Cliff Diving (Okay, Maybe Falling Off Of Cliffs Ungracefully)

I have to call upon so much courage in myself when trying to speak from my heart.

It feels like I’m hanging from a cliff by my fingers, and I’m trying to pull together enough courage to let go . . . one finger at a time.  I become so scared.

Is it going to hurt?

Will I be okay?

But I know it’s my path . . . to learn to speak out loud what is in my heart.

Not what is popular . . . not what is commonly accepted . . . not the influence I feel from others around me . . . but what I and I alone feel separate from the outside world.

I cannot express the terror I feel surrounding this seemingly simple act . . . speaking what I feel inside.

The humiliation I feel.

I have to do it through tears and slow breathing.  It’s like trying to breathe oxygen into a stubborn raisin that insists on folding in on itself.  A trembling raisin.

I do it because I know it’s the only way for me.  I do it because when I’m successful, I once again come alive and see everything for what it is.  I feel myself glow.  I know without a doubt that it’s my calling, even if I don’t know why it’s my calling or what I’m supposed to do with it.  I don’t care why . . . it feels too good to be doing what it feels like I was put here for.

Nothing else matters.

Even knowing that, I continue to hold onto the cliff’s edge with my fingertips.  Crying and pleading with the circumstances . . . wanting to be anywhere but hanging from that cliff.

I hang on because when I start to open my heart and see what’s in there, I become overwhelmed and scared by what I see.  Not because it’s something bad . . . but because it’s something so immense . . . because it’s something new and I don’t know what to do with it.

It doesn’t fit into anything I’ve ever seen really happen in life.  And in that moment when I’m staring straight into it, I know . . . I know I must call upon all of the strength and courage I have inside, because I have to stray from all I’ve ever known and understood about life.

I have to come to peace with letting all of my greatest fears come true as I take my first steps.

Hence the cliff crying (upgraded from floor crying).

The more steps I take, the more confident I am that I’m heading in the right direction . . . and take one more finger off of the cliff’s edge.

I don’t know . . . I guess the hardest thing for me to overcome what I see when I look deep into my heart right now, is that it’s something that I had unknowingly lost a belief in.

It’s like suddenly seeing an honest-to-goodness leprechaun running around your desk.  There’s a moment of shock that a leprechaun even exists before you can start processing what’s happening.

Ironically, I believed in leprechauns more than I believed in what I’m seeing now.

In my heart, I see and feel what can only be True Love.

It’s not like anything I’ve ever heard about or seen.  It redefines all of existence for me.  I’m barely scratching the surface of this monster thing that is appearing inside.

That’s not even the part I’m struggling with.

The part I’m struggling with is the part I didn’t know I didn’t believe in, until I started to see all of this in the last week or so.

{cliff gripping}

I didn’t believe in “soul mates” or “Twin Flames”.  I thought I did, but now if I am honest with myself, I didn’t.  I didn’t really believe there was that one person out there that was a person’s match.  I didn’t believe that there was possibly that one person that was meant for me.

I think I believed in possibilities.  Like a game of odds and chances . . . probabilities of two people matching up and being compatible.  But someone specifically destined or fated?  Another person who is actually another part of your soul?  No, I didn’t believe in that.

I now wonder how long my soul has had to wander alone, for me to have forgotten that it was ever apart of another?  To have reached a point of believing that it was only ever by itself without a pair or mate.  In order to survive . . . to cope . . . to not give up in despair.

I didn’t let myself believe it was true because it terrifies me.  It’s too much for me to dare hope.  At the soul level, I’ve wandered alone a very . . . very . . . very long time.  I’ve searched and searched and searched.  I’ve hoped and hoped and hoped.  But to actually believe it . . . that was too much for me.  That’s not real life . . . that’s some dream or fantasy.

If I were to believe it before I really found my “other” . . . the knowledge alone that I was separated from my other half and not knowing where he was or even if he was okay, would have been enough to literally kill me on the spot.  That’s how deep this pain runs.  My heart would absolutely give out on me.

So I stopped believing in my soul having another half in order to survive.  I believed myself to be independent and solo, not needing anyone else in order to be complete.

But in the spring/summer of 2012 . . . I reached a point of wholeness within myself.  I let go of my fears of being alone and I opened up inside.  Life began to glow for me.  I felt full of light.  When this happened . . . a man appeared in my life.  I knew who he was.  I knew what it meant.  I knew what was happening.  It wasn’t a guessing game for me.  It wasn’t a maybe.  It was 100%.

Fast forward to November of last year, we broke up.

I have no wish to share the details of how that all came about because that’s between me and him, but suffice to say there was a lot of confusion and hurt on both sides for us each to clean up.

I have never, ever gone through something as intense as this in all of my life.

In the hurt and confusion, I closed down and was more in the dark.  I could no longer remember any of the things I knew about us when we first met.

Since then I’ve been fighting and climbing my way out of the abyss that I had fallen down into.  Striving to reach that place of light and knowing that I had reached in 2012.

I’ve started to hit that place again . . . I call it the “Golden World”.  I flicker in and out.  The part that’s been slowing my progress and tripping me up, is the fact that when I open to that world . . . all of the information I knew about us from a couple of years ago, starts to rush back into me.

Except we’ve broken up . . . we don’t speak to each other . . . we’re not even in contact.  I don’t know if we ever will again.

That’s where things start to slide sideways for me.

Because of my subconscious belief that I had no “other”, the knowing of who he was only went skin deep with me.  I hadn’t let it sink all of the way in . . . down to my deep rooted beliefs.  It was very superficial . . . Gemini-like.  I didn’t fully believe with my whole being that he was my partner.  I hadn’t surrendered to the reality of who he is to me.

Because of the wound.  The deep, deep wound of having been separated from him in the first place.  I was scared to let the relationship be true, to be real . . . because the reality was too much for me to handle.  Again my heart . . . I can feel it in my physical heart.  It sometimes stumbles and pounds weird in my chest from the struggle in me regarding me and my ex.

I’ve never had anything close to this happen in my life with another person before.

But there’s nothing I can do about the relationship.  But I don’t want to die . . . I want to live.  So I tried to let him go.  Let him go his own way and live his own life.  Except, I tried to do it by forgetting him, and all that did was keep me closed.  I wasn’t able to recover or heal from the breakup while I did that.

So instead, I decided to open up to what it was I really feeling inside.  Regardless of circumstances beyond my control . . . regardless of how it may appear to the rest of the world . . . what was it that I was feeling, what was it that I was trying to cover-up or hide in myself?

When everything that is false is burned away . . . what is left?

And without fail . . . when I open back up, when I come back to life . . . so does all of my love for him.  So does my memory of him.  I remember him again.  I know he is my one . . . my penguin.  My mate.  My other half.

But instead of falling apart because of our separation and not knowing if we’ll even ever speak again . . . I surrender fully to the knowing and understanding of who he is to my soul . . . and that brings me solace.  It brings me peace . . . because I know he exists.  He’s out there somewhere.  I know his energy signature.  I feel him with me the same as when he was here in person.

Whenever I start to panic about him being so far away physically . . . or the very real possibility that I’ll never hear or see him again . . . I have to shift to a soul perspective.  From there . . . I can feel him . . . I feel joy in my being . . . I feel a love for life again.  I know that things are okay even if they don’t look like it on the outside.

In that way . . . I’m able to let him go.  I’m able to still openly feel my feelings of love for him instead of hide, repress, or pretend like they aren’t there and in doing so having to hide and repress a large part of who I am.  They are there and they will always be there in a very, very big way for me.

Even though I am very skilled in being able to distinguish very subtle changes, shifts, and differences in even the most intricate energy . . . I am unable to distinguish my own heart energy from him and my love for him.  As far as my soul is concerned . . . he *is* my heart.

I am a free spirit . . . and so is my heart.  My heart is free to be and to do whatever he chooses, I will not stand in his way.

As long as I keep surrendering to spirit and have faith in life and that things are as they are meant to be . . . I can stay in a place of love, joy, and happiness regardless of circumstances.

I’ve found my heart . . . it’s not what I expected . . . but I’m very happy to know of its existence.  I’m very happy to know that I can connect to it whenever I want to energetically . . . and for me, that is oftentimes more real than this physical life (especially while Sun is in Pisces and Jupiter in Cancer).

This is still somewhat of a shock to me . . . it’s taking a lot of time to integrate and accept and let it seep deeper into my understanding of reality.  The more it does, the more love and peace I feel for life overall . . . and the more I am able to surrender and allow life to be as it is.  The more confident I am that I am finding my way.  The more things make sense to me again . . . even if they don’t really make sense in a conventional way.

Okay . . . that’s all of the heart sharing I can handle for now.

Quan Yin

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