgiveness for what we are all going through right now.

Not everything is as it seems.  Just because someone flies off the handle and kills people, doesn’t mean it was the person themselves.  Their only fault is having a moment of weakness in their faith of their heart.  That’s why it is not for us to judge others and condemn them, because we cannot see what battle they are fighting below the surface.

This unseen fight and battle that the black smoke cloud entity insists on being kept a secret . . . hidden.  He wants us to lash out on each other and accuse and blame each other . . . because it creates even more fear and isolation and division between us . . . and it strengthens the black smoke cloud entity.

Not coincidentally, today, transiting Uranus is in exact opposition to my natal Pluto which is conjunct my descendant.  Uranus is about breaking free.  It’s in the sign of Aries . . . the warrior . . . where my rising sign, Venus, Mars, and South Node all reside.  Aries also rules the head.

It’s my 1st house, house of self.  I’ve been facing this black smoke cloud entity head on my entire life.  I’m able to see it and be aware of it and call it out on its own shit.  It has gone through all of my loved ones in my life trying to get at me.

If they have any weakness, flaws, doubts, fears . . . this black smoke cloud entity jumps on it and wreaks havoc both for the individual I love, as well as for me.  This has been happening since the day I was born.

I have gone through periods in my life of being afraid to let anyone into my life, because I knew the black smoke cloud entity would start its shit.  Two different boyfriends actually woke up in the middle of the night, having a very literal black smoke fog over them and trying to choke the life out of them . . . using their fear of course.

It’s been a battle within me to keep my vision clear . . . to understand that it’s not the individual themselves that are hurting me, but this entity.  It’s been a battle within me to keep my vision of myself clear, and to not believe the things that others think and accuse me of based on their fears that are being played upon.  A battle within to keep my strength up even when others start associating the black smoke cloud entity with me . . . because it always seems to come around when they are around me, and start to fear me as if I’m the source.

And it’s been a battle within me to keep forgiving and remembering what is really going on . . . what the truth of the situation of the world is.  To keep persevering.  To not give up my belief in love and my heart.  To have faith that one day, this black smoke cloud entity will be unmasked and everyone will see for themselves the truth and what has been going on.

“Being alone . . . that’s your thing.”

That’s my weakness . . . my wound that is exploited by the black smoke cloud entity.  My pain and my wound of being alone and the fear of continuing to be alone.  That quote is what was said to me in a dream last fall.  The black smoke cloud entity has no mercy.  It has shredded that fear within me over and over.

In the last week, as the opposition between the current transiting Uranus and my natal Pluto has been getting closer, the black smoke cloud entity has been working overtime.

In one dream that became lucid, a dark black shadow being was right on me.  I could feel it with my physical body in my bedroom.  Trying to scare and intimidate me.  It unnerved me a hair . . . but this has been a really long and intense battle between us . . . and I’m really tired of its shit.

And then one morning as I was waking up I got very clearly the message, “You’re a smart girl, back off.”

It was very distinctly a warning.  One that I just couldn’t seem to get rattled about.  There’s a point where you just don’t care anymore.  I’m tired of fighting.  Threaten and scream all you want, but when you’re just bone-soul weary . . . it’s like, “Oh yeah?  Well, fuck you.”

fuck shit up

Inspirational Sh*t

Have you ever become so inspired by something that you suddenly had to go poop?

So the other morning I was slogging through my morning ritual, and checked my email and saw that a new song on an album I had pre-ordered was now available.  Yay!

I went to check it out immediately because I’m often inspired by this artist, and I don’t know if it was the timing or what . . . but from the first beat in the song I felt something light up in me and felt myself come to life.

My ass was up and dancing before the song was even half way done.  My soul was like fuck yeah!  I was almost crying it made me feel so good.

And then I suddenly had to poop.

So that’s why I asked.

Here’s the song that literally inspired the shit out of me:

Burning Gold by Christina Perri

I understand this is TMI and crossing boundaries . . . what can I say?

Jennifer Roark . . . crossing boundaries since 1977

When I’m uninspired and moping along in life feeling small . . . guess what . . . I have problem with the process of elimination.  I always have.  I had to be taken to the doctor for it when I was younger.

It’s a very literal form of blockage for what’s going on with me emotionally.

I long ago figured out that for me, whenever I’m full of it . . . what I’m in need of is inspiration.

This connection is actually in my natal chart with my Neptune/Moon conjunction with the moon in the 8th house.  The process of waste elimination is ruled by 8th house/Scorpio/Pluto.  Interestingly . . . those areas also represent intimacy, trust, other people’s resources, mysteries, secrets.

Those areas fall under the “everybody does it, but nobody talks about it” category.  Neptune is “no boundaries”.  Moon is our comfort zone.  I’m comfortable with talking about things that everybody does, but nobody talks about.

Everybody poos.

Nobody talks about it . . . unless you’re my coworker’s two young daughters.  They won’t stop talking about it.  They make me laugh.  A lot.

The connection between all of this, is that issues related to the things of Pluto/Scorpio/8th house (and there’s a million ways and varieties this can show up in a person’s chart) . . . it can lead to difficulties with elimination (or complete lack of being able to hold it in).  People don’t necessarily connect the two together . . . but they are related.

The more you know {and rainbow}

My lucky combination, is that my Neptune/Moon is in Sagittarius.  Sag is a fire sign and so is inspirational.  It’s also about wide open spaces, traveling the world (omg am I itching to travel!), loving life, higher knowledge truth, prophecy . . . it’s just a huge barrel of fun and seeing the bigger picture about what life is really about.

When I’m connected into that part of my chart, my views and perceptions open up.  I surrender and let go.  I go into a state of being and loving and living.  My body immediately responds in a positive manner and things start functioning in a healthier manner . . . beginning with . . . well you know.

{Poop}

{Giggle}

So yeah.

You’re welcome.

mama cat

My Own Physical Body Tries To Protect Me From My Feelings

(Source: The Meta Picture)

Whatcha doin?

Omg you guys, so many puzzle pieces just came together for me and I’m so excited to share.

I was doing my usual morning “laying on the floor and contemplating the meaning of everything” while trying to relax my body so I could feel my feelers.

I felt how my neck and lower jaw muscles were tensing in order to stop emotions from showing.  I thought, “Hmm . . that’s right, I do remember as a little girl whenever I wanted to cry but was in public or around someone, I would stop my tears by tensing my neck area.”

Okay, cool . . . so I was talking to my body and saying, “Hey, it’s super cool that you learned how to stop yourself from crying, but it’s getting old and I kind of don’t want to do it anymore.”  But from a feeling place, not necessarily with words.  I find it works best for me if I emote or feel things towards my body as a way to communicate.

So *then* I became aware of something going on in my head area.  It wasn’t what I would refer to or call my “mind”, but something . . . I guess surrounding the mind?  It’s like it was the top half of my skull, and emanating from the area outside of it.  I only had to wonder about it for a second before the word “will” popped into my head.

Yes, of course!  Will . . . Aries . . . Aries rules the head!  I felt it being the thing that was instructing or giving the orders so to speak, for my neck area (ruled by Taurus . . . it’s our “voice”).  But not only that, I felt all of the areas in my body that were under the direction of “will” in my body.  This is TOTALLY fascinating because my Chiron (or deepest wound and where we become the healer) is in Taurus (rules neck/throat . . . but also represents physical body) and in my 1st house . . . the house of Aries (which my 1st house happens to be ruled by Aries . . . go figure).

So THEN, I was feeling all of these areas affected and being directed by Aries and what came to me was “adrenal system”.  The fight or flight or freeze response.  Our instinctive, animalistic response when there is danger.  This is ALSO ruled by Aries –>Instinct/survival.

At this point I’m already in amazement at the correlations between what I’m experiencing and connecting and how they also line up in astrological rulerships . . . and things that aren’t readily able to be connected.  We tend to learn key words about each sign, etc. . . . but it’s not necessarily obvious why they all belong to a sign, planet, or house.  So seeing these connections in me and THEN seeing that it matches what is in astrology is what had me going all O.O during all of this.

So anyways, I was seeing in vision and actually experiencing in my physical body the areas of my body being told by my “will” that I was in “danger” every time I felt my emotions and feelings.  Every.single.time.  So I feel any of my own feelings, and my body goes “go!go!go! This is not a drill, we are in serious danger, activate the “do not show what you’re feeling” sequence!” and the various areas of my body go into response to stop the feelers from coming out.

Then I kept having a scene from my childhood repeat over and over.  It was a defining moment in my childhood.  I had done something to get myself in trouble and I was getting one hellacious whipping, and I was told that it wasn’t going to stop until I stopped crying.

Boom.  There it was.  Showing my emotions and feelings put me in serious danger (according to my instinctive body), and therefore I go into a fight, flight, freeze response any time they try to show themselves.  Hence the intense fear any time I try to express what I feel.

When we are children we’re more open and flexible, so it didn’t have a huge immediate impact when I was younger.  I was still able to return to my playing and eventually forget what happened and get back to playing Barbies or whatever.  Kids are resilient like that.  But my physical body never forgot it, and so it decided to take care of it at an instinctive level, rather than bother me with it.

As I get older, however, it takes more and more of a toll on me.  I can’t bounce back as easily when I get triggered.  The response has bled over from only happening when I wanted to cry, to happening any time I feel emotions or feelings at all.  INCLUDING feeling joy, love, happiness.

Every time I go into my deeper feelings . . . my body goes into fight, flight, freeze response.  Survival mode.  Shut down.  Close up.  On the defense.

What’s more . . . and the part that has truly been tragic in my life . . . it happens anytime I’m around anyone that I care deeply about.  I get near someone I care deeply about, and my system goes into survival mode and I shut down.  In order to compensate for this, and in order to find any comfort or peace in my life . . . I’ve had to push away, distance, and cut off from everyone I’ve ever cared about in my life.

The only one I wasn’t able to, was my son.  He told me when he was 7 that one of his reasons for coming into this life was to show me love, and now that has even more profound meaning than ever.

I have had to survive on my own for so long, that I had learned to deal with it.  I was “at peace” in a way with it . . . even if I didn’t like it or understand it.  I can push away lovers, family, friends.  But my son.  The universe set it up so that I couldn’t push him away.  I was the only person available to take care of him and raise him.  My mommy instinct wouldn’t let me abandon him.  I didn’t want him to be alone in the world.

So for the next 18 years this horrific battle ensued in me.  Perpetual fight or flight any time I was around my son, but also being unable to get away from it.  It forced me to face those demons in me.  It forced me to push past the terror and fear because as many parents understand . . . you will literally go through hell for your children.  I might not do it for myself, and I might not do it for another person . . . but I sure as hell will do it for my son.

Even if I was screaming at the top of my lungs (silently inside) in searing pain from the constant adrenal response 24/7 year after year, which did result in several breakdowns.  Which is another interesting correlation . . . Aries is a fire.  Fire burns and purifies.  Adrenaline being a very Aries response . . . burns when it keeps happening and it’s not needed and results in anxiety, etc.  In an effort to overcome it . . . I ended up burning and purifying through everything that wasn’t real in me.

It’s also why I always end up alone.  Again . . . Aries.  My south node (something you do *too* well) is Aries.  North node (direction you want to head in this life) is Libra.  I want to be with others.  My soul no longer wants to survive alone . . . it wants to thrive with others.

All of these pieces and realizations are just blowing me away . . . this is amazing to me.  It seems so clear.

I shut down when my ex came last summer.  I was picking everything apart trying to understand why, and obviously it isn’t any *one* thing . . . nothing is that simple . . . but now, with this understanding . . .

I pushed the love of my life away because of this.  That’s why I can’t let it go.  It’s the same situation as with my son.  That push and pull fight inside of me.  They are my heart . . . and I can’t abandon my heart . . . but to feel my heart means to be in shut down survival mode which kills my spirit.

I had learned how to get past it with my son.  But then I got into a relationship which is a different dynamic, and I hadn’t learned how to get past it from that angle.  So I thought it was the relationship that was wrong, and fell back into my old habits of pushing the person away . . . if only to get a break from the searing pain of adrenaline that burns my whole body.

Oh my god . . . I’m so sorry . . . I’m so sorry for what I put you through. 

What Searches Are Being Done Online For Your Zodiac Sign?

Okay, so I was totally having some fun and doing that thing where you type in the start of a search phrase, and it shows you the top searches that fill in the rest of the phrase.  More specifically, I was doing it for the zodiac signs  “Why are {zodiac sign} so . . . ” and I had to share with you guys.

So here’s what the world is wanting to know about each zodiac sign according to bing.

ARIES

Aries

LOL . . . omg, I was already cracking up at Aries.  Why are they so mean in relationships?  Hot for scorpio men?  I had no idea that was some people’s views.  This was already proving to be a good idea as far as I was concerned.

TAURUS

Taurus

So far, it seems that what motivates people to do a search for someone other than themselves, is when something is wrong or bad . . . or hot.  Not seeing a whole lot of why are {zodiac sign} so AWESOME!

GEMINI

Gemini

Okay, so as a Gemini . . . this is both insightful and HILARIOUS to me.  Also, so far 3/3 for people wanting to know why each zodiac is so “mean”.  Sounds like a human problem vs a zodiac sign problem.

CANCER

Cancer

Okay, 4/4  for “mean”.  And . . . carnal?  Really?  What an odd vocabulary choice.

LEO

Leo

Mean, mean, everywhere mean.  A cold Leo gives me a sad.  So does a “difficult to love” Leo.  As a fire and the ruler of the heart, a lack of those in a Leo is a wilted flower.  : (

VIRGO

Virgo

Oh Virgo . . . you are not spared in the ever growing list of mean.  But you have annoying and manipulative to keep you company.  So that’s cool.

LIBRA

Libra

LOL . . . OMG, I totally busted out laughing when I saw “evil”.  The first of the zodiac signs to get that honor, and in the sign of the diplomat and peacemaker.  Priceless.

SCORPIO

Scorpio

Sorry Scorpio, but Libra already took the evil title.  You’ll also be happy to know that you share the label of complicated (complex) . . . along with your “favorite” sign of Gemini.  But guess what you do have all for yourself so far . . . lonely.  Awww.  : (

SAGITTARIUS

Sag

Okay, here we go . . . words like lucky and funny!  Leave it up to optimistic and lucky Sagittarius to break the cycle of doom and gloom.  (But still mean.)

CAPRICORN

Capricorn

Awww . . . poor insecure and sad Capricorn.  I see so many traits for Cancer which is the other side of the axis from Capricorn.

AQUARIUS

Aquarius

LOL!  So specific, “mean to pisces”.  The first zodiac sign to be called out for being mean to a specific zodiac sign.  And sexual?  Are you f#cking kidding me?  Bwahahahahaha.  No.

PISCES

Pisces

Oh I see . . . so people are seeing Pisces as being so different and weird and that pisses off Aquarius who wants to be the unique and different one . . . so they’re mean to Pisces.  Now it makes more sense.  ; )

So what I’ve learned from this is that being mean has to do with the person . . . not their zodiac sign.  I’ve also learned that people are much more focused on finding out what’s wrong with people than what’s right with people.  So what we’re actually seeing is a mix of the shadow side of these signs, as well as people assigning all of a person’s traits to a single zodiac sign (most likely their sun sign), AND their own projections onto others which really has nothing to do with the sign they’re searching.

But the result is both hilarious and priceless!

Little Girl Giggling

Do you know what felt really good about doing yesterday’s post?

I got to express my feelings.  MY feelings.  My only thought when writing yesterday was, “What do I feel inside my heart?”  I wasn’t thinking about how it might make someone else feel.  I wasn’t thinking about what others might think of me.  I wasn’t trying to curb or hide my feelings so that others didn’t become concerned about my state of mind.  I simply expressed my very own feelings that I get to have and feel and hug.

Mine, mine, mine.

It feels really good to get to have and express feelings without judging them.  Without having to act on them.  Without having to defend or explain them.  Without worrying about someone else trying to take responsibility for them, or fix them, or try and tell me why I should or shouldn’t be feeling them.  {Big sigh of relief.}

They weren’t based on trying to skirt psychological criteria for various mental disorders in an attempt to not look psycho, crazy, or like I’m having a breakdown.  They weren’t based on an agenda or ulterior motives.  They weren’t any kind of attempt to make a point or model anything.  There was no focus on consequences, potential outcomes, or effects of my words.

They were purely and simply the feelings I was feeling in my heart.

Here’s the post btw, if you’re interested:  What Is In My Heart

It was freeing.  Moon in Sagittarius –> A need to feel free to feel what I feel.

Do you know what kind of sucked about yesterday’s post?

The absolute silence surrounding it.

Nobody was going to touch that post with a ten foot pole, fluff you very much.

I swear to god I could almost hear everyone stop breathing at once, and very carefully try to tip toe away without being noticed . . . that’s how bad the silence was.

I don’t even understand it, I never have.  This is quite common for me, btw.  I open and share my heart, and people scatter like cockroaches do when a light gets switched on.  While in the past it has led me to doubt my own feelings or wonder if something is wrong with me . . . anymore I’m very sure about what I feel deep inside me and I know there’s nothing wrong with it.

I can’t help but get the feeling that others are more focused on what I’m expecting in response from them, then they are about what it is they feel themselves.  Almost like people assume or think that I’m looking for comfort, help, love, advice . . . as if I’m something that is broken or in need of fixing.

Except . . . I’m not.  Unless I’m specifically asking for help or advice, that is not my reason for sharing things.  I just need to feel what I’m feeling, and I also have a need to share what those feelings are.  I don’t need help or advice because in the act of feeling and sharing what I do, it clears the situation for me and then I know exactly what I need to do.

What would be AWESOME, although I’m certainly not going to force anyone, would be if others would share what THEY are feeling inside.  I don’t need to know what you think or feel about what I wrote . . . what did it evoke and make YOU feel?  It doesn’t even have to be related.  If, while reading my post, it evoked an emotion or memory of your own and it doesn’t even seem related . . . share that!

When you truly share what you’re feeling without trying to explain it, or feel sorry for it, defend it, etc. . . . it feels magnificent!  It feels like a huge weight is taken off of you.

I don’t WANT people to praise or pay credence to my awesomeness (unless they truly feel it and that’s what they want to do).  What I want is for people to be able to feel and own their very own feelings.  Don’t make it about me or others.  Make it about you.  Relish in your feelings!  Roll around in them like a pig in manure.  Don’t judge them or try to see them as good or bad or try to see the other side or feel you have to justify them.

Just FEEL what you truly feel inside!

Feeling what you feel inside means focusing on just your feelings unattached to what anyone else thinks or feels.

With my Gemini Sun/Jupiter conjunction, I’m very mercurial in nature.  What I feel will change from minute to minute.  It’s where I shine.  With those two things in opposition to my Neptune/Moon conjunction in Sagittarius (a link to my natal chart here if you’re an astrologer and interested:  astrology) my feelings are all over the place.  That is both where I am at home and where I shine.  I must be allowed to feel whatever I’m feeling without it being a huge fluffing deal, or I will suffer greatly in health.

They flow through me.  They come and go.  While they are there . . . I express them . . . when it’s time for them to leave, I let them go.  This is as natural to me as breathing . . . and yet on paper it looks like I’m a mental bi-polar case.  That’s not seeing me for who I am . . . that’s being afraid of who I am and trying to control it or change it.  Just because it makes others uncomfortable (especially Capricorn energy), doesn’t mean it’s bad or wrong or needs to be repressed or changed.  That’s a limited and narrow way of viewing life.

Mercury is the trickster.  Anyone with Gemini or Virgo energy has this kind of nature in them, and I’m sure struggle in a similar way as I do.  Mercury is the understanding that nothing is permanent, and also that nothing should be taken so seriously.  This is in direct conflict with Pluto/Scorpio/8th house, where everything is deadly serious.  Everything is dead still.  What something is for one moment, is that way F O R E V E R !!!!!!!!

Mercury is all . . . “No.”

Gemini is about laughing at ourselves and not taking ourselves so seriously.  It’s about seeing paradoxes and contradictions in all of life.  Libra focuses more on moderation and balance between duality . . . Gemini is able to fly through, around, and between them like a master gymnast and is very comfortable there.  Like kids.  Kids are very Gemini in nature . . . very curious, very in wonder and in awe of the simplest things around them because it’s all new.

Kids say the darndest things . . . because they’re said in innocence.  They aren’t in a dark serious adult mood . . . they’re just saying what they’re actually seeing or observing in the environment around them.  “Why? Why? Why? But how come?” is Gemini.  The only absolute in the world of Gemini is that there are no absolutes.  If you try to pin them to any one thing or say, “but you said this and now you said this”, you will get nowhere with them.  Their response is most likely to be, “but in that moment I was feeling this and in this moment I’m feeling this . . . they are two different situations.”

It’s about being in the moment and being flexible.  It’s a constant state of opening to receive the moment . . . experience that moment (observe, watch, learn all you can about it while it’s there) . . . and then releasing that moment because you need to be open to receive the next moment coming in.  It is entirely possible to live in this way . . . in a conscious way . . . and have everything work out like magic without worrying or forcing things to be a certain way.  But it makes those who aren’t comfortable with this way of living . . . very, very, nervous.  And their nervousness about the Gemini’s way of being . . . makes Gemini feel very nervous about themselves.

So for me, this is all about getting to my true feelings (Sagittarius moon) and sharing with others (Gemini Sun).  If I have any intent, it’s in others sharing their true feelings (or even trying it out for the first time) and also sharing it with others (or trying it out for the first time).  Not about judging or psychoanalyzing (Pluto in Libra . . . conjunct my descendant) or even trying to help others with their feelings.  The point is just to even be aware of our OWN feelings and getting comfortable in sharing them despite other’s judgment and projections and analyzing.

I’ve done those things to others in the past . . . why? Well, because others were always doing it to me when I was younger.  I was just trying to be silly, playful, mimicking Gemini . . . but holy hell were the things I did taken so seriously and taken so completely out of context.  What I did wasn’t seen in innocence, but always as if I were some guilty master mind manipulator.  So I thought everything was much more serious than it really was, and that my feelings weren’t as innocent as I really felt inside . . . and it led to me disconnecting from my true self.

Well I’m reconnecting.  I’m going to feel what I feel and I’m going to share what I feel, even though it goes against everything we’ve been led to believe as a culture and society.  Even if I’m the only one who believes in my innocence and my mental stability.  Even if I’m left alone in my open heart sharing (which does hurt my feelers, btw) because nobody else is brave enough to do the same.

I hate being left alone.  But at least when I’m being true to myself and being who I am in all of my mercurial, open-hearted, silly, paradoxical ways . . . I’m truly happy and joyful in life.  Which is a lot more than I can say for the majority of humanity.

Here’s the way to read my posts whenever you start taking what I’m saying WAY too Life/Death serious . . . pretend there is a little girl hiding in plain sight (such as behind a sheer curtain with her legs poking out) . . . with her hands covering her mouth trying to stifle her giggles because she thinks she’s being way more clever than she is, but is having fun regardless.

That’s all that needs to be understood about me . . . I’m a silly . . . mischievous . . . giggling little girl at heart.

What Scorpio thinks of Gemini's flexible reality.

What Scorpio thinks of Gemini’s flexible reality.

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

There is a period in our development as children where we do a lot of pretending as we learn about the world around us.  We do things like play doctor or house.  We pretend to be an elephant or a mouse.  It’s a kind of learning through mimicking.  This playful energy is known as Gemini in the zodiac.

Once while I was standing in line at a Starbucks, a young girl of maybe 4 or 5 had walked right up and stood beside me in line.  She perfectly mimicked me, all of the way down to facial expression.  She did it so full heartedly and without apology.  I looked at her, and just for a split second, I had wondered if she was mocking me.  But then realized she was actually giving me a powerful insight into myself.

As a person with Sun and Jupiter conjunct in Gemini . . . I understood intrinsically what she was doing.  The little angel wasn’t mocking me . . . she was wanting to know what it felt like to be like me.

Now, Gemini is known as a “superficial” sign, meaning it’s not trying to understand the subject with immense depth and complexities, it’s just trying things out to get a feel for it.  So the little girl was obviously not trying to see what it was like to be all of me, but the me that she could easily recognize and see on the outside.

This “mini me” held her version of the serious pose of mine for long enough, that I had to struggle to not bust out laughing at how freaking adorable she was being in all her seriousness.  She was also giving me a miniature reflection of just how serious I held myself.

Then her mother called her back to her, and she immediately let go of the pose and went back into a little girl butterfly with arms and legs fluttering her way back to mom.  It was a truly magical transformation that she made so effortlessly.  It affected me profoundly, moving me to tears.

It was the beginning of a valuable insight regarding me and my interaction with others.  Why people mistake me for being so much more serious than I actually am.

In my house of other, you’ll find Pluto in Libra and Uranus in Scorpio.  These both (because of the Pluto/Scorpio influence) are a couple of tight-lipped, secretive mother-fluffers.  As I was growing up, I wasn’t getting much information from them . . . so I would mimic them.  I would put my body in the way they held their body, make my face the way they made their face, use the tone they used, saying the things they said.  I quickly learned to do it in private, because I wasn’t as fortunate as the girl who had found her way to me in that Starbuck’s line.  My mimicking was not appreciated or tolerated.  I believe it was seen as “sassing”.

In addition, I have that Saturn in Leo in the 5th house.  That is the sign and house of actors.  Saturn there, is an actor that takes his work very seriously.  This mimicking thing was very serious stuff to me.  I needed to throw my whole heart into it.  I took method acting to a whole new level.

However, while I may have looked and acted like the Pluto/Uranus people I mimicked, inside I was just playing.  I *wasn’t* being serious.  I was being mischievous and giggly Gemini.  I was absolutely lost in the sauce every time someone responded to me like I was being over dramatic, or too intense, or too serious, or that I needed to calm down . . . because what I was showing, wasn’t what I was actually experiencing on the inside.  I was very often feeling playful and happy inside.

That’s not to say I wasn’t ever in a rotten mood.  I definitely had full blown Gemini mixed with Aries temper tantrums.

But for the majority of the time, I was not taking myself as seriously as everyone thought I was.  They were too busy being scared of their own reflection.  For myself, I had no fluffing clue what was going on.  I was just trying things on and playing . . . and everyone else was having explosive and intense responses to me for it but nobody would ever explain why.

To better illustrate this part of myself, think of a Shakespearean Actor.  Imagine this grand actor is on the stage . . . in a single spotlight with darkness surrounding him . . . all eyes on him.

He’s standing there, fully committed to his role.  Over-emphasizing his features in order to silently convey to the audience the struggle he is feeling inside.  He is allowing the tension of the moment to build, and the intensity of his current plight to really sink in deep.  No escape from the reality of the situation.  Looking out into the distance far beyond the audience and into another world that only he sees.

The audience itself is dead quiet except for the occasional shifting in their seats.

He begins the much awaited soliloquy from Hamlet.

To BE. {pause for dramatic effect} Or . . . NOT TO BE . . . that is the question . . .

Everyone is enraptured and pulled into that single moment.  Everyone is united in that moment . . . nothing else exists.  All being transported to another place and time with the actor.

Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

The audience continues to listen as a single unit, as if they’re seeing into a human’s private moment . . . one that is not normally shared with another.  They can feel something deeper inside that they normally tune out.

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

And by opposing . . . end them?  To die, to sleep–

And then have some doofus in the audience stand up and say, “OMG, stop being so goddamn dramatic.  Good lord!  You need to relax and stop taking things so seriously.  Maybe your life sucks because you’re standing up on a stage all day when you could be outside enjoying the sunshine.  Sheesh.  Some people just think the whole world revolves around them.  Well guess what buddy? . . . I have problems too you know . . . you’re not the only one you self-centered son-of-a-bitch.  I’m outta here, I don’t have to put up with this nonsense.”

Imagine how confused the actor would be.  Didn’t the audience member *know* that this isn’t real?  That it’s all pretend?  That the actor isn’t the role he plays?  That of course the actor isn’t the one taking it so seriously, he’s just playing the role of someone who does take it all seriously.

Of course, there are also the actors who play a role for so long, that the line begins to blur between themselves and the character they are.  And I have that same problem myself.

When I was younger I could keep it straight.  I knew that wasn’t me.  But people kept responding to my character or role in such a real and convincing way . . . that I started to forget that I *wasn’t* that role.  I just played one on TV.

I guess I should take that as a testament for how good I am at role playing and pretending.

If I could go back in time, I would tell little me that no, you’re not really all of the bad things that everyone tells you that you are.  You’re just fully committed to your way of learning, playing, and pretending.  You’re so good at it, in fact . . . that they can’t tell the difference between your pretending and the real thing . . . so be more forgiving of other’s reaction to you.

And also . . . how about instead . . . you use that same level of commitment to just be the you inside instead?  That way, instead of being the scary reflection of other’s shadows . . . you could instead be the beautiful reflection of other’s light?

Cat Killing Balloon

Let My Big Heart Run Free

Having such huge intense archetypes hitting personal points on your natal chart is a hoot, let me tell ya.

These are no mere mortal mood swings I’m having.  It’s like the Gods and Goddesses are having recess in my psyche.  It’s so B I G . . . E P I C . . . I N T E N S E . . . and oh so D R A M A T I C.  I feel like this could use a soundtrack.  {goes to look for mood setting music}  Ah, here’s one.  It’s like living in the middle of this all of the time (Audiomachine – Guardians at the Gate):

Actually . . . pretty much anything by Audiomachine is appropriate.

In order to let that big of an energy through . . . you have to do some heavy duty surrendering, letting go, and opening up W I D E.  Meaning, you can’t be thinking small thoughts of yourself.  If you only think tiny little human thoughts, it doesn’t give enough room to let the archetype energy through . . . and it wreaks havoc on the physical body.

However, If you don’t have some sort of discipline around dealing with that intense of an energy . . . then you stop being able to properly function as a human here in the practical day-to-day world.  You could end up in the cuckoo house.

What I’m attempting to do in the middle of my own crazy . . . is surrender to the energy to easily allow it through (which makes it go from chaotic to peaceful within seconds) . . . but to ALSO ground it into this reality.  This requires that I simultaneously open and trust the energy going through me . . . BUT stay consciously aware and consciously direct the flow of the energy.

What I just described . . . the consciously channeling the archetype energy outwards . . . is an esoteric understanding of Aquarius . . . ruler of Uranus.  Uranus is currently on my Ascendant, coming in from the other side of the Veil (Pisces/12th house) into an individual person (Aries/1st house).  So . . . in a way, archetype energy is being birthed through me, the same as a baby’s soul comes through the mom and into the baby, and then she gives birth to the baby into this physical world.  Because this is Aries and Uranus . . . it could be birthing a bunch of new ideas.

I got to thinking about this earlier this morning because I had something start to switch in me.  I was feeling the “Wrathful Mother” coming through yesterday.  She was all grumpy gills at the Black Smoke (Pluto).  But having let that rage come through . . . it started clearing out blockages in my energy.  So then what I started to experience, was a deeper letting go inside of me.  I could feel myself deeper . . . and I started to bump into a reservoir of emotions and feelings.  Ones that were SO GIGANTIC . . . that I couldn’t let them through while I was holding a grudge against Mr. Black Smoke.  I couldn’t let the grudge go, until I let myself feel SUPER ANGRY about it.

When I first gently bumped into this reservoir I *remembered* it.  “Oh yes.  Now I remember this place.”  It’s where I feel and find my Neptune/Moon in my body.  It’s roughly the area of my lower spine . . . that’s a poor way to describe it, because it’s most definitely a place outside of time and space, but the doorway TO my Neptune/Moon is in that region of my body.

It’s where I have access to what I call my Heart.  Not my human heart . . . but my Big Momma Heart.  Neptune/Moon.  Compassionate Mother.

As I poked my big toe into the reservoir, I felt . . . I felt the Dark Smoke Pluto from another perspective.  I felt his . . . aloneness.  I felt his pain and hurt.  And it touched a bigger part of me . . . the Momma part of me.  I felt my bigger Heart s w E L L  HUGE.  I felt an understanding and love for what this being or archetype had gone through himself.  It’s not easy being the Devil.

So I could let it go . . . I could let the anger go that I felt towards that energy, and in doing so it gave me greater access to a deeper love and peace in me.

Then I had a clearer understanding of what I’m doing here.  That this large reservoir is related to my purpose.  That everything up to now has been preparation for me to be able to handle this larger archetype energy through and into this world.  These great.big.momma.feelers.  They are so huge that I can’t let them through while I pretend I’m a small nobody.  I can’t let them through while I’m holding onto anything that isn’t real.  I can’t let them through while I’m being self conscious.

Those things were in place in order to keep those big feelings from destroying me before I was ready . . . but I’m ready now.  So I have to let go of those limited, small thoughts in order to become what I came here to be and do.  I have to completely change my approach and perspective to life.  Let myself love big.  Let myself feel big.  Let my Big Heart run free.

Level Mom