I Am Tired Of The Fight In Me

While driving home from my daily Starbucks run to get my grande chai tea latte, I had a soul-weary breaking moment.

Everything I’ve been facing these last weeks had finally gone past my limit.  Not my daily limit . . . not my monthly limit . . . not my annual limit . . . but my absolute limit.

The anxiety I feel every time I put something out there.  The endless questions and doubts it raises in my head.

The fear and the ‘what ifs’ from all of this had finally reached a breaking point.

Something in me gave up.  And then something else opened and said to me, “I’m tired of the fight.”

I felt the thing giving up in me, continue to lose ground.

The something new that was opening up was encouraged by this and said, “I’m tired of hiding.”

I felt the giving up thing crack all around me . . . I felt huge chunks of it fall away.

I took a big satisfying breath.

I felt my feelings surface as my body relaxed and let go.

Something new then said, “Others are going to think whatever it is they are inclined to think when they read or hear your words.”

More letting go . . . more surrendering . . . tears of relief filling my eyes.

” . . . If you’re going to be judged and misunderstood regardless . . . then why not let yourself just be who you are inside? ”

“. . . at least that way, you’ll know with complete confidence that you have nothing to be sorry for . . . ”

“. . . and whoever it is that you are . . . whether it be evil . . . whether it be good . . . what does it matter?  How can you expect yourself to be anything other than who you are?”

I expend so much energy trying to hide so many parts of myself from others.  All of the things that have tried to come out, and then were yelled at or told they were bad by others.  All of the things misunderstood . . . tighten themselves small and they huddle inside my core seeking protection.

Afraid to be seen . . . afraid to be judged . . . afraid to come out and find out that they are evil . . . hated . . . unloved.

I’m tired of the fight . . . the fight to keep those things hidden when I’m around others.

I’m tired of hiding these parts of me.

For me, they are my emotions.  They show my sensitivity.  They show how much I care.  They show how much others affect me.  And I am ashamed of them.

I’m ashamed of how easily I cry.  I’m ashamed of how much and how often simple things move me.

I don’t like how others respond to me when they see my tears . . . I want to say, “My tears don’t mean I’m weak.  My sensitivity doesn’t mean I’m fragile or that I need to be handled with kid gloves.”

If I’m crying . . . then I’m okay . . . I am in my power.  My strength and my power comes from my deep emotions.  My tears are my strength.

When I hide my tears . . . when I use all of the muscles in my body to stop them from showing . . . when I use even more muscles to keep from looking like I’m trying to not cry . . . then I’m not okay.  Then I am being weak.  Then I am closed.  Then I am not in my power.  I am hiding.  I am fighting myself to not be seen.

I keep waiting for a day when it’s okay to be me.  Waiting for others to be more accepting and understanding of each other.  While I wait for this fictitious day to arrive, I corral my sensitivity and feelings into the dark shadows and lock them behind a gate when I’m around others so they don’t accidentally pop out unexpectedly.  I seem to think this will up my chances of being accepted by others.

I’m sure others do the same.  All of us walking around with the parts of us that we hide in the shadows whispering, “Please accept me . . . please accept me . . . ”

My breaking point is being breached . . . and I can’t do it anymore.  I can’t hide any of myself in the shadows anymore.  I just can’t.

I’d rather die.

When I hide aspects of me, it already is a sort of death.  A slow suffocation.

But I also feel like I will die if someone sees me in my raw emotions.  It would almost be easier for me to go into the middle of downtown and strip down naked.

When I write that I am crying . . . I am literally crying.  There are actual tears happening.  But to most who know me in real life, my crying is like some myth.  Sure, you read stories about it . . . but you don’t actually ever see it for real.

For me to be healthy, I must feel whatever I’m feeling in the moment I’m feeling it.  I hate meetings or anything that forces me to be around a bunch of people, because then I feel forced to restrain my emotions until I can get away to a quiet place alone and feel all of the emotions I repressed.  If I’m able to.  Usually once I’ve halted my feelings, it’s hard to call it back to express it.  Which is why it is so important for me to feel it in the moment, so that it may leave me immediately.

If I were to learn how to be comfortable expressing my emotions no matter who I was with or how many people were around me . . . I would always wish to be in other’s company.  I would no longer need to hide away.

I am so reserved around others because I’m using all of my resources to keep my emotions from showing.  It’s exhausting for me to hold things in for too long.  However, too many times when I’ve let my feelings show . . . I’ve felt humiliated by the person or outright rejected.

I don’t think others doubt how strong I am.  But I feel many would be surprised by how much I feel . . . how much I care . . . how much I love . . . how much the world I see around me moves me.

When I go for walks alone . . . I may just see a butterfly in the middle of a field of grass . . . or two of them . . . and see them start dancing with each other . . . and I feel something so profound move through me, that tears will just start pouring down my face . . . and then it’s gone, but I’m left with such gratitude, satisfaction, and happiness for life.

All my Aries in the 1st house, my emotions are raw . . . I feel and emote with no filters.  They burst out of me in all of their rawness taking myself and others by surprise.  Not so much my anger . . . it’s my tears and my laughter.  I don’t know when it’s going to happen . . . I don’t know in advance what is going to move me . . . so I hold myself tight and rigid at all times I’m in public so that one doesn’t escape me and embarrass me.

The older I get, the harder it becomes to stop holding myself tight even when I’m alone.  I can’t be one way  at home and another way in the world.  I need to always be how I am at all times.  I’m always changing from moment to moment . . . while I stay constant in being myself.

It’s not something I will ever overcome . . . I either am expressing and living it . . . or I am suppressing and repressing it.  There is no overcoming it.  There is no transcending it.  Why would I want to?  It’s pure expression from my soul.

Why am I so ashamed of it?  I don’t know.  I don’t think it matters anymore.  I just need to start being it again.  No more analyzing it.  No more rationalizing it.  No more avoiding it.  Just start living it.

God I’m so scared of this.

Calling on my inner mommy tiger to help me.

Calling on my inner mommy tiger to help me.

Comments

  1. “I’m ashamed of how easily I cry. I’m ashamed of how much and how often simple things move me.”

    Don’t be ashamed. I think people who cry when they are moved are…beautiful. All the things you described mean you are connected with the Universe in a way other people only dream of…if they are even aware enough to dream it.

    Most sheeple live lives of conformity and hate their very existence.

    Although I still have a lot of growing to do by all accounts…I have had those moments. Sometimes I feel so connected, so ONE with everything, that I just shudder with the immenseness of it all. I have moments of sheer euphoria…of being in alignment with all that is.

    Alternately, I feel sorrow and anguish and sadness just as powerfully.

    I suspect you my be “Highly Sensitive”, like me. Sometimes I read about animal cruelty or child abuse or a random act of hatred, and it takes days to recover.

    Other times, I am so happy, I piss people off 🙂

    But, I am no longer ashamed. I like this part of me. People who want to judge can go play in traffic, along with all their false friends…because although they may look put together on the outside, they probably hate what they stand for and wish to be more like us.

    Like

    • LOL @ “People who want to judge can go play in traffic, along with all their false friends”. 😀

      By day, I work as a digital/web analyst. I’m a consultant for a major online portal. It involves enormous amounts of data, analyzing it, reporting it, making business decisions based on it. As is often the case in business and in analytics . . . there is no CRYING in business analytics! (<— being dramatic)

      Meaning . . . it's not an environment traditionally associated with ease of emotions. So I'll be sitting at my desk, doing my work . . . click on a headline or something on the main homepage for some reporting I'm doing . . . catch some of the story (either sappy feel good emotion, or horrific incident) and next thing I know, I've got a huge pile of used tissue on my desk and my whole face is red and splotchy from crying.

      If anyone walks past my desk during that time, I'm utterly embarrassed. I turn away to stare at the wall so they can't see my face. Or, if my face is still not blotchy, I'll just suddenly make my face go blank so they don't know I'm being emotional. I don't want awkwardness from them, or avoidance, or worst of all "OMG, what's wrong! Are you okay?!?!?!" and making a big deal out of it. At that point, I just want the ground to open up and swallow me whole.

      Nothing is wrong with me, this is just how I am!!! (What I want to scream.) I start feeling like a freak. "Hey, who's the weird girl who sits in the corner and alternates between bawling and laughing hysterically by herself all day?" I realize I'm assuming people are even aware that I'm there.

      I actually love the work I do . . . it's just that my emotional side is outside the paradigm of current business practices. I know both my client and the other consultants I work with, would most likely be accepting/understanding of my emotional side even if weirded out by it initially. It's the actual changing of my way of being in my day to day life . . . and the fresh levels of awkward that would introduce into it.

      I've been there for years . . . I've kind of already set a precedence for keeping my emotions tightly to myself. It's that initial, "I'm crying . . . oh my god someone's coming . . . don't turn away, don't hide . . . just let them see that you're crying . . . " that I'd have to get past. That part is scaring the bejeezers out of me. Breaking my own habit of hiding it. Oh! and also knowing that I'll be able to handle whatever reaction I get from others when I do just let it out (which is tricky since obviously I'm already in a vulnerable state).

      I want to be taken seriously in my job . . . so it's going to take some extra strength on my end to pierce through that business paradigm and let my emotions be a healthy part of my work environment, while deflecting potential projections from others of what it means when someone is "sensitive" in the business environment (without being defensive). I don't have a role model for what a powerful, healthy, emotional, sensitive leader in business looks like. (healthy is keyword here.)

      I know I know how . . . right now I'm mostly trying to stop being a quivering rabbit in the corner peeing herself.

      The part you said about being connected with the universe in a way that others only dream of . . . Thank you for that perspective. I didn't see it as something beautiful about me. The way you expressed it . . . made me see it for a moment from your perspective and I could see how it *was* beautiful. I could see how if I saw that same thing in another person, that I would also view it as beautiful. It didn't occur to me to view it from that place.

      You said you were no longer ashamed . . . do you remember how you overcame that feeling regarding how others judged/responded to your sensitivity?

      Like

      • Well, it’s been a work in progress over the last couple of years. I used to be very sensitive to others’ opinions about me and “stuff” in general. Now, I really don’t give a hoot.

        I believe most people never really live their true selves for fear of rejection. I think that’s sad, especially for people who are highly sensitive because we’re always encouraged to “tough it up” and “stop being a sissy”.

        If being emotional makes me a sissy, then so be it. I would rather experience the depth of my emotions than live in numb conformity like most people do. Most people never really connect with themselves because they are so friggin’ afraid of what someone else might think. Screw that.

        I might seem a freak to the mainstream, but there are a rare few who would see me as a jewel. I seek those few.

        This has transpired over the last six months or so as I’ve realized I keep repeating the same patterns in order to make myself mold into someone else’s view of how I should be.

        I mean, who the fuck are they to say?

        I seek the crazies, the introverts, the weirdos who cast off society’s fake norms. I love it when people decide to just be themselves in the face of rejection. Those are the people who are REAL and who can teach me the things I need to learn about myself…

        Not saying you’re any of those things…I’m just using society’s labels.

        If people are uncomfortable because you are feeling someone else’s pain and they get all freaked out about it…they are cowards IMO. Seriously.

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  2. As an aside…I think you are awesome 🙂

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  3. This is very beautiful, and wonderfully expressed!

    To share your vulnerability as you have is a sign of great strength.

    I’ve had similar experiences of giving up a fight because I just couldn’t do it anymore – this post reminded my forgetful self of a couple of posts I wrote a while ago when I was first letting my self-expression’s hair down, the not crying thing and the giving up fighting thing – and then the release and self-awareness which comes with it as though life was waiting for you to give up and realise that this was not a fight you needed to fight at all, or at least not anymore, you’ve done your time, you’re free now… and now what?

    Have you ever read Erich Fromm? I’m not sure what you like to read, but he explored the concept of freedom in some very insightful ways. My fav book of his is – To Have or To Be.

    It’s changing, it’s frightening, it’s thrilling, it’s too much all at once, it’s Uranus (which is aspecting your Saturn too)… screaming isn’t optional, what is optional is whether you do it out loud or silently.

    Like

    • Thanks, anupturnedsoul.

      The screaming is becoming more and more of a *thing* for me as Uranus continues to roll into my 1st house. Both silently and out loud. Twice in the last week, I scared the tar out of myself with what erupted out of me while letting myself scream out loud when I was driving. It could probably be used as a sound clip for an exorcist movie. {shiver}

      Like

  4. I agree, this is very beautiful. From my perspective, I can’t thank you enough for being so open and honest and sharing with the world. You and I seem to be on different but parralel challenging courses. It’s got to be Pluto transiting the 10th house, right? Like no matter what, I have a bad reputation right now. People think poorly of me, no matter how much I try to change that. And like you, I got to a very tired, teary eyed point when I thought, what’s the point in caring what people think of me? I need to just be me and let everything else fall into place. Though I have yet to put that deisre into action…

    A lot of the things you are saying I identify with, I think from being emotionally charged by Jupiter. My moon is conjunct Jupiter and your moon is in opposition to Jupiter, but in the end, is it not the same thing? Big emotions. Big feelings. Emotionally charged.

    Like

    • Thank you, johnsie4, for this.

      For me it’s a combination of Uranus/Pluto . . . and a little of everything else, Jupiter in Cancer . . . Saturn in Scorpio. I feel like I’m getting ready to burst at the seams from so much pressure and push and pull in so many directions at once. And yet feeling simultaneously like I’m about to finally blossom into whatever it is I came here to be . . . and completely collapse into myself like a black hole. I feel the effects in me and also the effects I’m having on those around me. I want to scream and cry, but also sing and dance. I want to spread my wings and I also want to cower.

      I feel like all of the lessons I’ve been learning in earnest over many lifetimes are culminating. Like it’s a now or never kind of feeling. I want to start panicking, but I know that does me no good right now. I feel a flash like everyone hates me, and then a flash where I feel love for everyone.

      And all I can do is let go, let go, let go from second to second. I just have to trust and believe with all my heart that no matter what, everything is okay. Everything is okay.

      Like

  5. i thought about one of my favourite quotes when reading this: “The cure for anything is salt water – sweat, tears, or the sea.” simple, but beautiful and (for me) so very true! i always feel better after a release of tears – cleansed!! aleya

    Like

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