A Little Bit Louder Now

I’m in a nice and fiery mood today.  A no nonsense mood.  An ‘I’ve had enough bullshit for one lifetime, please and thank you’ mood.

Not an angry mood.  Not a defensive mood.  Not an ‘I’m not putting up with other people and cutting them out of my life’ mood.

A feeling of getting fired up and clear-headed.  Shaking the sleep and cobwebs out of my head.  Pushing the sludge out and the oxygen into my veins.  Taking in a huge deep breath to help me sit up taller, fuller, and to be more alert to the world around me.

You’ve heard of the boiled frog theory, right?  The idea that if you put a frog into a pan of water and heat it up slowly enough over time, that the frog will not notice the temperature change and eventually boil to death.  It’s to illustrate how we can become conditioned to increasing dangers over long periods of time.

I feel like we’re a bunch of frogs currently boiling to death in bullshit.

I feel that people as a whole have lost their center of gravity and as a result, they are losing their effing minds.

Just because a person is entitled to their opinion, doesn’t mean they are right.  Just because a person is confident in what they are saying, doesn’t mean it’s the truth.  Just because someone has scientific research to back up their opinion, doesn’t mean it is a fact.  Just because something has the backing of a lot of people, doesn’t mean it’s a good thing.

This era of political correctness, awareness, equality, and fairness for every teeny, tiny little thing has gone completely off of the deep end.

So has this stupid, STUPID (oh noes, here comes the ‘Committee for the Rights of Stupid People’) War between Science and Religion that have people on both sides who need to be put in the corner for a time out.

Science is a method in which to observe and learn about our world and existence.  Our world and existence is far beyond and bigger than Science has had time to observe and learn about.  Science is limited and it is SMALLER than our world and existence, so do not try to shove all of existence into that small box and try to tell me that that’s all there is, because it is not.

I like and I respect science, but it is NOT the end all be all and I will most certainly not allow it to overwrite something I know to be otherwise in my heart.  Science is not a replacement for our consciousness and our feelings.  It has its purpose and it has its place, and it needs to be kept in proper perspective.

Science is just now reaching the outer edges of what I already intrinsically knew and understood as a young child before I got passed through school and was told that those things weren’t possible.  Do you know how upsetting it is to be constantly told by smug educated adults that you are wrong and to feel like you’re a bleeping idiot who doesn’t understand the world at all, only to find out decades later that you were right the whole time?

My own voice was drowned out by those that we are taught as children to respect and listen to.  And do you know what I’ve learned as an adult?  That the ones doing all of the talking and deciding for the rest of us, are mostly faking and bullshitting their way through it.  They are so good at making a case, and in sounding confident, and having “proof” to back up their story, that it feels like I have nothing of substance to offer and so I keep quiet.

How many people are out there that know better than the loudmouths running amok and are silenced for similar reasons I’ve kept quiet for so long?  People who actually have something worth saying and that people are in great need of hearing, but who feel like there is no point because they wouldn’t be heard among the masses?  Or who don’t feel like they would be taken seriously because they just know things.  Things they can’t explain and they can’t prove because science hasn’t caught up to them yet?

Things that are fundamental truths that have been lost and that need to be heard so that we can remember ourselves again and pull our shit back together?

I have fought so hard to get to this point, this point right here.  Speaking my feelings out loud.  I have spent decades finding my courage to say things out loud starting with disciplining myself to start writing in a journal every day.  Pushing myself to write things in ink that I was too scared to even allow into my head.  Years I spent just doing this, trying to overcome my fear to allow my OWN VOICE to be allowed into my OWN mind!

I used to write caveats and excuses and pages of explanations for an emotional outburst I had weeks before, saying that please if the person ever read my journal, please understand that I was just upset and that really I love you and I hope it didn’t hurt your feelings.  It took me years to stop apologizing in my journals for my seeming contradictions where I felt one way one month and then found myself writing something else that seemed to contradict it later.  Trying to understand myself, and always sorry for how I was.

Constantly pushing myself to take it to the next level.  I started going to discussion boards.  Not having the courage to even setup an account, let alone leave a comment.  When I finally did, I nearly effing died of embarrassment and humiliation.  It took me days to regain control of myself.  I felt like I had jumped out of an airplane with no parachute.  This also took years of trying and then getting too scared and retreating and then trying again.

Now look at me.  I’m blogging my little heart out.  I still fall into old habits.  I still freak the hell out and have to retreat and work really hard to regain my courage to get back on here and say something, anything.  This has not been easy for me.  What you are seeing right now is the result of a lifetime of pushing through sheer terror to be heard.  This accomplishment is my victory, my triumph in life.  The one thing in my life that I did for me and nobody else.

I still don’t always get things written out how I mean them, because fear makes the walls close in on me and my vocabulary and ability to communicate starts to diminish.  But goddammit I keep coming back and I keep risking looking like a total idiot and making mistakes and being misunderstood.  I fight really hard to not jump back on here immediately after I write a post to apologize for any number of ways my words could be misconstrued.

I reread my own posts many times afterwards until I can let go of the fear of something I said being public and people I don’t even know reading it and forming opinions about me that I have absolutely no control over no matter how unwarranted or unfair it is to me.

But yes . . . there are people out there, maybe even you reading this right now, who have things to say that do need to be heard in the world right now more than ever.  The world needs more of the *right* people speaking up.  The world needs more thoughtful people with heart to say what they know and feel inside even if it can’t be proven, even if it’s said in a shaky, timid, and insecure voice.  Even if you think no one is hearing you . . . please, find the courage to speak it anyways.  You don’t know that what you have to say, isn’t the very thing that someone needed to hear in all of the world.

cat-trying-to-be-serious

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