One Lovely Blog Award Nomination – Show Me Who You Really Are

I don’t know wth is wrong with the reblogging feature or if it’s me, but either way I’m going to do this in a convoluted *special* way. 🙂

Show Me Who You Really Are has had the honor of receiving a One Lovely Blog Award Nomination from An Upturned Soul.  To see the original post on her blog with the nomination (pssst . . . she says all kinds of cool things about me), you can go here ONE LOVELY BLOG AWARD NOMINATION – SHOW ME WHO YOU REALLY ARE – I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE HIDING.  IT’S TIME TO COME OUT AND PLAY.

one-lovely-blog-award2

WWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Okay . . . so there’s actually more that I need to do for this award, but I’ll do that at my own pace and as I calm the hell down and can think in a more linear fashion.  For the rest of this post, I’m going to put what I originally typed in the “reblog” (that obviously failed . . . it’s now floating lost in hyperspace somewhere).

And for the eleven-fiftieth time . . . many thanks to An Upturned Soul.

Holy hell I cannot even begin to tell you what this means to me.  But I’m going to try anyways.  First, I want to thank An Upturned Soul (btw, that’s not her real name ; ) for nominating me for the One Lovely Blog Award.  Here’s her site An Upturned Soul <— do yourself a favor and go there.  One of two big reasons this means so much to me, is because I respect the hell out of this woman.  If she just passed these things out like candy, it might not have meant as much to me.  And if I don’t respect someone, their recognition doesn’t mean a whole lot to me.

While I may (or not) seem to be over-reacting to something that seems relatively simple . . . I’m not.  Not for me anyways.  In fact, for me, I’m under-responding.

See this is actually a momentous moment for me in my life.   This was posted early yesterday morning (my time in Seattle, USA) . . . and I’ve just now got my head back on straight enough so that I’m capable of reblogging this.

I’ve been recognized before in my life.  For business things.  For playing flute well technically.  As in, not because of my own creativity, but because I was good at playing well like a robot.  (Not quite that severe . . . but point being, it wasn’t because I was some musical creative genius.)

My blog.  My writing.  That’s something that’s coming straight from my heart.  That is something of myself that I am putting out there for others to do what they wish with it.  In astrology, that’s 5th house, Leo, Sun.  And see . . . I have Saturn, restrictor/task master (stick in the mud) in Leo in the 5th.  It’s the house and sign of kids, creativity, heart.  When you do something from your heart, it is like your kid.  It’s an offering from your heart.  And for that . . . doing something from my heart and receiving recognition at this level . . . that I haven’t had happen before.

I don’t do it for recognition.  I do it because I need it . . . because something in me has to.  But people’s responses still affect me strongly.  That’s my heart hanging out there flapping out in the breeze for crying out loud!  How would people’s responses NOT affect me?  :D

So for me personally, having Saturn in that place . . . and having put a lot of work into overcoming my fears in order to share my heart despite the terror it invokes in me . . . and then to get recognition like this . . . THAT is why this is such a huge fucking deal to me.  It’s hitting and soothing all kinds of fears, hurts, and damage done over the years of my life.  So yeah, I’m having quite a huge response over this.  I did something that scared the living shit out of me, with no expectations of ever having any outside validation . . . so when it happened, it absolutely knocked my socks off.  You should see the retarded stuff I was responding with in the comments shortly after she let me know about the nomination. (Edit to add: Reply where Jenn loses her ever loving mind in excitement)  I wasn’t making ANY sense.  :D

An Upturned Soul . . . I don’t know if you’ll ever know or understand what you’ve done for me just in the short time we’ve been in touch.  Just by openly sharing things with me, you have showed and reminded me about more of myself in this short time . . . than I’ve been shown for the sum of my life.  I can’t even keep up with sharing back to you what the things you’ve said have been showing me because it’s so much.  Like when you said I wasn’t looking for followers, I was looking for playmates.  Oh!  Yes!  That’s what I was trying to say . . . I didn’t realize that’s what I had been trying to say until I read that from you.

Or in a recent comment you said that I didn’t forget what it’s like to be a kid . . . girrrrl . . . you’ll be hearing more about that in a post later.  I totally, fucking, forget about that part of me.  I forgot the kid part of me.  I am a giant.ass.kid.  And I’m trying to behave how I see other adults behave . . . and that’s not me.  That’s never going to be me.  No wonder I feel so goddamned closed tight in a box . . . I’m trying to play grown up the way other people play grown up and it doesn’t work for me.  But see?  I couldn’t see these things about me.  It’s these simple, seemingly obvious things about me that I haven’t had others say to me . . . and so I couldn’t see them.  One day I’ll be able to describe what I mean by that better.  Point is . . . you just being you, and not trying to help me, and just being real . . . is exactly what I was needing.  All it took was a couple of simple nudges for me to go OHHHHHHHH!  Now I remember who I fucking am.

It’s a mix of timing from the universe, and it just taking this long to run into someone else who has also put in enough hard work to uncover enough of themselves that they could see outside of their hurt too.  You may not know how rare you are, but it took me over 36 years to run into one of you . . . so, it’s pretty uncommon.  Even though I’m sure a lot of it had to do with the circles I was hanging out in.  So meeting you also marks a point in my life where I can see that I’m moving out of my old patterns and cycles and into a new life.

Thanks.  For all of that, and more.  Really, I’m just saying thanks for being you.  That’s made all the difference for me.

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