Crouching Bunny Hidden Kitten

I’m eating a yum yum donut right now.  {she says talking with her mouth full and crumbs all down her front}  Am I worried about the calories?  Nope.  Am I worried about what it will do to my weight?  Nope.  All I’m focused on is how good it tastes and how much I’m enjoying it. {contented sigh}  I believe that it’s not what we eat, but what our inner attitude is towards it.

Anyways, while scanning through my wordpress reader to catch the headlines of the blogs I follow, there were a couple that totally lit me up and had me grinning from ear to ear.  Both were short and just plain made me feel good to see.

The first was from the blog The Observer’s Voice, and her post was The Rules For Being Amazing.  It’s basically just a pic with a short list of . . . well . . . rules for being amazing.

The second was from the blog The Daily Goddess, and the post was  Be Strong Enough To Stand Alone.  Just the title was all I needed to see for me to start feeling the happy spread through me.

{Takes a sip of her chai tea latte}

They were both following along the same lines of what I already had going through my head this morning.  As I’ve been gaining back my self confidence out in the world, I’ve had to remind myself what it means to me to have confidence and also to allow my perception to open and expand back outwards.  Both of those posts helped with that.

Also what happens when I’m moving from small limited thinking to large expansive thinking, is that I have to flip a switch from a fearful guarded perspective to a loving let go perspective.  That transition is incredibly awkward for inner me.

It starts with a confrontation between the two.

The fearful guarded perspective part of me is a bit like a female version of Gollum from The Lord of the Rings.  All bent over and huddled in a dark corner, talking quietly to herself about how the people of the world are all tricksy.  Holding her heart in her hand and telling it, her precious, that she will protect it and keep anyone from stealing it.  She growls and spits at anyone who tries to get too close to her, because it’s not her that they want . . . it’s just what she can give them that they are interested in.

So then walks in the loving let go perspective part of me.  This yahoo initially tries to walk into the dark cave with the light intensity of a supernova and freaks the bejeezers out of Gollum-me.  “The lights!  It burnses! It burnses!”  Ugly cry face and slobber flying everywhere.  So loving let go me, slowly backs out of the cave and tries to take it down a few notches in order to calm snot-face-me down.

This is when I have to start operating in super-slowed-down-mode during the negotiations.  I have to breathe deeply, slowly, consciously.  No sudden moves.  I let various ideas and thoughts flow through me while sifting through them to see which ones have a calming effect on me.  The ones that make it through the filter, I slowly hand them over to small scared me like I’m in the middle of a hostage situation.

“It’s cool, it’s cool . . . nobody needs to get hurt.  I have what you’re looking for right here.”

{hands up in surrender, holding an envelope containing the *calming thought*}

“I’ll just gently set this next to you and you can look at it whenever you feel safe enough to do so.”

Needless to say, it’s a delicate process.  I don’t want to invalidate the fear I feel . . . but I also don’t want to live in it anymore.  I have to be patient and listen to whatever it is that the hurt and scared me is needing from moment to moment.  Calming . . . soothing . . . inspiration . . . expanded thought . . . oops, too much . . . calming . . . soothing . . . breathe . . . let go . . . and relax.

Little by little, my inner Gollum starts to have doubts about how she’s been viewing the world.  She lets down her guard a little.  “You mean . . . it doesn’t have to always be this way?”  {slow nod yes from stellar me} “And . . . and maybe I *can* have fun and have friends to play with?”  {another slow nod yes from stellar me}

Every doubt she has about why she’s afraid . . . she’s able to become a little bit more aware of the warmth and light around her . . . and the more she starts to trust in life and in the world again.  Slowly, inch by inch, she starts to make her way to the mouth of the cave . . . feeling braver . . . stronger . . . more sure of herself.

She becomes more willing to let the fear go.  She gathers strength and determination to try again.  She attempts to run a comb through her rat nest hair.  But gives up when the comb gets stuck and just leaves it there.  She finds that it is becoming easier to breathe.  Tears start to pool in her eyes as the feeling of hope begins to return to her.  The idea of it . . . the idea that she doesn’t have to be cold and alone in the dark . . . that there is another way.

And then the things that loving let go me has been talking about, begins to appear to the previously scared and in the dark me.  She starts to see for herself that it’s all true . . . everything the annoying bright ass light has been saying is true.  The warmth . . . the love . . . the acceptance . . . it’s all here.  She looks around at all of the people she thought were trying to steal from her . . . and she sees that they’re really harmless after all.  They aren’t trying to hurt her . . . they just have a scared Gollum inside of them too.

That’s when my perspective begins to shift . . . from one where the world is cold, dark, and cruel . . . to one that is filled with other warm, loving . . . but sometimes also scared, also misunderstood . . . people.  That the world isn’t really filled with enemies lurking around every corner . . . but others that are going through very similar things as me.

I shift from feeling like I must hide in order to protect myself,  to seeing that there’s really nothing to be scared of.  That I *can* be myself . . . it’s okay.  It’s not others that are stopping me from being myself,  it’s just my own inner demons screaming their fear in my ear.  So what if others look at me weird?  So what if others don’t approve?  If I’m truly happy inside because I’m being me, then what does it really matter in the end what others are thinking?

And the peace! . . . oh how to describe the peace I start to experience as the scared me crawls closer to the stellar me.  It makes all of the things I used to fear seem so insignificant . . . so petty.  It’s like who cares!  Fine!  Whatever!  Just . . . let me go and let me feel this peace and surrender . . . this letting go of resisting and fighting against life.

This freedom of not having to know . . . of not having to have all the answers and having it all figured out.  Of not having to control every tiny little aspect of my life in order to make things turn out how they should be . . . because there *is* something bigger than me.  I’m not the end all be all . . . there is something that I can’t see, but it’s there nonetheless . . . and it’s taking care of me.  So I can let go . . . I can let go of trying to control life . . . I can let go of being responsible for everyone else.  Because it’s okay . . . everyone will be okay . . . even if I don’t understand why or how . . . I know it’s going to be okay.

My faith . . . my trust in life and in an existence much bigger than me is restored.

Then I feel myself smile . . . I feel a grounded joy return to me.  I feel a happy.  I feel giggles and tears of love for life and the experiences and adventures always waiting for me just around the corner.

I’m no longer dreading what is next . . . I’m now excited about what is next.  I’m not being forced to survive through life . . . I’m getting the honor of experiencing things that can only be experienced while incarnated in a physical body.  Physical sensations!  Things like the smell of poop!  Do you think you smell things like poop and decay while you are in soul form?  No!!  You ONLY get to experience that while you are living in a body.  So why do we shrink from it?

We have an eternity to live as souls without form . . . but only for brief blips during that eternity do we get to experience things like we do when in physical form.  So why do we spend our whole life trying to get AWAY from our body and life?  Doing so prevents you from truly living.  Doing so means living a dead life . . . a zombie life . . . an anxiety ridden fearful life.  But get IN your body and open up to the experiences that come your way regardless of whether they are labeled “good” or “bad” . . . and then you’ll start to understand what this life thing is really all about.

Bunny Farts


  1. Thanks so much for the mention! That list rocks! Have to mention it was written by Robin Sharma. XoxJanet


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