I Feel Joy In The Darkness

When I am tuned into my center, the prominent energy I feel resounding in me is Joy.  I feel a mix of many other energies that also make up who I am, but if I had to give a one word description for what pulses in my being . . . it would be Joy.

Many times in life, I have felt ashamed or guilty for not feeling the appropriate feelings in a situation.  I have wondered what is wrong with me that I don’t respond emotionally to things like others do.  I worked hard to match the feelings of others so that I could learn how to be “right”.

I learned that when another person is having a hard time, it’s not okay to be happy.  I learned when another is happy, it’s not okay for me to be sad.  It was confusing to me that it wasn’t okay for me to feel whatever I was feeling without others getting really upset or mad at me.  So I learned how to block out my own feelings and make myself feel what I was taught was appropriate.  And that made me feel kind of numb and dead inside.

Whenever I try to just be who I am, I continue to run into the same issues that I have all along and I just want to understand.  I feel most secure and safe in life when I understand the meaning behind something.

A clear understanding struck me suddenly during a moment of contemplation.  I felt and saw myself in a generic situation where someone was in a dark place in their life.  Upon seeing them, I expanded and grew much larger and increased in light.  I felt my prominent energy of joy begin to course through me.

I saw how my feeling of joy in the presence of someone’s dark moment could be mistaken as inappropriate.

But I am not feeling joy because of the person’s pain and sorrow, I am feeling it because I am opening up and becoming more present to be there for them in their moment of need.  When I open up, more of my energy and who I am comes in . . . and who I am inside is joy.

When I feel joy when someone I care about is having a tough time, it is expressed as compassion and love.  It changes flavors depending on the situation.  I’m not sitting there getting giddy and giggling as the person cries.  But I will brighten and light up.  I will come alive, because that is a part of who I am and what I do.  I am of no use to a person if I dim or turn down my light so that we can both sit in the dark together.

Whenever I’ve been in a dark and cold place, the thing I could have used the most was someone else to hold and stand strong in themselves in the warm light with me so that I didn’t get lost in the dark.  So that I could feel safe in feeling my upset feelings, knowing that once I’ve felt them . . . the person there holding the light will be there so I can find my way back to my own happier place.

On a larger scale, it was also conflicting to me that the more that things begin to break down on a global scale, the happier and more alive I began to feel.  At least initially.  Until social conditioning kicked in and I began tearing myself down for being a total asshole.

But it’s the exact same situation.

I’m not getting off on the destruction . . . my soul responds by trying to come into being through me in order to help.  I experience my soul as joy.  The more pain and upset there is, the more my soul tries to come into being and the more joy and love I feel trying to come through me.  But then I start becoming afraid of my own “inappropriate” feelings and try to stop myself from feeling good and shut myself out.

I’m basically saying to my soul, “No!  No.  You do not get to come in here and help.  How dare you be who you are and feel joy and happiness with all the horrible stuff going on.”

And my soul is all, “WTF?! I can only be what I am.  That’s how I help.  I hold the space of joy so that others can face their dark night of the soul, and afterwards find their way back out.  Ya dumbass.”

So now I better understand what is meant when others talk about being a “beacon of light” and to “be myself”.  It doesn’t look or feel how I thought.  It doesn’t look or feel how I was taught.  It’s going to be misunderstood and judged wrongly by some.  But as the saying goes, what others think of me is none of my business.  I just need to understand for myself why I am like am, and why I do what I do.

Shining from within

Shining From Within

Comments

  1. Reblogged this on Emerging From The Dark Night and commented:
    A beautiful blog piece that really speaks to my soul.

    Like

  2. I liked this so much I reblogged it on my blog. Hope that’s okay. Beautiful.

    Like

    • Absolutely it’s okay, I’m totally honored. 🙂

      Also, with the Sun in Pisces . . . I’ve not been in much of a response mood (to comments), even though my chatter hasn’t gone away. But I wanted to at least acknowledge your comments . . . read them . . . LOVED them . . . sitting in Pisces bliss enjoying and soaking them in. Always a delight when you pop in. 😀

      Like

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