Here’s To Loving Life And Existence

Yesterday as I sat at a stoplight while running errands, it got into me that it was time for one of my adventures.  It happens a couple times a year.  I suddenly need to drive with no destination in mind.  So when the light turned green . . . I went straight instead of turning left.

At the next light, I wanted to both go straight and take a right.  This sudden breaking free from my routine had introduced a new thought and feeling into me.  I started thinking about a quote that’s been making the rounds online, something about the ones who don’t actually know anything are the ones with confidence and the ones who do . . . don’t have any confidence.

The exact wording wasn’t important because it was coming in more as a feeling/knowing/understanding for me.  I’ve had so little confidence in what I feel and believe . . . and why?  There are millions of people acting confidently based on half assed thoughts  . . . and look at how well that’s working out for everyone.  So why not?  Why not let myself be confident in mine too?

This was making me feel better.  I was feeling stronger in my base and core.

Why not?  Sure my feelings and beliefs might be weird and out of the normal.  They may not make sense to a good majority of people . . . but so what?

I was in the lane to go straight . . . but then the light for the right turn lane had turned green.  I checked the mirrors for any traffic . . . it was clear . . . so I hit the blinker to turn and the gas.  I even did a mini skid squeal with my tires all fast and furious-like.

The road I took takes you around a large lake.  It is some of the most gorgeous road I’ve ever driven.  I could feel my spirit spread out for miles.

My thoughts kept coming back to the confidence thing.  If the “wrong” people are the ones with confidence . . . then what is stopping the “right” people from having confidence?

I feel it’s mostly to do with the ones with confidence, have it because it fits the old paradigm.  They have centuries and the masses on their side in belief.  That’s a lot of conscious energy keeping it in place.  It’s no longer about whether it’s actually the right thing . . . only that it’s how it’s done.  There’s a lot of energy and momentum already invested in those ways . . . so it’s much easier to go along with the flow.

Whereas, if you feel differently about any of it, you are trying to swim upstream.  You have to gain an insane amount of strength, courage, and confidence in what you feel and believe in order to not only hold onto those feelings and thoughts, but also to start introducing or speaking them out loud.  So they start out as whispers.

You’ll have plenty of opposition.  You won’t really have any supporters.  You have to risk looking insane . . . being alone.  Possibly harmed.  People in general don’t like change to the status quo.  In short, you have to expend a tremendous amount of energy, the risks are high, and the return may be zill.  That’s why the ones who could really help during this time lack confidence in themselves and what they feel and believe inside.

I was blessed with an insane amount of this kind of energy (Aries).  So as I was flying down the highway (at a safe speed), with my window down and wind blowing in my hair . . . I kept asking myself why not start believing in my feelings and beliefs.  What do I have to lose?  The only thing I stand to lose, really . . . is my fear.

Whether I’m one of the ones that should or shouldn’t have confidence, just doesn’t seem to matter to me anymore.  Maybe I am one of *those* people who shouldn’t be so confident . . . but what does it matter anymore?  Who cares?  The world is falling apart at the seams anyways . . . what would it hurt to take this opportunity to believe in myself again?

If I’m in the wrong in my beliefs and feelings . . . then let me do it all of the way . . . let me do it confidently.

{watch out for incoming teddy bears, rainbows, and bunnies!}

I eventually came back to the intersection where I wanted to go two different directions . . . and took the other direction I had wanted to go.  Who says you can’t have your cake and eat it too?  (I don’t even understand that cliché . . . who has cake and DOESN’T eat it?)

I was singing my little heart out.  It had started out as a cloudy day, but during the drive the clouds had cleared and the sun started to shine through.  It felt like I was in the middle of a musical.  I was saying hello to a rushing river and to all of the swaying trees.  It was soothing to my heart and soul.

At the end of my little road trip, as I parked my car to finish my errands, I looked up in the sky and saw a huge black bird with its wings spread wide and floating on the currents.  I couldn’t figure out what kind of bird it was.  It was huge like an Eagle, but didn’t have the markings of one.  It was SO incredibly black all over.  It didn’t look like any bird I had ever seen, but it was so B E A U T I F U L and graceful.  I was completely mesmerized by it.

I heard myself saying, “I don’t know what you are, but it doesn’t matter . . . I don’t need to know what you are to know that you’re beautiful.”

In that wide open moment, something struck me about what I had said and then I started to giggle . . . both at myself and at life.  I spend so much energy in wanting to know who I am . . . what my “name” is, but as I was staring at something so beautiful and breathtaking in that moment, the last thing I cared about was the creature’s name.  I was just so happy and grateful to be witnessing it’s existence and way of being.

Sometimes new things come into existence and don’t have a name yet.  Maybe there are things that don’t need a name . . . maybe their name is their existence . . . their presence.  Maybe a name or identity would diminish their worth.  Maybe you can only know them by experiencing them.

Sometimes life surprises us.

Okay . . . and maybe a little music:

Don’t Let Go by Lea Michele

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