Breaking Open

The breakup was back in November.

But I still miss him.

I still love him.

Tonight’s crying has been the most heartbreaking so far.

The reality of what’s happened has only now seeped through the ice and defenses that have been my exterior, and reached my core.

So the crying is coming straight from my heart.

The kind of deep hurt that only comes when you’ve taken the risk of opening your heart fully to someone.

And then losing them.

And everything you had dreamed together.

And there’s nothing you can do about it.

I thought the failure of the relationship meant that I had failed.

That maybe I still hadn’t learned how to trust.  That I still hadn’t learned how to be open and vulnerable.   That I still hadn’t learned how to let someone into my heart.

But right now . . . as I sit here feeling like my whole world is crashing down on me . . . and like my heart is being shattered into a million pieces . . .

I am starting to see the gift that has been given.

I’m not feeling like this because I failed to learn how to trust or how to open my heart to another human . . . I’m feeling like this because I succeeded in doing those things.

The feeling is at once the most painful and most beautiful thing I’ve ever had to endure.

It feels like the most intolerable thing a human being could be asked to endure while still conscious.

But something that I’m only able to experience if I’m connected to my heart . . .

And with that realization, it becomes something so extraordinary and precious to the human experience.

Something I wouldn’t give up for the whole world.

I have spent my WHOLE life being afraid of love.

I have spent my WHOLE life trying to hide and protect myself from getting hurt.

I have spent my WHOLE life alone and afraid.

And as I sit here crying and curled up in the fetal position feeling the one thing I have most feared my whole life . . . I’m finding my heart again.

Through the fear and pain of the heartache, I can see and feel everything in me that is my love and heart.

And it’s all of me.

I had thought I lost my ability to love.

But no.  I love with all of me.  I love with everything I have.

As I’m feeling my heart come back to me I’m remembering why I cut it off.

The things happening in this world break my heart.

I can hardly stand it.

The things I see in the news . . . the way people treat each other just in everyday life . . . it makes me cry so deeply.

The way the school systems systematically crush the spirit and love out of children, and all we do is stand by and watch feeling helpless.

WHY ARE THERE HOMELESS AND HUNGRY PEOPLE!!! THERE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE!

What the FUCK is wrong with the people on this planet!?!?!?

What are we doing?!?  What are we doing to ourselves?!  And why?!  WHY DO WE LIVE LIKE THIS?!

I don’t understand, I’ve never understood.  My heart can’t handle it.

We let bad and stupid things happen to people because “that’s just the way it is”.  But why?!  Why does it stay that way?  It doesn’t need to be that way!  Goddammit it makes me so angry!

What the fuck has happened to us?

This is NOT how things are supposed to be!

This is NOT alright, this is NOT okay!  This is horrible!

The violence, the arrogance, the ignorance, the suffering, the heartbreak, the loss of hope . . .

Why?

Why do we all sit in our pain and suffering alone?  We are killing ourselves . . . we are dying inside . . . and we can’t see past ourselves in order to see what needs to change.

We are so frozen in fear that we are unable to help ourselves.

It tears me apart and breaks my heart over and over.

I used to cry alone all of the time when I was younger because of things I heard people doing to each other all over the world.

Why?!  Why?!  Why?!

Killing and hurting each other over things that don’t matter, that don’t mean anything!?  It’s so insane I can’t comprehend it.

Who FUCKING CARES if people are gay?!  I don’t understand what that has to do with ANYTHING that is important.  They are human beings!  And they deserve to be loved and nurtured and cared for and happy the same as the rest of us!  Any GOD who says that two people who love each other are in sin is WRONG.  I don’t fucking care who it is, I will tell any God to his face that they are wrong in this matter!

And nobody, NOBODY should be homeless or hungry.  No fucking body.  I don’t care if they are lazy, assholes, or straight up serial killers.  NOBODY should be homeless or hungry.  That’s not something you GODDAMN FUCKING EARN!  There are some things that each and every person should get to have no matter who they are or how they behave . . . and food and shelter are two of those things.  The third is love.  Everybody . . . everybody should be made to feel loved.

And the prison system!  We act like we have nothing to do with how the people in the prison system are.  We act like our decisions and choices as a community or nation have nothing to do whatsoever with the way the people in the prison system are.  They are nothing more than our scapegoats.  At some point in their lives they were neglected and failed by their families and communities and they are paying the price for all of our failures.  People are scared of them and judge them . . . but THEY are the things about ourselves that we don’t want to acknowledge or deal with.

Mental institutions?  Same thing.

And guess what?  It’s gotten so out of control that it’s catching up to us.  We won’t be able to run from ourselves anymore.  Everyone will start seeing how they are the very thing that they judge.  That they are the very thing they hate and fear in one form or another.  How this world isn’t real, only the souls and spirits in it . . . and how you treat the souls and spirits in it is of far more importance than anything physical you see.

{Sigh}

I love you.  I love each of you.  I can feel you in my heart, and your hurts are my hurts.  Your happiness is my happiness.  I don’t care what you’ve done in the past . . . I want you to know happiness . . . I want you to know love.  I want you to feel like you belong.  I want you to feel like someone would care if something happened to you.  I want you to know uninhibited joy.  I want you to feel seen.  I want you to feel heard.  I want you to feel like you matter.

Because you do.  You mean the world to me.

Comments

  1. Beautiful written sweet Jennifer ❤
    No words …..feeling a lot… its so true. Only with an( broken) open heart can you truly see.

    Much Love and a big (cyber) Hugggg for you ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
    Mirjam.

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  2. Love you Jennifer Roark….and Mirjam ❤

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  3. I feel as you do, and you express it so well…… Some of us feel things so very deeply, from the depths to the heights of emotion. It’s a gift to be able to feel like that. I don’t know what we can do about the world, except visualize it better and believe that one day it will be better, or if not, that we will be able to experience a more spiritual place or state of being, where people treat each other lovingly and things are the way they should be!

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    • So my initial attempt to reply to your comment . . . turned into a blog post. (Self Knowledge Is Self Empowerment) Sorry about that.

      I like reading your comments. Your energy is very calming, friendly, and sincere. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with the rest of us. Thanks ❤

      Like

  4. Just beautiful… I deeply understand…good on you for expressing your heart’s deepest truth hugs (((—)))

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Trackbacks

  1. […] morning I was responding to comments from my last blog post, Breaking Open.  And not for the first time when replying to a comment, I found that my reply was turning into a […]

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