Trying To Process Events Going On In The World As Well As In Myself

I did this video last night, but I’m just now posting it.  It’s not my favorite video.  I restarted it 3 times and had to fight throughout to not just completely give up on the video, and then it’s long on top of it.  (Jenn, you’re such a great salesperson, how could I not watch it with such a great endorsement).  I’m trying to make sense of things for myself at the moment regarding things going on both in the greater world as well as myself personally.

I say nonsensical things like, “It’s like bridge under water.”  When I’m in this ‘trying to figure it out’ phases, I say a lot of things in an effort to try and connect things to see what is really trying to be shown or said by something bigger than me.  So some of the things I say are fleeting and not necessarily *true*, but just fluffing up all of the pieces that seemed to be involved to see what goes together.  I am feeling out how things feel when saying them to distinguish whether it belongs in the equation or not.  This is a process I go through looking for the bread crumbs that relate together to show me the direction I should be going.

This is me in flux, in extreme flexibility.  I’m not actually judging people and events, I’m just feeling them out.  I hear myself constantly trying to clarify what I mean when I say anything that may suggest that I am being unfair about something I say about other people (such as coworkers) in my life.  I don’t want the things I say to be taken out of context, I don’t want to hurt other’s feelings, and no I don’t want to be unfair to other people because I’ve been on the receiving end of that far too much.  But at the same time, it totally throws off my flow about what I’m trying to say because whatever I’m saying about them isn’t the point that I’m trying to get to.

I definitely halt my expression by trying to be too sensitive about what I say about others in my life, like I don’t get to have my own perspective or opinion about how I am experiencing my own life.  I think that plays into me feeling like I don’t get to have my own feelings.  I do tend to get attacked when I try to express how situations are making me feel that involve other people.  I’m sure it’s something to do with the way I go about doing it, my presentation or perhaps the people I’ve surrounded myself with in the past.  Some people will attack me for trying to say my side, and when I get upset about it, they’ll tell me to not take it so personally . . . and then my feelings really get hurt because it seems like them attacking me for having my own feelings, was them taking it personally.

I struggled in this video by not letting myself stop it or give up and by attempting to say what I’m really feeling even if it gets misinterpreted or misunderstood and so it’s a very uncomfortable video for me and it was even harder to make myself publish it and now post it.  I did keep filtering myself and trying to be “fair” to everyone and so there’s moments where I start to break through that and just say what I’m really feeling and then moments where I go back to restricting myself or feeling ashamed of what I’m saying.  This is all really good for me.  This is further helping me get past worrying about other’s responses or reactions to me.

It helps every time I get a favorable or supportive response, because it starts to rewrite in me what usually happens when I express myself.  It will eventually reach a point where I won’t be able to say that people respond to me unfavorably because it will no longer be true for me.  While I could get to a place of not caring about what other’s say on my own, I don’t have to fight quite so hard to do it when I start receiving different responses from others than what I’m used to.  My audience tends to be very silent and for the most part I’ve come to peace with that, but I’m seeing how much better and easier it is for me to push through when someone does respond in a more supportive way such as a recent commenter, Supreet, has been doing.  He says things in a more open, Aries-like way, and not so judgmental or closed and I can’t say how much I appreciate it.  His sharing his thoughts that people normally keep to themselves, does help give me courage to keep trying.  It does help me feel like I’m less alone in my fight and struggle to find my true voice and express it without fear.

It helps me see that it’s a two way street.  I’ve always taken responsibility for all my relationships failing because I didn’t know that the other person was suppose to contribute more to the relationship.  Whenever someone starts to contribute or share from their side, I feel such a burden come off of my shoulders, like it’s not ALL up to me.  I don’t have to do all of the work for things to happen or work out.  Having that contrast from what I normally experience with others, shines such a light on what I’ve been really dealing with.  Others don’t show up for life or for their relationship with me.  They are checked out and so yes I am left alone.  It’s not all my fault.

At any rate, here’s the video, and when I get more time I’ll come back to give a couple of links for the earthquake that I spoke about in the video.

Edit to add:  Here’s a link to the video where the man walks through the town right after the earthquake has happened.

And here’s another one with the view over the rooftops.  Since then, they’ve added a lot of annoying boxes making it hard to see the actual video, but I just wanted to point to this one specifically since I spoke about it in my video.

And one more with a compilation of 3 different videos.  The 3rd video, is one where I dreamt of an identical street and thoroughfare about a year or so ago.

Comments

  1. I also wrote by your you-tube, Yet i feel i want to write here as well…. Saying Thank you, for speaking your heart. You speak straight to my heart. Still feeling this deep silence listening to you. No words, just lots of deep feelings, where I cannot find words for… So yes, Thank you is all I can say now. Much love, Mirjam( sunshine)

    Liked by 3 people

    • p.s. one thing, do something with your writing. i love the way you word things 🙂 ❤
      Plus i loved your whole video…. Its so deeply authentic and raw… its makes me feel deeply and seeing. we are so worth being. You are beautiful ❤ ❤ ❤

      Then lets all be bananas 😉 Yes, I saw the video to the end. And yes i truly Love the realness and rawness. ❤

      Much love,
      Mirjam /Sunshine ❤

      Liked by 3 people

      • LOL! Oh Sunshine . . . you have me laugh crying. I am really so surprised by your response because I really was struggling with the video and was thinking what a piece of crap it was and so I can’t tell you how much it means to me that it spoke to you. Thank you so much for sharing your response to me. I really needed this. Thank you thank you thank you. And okay . . . yes, I will write. I’ve heard it way too much recently to try and ignore it any longer. Thank you for that too.

        Liked by 2 people

        • Your so very welcome, Jennifer, and you also inspire me to write more, Even though I am working on a fantasy/spiritual novel, just tiny step, with tiny step. Even though sometimes I also feel, will this be good enough, but then realizing, Just keep on writing, enjoy the journey doing it. I realized also reading your words, and watching your you tube, i need to write also more on my blogs and so on. Cause i do feel realness and rawness, and just writing from the heart will also be good practice and letting things out. And i think the universe brought me back to your blog and your you-tube for a reason… To see, this is what we all need, realness, heartness, ( just created that word, lol, yeah maybe we need new words ) And Soulfulness in this wonderful world, creating it from within. And you Jennifer are doing that. And yes, maybe its not for everybody, yet i see, it will be more and more, if we will be creating it more and more. Standing behind our own heart and humanness. speaking our hearts. For me that will never be boring. Much Love Mirjam/Sunshine.

          Liked by 1 person

          • I do hope you continue writing. I feel you have much to share with others, if you can get through to it. I can tell you’ve been working on yourself since we were last in contact, because there is strength in you that wasn’t there before. There is less nervous wavering in your energy. It feels like you are finding your way back to yourself. There is more give in you.

            I do feel that the real you is looking to surface . . . the realness and rawness you feel is that. So please do keep writing. Please do keep practicing writing from your heart. I do feel that you have something very beautiful to share with us here on Earth. Something that you have to be very still and quiet and gentle to reach without scaring it away. Humble and open. It is something delicate, subtle, but beautiful beyond imagining.

            I can feel it like a flower with a closed bud, waiting to be discovered by you so that it can bloom. I can feel the need for it to be brought into this world as purely as possible, so any hard work and effort you put into making that come about, will be worth it and greatly appreciated. I find myself looking forward to the day you truly find your voice and share what you have inside.

            Don’t focus on trying to write something great that will be loved, focus on what nourishes your inner self and feels good to you. Don’t try to make it look like something, let it show you how it wants to look. Let it lead and guide you to where it wants to go.

            Like

      • Wait, let me reword that, it’s not that I thought it was a piece of crap, because it was about things that are important to me, but I meant that I didn’t think others would find value in it. Thinking it would be so terribly boring for others. The idea that I could speak just about what means something to me and it mean something to someone else too, is the best gift ever.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Its beautiful to see you….being you, Jenn. I wasn’t able to watch ALL of it but the parts that I did, made me feel connected. Love you SiStar.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Dearest Carmen! ❤ Just now writing to Mirjam, I was also thinking of you. You share a lot of things on facebook and you are always speaking out for others, but I am feeling a wish for you to share something more of yourself. Always the focus being on helping others or the underdog . . . but where are *you* in all of this? Do you paint? Do you knit? I know you dance! 😀 I feel a craving to experience something you've created yourself, much more than you trying to look out for others.

      Instead of a bud of a flower, like I felt with Mirjam, I feel a fire (kind of like in a shape of a bud, or even a kind of teardrop) in the center of you that is surrounded by darkness. Not a scary darkness, but like the cloak of night over a campfire. It is warming, it is comforting, it wants to create something personal. The fire wants to be fed, it wants to grow. It wants to come out to play. There's been enough seriousness and struggle in your life. It's time to enjoy and let go.

      Like

  3. Cherry Blossom Pink says:

    I’m bananas if you are.

    Have you tried putting your skills to work for a not-for-profit, one that furthers a cause you’re passionate about? You might still be in an office, but at least you’d care deeply about the end result.

    Liked by 3 people

    • 🙂 Ha! I think I’m going to do that more often in my videos. Bananas are fun.

      I’m still thinking and feeling this out, what you suggested, so I’ll have to get back to you on that. I’m glad you mentioned it because it’s helping me think outside of my own “I have no other options” box that I’ve closed myself into. Playing in boxes is fun, but not being trapped in one. 🙂

      Like

      • Cherry Blossom Pink says:

        Another possibility, or maybe part of the same one. I haven’t gone back to check; but I think you mentioned interest in writing as a career. Perhaps an introductory job in the industry would get a foot in the door. Good contacts and all. Your office skills would probably fit in well. Of course, that could backfire; you might discover you hate the business. But there are publications with a POV; and maybe one would inspire you.

        Best of luck.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Cherry Blossom Pink says:

        One more thing. You always have options. Sometimes one jumps out at you. Then, the right choice is obvious. Sometimes it feels like the only two are a rock and hard place.

        But when it comes to the work we do, if we can’t – yet – get our dream career, we can start at the bottom and climb our way up the ladder.

        There’s a wide world out there. Many people looking for hard workers with talent and fire. Don’t quit your day job. Just start sending out feelers. Something’ll come of it.

        Liked by 1 person

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