No Matter How Many Times I Fall, I Will Always Get Back Up

I had a thought provoking question asked of me that dovetailed nicely with a question I had asked myself last night as I fell asleep.  They were questions regarding my last relationship.

Driving into work (one of my ‘most likely to have an aha’ moment, 2nd only to the shower), the swirl of mess that I was trying to sort out suddenly cleared, and I was left with a single knowing or understanding within myself that hummed harmoniously . . . letting me know that I had found a Self Truth.

What attracts me to others?  I know there is a tendency to attract the part of ourselves that we don’t accept or reject.  (7th house)  But because my 7th house has been projectile puking projections on me since I was really young . . . those things people normally don’t accept about themselves and seek in others . . . I do see in myself and accept.  I have Uranus/Pluto there . . . I can be, and definitely am those things.  I am very clear about those being within me.  They scare me within me sometimes . . . but I see them.  I give them extra hugs.

My Venus and Mars in Aries are conjunct at 26 degrees.  I think this has more significance than I’ve realized.  My South Node is at 23 degrees Aries.  My feminine/masculine . . . they are together.  I know how to be whole.  I’m not bragging.  It’s not something I generally want people to know.  I tend to hide this, to protect it.  When I’m by myself and not in a committed relationship, I become peaceful and balanced inside.

I see Gemini as the one who reconciles duality.  Gemini is the sign of duality.  Gemini can be scattered and all over the place . . . and even moody . . . are you going to get the nice twin today, or the evil twin?  I have that Sun/Jupiter conjunction in Gemini.  (<– that’s like 20 people minimum) I then have those two in opposition to my Moon/Neptune in Sag.  An opposition is along the same lines as duality.  I have duality within duality within duality in my chart.  It is a chart of paradoxes.  For my sanity’s sake I have *had* to reconcile duality inside of myself.

I can see and hold so many angles and perceptions without conflict at one time, it should come with a circus soundtrack and confetti.

I am able to find peace . . . find happiness . . . find balance . . . all on my own.  I am able to self-nurture . . . I am able to defend myself.  Feminine/Masculine.  When you reach the kind of balance I have experienced, all of your needs are met within yourself.  I was genuinely joyful, happy, and full of life.  And it never ran out . . . it just kept welling up and through me.  So then my question to myself last night, was why did I bother getting involved in a relationship?  What was the point of that whole thing?  Why?

Which brings me back to my moment in the car.  The moment of clarity went a little something like this:

I felt so happy and whole before my last relationship . . . why would I leave that?  Now I’m having to limp myself back to that wholeness state . . . where I could’ve been anyways had I not got in the relationship.  That was stupid Jenn.  Why did you do that? {Puts one leg into her Wonder Woman underoos pants, careful to keep the other foot on the gas pedal of the car.}

Because I want a partner in life.  Not to help me become whole . . . but to be whole with me in life.  So why did you choose the person you did?  What was it about him that you saw?  {Carefully switching feet on the foot pedals of the car . . . starts to put other leg into her Wonder Woman underoos pants.}

: (  this is my owie getting ready to poke it’s head out.

While I love all of me . . . it’s been difficult finding someone who loves all of themselves.  And when someone doesn’t love and embrace all of who they are inside (and for real, not just to look good or to feel superior) . . . they aren’t okay with embracing and loving all of who I am.  And while I’m all for cooperating and finding a way that works for both (I actually tend to go a little too far in compromise much to my detriment) . . . what I’m not willing to do, is sacrifice who I am for another person.  {Scooches her underoos pants up over her jeans.}

So I get in a relationship . . . before long, I stop accepting who I am.  Yeah, the other person may blah blah blah and that has an influence on me having a harder time accepting myself.  But I don’t have control over them.  It’s my responsibility to keep accepting myself, even if it means the end of the relationship.  That’s not something someone else does to me. {Starts the task of getting her Wonder Woman underoos top on.  Over her sweater, need to look extra ridiculous.}

I live my life with my heart out on my sleeve.  That’s how I need to be.  I am strong . . . I am intense . . . I’m ridiculous . . . I’m silly . . . I can shift through 5 moods in one sentence.  For every single thing that I am naturally and at my core, I can find the negative side to them and the positive side to them.  The gifts and the curse.  I can see those in others too.  But I’m not seen back.  If the person isn’t aware enough . . . if the person doesn’t love themselves enough . . . if the person lives too much in fear . . . if the person identifies with their wound too much . . . if the person can’t see who they are under their own fear and worry . . . then they can’t see me.  {Underoos now on . . . straightening them out while keeping eyes focused on the road.}

And that makes me feel so alone in the world.

I self validate.  If they can’t self validate . . . then I become their crutch.

I self nurture.  If they can’t self nurture during times that I’m unable to be there for them . . . I become their drug.

I am guided by inner authority.  If they listen solely to authority outside of themselves . . . I don’t have their support in being and doing what it is I know I have to do.

I don’t want . . . no, I can’t become less than who I am in order to have a partner.  It’s not in me.  That’s not who I am.  My will to survive as ME will always win out in the end.  {Busts out the golden paper burger king crown she keeps stealthily hidden under the driver’s seat.}

I need someone as authentic, open, intense, and as powerful as me.  I need that so that I am allowed to be all of myself when I’m around them.  If they aren’t . . . I will inevitably have to sacrifice myself in order to have a partner.  That’s not the other person’s fault . . . that’s just the fact of the matter.

I can only find that by being unapologetically me when I’m with someone, and letting them be responsible for their responses to me and both working through the things that come up.  {Waits for a stoplight to assemble the gold crown.}

But that’s where my fear resides.

How many times can a person, being who they are, be rejected . . . and continue to love themselves?  Especially when they’re the only one believing in themselves.  I don’t want to be self-delusional, so every time that happens I tear myself apart to find my part and my responsibility in the situation, and I work hard to heal that part of me.

I get back to a place of balance and love for myself . . . I try again . . . I fall again.

I cycle through again . . . am I being delusional . . . am I being fair . . . is there something in me I’m doing that I’m blind to?  Rip . . . shred . . . no mercy.  Get back to a place of balance and love for myself.  Get back out there, and try again.  {Gets crown on.  Checks in mirror.  Hair sticking out everywhere?  Check.  Ears sticking out like a dork? Check.  Nods and smiles confidently.}

I have been doing this for as long as I can remember.

I fall, I pick myself back up, and I try again.  I fall, I pick myself back up, and I try again.  Always changing.  Always improving.  Always taking responsilibty for my part.  Always looking at the situation from the other person’s point of view.  Refining my rough edges.  I fall, pick myself back up, and I try again.

I have been absolutely ruthless with myself.

I have learned a lot.  I didn’t actually get to the full wholeness within myself until the Summer of 2012.  I found my personal magical combination that unlocked the real me inside.  And from there I could see I wished to have a partner to share life with, while in this awesome place of wholeness.  When I met the man from my last relationship, I saw that possibility.  The stars were aligned . . . everything magical came perfectly into place.

And then I fell.  Again.

But this time . . . something different did happen.  I did learn how to open my heart while in a relationship.  I learned how to overcome that fear of being who I am while I’m with someone.  That was a goddamn miracle all by itself.  But as with all Pluto lessons . . . I *still* have no control over other people.  Just because I got to that space myself . . . does not mean my partner automatically would. {At next stoplight, opens the glove box to pull out her long yellow yarn hair ribbon.  Nay . . . not hair ribbon . . . her lasso of Truth.}

And same lesson with my son . . . there’s nothing I can do about the other person.  I can love me with all my heart . . . I can love them with all my heart . . . but that does NOT mean, it will work out.  It doesn’t mean I will get my wish.

So this last smackdown still smarts.  The higher you go, the harder you fall.  But I had to take that risk.  I had to take that chance.  I didn’t want to live my life having to close my heart every time I got close to someone just because I’m terrified.  So I took the chance.  I still got rejected.  It’s not personal.  It hurts like hell, and I’m having to self nurture like I’ve never had to do before . . . but it wasn’t personal . . . he just wasn’t in that place . . . that’s nothing to do with me. {Parks car.}

So I am now picking myself back up.  I’m taking in the lessons learned.  I’m pulling myself back together . . . gaining back my strength . . . getting my feminine and masculine back in balance and talking nicely with each other.

This one smarted enough, that I have WAY less trouble speaking up for myself.  Which . . . is one of my “things” for this life.  The sabian symbol for my Sun sign at 12 degrees Gemini is:  “A Slave-Girl Demands Her Rights From Her Mistress“.  Where I stray . . . is when something happens that results in me having to be smaller and less than I am . . . I fold.  My brain tells me that it’s me “being fair” . . . after all this is a relationship and you can’t be so stubborn.

Well, fucking duh, Jenn.  You are stubborn.  Why is that so bad?  Why do you love your stubbornness alone . . . but suddenly it’s a problem around other people?  Why do you do that to yourself?  I misunderstood compromise and fairness.  It doesn’t mean you stop being that part of you . . . it doesn’t mean you hide that part of you around that person . . . it means you discuss it openly.  {Looking into the vanity mirror, starts putting on her Strawberry Shortcake lipgloss.  Now she’s ready.}

Anytime I’ve discussed a misunderstanding with another person, and we were BOTH open and receptive (vs defensive and arrogant) . . . a solution that was a great big win for both people was able to be found.  And in the process, each got an opportunity to step up their game and GROW as individuals.  But it only works when both are being open, honest, and willing to grow.

I’m not requesting that someone change for me.  I’m requesting that they grow with me.  You have to have a certain amount of humbleness and flexibility.  If you always have to be right . . . it won’t work.  If you think you’re perfect and I’m a spaz for constantly seeking to grow and improve myself . . . it’s not going to work.  If you don’t trust my motives or are suspicious of me . . . it’s not going to work.  If you’re not willing to take a chance and look like a TOTAL FOOL . . . then it’s not going to work.  {Gets out of her car . . . stands there for a moment with the car door still open, staring into the distance . . . contemplative.}

I’m not static.  I’m not a ONE, SINGLE, THING that you can tie me down with.  I will always . . . always continue to strive to grow and improve and change.  I don’t plan on one day saying, oh . . . I’m good . . . I’m going to just stop doing things now.  No.  That will never be me.  If you want someone who will always be one way, that’s not me.  If you want someone who will always be contained . . . that for fucking sure will never be me.  If you want someone who isn’t going to do embarrassing things . . . that will never be me.  {Puts a foot up on the door jam, looking like Captain Morgan on the Spiced Rum bottle.}

Ok . . . so I fell down again . . . and yeah I sometimes feel like a total ass for opening up like that and falling on my face.  But only for a few seconds.  I let myself feel embarrassed and humiliated . . . and then it passes . . . and then I see all the great awesome that I gained from it.  I see the places I could improve.  {Lifts chin up in strength, defiance, and resolve.}

And then I start getting my ass . . . back . . . up.  And I will try again.  The odds are totally in my favor.  One of these days . . . it will happen.  One day, I will find that someone who sees all of my insanity, my weird quirks, my intensity, my ugly face cry complete with slobber, my 5am get the fuck out of my face, my love and passion for life, my waaaay too fucking loud laughing, my big kid ridiculousness . . . and they will love me BECAUSE of all of those things.  {Wind starts blowing through hair.  Looking majestic as fluff.}

I just know it.  I just know one day I will find that person.  And until then . . . I’m not fucking giving up.

Some Scorpion Love.

Some Scorpion Love.

Comments

  1. Wow, I have to wonder how you wrote this post because these have been my thoughts exactly for the past few months…well, except for the astrology stuff. At first glance, it looks like a foreign language to me. How did you learn all of those things?

    Anyhow, the rest sounds like me to a “T”. As I read this, I imagined myself as a zombie, legs all to shreds and trailing along behind me, but I have my eye on the prize and I’m not giving up. I’m dragging myself along with my hands, knowing I’ll get “there” at some point.

    I know that what you described exists. It’s just hard to find someone aware of themselves, mature, and willing to grow and learn. Someone who’s has a higher consciousness.

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    • LOL . . . your visual of the zombies is totally fitting! You mentioned you’ve frequently been projected onto as well? (Not that others *don’t* get projected on) I guess I mean, you’re aware when others are projecting on you as well, and that they don’t want to ever, ever, own up to it or see it?

      I would be interested in any thoughts you had to share about it, if you felt so inclined. I’m in the process of remembering stuff I already knew before . . . so I’m clawing my way back. Talking about it out loud makes it feel more solid and real to me . . . helps bring it back into reality for me. It also helps hearing other’s perspectives on it, or there own ideas, because it helps me widen my reality anchor. So that it’s not just the 20+ “Me” s talking in my head. (No. That didn’t make me sound sane AT ALL.)

      Astrology . . . it was agreed amongst my astrologer friends (one that it *is* another language . . . called Astrologese), and two, that it’s almost something you have to be obsessed about, at least while learning the basics. Or . . . I guess a little here and there over a really long time period. I fall into the obsessed crowd. Mostly . . . as I was learning the basics, I started to realize that it was a structure in which to organize all the stuff I already knew in my head. So I had all the information already there, I just had to connect all of it to the various symbols, and BOOM. Done. (Not really . . . now I’m just secretly obsessed about it.)

      As far as knowing about that *something* existing, no sooner did I post this and my friend, Carmen, had posted this link:

      http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/j1b-16-things-your-boyfriend-should-be-telling-you/

      I kid you not, before I could get to the end of it, I straight up burst into tears (without my permission). The fact that some dude out there had sat down and wrote this . . . it gave me hope and it also made me feel like my needs weren’t SO outrageous. Yes . . . outside validation. So damn rare it makes me cry like a little baby when I see it.

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  2. Jen, you understand yourself so well and you know Astrology really well and we know Astrology is about understanding people, including ourselves. It is an invaluable resource! I don’t think by looking at your natal chart I can tell you any more about yourself than you have already figured out. I notice that you tend to analyze everything intensely. It can be crazy-making! Maybe you could just enjoy being who you are, once you get back again to your comfortable place by yourself. Don’t worry about a relationship. Do put it out to the universe to send you a partner when the time is right and the person is right and then let it go. Be in life, find your joy, worry a little less about yourself and trust God or the Universe or whatever you call it, to bring you exactly what you need. You are very strong! Note: I can’t help noticing that you picked the Aries color Red for your blog theme!!!!! How appropriate!

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    • {I think Astrologerpeg just told me to take a chill pill. O.O } Wait . . . so you didn’t see me in my Wonder Woman underoos fighting the battle for truth and awesomeness? {looks back through post} Ohhhhh! I see . . . I forgot something . . . . just a sec . . . brb.
      Wonder Woman Underoos

      . . .

      {gasping for breath} Whew. Okay . . . I ran back to the post and added in the visuals of what was going on behind the words. 😀

      LOL – Of course I’m teasing you. I appreciate what you’re telling me. I do analyze everything intensely . . . I’m a pretty intense person. It’s how I roll in my head. Some of it is also me trying to give my Mars/Aries CPR and bring that joker back to life . . . so I overdo it in order to start burning a path between myself and my Aries energy so that the light and dark parts of me can start talking all friendly-like again instead of cutoff from each other and acting like they’ve never met each other.

      And the Aries coloring . . . that started slowly creeping into my life a few years ago as Uranus got closer to my ascendant. It started when I traded in my car . . . I went from white . . . to Red. That was HUGE for me, I felt like EVERYONE was staring at me (so I also got tinted windows).

      Then my wardrobe started to change. I went from all black and navy blue colors to lighter spring colors (again . . . slowly . . . one item of clothing at a time. After each item I had to stop and breathe through the panic. Lightness and colors meant people might see me.) Now I have a red winter coat, a magenta winter coat. I have magenta highlighted everything from my phone to my water bottle. When at my son’s school a couple of weeks ago, we ran into someone he knew and he introduced me like this, “This is my mom. She likes pink.” LOL This is the first time in my LIFE . . . that I actually like and want pink and reds in my surroundings.

      Thanks for taking a look at my chart. : ) I know I went from “I can’t see me, help.” to “HERE I AM HAHAHAHAHAHA!” So no problemo. (<– Do you know how hard it was to get that "o" at the end of problem to stay? Autocorrect was all, "Nope." And I was like, "Oh now it's going to be there FOR SURE. Don't tell me I can't have an "o" at the end of the word you little jerk."

      Ok. I think I've stirred up enough dust for the moment. My job here is temporarily done. 🙂

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  3. I just finished laughing…………… Where can I get some Wonder Woman Underwear?????? (My Mars is in Aries)! I am brave and courageous and also I can rush in where angels fear to tread – but I kind of like that part of myself! Quick story: I drove with hubby and a friend up the mountain to find the Amethyst mine where we were told we could pick up gems on the ground. We left our car at parking lot and climbed awhile. We got lost and could not find them, so finally returned to the car. But on the way down the steep windy mountain, the brakes failed, so we pulled over. A young couple stopped and were happy to drive me back home to pick up the other car. I took the time to grab some crackers and water and to also fill up the gas tank. It was dark when I started up the mountain to rescue my husband. So dark that my headlights never flashed on the sign saying “Peggy go home, all is OK!” . Up I went in the dark all alone, and no cell phones at that time! My Aries Mars was all about saving my man and not worrying about anything else. I got lost in the dark; could not find the car on the path, circled several times and after 4 hours of that, I went back to the parking lot to sleep in the car until the early light. I figured he went over the cliff! Meanwhile, the brakes had cooled down, they got down the hill, wrote the sign and went home. When I got there the next morning after it got light, I found him frantic, out in the road looking for the helicopter rescue team that he had called to go find me. Of course, he figured I went over a cliff! So why did I have to do that….why didn’t I just call 911 to go rescue him?

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    • LOL . . . So when I finished reading your story I was saying to myself, “Why *would* you call 911 rescue?” And then laughed at myself, recognizing your point about Aries Mars. LOL . . . Whew, that’s funny. {Now I’m sitting here perplexed, wondering what it would be like to have an emergency and *not* respond like that. How different life and my perspective in general would feel. Nope. No, sir. I don’t like it.}

      Thanks for sharing your great story. 😀

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    • Ok . . . so, after I posted this reply . . . I had this weird flash of having had this conversation with you before. Including the Wonder Woman Underoos picture. *Did* we have this conversation before? I suppose I could start looking through comments . . . but it was so weird how it flashed for me. And this isn’t the first time. I’ve been having this start to happen a lot lately (and my first suspect is Uranus).

      Sometimes when I post a blog post, or even something on facebook . . . the moment I hit post/submit I’ll get this literal visual like an incredibly lucid memory of having done it before . . . same words and everything. It’s hard to confirm without going through tons of information . . . and it’s just SO WEIRD when it happens. It’s different from what I’ve experienced as deja vu in the past. It’s like someone lifts the veil and I see all of the moments in my existence (whether parallel lives, do-overs, etc.) where I had done this. Since I don’t know how things ACTUALLY work, I’m not entirely sure what I’m seeing.

      Okay . . . that’s probably enough crazy for one comment. 😀

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      • Nope, no under roos underwear conversations before!

        With Uranus in house 1, the path of new perception has opened for you along with new awareness, so you must be experiencing these! Something new is coming for you!

        Just looked around my chart and notice that Uranus is also conjunct Jupiter which is unexpected good fortune. I’ll take it!

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  4. Feel free to delete this – thought you might find this whatever – http://anupturnedsoul.wordpress.com/2014/01/09/the-to-be-continued-of-falling-in-love/

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  5. Okay… first you are superb! This post is brilliant!

    Your sense of humour alone is super-duper catnip!

    Your depth is a talent which will scare people off – this is a good thing even when it seems otherwise.

    Your self-awareness (now Uranus infused) will scare those who are not self-aware and prefer not to be because then they have to face up to their personal power – seems like a good thing, it is as you know. but some people find it disturbing as it comes with Saturnine responsibility for your own bits and pieces.

    Being yourself will attract to you someone who adores that and will encourage it. BUT… it will also attract people who are looking for a ride on your gossamer wings.

    Now I remember!

    You have given people a free ride on those wings, maybe they need to pay for it to appreciate how beautiful you are before they get the full ride. A taste of it, fine for free. Want more…

    As MM said – “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Gem Sun & Venus in Aries

    That!

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    • Super-duper catnip! LOL . . . {eyes wide . . . tear off into the other room for no.good.reason.}

      I love this comment. (The whole thing.) So much wisdom in it . . . makes my Gem/Sag axis all weepy.

      Yes! Giving people a free ride on my flutterby wings. I haven’t been using good enough discernment. I am not accustomed to people wanting to do things for me, so I don’t expect or miss it when they don’t. Wait . . . except I have started to miss it. I’m more clear now in what I would like, or more like what I need when in a relationship. And since I’m more clear on it, it will be easier for me to know when I’m not getting that.

      I’m glad you mentioned about attracting both those who would adore me, and those who want a free ride. That feels important for me to understand and to keep in my conscious awareness.

      And the Marilyn Monroe quote . . . that is so powerful.

      The idea that I could be miss cranky pants, and my partner would still want to come and hug me . . . makes me cry. And like what you said about your partner being able to handle you on full power . . . that makes me cry too. That’s so out of my reality based on experience. I start to feel like I’m *too* powerful . . . like I’ll always be alone because of it. And that seems like an absurd joke from the universe.

      I don’t want to be over-powered by someone . . . I want . . . co-empowerment? Is that a word? If not, it should be. It’ll be my word. {And I will pet it, feed it, and call it George . . . oh wait.}

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  6. 😀 You are so incredibly witty, it’s phenomenal!

    Here’s the thing… the ‘secret’ of having a relationship… you have to wing it and experiment and make a mess, kind of like cooking… only you’re cooking together and no one is the head chef… sometimes it tastes great to both of you, sometimes one of you thinks it’s delicious and the other thinks it’s disgusting, and sometimes both of you get sick.

    My relationship with my partner (he hates that I call him that on my blog) is a partnership between equals who want it to work. And sometimes we don’t 😉 It’s a mess from start to finish… although it has yet to finish… and we’re both too lazy to finish it if we ever wanted to… so there’s the joint laziness also keeping up together… we’re very similar and completely different… and we both make it work by respecting the individuality of the other, because then we get respect for our individuality.

    Don’t look for a prince charming and perfect type of soul playmate… look for someone who feels really good to be around, but not always… that’s someone who will have the self awareness to see that you are fun to be around but not always and that’s real life because we go with the flow, so we need someone to go with the flow with us and we do the same with them.

    or something like that!

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    • Thanks! I think most key for me is the part about it being between two equals who want it to work. Some days I’m optimistic that I will find that. Today is not one of those days. But I think that is mostly from being tired . . . t h i n k i n g . . . yes, most definitely because I’m tired. I need some Zzzzzs. 🙂

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  7. I need zzzzzs too, but sometimes being tired is necessary as our logical mind’s defenses are not as strong when we’re tired and sometimes those structures need to collapse (Pluto in Cap) because they’re too rigid and controlling. Sometimes thinking is not what we need to do, sometimes it’s a different process which is needed and if we’re thinkers then our thinking is deliberately disabled so other faculties can get through to us.

    We have flipped astro – but the Chiron versus Pluto & Uranus across the 1st & 7th with NN in the mix is a theme for both of us, although flipped (except for NN which is in the same house). In your case being wounded is part of your identity – I’m viewing your Chiron as saying something similar to mine only with a different purpose – express your wound, don’t hide it. My wound expressed heals others, your wound expressed heals you. Something like that. The Pluto/Uranus connection for me is identity related, for you it’s other/close others related. I guess you attract and are attracted to people like me who challenge you to be yourself willfully (Aries in !st & rising), with self-awareness, and pride (Saturn in Leo – because your Sat is a focal point for your natal chart).

    Your close personal relationships will always be chaotic (Uranus) and transformative (Pluto), for you and others (1st/7th), will be deeply wounding and deeply healing (Chiron), destined to happen and you can’t avoid it (NN). But you can learn to enjoy the ride using that superb ability of self-awareness which you possess (all of your chart working in unison). Don’t get caught in the trap of making dreams of perfect relationships come true (Nep/Moon) thus leading to dark disappointment when the bubble pops and the temptation to blame yourself (Nep/Moon opp Sun/Jup – Emotion/dreams opp Ego/enthusiasm). The perfect dream relationship is the imperfect real relationship. It starts with your relationship with yourself… and that is what’s in focus right now as Uranus moves across your Asc (gives your ass a kick) and moves into the first… watch out for the Ven/Mars conjuct transit, it’s going to be breathtaking and a thrilling by the seat of your pants ride. You may fall madly in love with yourself 😀

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    • After reading your comment, I had a new perspective come to me. I was thinking of how meeting you was a kind of turning point for me, in that you’ve healed enough of yourself that you were able to see at least flutterings of me that other’s in my life have not been able to see.

      I think the universe has a great sense of humor. You having Uranus/Pluto in your 1st house . . . and me having that in the 7th. Like it was trying to be all obvious about “Hey! This is a clear case of an “other” in your life!” to get my attention. And then for you to have Chiron in the 7th and me have it in the 1st . . . was also a “Hey, obvious flag waving happening over here!”

      Plus with all your Virgo and all my Gemini . . . the ruler of both being Mercury, the “trickster”. We both, in our own unique ways, act as mirrors to each other. My ex was Gemini rising, he also acted as a mirror. When you have two acting mirrors come in contact, it creates a weird, surreal funhouse effect. You reflecting me reflecting you reflecting me reflecting you. I guess like a mirror echo.

      Chiron in my 1st house – While I was younger, I was personifying or seen as wounded . . . but I didn’t see *myself* as wounded. I was focused on persevering, surviving, finding a better way. I was busy doing my 1st house, not seeing it. I’ve found that that anything in my first house is something so blatant and obvious to everyone else, is often something I’m completely unaware that others see me in that way.

      But also how Chiron acts in the 1st house, is that the more the wound in Self is healed, the more that I am just myself, the more I act as an agent of healing for others. I begin to personify the healer aspect, vs. the wounded aspect. Not by actively being a healer . . . like someone in Virgo/6th house might, but by just doing what I do.

      Your Chiron in the 7th, has probably meant that you encounter the “wounded” in the others you meet. This might have thrown you into a role of having to be the stronger one, and probably in others not being *capable* of being there for you as you needed them to be.

      If your Uranus/Pluto has behaved in any way like my Venus/Mars has in the 1st house, you may have at one time been unaware of how you come across to others . . . that you have intensity/power and also a genius/uniqueness that was most likely misunderstood when you were younger. With very down-to-earth Virgo . . . you could probably see more clearly than your Piscean-like others. They probably had no way to counter what you said or did because they weren’t that grounded in reality . . . so you may have felt the burden of responsibility of taking care of the things in everyday life that need to be handled (but that no one else wanted to do or felt like they could handle) . . . while the “too beautiful to be of this world” wounded others in your life limped along . . . maybe as a victim or like they were helpless in this too painful world.

      Except they weren’t seeing what their victimhood was doing to you. They may have thought, “oh you get the world and we don’t, so this isn’t really a burden to you like it is to us.” They, themselves, weren’t able to really see you clearly. They weren’t able to help validate or help you clarify the world around you . . . so you were kind of left to do that for yourself. So then that’s where Neptune/Mars in Scorpio in 3rd house causes you some issues. Trying to find what is real in your environment through the illusion like a detective would. You probably trust more in your own version of reality than other’s . . . and when you come in contact with others, their version probably throws you into the Neptune fogs of confusion . . . forcing you to have to clarify for yourself again what is real and what isn’t.

      While you’re trying to straighten that out within yourself, you kind of go on auto-pilot as a cover. You do your own version of a web or illusion that you throw up around you to hide from others (most likely what you were forced to learn how to do while you were trying to find your way in the world when you were younger).

      In your own version you do something similar to what I do, which is you start sounding more like you’re reciting a textbook, than actually being fully present and active in the conversation. You don’t seem to want to let on that you aren’t on top of your game at the present moment, (probably because your parents wouldn’t allow for you to be wounded or in need yourself . . . and/or you didn’t want to burden the already wounded with your own stuff because they couldn’t handle it.) To most of the “others” you’ve run into in life, this is more than sufficient to throw them off your scent, because they’re so lost down the rabbit hole, and they don’t know better.

      I feel like you want to just be yourself . . . that you no longer *want* to hide behind those things . . . but because of the walking wounded surrounding you . . . none of them can see you behind the curtain . . . waiting to really be seen yourself by another, in the way that you can see them.

      In the new perspective I saw earlier, meeting you was a turning point for me because it introduced a new kind of interaction with “other” in my life. If that is true for me, because I’ve made a turning point . . . then I’ve started to feel like it must be true for you in some way . . . that maybe I’m a new kind of interaction of “other” in your life as well.

      I *used* to personify the wounded. I am now beginning my journey as personifying the healer. I am in many ways similar to the others from your past . . . but in a new form. You are in many ways similar to the others from my past . . . but also in a new form. Interacting with you is *different* for me than it was in my past.

      So if I am now beginning to personify the “wounded healer” where I am now helping heal those who share a similar wound as mine . . . and I’m showing up as an “other” in your life . . . then that means that not only will the wounded show up in your life as an “other” . . . but also the “wounded healer”.

      Meaning . . . this time . . . I’m not here for you to aide in an indirect way to help me heal myself . . . I’m here to finally be an “other” in your life that is no longer stuck in her wound . . . so that you may finally heal that part of yourself.

      You can be contrary with me . . . you can try and spin up webs of illusion in order to cover or hide yourself from me if you wish. You can rationalize and run evasive maneuvers in your communications. But I can still see you in there underneath all of that.

      For myself, my relationships are no longer chaotic. I have found a different way to be with others. My last relationship was unusual, in that it was mostly from a distance (him in The Netherlands and me in the US), and over the internet. Still Uranian in nature. But chaotic . . . no. I’m much too grounded, purposeful, aware, and proactive (vs reactive) in life for that to be true for me.

      Despite my Neptune/Moon . . . I am incredibly realistic in my relationships. I’ve worked incredibly hard at making the relationships work based on reality and not illusions. Some of where I run into trouble with my Neptune/Moon in my relationships, is that other’s idealize me. When they first meet me . . . they see me as some incredible fairytale creature that’s too good to be true. I respond to that. I think their response to me is real. Until the relationship gets under way, and then I find that I’ve become a caged bird . . . I become something to be owned or possessed by them and them alone, and only in the version of me that they first saw . . . not who I really am.

      My lesson in that, is that when I start seeing that someone else is starting to dress me up in their own clothing . . . I must say something. I must straighten it out, or start to forget myself that I’m not that role or character.

      I haven’t found someone who sees me for me, because I used to never correct the illusion they initially see of me. I used to not want to know if they would still want me or love me if they realized I was a real person and not the fairy princess they saw in their head. I always did everything that moved the relationship forward. They just sat and daydreamed of castles in the sky . . . never intending to bring it into reality with me. The relationship becomes one where I’m the only one doing things and living in the real world . . . while they do everything in their power to keep me in the role of the illusion.

      I have never had a man *want* to buy me a gift . . . I have never had a man *want* to help ease my burden in life . . . I have never had a man *want* to overcome obstacles or initiate making any of our plans come true. And all because I’m scared to keep correcting the illusion they see of me. I do initially . . . but they become so relentless (pluto on desc) on insisting that their version of reality is real . . . and that I’m the one being unrealistic. They are so persistent in fact, that I start to doubt my own clarity and my own understanding of reality . . . and I begin to lose my self confidence . . . and I fall into a passive state where it becomes harder and harder to leave the relationship because I’ve lost myself and my whole 1st house. Everything that makes me, me.

      And then their illusion of me crashes . . . and they see me in that sunken state. And then they no longer want me . . . but let me know in very passive ways that they really DON’T want me. That they are NOT attracted to me. That this . . . icky “real” version of me is not up to THEIR standards. And I’m left standing there . . . fallen and rejected. Unwanted. Unloved.

      Because of the complicated dynamics between my 1st and 7th, such as in evolutionary astrology you look to the opposing point of Pluto in order to know where your soul needs to go to evolve, mine is on the 7th house cusp. My first house is where I need to go for my Soul’s evolution. However, my NN is in the 7th house. I need to go there too. Also conjunct my SN in Aries 1st house, is an asteroid . . . can’t think of the name but it’s the wife of Chiron. Boiled down, my SN . . . what I’m good at, is acting as a spiritual surrogate, in a priestess trained days of old kind of way. Basically, if someone needs me to be a certain way . . . a certain character or role in order to heal, because maybe the original person who hurt someone isn’t available or died or whatever . . . then I will whole-heartedly play that role . . . the bad guy, whatever. With my Neptune/Moon . . . my past . . . I easily sacrifice my own emotions and feelings in favor of other’s emotions. I willing take the casted role or illusion they give me in order to fulfill something they need. But that is my past and that is something I’m too comfortable with (moon) and know how to do too well (South Node).

      So, what that all boils down to, and where I think we come in for each other, is that what my Soul wishes to break free from . . . wishes to change this time . . . is that this life I get to live it as me. Me . . . not the role someone else casts me, not the illusion others need me to be, but as ME. I get to learn how to be in relationships with others and not sacrifice or lose who I am. I get to be real, I get to come out of hiding, I get to be seen for who I really am . . . finally.

      I’m so used to playing a role for everyone else for their sake for so many lives, that I’ve completely lost my own self in the process. And I’m sure there are many of us out there like that. But those days for me are done. And I feel they are for you too. Otherwise, what’s the point of our paths crossing. You’re used to everyone else’s illusion of you too. You have NN in 7th as well . . . well guess what my big, fat, opinion is of all of this . . . .

      You get to be who you really are around others as well. You don’t need to hide anymore . . . you don’t need to pretend anymore . . . you don’t need to live in chaos anymore . . . you don’t need to isolated and alone inside of yourself anymore. You don’t need to be surrounded by the walking wounded . . . you don’t need to suffer in silence anymore.

      I *know* you say your wound is splattered all over your blog . . . but it’s not really. I don’t see your wound on your blog. I see things alluding to it . . . I see you talking around it . . . I see you trying to work it out for yourself . . . but I don’t see your actual wound on there. That . . . I see being held close to your heart for only you to really know in secret.

      You do what you have had to do in order to survive your life, it’s all legit and perfectly understandable . . . but I also know with your Uranus/Pluto/Scorpio/Virgo thing going on . . . that there’s a part of you that doesn’t want to be seen . . . doesn’t want to be figured out . . . you want to be so complicated and such a mystery that nobody can ever truly figure out your thing. (Otherwise, how are you special?) You want to be an enigma. You don’t want to be sliced and diced and put into little cubicles with labels. (And no, I absolutely do *not* have you all figured out. That would be ludicrous.)

      As a Gemini Sun/Jup and Aries stellium boldness and Sag truth and bringing to surface or to light . . . I’ve been thrown into more blenders set on puree by plutonic types than any one individual should be expected to. I know who I am isn’t welcomed in the World of Scorpio and Pluto.

      But I also know of a different way to experience life that doesn’t involve it revolving around pain, fear, or wounds. Where those words start becoming less and less a part of your regular vocabulary . . . and eventually become a distant memory. “Remember that time when stuff was just crazy and dark?”

      And since I *am* going to keep running into various mixes of the Pluto/Uranus variety . . . and that I *am* supposed to learn how to just be who I am around others . . . that I’m meant to show and share my world of light and laughter with them and offer the opportunity to come back to the land of the living . . . instead of getting kidnapped and taken down to the underworld by them.

      This used to be the part where I’d start running for my life. But I don’t feel or sense that with you. While a part of you may (and that’s a big maybe) initially want to murder me just from instinctive response . . . I do not feel anything actually threatening in you. The scariest thing I feel with you, is your words . . . after I sink past your words . . . you’re like an Angel underneath. Your scary words being your armor and shield. Past that . . . You are all heart and love and care. I do not feel a harmful bone in your whole body. (and I’m scanning with my Neptune/Moon feelers . . . getting all up in your personal space and crossing boundaries. sorry. 🙂 )

      I feel you are a kind of . . . . “Angel of Love” is what comes to my mind. Going where angels fear to tread . . . but it feels like you don’t need to do that anymore. I mean, if you feel like it . . . then by all means . . . who am I to say? But I guess what I’m trying to say is that window of opportunity is opening for you. If you’re done being in the dark . . . then, you can choose to come out now if you wish. You don’t need to stay down there anymore.

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