There Is A Time To Live And There Is A Time To Die

One thing about having your life flipped upside down with devastating news, is that it forces you to be present in the here and now.  All there is, all you can be sure of, is what is happening at this moment.

You know, I tried to imagine the Native Americans back hundreds of years ago all sitting around the campfire trying to plan out their 5 year and 10 year goals and it just looked ridiculous to me.  Discussions started about risk management of the buffalo herds and average rainfall from recent years and the amount of berry return they could expect in the coming years based on weather projections from their shaman.  Which then turned into arguments and name-calling and fistfights.  It was a disaster.

The Native Americans as a people, at one time, had such a genuine appreciation of life and gratitude for all they had.  They knew what needed to be done in each moment and left the rest to the Great Spirit.  They lived simply.  But they weren’t just flying blind, they were plugged into the pulse of nature.  It’s a natural rhythm that syncs up with our mind and heart.  It’s a feeling, a knowing of what time it is . . . of what needs to be done right now, and what was needed for the future was automatically calculated into that with the unseen spirit of Life.

A perfect recent personal experience with how this works, is that I felt a strong need in me to take a couple of days off.  It wasn’t your typical, oh that sounds like a good idea, it was something deep in me telling me that it needed to happen.  So I just went with it in the moment, and I used my instinct for how to go about doing it.  The night before my two scheduled days off I found out that my girl kitty was dying, and I would’ve had to take those two days off anyways . . . but because I listened to my *now* voice the week before without getting caught up in why I felt it . . . it was already taken care of.  Instead of having to focus on arranging all of that with no warning to my office, everything was already pre-arranged and I was able to 100% focus on the situation at hand.

That is living in harmony with life, even while in the modern world.

Right now everyone’s too busy thinking they know better than life and nature, what needs to be happening from moment to moment.  Not only that, but also busy telling everyone else what *they* should be doing too.  With all of this chattering at each other, how can anyone hear their own inner voice anymore?  The one that connects them to Life?  The one that sustains, nourishes, and provides everything that is needed from moment to moment?  Is it any wonder we’re all starved and empty inside?  When you go against that internal natural rhythm you purposely deny yourself nourishment from nature . . . God . . .The Mother . . . however you choose to see that which spiritually feeds us and makes all things possible in this life.

Do you not stop and think about what makes trees grow?  What makes bees buzz?  What *it* is that animates this world and brings it to life?  What makes you walk around and laugh and talk and cry?  There is this ever present hum of life that is present in all and everything we do, and we try to live life like a bunch of teenagers who think they already know everything, ignoring this very real and present provider in our current existence.

All of it is a gift.  What moves through everything and gives it the spark of life and animates this world, does NOT have to do that.  It can withdraw at any time it chooses.  Every bit of it is a gift, and we take it for granted and we stomp all over it, and ignore it.  We refuse to even acknowledge it’s existence . . . and yet it continues to give and give and give.  And we . . . continue to be like a bunch of spoiled brats who need their asses whooped.

Being alive is a gift.  Dying . . . is a part of that process.  It’s sad because we want to continue to share this life with that person or being, but things must come and go as they need to, not as we personally wish them to.

Just like I didn’t know initially why I was taking off those two days, I don’t initially know why it’s time for Raven to die or why it’s time for anyone to die . . . but there are bigger things at work than just us as humans on this planet.  Maybe Raven is a super spy on the planet Catawesomeness, and she was here on a vacation or as a favor to someone, and now her time here is up because she needs to get back to her real job at Catawesomeness.  Yes I’m sad for her to go, but that’s the nature of existence.  The natural rhythm at both the micro and macro levels.

Just because she’s going to move into a spectrum of light my human eyes can’t see, doesn’t mean she ceases to exist or that she isn’t still out doing awesome Raven things.  Because that’s not how things work.  There are whole existences and worlds that our minds have been closed to for a really long time and it’s that closed mindedness that makes us suffer.  The suffering is in response to an imagined way of how things are when we die.  Not based on truth or reality.

The grief . . . the grief is very real.  Energetically, it’s the untangling of energy from each other.  If we grip on tightly to the being dying from this world (or just leaving to do something else awesome), then it becomes more painful.  If we were to know or understand that they’re just going through a door and onto other things just like when we move or change jobs here . . . then we’d be more willing to unlock our grasp on them and free them.  Let them go.  Let them move on to their next life without pulling on them to come back when they are done here.

I had a dream a few years back.  I was in a house with a girl.  She left the room momentarily and when she did my dream became lucid . . . more real than real life.  The ghost of a girl was trying to make contact with me.  She was pleading with me.  Something that the astral plane was trying to get across the veil to the world, to us.  It was an emergency.  When the other girl returned to the room, the ghost disappeared.  I told her about it, and she said that her sister had died and it was probably her.

When I first woke up I couldn’t remember what the urgent message was from the other side of the veil.  But I suddenly remembered it this last week.  The urgency was that we’ve forgotten how to properly grieve the dead.  We’ve forgotten how to open ourselves wide to the loss in order to free them so that they may leave this world.  The astral has been bursting at the seams with the spirits of our loved ones who we won’t release or let go or forgive.  Our awareness and attention is more powerful than we realize.  Holding tight to someone, whether alive or dead . . . binds them.  It makes it harder for them to untangle their energy from you and be free to leave.  You have to release your hold on them, and they on you.

In ancient times, there used to be huge ceremonies held throughout the year where specially trained priestesses and priests would do these elaborate ceremonies in order to clear all of that out.  So if you did lose someone and you were holding onto them, this was an opportunity as a community to join together in your grief and let them all go together.  Then you had the company and support of others suffering the same and you could lean on each other for support in having to finally say goodbye or let go.  But what do we do now?  We get, what? two days to move through the whole grief process before we get back to business and continue as if nothing happened?

This neglect of this part of ourselves is what is undoing us now.  This need to hold onto things long past their time.  This need to overcome nature and be these heroes that triumph over death again and again.  It goes against natural laws.  We throw money at cancer research and call it charity and doing good . . . without understanding whether it truly is good or not.  The more we try to conquer disease and sickness, the more that shows up.  Suspicious don’t you think?  Perhaps it’s Mother Nature taking matters into her own hands?  We are truly foolish people.

We have 7+ billion people on the planet.  More than the planet can sustain.  Is this *really* being progressive?  Or is this the result of us thinking we know better than God . . . Mother Nature.  This unhealthy obsession to force and make things continue to live against their will, just because we’re too scared to let go.

We’re scared of our emotions and our feelings and of losing that which we love.  These are our shadows that we run from.  Our whole existence is now centered on a fear of dying and losing love, rather than living and experiencing love.  In an effort to cheat death, we have become the dead.  We no longer remember what it even feels like to be alive.

There is a time for us to be born . . . and there is a time for us to die.  And if we’re tuned into the natural rhythm of life, we know when those times are, and we need to allow them to happen.  Provide love, provide support for both them and their loved ones, help ease their suffering as much as possible during the transition.  But for god sakes . . . we need to let them go.

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Love Out Loud And With All Of Your Heart

So a week ago on Friday I had started to feel like I could maybe use a little break from work.  Nothing major, just a couple of days added on to a weekend.  So I arranged to have the following Thu. & Fri. off.  Was totally looking forward to it.

The following Mon. evening I was holding my girl kitty, Raven.  She had what seemed like a nasty cold earlier this year, but she recovered from it alright.  But lately, she had started to look like it had returned.  And then there was her weight loss.  And a few other things the more I thought about it.  Overall everything else was normal . . . but not quite.

Something told me to make a vet appt. first thing the next morning.  I even found myself telling my boy kitty, Gir, to look after his sister.  I suddenly had this feeling like I wasn’t really sure that she’d make it to morning.  I can be a little dramatic in my head, so this is absolutely normal for me.  I put it down to REALLY needing a vacation.

So I got Raven in Tues. morning, and they checked her over.  The vet said that she had a strange mix of symptoms, and most concerning was the weight loss.  Raven will be 7 this June, so they decided to do a senior blood panel.  They also tested her ear wax (been tugging on her ear) and also x-rays.  Before I left they gave me some ear cream for her ears because they did find something that may have been irritating her.  They said they’d call me with the results for everything else by the next morning, and I said to please leave a voicemail if I didn’t answer because I’m horrible about answering the phone.  Initial look at the x-rays looked pretty good.  So no big worries.

In my optimistic sunshine world, I was able to contribute all of her issues down to her ears and that magically the ear cream was going to make her ALLLL better.  Yes.  That’s how it works, right?  I didn’t think anything of it when I didn’t hear back by that evening.  I had a meeting Wednesday morning, and I managed to work Raven into the conversation . . . which I then realized that I should have heard back by then.  I started checking my phone.  I still wasn’t concerned, but something was bugging me way in the background of my awareness.

No.  Ear cream.  She has the ear cream.  It’s cool.  No news is good news, right?  It’s just her ears, I’m totally blowing it out of proportion.

So I went on with my day.  After work I went to pickup my son from college and we went home.  I was all, “I’m officially on vacation, so let’s stop at Starbucks and get Cake Pops!  I’m gonna let loose!”  So the merriment continued all the way home.  I was totally looking forward to my 2 days off and it leading into a 4 day weekend.

After I got home, I checked my phone and oh! look, a voicemail from the vet.  Cool.  Let’s get this over with so I can continue on with my weekend, I’m sure it’s the whole “everything looks good, nothing seems to be seriously wrong” voicemail.  Hit the “play voicemail” button . . .

And what I heard, is NOT what I was expecting by any means.

” . . . regarding the test results, unfortunately . . . Raven has severe Renal Failure . . . suspected Heart Failure . . . severe Anemia . . . ”

My whole world flipped on it’s head.  It felt like all of time zoomed in on that moment.  Then like someone drove a nail through to the center of my head with the single pointed message of, “Raven is dying.”

I glanced at her laying in her box on the floor.  Something in me gave, and from deep within the sorrow came rising up and out of me.  The ground began to give out from under me, and I came down hard crying.  My son had been in the bathroom and he came running out and grabbed ahold of me to comfort me, as I tried to find the words to repeat the news to him.

I call my son the animal whisperer.  It’s like he was born to communicate with all animals.  They naturally come to him.  He has an incredible soft spot in his heart for all of God’s creatures.  So I knew this was going to greatly affect him.

I finally started to collect myself and say, it’s going to be okay.  That this is a part of the cycle of life, and if it’s her time it’s her time, and it’s going to be okay.  Which Raven decided was the time to come join the party.

I tell you, it’s hard to keep your heart from closing and going numb during times like this.

And as a single parent, you have to keep yourself together in order to take care of things.  So it’s especially easy to ignore your feelings in the name of taking care of business.

After that, I felt a need to connect with other people.  Having done a superb job of isolating myself, reaching out means going to Facebook.  So I started posting status updates as a means to not feel so alone in this heart wrenching situation.  It really does feel less alone when you can post an update and know that others will see or read it.  Even if they don’t respond back . . . there’s still a feeling of community.  That feeling of there being a witness to your life . . . that it’s not being lived in obscurity.

Raven before hospital 4-24-14

Thursday morning before going to the hospital.

So my two days that I had planned the week before, were exactly what I needed because Thursday morning I had to take her to be admitted into the hospital.  Thursday evening I transported her to a 24 hr care hospital, where she stayed until Sunday evening.

Raven at hospital 4-24-14

At the 24hr hospital.

She got to come home last night.  And my poor little angel kitty.  She’s only 7 . . . but she’s behaving like she’s 20.  She’s saved my life so many times in the last 7 years with her love.  She got me through all the hospitalizations of my son.  I’d come home and she’d hop on my lap and place all four paws onto my heart chakra area and purr herself to sleep.

Raven back home 4-27-14

Just returned from the hospital.

I’ve had kidney issues my whole life as well.  Between that and the emotional stress from the last 7 years, is it any wonder that she’s suffering kidney and heart failure?  Our pets help us in so many ways that we are unaware of.  Taking on some of the energetic load of our own suffering onto themselves.  Where else do you find that pure of a love?

She’s at stage 4 renal failure and yes, I can see her little body struggle as she rests next to me.  I love my pets as my children.  I don’t care how ridiculous that seems to some.  It’s a blessing and a gift to feel that kind of love for another living being.

When I visited her at the hospital on Saturday, and it was time for me to go . . . I looked back at her in the room with the IV hooked to her front paw and watching her struggle to stand until I had left, kind of like “See mom, I’m doing okay.” . . . I felt the waves of sorrow that continue to wash over me.  The feeling of “oh god, this can’t be happening . . she can’t be dying . . . not my Raven girl.”

It’s hard.  When I can’t handle it and I feel myself cut off from my feelings, I feel myself get mad and thinking things like, “How long is this going to drag out?  Why won’t she just die so I can start grieving? Now my whole life is going to revolve around trying to care for her as she slowly dies.”  I feel like a monster when I think those things.

But then the swell of sorrow rises up through me again, and I’m a crying puddle on the floor again.  And it feels really good to let them out.  To just open up and let it out.  While I may be dramatic in my head, I rarely let those things escape to the outside of me when others are around.

But then I think . . . this IS dramatic.  This is Life Drama coming to me Live!  If this isn’t a situation where it’s okay for me to feel sorrow dramatically out loud, then when is it?  And the answer is, whenever I feel it that deep and that strong.  That’s when it’s okay.  Letting it out . . . not squeezing it tight into me and crying silent tears.

THIS is life.  THIS is a part of living!

My kitty girl who has been a constant companion to me for the last 7 years is dying.  It hurts goddamn it!  It hurts and it needs to be let out.  I need to feel it.  I need to feel the sadness and sorrow of this big thing that is happening emotionally to me.  REALLY FEEL it.  Let it roar through my whole body, giving it a voice.  Letting it be seen and felt and heard.

It’s what reminds us that we’re alive!  I don’t want to shrink from this experience.  I want to walk whole-heartedly into it.  I will not shrink from life and all it has to offer.  Whether good or bad I will face it with an open and aware heart.  I will make it my JOY to care for her in her remaining days.  She deserves my presences and awareness to her situation.  She deserves my open heart and love and bravery during this time of need in her short life.  She deserves to have someone go through this WITH her instead of by herself by me cutting off from my feelings.

It’s our feelings and love and care for others that open us up to them and keeps them from feeling alone.  If you cut off from your feelings for any reason, you leave the people around you in the cold.  You may think that you’re just being responsible or however you see it . . . but the result is the same . . . it leaves others in the cold.  It separates you from others.  It leaves you feeling alone and it leaves others feeling like you’ve left them, even if you’re physically present.

Take it from me, I’ve done it my whole life.  It’s taken a lot for me to see and understand it for myself.  I know it can hurt to feel . . . but only when you fight it.  When you openly embrace it and welcome it . . . it floods you with healing and warmth and love, as well as removing the feeling of being alone and isolated.  I promise it’s far better to feel your feelings than to cut yourself off from them.  That’s a hell I hope to never revisit.

Love.  Love out loud. Love with all of your heart.  Love without shame.

There Is Great Treasure To Be Found In Ancient Wisdom

I’m feeling a little quiet and worn down today.

But I was just thinking about how science is showing us how basically everything is made up of frequencies and vibrations.  Or sound.  Or . . . the “Word of God”.

And I was thinking about how in Quantum Physics we’ve learned that light switches between waves and particles, based on whether it’s being observed or not.  Or based on whether a person’s attention or awareness or consciousness is interacting with it.

Then I thought of how HUGE the planets are in comparison to us . . . and how each has it’s own frequency/vibration . . . like a fingerprint.  And radiates out that unique frequency/vibration just as an act of existing or being.  It’s at a level that is outside of our conscious awareness, but it’s still happening.

And THEN I thought about just how stupid it is for us to think that those frequencies and vibrations *don’t* effect us at some level.  When two things interact . . . *something* happens, there is a change.  It happens in physics and chemistry.  It happens in music . . . in harmonies, discord, etc.

Everything is just atoms vibrating in various patterns to form solidity . . . or what appears to be solid.

And how everything cycles . . . just like the gears of a watch, to the point that if you observed long enough, you could start seeing a pattern.  When *this* vibration interacts with *that* vibration . . . the results seem to always be of *this* nature.  After thousands of years of compiled observation and knowledge . . . you could have a pretty good idea about the pulse of the nature of things.

This all makes perfect sense to me.

So then I wondered why astrology has been thrown into the pot as being for simpletons or the superstitious.  It seems to me that it’s a type of science like any other, based on extensive observation and trial and error in order to try and understand the world in which we live.  Science came about in an attempt to better understand spirituality, or the nature of the world in which we live . . . not replace it.

Astrology takes a wide variety of skills and disciplines in order to use it effectively.  It’s not for someone who doesn’t use their brain.  It’s not for someone who doesn’t use their heart.  It’s not for someone who doesn’t have a love and passion for it, because it takes immense dedication and a lot of patience before your effort starts to pay off.  You pretty much have to become obsessed with it in order to really start understanding and gaining the reward of what information is *really* being handed down.

But the perception of astrology in this day and age, is almost solely based on people reading their weekly sun sign horoscope in their newspaper.  An immense wealth of wisdom, being judged on something so completely superficial and trivial.  Which basically sums up our modern society.  It’s so tragic, it’s almost hilarious.

Did you know at one point it used to be considered irresponsible for a doctor to try and treat a patient without using astrology.  And from what I’ve come to understand about it, I actually agree.  At least the use of the understanding that comes with *why* the human body becomes afflicted like it does and how it can be connected to a mixture of incoming vibrational influences, as well as conscious will and the choices we make for ourselves.

The ancient knowledge that we are so quick to dismiss and close ourselves off to, holds treasure troves of information that we’ve forgotten about ourselves and the nature of the universe.  Perhaps our ancestors didn’t understand the mechanics or wisdom behind why it worked like it did, but that doesn’t make it any less true or any less valuable.

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