The Fire Within

Some days when I look out at the world around me, I see everyone as someone that I have to protect myself against.  On those days, my long time companion of anxiety is along for the ride.  It’s hard to breathe.  It’s cold, lonely, and exhausting.  It’s harder for me to remember a time when life was good.  Small things start to feel like huge catastrophes.

On those days I feel like a big screw up in life.  I wonder what the point of me is.  I wonder why people tolerate me.  I feel invisible to the world.  I don’t feel like I matter, and I don’t feel like I am making any difference by being here.  I feel like I should be apologizing to each person I come in contact with, for not being more.  Not from a place of self pity, but from a lack of seeing it any other way.  On those days, that is just what is for me.

On those days I am usually quiet and pulled inward.  Contemplative.  I don’t want to make contact or communicate with another human.  I have a need to be quiet.  Re-charging.

On those days I make it okay to not be social.  I make it okay for others to misunderstand my actions.  I make it okay to not have to be immediately responsive.

Because I need to be still.  So still.  And quiet.  So quiet.

I have to let everything that’s been up and flailing it’s arms inside of me, to tire out and settle down.  Sometimes it can take awhile and the only thing that works, is for the *main* me to be so incredibly still . . . and . . . quiet.

Just like a rowdy classroom where the teacher is able to silence the entire room simply by standing there in a strong and silent presence.  A silence so powerful and strong that it cuts through the noise like a knife.

It reconnects the little girl me, who sometimes gets herself worked up into a froth, back to the big girl me who knows what is needed and what is best.

There are the days when the storm is quelled within.  Where I let go of the darkness that I wrap around me like a security blanket, where a completely different world is found on the other side, begging to be explored.

On these days, I must be expressive.  I can’t be quiet and I can’t be still.  I feel bigger and expanded.  Something in me swings open the shutters to let the warm summer breeze through to play.  From my core a silent song pulsing outward commands me to sing and be in movement.  Forcing me into a state of perpetually falling in love, warming and coloring the world around me.

I feel I have so much in me to give that my greatest desire becomes sharing all that I have freely with all.  I want to sing everything I say.  I want to dance in twirls and swirls on tiptoes as I sing out my heart.

It’s such a force of nature, it causes incredible physical pain to restrain it in any way.  It must be expressed.  It must be allowed entry into this world.

But I’ve always been such a serious little thing.  You would never catch me doing anything to bring attention to myself.  Wanting to join in on the reindeer games, but not knowing how to do it in the way that I feel flowing through me.  What comes out of me doesn’t look anything like what I see around me, so I know it will attract attention that I don’t want.  It makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong.

My differences from others has scared me so much that I’ve used all of my will power to keep this part of me still and silent under the surface.  Making me appear serious.  Making me known for being serious, intense, and stubborn.  I’m far from serious.  I’m just trying to keep any of my uniqueness from showing.  I have always been in the state of mind that others are dependent on me, so that means I can’t take any chances or risks that might endanger my ability to provide for them.

I’ve paid the price of not allowing that energy to have an outlet for expression, with my health.  I’ve lived with severe anxiety since I was 14.  Deep soul crushing depression from my teens through my 20s.  I know what true insanity feels like.  Not the kind people joke about when they’re being a little strange or are under temporary stress.

My life was a continual living hell.  I soldiered through.  I didn’t complain.  I didn’t reach out for help.  I put on a brave face.  I felt like I was dying every single day.  That was all I had ever known.

I continued this way until my late twenties, when something in me broke furreals.  I went down into the darkest depths of hell a person can imagine, and swam around in those waters for years waiting for someone to show me the way.  Nobody ever showed up.  Things continued to break in me, each one deeper than the one before.  Down into depths I previously didn’t know existed.

Down and down I went into the rabbit hole.

Until everything I thought was real and everything I thought was me was ripped away and I was left alone at the very bottom of a deep dark well staring up into pitch black darkness.

More time passed.  Afraid.

Until I reached a point where I had nothing left to lose, and like a feather floating down to Earth the final wrapping I used to tie myself small, fell away.

I lifted myself back up from the ground.  I closed my eyes . . . took a deep breath, and for the first time in a long time I could hear my internal soul song.

Having gone far beyond fear and terror, I extended my arms and the dance of Life that I had squelched tight in fear for so long, once again found it’s way into the World.  With it came a love so deep and profound, anything petty and unimportant was instantly burned away. . . anything that wasn’t real and true went up in flame.

Once the fire purified the path, then . . . then the Joy began to pour through.  Pure Ecstatic Joy that flowed through every vein of my body like warmed golden honey.  Everything in me opened up and became Radiated Light.  The world around me transformed into the Golden World and sparkled with Divinity’s Love and Consciousness.

Tired of fighting against it, I finally surrendered to all of who I was.

If I only had one message to give from all of this, it would be this.  Nothing is worth the hidden price you pay for denying your True Self entrance into the world.  Nothing.

The Fire Within

 

To The Robin Williams Of The World

His death is hitting me pretty hard.  It’s hard to see someone make it to 63 and still decide to give up the fight.  It’s hard to see how much genuine love, warmth, and kindness he had to give to everyone . . . but wasn’t able to see himself in the same way that we experienced him.

It makes me think of others in my life, who do a similar thing.  So hard and critical of themselves.  Never giving themselves a break.  Never seeing themselves through other’s eyes.  Never seeing how truly loving, gentle, humbling, and kind they are or what it is they do and bring into other’s lives.

So much focus on being perfect.  On not being good enough.  Or not meeting expectations.  So much attention on what it is that they’re doing wrong, that they miss all of the things that they’re doing right.  Not appreciating or valuing what it is they actually bring to the table of life.

And it’s heartbreaking.  It’s heartbreaking to see someone so genuine, real, warm, gentle, loving . . . something the world is so greatly lacking in right now, not know or see or comprehend the tremendous value they bring to us.

What are we doing to ourselves that we value these things *so* little, that those who are filled with genuineness, love, and warmth, are made to feel like they are worthless?  I can’t say enough how heartbreaking this is.  How reflective this is of the state of things.  The useless bickering and complete bullshit nonsense that we waste our lives on.  It makes me feel so angry inside and hurt.  It makes me feel ashamed to be a human.

I feel pathetic in the face of things like this.  It makes me realize how easily I can become lost in trivial things.  Robin was said to not just be generous with material items, but with his time.  He gave of himself.  Time and being fully present with another human being is the most valuable thing you could give to another person.  It’s personal because you only have a finite amount of it to spend in a lifetime, so who you spend it with and how you choose to spend it is important.

What is it all for?  Why do we do all of the things we do each day, if it’s not from a place of love?  What is the point of being alive if it’s just to exist or to survive?  We all act like when we get *there* or get that future goal accomplished or conquered or overcome, THEN we’ll feel better or feel alright.  But that never fucking happens.

And do you want to know why?  Because we forget to be in love while on the journey.  We forget to be in love with the journey.  Whether you are a scientist, analyst, journalist, comedian, housewife, janitor . . . it doesn’t matter, you should still be coming from a place of love from within yourself.  No excuses.

I’m sorry.  I’m feeling really angry and sorrowful inside.  I feel like we just lost one of the truly good ones in the world.  I am angry that he didn’t get to feel and know inside of himself while alive, how important and valuable his gifts were to the world.  I am angry that the collective wasn’t willing or able to reflect back to him, what he so freely gave to the collective.

I’m angry that I currently live in a world where someone like him is made to feel alone and isolated and so desperate to end the pain he felt inside.  And some of the heartless remarks made in reference to him taking his own life . . . all I have to say to any and all of those folks is, “Fuck.You.”

And an energetic punch to the face.  Because fuck you again.

I know what it’s like to fight depression myself.  I know what it’s like to have someone you love and very close to you try to take their life.  It is not a black and white issue.

From everything that I’ve personally experienced & witnessed in regards to true depression and attempted/successful suicide, is that it stems from an internal fight inside to try and keep your heart intact while trying to learn how to navigate and survive a world that’s become ruled by cold and heartless people who aren’t even aware themselves that they are cold and heartless.

It is the toughest battle a human can embark on.  It takes incredible heart and courage to make the decision everyday to fight that battle.  Every day you make it, is a personal triumph and something to be proud of.  So when one of those who are fighting the good fight goes down?  Give them the motherfucking respect they deserve for having made it that far.

Live Courageously

The Goddess Of . . .

So I was watching a bunch of shows over the weekend (I was supposed to be packing) about ancient gods and goddesses.  Okay, I was watching Ancient Aliens.  Anyways, it got me thinking about how different gods and goddesses have things they are known for.

“So and So was known as the goddess of agriculture.”

“Such and Such was known as the god of writing.”

But sometimes the list of things a deity is said to rule over (protect, help, etc.), seems to me like they were just drawn randomly.

“Let’s see, I shall be known as the god of sugar, donkeys, annnnd . . . ”

{digs hand deeper into the bowl of randomly worded pieces of paper}

“. . . monkey butts.”

But then, I was wondering if maybe it wasn’t just things that the god or goddess totally loved or were naturally attracted to.  Based on their unique energetic imprint, *these* are the things they were totally into, and thus ruled them like a boss because that is what floated their boat.

The next logical stop on the imagination crazy train was, “Well then, if I was a goddess . . . what would I be said to rule over?”

So if I ever make it to goddess-hood, here’s a sneak peak of what I am the boss of:

  • Starbuck’s Chai Tea Lattes (Hot & Iced)
  • Jigsaw Puzzles
  • Cats
  • Excel Spreadsheets & Formulas
  • Laughing
  • Dancing like a loon
  • Singing off-key
  • The color Magenta
  • Ballet flats
  • Walking
  • Unruly hair
  • Awkward social situations
  • Insanity
  • iPods
  • Haribo Gummy Bears

As I said, it’s just a sneak peak and really it’s a living dynamic list that is subject to change at my whim because I’m the boss of it too.

It almost reads like a profile from Playboy in response to  “What are your turn-ons?”

{Shrugs} Whatevs.

Tha Tis All!

(:

Sphinxy

I Heart Responsibility

I had a horrifying self-realization today.  Well, almost.  I’m not sure that I’m at a place to fully admit it to myself, so I don’t know if that qualifies as a realization or not.  First I’d like to try it on before I decide whether or not to buy it.  So here that goes.

I like responsibility.  There.  I said it.

Maybe it’s my natal Saturn (super serious business dude) in Leo (all things fun and joy) with current transiting Jupiter (let’s expand the energy of the sign I’m floating in to ridiculous levels of yay) having recently moved into Leo, that’s talking.  Or.  Maybe the reality (oh hi Capricorn) of the situation, is that <gulp> . . . I like responsibility.

A memory from my childhood that keeps popping up as of late, is one in which I’m about 8 years old and sitting in the upstairs of my grandma’s house.  I had the TV on in the background so I didn’t feel alone.  Transformers were on.  I was in love with Optimus Prime.  That’s neither here nor there.  I just wonder sometimes why my initial love interest was that of a robot.

Anyways.  To entertain myself, I had gathered a bunch of books from off the shelf.  I had gathered other materials from around the house, such as a date stamp and ink pad.  A ruler.  Tape.  A stapler.  Paper.  Pen & pencil.  I arranged everything on the coffee table and then sat myself behind my “desk”.  I arranged the books in order by size and then faced them away from me.

I pretended that I was working at the library.  Someone (a go-bot maybe?) had just come to my counter to check out some books.  Good.  I pulled the books closer to me and in a very orderly and organized way, I wrote down the name and author of the book to keep for my records what books were being checked out.  I then made sure that the date stamp was set for the proper amount of days ahead in which the books would be due.

I had already taped pieces of papers into each book and drawn the lines on the paper, where I carefully stamped the due date into the proper square for each book.  I then let my customer know when the books were due, and that if they were late then there would be a fine for every day they were late.  If they failed to return the book, they would owe the price of the book.  Then smiling cheerfully, I would tell them to have a good day.

I could do this for hours.  This was great fun for me and brought me joy.  Having a natal Gemini Sun/Jupiter which sextiles (less than a degree) with my natal Saturn, this hit me in all the right places.  Books.  Communication.  Order.  Structure.

Gemini can be such a schizoid sign.  Many Gemini wonder if they are, or are even diagnosed with, Bi-Polar disorder because of their very nature to swing one way and then another in an instant.  While it may be hard to be around someone like that, it’s even harder to live with it inside of you.  With my natal Jupiter there blowing up my sun in this already scattered sign, I often felt like I was coming undone inside.

But to add to that, in direct opposition was my Neptune/Moon conjunction in Sagittarius.  I ping-ponged from one to the other.  Internally I would run back and forth from my ‘shattered into a thousand pieces’ Gemini Sun/Jupiter to my very foggy, blurry, confused, emotional, sensitive, lost and scared Sagittarius Neptune/Moon.  I say ping pong, but it was more of a cocktail.  I would just swing from one extreme of the cocktail to the other.  Intellectual observer to emotional zealot.  Inside I was very shattered and emotionally freaked out as a general rule.

As I’ve already mentioned, my Gemini Sun/Jupiter sextiles my Saturn.  Sextile is a favorable aspect.  It is an opportunity for me to have a harmonic relationship between these planets if I choose to put in the effort.  My Sagittarius Neptune/Moon has a trine to my Saturn.  A trine is the most favorable aspect.  That’s a talent and strength of yours.  It’s also where you can tend towards laziness because it’s *too* easy for you.  You don’t have to try hard to make it work, and so you may never push yourself in that area to move into greatness.

So my natal Saturn in Leo, as much as I bitch, moan, and complain about the guy . . . is actually my saving grace.  He is my anchor.  He is the one that goes marching straight into the center of my internal freak circus and straightens that shit out.  If it was not for my Saturn in Leo in the 5th house grounding these other extreme energies in me, I would have long since been locked up in a psych ward.

Because he’s the one that brings the sanity to my internal chaos, it’s because of him that I can quiet down my demons and relax . . . and therefore . . . enjoy myself and my life.

People may look at a librarian, analyst, or a business professional in general and think of how boring or dull that is.  The word accountant brings up images of a stuffy, conservative, tight-ass.  And I feel that used to be true to some degree.  However, I would argue that there are those types of people in every walk of life.

But for me, it’s because of the nature of Saturn that I’m able to enjoy life.  In fact, it’s through Saturn that I’m able to bring all of that internal creative energy that floods my system, into existence.  With Saturn I’ve gained discipline, strength, perseverance.  Through incredibly hard work and determination to not become a complete nutcase, I’ve learned how to provide a solid structure for myself in which to allow the chaotic creative force an outlet into this world.

It is no easy thing to bring in abstract thought and ideas from the ethers of imagination and your mind, and then continue to pull them into an actual plan of action and then follow through with that plan until completion.  The effort could be the accumulation of all of the efforts of your entire life.  THAT is how hard it is.  That is also the epitome of the sign Capricorn, the natural ruler of the 10th house.

The 10th house cusp is called the MC or Midheaven.  The 10th house is your legacy or what you leave behind or are remembered for after you’ve gone.  It is the totality or collection of your efforts while you were here.  What did you build and work on continually throughout your life that is strong, solid, and will withstand the tests of time?

My MC happens to be ruled by the natural ruler of Capricorn.  I have no natal planets there, but I can look to the ruler of Capricorn, Saturn, to see where in my life this is all going to play out.  Which brings me to my 5th house, the house of fun and love and pleasure.

If I were to look at my life like a trend line from this perspective, look where I’ve been in order to project or guess where it is I’m going, then I can see how I’ve had to work incredibly hard over the course of my life to move from being a very broken, shattered, and deeply wounded individual to one who has had to very carefully, tenderly, lovingly put myself back together piece by fragile piece.

I’ve had to forgo partying, letting loose, and living la vida loca in favor of working on fixing myself.  Being strict with myself.  Not letting myself have any excuses.  Not giving up no matter how many times everything re-shattered inside of me.  Learning to stand my ground instead of running in fright.  Confronting myself, my shadows, my weaknesses.  Confronting others, their shadows, and their weaknesses.  Learning to breathe through the terror and stay conscious.  Learning to forgive myself whenever I slipped backwards.

Continuing to take steps forward even if I have failed a hundred times or been humiliated, disgraced, or abandoned by everyone I knew.

Learning to forgive others and seeing their own faults as an outward sign of the struggle that they too fight inside.  Just like me.

Until a day came where a great shift began to happen in me, in which I got to view and experience life from a whole new place.  Not one that was based on struggle and misery.  Not one that was some horrible existence I was doomed to endure.  But a life that was literally shimmering like gold made of diamonds.  One of warmth and laughter.  Fun.  Love.

I’ve started to see glimmers of this life flicker into being here and there more and more as years have progressed.  This is Saturn at work.  It’s there and then it’s gone.  It comes back and then I drop it again.  I’ve figured it out! It’s there for longer . . . longe . . .  and then it slips from my grasp again.

As I continue to put in the hard work on myself, my life continues to gain more love overall . . . more warmth . . . more joy and laughter.  I become more and more at peace with myself and who I am.  I let down my guard for longer periods of time and allow more people into my heart, making my life experience richer and richer.

This is what being responsible has done for my life so far.  I don’t think I just like responsibility.  I think I like like responsibility.  I may even love responsibility.  But there’s no need to rush this.

Adult