I Support Who You Really Are . . . Not Your Dysfunctional Behavior

One way that I make myself smaller around others, is also how I become an enabler.  In an effort to be supportive and understanding, I don’t speak up when I hear someone saying something that they *think* is their truth . . . but I can clearly see that it’s a line of thinking that is keeping them small.  There are many other reasons I do it.  I don’t want to be a know-it-all.  I know that most likely they’ll say, “No, no that’s not it.”  At one point I started to think that I should just let them figure it out for themselves . . . which leads me back to being supportive and understanding.  Which I seem to think means always agreeing with what someone is saying.

I can be supportive and understanding AND say how I see it.

There’s also a time and a place.  When a person is having an emotional breakdown . . . that’s a good time to let them say whatever the hell needs to come out of their mouth.  A good old fashioned rant.  It doesn’t have to make sense, it doesn’t have to be rational . . . it just needs to come out in the open and be said so that it doesn’t stay inside of them and poison them to death.

But if I have a friend who is repeating the same thing over and over for 50 conversations or over a period of years, and I can clearly see how it’s limiting them and keeping them from accomplishing what they want to accomplish?  I’m going to say something.  I see the quotes online about “a real friend . . . ” and then a bunch of stuff that sounds all romantic and beautiful . . . but it’s the behavior of an enabler.  It’s how we keep each other in our boxes.  To me,  I feel like I’m being more supportive and more of a friend when I help pull them out of the illusion that is keeping them small.

We have become so afraid of offending someone.  I remember being in a bookstore with my mom in the 90s, and laughing our heads off at a book full of politically correct ways to say something.  Someone isn’t short . . . they’re vertically challenged.  Bawahahahahahahah!  We were laughing at how ridiculous this “politically correct” way of speaking was becoming such a thing.  Guess what?  Once upon a time, when I was in school and someone was being an idiot . . . we weren’t afraid to say, “You’re being retarded.”

Also, now with the bullying thing, we’re afraid to be truthful to anyone because we don’t want to hurt their feelings.  Discernment people.  Discernment.  There is bullying and yes that is hell on earth for a great many people, and YES that needs to be addressed.  But accepting people for who they really ARE . . . and supporting people’s dysfunctional behaviors are two different things.  I support YOU . . . but I do not support the dysfunctional behavior that is preventing you from being who you ARE.  You are NOT your dysfunction.  “Oh, but what if this is just how I am.”  Well, if you’re miserable and bitter and suffering and complaining . . . then I have news for you . . . it’s NOT who you are.

So many times I can see, clear as day, what is going on with someone.  How they’re limiting themselves.  How they’re getting in their own way.  How they’re trapped in an illusion.  And when the moment is right, I say something.  And then what I get is an onslaught of no that’s not it, no but this is why I do this, and that doesn’t work for me, and I tried that before.  Just on and on.  All of the self-justifications they tell themselves that keeps them exactly in the place they profess to not want to be anymore.

And that’s when my need to understand gets in my own way.  I start listening to all of the things they tell themselves for why that isn’t true . . . and then I fall into their illusion with them.  Then I hear myself repeating that for them too.  I also figure that they must know themselves better than I do . . . so I don’t say anything more.  That, my friends, is one way in which we enable and keep each other down.

Sometimes I don’t know why someone is struggling.  That’s when I say, “I don’t know” and I just keep listening.  But then there are moments that I see with clarity (Aries) exactly the situation.  But where I disempower myself, is that when the person tells me that I’m wrong (oh, no . . . that’s not the reason why . . . blah blah blah) and then I back off . . . I lose confidence in myself.  I start to doubt myself and my clarity.  I start to get lost in the fog of confusion along with my friend.  Then I start falling into similar situations as them.  Then I find myself trying to climb back out of the hole on my own without them because they don’t want to see the way out.  Then I feel guilty for leaving them in the dark.

So I am realizing, that me speaking up when I get those moments of clarity IS a part of who I am.  And instead of folding and going down the rabbit hole with my friend, I need to stand my ground in what I know to be true.  I’m just not someone who can stand there and watch someone take themselves or others down.  I just can’t.  When I do, I have to lose that part of me that is like that.  My will, my confidence, my passion for life.  I have to sacrifice those things in myself when I stay around someone who is doing that, but refuses to see it or to do something about it.

I don’t want to lose that part of myself ever, ever again.  So if you’re looking for a friend to support you indefinitely in your self limiting illusions . . . then I’m not the person you want as a friend.  It’s nothing personal.  It’s just not who I am.

I want to be surrounded by people open to life and open to growing.  People who are humble enough to see their own faults and own up to them.  People who support and appreciate me, the real me, and who also try to hold me to that standard.  If you see bullshit in something I’m saying, call me out.  Be open to discussing it in a non-defensive manner.  Don’t go all passive on me.  Call.me.out.  I appreciate and respect that.

I do not wish to be surrounded by people who insist on being closed down and victims their whole life.  People who are still repeating the same complaints now as they did 20 years ago.  People who are more interested in getting attention for their struggle, than in actually doing something about it to improve their lot in life.  It’s FINE if you don’t want to change.  I don’t care.  If that’s your *thing* then have fun.  But.  I don’t want to be around it.  I don’t have to be around it.  I get to make that choice for myself and it has NOTHING to do with accepting someone unconditionally or not.  I do accept them.  I accept that they are like that.  But accepting or loving someone unconditionally does not mean you have to be around it.  That’s THEIR choice to not grow or change.  Not mine.

That whole, “you can’t control others, you can only control your response to them” is exactly what that’s about.  You can’t make someone change.  They have to make that choice.  If their choices make it so that you become less of yourself or starts to harm you . . . you need to make a choice yourself.  To stay and continue the damage and be an enabler (which again . . . isn’t a judgment, it’s simply an option and a choice), or to chose to not be around it.

It may be misunderstood, it may make them angry, it may make them retaliate . . . and that’s because they’re scared.  They’re scared they can’t do it without you.  And that’s normal . . . that’s expected.  But how are they ever going to move past their fear if they never have to face it or push through it?  People need to be tested.  People need to be challenged.  If you keep helping them *just* because they’re scared . . . you are limiting them.  I don’t know how many times I’ve found that the very thing that scared me the most, is the thing I needed to be running towards . . . not away.

For example, my son struggles with the idea of trying to make it on his own out in the world.  He’s scared he’s not going to be able to do it.  So he comes up with a million logical reasons why he has to procrastinate it or not do this or that at all.  He’s scared.  If I become scared with him, and don’t push him because I’m afraid he’ll fail too . . . then I’m enabling and limiting him.  Because I know for a matter of fact, that getting out in the world is exactly what he needs to do.  He has a Capricorn MC just like me, so I know that he needs to do this process in a slow and steady manner.  So I slowly and steadily point him in that direction.  I see he’s scared . . . but I know he can do it . . . so I continue to march along with him showing him the way.

People may think they don’t want to be called out on their stuff . . . but when it happens . . . the result is usually a feeling of relief.  Like finally!  Someone isn’t letting me get away with my own bullshit.

I feel that to be more loving and supportive.  A short moment of awkwardness or discomfort . . . but then growth and forward movement for both.  Much more satisfying than a lifetime of suffering and zero growth . . . but hey . . . at least I always agreed with ya.

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Comments

  1. And omg . . . it has become so difficult to communicate without a million errors in spelling, grammar, context, etc. as Uranus sits his big ass on my Ascendant. It’s like the inside of my head is one big intense electrified Jacob’s Ladder. It is making me feel like English is my 5th language instead of my 1st. I’m just happy that it resembles English at all . . . jfdia;lkdfnasdknv;laksdfhlkjsadflkj is how it feels in my head. 🙂

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