Little Girl Giggling

Do you know what felt really good about doing yesterday’s post?

I got to express my feelings.  MY feelings.  My only thought when writing yesterday was, “What do I feel inside my heart?”  I wasn’t thinking about how it might make someone else feel.  I wasn’t thinking about what others might think of me.  I wasn’t trying to curb or hide my feelings so that others didn’t become concerned about my state of mind.  I simply expressed my very own feelings that I get to have and feel and hug.

Mine, mine, mine.

It feels really good to get to have and express feelings without judging them.  Without having to act on them.  Without having to defend or explain them.  Without worrying about someone else trying to take responsibility for them, or fix them, or try and tell me why I should or shouldn’t be feeling them.  {Big sigh of relief.}

They weren’t based on trying to skirt psychological criteria for various mental disorders in an attempt to not look psycho, crazy, or like I’m having a breakdown.  They weren’t based on an agenda or ulterior motives.  They weren’t any kind of attempt to make a point or model anything.  There was no focus on consequences, potential outcomes, or effects of my words.

They were purely and simply the feelings I was feeling in my heart.

Here’s the post btw, if you’re interested:  What Is In My Heart

It was freeing.  Moon in Sagittarius –> A need to feel free to feel what I feel.

Do you know what kind of sucked about yesterday’s post?

The absolute silence surrounding it.

Nobody was going to touch that post with a ten foot pole, fluff you very much.

I swear to god I could almost hear everyone stop breathing at once, and very carefully try to tip toe away without being noticed . . . that’s how bad the silence was.

I don’t even understand it, I never have.  This is quite common for me, btw.  I open and share my heart, and people scatter like cockroaches do when a light gets switched on.  While in the past it has led me to doubt my own feelings or wonder if something is wrong with me . . . anymore I’m very sure about what I feel deep inside me and I know there’s nothing wrong with it.

I can’t help but get the feeling that others are more focused on what I’m expecting in response from them, then they are about what it is they feel themselves.  Almost like people assume or think that I’m looking for comfort, help, love, advice . . . as if I’m something that is broken or in need of fixing.

Except . . . I’m not.  Unless I’m specifically asking for help or advice, that is not my reason for sharing things.  I just need to feel what I’m feeling, and I also have a need to share what those feelings are.  I don’t need help or advice because in the act of feeling and sharing what I do, it clears the situation for me and then I know exactly what I need to do.

What would be AWESOME, although I’m certainly not going to force anyone, would be if others would share what THEY are feeling inside.  I don’t need to know what you think or feel about what I wrote . . . what did it evoke and make YOU feel?  It doesn’t even have to be related.  If, while reading my post, it evoked an emotion or memory of your own and it doesn’t even seem related . . . share that!

When you truly share what you’re feeling without trying to explain it, or feel sorry for it, defend it, etc. . . . it feels magnificent!  It feels like a huge weight is taken off of you.

I don’t WANT people to praise or pay credence to my awesomeness (unless they truly feel it and that’s what they want to do).  What I want is for people to be able to feel and own their very own feelings.  Don’t make it about me or others.  Make it about you.  Relish in your feelings!  Roll around in them like a pig in manure.  Don’t judge them or try to see them as good or bad or try to see the other side or feel you have to justify them.

Just FEEL what you truly feel inside!

Feeling what you feel inside means focusing on just your feelings unattached to what anyone else thinks or feels.

With my Gemini Sun/Jupiter conjunction, I’m very mercurial in nature.  What I feel will change from minute to minute.  It’s where I shine.  With those two things in opposition to my Neptune/Moon conjunction in Sagittarius (a link to my natal chart here if you’re an astrologer and interested:  astrology) my feelings are all over the place.  That is both where I am at home and where I shine.  I must be allowed to feel whatever I’m feeling without it being a huge fluffing deal, or I will suffer greatly in health.

They flow through me.  They come and go.  While they are there . . . I express them . . . when it’s time for them to leave, I let them go.  This is as natural to me as breathing . . . and yet on paper it looks like I’m a mental bi-polar case.  That’s not seeing me for who I am . . . that’s being afraid of who I am and trying to control it or change it.  Just because it makes others uncomfortable (especially Capricorn energy), doesn’t mean it’s bad or wrong or needs to be repressed or changed.  That’s a limited and narrow way of viewing life.

Mercury is the trickster.  Anyone with Gemini or Virgo energy has this kind of nature in them, and I’m sure struggle in a similar way as I do.  Mercury is the understanding that nothing is permanent, and also that nothing should be taken so seriously.  This is in direct conflict with Pluto/Scorpio/8th house, where everything is deadly serious.  Everything is dead still.  What something is for one moment, is that way F O R E V E R !!!!!!!!

Mercury is all . . . “No.”

Gemini is about laughing at ourselves and not taking ourselves so seriously.  It’s about seeing paradoxes and contradictions in all of life.  Libra focuses more on moderation and balance between duality . . . Gemini is able to fly through, around, and between them like a master gymnast and is very comfortable there.  Like kids.  Kids are very Gemini in nature . . . very curious, very in wonder and in awe of the simplest things around them because it’s all new.

Kids say the darndest things . . . because they’re said in innocence.  They aren’t in a dark serious adult mood . . . they’re just saying what they’re actually seeing or observing in the environment around them.  “Why? Why? Why? But how come?” is Gemini.  The only absolute in the world of Gemini is that there are no absolutes.  If you try to pin them to any one thing or say, “but you said this and now you said this”, you will get nowhere with them.  Their response is most likely to be, “but in that moment I was feeling this and in this moment I’m feeling this . . . they are two different situations.”

It’s about being in the moment and being flexible.  It’s a constant state of opening to receive the moment . . . experience that moment (observe, watch, learn all you can about it while it’s there) . . . and then releasing that moment because you need to be open to receive the next moment coming in.  It is entirely possible to live in this way . . . in a conscious way . . . and have everything work out like magic without worrying or forcing things to be a certain way.  But it makes those who aren’t comfortable with this way of living . . . very, very, nervous.  And their nervousness about the Gemini’s way of being . . . makes Gemini feel very nervous about themselves.

So for me, this is all about getting to my true feelings (Sagittarius moon) and sharing with others (Gemini Sun).  If I have any intent, it’s in others sharing their true feelings (or even trying it out for the first time) and also sharing it with others (or trying it out for the first time).  Not about judging or psychoanalyzing (Pluto in Libra . . . conjunct my descendant) or even trying to help others with their feelings.  The point is just to even be aware of our OWN feelings and getting comfortable in sharing them despite other’s judgment and projections and analyzing.

I’ve done those things to others in the past . . . why? Well, because others were always doing it to me when I was younger.  I was just trying to be silly, playful, mimicking Gemini . . . but holy hell were the things I did taken so seriously and taken so completely out of context.  What I did wasn’t seen in innocence, but always as if I were some guilty master mind manipulator.  So I thought everything was much more serious than it really was, and that my feelings weren’t as innocent as I really felt inside . . . and it led to me disconnecting from my true self.

Well I’m reconnecting.  I’m going to feel what I feel and I’m going to share what I feel, even though it goes against everything we’ve been led to believe as a culture and society.  Even if I’m the only one who believes in my innocence and my mental stability.  Even if I’m left alone in my open heart sharing (which does hurt my feelers, btw) because nobody else is brave enough to do the same.

I hate being left alone.  But at least when I’m being true to myself and being who I am in all of my mercurial, open-hearted, silly, paradoxical ways . . . I’m truly happy and joyful in life.  Which is a lot more than I can say for the majority of humanity.

Here’s the way to read my posts whenever you start taking what I’m saying WAY too Life/Death serious . . . pretend there is a little girl hiding in plain sight (such as behind a sheer curtain with her legs poking out) . . . with her hands covering her mouth trying to stifle her giggles because she thinks she’s being way more clever than she is, but is having fun regardless.

That’s all that needs to be understood about me . . . I’m a silly . . . mischievous . . . giggling little girl at heart.

What Scorpio thinks of Gemini's flexible reality.

What Scorpio thinks of Gemini’s flexible reality.

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