In My Search For Peace

I’ve been sitting at my new dining table, working on a puzzle.  I should be going to bed.  As I’ve been piecing together the Geishas in my puzzle, I’ve been thinking, wondering about my life.

The dance poses of Geisha have always stirred something in my soul.  Even as I sit still and silent and stare at the artistic images of them in the quiet of my home, I can feel my soul mimicking and moving in a slow and understated grace.  My soul understands something about them that I do not.  It remembers something that I do not.

I feel for them what an adult might feel for their childhood, if it was a happy one.  An ache in the heart for something that can’t be brought back.  Homesickness for a lost home.

Just me and ghosts of geishas conversing in silence.

I was wondering with them why it’s been so long since I’ve felt truly inspired in my writing.  Why I’ve stopped feeling any satisfaction from it.

It feels like I write to a black void.

I share because it is my nature to.  Even if I was the last human on Earth, I would feel compelled to communicate and share.

I’m not entirely sure how much different it would feel to me if I was the last human on Earth.  As it is, I’ve long since resorted to communing with the trees . . . the wind . . . clouds . . . animals . . . even bugs (if only to respectfully ask them to respect my space and leave . . . which they do).

I know people have tried to hear and understand me.  I don’t mean to dismiss or invalidate others in my life.  They are doing their best, I know.  I love them.

But I’ve felt more seen, and known, and loved by clouds that were passing by, than I have by another human.  The trees have time for me and listen with open hearts.  They are not defensive or caught up in looking good or being right.

The wind is honest in it’s expression.  It has no reason to cover up or hide.

I’m not saying that people don’t care for me, I know that’s not true, they care for me in the only way they know how.  But in comparison with what it’s like to commune with nature, humans are so disconnected from themselves.  How could I possibly expect humans to see me when they aren’t even aware that they can’t see themselves.

They are wrapped in hurt, pain, conditioning and they try to label it as “being themselves” . . . but it is not who they really are.

People seemed to have lost the ability to discern when someone is speaking from the heart and when someone is merely mimicking someone who is speaking from the heart.  They all get thrown into the same cauldron and treated the same.  It’s a shame.

I don’t feel like there is anything I could share of myself that would make any difference in the world or even be heard above all of the noise.

I know I have great value, but I do not feel valuable to this world.

I also know that greater peace comes to me when I am able to accept people and the world just as it is, and stop thinking that I have any role to play in helping others find their way.  People will find their own way without my help, just as they have from the dawn of time.

I am content enough in my connection to life.  Who knows, maybe even more happy than the happiest humans pretend to be.

flower power

Saturn in Sagittarius: Bringing Meaning & Inspiration Back Into Our Lives

Serious business Saturn moved into optimistic outlook Sagittarius last week.  I am pleased with this.

Or rather my natal Neptune/Moon in Sagittarius is pleased with this.  They have a trine (natural talents) to my natal Saturn in Leo.  Translated into English: I have natural talent in bringing what many think is unbelievable into this existence and making it a reality.  Magic.  I know magic.  😛

The Neptune/Moon/Sagittarius mix, involves abstract concepts, Higher Truth, dreams, imagination, and the connection to the other side of the veil.  The place where dreams are born.

Saturn is serious, disciplined, and solid.  Natural ruler of Capricorn, it is the respected elder who worked their ass off every step of the way to get where they are.  It provides the sound structure needed in order to make something worthwhile or long lasting.  It rules bones or the skeleton.  Something hard, durable, and stands the test of time.

It is through my hard work and disciplined dedication, that I learn to access my creativity (Saturn in Leo).  That part does *not* come easy to me.  My younger years will (have) been spent on forgoing fun and pleasure in favor of working my ass off to understand and straighten myself out.  When I hit the sweet spot of finding the truth of myself, the trine to my Neptune/Moon (in Sagittarius – higher Truth) lights up and creates a connection between here and the land of imagination, divinity, dreams, or as I like to call it, the golden world.

It is the world of magic and make believe and fairy tales that we forget are real in another plain of existence while we are here and as we grow older (Saturn).

When that connection is made, a couple of things happen for me.  One, that golden energy travels back down the trine to Saturn, and brings it into the “real” world.  Here.  Second, it travels down my opposition to my Sun/Jupiter in Gemini and makes me want to communicate and share it with everyone I know.

Magic and love for you and you and you!

But here’s the shitty part.  For those who have stopped believing in the magic of the golden world, it appears that I am handing out big fat nothings.  I’m all, “Here, have some golden magic!”  And they’re looking at their empty hands and they’re like, “What is this bullshit?”  And then I’m all {sad face}.

However, Saturn being in Sagittarius, it’s like everyone gets a boosted help in reaching that place directly themselves.  If they put in the hard work, of course.  So yes.  I’m pleased as punch about this transit.

It will be there until June of 2015, where it will retrograde back into Scorpio (boooo!) until December 2015 [CORRECTION: Until September 2015], where Saturn will once again enter Sagittarius and stay there for a couple of years (Yay!!)

This transit, in my opinion (which duh, everything out of my mouth is my opinion), is about finding something meaningful and purposeful in our lives, and drawing our bow and aiming our arrow towards bringing it into our lives furreals.

The place this will show up in your life, is where ever Sagittarius is in your natal chart.  And/or Jupiter.  Or Capricorn.  Or Saturn.  I could almost write an Excel formula for that.  =IF (OR(Natal House=”Sagittarius”, Natal House=”Capricorn”, Natal Planet=”Jupiter”, Natal Planet=”Saturn”),”The place they are located”, “Sorry, you fail at Astrology Excel, but thanks for playing.”)

Finding something meaningful or purposeful should make you feel inspired.  It should bring new life into your otherwise gray and dreary existence.  This is some of what Sagittarius has to offer us.  After going through the Underworld of Scorpio and surviving death of all that is not real in our lives, we need a bit of cheer and song and dance.

Expand your mind and your horizons.  Leave the past behind.  Reset your priorities and set your eyes on new heights.  Let.go.  The saying, “The truth shall set you free”?  Sagittarius.

To leave hell or the underworld, you must let go of what is weighing you down.  What weighs you down, is anything that isn’t real.  When Pluto finally cracks that hard noggin of yours and you finally let go of whatever isn’t real (but you’d swear with your life it was), then you get slung shot into Soaring Upwards, Freedom Loving, Inspirational Sagittarius.  “I believe I can fly.” 

Which in itself isn’t necessarily useful if you’re just flying around in the abstract and idealistic ideas of philosophical Sagittarius.  Because unless you have some way of anchoring them into real life, ideas and thoughts are all they’ll ever be.  Sagittarius can feel a lot of frustration when they share their inspiration and ideologies with other, more grounded individuals, when they get the usual reply of, “Well, that’s great in theory, but in the real world . . . ”

The age old war between the “Dreamers” and the “Real World”.

Interestingly, the sign that follows Sagittarius is Capricorn.  First come the philosophies/inspiration, then comes the hard work of bringing them into existence and leaving a legacy.

What Sagittarius could stand to understand, is that when grumpy old man Capricorn comes raining on his parade, that it doesn’t mean give up or let that spark of inspiration die.  It doesn’t mean stop believing in yourself.

I know a thing or two about speaking my heart and getting attacked and buried under a flock of Capricorn naysayers telling me that I’m too idealistic or naïve about the ways of the world.  That one day I would understand better.

And you know what?  I do understand better.

I’ve worked very hard every day of my life to eventually have a good paying job and stable occupation so that I could provide a roof over my family’s head and put food on the table.  I understand that there are certain “rules” that have to be played by in order to make it in the real world.

But do you know what else I understand better?

That the authority figures in my childhood were also wrong.  (Wait, what?  They were human?)  Being anchored and planted squarely in the real world, does not mean that you have to give up being a dreamer and idealist.  It does not mean that you have to sell your soul, or give up who you are, or be miserable in order to survive or make it in the real world.  It does not have to be an either/or choice, it can be an AND.

I’ve learned that it is possible to change the status quo.  That we are only as limited as our beliefs and understandings about the nature of reality.  There is a truth that aligns with divine natural law, that we aim to bring through the veil of the worlds to here on Earth.  When that is achieved, it is referred to as “Heaven on Earth” or the “Golden Age”.

We are obviously not there yet, but I do know one of many ways it can be reached.

Seek out and remember who you really are inside and strive to realign with and be that at all times.  Remember what you knew in your heart when you were a young child, before you were dismissed, invalidated, and convinced otherwise.  You don’t need to convince other people that your beliefs are true.  Be at peace within yourself with what you know to be true.  If you are not able to be at peace, then maybe you should take a harder look at what you are telling yourself is true.  Inner peace is not conditional on others behaving according to your rules, it is conditional on how aligned you are with your own soul.

These are many of the things that my own Sagittarius and Saturn connections have meant for me in my natal chart.  Finding a higher purpose or meaning in life, bringing and anchoring those philosophies into the real world for practical use, working hard to uncover who I am and aligning to my true self, never giving up in believing in myself and what I know to be true in my heart no matter how many times I mess up and fall down, continually letting go of what I think to be true in favor of opening my heart to discover what is really true and the courage to forgive myself when I see what part I played in my own misery.

There is so much potential during this transit.  I’d urge you to take full advantage of it and use it as leverage to make any much needed changes in your life (whichever part of your life you feel inspired to change).  It is simply a window of opportunity that you can choose to use or ignore.  It makes no difference to the universe, as we all get to where we’re going in the end.

kitty can fly

 

This Light Inside Of Me Is Mine. There Are Many Like It, But This One Is Mine.

Omg, where did I go?  It’s like I fell off the face of the Earth these last couple of months.  This was the first time since I started actively writing on this blog, that I skipped an entire month without posting.  Sorry, November 2014, you don’t get a place of your own in my archive list.  {A moment of silence 😦 }

Now, that’s not to say I didn’t think of you guys, I most certainly did.  This place has come to feel like a favorite hangout of mine, and my readers are like all of the cool random people that I run into while at my hangout.

But regardless of whether you’re an extrovert or introvert, highly sensitive or . . . I don’t know . . . what’s the opposite of that?  Insensitive?  {shoulder shrug},  we all have those times in our lives when things get so intense, we have to kind of withdraw from our usual activities in order to take care of business.  And so it was for me.

Are things now less intense for me?  Not even close.  But there’s no sign of it slowing down, and so I’ve shifted my focus from trying to ‘survive’ it, to pushing myself to the next level and owning it.  This isn’t about ‘why me, god?! why me!?’, it’s about, “Hey Jenn.  You have a ton of untapped potential.  But for some reason, you can’t seem to push yourself enough to be motivated to really get in there, so we’re going to do you a little favor and apply some much needed pressure and challenge so that you are forced to bring your A-Game to life.”

And bravo life, because it’s working.

This last Friday, however, I felt like the universe finally threw me a bone.  “Here’s a gold star for your insane efforts these last months, just so you don’t completely give up as we continue to dump truckloads of ‘WTF?’ on your head.”

Things have been so intense, that I had forgotten that Facebook even existed, but on Friday I suddenly felt the need to check it.  I saw that I had a new friend request from someone I knew years ago.  Plus, an added bonus, it was someone I liked.  So I accepted the request, and then suddenly she was messaging me.  She was so excited to have found me, which I have to say, there’s no feeling quite like someone being so gosh durn happy to have gotten in touch with you.

But it gets even better.

About 5 years ago, I had done an astrology reading for her.  Shortly after this, life called each of us away and we completely lost contact with each other.  Anyways, on Friday, she reminded me that I had said during the coming months of that time, she would meet the love of her life.  (I’m pretty sure I said she had the ‘potential’ of meeting the love of her life . . . I’m uber cautious like that).

The relationship she was just coming out of at the time had completely imploded in on itself, and oh so much ‘no no no no no’ was happening with it.  Now, I’m not the kind of person who will just tell people what I think they want to hear so that they don’t lose hope or give up.  In fact, I’d personally be thinking that a relationship was the last thing she needed, and if I remember correctly, she wasn’t interested herself.  But I do have a faint memory of seeing a coming transit in her chart that stood out so strong and bright, that despite the current situation feeling to the contrary. . . I shared with her what I saw.

Well . . . it turns out, that around the indicated time, she *did* meet someone.  4 1/2 years later, and they are still together and going strong.  She said she had been wanting to get ahold of me to tell me thank you for having opened her up to the possibility, that I had changed her life.

I sat in my seat stunned.  I remember my short stint of doing astrology readings for others.  I didn’t feel real confident in myself, and I didn’t feel like I was really helping anyone.  People would schedule a reading, I’d give it, and then that would be the end of it.  In fact, that basically describes my entire life.  I feel like I put so much into everything I do . . . then dead silence . . . and then that’s the end of that.

My natal Pluto on the Descendant is a real bastard, let me tell ya.  Just seeing the words I used above I can tell you that’s what is at play here.  “Dead Silence.”  No feedback.  No response.  I put myself out there over and over, and get no response or ping or reflection from others about myself.  It’s just me showing myself, and then that disappears into a black hole known as “Other”.

The Descendant is the Other in our lives.  Relationships.  It’s naturally ruled by Libra (and Venus).  Mine happens to also be ruled by Libra.  Relationships in our life are incredibly important because it’s the only way we really get to know ourselves separate from other people.  Aries, the Individual Self, is in natural opposition to Libra, the Other.  It’s the push and pull between these two, that helps us understand ourselves in relation to others and helps us further refine what we know about ourselves.

If a person were to go their whole life with no human interaction, they would be hard pressed to be able to understand who they were as an individual because there is no compare and contrast.  There is nothing to initiate the inner ‘I am this, I am not this’ dialogue.

I know that some of the point of how my natal chart is set up, is to learn to do things for me and because I want to, and not based on other’s response or lack of.  But that’s easier said than done.

Because there is nothing like putting your whole heart and soul into a project, and then when finished, all you hear is absolute silence coming from the audience, followed by the quiet shuffle as everyone gets up to leave the theater in an unenthused, quiet, and orderly fashion as if they had just been to a lecture on the benefits of using certain types of soil for the best lawn results.  It is so demoralizing.  It is incredibly hard to keep up self confidence and inspiration when you’re met with that time and time again.

Btw, that is also my Saturn in Leo in 5th, if you notice the theater verbiage and being ‘orderly’.  The words we use to describe things tell us so much more about the situation then we commonly realize.

Pluto is the Lord of the Underworld.  Death and Transformation.  It is the state a human can become even while alive.  They become zombie-like.  They lack life.  They are essentially dead.  They cannot be roused up out of their rut.  They are incapable of seeing or entertaining the idea of a world or existence outside of what they view as a cold and cruel world.  They’ve given up.  They are perpetual victims, never seeing their role in why situations in their life plays out like it does.  It’s always other people’s fault.  They become like broken records, repeating the same upset and depressing things over and over, year after year.  They will gladly take any life you have to give, but will have nothing to give in return because they don’t use what they are given to truly change their lives, only to sustain their current way of life.

That is what I face every day of my life with Pluto on the Descendant.  People who have lost their spirit, their will to live, and have let their light go out inside.  They have nothing in them to give back, and anything they try to do in order to give the appearance that they are giving back, is just dead and hollow.  Compliments don’t mean anything because they are not real or true, they are just what is done because they either want to appear as a good person or appear to have something to give so that people that are carrying light, don’t leave them.  They don’t want to be alone in the dark with no light, but they haven’t quite figured out that they need to do something to re-ignite their own light instead of trying to steal, capture, hold, possess, etc. someone else’s light as their own.

In order to re-ignite your light after you have let it go out, you have to go through an intense process of death and rebirth while alive (born again anyone?).  And if you can’t dig deep and find the strength in you to overcome that test, then you could die for real.  Or, you could live out the rest of your life as one of the walking dead who are never happy, but it’s not your fault because life is unfair, and focus all of your time promoting how hard you have it and how it never gets better, instead of putting that energy into making some real changes in your life.

So my light goes into these deep black holes, never to be seen again and never reflecting back to me the light I shine for them.  For the longest time, I have also seen myself as a black hole . . . the same as is reflected back to me by these walking dead others.  Because they have nothing to give back, and what they do is usually false or fake, I have a hard time trying to convince myself that I’m not that, without feeling deluded.

I do recognize how I can be capable of those same behaviors, especially when I get worn down enough and haven’t been taking good care of myself or enforcing boundaries between me and others like I should.  I know what it feels like to be the walking dead, because I have taken many unwilling journeys into the Underworld.

But the big difference between me and those others in my life so far, is that at some point, The Fighter . . . The Warrior in me, all of my Aries Rising, Venus, Mars, South Node . . . surfaces and I fight my way back into the light screaming like an Amazonian Banshee on Fire the entire way. (RAAAWWWWWR!)  I gain clarity.  I know who I am and who I am not.  I rise to the challenge, my swords blazing and cutting through the darkness and shadows.  I will not let the darkness put out my precious light for any reason or for any person.  I fight for my light, so that I do not become lost and self-absorbed.

There is a distinct difference between taking good care of yourself, protecting yourself, standing up for yourself . . . and only thinking about yourself and acting like you’re the only person on the planet with any problems.  One is to protect your own light from being stolen or letting it go out and becoming one of the dead . . . and the other is being one of the dead and taking light from others.

When I do get fired up and my Inner Warrior comes out, I have immense confidence and I definitely do not need anyone’s approval or feedback.  But it’s no longer enough for me to just come out guns-a-blazing and mowing down everyone in my path, I must learn how to consistently hold this clarity of my individual self, even while interacting and being completely surrounded by these walking dead.  I think ideally, without so much bloodshed.

I’m not entirely sure that I knew what I was signing up for when I came down here.  There’s a good reason we are made to forget, until we are strong enough to remember.  It’s best that I didn’t know how hard it would be.

How hard it is to climb the stairs to a center stage, knowing that you must perform with your entire heart and soul for there to be any chance of impact at all, but also knowing that you will not be given a sign or any kind of indication of how your performance was viewed or received.  Just straight up faith and belief in yourself.  Even if you’re the only one in the whole wide world who believes in you, but . . . without getting defensive or closing your heart to that whole wide world.

Although . .  as I start to let that part of me show, my heart and soul (and in new experiences of what that even means), the universe rewards me with that rare treat of hearing that I had a real impact on a person’s life.  Friday was one of those rare moments, that followed quickly on the heals of me changing how I was interacting with others in my life.  Makes me feel like Pavlov’s dog.  “You rang the bell, you get a treat.”  It freaking works, I’ll tell you what.  Never do I feel so motivated to keep pushing through the dark, than when I start hitting definite markers that point to the most direct route out of the Underworld.

So if you happen to see a great big ball of flame whizzing by, screaming like the Furies, swords-a-flying, slicing a pathway through the dark, don’t be alarmed.  It’s just Jenn on her daily commute.

 sour fruit thieves