Mine Is The Soul Of Joy

As I approached a stoplight, I felt the lifeless and gray world I viewed before me fall away.  I felt the inevitability of the droning routines that I go through every morning fade from my world understanding.

{Accompanying soundtrack for post, Transcendence by Lindsey Stirling}

I felt the music that was playing in my car.  Instead of something that was playing outside of me . . . it was now alive and moving through me.

I felt something in me come alive.

I wanted to move . . . I wanted to dance.  So I did.

There were cars pulling up next to me.  I did not stop my dance.

There were people on the crosswalk.  I did not stop my joy.

There wasn’t a self conscious hair on my body.

In my ecstatic and surrendered sitting-in-the-driver’s-seat car dance . . . I felt my reason and purpose for living.

With that simple realization, that was nothing but a feeling with no words . . .

I felt the golden glow in my Heart, spread outward into the world around me.

I felt the warm glow connection to every person in my environment.

I felt in them . . . all of them, in their many varied ways . . . the wish to move and dance as well.

And I felt this “why?” . . . . “why are we so still and serious about everything?  why is it not accepted to feel and express genuine joy and happiness?  why is it considered proper to be still and motionless?” . . . “why?

I felt a response from within me pulse out from my Heart . . . “There is no reason.  There’s absolutely no reason at all, except our belief that we can’t or shouldn’t.”

I continued my unapologetic and heartfelt dance, the joy flowing through me intensifying as I gave into it.

I wanted nothing more in that moment, than to give to everyone the instant ability to be comfortable in being free to express uninhibited joy in their everyday life.

Whether you’re standing on the corner of the street waiting for the light to change . . . or drinking your morning coffee on your commute.  That no matter where you are or what you’re doing . . . it can be full of life and joy.

I wanted to boldly dance my dance with my whole heart in front of everyone, and let the Golden Heart Energy spread out around me, giving life back to all of the soul-weary life travelers in my community.

Something in me yearns with the intensity of a thousand suns, to open up all that I am and share that Life within me freely with one and all.

This passion within me.  This passion and love.  This uninhibited joy.  It doesn’t want to be held under anymore.

Day Two Of Not Giving A Damn . . . No Mercy

Day two of not giving a damn . . . and I feel GREAT!

They should bottle this shit up and market it.

Here’s the soundtrack for today’s post courtesy of Lea Michele, Cannonball:

If you’re in a stick in the mud kind of mood and don’t want to listen to it, the gist of the song is about getting broken down and wondering if you aren’t losing your mind and then a moment comes when you’re just like . . . fuck it.  I’m getting out and going to start living my mother fluffin life.  And then fly gracefully like a cannonball.

O.o  Sounds like my kind of grace.  “I’m a swan!” . . . “No you’re not, you’re a big hunk of round metal.” or whatever cannonballs are made out of.

This staying in my own emotions is so  f r e e i n g!!  So much chatter and clutter and worry in my head has vanished.  It’s just . . . *p o o f* magically gone.

I just want to keep hugging myself saying, “Ohhhhhhhhhhh yooooouuuuuuu!  I LOVE you so much!  You’re so snuggly and warm and adorable like some sort of kitten teddy bear hybrid!”  I feel like I’ve just been reunited with my long lost best friend.

Gemini.  We’re our own best friend.

There’s been speculation that I possibly had a twin in the womb.  I even had a dream which led me to a spontaneous *memory* of having been in the womb and my twin dying and leaving me alone in there and all of the resulting trauma of absorbing said twin.  (Horrifying doesn’t even begin to describe it.)

So who knows?  Maybe I really am my own . . . uh . . . twin.

Anyways, it feels good to be coming back up from the abyss.  That place is the pits!  Am I right? {nodding head, looking around for validation}

On my walk this morning, I actually started to mouth the words to the song I was listening to without realizing it.  Do you know what that means?  I wasn’t feeling self conscious out in public!  That is OUTSTANDING!!!

I’m not thinking about what other people are thinking or wondering about me at all!  I just feel good in myself and it’s starting to just shine outward instead of other’s influences pushing inward into me.

It feels so great to allow myself to get to feel whatever it is I’m feeling without needing a reason.

It’s leading to spontaneous singing like a song bird, and busting into dance moves while standing in line at Starbucks.  And the smiling!  OMG!  Smiling is taking over my face!  My face is like “WHAT IS GOING ON?!  It hurts!”

I just feel happy and excited about whatever I’m doing.  My whole world is beginning to open back up.  The sun is coming back out.  Laughter and light is returning to my life.

Who knew?  Who knew it was as simple as that?  Letting other’s be responsible for their own feelings, and only being responsible for mine.  Obviously this is my own secret sauce mix, and isn’t the answer for everyone (or maybe even anyone) else.  But the simplicity of the switch and the bigness of the effect is blowing my mind.

Okay.  So that’s all for now.  I’m off to continue my being W o W e d by the world!

No mercy bunny


I’m Retiring From Giving A Damn

I’ve had it.  I’m just done.  {With what? Tell us!  Tell us!}

I’m tired of analyzing things to death.  I’m tired of trying to figure out how to be me, but not break any of the fifty-eleven “rules” of what it means to be a considerate and respectful member of the human race, and tying myself into pretzel knots from head to toe.

Am I being offensive? Am I being fair?  Am I being respectful?  Am I being sensitive?

Well how should I know?  I can’t know that for everyone else.  Honestly, it’s a little on the ridiculous side for me to have such expectations of myself.

I’m tired of explaining . . . I’m tired of clarifying . . . I’m tired of trying to guess what’s going on with someone else.

That’s what I’m done with.

So here’s what’s going to happen for me.  I’m going to focus on my own feelings.  I’m going to do what feels good.  I’m not going to do what doesn’t feel good.

If it offends, is insensitive, or hurts someone’s feelings . . . then whoever that is can choose to speak up and say something to me or not.

Otherwise, I’m not going to waste anymore of my time trying to figure out what I may have or have not done to someone else.

To be perfectly honest, I just don’t care anymore.

Do I speak too much, do I not speak enough, why do others go silent, why don’t they say what they’re feeling, is it me, is it them, is it projection, is it projected . . . it’s fucking crazy making is what it is.

So I’m done.

I’m going to do what I do, and how I want to do it.  If others care to join along in the fun, then awesome . . . if not . . . fine.

I love people and I love having them in my life.

But I’m no longer going to bend over backwards to be so understanding of everyone else, and totally neglect my own feelings.  That’s just stupid.

I suppose I was being concerned that if I was just being myself, that nobody would want to be my friend.  And again, that’s just stupid.  And again again, I just don’t care anymore.

I’m done apologizing for myself.  I am who I am and you can either like me for that or . . . you can piss off.


I do what I want

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

There is a period in our development as children where we do a lot of pretending as we learn about the world around us.  We do things like play doctor or house.  We pretend to be an elephant or a mouse.  It’s a kind of learning through mimicking.  This playful energy is known as Gemini in the zodiac.

Once while I was standing in line at a Starbucks, a young girl of maybe 4 or 5 had walked right up and stood beside me in line.  She perfectly mimicked me, all of the way down to facial expression.  She did it so full heartedly and without apology.  I looked at her, and just for a split second, I had wondered if she was mocking me.  But then realized she was actually giving me a powerful insight into myself.

As a person with Sun and Jupiter conjunct in Gemini . . . I understood intrinsically what she was doing.  The little angel wasn’t mocking me . . . she was wanting to know what it felt like to be like me.

Now, Gemini is known as a “superficial” sign, meaning it’s not trying to understand the subject with immense depth and complexities, it’s just trying things out to get a feel for it.  So the little girl was obviously not trying to see what it was like to be all of me, but the me that she could easily recognize and see on the outside.

This “mini me” held her version of the serious pose of mine for long enough, that I had to struggle to not bust out laughing at how freaking adorable she was being in all her seriousness.  She was also giving me a miniature reflection of just how serious I held myself.

Then her mother called her back to her, and she immediately let go of the pose and went back into a little girl butterfly with arms and legs fluttering her way back to mom.  It was a truly magical transformation that she made so effortlessly.  It affected me profoundly, moving me to tears.

It was the beginning of a valuable insight regarding me and my interaction with others.  Why people mistake me for being so much more serious than I actually am.

In my house of other, you’ll find Pluto in Libra and Uranus in Scorpio.  These both (because of the Pluto/Scorpio influence) are a couple of tight-lipped, secretive mother-fluffers.  As I was growing up, I wasn’t getting much information from them . . . so I would mimic them.  I would put my body in the way they held their body, make my face the way they made their face, use the tone they used, saying the things they said.  I quickly learned to do it in private, because I wasn’t as fortunate as the girl who had found her way to me in that Starbuck’s line.  My mimicking was not appreciated or tolerated.  I believe it was seen as “sassing”.

In addition, I have that Saturn in Leo in the 5th house.  That is the sign and house of actors.  Saturn there, is an actor that takes his work very seriously.  This mimicking thing was very serious stuff to me.  I needed to throw my whole heart into it.  I took method acting to a whole new level.

However, while I may have looked and acted like the Pluto/Uranus people I mimicked, inside I was just playing.  I *wasn’t* being serious.  I was being mischievous and giggly Gemini.  I was absolutely lost in the sauce every time someone responded to me like I was being over dramatic, or too intense, or too serious, or that I needed to calm down . . . because what I was showing, wasn’t what I was actually experiencing on the inside.  I was very often feeling playful and happy inside.

That’s not to say I wasn’t ever in a rotten mood.  I definitely had full blown Gemini mixed with Aries temper tantrums.

But for the majority of the time, I was not taking myself as seriously as everyone thought I was.  They were too busy being scared of their own reflection.  For myself, I had no fluffing clue what was going on.  I was just trying things on and playing . . . and everyone else was having explosive and intense responses to me for it but nobody would ever explain why.

To better illustrate this part of myself, think of a Shakespearean Actor.  Imagine this grand actor is on the stage . . . in a single spotlight with darkness surrounding him . . . all eyes on him.

He’s standing there, fully committed to his role.  Over-emphasizing his features in order to silently convey to the audience the struggle he is feeling inside.  He is allowing the tension of the moment to build, and the intensity of his current plight to really sink in deep.  No escape from the reality of the situation.  Looking out into the distance far beyond the audience and into another world that only he sees.

The audience itself is dead quiet except for the occasional shifting in their seats.

He begins the much awaited soliloquy from Hamlet.

To BE. {pause for dramatic effect} Or . . . NOT TO BE . . . that is the question . . .

Everyone is enraptured and pulled into that single moment.  Everyone is united in that moment . . . nothing else exists.  All being transported to another place and time with the actor.

Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

The audience continues to listen as a single unit, as if they’re seeing into a human’s private moment . . . one that is not normally shared with another.  They can feel something deeper inside that they normally tune out.

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

And by opposing . . . end them?  To die, to sleep–

And then have some doofus in the audience stand up and say, “OMG, stop being so goddamn dramatic.  Good lord!  You need to relax and stop taking things so seriously.  Maybe your life sucks because you’re standing up on a stage all day when you could be outside enjoying the sunshine.  Sheesh.  Some people just think the whole world revolves around them.  Well guess what buddy? . . . I have problems too you know . . . you’re not the only one you self-centered son-of-a-bitch.  I’m outta here, I don’t have to put up with this nonsense.”

Imagine how confused the actor would be.  Didn’t the audience member *know* that this isn’t real?  That it’s all pretend?  That the actor isn’t the role he plays?  That of course the actor isn’t the one taking it so seriously, he’s just playing the role of someone who does take it all seriously.

Of course, there are also the actors who play a role for so long, that the line begins to blur between themselves and the character they are.  And I have that same problem myself.

When I was younger I could keep it straight.  I knew that wasn’t me.  But people kept responding to my character or role in such a real and convincing way . . . that I started to forget that I *wasn’t* that role.  I just played one on TV.

I guess I should take that as a testament for how good I am at role playing and pretending.

If I could go back in time, I would tell little me that no, you’re not really all of the bad things that everyone tells you that you are.  You’re just fully committed to your way of learning, playing, and pretending.  You’re so good at it, in fact . . . that they can’t tell the difference between your pretending and the real thing . . . so be more forgiving of other’s reaction to you.

And also . . . how about instead . . . you use that same level of commitment to just be the you inside instead?  That way, instead of being the scary reflection of other’s shadows . . . you could instead be the beautiful reflection of other’s light?

Cat Killing Balloon

Let My Big Heart Run Free

Having such huge intense archetypes hitting personal points on your natal chart is a hoot, let me tell ya.

These are no mere mortal mood swings I’m having.  It’s like the Gods and Goddesses are having recess in my psyche.  It’s so B I G . . . E P I C . . . I N T E N S E . . . and oh so D R A M A T I C.  I feel like this could use a soundtrack.  {goes to look for mood setting music}  Ah, here’s one.  It’s like living in the middle of this all of the time (Audiomachine – Guardians at the Gate):

Actually . . . pretty much anything by Audiomachine is appropriate.

In order to let that big of an energy through . . . you have to do some heavy duty surrendering, letting go, and opening up W I D E.  Meaning, you can’t be thinking small thoughts of yourself.  If you only think tiny little human thoughts, it doesn’t give enough room to let the archetype energy through . . . and it wreaks havoc on the physical body.

However, If you don’t have some sort of discipline around dealing with that intense of an energy . . . then you stop being able to properly function as a human here in the practical day-to-day world.  You could end up in the cuckoo house.

What I’m attempting to do in the middle of my own crazy . . . is surrender to the energy to easily allow it through (which makes it go from chaotic to peaceful within seconds) . . . but to ALSO ground it into this reality.  This requires that I simultaneously open and trust the energy going through me . . . BUT stay consciously aware and consciously direct the flow of the energy.

What I just described . . . the consciously channeling the archetype energy outwards . . . is an esoteric understanding of Aquarius . . . ruler of Uranus.  Uranus is currently on my Ascendant, coming in from the other side of the Veil (Pisces/12th house) into an individual person (Aries/1st house).  So . . . in a way, archetype energy is being birthed through me, the same as a baby’s soul comes through the mom and into the baby, and then she gives birth to the baby into this physical world.  Because this is Aries and Uranus . . . it could be birthing a bunch of new ideas.

I got to thinking about this earlier this morning because I had something start to switch in me.  I was feeling the “Wrathful Mother” coming through yesterday.  She was all grumpy gills at the Black Smoke (Pluto).  But having let that rage come through . . . it started clearing out blockages in my energy.  So then what I started to experience, was a deeper letting go inside of me.  I could feel myself deeper . . . and I started to bump into a reservoir of emotions and feelings.  Ones that were SO GIGANTIC . . . that I couldn’t let them through while I was holding a grudge against Mr. Black Smoke.  I couldn’t let the grudge go, until I let myself feel SUPER ANGRY about it.

When I first gently bumped into this reservoir I *remembered* it.  “Oh yes.  Now I remember this place.”  It’s where I feel and find my Neptune/Moon in my body.  It’s roughly the area of my lower spine . . . that’s a poor way to describe it, because it’s most definitely a place outside of time and space, but the doorway TO my Neptune/Moon is in that region of my body.

It’s where I have access to what I call my Heart.  Not my human heart . . . but my Big Momma Heart.  Neptune/Moon.  Compassionate Mother.

As I poked my big toe into the reservoir, I felt . . . I felt the Dark Smoke Pluto from another perspective.  I felt his . . . aloneness.  I felt his pain and hurt.  And it touched a bigger part of me . . . the Momma part of me.  I felt my bigger Heart s w E L L  HUGE.  I felt an understanding and love for what this being or archetype had gone through himself.  It’s not easy being the Devil.

So I could let it go . . . I could let the anger go that I felt towards that energy, and in doing so it gave me greater access to a deeper love and peace in me.

Then I had a clearer understanding of what I’m doing here.  That this large reservoir is related to my purpose.  That everything up to now has been preparation for me to be able to handle this larger archetype energy through and into this world.  These great.big.momma.feelers.  They are so huge that I can’t let them through while I pretend I’m a small nobody.  I can’t let them through while I’m holding onto anything that isn’t real.  I can’t let them through while I’m being self conscious.

Those things were in place in order to keep those big feelings from destroying me before I was ready . . . but I’m ready now.  So I have to let go of those limited, small thoughts in order to become what I came here to be and do.  I have to completely change my approach and perspective to life.  Let myself love big.  Let myself feel big.  Let my Big Heart run free.

Level Mom

The Great Mother Is On The Rise

While reading a book this weekend, I came across a single sentence that completely blew my mind and I’ll never see things the same again.  It simply stated that “virgin” had originally meant an independent woman.


Excuse.Me?  Could you repeat that?  I must have misheard you, because I KNOW you didn’t just flip some 2,000 year old bullshit upside down on its head in that one sentence.

I didn’t know whether to cry in celebration or be INFURIATED.

I have never had so much discordant information in my head suddenly click into place from something so simple.

Doing a search online, I found in numerous places a quote from a book that further elaborated on that concept called The Great Cosmic Mother: Rediscovering the Religion of the Earth, by Monica Sjoo and Barbara Mor.  Brace yourselves:

“Ancient moon priestesses were called virgins.  ‘Virgin’ meant not married, not belonging to a man – a woman who was ‘one-in-herself.’  The very word derives from a Latin root meaning strength, force, skill; and was later applied to men: virle.  Ishtar, Diana, Astarte, Isis were all called virgin, which did not refer to sexual chastity, but sexual independence.  And all great culture heroes of the past…, mythic or historic, were said to be born of virgin mothers: Marduk, Gilgamesh, Buddha, Osiris, Dionysus, Genghis Khan, Jesus – they were all affirmed as sons of the Great Mother, of the Original One, their worldly power deriving from her.  When the Hebrews used the word, and in the original Aramatic, it meant ‘maiden’ or ‘young woman’, with no connotations to sexual chastity.  But later Christian translators could not conceive of the ‘Virgin Mary’ as a woman of independent sexuality, needless to say; they distorted the meaning into sexually pure, chaste, never touched.  When Joan of Arc, with her witch coven associations, was called La Pucelle-‘the Maiden,’ ‘the Virgin’ – the word retained some of its original pagan sense of a strong and independent woman. The Moon Goddess was worshipped in orgiastic rites, being the divinity of matriarchal women free to take as many lovers as they choose. Women could ‘surrender’ themselves to the Goddess by making love to a stranger in her temple.”

The bold is mine, and I also corrected some punctuation, etc.  I don’t have a copy of the book myself so I can’t confirm whether the mistakes were originally in the book or not, but they were bugging the hell out of me.  So feel free to look up the fricked up version elsewhere on the internet.

When I read this . . . there is an intense response from something deep and ancient within me that feels Absolutely.  Furious.

And when I say furious, I mean FURY.  I mean WRATH of GOD FURY.

Everything that is Me.

Everything that I am.

All of the things that make me who I am inside . . . has been twisted and turned . . . manipulated and repressed through history to become something that is culturally unacceptable . . . and so as a result, I have been shown or told in one form or another since birth, that I should be ashamed of myself.  That who I am is wrong.  That who I am is evil.

And I don’t just mean people shunned me . . . I mean I was told straight to my face, even as a little girl, on many occasions . . . with such hate and venom in their eyes and voice . . . that I.was.pure.evil.

I was called whore.  Bitch.  Heartless.  Selfish.

Those judgments were based on the premise that a “good” woman is chaste, sexless, helpless, fragile, weak, delicate, mute, and completely dependent on the mercy and graciousness of the man in charge of her care.  The root of these ideas were based on the image we are fed regarding Jesus’ mother.  The Virgin Mother.  Virgin having come to mean a subdued, passive woman who is only pure because she didn’t have sex!!

The REAL Mother . . . has been raped and stripped of her TRUE identity.  Of her REAL power.  And the part of women who identify with this lost part of The Mother, have been made to feel shameful and evil.  Have been forced to feel less than they are.  Forced to submit and suffer.

I’ve never seen myself as a feminist.  I still don’t, because this goes FAR beyond feminism for me.  A Great Wrong has been done to the Great Mother.  A.  Very. Very.  Great Wrong.

It might be more forgivable . . . if it hadn’t been methodically and purposely done.

In the blog The Queen of Heaven, there are many great posts in there regarding the different goddess figures . . . but there is a multi-post series regarding Asherah.  The Lost Bride of Yahweh.  Ever wonder why God didn’t have a wife?  Seems kind of fucking weird and suspicious to me that God is a single dad, who expects his children to have functional marriages even though he’s not able to model for them how that’s supposed to look.  Truth be told . . . he did have a wife.

From Asherah, Part I: The lost bride of Yahweh

The archaelogical record suggests that Asherah was the Mother Goddess of Israel, the Wife of God, according to William Dever, who has unearthed many clues to her identity. She was worshiped, apparently throughout the time Israel stood as a nation.  In many homes, images like the one above decorated household shrines.

So . . . where is she, God?  Did your marriage not work out because you’re such a great guy?  Or is there something else going on?  Maybe you’re not really the God you’ve tried to convince everyone that you are.

Perhaps . . . you’ve fooled the whole world?

Just as it was prophesized the Devil would do?

Asherah’s image was lost to us not by chance, but by deliberate action of fundamentalist monotheists.  First Her images were torn down, then Her stories were rewritten, then Her name was forgotten.  In fact, Her name appears 40 times in modern translations of the Bible, but not at all in the first English translation, the King James Bible.  Since no one knew who Asherah was anymore in the 17th century when the King James Version (KJV) was being created, Her name was translated as groves of trees or trees or images in groves, without understanding that those trees and groves of trees represented a mother goddess.

However . . .

When archaeologists unearthed a treasure trove of Canaanite stories and other writings in Ugarit, in modern day Syria, they discovered that the mysterious “Asherah” was not an object, but a Goddess: the mother goddess of the Canaanites. When archaeologists discovered Her in Israel as well, a whole new picture of early Hebrew religion began to emerge.  The argument is straightforward: 1. Asherah was a known Canaanite Goddess, the Mother Goddess and wife of the Father God.

But we’re not done:

In Exodus, we are told that God warned the people to get rid of Asherah’s emblems when they conquered the land of Canaan; in the periods of the books of the Judges and the Kings, we are told that the “good” prophets, kings and reformers continually had to burn and smash the idols of Asherah; finally, in Jeremiah, we are told that worship of Asherah has resulted in the fanatical monotheistic God’s decision to wipe out Israel and Judah (the southern portion of the formerly united kingdom) via the invasion of outside peoples.  The thing is, we are told most of these things by a single author, or group of authors: the Deuteronomist.  This is a character (or possibly group of characters) writing and rewriting portions of the Bible in later days, around the 7th century BC, either just before or during the exile of the Jews to Babylon. According to the Deuteronomist, the priest Hilkiah claims in 2 Kings, chapter 22, to have “discovered” the ancient laws of Moses during temple renovations.  These writings, “The Book of the Law” were mysteriously mislaid leading Israel to get its religion all wrong, apparently.

The works of the Deuteronomist conveyed a story that the Israelites had a covenant with Yahweh to worship him and only him. He claimed the Israelites had taken Canaan by force through a holy war in which they massacred the original inhabitants, putting to death (by God’s command) men, women and children in Jericho.  (This claim is not supported by the archaelogical record.) And he claimed that God was a jealous God, one who demanded to be worshiped alone and who would punish the unfaithful by bringing other nations to conquer them if they worshiped others.

Was this really the religion of Israel? Apparently not.  The common folk kept right on putting up their Asherahs in the woods and the temple and the little votive Asherahs in their home shrines.  Only after Israel was conquered and the people of Judah returned from exile in Babylon did the fundamentalist fanatics with their violent, patriarchal, monotheistic God win the argument. The Deuteronomist’s work, along with the works of two other primary authors, the Yahwist and the Elohist, were compiled by a fourth source, called the Priestly source, to become the Bible we have today.

Well . . . well . . . well.  WTF do we have going on here?

Because I can’t trust the information that was allowed to be passed onto us, because history is always written by the victor . . . I am only able to trust what I feel inside.  And based on the Absolute Fury I feel when I read all of this, I’m going to trust that feeling and say that there is truth to all of this.

The suppression of the Divine Feminine was done deliberately.  It was done by force.

Ever wonder why all the unrest in the Middle East and why everyone keeps getting involved?  Every wonder why there have been holy wars going on for millennia?  Ever wonder why there has been such suppression in knowledge and information?  Burning of libraries in ancient times?  Why so much goddamn effort has been put into mystery schools and secret societies to try and pass on some sort of information through the generations?

Well . . . even if not . . . I will tell you why . . . it’s all related.

There HAS been spiritual warfare being waged over the centuries.  They throw up distractions and illusions to confuse the average person.  They separate the issues so that you can’t see that everything . . . every goddamn thing that is happening and has happened in our world . . . stems from the suppression of information of what is REALLY GOING ON.

Do you want to know WHY the emphasis on facts and “proving” shit?  Because it keeps you busy and distracted.  Because it causes you to doubt your own feelings and it causes you to become passive.  It has us believing that if we can’t prove it, then we can’t act.  It leaves us helpless and like victims.  Because they have kept a tight hold on the real information, and have destroyed everything that might give away what is really going on.

Do you want to know WHY mainstream belief is to discount the unseen and the paranormal?  Because that’s the one thing they can’t control, and because the answers we’re seeking are located in those things.  As long as they discount things like energetics, afterlife, psychic phenomenon, etc. they don’t have to worry about us finding out the truth.  That’s why feelings and people being emotional is looked down on.  In the most recent release of psychological disorders . . . emotions are basically considered a mental disorder.

Everything that is dismissed and looked down upon . . . are things connected to the Divine Feminine who was methodically removed from history . . . because you cannot actually kill an Immortal . . . but if you can make everyone forget them . . . they are as good as dead.

Our imbalance on Earth is the result of a deliberate attempt to remove the part of the Divine Feminine from our memories and culture that would cause the current Order to lose their power and hold over us.

Let me make this even more clear.  The current upheaval we’re seeing in our lives is not due to an angry God punishing his sinful children.  It is a Wrathful Mother coming loose from her prison to take out the offending God.  The same one who is trying to make the children believe that they are suffering because of THEIR sins.  No. No.  Hell Fucking NO.  What is going on . . . is because of the SINS of that GOD.

What kind of Mother Fucker tries to make the children own the blame for something he did?  Huh?  What kind of fucked up and twisted mind does that?!?!

The kind that has been in control of the planet.  The warfare has been ongoing at the astral, energetic, and spiritual levels.  It filters through into the physical.  It’s been operating behind the scenes.  That’s why they try to convince you that none of that spiritual shit is real.  That none of the energetic stuff is real.  That this physical world is all that’s real and can be explained with cold hard facts and numbers.  Because that traps you here.  It keeps you from being able to make contact with the other side.  The Real World is there . . . not here.

The God who did all of this, and who has been in control . . . has been recently fighting a losing battle.  Everything he’s built based on lies and deception is in the middle of full collapse.  The Mother is back on the Rise to her rightful place and the doors back home are in the process of being re-opened.

I know how this may sound to some.  I know how hard it may be to swallow or accept.  Process it however you need to.  Accept it or reject it, it does not matter to me.  Only trust your Heart and your feelings.

And there’s no need to be afraid anymore.  The Mother is returning and she will take care of you.  These evils that have been playing out are not yours . . . but the black smoke/fog that has been working invisibly behind the scene.  It’s now a time of learning to forgive ourselves for anything we did, and forgiving others for anything they’ve done . . . to let it all go.  Let it go and disappear into the past.

Do what the Dark Smoke tried to do to The Mother . . . and forget it ever existed.  In an instant . . . he will lose all his power.

Mother of God

Crouching Bunny Hidden Kitten

I’m eating a yum yum donut right now.  {she says talking with her mouth full and crumbs all down her front}  Am I worried about the calories?  Nope.  Am I worried about what it will do to my weight?  Nope.  All I’m focused on is how good it tastes and how much I’m enjoying it. {contented sigh}  I believe that it’s not what we eat, but what our inner attitude is towards it.

Anyways, while scanning through my wordpress reader to catch the headlines of the blogs I follow, there were a couple that totally lit me up and had me grinning from ear to ear.  Both were short and just plain made me feel good to see.

The first was from the blog The Observer’s Voice, and her post was The Rules For Being Amazing.  It’s basically just a pic with a short list of . . . well . . . rules for being amazing.

The second was from the blog The Daily Goddess, and the post was  Be Strong Enough To Stand Alone.  Just the title was all I needed to see for me to start feeling the happy spread through me.

{Takes a sip of her chai tea latte}

They were both following along the same lines of what I already had going through my head this morning.  As I’ve been gaining back my self confidence out in the world, I’ve had to remind myself what it means to me to have confidence and also to allow my perception to open and expand back outwards.  Both of those posts helped with that.

Also what happens when I’m moving from small limited thinking to large expansive thinking, is that I have to flip a switch from a fearful guarded perspective to a loving let go perspective.  That transition is incredibly awkward for inner me.

It starts with a confrontation between the two.

The fearful guarded perspective part of me is a bit like a female version of Gollum from The Lord of the Rings.  All bent over and huddled in a dark corner, talking quietly to herself about how the people of the world are all tricksy.  Holding her heart in her hand and telling it, her precious, that she will protect it and keep anyone from stealing it.  She growls and spits at anyone who tries to get too close to her, because it’s not her that they want . . . it’s just what she can give them that they are interested in.

So then walks in the loving let go perspective part of me.  This yahoo initially tries to walk into the dark cave with the light intensity of a supernova and freaks the bejeezers out of Gollum-me.  “The lights!  It burnses! It burnses!”  Ugly cry face and slobber flying everywhere.  So loving let go me, slowly backs out of the cave and tries to take it down a few notches in order to calm snot-face-me down.

This is when I have to start operating in super-slowed-down-mode during the negotiations.  I have to breathe deeply, slowly, consciously.  No sudden moves.  I let various ideas and thoughts flow through me while sifting through them to see which ones have a calming effect on me.  The ones that make it through the filter, I slowly hand them over to small scared me like I’m in the middle of a hostage situation.

“It’s cool, it’s cool . . . nobody needs to get hurt.  I have what you’re looking for right here.”

{hands up in surrender, holding an envelope containing the *calming thought*}

“I’ll just gently set this next to you and you can look at it whenever you feel safe enough to do so.”

Needless to say, it’s a delicate process.  I don’t want to invalidate the fear I feel . . . but I also don’t want to live in it anymore.  I have to be patient and listen to whatever it is that the hurt and scared me is needing from moment to moment.  Calming . . . soothing . . . inspiration . . . expanded thought . . . oops, too much . . . calming . . . soothing . . . breathe . . . let go . . . and relax.

Little by little, my inner Gollum starts to have doubts about how she’s been viewing the world.  She lets down her guard a little.  “You mean . . . it doesn’t have to always be this way?”  {slow nod yes from stellar me} “And . . . and maybe I *can* have fun and have friends to play with?”  {another slow nod yes from stellar me}

Every doubt she has about why she’s afraid . . . she’s able to become a little bit more aware of the warmth and light around her . . . and the more she starts to trust in life and in the world again.  Slowly, inch by inch, she starts to make her way to the mouth of the cave . . . feeling braver . . . stronger . . . more sure of herself.

She becomes more willing to let the fear go.  She gathers strength and determination to try again.  She attempts to run a comb through her rat nest hair.  But gives up when the comb gets stuck and just leaves it there.  She finds that it is becoming easier to breathe.  Tears start to pool in her eyes as the feeling of hope begins to return to her.  The idea of it . . . the idea that she doesn’t have to be cold and alone in the dark . . . that there is another way.

And then the things that loving let go me has been talking about, begins to appear to the previously scared and in the dark me.  She starts to see for herself that it’s all true . . . everything the annoying bright ass light has been saying is true.  The warmth . . . the love . . . the acceptance . . . it’s all here.  She looks around at all of the people she thought were trying to steal from her . . . and she sees that they’re really harmless after all.  They aren’t trying to hurt her . . . they just have a scared Gollum inside of them too.

That’s when my perspective begins to shift . . . from one where the world is cold, dark, and cruel . . . to one that is filled with other warm, loving . . . but sometimes also scared, also misunderstood . . . people.  That the world isn’t really filled with enemies lurking around every corner . . . but others that are going through very similar things as me.

I shift from feeling like I must hide in order to protect myself,  to seeing that there’s really nothing to be scared of.  That I *can* be myself . . . it’s okay.  It’s not others that are stopping me from being myself,  it’s just my own inner demons screaming their fear in my ear.  So what if others look at me weird?  So what if others don’t approve?  If I’m truly happy inside because I’m being me, then what does it really matter in the end what others are thinking?

And the peace! . . . oh how to describe the peace I start to experience as the scared me crawls closer to the stellar me.  It makes all of the things I used to fear seem so insignificant . . . so petty.  It’s like who cares!  Fine!  Whatever!  Just . . . let me go and let me feel this peace and surrender . . . this letting go of resisting and fighting against life.

This freedom of not having to know . . . of not having to have all the answers and having it all figured out.  Of not having to control every tiny little aspect of my life in order to make things turn out how they should be . . . because there *is* something bigger than me.  I’m not the end all be all . . . there is something that I can’t see, but it’s there nonetheless . . . and it’s taking care of me.  So I can let go . . . I can let go of trying to control life . . . I can let go of being responsible for everyone else.  Because it’s okay . . . everyone will be okay . . . even if I don’t understand why or how . . . I know it’s going to be okay.

My faith . . . my trust in life and in an existence much bigger than me is restored.

Then I feel myself smile . . . I feel a grounded joy return to me.  I feel a happy.  I feel giggles and tears of love for life and the experiences and adventures always waiting for me just around the corner.

I’m no longer dreading what is next . . . I’m now excited about what is next.  I’m not being forced to survive through life . . . I’m getting the honor of experiencing things that can only be experienced while incarnated in a physical body.  Physical sensations!  Things like the smell of poop!  Do you think you smell things like poop and decay while you are in soul form?  No!!  You ONLY get to experience that while you are living in a body.  So why do we shrink from it?

We have an eternity to live as souls without form . . . but only for brief blips during that eternity do we get to experience things like we do when in physical form.  So why do we spend our whole life trying to get AWAY from our body and life?  Doing so prevents you from truly living.  Doing so means living a dead life . . . a zombie life . . . an anxiety ridden fearful life.  But get IN your body and open up to the experiences that come your way regardless of whether they are labeled “good” or “bad” . . . and then you’ll start to understand what this life thing is really all about.

Bunny Farts

“I’m Not Featured On Freshly Pressed” Award


I have been nominated for the “I’m Not Featured On Freshly Pressed” award by Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed (yay!).

I’m still brand spanking new to the whole blog awards thing, so it still takes me a little bit of time to calm myself down and get back to normal breathing.  Having said that, I really don’t think that it’s something that I’m ever going to get used to because of how much it means to me.

Everyone has their reasons for blogging.  Some want to help educate others, some are a form of self-therapy, some to be a resource, some to promote a business, some are about their hobby, etc.  Each reason is just as valid as another.

I have various reasons that I blog.  I have a deep need to share the things I learn with others.  But the blog itself, is the culmination of many years of hard work in overcoming my fears of self expression and being noticed.  And when I say fears, I mean TERROR.

Once upon a time, when I would attempt to creatively express my thoughts, I would just go mute.  My throat constricted and I wasn’t able to even attempt to speak.  It didn’t matter if I was trying to verbally speak, or even trying to write in a journal while I was alone . . . the ability to communicate my personal feelings or thoughts was just not possible.  I would instead just talk about things that were trivial, or I would focus on the other person in the hopes that the conversation didn’t turn to me.  If it did, I would either go into the deer in headlights look O.O . . . or talk around it until the person was distracted away from me.

I spent the first 3 decades of my life mastering the art of invisibility.  “Please don’t see me.”  If attention in any form were to be directed at me, my mind would go blank and my face would turn scarlet red.  Meetings at work were the worst.  During the most intense of those moments, I mostly focused on trying not to puke or faint in front of everyone.  Later, once I was alone, tears were sure to follow.

The journey to here, to where I now blab my ever loving head off to anyone who happens to find their way into my little spot on the internet, has been years and years of persistent pushing and healing of myself.  And the blog awards are a double-edged sword to me.  So would I *like* to be on WordPress’ Freshly Pressed?  On the one hand, it would be a hallmark in my journey of self healing.  Saying to me, “Look me!  Look how far we’ve come!”  (<– I used to be concerned that I sometimes refer to myself in the plural.  But I figure, hey . . . at least I’m not alone.)  On the other hand, that level of attention (assuming it brought the level I’ve seen on other blogs) would probably require that I breathe into a brown paper bag for at least a week to keep from moving into full blown panic.

But I think that would actually ultimately be beneficial in my journey.  And so yes.  Yes, I would like to be Freshly Pressed.  And I’m not ashamed to admit it.  (<– that’s a total lie.)

So thank you so much, Kim Saeed, for this nomination and for inadvertently being a part of my journey of self healing.  The nomination both scares the poop out of me, as well as makes me cry . . . and motivating me to keep pushing forward.  I appreciate you thinking of my blog when you were choosing people to nominate.  That makes me feel pretty special to be *seen* by you.  😀

As for my nominations, here they are:

Rules for Nominees:

1. Select the blog(s) you think deserve the “The I’m NOT Featured On Freshly Pressed Award”.

2. Write a blog post and tell us the blog(s) you have chosen- there are no minimum or maximum number of blogs required- and ‘present’ the blog(s) with their award.

3. Include in your blog post a paragraph about why you’d like to be on WordPress’ Freshly Pressed OR a paragraph on why you couldn’t care less about Freshly Pressed. Up to you

4. Let the blog(s) that you have chosen know that you have given them this award and share the instructions with them- (please don’t alter the instructions or the badge!)

5. Come over and say hello to the originator of the “The I’m NOT Featured On Freshly Pressed Award” via this link:http://DonCharisma.org/2014/01/01/the-im-not-featured-on-freshly-pressed-award

6. And as a winner of the award- please add a link back to the blog that presented you with this award, and then PROUDLY display the award on your blog.

7. If you ever do get officially “Freshly Pressed” then take down this award badge and display the official “Freshly Pressed” badge instead.

The Rising Has Begun

I’ve had to take a little bit of time to think.

I’ve found myself wandering into new scenery and I’m having to move a little slower than usual to take in all the new sights and understand what is going on.

I feel very much how I’d imagine Alice in Wonderland felt when she found herself in a strange new land, including the mindless need to repeatedly say, “Curiouser and curiouser”.

Whenever we move into new phases in our lives, there is a transition period where you’re having to adjust from how you used to see yourself to how you are now starting to see yourself.  For example, when you move out of adolescence and into adulthood.

I am going through one of those shifts right now . . . except I didn’t know I’d experience a shift of this nature at my age.  I thought that once you made it solidly into adulthood . . . that you didn’t experience another shift of this nature until you were more towards the retiring years.  So . . . I guess previously I had thought (subconsciously), “This is it for me.  I never quite bloomed, but I didn’t quite fail miserably either.”

But then I start to wonder to myself . . . whether I had never fully matured in the first place.  I know they talk about someone being a late bloomer . . . but what does that even mean?  (<– has no idea.)  And because I’ve been known to take things to the extreme, I wouldn’t put it past me to take being a “late bloomer” to a whole new level.

When I really think about the whole concept . . . and the more I take stock on the whole of my life so far . . . the more it starts to dawn on me that no, I never really did bloom.  I never really did come out of my shell, or come into my own, or however you want to say it.

Things are beginning to feel different to me.  People are responding differently to me.  I’m responding differently . . . but it still somehow feels natural to me.  It all feels like a natural unfolding or product of the flow of life.  I have these moments where I start to see or more fully understand what is going on with me, and I start to tear up.  “It’s happening.”

Those moments come with realizations that everything up until now has been preparation in building a solid foundation within myself.  I have been learning, watching, observing, taking notes, contemplating, philosophizing, experimenting.  I have been taking my slow methodical turtle-like way through life.

Also in those moments, I become aware that I’ve been one of many people standing in a large crowd.  A large crowd of people who have been looking all around . . . high and low . . . far and near . . . to see who is in charge.  I’ve been one of the ones who have been waiting for a leader to appear.  Waiting for someone to step up.

And then suddenly becoming aware that slowly over time, more and more eyes had started to turn my way . . . and it dawning on me that the reason I can’t find the leader I’m looking for . . . is because I am her.  I am the leader that I’ve been looking for.

That’s what those moments feel like to me.

They make me start to cry because in those momentary flashes, I see myself in a way I’ve never seen before.  I become overwhelmed with emotion, because I really didn’t know . . . I really didn’t see my value up until this point.  So these flashes are a shock to my whole world perception.

{flash} “I matter?” {flash}

{flash} “I have something of value to offer others?” {flash}

I feel in an (almost) effortless manner, the person . . . the woman that I have always known myself to be inside, is starting to show herself on the outside.  It very much feels like a Disney moment where a wand is swished and a transformation takes place.  Except it’s in much slower motion.  So . . . maybe a time lapse of a couple of months speeded up would be more accurate.

But not any less magical.

I’m finding that the peacefulness that comes over me in those moments, is because I finally feel validated by life in general.  I feel a renewal in faith . . . in knowing that there truly was a reason that I went through everything I did.  I feel very humbled and satisfied inside . . . I no longer feel any need to try and prove anything . . . not even to myself.  I feel like I can let go of trying to force a purpose to my life just to make it tolerable.

I know that no matter what . . . I am okay.  That everything is going to be okay.  That everything *is* okay.

I feel complete confidence that I have been thoroughly prepared for whatever life has in store for me next.

I know I was made for *this* . . . whatever *this* is . . . because I don’t know yet what any of it means.  I am only starting to sense that the something I’ve been preparing for . . . for many, many lifetimes . . . is now beginning to come into physicality.  I feel it swelling in me while I shift and transform into something new.

I am surprised by what’s happening . . . while simultaneously remembering that I had been planning this all along at some other, long-forgotten level in my being.

I feel something wonderful . . . loving . . . powerful . . . rising in me.

Something new to this life . . . but ancient to time.

And I do not feel that I am alone in this.

Something at a deep level in humanity is happening right now.

Something has begun.

Something that we have been waiting for.

No one will be left unaffected.

In the end, we will all be transformed.

Even though it may still be too subtle for you to feel . . . even though it may still be too quiet for you to hear . . . even though it may still be too translucent for you to see . . . that *something* you have been waiting for . . . has begun.

Why Bear