Mirror Mirror On The Wall

There is a period in our development as children where we do a lot of pretending as we learn about the world around us.  We do things like play doctor or house.  We pretend to be an elephant or a mouse.  It’s a kind of learning through mimicking.  This playful energy is known as Gemini in the zodiac.

Once while I was standing in line at a Starbucks, a young girl of maybe 4 or 5 had walked right up and stood beside me in line.  She perfectly mimicked me, all of the way down to facial expression.  She did it so full heartedly and without apology.  I looked at her, and just for a split second, I had wondered if she was mocking me.  But then realized she was actually giving me a powerful insight into myself.

As a person with Sun and Jupiter conjunct in Gemini . . . I understood intrinsically what she was doing.  The little angel wasn’t mocking me . . . she was wanting to know what it felt like to be like me.

Now, Gemini is known as a “superficial” sign, meaning it’s not trying to understand the subject with immense depth and complexities, it’s just trying things out to get a feel for it.  So the little girl was obviously not trying to see what it was like to be all of me, but the me that she could easily recognize and see on the outside.

This “mini me” held her version of the serious pose of mine for long enough, that I had to struggle to not bust out laughing at how freaking adorable she was being in all her seriousness.  She was also giving me a miniature reflection of just how serious I held myself.

Then her mother called her back to her, and she immediately let go of the pose and went back into a little girl butterfly with arms and legs fluttering her way back to mom.  It was a truly magical transformation that she made so effortlessly.  It affected me profoundly, moving me to tears.

It was the beginning of a valuable insight regarding me and my interaction with others.  Why people mistake me for being so much more serious than I actually am.

In my house of other, you’ll find Pluto in Libra and Uranus in Scorpio.  These both (because of the Pluto/Scorpio influence) are a couple of tight-lipped, secretive mother-fluffers.  As I was growing up, I wasn’t getting much information from them . . . so I would mimic them.  I would put my body in the way they held their body, make my face the way they made their face, use the tone they used, saying the things they said.  I quickly learned to do it in private, because I wasn’t as fortunate as the girl who had found her way to me in that Starbuck’s line.  My mimicking was not appreciated or tolerated.  I believe it was seen as “sassing”.

In addition, I have that Saturn in Leo in the 5th house.  That is the sign and house of actors.  Saturn there, is an actor that takes his work very seriously.  This mimicking thing was very serious stuff to me.  I needed to throw my whole heart into it.  I took method acting to a whole new level.

However, while I may have looked and acted like the Pluto/Uranus people I mimicked, inside I was just playing.  I *wasn’t* being serious.  I was being mischievous and giggly Gemini.  I was absolutely lost in the sauce every time someone responded to me like I was being over dramatic, or too intense, or too serious, or that I needed to calm down . . . because what I was showing, wasn’t what I was actually experiencing on the inside.  I was very often feeling playful and happy inside.

That’s not to say I wasn’t ever in a rotten mood.  I definitely had full blown Gemini mixed with Aries temper tantrums.

But for the majority of the time, I was not taking myself as seriously as everyone thought I was.  They were too busy being scared of their own reflection.  For myself, I had no fluffing clue what was going on.  I was just trying things on and playing . . . and everyone else was having explosive and intense responses to me for it but nobody would ever explain why.

To better illustrate this part of myself, think of a Shakespearean Actor.  Imagine this grand actor is on the stage . . . in a single spotlight with darkness surrounding him . . . all eyes on him.

He’s standing there, fully committed to his role.  Over-emphasizing his features in order to silently convey to the audience the struggle he is feeling inside.  He is allowing the tension of the moment to build, and the intensity of his current plight to really sink in deep.  No escape from the reality of the situation.  Looking out into the distance far beyond the audience and into another world that only he sees.

The audience itself is dead quiet except for the occasional shifting in their seats.

He begins the much awaited soliloquy from Hamlet.

To BE. {pause for dramatic effect} Or . . . NOT TO BE . . . that is the question . . .

Everyone is enraptured and pulled into that single moment.  Everyone is united in that moment . . . nothing else exists.  All being transported to another place and time with the actor.

Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

The audience continues to listen as a single unit, as if they’re seeing into a human’s private moment . . . one that is not normally shared with another.  They can feel something deeper inside that they normally tune out.

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

And by opposing . . . end them?  To die, to sleep–

And then have some doofus in the audience stand up and say, “OMG, stop being so goddamn dramatic.  Good lord!  You need to relax and stop taking things so seriously.  Maybe your life sucks because you’re standing up on a stage all day when you could be outside enjoying the sunshine.  Sheesh.  Some people just think the whole world revolves around them.  Well guess what buddy? . . . I have problems too you know . . . you’re not the only one you self-centered son-of-a-bitch.  I’m outta here, I don’t have to put up with this nonsense.”

Imagine how confused the actor would be.  Didn’t the audience member *know* that this isn’t real?  That it’s all pretend?  That the actor isn’t the role he plays?  That of course the actor isn’t the one taking it so seriously, he’s just playing the role of someone who does take it all seriously.

Of course, there are also the actors who play a role for so long, that the line begins to blur between themselves and the character they are.  And I have that same problem myself.

When I was younger I could keep it straight.  I knew that wasn’t me.  But people kept responding to my character or role in such a real and convincing way . . . that I started to forget that I *wasn’t* that role.  I just played one on TV.

I guess I should take that as a testament for how good I am at role playing and pretending.

If I could go back in time, I would tell little me that no, you’re not really all of the bad things that everyone tells you that you are.  You’re just fully committed to your way of learning, playing, and pretending.  You’re so good at it, in fact . . . that they can’t tell the difference between your pretending and the real thing . . . so be more forgiving of other’s reaction to you.

And also . . . how about instead . . . you use that same level of commitment to just be the you inside instead?  That way, instead of being the scary reflection of other’s shadows . . . you could instead be the beautiful reflection of other’s light?

Cat Killing Balloon

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