Gemini – The Inner Child

“Hello darkness my old friend . . . ”

Just kidding!  The Sun is currently in Gemini, bitches!

Having a Sun/Jupiter conjunction in Gemini, I have a personal affection for this sign.

Sun Jupiter Conjunct

There’s a lot of trash talk out there regarding Gemini, so I’d like to put in my two cents regarding my own personal experience with the sign of the Twins.  If you’re looking for the typical regurgitated list of keywords regarding what Gemini is . . . then move along little doggy, because this isn’t what you’re looking for.

When I’m first learning something, yes . . . I use keywords.  But then I immediately want to understand how it actually looks, feels, sounds like in real life.  It might have something to do with my Sun/Jupiter being located in the 2nd house that is naturally ruled by Taurus . . . an Earth sign.  Let’s ground that shit.

The Sun is currently in Gemini (end of May- most of June), which means my birthday is coming up.

Sherbert

Let’s see . . . where do I start . . .

I know!  Let’s start with how the energy of Gemini feels.

On a warm summer day.  You’re out in a field of flowers, maybe on a mountain side.  The sky is clear blue.  And then a gentle, refreshing summer breeze comes through and makes you come to life!  Ahhh!  Life is good!

Gemini is that summer breeze.  It’s playful, child-like, smiling, and goes all ‘Sound of Music’ on your ass.  It’s a vibrant color of yellow.  Not pale yellow, not neon yellow . . . but Full of Life Yellow!  Yay!

Gemini reminds us not to take life SO Serious!  O.O

Serious Cat

Laugh once in awhile for god’s sake.

I view the zodiac as a framework for understanding different working energies in the universe and that each serves a purpose.  Each has a spectrum of ways it could manifest from the “I’m brand new to this shit and don’t know what the hell I’m doing” or less mature side, to the “I’ve swam these waters for millennia and I totally know what’s up and I do it well” or more mature side.

I also understand that there aren’t necessarily “opposites” to each sign . . . but a polarity.  Each sign has it’s polarity on it’s opposing side.  If you want to better understand any one sign, you need to also understand the opposing sign.  For Gemini that is Sagittarius.  But more on that later.

Gemini.  Gemini likes . . . nay . . . NEEDS to label things.  “What’s this?”  “What about this?”  “What’s that called?”  Gemini is the universe’s label maker.  It doesn’t want an in-depth description about whatever *it* is.  Curious by nature, Gemini isn’t looking to pass judgment or to use it later for manipulative purposes . . . it just wants a name to call it by.  So later when Gemini is with their friends they can share what they learned with them.

Gemini loves to share.  Not-so-grown up Gemini will gossip like no other.  If you have a secret you want to be kept a secret . . . pssst . . . here’s a secret . . . DON’T tell an immature Gemini.  It’s not because they’re trying to be mean . . . there is a very real compulsion in the Gemini energy to *share*.  To share experiences, share stories, share information . . . connect and share . . . connect and share.

Social Media?  {Insert evil little kid laugh here}  That is so.Gemini.  O.M.G.  I can’t even.

When we’re little kids, we learn by mimicking those around us.  Gemini is that little kid.  Trying to learn and take in as much information about their immediate environment as possible and share what they learn with others.  And just like a kid, they can be unpredictably moody.  Giggles and sunshine one minute, death stare and DOOM the next.  The Twins.

Making connections.  Not just with others, but also between things.  Because Gemini tends to skim a wide swath of topics in an attempt to satisfy their curiosity,  they can also potentially start to see connections between things that the less curious (boring) person might not notice.

Gemini, being an air sign (hello light breeze), is more of an intellectual sign.  It’s not about feelers or emotions.  It’s not trying to save the goddamn world.  That doesn’t come until much later in the zodiac process, with the air sign of Aquarius.  Gemini is just trying to observe and understand things as they are.

Language and communication is a big thing with Gemini.  Also with Virgo because both are ruled by Mercury, the planet of communication.  My son is a Virgo (Sun & Moon).  So I’ve tried to understand what the differences are between the signs because they very much behave in parallel with each other.  It can get a little confusing.

What I’ve observed so far (in my awesome Gemini superhero ways) is that Gemini tends to process information by being outwardly verbal about it.  Virgo (an Earth sign) tends to process information more internally . . . and using more actual senses than Gemini.  Virgo is more practical.  Gemini is head in the clouds.  Thank GOD I have Mercury in Taurus or I’d be a complete space cadet with how the rest of my chart is.

Both Virgo and Gemini tend to be more aware of details.  But Virgo can stay in the details on something specific for a long time.  Gemini is like fuck that.  After 2.5 seconds, Gemini is bored with the topic and moving on.  My son has been learning all of the details and surrounding details regarding making his own digital music.  I’ve seen the program.  He has put in years of his life understanding what each little nobby thing does if he tweaks something this way or that way.  He spends his own money that he’s saved up patiently (he’s a Taurus rising) on textbooks regarding the history of digital music and on music theory.

He blows my mind.  How in the hell do you keep studying all those insanely intricate controls and doo-dads in that program month after month?  I would lose my goddamn mind.  *That’s* a real life example of the difference between a Gemini and a Virgo.

BTW, what I mean by *details* for Gemini, is what I call clue pieces.  At any given time I’m holding virtually in my mind, any and all loose end pieces of information that don’t quite make sense to me or fit in with anything.  My own personal virtual web of ‘WTFs?’ that the jury is still out on.  As I continue to learn new things, sometimes I hit upon new information that *pings* one of my ‘WTF?’ files, and starts to fill in the missing blanks of me understanding something.

Short tangent here.  I always assumed that Virgo would be the type to love actual jigsaw puzzles, because . . . detail.  Look at all the detail you have to focus on.  Smorgasbord of detail.  But you know what?  All of the people in my life with prominent Virgo energy (that I’ve bothered to ask) cannot seem to tolerate jigsaw puzzles.  They approach them like their hair is going to catch fire.  I, on the other hand, LOVE jigsaw puzzles.  OMG they are the best.  And any friends that I’ve ever had who likes puzzles like I do . . . Gemini.

Board games.  <– Gemini says yes.  But expect this if things don’t go how we like:

flipping tables

That’s how I end monopoly games.

So now’s probably a good time to bring up the opposing side of Gemini, which is Sagittarius.  I equally LOVE Sagittarius.  But that’s probably to do with my Moon and Neptune being there.

Gem Sag Axis

Even if you can’t read the symbols, I’m sure you can guess that the little crescent moon shape is . . . the moon.  :O  The trident next to it is Neptune.

Sagittarius is the ‘higher education’ portion of the zodiac.  Gemini, cute little school kid . . . Sagittarius, the person working on their PHD.  Gemini = Knowledge . . . Sagittarius =Wisdom.  Gemini = Concrete observation . . . Sagittarius = Abstract concepts.  Gemini = pieces or *clues* about this and that . . . Sagittarius = the bigger picture.

For me personally, Sagittarius is about the Higher Truth.  Sagittarius also rules belief, religion, prophecy, and zealotry.  Here you can get someone who is pretty sure they know the truth and omg are they going to let you know all about it.  But just as in all signs . . . there is the immature/mature expression.

With my Neptune/Moon there . . . I *feel* truth in my own personal feelings and emotions.  However, I have to make sure I’m being brutally honest with myself and always practicing discernment, but that doesn’t mean I’m always succeeding because I’m currently stuffed into a human body and shit happens.

So my Gemini goes on clue hunts and picks up bits and pieces of information from all over, and my Sagittarius ponders and feels them out.  The stuff that hits the *true* vibe stays, the rest is thrown into a bag of NOPE.  However, I do keep the bag of NOPE around because sometimes when I’m really stuck on a problem I have to go through that bag of NOPE and see if I didn’t accidentally throw something out that I actually need.

I’m a data hoarder.

Where Gemini has it’s tentacles scattered out to the four winds, Sagittarius zooms me in to a single focus and helps me recollect myself.  Gemini is like a web crawler that goes out searching for information, and Sagittarius is like the search engine that allows me to search for something specifically.  Sagittarius allows me to zoom up real high and look at the bigger picture to help me understand why maybe my clue pieces aren’t fitting right.

Hence, why I LOVE puzzles.  Little pieces making up the one picture.  Plus, it’s temporary.  I get a new one . . . I have new colors to dig through and sort.  A new picture to aim for (So Sag, aiming for a single target) using the little pieces (Gemini).  Once it’s done, I usually take a deep sigh (and then a picture) . . . and then I tear that shit apart and throw it back in the box and go get another puzzle . . . with all new colors and . . .

Point being, it’s a fun way to exercise that axis of my chart.  Keep my observational skills sharpened as well as keeping the transition from bigger picture to details and back to bigger picture nice and flexible.  It’s my version of “lifting weights”.  Feels goooood.

Also, Sagittarius wants to find meaning in things.  It’s always in the pursuit of Truth.  Philosophizing.  “Yes, but what does it all mean!?”  And that helps my superficial Gemini a lot.  Basically this axis of my chart, with the planets being in the signs and houses that they are, is all about understanding reality . . . both here and the other side of the Veil.  It’s like my whole expression of being is bent on finding, learning, understanding this reality and the reality after we die and connecting the two together.  What is real here . . . okay and what is real there . . . okay . . . now what do both have in common . . . is this a universal truth or something that is only true for now?  And why?  But how come?

Okay.  There’s so much more I could say about Gemini, but you know . . . we all have lives to get back to and what not.  So . . . go be free . . . be free my little butterflies!  Enjoy the Sun in Gemini time!  Be silly, giggle, get an ice cream cone, watch cartoons, frolick, have fun with friends, play pretend, build a cushion fort, be mischievous!

Shrubbery

 

Are You Truly Done With Suffering?

There is a Truth.  A Divine Blueprint.

There are any number of ways to tell the story of the Divine Blueprint.

All considered True, as long as they retain the original structure of the Original Blueprint.

The closer it aligns to the Original, the more Pure and Whole it is.  The more it is considered Holy and Sacred.

So yes, there is a single Truth in this existence.  And there are many ways to perceive it.  Many paths to pursue it.

. . .

Anything that strays from the integrity of that Truth, is outside of what is Real.

Anything outside of what is Real, is the source of all of our pain and sorrow.

The closer you align to the Truth, to your own Original Blueprint . . . the one made specifically for you by Source itself . . . the special perspective that you were asked to hold of the One Truth . . .

That is what we know here as “healing”.

. . .

Only what is Real and True will heal you.

Only what is Real and True will fill that hole in you.

. . .

You can believe whatever you want to believe.

But if you’re still sick . . .

Unhappy . . .

In pain . . .

Confused . . .

Scared . . .

Then you are still holding onto a belief within yourself that is not true,

And you are still wounded, out of alignment with your Real Truth.

. . .

The very moment you surrender the belief you hold that is outside of what is Real . . .

You will find immediate relief from your suffering.

Immediate.

shakti_green tara

 

 

My Raven Girl

The sun is out and it’s beautiful.  I’m trying to decide if I want to write or go take a nap.

Two days ago on May 5th, I had to say goodbye to my girl kitty, Raven.  Less than two weeks ago I had taken her in because she seemed to be having a hard time shaking off a cold.  Turns out the “cold” was her in stage 4 renal failure.  Basically, the end.  She was just one month shy of her 7th birthday which is two days after my own birthday.

Normally the vets are dealing with cats who are more like 14 or 15 years old.  It was hard even for them to watch a kitty so young struggle with kidney disease.

I’ve barely had any sleep since I found out.  At first I lost sleep because of the news and wanting to spend every moment I had left with her.  Then it was because she was unable to get comfortable herself and was in constant need for comfort and love.  Having “mommy ears”, it’s impossible to hear any little squeak or peep without waking up and walking towards the *being* in need to help them while nearly comatose myself.

Now I can’t sleep because my world is still upside down and I hardly know what to do with myself.

I held her close to my heart until the end . . . until I felt the warmth start to leave her body.

The crying comes on suddenly and in periodic spurts.  Like a release valve so that I’m able to free up some room in me to be able to continue processing what just happened in my life.

I don’t know how such a huge presence fit into that little kitty body of hers.

Raven 1

Whenever I get really stressed out, I start to clean things.  Not mindlessly.  I use it as a focal point to pull myself back together.  Kind of like a moving meditation.  It’s slow and deliberate.  I focus on all of the sensations to help pull me into the present and into my body.  Focus on the smells, the movement, the touch.

I didn’t have to wonder what I was going to do once returning home for the first time without her, because my thoughtful girl had left me one final gift . . . pukes on my bedroom floor.  I was genuinely thankful.  I took my time, knowing it was the last time I would ever get to scrub Raven pukies out of the carpet.

She was such an integral part of my daily life.

For years when brushing my teeth I had to play ‘move from under the water faucet before I spit toothpaste onto your head you silly cat with your water fetish’ with her.

Brushing my teeth this morning was so uneventful.

I looked around for our boy kitty, Gir, to see if he’d be willing to irritate the shit out of me by sticking his head under the water faucet while I tried to get ready.  But no, he wants nothing to do with that wet stuff.

She used to also sit between the shower curtain and clear liner while I took a shower.  At first I thought it was because she liked my company . . . but no, she was just waiting patiently until I moved and she could stick her head under an even bigger water faucet.

Then there was the moment yesterday when I walked into my room and saw sitting in the corner of my room, her raggedy toy that she used to leave for me as a “gift”.  She didn’t have access to rodents (thank god) to drop at my feet to tell me what a shitty hunter I was, so she had two toys that she used instead as a gesture.

Raven toy

It was originally attached to a larger toy, but she only ever wanted this part.  We refer to it as “the purple spider”, but god only knows what it really is.  It’s still where she left it for me a couple of nights before she went.  I’m not ready to move it yet.

Her other favorite toy (which I have no idea where that is) is a tiny little brown bear.  I used to find it regularly floating face down in the water dish.  We never figured out whether she was treating it as a kill and cleaning it, treating it as a kitten and drowning it, or giving her humans a warning.

I’m going to miss her always trying to stick her whole head into my coffee mug no matter what was in there. Repeatedly.

I’m going to miss how she got jealous of any time I spent on puzzles, and so when she thought I wasn’t looking she’d attack the pieces, chew on them, throw them onto the floor, and then shove them under the couch.

I’m going to miss taking her for walks on her leash during the summer months.

Raven 4

Raven5

I miss her ritual for sitting on my lap.  She’d walk over the top of me in one direction and then the other direction, and then walk onto me one last time where she would just stand there and aggressively flick her tail at me saying, “Scuse me.  Ahem.  Are you going to invite me to sit down?”  Which I would have to ask her if she wanted to sit down and put my arms in a specific way around her before she would be like, “Oh? You would like me to sit with you?  Well, I *suppose* I could . . . if it would make *you* happy.”

Raven 8

She would often press all four paws over my heart and just sit there and purr.  The above picture was taken just a couple of days before I found out how sick she was.

I’ll also miss how she managed to force a shoebox past its limit, hanging out all over the place, and make it look comfortable.

Raven 7

Or how she used to lay in positions on the floor that looked so dramatic I would start quoting Shakespeare.  “Oh Romeo, Romeo! . . . Wherefore art thou Romeo?”

Raven 3

I’ll miss her judging my stupid human habits:

Raven 2

She had been found in the streets as a kitten and taken to a shelter.  She was only 6 weeks old and less than a pound when I first saw her.

I had been to the shelter a couple of days before but I just didn’t connect with any of the cats.  My son had already found the cat he wanted (Gir), but I wanted both of our cats to come home at the same time so I made him wait.  I told him that if the kitten he wanted was meant to be his, it would still be there when we came back.

When we came back, the very moment I walked into the room and saw her I knew she was the kitty I was looking for.  Plus, the one my son wanted *was* still there.

We brought them both into a private room to see how they would get along.  Raven took to me immediately.  She went straight to my feet and wasn’t going to leave.  The people at the shelter said that 3 other families had already looked at her, but she wouldn’t come near them.

Gir was 6 weeks older than Raven, so he was huge next to her.  He was strutting around like he was hot stuff.  He came over and knocked Raven over (to be fair, it wasn’t that hard to do).  I waited to see what she did before I reacted.  At first she started to run away from him, but as he walked away she turned back around and went after him and then knocked him on the head and stood there strong facing him like a little spitfire daring him to start shit with her again.

It was in that moment that I knew she was my kitty.

Here was their first day home with us:

Kitten Raven and Gir

It was also the last day they curled up like that together.  Gir likes to be affectionate and tried to take care of her, but she grew up on the streets and didn’t know how to be loved and always pushed him away.  He never gave up trying to though.  He would give her space, but he was always looking out for her.

Here he is a couple of days before she died:

Gir and Raven

He’s actually having a pretty hard time with it.  You could tell he knew something was up.  His meow and demeanor changed a couple of days before she died.  His eyes looked more watery and had a sadness to them.  They still do.  He’s not being his normal cocky, arrogant self, and it’s heart wrenching to see.

I’m not going to miss the vet and hospital bills, or the injections, the constant vet appointments, or watching Raven fade away.  But I sure do miss her.

 

A Life Of Joy At Death’s Door

Death is one of the most deep and intimate things you can experience while in life.  Whether it be through the death of a loved one or a stranger you read about half way across the world.

Death is the ultimate surrendering.  The ultimate letting go.

In astrology, death is found in the 8th house, represented by the sign of Scorpio and by the planet of Pluto.  The energies of death, sex, and intimacy.  The joint resources between partners.

This energy that runs through those representative symbols, just like the other houses/signs/planets in astrology, is the grouping of an energy that acts as a foundation and understanding about nature and cycles.  The reason they *rule* certain things in life is because those things are related.  They aren’t just willy nilly grouped that way for fun.

When I’m trying to better understand the nature of something, I also take a look at the things that are commonly associated with it over time.  From there I am able to start seeing the single thread of energy that moves through all of them.  Once I can see that, I am able to integrate and extrapolate further meaning about that single thread of energy.  This is one of the cool benefits I gain from having a Sun/Jupiter conjunction in Gemini.

But Gemini is more of a superficial sign.  Only interested in what is right in front of them and in the moment.  Distracted by the shiny and sparkly things in life.  It’s the sign of youthfulness and childlike wonder.  It is a happy energy.  When I think of Gemini I feel a sunshiny yellow color.  The color of summer and things that are lit up bright and beautiful and warm.  Gemini, being one of three air signs, is the refreshing breeze that comes through and livens things up.  The social butterfly.

While Gemini does have a dark twin, and you’re never sure which you’re going to get . . . for the most part, death is a far and distant concept for them.  It’s this thing that happens and it’s super sad, but ‘hey, that’s life’ as they go tra-la-la-la-la-ing onto their tiptoes in an impromptu dance where they’re not really listening to anything you’re saying anyways.

So what exactly is up with *this* Gemini that I dive so deep into such intimate matters of the Scorpio variety?  Well many things, but the most influential is what I have in direct opposition from my Sun & Jupiter, my Neptune/Moon conjunction in Sagittarius.  The most interesting thing about it to me, is in the house system I use (Koch), even though both are at 14 degrees, my Moon is in the 8th house and my Neptune is in the 9th house.

My 9th house cusp is right in the middle of those two . . . and boy can I feel it.  Here’s why.  I see 8th house as the house of ultimate depth and the ultimate release . . . which at the moment of release,  the energy starts to soar upward into the 9th house (naturally ruled by Sagittarius) of higher truth and freedom.  My Moon and Neptune are straddling that crossover, along with being *in* the sign of Sagittarius.  The Moon is a very personal planet.  It’s what you feel in your core.  If you were to pull into yourself like a turtle and just be in the center and essence of *you* . . . this is your Moon.  Well, technically it’s the IC (4th house cusp), but it’s represented planet-wise through your Moon.

My Moon in the 8th house shows a natural comfort zone in the energetic zone of death and intimacy.  But being in Sagittarius and sitting snug with Neptune . . . it’s the *surrender* moment . . . where the soul surrenders to the Divine.  “Let go and let God.”  It’s the sign of the Free Spirit.  The shadow side of Sagittarius can be someone running from the deeper, serious things in life.  I very much have the tendency in me to haul ass out of situations that get too serious.  The Sagittarius that is growing up, is one who stops running from these things and learns how to be free by embracing all of life.  It’s also the sign of joy.  🙂

My struggle in this life has been to be present in all life situations without going into make-believe or pretend.  My tendency is to become a silver lining sayings factory instead of actually letting the reality of the situation sink into me.  When I was 16 my maternal grandmother died.  Could.not.handle.it.  A whole bunch of NOPE came up in me.  My family wanted me to come to the funeral . . . said I would regret it one day if I didn’t go.  Nope.  That’s all I felt inside of me.  If I don’t go to the funeral, it didn’t happen.

My interest in life after death consumed my childhood.  In the 4th grade I did an oral report on reincarnation.  In hindsight it was a really dumb thing to do, because at the time I lived in the southern US state of Georgia, also known as the bible belt of America.  I was excited to share this information, but was met with a room full of frowny angry faces.

Also, I always had dreams where people who had died in our family would come to me with messages to give other family members.  I could sense, feel, and hear ghosts/spirits.  I purposely blocked them from my vision because there is only so much a little girl can handle in the dark by herself.

I was also plagued by incredibly gruesome dreams.  Dreams where I was put in horrible situations such as being shot in the head and being forced to make a choice between me being shot in the head first and ending my suffering, or having a child I was protecting be shot in the head first so that her suffering ended first . . . however I would have to witness it.

I was taken to a lot of counselors and psychologists when I was younger.

The point being . . . you can run, but you can’t hide from who you are and what you’re meant for in the world.  A point made very clearly to me in a dream in which my maternal grandfather, who I had watched take his last breath in this life, came to me and told me that I needed to get over my fear with this ability to travel back and forth between the veil of life and death, because it was going to happen ready or not.  Meaning, I better get my shit together and stop running from my fears because my natural abilities were going to start to bleed through whether I disciplined myself to deal with it or not.

I’ve had many dreams in which I’m placed in various scenarios where it’s *the* moment of death.  The moment where it’s time to go, and the soul is released from the body.  It’s lucid, and I stay aware during the whole process.  Every single time, I look to the others near me in the dream and I say to them . . . “Just let go.”

It’s my Moon mantra.

The feeling in the moment of dying in these dreams, is one where you let go of all attachments to life including the need to survive.  I feel all areas of the inner me literally detach energetically from the physical body.  It’s 100% openness.  It’s laying down all burdens.  A complete surrender to the All.

Imagine you were standing at the top of a 100 story building and you got shoved off.  There’s zero doubt you are about to die.  Maybe you feel some regret move through you.  Maybe a feeling of ‘oh shit . . . I should’ve lived more’.  Those will move through your mind pretty quickly until you come to a moment of clarity.  A single moment of knowing that “this is it”, who was most important to you, and then there is an instinctive response to “Let Go” where you close your eyes and you let every single thing you spent your life worrying about go.  All of it.

That is the moment of ultimate surrender.  Ultimate presence and awareness.  It’s ironically the moment when you are most alive, because your attention is not being scattered to the four winds in worry about taking the car to the shop, making dentist appointments for the family, grocery lists, that presentation at work . . . no, all of your awareness and attention is zeroed in on that moment.  It quickly condenses down to the few most important things in your life.  Your wife.  Your kids.  Your mom.  Whatever it is for you, in that moment you will know with all of your heart what mattered most to you in life, and they will be the last thoughts you have before you exit the body.

It’s when your heart is most open.  It’s when you are the most real and authentic you.  It’s the moment of truth.  The moment where everything false or unimportant is burned away in an instant.

That is where my Moon & Neptune reside energetically in my natal chart.

Between my Gemini Sun/Jupiter and my Sagittarius Neptune/Moon, I live perpetually in this doorway between life and death.  This doorway of surrender, what’s truly most important, and how wonderful each day we are given is.  It’s my comfort zone, this understanding of the transition between here and there . . . life and death.

An appreciation and love for that moment, even though it brings people so much pain and sorrow.  I also feel that deep pain and sorrow, but I simultaneously feel the surrender and release of all that isn’t real or true within me.  As I open to the incredible pain of loss and sorrow, whether it be personally for a loved one or for those I don’t know, like those lost during a natural disaster, my whole heart opens . . . lifting the separation of the worlds between life and death within, and flooding me with the absolute love the Divine has for each and every one of us.

It is where I am comforted and where I give comfort.

Speaking of which, I have a little kitty girl on my lap who is currently in this transition and is trying to let me know that it’s about time for her to go.  I’m trying to be brave and not resist it, but I don’t think anyone looks forward to opening themselves up to that level of pain.

It’s like throwing up.  You know you’ll feel better once you do it, but you’d rather not.

 funny-run-sign-screaming-hill

There Is A Time To Live And There Is A Time To Die

One thing about having your life flipped upside down with devastating news, is that it forces you to be present in the here and now.  All there is, all you can be sure of, is what is happening at this moment.

You know, I tried to imagine the Native Americans back hundreds of years ago all sitting around the campfire trying to plan out their 5 year and 10 year goals and it just looked ridiculous to me.  Discussions started about risk management of the buffalo herds and average rainfall from recent years and the amount of berry return they could expect in the coming years based on weather projections from their shaman.  Which then turned into arguments and name-calling and fistfights.  It was a disaster.

The Native Americans as a people, at one time, had such a genuine appreciation of life and gratitude for all they had.  They knew what needed to be done in each moment and left the rest to the Great Spirit.  They lived simply.  But they weren’t just flying blind, they were plugged into the pulse of nature.  It’s a natural rhythm that syncs up with our mind and heart.  It’s a feeling, a knowing of what time it is . . . of what needs to be done right now, and what was needed for the future was automatically calculated into that with the unseen spirit of Life.

A perfect recent personal experience with how this works, is that I felt a strong need in me to take a couple of days off.  It wasn’t your typical, oh that sounds like a good idea, it was something deep in me telling me that it needed to happen.  So I just went with it in the moment, and I used my instinct for how to go about doing it.  The night before my two scheduled days off I found out that my girl kitty was dying, and I would’ve had to take those two days off anyways . . . but because I listened to my *now* voice the week before without getting caught up in why I felt it . . . it was already taken care of.  Instead of having to focus on arranging all of that with no warning to my office, everything was already pre-arranged and I was able to 100% focus on the situation at hand.

That is living in harmony with life, even while in the modern world.

Right now everyone’s too busy thinking they know better than life and nature, what needs to be happening from moment to moment.  Not only that, but also busy telling everyone else what *they* should be doing too.  With all of this chattering at each other, how can anyone hear their own inner voice anymore?  The one that connects them to Life?  The one that sustains, nourishes, and provides everything that is needed from moment to moment?  Is it any wonder we’re all starved and empty inside?  When you go against that internal natural rhythm you purposely deny yourself nourishment from nature . . . God . . .The Mother . . . however you choose to see that which spiritually feeds us and makes all things possible in this life.

Do you not stop and think about what makes trees grow?  What makes bees buzz?  What *it* is that animates this world and brings it to life?  What makes you walk around and laugh and talk and cry?  There is this ever present hum of life that is present in all and everything we do, and we try to live life like a bunch of teenagers who think they already know everything, ignoring this very real and present provider in our current existence.

All of it is a gift.  What moves through everything and gives it the spark of life and animates this world, does NOT have to do that.  It can withdraw at any time it chooses.  Every bit of it is a gift, and we take it for granted and we stomp all over it, and ignore it.  We refuse to even acknowledge it’s existence . . . and yet it continues to give and give and give.  And we . . . continue to be like a bunch of spoiled brats who need their asses whooped.

Being alive is a gift.  Dying . . . is a part of that process.  It’s sad because we want to continue to share this life with that person or being, but things must come and go as they need to, not as we personally wish them to.

Just like I didn’t know initially why I was taking off those two days, I don’t initially know why it’s time for Raven to die or why it’s time for anyone to die . . . but there are bigger things at work than just us as humans on this planet.  Maybe Raven is a super spy on the planet Catawesomeness, and she was here on a vacation or as a favor to someone, and now her time here is up because she needs to get back to her real job at Catawesomeness.  Yes I’m sad for her to go, but that’s the nature of existence.  The natural rhythm at both the micro and macro levels.

Just because she’s going to move into a spectrum of light my human eyes can’t see, doesn’t mean she ceases to exist or that she isn’t still out doing awesome Raven things.  Because that’s not how things work.  There are whole existences and worlds that our minds have been closed to for a really long time and it’s that closed mindedness that makes us suffer.  The suffering is in response to an imagined way of how things are when we die.  Not based on truth or reality.

The grief . . . the grief is very real.  Energetically, it’s the untangling of energy from each other.  If we grip on tightly to the being dying from this world (or just leaving to do something else awesome), then it becomes more painful.  If we were to know or understand that they’re just going through a door and onto other things just like when we move or change jobs here . . . then we’d be more willing to unlock our grasp on them and free them.  Let them go.  Let them move on to their next life without pulling on them to come back when they are done here.

I had a dream a few years back.  I was in a house with a girl.  She left the room momentarily and when she did my dream became lucid . . . more real than real life.  The ghost of a girl was trying to make contact with me.  She was pleading with me.  Something that the astral plane was trying to get across the veil to the world, to us.  It was an emergency.  When the other girl returned to the room, the ghost disappeared.  I told her about it, and she said that her sister had died and it was probably her.

When I first woke up I couldn’t remember what the urgent message was from the other side of the veil.  But I suddenly remembered it this last week.  The urgency was that we’ve forgotten how to properly grieve the dead.  We’ve forgotten how to open ourselves wide to the loss in order to free them so that they may leave this world.  The astral has been bursting at the seams with the spirits of our loved ones who we won’t release or let go or forgive.  Our awareness and attention is more powerful than we realize.  Holding tight to someone, whether alive or dead . . . binds them.  It makes it harder for them to untangle their energy from you and be free to leave.  You have to release your hold on them, and they on you.

In ancient times, there used to be huge ceremonies held throughout the year where specially trained priestesses and priests would do these elaborate ceremonies in order to clear all of that out.  So if you did lose someone and you were holding onto them, this was an opportunity as a community to join together in your grief and let them all go together.  Then you had the company and support of others suffering the same and you could lean on each other for support in having to finally say goodbye or let go.  But what do we do now?  We get, what? two days to move through the whole grief process before we get back to business and continue as if nothing happened?

This neglect of this part of ourselves is what is undoing us now.  This need to hold onto things long past their time.  This need to overcome nature and be these heroes that triumph over death again and again.  It goes against natural laws.  We throw money at cancer research and call it charity and doing good . . . without understanding whether it truly is good or not.  The more we try to conquer disease and sickness, the more that shows up.  Suspicious don’t you think?  Perhaps it’s Mother Nature taking matters into her own hands?  We are truly foolish people.

We have 7+ billion people on the planet.  More than the planet can sustain.  Is this *really* being progressive?  Or is this the result of us thinking we know better than God . . . Mother Nature.  This unhealthy obsession to force and make things continue to live against their will, just because we’re too scared to let go.

We’re scared of our emotions and our feelings and of losing that which we love.  These are our shadows that we run from.  Our whole existence is now centered on a fear of dying and losing love, rather than living and experiencing love.  In an effort to cheat death, we have become the dead.  We no longer remember what it even feels like to be alive.

There is a time for us to be born . . . and there is a time for us to die.  And if we’re tuned into the natural rhythm of life, we know when those times are, and we need to allow them to happen.  Provide love, provide support for both them and their loved ones, help ease their suffering as much as possible during the transition.  But for god sakes . . . we need to let them go.

funny-teddy-bear-dog-cotton

 

Love Out Loud And With All Of Your Heart

So a week ago on Friday I had started to feel like I could maybe use a little break from work.  Nothing major, just a couple of days added on to a weekend.  So I arranged to have the following Thu. & Fri. off.  Was totally looking forward to it.

The following Mon. evening I was holding my girl kitty, Raven.  She had what seemed like a nasty cold earlier this year, but she recovered from it alright.  But lately, she had started to look like it had returned.  And then there was her weight loss.  And a few other things the more I thought about it.  Overall everything else was normal . . . but not quite.

Something told me to make a vet appt. first thing the next morning.  I even found myself telling my boy kitty, Gir, to look after his sister.  I suddenly had this feeling like I wasn’t really sure that she’d make it to morning.  I can be a little dramatic in my head, so this is absolutely normal for me.  I put it down to REALLY needing a vacation.

So I got Raven in Tues. morning, and they checked her over.  The vet said that she had a strange mix of symptoms, and most concerning was the weight loss.  Raven will be 7 this June, so they decided to do a senior blood panel.  They also tested her ear wax (been tugging on her ear) and also x-rays.  Before I left they gave me some ear cream for her ears because they did find something that may have been irritating her.  They said they’d call me with the results for everything else by the next morning, and I said to please leave a voicemail if I didn’t answer because I’m horrible about answering the phone.  Initial look at the x-rays looked pretty good.  So no big worries.

In my optimistic sunshine world, I was able to contribute all of her issues down to her ears and that magically the ear cream was going to make her ALLLL better.  Yes.  That’s how it works, right?  I didn’t think anything of it when I didn’t hear back by that evening.  I had a meeting Wednesday morning, and I managed to work Raven into the conversation . . . which I then realized that I should have heard back by then.  I started checking my phone.  I still wasn’t concerned, but something was bugging me way in the background of my awareness.

No.  Ear cream.  She has the ear cream.  It’s cool.  No news is good news, right?  It’s just her ears, I’m totally blowing it out of proportion.

So I went on with my day.  After work I went to pickup my son from college and we went home.  I was all, “I’m officially on vacation, so let’s stop at Starbucks and get Cake Pops!  I’m gonna let loose!”  So the merriment continued all the way home.  I was totally looking forward to my 2 days off and it leading into a 4 day weekend.

After I got home, I checked my phone and oh! look, a voicemail from the vet.  Cool.  Let’s get this over with so I can continue on with my weekend, I’m sure it’s the whole “everything looks good, nothing seems to be seriously wrong” voicemail.  Hit the “play voicemail” button . . .

And what I heard, is NOT what I was expecting by any means.

” . . . regarding the test results, unfortunately . . . Raven has severe Renal Failure . . . suspected Heart Failure . . . severe Anemia . . . ”

My whole world flipped on it’s head.  It felt like all of time zoomed in on that moment.  Then like someone drove a nail through to the center of my head with the single pointed message of, “Raven is dying.”

I glanced at her laying in her box on the floor.  Something in me gave, and from deep within the sorrow came rising up and out of me.  The ground began to give out from under me, and I came down hard crying.  My son had been in the bathroom and he came running out and grabbed ahold of me to comfort me, as I tried to find the words to repeat the news to him.

I call my son the animal whisperer.  It’s like he was born to communicate with all animals.  They naturally come to him.  He has an incredible soft spot in his heart for all of God’s creatures.  So I knew this was going to greatly affect him.

I finally started to collect myself and say, it’s going to be okay.  That this is a part of the cycle of life, and if it’s her time it’s her time, and it’s going to be okay.  Which Raven decided was the time to come join the party.

I tell you, it’s hard to keep your heart from closing and going numb during times like this.

And as a single parent, you have to keep yourself together in order to take care of things.  So it’s especially easy to ignore your feelings in the name of taking care of business.

After that, I felt a need to connect with other people.  Having done a superb job of isolating myself, reaching out means going to Facebook.  So I started posting status updates as a means to not feel so alone in this heart wrenching situation.  It really does feel less alone when you can post an update and know that others will see or read it.  Even if they don’t respond back . . . there’s still a feeling of community.  That feeling of there being a witness to your life . . . that it’s not being lived in obscurity.

Raven before hospital 4-24-14

Thursday morning before going to the hospital.

So my two days that I had planned the week before, were exactly what I needed because Thursday morning I had to take her to be admitted into the hospital.  Thursday evening I transported her to a 24 hr care hospital, where she stayed until Sunday evening.

Raven at hospital 4-24-14

At the 24hr hospital.

She got to come home last night.  And my poor little angel kitty.  She’s only 7 . . . but she’s behaving like she’s 20.  She’s saved my life so many times in the last 7 years with her love.  She got me through all the hospitalizations of my son.  I’d come home and she’d hop on my lap and place all four paws onto my heart chakra area and purr herself to sleep.

Raven back home 4-27-14

Just returned from the hospital.

I’ve had kidney issues my whole life as well.  Between that and the emotional stress from the last 7 years, is it any wonder that she’s suffering kidney and heart failure?  Our pets help us in so many ways that we are unaware of.  Taking on some of the energetic load of our own suffering onto themselves.  Where else do you find that pure of a love?

She’s at stage 4 renal failure and yes, I can see her little body struggle as she rests next to me.  I love my pets as my children.  I don’t care how ridiculous that seems to some.  It’s a blessing and a gift to feel that kind of love for another living being.

When I visited her at the hospital on Saturday, and it was time for me to go . . . I looked back at her in the room with the IV hooked to her front paw and watching her struggle to stand until I had left, kind of like “See mom, I’m doing okay.” . . . I felt the waves of sorrow that continue to wash over me.  The feeling of “oh god, this can’t be happening . . she can’t be dying . . . not my Raven girl.”

It’s hard.  When I can’t handle it and I feel myself cut off from my feelings, I feel myself get mad and thinking things like, “How long is this going to drag out?  Why won’t she just die so I can start grieving? Now my whole life is going to revolve around trying to care for her as she slowly dies.”  I feel like a monster when I think those things.

But then the swell of sorrow rises up through me again, and I’m a crying puddle on the floor again.  And it feels really good to let them out.  To just open up and let it out.  While I may be dramatic in my head, I rarely let those things escape to the outside of me when others are around.

But then I think . . . this IS dramatic.  This is Life Drama coming to me Live!  If this isn’t a situation where it’s okay for me to feel sorrow dramatically out loud, then when is it?  And the answer is, whenever I feel it that deep and that strong.  That’s when it’s okay.  Letting it out . . . not squeezing it tight into me and crying silent tears.

THIS is life.  THIS is a part of living!

My kitty girl who has been a constant companion to me for the last 7 years is dying.  It hurts goddamn it!  It hurts and it needs to be let out.  I need to feel it.  I need to feel the sadness and sorrow of this big thing that is happening emotionally to me.  REALLY FEEL it.  Let it roar through my whole body, giving it a voice.  Letting it be seen and felt and heard.

It’s what reminds us that we’re alive!  I don’t want to shrink from this experience.  I want to walk whole-heartedly into it.  I will not shrink from life and all it has to offer.  Whether good or bad I will face it with an open and aware heart.  I will make it my JOY to care for her in her remaining days.  She deserves my presences and awareness to her situation.  She deserves my open heart and love and bravery during this time of need in her short life.  She deserves to have someone go through this WITH her instead of by herself by me cutting off from my feelings.

It’s our feelings and love and care for others that open us up to them and keeps them from feeling alone.  If you cut off from your feelings for any reason, you leave the people around you in the cold.  You may think that you’re just being responsible or however you see it . . . but the result is the same . . . it leaves others in the cold.  It separates you from others.  It leaves you feeling alone and it leaves others feeling like you’ve left them, even if you’re physically present.

Take it from me, I’ve done it my whole life.  It’s taken a lot for me to see and understand it for myself.  I know it can hurt to feel . . . but only when you fight it.  When you openly embrace it and welcome it . . . it floods you with healing and warmth and love, as well as removing the feeling of being alone and isolated.  I promise it’s far better to feel your feelings than to cut yourself off from them.  That’s a hell I hope to never revisit.

Love.  Love out loud. Love with all of your heart.  Love without shame.

There Is Great Treasure To Be Found In Ancient Wisdom

I’m feeling a little quiet and worn down today.

But I was just thinking about how science is showing us how basically everything is made up of frequencies and vibrations.  Or sound.  Or . . . the “Word of God”.

And I was thinking about how in Quantum Physics we’ve learned that light switches between waves and particles, based on whether it’s being observed or not.  Or based on whether a person’s attention or awareness or consciousness is interacting with it.

Then I thought of how HUGE the planets are in comparison to us . . . and how each has it’s own frequency/vibration . . . like a fingerprint.  And radiates out that unique frequency/vibration just as an act of existing or being.  It’s at a level that is outside of our conscious awareness, but it’s still happening.

And THEN I thought about just how stupid it is for us to think that those frequencies and vibrations *don’t* effect us at some level.  When two things interact . . . *something* happens, there is a change.  It happens in physics and chemistry.  It happens in music . . . in harmonies, discord, etc.

Everything is just atoms vibrating in various patterns to form solidity . . . or what appears to be solid.

And how everything cycles . . . just like the gears of a watch, to the point that if you observed long enough, you could start seeing a pattern.  When *this* vibration interacts with *that* vibration . . . the results seem to always be of *this* nature.  After thousands of years of compiled observation and knowledge . . . you could have a pretty good idea about the pulse of the nature of things.

This all makes perfect sense to me.

So then I wondered why astrology has been thrown into the pot as being for simpletons or the superstitious.  It seems to me that it’s a type of science like any other, based on extensive observation and trial and error in order to try and understand the world in which we live.  Science came about in an attempt to better understand spirituality, or the nature of the world in which we live . . . not replace it.

Astrology takes a wide variety of skills and disciplines in order to use it effectively.  It’s not for someone who doesn’t use their brain.  It’s not for someone who doesn’t use their heart.  It’s not for someone who doesn’t have a love and passion for it, because it takes immense dedication and a lot of patience before your effort starts to pay off.  You pretty much have to become obsessed with it in order to really start understanding and gaining the reward of what information is *really* being handed down.

But the perception of astrology in this day and age, is almost solely based on people reading their weekly sun sign horoscope in their newspaper.  An immense wealth of wisdom, being judged on something so completely superficial and trivial.  Which basically sums up our modern society.  It’s so tragic, it’s almost hilarious.

Did you know at one point it used to be considered irresponsible for a doctor to try and treat a patient without using astrology.  And from what I’ve come to understand about it, I actually agree.  At least the use of the understanding that comes with *why* the human body becomes afflicted like it does and how it can be connected to a mixture of incoming vibrational influences, as well as conscious will and the choices we make for ourselves.

The ancient knowledge that we are so quick to dismiss and close ourselves off to, holds treasure troves of information that we’ve forgotten about ourselves and the nature of the universe.  Perhaps our ancestors didn’t understand the mechanics or wisdom behind why it worked like it did, but that doesn’t make it any less true or any less valuable.

funny-baby-drawing-walls-bed

On The Very Threshhold Of The Golden Age . . . Be Brave And Endure

Have you ever had to go without something that you needed?  And by needed, I mean something basic and standard like oxygen.

Have you ever had to go without food, or not know when you would get more?  Or Water?

When you have to go too long without something that you need in order to nourish and keep yourself alive, it can produce a state of fearfulness.  Mistrust.  Guardedness.

Whatever little you have, you hide and guard with all you have.

That’s more of a physical example, an animal survival instinct.

But we’re more than physical beings.  We have basic needs that go beyond oxygen, food, water, & shelter.

Our Spirit needs . . . Spiritual need . . . is love.

When we are forced to go without love, we respond in the same manner emotionally as if we were low on food and water.

Because we’re at the end of a cycle, the love we were given from source at the beginning of the cycle has run very low.

The Kali Yuga period is the darkest part of the cycle, exactly because of this.  We’re running low on love . . . light from source.

It’s easy for the dark smoke entity to hide and cover up whatever love is left, and make us believe that it is all gone . . . leaving chaos and destruction in it’s wake.

But what is really interesting about the big cycle, is that it starts with the golden age . . . slowly decreases into darkness over thousands of years . . . until we hit the period we’ve been in.  But instead of it slowly increasing and reversing in the same speed that it declined . . . we suddenly jump from the darkest period of the cycle, back into the golden age.

Why?  Why does it do that?

Because the grand cycle, is a process of receiving our nourishment from the source that has to last us for the next cycle.  They talk about manna from heaven in the bible, and how the people survived off of this stuff for a long time.  Source pulses out a burst of light/love/consciousness/awareness once every grand cycle.

By the end of the cycle, we are dragging our mother fucking knuckles on the ground about ready to give up completely.  We are being mean, rotten, selfish, ignorant, etc.  We are in survival mode.  We are responding exactly as people who are starving to death . . . and we are . . . our love fuel tank is on E.

If you’ve ever suffered starvation or nutrient deficiency, you will know that you can’t think straight . . . everything is confusing and doesn’t make much sense.  You don’t make the smartest decisions.  Why do you think people associate being poor as being ignorant?

Humanity is not evil . . . it’s simply starving for love, or the energy sent to us from source every grand cycle.

Forgive them for they know not what they do.

The world religions, while yes some have turned into power plays and political disasters, initially were meant to help people keep faith when things started to darken.  As the ages progress, and the light/love source we were provided for the long haul starts to grow thinner and thinner . . . things start to get a little tough.

People start getting grumpier and grumpier.  More defensive.  More divided.  Less trusting of each other.  More isolated and separated.  Then the dark smoke entity starts to rub it’s hands together in glee because it becomes easier and easier to trick people when they become low in love.

We go through a period where we believe that our “God” has forsaken us.  Where is he?  Where did he go?

So there is a period of many generations, where you are just going strictly off of collective memories, stories, faith, and belief regarding this loving entity.  A prophecy of his return.

His return, is when the grand cycle is complete, and it’s time to refill all of our reserves with the light/love from source.  And it comes all at once.  The golden love energy.  The Golden Age.  The Great Awakening.

Why is it the Great Awakening?  Because we are so starved, we are spiritually weak and when you’re spiritually weak . . . you forget.  The more starved you become, the more you forget and fall into darkness.

Inspirational things are what we use to try and keep the Spirit alive through the darkest times.  Singing, dancing, making merry, happiness, joy, love . . . we keep the traditions and rituals going for as long as possible in order to carry some of the light/love from source through our darkest times.  Until one day they end.  Because we’ve run all out of that spiritual substance that we NEED.

There are many monasteries, etc. whose soul purpose is to hold that love and light in remote parts of the world in order to keep all of us from plunging completely into darkness.  Who in the darkest times start to become mocked and disrespected.  But who keep doing it anyways, because they know it’s important.  That is faith.

But we also keep a small spark of that energy deep within ourselves . . . that we guard with all that we have because it’s the only thing that keeps us from dying.

Which brings us to now.  We are at the teeter totter end of the cycle.  The very darkest before the light.  Were we are all feeling isolated and alone because we’re forced to in order to protect that last bit of spark love inside of us.  Scared.  Defensive.  Trying to not lose hope.  Trying to keep the faith in Love.  Faith in Light’s return.

Just like we do in winter . . . hoping that spring and life comes back to us.  It’s exactly the same thing . . . the micro within the macro.  In the Grand Cycle, we are at the precipice of Spring.  We are all holding our breaths for the Event.  Hoping, praying, that the Light returns to us.  That we haven’t been forgotten.  That something didn’t happen during the thousands of years since our last renewal, that will prevent the light from getting to us.

I’m here to tell you, that we have not been forgotten.  The Light is on its way even as we speak, and it cannot be stopped.

It’s okay to let go of your fear and doubts.  I know you’re tired and worn to the bone . . . but give it one more chance.

The energy is already beginning to reach us, and like flowers . . . we have to be willing to open in order to receive the sunshine in order to be fed.

You’ve been tight in fear in order to protect your last spark of love, the same as a hungry person guards the last scrap of food they have.

But it’s okay to let go now.  If you can find the strength and courage in yourself to trust . . . just one more time . . . and open your heart and feel your love . . . push past fears and doubts that will try to pull on you . . . you will be able to feel the beginnings of the Light returning for the Golden Age.

If you’re still enough . . . you’ll feel it start to fill your personal reservoirs again.  Right now is not about convincing others about this . . . it’s about getting yourselves filled up and strong.

You don’t need to worry about others anymore.  I know some of you who have had some extra love energy have been using it to keep others who have been losing theirs . . . but you don’t need to do that anymore.  It’s going to be okay now.  The renewal has started . . . so those who are the most sensitive will be able to pick up and benefit from it right now.  The rest will follow.

The Legions of Light are arriving.  You can let go of the fear and worry that nags at you subconsciously.

funny-turtle-sea-white-zoo-water

 

 

 

Compassion And The Coming Sickness

I had a series of dreams a little over a year ago that were pointing to something that would start happening down the road.  They keep coming to my awareness, so I feel like maybe now is the time to share them.  They’re fairly short, simple, and to the point.

One was people coming down with a sickness that was referred to as “Scarlet Fever”.  However, it wasn’t anything to do with the thing we already know as Scarlet Fever.  It was more to do with the color of red.  It wasn’t very pleasant to go through.  I was going from person to person who was struck with it, and comforting them.  I was letting them know that I knew how horrible it felt, but that it doesn’t last long.  Just endure it a short time, and then it will be over.

In another dream I had walked into a remote temple (I want to say Buddhist?).  It was very ancient.  It was dedicated to Quan Yin.  I was inside and had walked up to the main statue of Quan Yin.  All around me, people were falling sick and throwing up.  In that dream it was made clear to me, that Compassion was the key to surviving and getting through this illness.  Opening your heart.

In the final dream, I was at work.  Everyone had been getting steadily weaker and ill, and yet still tried to continue everything as if nothing was going on.  People were laying down all over the place from weakness and sickness.  I was so frustrated that everyone was so much more focused on keeping business going as usual instead of taking care of themselves.  That they were missing the point to change and start leaning towards focusing on what is truly important in life instead of continuing to focus on things that really don’t matter.

In summary, the illness and sickness stems from Spirit.  Yes, it comes in the form of things like flu/colds and whatever other countless things we want to call it . . . but the purpose or point is a kind of purification.  The more you try to hold onto things that aren’t real or true in the heart/spiritual nature, the more ill you are going to become.

Not as punishment, but because it’s time to let go of the untruths and illusions that we hold onto.  You can do it consciously, or you can let the sickness do it for you.  In either case, it is important that you go inward and reconnect to your heart and to what you know is true and real there.

Quan Yin 1

 

When You Can Love Through Your Fear

The people I surround myself with in life, whether they are coworkers, (online) friends, acquaintances, family . . . are some of the most loving people I have ever met.

I’ve found that the most loving people, are often the most creative people I’ve ever met.  They amaze me.

I’ve found that the most creative people, are often the most sensitive people I’ve ever met.

And I’ve found that the most sensitive people . . . are often the most defensive and tend to easily close off from others or shut down on themselves.

I’ve found that closed off people, often feel misunderstood by outsiders.

I’ve found that people who feel misunderstood, often feel alone and isolated in the world.

I’ve found that the ones who feel alone and isolated, often feel a great deal of fear and insecurity.

So I’ve come to understand . . .

That the most loving people . . . are quite often the ones who feel the most alone and heartbroken about the world in which they live, and are quite often the ones who feel the most fearful and insecure.

The lovers, the dreamers, . . . the candlestick makers.

: P

Something else all of these people have in common, is getting in their own way.

Because they are some of the most creative people, they are able to come up with the most creative reasons and excuses for why they can’t do something.  All of them sound totally legit.  Totally understandable.

I’m going to shift gears here for a moment (<– look at me being all considerate and warning you).

In my own personal experiences, when a person is being closed or defensive, in that moment:

  1. They are not usually able to recognize that they are being closed or defensive.
  2. They’re unable to exercise discernment.

How this may appear in a real life situation is by denial (“I’m NOT being defensive!” or “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” or “I don’t know.”) and everything can become a black and white issue.

When you are in defense mode, you are in “prove it” mode.  This leads to using mind/logic/rational only.  Why?  Because what do you think you’re defending?  What are you protecting?

Your heart, your inner core feelers.

If your guard has gone up, you’ve put a wall between the situation and your heart (who you are at your core), in order to protect the most sensitive part of you.

(Btw, in an emergency, where you need to think with a clear head and not your feelers, this separation between head and heart occurs . . . so it’s basically a survival instinct gone amuck.  Doesn’t matter if it’s a fear of being eaten by a bear or if it’s a fear of falling in love . . . the body’s all like NOPE.)

That means your heart doesn’t get to weigh in and practice discernment regarding the truth of the situation or what you TRULY feel about it.  You’re basically running blind.

It’s the areas of your life that you tend to launch into sheer logic/rational about because it’s where/when you tend to close the iron fortress doors in order to protect your heart (and you . . . because this is the part of yourself that you identify with the most).

Are you not doing something because you are afraid of doing it, or are you not doing something because it’s not “time” for it to happen, or are you not doing something because it’s not meant to happen?

When you approach a situation with a closed/defensive stance (and there isn’t a single person who can exclude themselves from this category), you can’t tell the difference.  You need to also be connected to your feelers, your heart, your core self in order to be able to distinguish the way or decision meant for YOU specifically in any given moment.

When you don’t connect to your own feelings and take responsibility for them (whether protecting them, speaking up for them, owning them, acting on them, showing them, sharing them, etc.), then the choices you make in life become based on things that do not support and nurture your heart . . . they only support the mind.  And that is a very cold and unsatisfying life.  Nothing material will ever, ever fill that void.

So back to the peeps in my life.  I love you guys . . . like a LOT.  But you make the most insane and elaborate excuses for why you aren’t happy or why things aren’t working out for you.  It’s ALWAYS something.  Always, always, always something.  I’ve heard (and used) every single imaginable excuse in the existence of all existences.

But that’s all it is . . . an excuse.  An excuse to not challenge or face your fears.  You’re afraid.  That’s all it is.  There aren’t any real obstacles in your way, except you and your fears having tea time.

So what if the worst possible outcome happens?  So what if it doesn’t look or turn out how you thought?

I’ll tell you a little something.  When you do whatever you’re doing with a fully open heart . . . none of that matters.  It doesn’t matter even a single teeny, tiny bit.  It’s all wonderful, it’s all magical, it’s all an adventure that you GET to experience in this existence that we call life.

When you can genuinely smile and giggle, even through your tears and heartbreak . . .

That’s when you’ll know that you’re living with an open heart.

 dog spoon lobster