Jumping Back Into Life With My Party Of One!

The soundtrack for today’s post:

I Lived by One Republic

I’m currently sitting at the car dealership getting new tires put on my car.  {Transferring money from savings to checking AGAIN for the hundredth time this month.  %^@!*?%  <– can’t put hashtags in my “swear” words anymore . . . it tries to make it a *thing*.

So anyways, on the long ass drive to my appointment this morning I was contemplating my existence (also for the hundredth time this month).  It was more of the “what am I doing?” . . . feeling like I’m missing or not getting something.  That scratch you can’t itch.

Letting stuff float through my mind.  “Nope.  That’s not it.  Nope.  Nope.  Already been down that road thoroughly and nope.”

Sitting in the long line to get onto 520, an energetic dance song came on my shuffled music.  I started bopping to it, my ponytail swishing.  Now, understand that normally, I’m too self conscious to do something like this while stopped in traffic.  I mean I’m *stuck* next to these people for at least 15 minutes . . . it can get awkward.

But something in me is SO tired of everything, that I’ve worn down the strict-disciplined-always-follows-the-rules inner Parent that has always been there to stop me from making a total ass of myself.  My inner child was like “I DO WHAT I WANT! YOU DON’T OWN ME!” and gave into the dance.

I think the key difference for me that separates this from all of my other minor rebellions, is that I truly did not feel subconscious about what I was doing.  I just felt the need to bring the fun and party to where I was.  Right there.  In my car.  Party of one.

And I felt comfortable in my skin with what I was doing.  I smiled.

I felt something start to well up in me.  A new resolve.  It’s time to change.

I’m a motherfluffin Gemini.  Do you know what the ONE thing is that I should have mountains of?  (And that doesn’t even include the effect of *expands everything it touches* Jupiter that is conjunct my sun).

Friends.

Everywhere I go, I should have friends.  Friends coming out of my ears.

But I’ve been sitting around being a pussy about being super sensitive and empathic.  “Oh I need time to myself, I can’t.”  And not to dismiss my own actual needs, yeah I need down time . . . but so what?  So what about that?  Being so guarded and protective of myself, all I’ve managed to do is isolate myself.

I tell myself I don’t want to get involved in drama.  Or maybe I even have a fear that by having friends I’ll create karmic debt and then I’ll never get off this fuckin’ carnival ride.  I don’t know!

But sitting in my car this morning, all I knew was this.  Without friends and personal relationships, life for me is meaningless.  It’s all the people in my life and the interaction with them that makes life worth it for me, and I’ve gone and cut myself off from everyone.

There’s reasons.  I had healing to do, I had to get my own shit together, and all that.  Again, I don’t want to dismiss the process I needed to go through.  But what I do want to acknowledge, is that obviously that time for me is over.  There’s a powerful force inside me that is ready to get out there and get my hands dirty with life.

I want my current friends to know how much they mean to me, and I want to make new friends where ever I go.  I want to turn that party of one into a party of everyone!

So I ninja’d a bunch of my friends this morning.  Texted, left messages in Facebook.  Not all my friends, trying to wade into the pool slowly.  The first response I got back on my phone was “Sweet!  Who is this?”  :/

Actually, it was more like LOL!  Because yes!  That’s exactly it!  I’ve totally disappeared from everyone’s life, so what else could I expect?

I’m giving myself a new challenge in life.  I’m going to learn how to be a friend.  I’m going to learn how to be the first to reach out to others.  I’m going to learn how to be open and invite others to join the party.  I’m going to challenge myself to stop being so self conscious and holding myself back.

In fact, while sitting here in the waiting room and listening to the song from One Republic on my headphones . . . I let myself enjoy music the only way I know how, and that is to dance in one form or another.  I’m the master of seat dancing.  I’m not even thinking anymore “I wonder if they think I’m crazy.”  I’m just thinking, “Yay! Yay! Yay! <tap> <tap> <tap>.”  It makes it feel like the room is coming to life . . . it’s AWESOME.

You know, I’ve *always* wanted life to be more like a musical, where it was acceptable to break out into inspired song and dance.  And who knows . . . maybe I want it to be that way so bad because it has something to do with what I have to offer.

So, if you get some random text or message from someone and you’re trying to figure out who the hell is sending you random hugs and high fives.  Don’t worry, it’s probably just me . . . jumping back into life!

Comments

  1. savannah says:

    thanks for putting what i am experiencing into such foot tapping words. i’m with you sister! Let’s dance, what the hell, let’s get off our butts, jump on the table and let it fly!!!! big hug and smooch
    savannah

    Like

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