Pity Party Is Over, Everyone Out Of The Pool!

Confidence.  Confidence.  Confidence.

It feels good to have.

I’ve been swimming the seas of over-passiveness and by this point my inner aggressor is drunk on margaritas and face down in the pool, “Wooooot” ing into the water along with a feeble attempt at fist pumping the air.

It’s time somebody sobered up that SOB and let her know that the pity party is OVER.  Everyone out of the pool!  Put your drinks down and get your ass up and get dressed.  We’re going to town.

Having been in that place with no to little willpower, low self confidence, lack of motivation and passion for a little while has been instrumental in helping me understand what I’m up against.

For one, I understand better that when I go all BraveHeart on people and they just look at me and go . . . “eh.”  That it really isn’t personal!  They currently aren’t *able* to feel what I’m saying.  That totally helps me understand the Pluto in Libra on my descendant.  It’s Libra, an air sign . . . intellect.  It’s Pluto, a water sign . . . emotion.  I run into powerful people who intellectualize their emotions instead of actually feeling them.  Not only that but I also have Uranus in the 7th house . . . an air sign, in Scorpio . . . a water sign.

Well OMG that explains a lot.  Those poor jerks aren’t actually feeling the things I feel . . . no WONDER they aren’t able to support me or understand what I’m going on about.  I hand my power over because I thought they knew better.  They can talk about the same things that I do, and so it *sounds* to me like they understand what I understand . . . but they don’t actually experience and feel the things I do.  I believed more in their intellectualized version of what I’m talking about, than I believed in my own actual experience of what I’m talking about.  Every time I’ve done that, I’ve lost my own self confidence and power.

I’ve gone from being able to feel those things, to NOT being able to experience those things (and now on my way back).  When I’m not able to feel or experience those things, and others try to give me pep talks or rouse me up, I’m just not able to experience a reaction in my body at all like that mechanism doesn’t exist.  It feels like you’re dead inside except that you’re suffering in endless anxiety and pain.  {shiver}  It’s a place of being SO passive, that nothing is able to rouse you or get you going.  You just suppress EVERYTHING that might make you respond in a way that is anything less than perfect.  Ugh!  Yuck!  No!

You can keep it . . . you can have your self righteous, perfect model of a citizen, repressed, dead of feelings, superiority complex, isolated, alone, and misunderstood life if that’s what you want.  If that’s your idea of a “win”, then knock yourself out.

{Spitting the rest of the taste of bitterness and death out of my mouth}  So gross.

That’s not the life I know and love.  Mine is fun, warm, full of life, and varying degrees of awesome.  You can come join me in mine, but I’m no longer going to go join you in yours.  That place is literally.hell.

That is a miserable, miserable place.  I feel like I need to take endless thousand degree showers to wash off the cold and ick from being there.  It is SO AWFUL.  It’s just endless torment and gray skies and aloneness.  It’s endless competition for who hurts the most so that the other wounded have to suck it up and help the most hurt.  It’s an endless cycle.

Everyone there thinks they ARE their hurt.  You can’t heal or let go of your hurt if you think that’s who you are.  Otherwise every time you try to open and let go of it, you lose yourself (or who you think you are).  So you are perpetually wounded forever!

I have Chiron (deepest wound) in my 1st house of Self.  If ANYONE in the zodiac is going to feel forever wounded inside (if that were a thing), it would be the person with Chiron in their 1st house.  But guess what?!  I am able to heal mine.  The memory of it doesn’t go away, but the pain does.  That pain and ache DOES heal.  It CAN be healed.

It may be in my 1st house, but it is NOT who I am.  Chiron is actually that thing in us that we were so good at . . . SO EXCELLENT at, but one day when we had reached our most awesomeness in that thing . . . something happened . . . and we fell.  When you’re up that high . . . you are going to fall and it’s going to hurt.  The thing that you did best, becomes your deepest wound.  So you become haunted with this memory of having been able to do *that* thing . . . but alas . . . you’ll never be that again.  So it hurts . . . it stings.

To heal that wound, you have to work to become that thing again.  Will you ever be the same as before the fall?  No!  And you don’t want to be!  That’s why you fell!  Arrogance!  You got too big for your britches (and I’m mostly talking to me) and thought you were all that and a bag of chips . . . and then something came along and knocked you off your high horse . . . and the humiliation and even the idea that you could be knocked down or defeated . . . is such a wound to your pride.

When you start to heal from that wound, you start to gain back the things that went missing in you because of the initial wound happening.  But this time it’s tempered with wisdom.  You now have an understanding that you aren’t infallible.  You aren’t going to be that same prick that you were the last time you were at that level . . . and if you do start to fall back into it . . . your wound will be poked and you’ll start to fall again.  So in that respect, no the wound never leaves you.  However, it serves a huge purpose by keeping you honest and on your path.  It helps keep you from making the same mistakes.  If you feel your wound getting touched . . . you better check yourself . . . because you’re falling back into old habits.

But what Chiron’s wound *doesn’t* mean, is that you are doomed to feel that hurt for your whole life.  No.  Just, no.  That’s incorrect.

My wound being in Taurus in my 1st house conjunct all my awesome Aries Venus/Mars and Taurus Mercury, is my ability to speak up for myself.  My confidence in myself.  My ability to defend myself.  It’s in my fear of being left alone when I do speak up.  It’s in not being supported by others when I speak my truth and what I feel and experience in my body to be true.  It’s about how I HAVE to speak and live those truths or I become ill and start to die inside.

It heals when I stop looking outside of myself for validation.  It heals when I find the courage to stand alone in what I feel and know to be true inside me . . . even if everyone walks away from me.  It heals when I do this, but ALSO stay open and receptive to others.  It heals whenever someone tries to convince me that how I feel is wrong or incorrect, and I stand in myself and say, “No.  For me this is true.  And it’s no less valid than how you feel.  I get to feel this and I get to let this be my reality and not feel bad about it.”

And when it heals . . . I feel such love and peace in me.  I drop all pretenses and defenses . . . and I’m okay with how everything is.  It’s all fine just the way it is and I wouldn’t change any of it for the world.

I go in and out of that.  So sometimes you get a Jenn that’s all open and sunshine and sometimes you walk into a Jenn that has all the doors slammed close and is freaking out inside.

I will get back to that place of peace.  And I will learn how to stay there always so that you’ll always encounter the open and sunshiney Jenn.  I hope to someday gain that wisdom to stay there.

Because confidence feels good.  It feels like you are on top of the world and like NOBODY can bring you down.  And it is hard to NOT become arrogant in that space.  I start getting a swagger in me.  I start walking down the sidewalk like I’m on a perpetual catwalk.  Me.ow.  Yep, I’m on fire and I’m about to take this whole place down to its knees.  Until a second later where my wound gets poinked and then I’m in internal freakout mode and start to shut down.  Then I just look like a quivering rabbit trying to dart out of sight of the eagle coming down to get me.

But it feels even BETTER to be in that space, and to be open and humble.  It feels a million times better.  I feel more trusting of life.  I feel more trusting that I’ll use the power I gain from my confidence in a positive way.  That I’ll use it to make the world I live in a better place.  As long as I’m in that space of being, I won’t feel any of the pain of my wound.  But if I stray even one iota . . . down I’ll go.

This is what my confidence and power feel like inside of me with no apologies:

What about you?

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