Keep Going . . . You Don’t Want To Miss This

There is a dream I had back in October that has been tapping me on my shoulder a lot the last couple of weeks.  When I turn around to yell, “What?!” it just stands there and stares at me.  It doesn’t say anything (because that would be weird), but I do get a feeling of please share me.  Then I feel the sum of what is happening on Earth at this time . . . I hear the words that were said at the end of the dream.  Then I feel what can only be described as hearing/feeling a collective prayer . . . a plea . . . and I see in my mind’s eye a sea of faces crying . . . frustrated . . . confused.  All of them so scared inside . . . unsure.

It all feels so big.  Sharing my dream feels so small.

But then I think of all of the times I was in a really bad place in my life . . . and how I’d search the internet trying to find something . . . anything . . . to let me know that I would be okay.  To inspire me to keep trying and keep going.  Often the places I would find the most valuable thing to me, would be some obscure blog post.  Just someone ranting or sharing something about themselves.  Maybe someone just being raw and real with no apologies.  Maybe someone just openly sharing their own fears or heartaches.  Those things would touch me so much that it would cut through my cold and have me sobbing with my whole body.  Those people saved my life and sanity on numerous occasions.

The countless anonymous people who have helped me with their words, will probably never have any idea what they did for me.  I wish I could have told them.  But the thing about being in a deep dark hole, is that you’re unable to gather enough strength to even click a *like* button . . . let alone shout your gratitude to the surface.

For those of you who are stuck down in that deep well . . . it’s for you that I write.  I got lost in my writing groove because I was unconsciously addressing the haters from my past who haunt me, and I was trying to prove myself to them . . . or help them understand me.  That’s not what I want.

The path that has lead me to this moment has been incredible.  It has been spent living in the valley of the shadow of death and chaos.  It has been spent without a voice of my own.

Slowly and surely I have been finding my voice.  Finding the courage to say the things I know inside of me.  And those things aren’t meant for those who would tear me down or try to hold me under water.  They aren’t meant for those who insist on seeing me as anything less than I am.  They are not meant for those who are bent on being offended instead of seeing the innocence in my words.

They are meant for others like me.  They are meant for the ones who have lost themselves.  They are meant for the ones who have lost their own voices.  They are meant for the ones who have been unfairly made to feel like they are worth anything less than they are.  Anyone who has felt unloved and unwanted by life.  They are meant for the ones looking for a light of hope.  The ones looking for a reason to keep going . . . to keep trying.

So yes . . . the feeling I felt when recalling my dream from last October felt big . . . and sharing the dream seems so small in comparison.  But not when I really think about my reasons for wanting to write and share.  Not when it might possibly reach the eyes of that one person who is desperately searching the internet to find something . . . anything . . . to help them not sink deeper into the darkness.  From that perspective, it becomes as big as my feeling of the collective who is crying out for help.

So when the dream tapped me on the shoulder this morning, I said, “Okay.  I will share it.”

This is from my dream journal dated Oct. 14, 2013:

I was in an ethereal type place.  I dreamt that a bunch of monkeys came in the house I was in.  One ran up to me.  When I went to pick him up, he was actually a little boy.  His left eye was a milky white, but not quite all of it.

He said his name was Tommy.  I said my name was Jennifer.  When I said it, the boy looked at some others there, and they nodded their head as if to say just go along with it.  They also said something about me being booked up for months out.  I said if I am, then why am I still working (referring to my current job).  I just got more confused looks like it had nothing to do with what they were talking about. 

So I started talking with the boy.  I told him that his eye was pretty cool.  He said that he was trying to make it so I would see it (trying to bring attention to it).  He very openly said that it was from trying to commit suicide.  Something about trying to eat cupboard food.

I kept looking him in the eyes, and doing a focused zoomed in thing that seemed to make the moment more surreal.  In that moment, the dream became more real than real life.  “Vivid” and “lucid” aspire to be that clear and present.

I said, “There is something special happening on Earth right now.  I know it’s hard, but you don’t want to miss it.”

We were walking along, and there was one other person walking with us.  Something interrupted us.  Then I found myself repeating to him, “There is something special happening on Earth.” 

The emphasizes in the dream was the message.  The boy who tried to commit suicide  . . . and me trying to strongly impress in him that I knew how hard it was . . . but he needed to trust me when I said that he did not want to miss it.  When I was talking with him . . . I felt so deeply in me . . . “don’t give up . . . hold on a little longer . . . this is something you really want . . . have faith and hold on a little longer . . . it’s going to be okay.”

I was aware of all of my own pain and struggle in my current life . . . I knew personally how hard it was.  But even bigger in feeling, was the understanding of what was really happening in the background.  That what was currently in the process of unfolding on Earth made all of the pain and struggle so small and powerless in comparison.  And strangely . . . there was even a moment of all of us knowing that we would all be struggling at this point in the process . . . and that we would need a nudge or reminder to keep going.

You can do it.  Keep going.

The sky filled with love.

The sky filled with love.

What about you?

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