Tarred, Feathered, and Upside Down on the Tree of Life

Snip snip goes the scissors cutting the strings, separating me further from the life I’ve known.  Having always played by the rules, always taken the harder path.  Worked hard.  Always I’ve worked hard.

Fighting to survive . . . fighting to not give up.  Never feeling like I’m enough.  I must learn more, do more, be more.  Then . . . maybe then I’ll be enough.  Maybe then I won’t have to fight so hard to exist, to live.  Maybe then I won’t have to work so hard to prove that I’m worth having here.  That I’m worth feeding, worth housing without working myself into an early grave.

Always haunted by this feeling that if I don’t do as I’m told, then my basic necessities for survival will be ripped from underneath me.  Keep in line, keep my mouth shut, and do as I’m told or I could be out on my ass.  Over time, I pulled any parts of myself that might get me into trouble or fired so that I could continue providing for my family.  Not wanting to be a burden on anyone.

I worked so hard for so long, doing everything right.  Willingly and consciously sacrificing myself for my son to have a solid foundation in which to begin his own life.

He turned 20 this September.  He tried to call me, but I found that I couldn’t answer.  The pain and disappointment of what he’s done is just now starting to sink into me, especially upon hearing how many years in prison he’ll most likely be serving.

“What was it all for?” I ask myself.  “What was the point of all of my sacrifice?  . . . What is the point of me now?”

Since the fateful day of seeing the news clip which featured my son being walked into court in handcuffs, I have found it increasingly difficult to stuff myself away in the name of necessity and survival.  It’s become more difficult to keep my mouth shut about what I’m really feeling.  Less effort goes into trying to be invisible.

It’s hard to be afraid of what others may think or do to you when the one thing that had made your life worth living has been taken away from you.

I have lived such a muted and unexpressed life.  I have played it so safe.  I have so much more inside of me than I’ve dared to show or share.  I would deeply regret my life if I failed to live up to my true potential, and so far I’ve barely tapped into it.

I found out a little over a week ago that my current work assignment will be ending, today being my last day.  Being a consultant, my agency is looking for a new assignment, but I can’t help but feel like the universe is trying to get a message across to me with all the kicking, biting, and slapping it’s doing while I’m face first in the dirt.

If ever there was a time in my life that I was being given the green light to start doing my thing, this would be it.  A world turned upside down with everything I’ve known until now being ripped away from me all at once.  There is a rare freedom felt in a moment like that.  Freed from the fear of loss with everything to gain.