Jumping Back Into Life With My Party Of One!

The soundtrack for today’s post:

I Lived by One Republic

I’m currently sitting at the car dealership getting new tires put on my car.  {Transferring money from savings to checking AGAIN for the hundredth time this month.  %^@!*?%  <– can’t put hashtags in my “swear” words anymore . . . it tries to make it a *thing*.

So anyways, on the long ass drive to my appointment this morning I was contemplating my existence (also for the hundredth time this month).  It was more of the “what am I doing?” . . . feeling like I’m missing or not getting something.  That scratch you can’t itch.

Letting stuff float through my mind.  “Nope.  That’s not it.  Nope.  Nope.  Already been down that road thoroughly and nope.”

Sitting in the long line to get onto 520, an energetic dance song came on my shuffled music.  I started bopping to it, my ponytail swishing.  Now, understand that normally, I’m too self conscious to do something like this while stopped in traffic.  I mean I’m *stuck* next to these people for at least 15 minutes . . . it can get awkward.

But something in me is SO tired of everything, that I’ve worn down the strict-disciplined-always-follows-the-rules inner Parent that has always been there to stop me from making a total ass of myself.  My inner child was like “I DO WHAT I WANT! YOU DON’T OWN ME!” and gave into the dance.

I think the key difference for me that separates this from all of my other minor rebellions, is that I truly did not feel subconscious about what I was doing.  I just felt the need to bring the fun and party to where I was.  Right there.  In my car.  Party of one.

And I felt comfortable in my skin with what I was doing.  I smiled.

I felt something start to well up in me.  A new resolve.  It’s time to change.

I’m a motherfluffin Gemini.  Do you know what the ONE thing is that I should have mountains of?  (And that doesn’t even include the effect of *expands everything it touches* Jupiter that is conjunct my sun).

Friends.

Everywhere I go, I should have friends.  Friends coming out of my ears.

But I’ve been sitting around being a pussy about being super sensitive and empathic.  “Oh I need time to myself, I can’t.”  And not to dismiss my own actual needs, yeah I need down time . . . but so what?  So what about that?  Being so guarded and protective of myself, all I’ve managed to do is isolate myself.

I tell myself I don’t want to get involved in drama.  Or maybe I even have a fear that by having friends I’ll create karmic debt and then I’ll never get off this fuckin’ carnival ride.  I don’t know!

But sitting in my car this morning, all I knew was this.  Without friends and personal relationships, life for me is meaningless.  It’s all the people in my life and the interaction with them that makes life worth it for me, and I’ve gone and cut myself off from everyone.

There’s reasons.  I had healing to do, I had to get my own shit together, and all that.  Again, I don’t want to dismiss the process I needed to go through.  But what I do want to acknowledge, is that obviously that time for me is over.  There’s a powerful force inside me that is ready to get out there and get my hands dirty with life.

I want my current friends to know how much they mean to me, and I want to make new friends where ever I go.  I want to turn that party of one into a party of everyone!

So I ninja’d a bunch of my friends this morning.  Texted, left messages in Facebook.  Not all my friends, trying to wade into the pool slowly.  The first response I got back on my phone was “Sweet!  Who is this?”  :/

Actually, it was more like LOL!  Because yes!  That’s exactly it!  I’ve totally disappeared from everyone’s life, so what else could I expect?

I’m giving myself a new challenge in life.  I’m going to learn how to be a friend.  I’m going to learn how to be the first to reach out to others.  I’m going to learn how to be open and invite others to join the party.  I’m going to challenge myself to stop being so self conscious and holding myself back.

In fact, while sitting here in the waiting room and listening to the song from One Republic on my headphones . . . I let myself enjoy music the only way I know how, and that is to dance in one form or another.  I’m the master of seat dancing.  I’m not even thinking anymore “I wonder if they think I’m crazy.”  I’m just thinking, “Yay! Yay! Yay! <tap> <tap> <tap>.”  It makes it feel like the room is coming to life . . . it’s AWESOME.

You know, I’ve *always* wanted life to be more like a musical, where it was acceptable to break out into inspired song and dance.  And who knows . . . maybe I want it to be that way so bad because it has something to do with what I have to offer.

So, if you get some random text or message from someone and you’re trying to figure out who the hell is sending you random hugs and high fives.  Don’t worry, it’s probably just me . . . jumping back into life!

Gemini – The Inner Child

“Hello darkness my old friend . . . ”

Just kidding!  The Sun is currently in Gemini, bitches!

Having a Sun/Jupiter conjunction in Gemini, I have a personal affection for this sign.

Sun Jupiter Conjunct

There’s a lot of trash talk out there regarding Gemini, so I’d like to put in my two cents regarding my own personal experience with the sign of the Twins.  If you’re looking for the typical regurgitated list of keywords regarding what Gemini is . . . then move along little doggy, because this isn’t what you’re looking for.

When I’m first learning something, yes . . . I use keywords.  But then I immediately want to understand how it actually looks, feels, sounds like in real life.  It might have something to do with my Sun/Jupiter being located in the 2nd house that is naturally ruled by Taurus . . . an Earth sign.  Let’s ground that shit.

The Sun is currently in Gemini (end of May- most of June), which means my birthday is coming up.

Sherbert

Let’s see . . . where do I start . . .

I know!  Let’s start with how the energy of Gemini feels.

On a warm summer day.  You’re out in a field of flowers, maybe on a mountain side.  The sky is clear blue.  And then a gentle, refreshing summer breeze comes through and makes you come to life!  Ahhh!  Life is good!

Gemini is that summer breeze.  It’s playful, child-like, smiling, and goes all ‘Sound of Music’ on your ass.  It’s a vibrant color of yellow.  Not pale yellow, not neon yellow . . . but Full of Life Yellow!  Yay!

Gemini reminds us not to take life SO Serious!  O.O

Serious Cat

Laugh once in awhile for god’s sake.

I view the zodiac as a framework for understanding different working energies in the universe and that each serves a purpose.  Each has a spectrum of ways it could manifest from the “I’m brand new to this shit and don’t know what the hell I’m doing” or less mature side, to the “I’ve swam these waters for millennia and I totally know what’s up and I do it well” or more mature side.

I also understand that there aren’t necessarily “opposites” to each sign . . . but a polarity.  Each sign has it’s polarity on it’s opposing side.  If you want to better understand any one sign, you need to also understand the opposing sign.  For Gemini that is Sagittarius.  But more on that later.

Gemini.  Gemini likes . . . nay . . . NEEDS to label things.  “What’s this?”  “What about this?”  “What’s that called?”  Gemini is the universe’s label maker.  It doesn’t want an in-depth description about whatever *it* is.  Curious by nature, Gemini isn’t looking to pass judgment or to use it later for manipulative purposes . . . it just wants a name to call it by.  So later when Gemini is with their friends they can share what they learned with them.

Gemini loves to share.  Not-so-grown up Gemini will gossip like no other.  If you have a secret you want to be kept a secret . . . pssst . . . here’s a secret . . . DON’T tell an immature Gemini.  It’s not because they’re trying to be mean . . . there is a very real compulsion in the Gemini energy to *share*.  To share experiences, share stories, share information . . . connect and share . . . connect and share.

Social Media?  {Insert evil little kid laugh here}  That is so.Gemini.  O.M.G.  I can’t even.

When we’re little kids, we learn by mimicking those around us.  Gemini is that little kid.  Trying to learn and take in as much information about their immediate environment as possible and share what they learn with others.  And just like a kid, they can be unpredictably moody.  Giggles and sunshine one minute, death stare and DOOM the next.  The Twins.

Making connections.  Not just with others, but also between things.  Because Gemini tends to skim a wide swath of topics in an attempt to satisfy their curiosity,  they can also potentially start to see connections between things that the less curious (boring) person might not notice.

Gemini, being an air sign (hello light breeze), is more of an intellectual sign.  It’s not about feelers or emotions.  It’s not trying to save the goddamn world.  That doesn’t come until much later in the zodiac process, with the air sign of Aquarius.  Gemini is just trying to observe and understand things as they are.

Language and communication is a big thing with Gemini.  Also with Virgo because both are ruled by Mercury, the planet of communication.  My son is a Virgo (Sun & Moon).  So I’ve tried to understand what the differences are between the signs because they very much behave in parallel with each other.  It can get a little confusing.

What I’ve observed so far (in my awesome Gemini superhero ways) is that Gemini tends to process information by being outwardly verbal about it.  Virgo (an Earth sign) tends to process information more internally . . . and using more actual senses than Gemini.  Virgo is more practical.  Gemini is head in the clouds.  Thank GOD I have Mercury in Taurus or I’d be a complete space cadet with how the rest of my chart is.

Both Virgo and Gemini tend to be more aware of details.  But Virgo can stay in the details on something specific for a long time.  Gemini is like fuck that.  After 2.5 seconds, Gemini is bored with the topic and moving on.  My son has been learning all of the details and surrounding details regarding making his own digital music.  I’ve seen the program.  He has put in years of his life understanding what each little nobby thing does if he tweaks something this way or that way.  He spends his own money that he’s saved up patiently (he’s a Taurus rising) on textbooks regarding the history of digital music and on music theory.

He blows my mind.  How in the hell do you keep studying all those insanely intricate controls and doo-dads in that program month after month?  I would lose my goddamn mind.  *That’s* a real life example of the difference between a Gemini and a Virgo.

BTW, what I mean by *details* for Gemini, is what I call clue pieces.  At any given time I’m holding virtually in my mind, any and all loose end pieces of information that don’t quite make sense to me or fit in with anything.  My own personal virtual web of ‘WTFs?’ that the jury is still out on.  As I continue to learn new things, sometimes I hit upon new information that *pings* one of my ‘WTF?’ files, and starts to fill in the missing blanks of me understanding something.

Short tangent here.  I always assumed that Virgo would be the type to love actual jigsaw puzzles, because . . . detail.  Look at all the detail you have to focus on.  Smorgasbord of detail.  But you know what?  All of the people in my life with prominent Virgo energy (that I’ve bothered to ask) cannot seem to tolerate jigsaw puzzles.  They approach them like their hair is going to catch fire.  I, on the other hand, LOVE jigsaw puzzles.  OMG they are the best.  And any friends that I’ve ever had who likes puzzles like I do . . . Gemini.

Board games.  <– Gemini says yes.  But expect this if things don’t go how we like:

flipping tables

That’s how I end monopoly games.

So now’s probably a good time to bring up the opposing side of Gemini, which is Sagittarius.  I equally LOVE Sagittarius.  But that’s probably to do with my Moon and Neptune being there.

Gem Sag Axis

Even if you can’t read the symbols, I’m sure you can guess that the little crescent moon shape is . . . the moon.  :O  The trident next to it is Neptune.

Sagittarius is the ‘higher education’ portion of the zodiac.  Gemini, cute little school kid . . . Sagittarius, the person working on their PHD.  Gemini = Knowledge . . . Sagittarius =Wisdom.  Gemini = Concrete observation . . . Sagittarius = Abstract concepts.  Gemini = pieces or *clues* about this and that . . . Sagittarius = the bigger picture.

For me personally, Sagittarius is about the Higher Truth.  Sagittarius also rules belief, religion, prophecy, and zealotry.  Here you can get someone who is pretty sure they know the truth and omg are they going to let you know all about it.  But just as in all signs . . . there is the immature/mature expression.

With my Neptune/Moon there . . . I *feel* truth in my own personal feelings and emotions.  However, I have to make sure I’m being brutally honest with myself and always practicing discernment, but that doesn’t mean I’m always succeeding because I’m currently stuffed into a human body and shit happens.

So my Gemini goes on clue hunts and picks up bits and pieces of information from all over, and my Sagittarius ponders and feels them out.  The stuff that hits the *true* vibe stays, the rest is thrown into a bag of NOPE.  However, I do keep the bag of NOPE around because sometimes when I’m really stuck on a problem I have to go through that bag of NOPE and see if I didn’t accidentally throw something out that I actually need.

I’m a data hoarder.

Where Gemini has it’s tentacles scattered out to the four winds, Sagittarius zooms me in to a single focus and helps me recollect myself.  Gemini is like a web crawler that goes out searching for information, and Sagittarius is like the search engine that allows me to search for something specifically.  Sagittarius allows me to zoom up real high and look at the bigger picture to help me understand why maybe my clue pieces aren’t fitting right.

Hence, why I LOVE puzzles.  Little pieces making up the one picture.  Plus, it’s temporary.  I get a new one . . . I have new colors to dig through and sort.  A new picture to aim for (So Sag, aiming for a single target) using the little pieces (Gemini).  Once it’s done, I usually take a deep sigh (and then a picture) . . . and then I tear that shit apart and throw it back in the box and go get another puzzle . . . with all new colors and . . .

Point being, it’s a fun way to exercise that axis of my chart.  Keep my observational skills sharpened as well as keeping the transition from bigger picture to details and back to bigger picture nice and flexible.  It’s my version of “lifting weights”.  Feels goooood.

Also, Sagittarius wants to find meaning in things.  It’s always in the pursuit of Truth.  Philosophizing.  “Yes, but what does it all mean!?”  And that helps my superficial Gemini a lot.  Basically this axis of my chart, with the planets being in the signs and houses that they are, is all about understanding reality . . . both here and the other side of the Veil.  It’s like my whole expression of being is bent on finding, learning, understanding this reality and the reality after we die and connecting the two together.  What is real here . . . okay and what is real there . . . okay . . . now what do both have in common . . . is this a universal truth or something that is only true for now?  And why?  But how come?

Okay.  There’s so much more I could say about Gemini, but you know . . . we all have lives to get back to and what not.  So . . . go be free . . . be free my little butterflies!  Enjoy the Sun in Gemini time!  Be silly, giggle, get an ice cream cone, watch cartoons, frolick, have fun with friends, play pretend, build a cushion fort, be mischievous!

Shrubbery

 

Are You Truly Done With Suffering?

There is a Truth.  A Divine Blueprint.

There are any number of ways to tell the story of the Divine Blueprint.

All considered True, as long as they retain the original structure of the Original Blueprint.

The closer it aligns to the Original, the more Pure and Whole it is.  The more it is considered Holy and Sacred.

So yes, there is a single Truth in this existence.  And there are many ways to perceive it.  Many paths to pursue it.

. . .

Anything that strays from the integrity of that Truth, is outside of what is Real.

Anything outside of what is Real, is the source of all of our pain and sorrow.

The closer you align to the Truth, to your own Original Blueprint . . . the one made specifically for you by Source itself . . . the special perspective that you were asked to hold of the One Truth . . .

That is what we know here as “healing”.

. . .

Only what is Real and True will heal you.

Only what is Real and True will fill that hole in you.

. . .

You can believe whatever you want to believe.

But if you’re still sick . . .

Unhappy . . .

In pain . . .

Confused . . .

Scared . . .

Then you are still holding onto a belief within yourself that is not true,

And you are still wounded, out of alignment with your Real Truth.

. . .

The very moment you surrender the belief you hold that is outside of what is Real . . .

You will find immediate relief from your suffering.

Immediate.

shakti_green tara

 

 

My Raven Girl

The sun is out and it’s beautiful.  I’m trying to decide if I want to write or go take a nap.

Two days ago on May 5th, I had to say goodbye to my girl kitty, Raven.  Less than two weeks ago I had taken her in because she seemed to be having a hard time shaking off a cold.  Turns out the “cold” was her in stage 4 renal failure.  Basically, the end.  She was just one month shy of her 7th birthday which is two days after my own birthday.

Normally the vets are dealing with cats who are more like 14 or 15 years old.  It was hard even for them to watch a kitty so young struggle with kidney disease.

I’ve barely had any sleep since I found out.  At first I lost sleep because of the news and wanting to spend every moment I had left with her.  Then it was because she was unable to get comfortable herself and was in constant need for comfort and love.  Having “mommy ears”, it’s impossible to hear any little squeak or peep without waking up and walking towards the *being* in need to help them while nearly comatose myself.

Now I can’t sleep because my world is still upside down and I hardly know what to do with myself.

I held her close to my heart until the end . . . until I felt the warmth start to leave her body.

The crying comes on suddenly and in periodic spurts.  Like a release valve so that I’m able to free up some room in me to be able to continue processing what just happened in my life.

I don’t know how such a huge presence fit into that little kitty body of hers.

Raven 1

Whenever I get really stressed out, I start to clean things.  Not mindlessly.  I use it as a focal point to pull myself back together.  Kind of like a moving meditation.  It’s slow and deliberate.  I focus on all of the sensations to help pull me into the present and into my body.  Focus on the smells, the movement, the touch.

I didn’t have to wonder what I was going to do once returning home for the first time without her, because my thoughtful girl had left me one final gift . . . pukes on my bedroom floor.  I was genuinely thankful.  I took my time, knowing it was the last time I would ever get to scrub Raven pukies out of the carpet.

She was such an integral part of my daily life.

For years when brushing my teeth I had to play ‘move from under the water faucet before I spit toothpaste onto your head you silly cat with your water fetish’ with her.

Brushing my teeth this morning was so uneventful.

I looked around for our boy kitty, Gir, to see if he’d be willing to irritate the shit out of me by sticking his head under the water faucet while I tried to get ready.  But no, he wants nothing to do with that wet stuff.

She used to also sit between the shower curtain and clear liner while I took a shower.  At first I thought it was because she liked my company . . . but no, she was just waiting patiently until I moved and she could stick her head under an even bigger water faucet.

Then there was the moment yesterday when I walked into my room and saw sitting in the corner of my room, her raggedy toy that she used to leave for me as a “gift”.  She didn’t have access to rodents (thank god) to drop at my feet to tell me what a shitty hunter I was, so she had two toys that she used instead as a gesture.

Raven toy

It was originally attached to a larger toy, but she only ever wanted this part.  We refer to it as “the purple spider”, but god only knows what it really is.  It’s still where she left it for me a couple of nights before she went.  I’m not ready to move it yet.

Her other favorite toy (which I have no idea where that is) is a tiny little brown bear.  I used to find it regularly floating face down in the water dish.  We never figured out whether she was treating it as a kill and cleaning it, treating it as a kitten and drowning it, or giving her humans a warning.

I’m going to miss her always trying to stick her whole head into my coffee mug no matter what was in there. Repeatedly.

I’m going to miss how she got jealous of any time I spent on puzzles, and so when she thought I wasn’t looking she’d attack the pieces, chew on them, throw them onto the floor, and then shove them under the couch.

I’m going to miss taking her for walks on her leash during the summer months.

Raven 4

Raven5

I miss her ritual for sitting on my lap.  She’d walk over the top of me in one direction and then the other direction, and then walk onto me one last time where she would just stand there and aggressively flick her tail at me saying, “Scuse me.  Ahem.  Are you going to invite me to sit down?”  Which I would have to ask her if she wanted to sit down and put my arms in a specific way around her before she would be like, “Oh? You would like me to sit with you?  Well, I *suppose* I could . . . if it would make *you* happy.”

Raven 8

She would often press all four paws over my heart and just sit there and purr.  The above picture was taken just a couple of days before I found out how sick she was.

I’ll also miss how she managed to force a shoebox past its limit, hanging out all over the place, and make it look comfortable.

Raven 7

Or how she used to lay in positions on the floor that looked so dramatic I would start quoting Shakespeare.  “Oh Romeo, Romeo! . . . Wherefore art thou Romeo?”

Raven 3

I’ll miss her judging my stupid human habits:

Raven 2

She had been found in the streets as a kitten and taken to a shelter.  She was only 6 weeks old and less than a pound when I first saw her.

I had been to the shelter a couple of days before but I just didn’t connect with any of the cats.  My son had already found the cat he wanted (Gir), but I wanted both of our cats to come home at the same time so I made him wait.  I told him that if the kitten he wanted was meant to be his, it would still be there when we came back.

When we came back, the very moment I walked into the room and saw her I knew she was the kitty I was looking for.  Plus, the one my son wanted *was* still there.

We brought them both into a private room to see how they would get along.  Raven took to me immediately.  She went straight to my feet and wasn’t going to leave.  The people at the shelter said that 3 other families had already looked at her, but she wouldn’t come near them.

Gir was 6 weeks older than Raven, so he was huge next to her.  He was strutting around like he was hot stuff.  He came over and knocked Raven over (to be fair, it wasn’t that hard to do).  I waited to see what she did before I reacted.  At first she started to run away from him, but as he walked away she turned back around and went after him and then knocked him on the head and stood there strong facing him like a little spitfire daring him to start shit with her again.

It was in that moment that I knew she was my kitty.

Here was their first day home with us:

Kitten Raven and Gir

It was also the last day they curled up like that together.  Gir likes to be affectionate and tried to take care of her, but she grew up on the streets and didn’t know how to be loved and always pushed him away.  He never gave up trying to though.  He would give her space, but he was always looking out for her.

Here he is a couple of days before she died:

Gir and Raven

He’s actually having a pretty hard time with it.  You could tell he knew something was up.  His meow and demeanor changed a couple of days before she died.  His eyes looked more watery and had a sadness to them.  They still do.  He’s not being his normal cocky, arrogant self, and it’s heart wrenching to see.

I’m not going to miss the vet and hospital bills, or the injections, the constant vet appointments, or watching Raven fade away.  But I sure do miss her.

 

A Life Of Joy At Death’s Door

Death is one of the most deep and intimate things you can experience while in life.  Whether it be through the death of a loved one or a stranger you read about half way across the world.

Death is the ultimate surrendering.  The ultimate letting go.

In astrology, death is found in the 8th house, represented by the sign of Scorpio and by the planet of Pluto.  The energies of death, sex, and intimacy.  The joint resources between partners.

This energy that runs through those representative symbols, just like the other houses/signs/planets in astrology, is the grouping of an energy that acts as a foundation and understanding about nature and cycles.  The reason they *rule* certain things in life is because those things are related.  They aren’t just willy nilly grouped that way for fun.

When I’m trying to better understand the nature of something, I also take a look at the things that are commonly associated with it over time.  From there I am able to start seeing the single thread of energy that moves through all of them.  Once I can see that, I am able to integrate and extrapolate further meaning about that single thread of energy.  This is one of the cool benefits I gain from having a Sun/Jupiter conjunction in Gemini.

But Gemini is more of a superficial sign.  Only interested in what is right in front of them and in the moment.  Distracted by the shiny and sparkly things in life.  It’s the sign of youthfulness and childlike wonder.  It is a happy energy.  When I think of Gemini I feel a sunshiny yellow color.  The color of summer and things that are lit up bright and beautiful and warm.  Gemini, being one of three air signs, is the refreshing breeze that comes through and livens things up.  The social butterfly.

While Gemini does have a dark twin, and you’re never sure which you’re going to get . . . for the most part, death is a far and distant concept for them.  It’s this thing that happens and it’s super sad, but ‘hey, that’s life’ as they go tra-la-la-la-la-ing onto their tiptoes in an impromptu dance where they’re not really listening to anything you’re saying anyways.

So what exactly is up with *this* Gemini that I dive so deep into such intimate matters of the Scorpio variety?  Well many things, but the most influential is what I have in direct opposition from my Sun & Jupiter, my Neptune/Moon conjunction in Sagittarius.  The most interesting thing about it to me, is in the house system I use (Koch), even though both are at 14 degrees, my Moon is in the 8th house and my Neptune is in the 9th house.

My 9th house cusp is right in the middle of those two . . . and boy can I feel it.  Here’s why.  I see 8th house as the house of ultimate depth and the ultimate release . . . which at the moment of release,  the energy starts to soar upward into the 9th house (naturally ruled by Sagittarius) of higher truth and freedom.  My Moon and Neptune are straddling that crossover, along with being *in* the sign of Sagittarius.  The Moon is a very personal planet.  It’s what you feel in your core.  If you were to pull into yourself like a turtle and just be in the center and essence of *you* . . . this is your Moon.  Well, technically it’s the IC (4th house cusp), but it’s represented planet-wise through your Moon.

My Moon in the 8th house shows a natural comfort zone in the energetic zone of death and intimacy.  But being in Sagittarius and sitting snug with Neptune . . . it’s the *surrender* moment . . . where the soul surrenders to the Divine.  “Let go and let God.”  It’s the sign of the Free Spirit.  The shadow side of Sagittarius can be someone running from the deeper, serious things in life.  I very much have the tendency in me to haul ass out of situations that get too serious.  The Sagittarius that is growing up, is one who stops running from these things and learns how to be free by embracing all of life.  It’s also the sign of joy.  🙂

My struggle in this life has been to be present in all life situations without going into make-believe or pretend.  My tendency is to become a silver lining sayings factory instead of actually letting the reality of the situation sink into me.  When I was 16 my maternal grandmother died.  Could.not.handle.it.  A whole bunch of NOPE came up in me.  My family wanted me to come to the funeral . . . said I would regret it one day if I didn’t go.  Nope.  That’s all I felt inside of me.  If I don’t go to the funeral, it didn’t happen.

My interest in life after death consumed my childhood.  In the 4th grade I did an oral report on reincarnation.  In hindsight it was a really dumb thing to do, because at the time I lived in the southern US state of Georgia, also known as the bible belt of America.  I was excited to share this information, but was met with a room full of frowny angry faces.

Also, I always had dreams where people who had died in our family would come to me with messages to give other family members.  I could sense, feel, and hear ghosts/spirits.  I purposely blocked them from my vision because there is only so much a little girl can handle in the dark by herself.

I was also plagued by incredibly gruesome dreams.  Dreams where I was put in horrible situations such as being shot in the head and being forced to make a choice between me being shot in the head first and ending my suffering, or having a child I was protecting be shot in the head first so that her suffering ended first . . . however I would have to witness it.

I was taken to a lot of counselors and psychologists when I was younger.

The point being . . . you can run, but you can’t hide from who you are and what you’re meant for in the world.  A point made very clearly to me in a dream in which my maternal grandfather, who I had watched take his last breath in this life, came to me and told me that I needed to get over my fear with this ability to travel back and forth between the veil of life and death, because it was going to happen ready or not.  Meaning, I better get my shit together and stop running from my fears because my natural abilities were going to start to bleed through whether I disciplined myself to deal with it or not.

I’ve had many dreams in which I’m placed in various scenarios where it’s *the* moment of death.  The moment where it’s time to go, and the soul is released from the body.  It’s lucid, and I stay aware during the whole process.  Every single time, I look to the others near me in the dream and I say to them . . . “Just let go.”

It’s my Moon mantra.

The feeling in the moment of dying in these dreams, is one where you let go of all attachments to life including the need to survive.  I feel all areas of the inner me literally detach energetically from the physical body.  It’s 100% openness.  It’s laying down all burdens.  A complete surrender to the All.

Imagine you were standing at the top of a 100 story building and you got shoved off.  There’s zero doubt you are about to die.  Maybe you feel some regret move through you.  Maybe a feeling of ‘oh shit . . . I should’ve lived more’.  Those will move through your mind pretty quickly until you come to a moment of clarity.  A single moment of knowing that “this is it”, who was most important to you, and then there is an instinctive response to “Let Go” where you close your eyes and you let every single thing you spent your life worrying about go.  All of it.

That is the moment of ultimate surrender.  Ultimate presence and awareness.  It’s ironically the moment when you are most alive, because your attention is not being scattered to the four winds in worry about taking the car to the shop, making dentist appointments for the family, grocery lists, that presentation at work . . . no, all of your awareness and attention is zeroed in on that moment.  It quickly condenses down to the few most important things in your life.  Your wife.  Your kids.  Your mom.  Whatever it is for you, in that moment you will know with all of your heart what mattered most to you in life, and they will be the last thoughts you have before you exit the body.

It’s when your heart is most open.  It’s when you are the most real and authentic you.  It’s the moment of truth.  The moment where everything false or unimportant is burned away in an instant.

That is where my Moon & Neptune reside energetically in my natal chart.

Between my Gemini Sun/Jupiter and my Sagittarius Neptune/Moon, I live perpetually in this doorway between life and death.  This doorway of surrender, what’s truly most important, and how wonderful each day we are given is.  It’s my comfort zone, this understanding of the transition between here and there . . . life and death.

An appreciation and love for that moment, even though it brings people so much pain and sorrow.  I also feel that deep pain and sorrow, but I simultaneously feel the surrender and release of all that isn’t real or true within me.  As I open to the incredible pain of loss and sorrow, whether it be personally for a loved one or for those I don’t know, like those lost during a natural disaster, my whole heart opens . . . lifting the separation of the worlds between life and death within, and flooding me with the absolute love the Divine has for each and every one of us.

It is where I am comforted and where I give comfort.

Speaking of which, I have a little kitty girl on my lap who is currently in this transition and is trying to let me know that it’s about time for her to go.  I’m trying to be brave and not resist it, but I don’t think anyone looks forward to opening themselves up to that level of pain.

It’s like throwing up.  You know you’ll feel better once you do it, but you’d rather not.

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