Consciously Walking Between The Worlds

I have noticed lately that if I have my guard up at all, I start becoming incredibly sick almost instantly.  As soon as I drop it . . . insta-better.  It’s like a light switch in myself that I’m learning how to have conscious control over.  A bit like trying to learn how to wiggle your ears without moving any other part of your body.  A little weird, but so worth it.

When I feel scared or uncertain for extended periods of time, I tend to close up or put up a defense.  And while this did a great job of protecting me when I was younger, it’s now become a hindrance.

Ways that I know for myself that I’m operating with my guard up:

  • I feel alone and isolated from everyone else.
  • I feel colder and more cynical about life in general.
  • I can’t see the bigger picture
  • I can’t enjoy anything.  Everything gives me anxiety.  I don’t feel okay in my own skin.
  • I become hyper-sensitive to everything, allergies go berserk.
  • I start to feel exhausted in body and soul, and like I’m not going to make it to the “finish line”.
  • I can’t feel my emotions.  I’m intellectually aware of my emotions, but I can’t feel them in my body.
  • Life begins to lose meaning and I don’t feel like I have a purpose.
  • Comprehension skills go to hell.  My thoughts become disordered and disconnected.  Everything feels confusing and complicated.
  • I become paranoid/scared, and feel like the world and everyone in it thinks I’m a terrible person.
  • Insincere “love and light” comments make me feel violent.
  • When someone tries to force my attention away from me, a temper tantrum tries to happen.
  • The radius of my awareness is kept very close to me.  I’m trying to keep myself small so that no one notices me and potentially hurts me while I’m down and not able to defend myself.
  • I am only able to do the bare minimum required to get through the day.
  • I don’t feel like I *get* or can handle life.
  • An increased tendency to avoid things that I know I need to deal with.
  • Every little solitary thing I have to do in a day, becomes a HUGE deal.  Nothing seems to go smoothly, everything feels forced.
  • It’s hard to be in public at all, and I can’t hold conversations with anyone.
  • My self-confidence plummets.
  • I am unable to be present in the moment.  I’m not grounded in my body.
  • I have no desire to dance . . . not even alone in my room.
  • I don’t have the depth of air and strength to sing along with my music in my car.
  • I am unable to be creative.
  • I have no inspiration.

Physical symptoms:

  • My stomach cramps/tightens. (Upper half of my body feels separate from my lower half.)
  • Weak all over.
  • Nauseous
  • My throat feels like it’s trying to close, almost like it’s swelling from an allergic reaction.  Sometimes gets sore.
  • I start losing lots of hair.
  • One or both kidneys start to ache.
  • Zero.Libido.
  • Pain in my lower spine and tailbone that becomes intolerable.
  • My toes in my left foot start to tense and flex and hurt in general.
  • Difficulties in going to the bathroom.
  • Monthly cycle becomes hell on earth.
  • Weight gain even though I haven’t changed my diet.
  • My lower jaw tenses to the point of being painful.

I’m sure I’ve missed things, but that’s more than enough.  The fascinating part, is that they all disappear when I consciously work on dropping my guard.  It’s hard for me to define exactly what I mean when I say dropping my guard.  You could also say that it’s what people mean when they say that you are *opened* or *closed*.

The best way I know how to say it for now, is that one is living life through the perception filter of fear . . . and one is living life through the perception filter of love.  One is walking through life feeling inside like everyone hates or want to hurts you . . . and the other is walking through life feeling inside like everyone is a friend.

One is walking through life afraid of all the terrible things that might happen . . . and the other is walking through life excited about all the great things that might happen.

One is thinking that the details are all of existence . . . and the other is seeing all of existence in the details.

One is being dead before you die . . . and the other is making the decision to *want* to be here in life and coming to peace with it.  Quit trying to check out, escape, or wait for it to be how you want it before you’ll agree to engage in it.

If I have to clean the kitty litter . . . I can do it with my body all tightened up, and bitch and complain about it the whole time I’m doing it.  Squeeze myself small, trying to pretend I’m not actually standing there scooping up cat poop.  <— That’s an example of how we live life closed, small, shut down.  It has a physical effect on our body.  Do it over a lifetime . . . and cleaning the kitty litter just might be the death of you.

I love my kitties.  My kitties need the litter box.  I am their caretaker.  Therefore, it’s my responsibility to take care of it.  I am happy to.  I love having them in my life, and they’ve brought 6+ years and counting of total snuggle happiness into my life.  I *choose* to let myself feel joy in doing that for them.  It is my pleasure.  I had to practice it a bajillion times consciously before it became my natural response . . . but I did it.  And now my body is open and receptive to that task.  I don’t shut down and go dark in myself while I’m doing it.  I’m present and open while I do it.  I allow the smell to be there without shrinking in disgust.  It is what it is.  It’s a necessity of life.  It’s a part of experiencing life in a physical body, why do we make such a huge deal about it?

When I’m being vigilant and true to myself . . . I am like this in ALL of my household chores.  I enjoy taking my time being in the moment while vacuuming.  I might sing while I do it.  I might dance.  I let my imagination go free.  Who says we have to do those things all stressed out and upset?  That’s silly.  It’s a part of being here.  What would happen if kids grew up watching their parents clean, nurture, and take care of the home with such happiness and joy?  They would naturally want to help and be a part of it.  Plus, the house would literally be filled with love.  No matter where you went in the house, it would be oozing with love and care.

When things like cleaning my house became fun and joyful . . . a whole new world opened up in my life.  I quit dreading and trying to avoid life.  My health . . . which was pretty bad . . . completely turned around.  Instead of tightening my body trying to disappear and pretend like I wasn’t there or like it wasn’t happening . . . I let go and expanded my awareness so that I was always present . . . even in the face of cat poop.

So that’s what I mean by having my defense or guard up  – resisting or going against life . . . and dropping my guard – opening up to life and participating.  Not hiding from life and everything in it.

Since this post is already monstrous . . . here’s another list of some of the things I experience when I drop my guard.

How I feel when I drop my guard (or at least starting to drop it) :

  • Feeling summed up in one sentence: The sun comes back out.
  • I *almost* feel like I’m giving up, but instead of collapsing in on myself, I expand my awareness while staying consciously aware and letting it take me where ever it is I need to be in order to feel better, and then it slides into a surrender of what is . . . and I feel inside like I’m falling into love.  Sinking into a big warm pink and golden fluffy cotton candy clouds that soothe my entire body and being with acceptance and love.
  • I enjoy every single thing I’m doing. Everything becomes fun and a piece of cake. (yum.cake.)
  • My head feels completely clear, I can see whatever situation I’m dealing with inside out and upside down with clarity and ease.
  • All of the aches and pains leave my body . . . I start to feel weightless.
  • I start to hum or sing and/or dance without being self-conscious about it.  It just feels like the most natural thing to be doing in that moment.
  • I feel all of my emotions deeply within myself.  I call it “feeling with my whole heart”, because that’s how it feels to me when it’s happening.  All of the emotions . . . good or bad . . . feel good to have in this place.  It feels right.  It feels supported.
  • I feel at ease and like there’s no need to rush anything . . . ever.  In that space, I get about ten times the things done that I normally do in the same time frame, and with zero stress.  I call this magic.
  • I am fully aware at all times what is most important in that moment and what can wait.  I’m able to keep shifting priorities around in real-time with next to no effort.
  • My awareness feels like it’s all encompassing . . . it feels like it is everywhere and nowhere at the same time.  Everything feels open and full of opportunities and possibilities.
  • I feel an incredible warmth and love for every person I come in contact with, as well as humanity in general.  I feel incredible love and gratitude for each person just for existing.  It is a deep and genuine feeling.  It makes me want to cry actual tears of joy and pride . . . for . . . I don’t know . . . showing up?  I guess for showing up to life . . . for being born here at this time in our history . . . it’s very difficult to express this incredibly deep and yet insanely expansive feeling that just starts filling up my whole being.
  • I have no desire in me to try and change anyone.  I feel very safe and secure in myself and I’m okay with other people being however they are in that moment too, and zero feeling of needing to judge them.
  • I feel at peace inside.
  • Insight, visions, clarity, information, connections, ideas, inspirations, solutions, etc. become a continuous river flowing through me that I’m able to tap into at any moment for anything that may be needed.
  • I feel fully capable and confident in being able to handle whatever life throws my way.
  • My whole body feels very young again and like someone oiled all of my joints.
  • I can easily breathe fully and deeply.
  • I lose my weight almost overnight, even with no diet change.
  • I have tons of energy.
  • I wake up feeling excited about what new adventures life will bring me for that day.  What new thing will I find out?  What new idea will I have?  What new experience will I have?
  • I start becoming inspired with things that might be helpful for others.  I start seeing all kinds of possibilities of what I could do with my life that I couldn’t even begin to imagine previously.
  • I can’t wait to be around other people.
  • I’m not embarrassed about a single thing about myself or how I am in private or public.  The things I do arise from such joy that I just don’t care what someone else is thinking about it.  I become “Me” out loud and I feel like I have no choice but to be that.  The best thing another person could do with me in that moment, is to shamelessly join me in my ridiculousness.  If they have the courage and heart to do that . . . they automatically have my full love and affection.
  • I laugh.  A lot.  And loudly.
  • I love doing new things.
  • I lose all my fear of public speaking.
  • I’m able to be fully emotionally present for others, especially when dealing emotionally with things like death/afterlife . . . both physical and symbolic (life transformations).  I am very comfortable in that space, even in my joy.
  • It feels like everything around me literally brightens . . . and starts to *sparkle*.
  • I feel warm, loved, and fully accepted by life.  I want everyone to feel that way too.

It is possible to consciously move between these states of mind.  I’ve done it.  I do it.  I still teeter.  Things happen, I fall off the horse. . . . but I always find my way back because that’s a part of who I am.  Figuring all these things out, learning, practicing, determination, persistence, strong will, love, patience . . . helped show me who I am.  I didn’t let others decide for me who I am or what I need to do or be . . . I decided for myself.  I’ve picked myself up from failure countless times.  But I keep going, I keep trying because I know . . . I know the answer is out there and I know I can figure it out.  I believe in myself and I believe in life.

A puzzle I put together entitled "Searching for Peace".

A puzzle I put together entitled “Search for Peace”.

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