I Am Tired Of The Fight In Me

While driving home from my daily Starbucks run to get my grande chai tea latte, I had a soul-weary breaking moment.

Everything I’ve been facing these last weeks had finally gone past my limit.  Not my daily limit . . . not my monthly limit . . . not my annual limit . . . but my absolute limit.

The anxiety I feel every time I put something out there.  The endless questions and doubts it raises in my head.

The fear and the ‘what ifs’ from all of this had finally reached a breaking point.

Something in me gave up.  And then something else opened and said to me, “I’m tired of the fight.”

I felt the thing giving up in me, continue to lose ground.

The something new that was opening up was encouraged by this and said, “I’m tired of hiding.”

I felt the giving up thing crack all around me . . . I felt huge chunks of it fall away.

I took a big satisfying breath.

I felt my feelings surface as my body relaxed and let go.

Something new then said, “Others are going to think whatever it is they are inclined to think when they read or hear your words.”

More letting go . . . more surrendering . . . tears of relief filling my eyes.

” . . . If you’re going to be judged and misunderstood regardless . . . then why not let yourself just be who you are inside? ”

“. . . at least that way, you’ll know with complete confidence that you have nothing to be sorry for . . . ”

“. . . and whoever it is that you are . . . whether it be evil . . . whether it be good . . . what does it matter?  How can you expect yourself to be anything other than who you are?”

I expend so much energy trying to hide so many parts of myself from others.  All of the things that have tried to come out, and then were yelled at or told they were bad by others.  All of the things misunderstood . . . tighten themselves small and they huddle inside my core seeking protection.

Afraid to be seen . . . afraid to be judged . . . afraid to come out and find out that they are evil . . . hated . . . unloved.

I’m tired of the fight . . . the fight to keep those things hidden when I’m around others.

I’m tired of hiding these parts of me.

For me, they are my emotions.  They show my sensitivity.  They show how much I care.  They show how much others affect me.  And I am ashamed of them.

I’m ashamed of how easily I cry.  I’m ashamed of how much and how often simple things move me.

I don’t like how others respond to me when they see my tears . . . I want to say, “My tears don’t mean I’m weak.  My sensitivity doesn’t mean I’m fragile or that I need to be handled with kid gloves.”

If I’m crying . . . then I’m okay . . . I am in my power.  My strength and my power comes from my deep emotions.  My tears are my strength.

When I hide my tears . . . when I use all of the muscles in my body to stop them from showing . . . when I use even more muscles to keep from looking like I’m trying to not cry . . . then I’m not okay.  Then I am being weak.  Then I am closed.  Then I am not in my power.  I am hiding.  I am fighting myself to not be seen.

I keep waiting for a day when it’s okay to be me.  Waiting for others to be more accepting and understanding of each other.  While I wait for this fictitious day to arrive, I corral my sensitivity and feelings into the dark shadows and lock them behind a gate when I’m around others so they don’t accidentally pop out unexpectedly.  I seem to think this will up my chances of being accepted by others.

I’m sure others do the same.  All of us walking around with the parts of us that we hide in the shadows whispering, “Please accept me . . . please accept me . . . ”

My breaking point is being breached . . . and I can’t do it anymore.  I can’t hide any of myself in the shadows anymore.  I just can’t.

I’d rather die.

When I hide aspects of me, it already is a sort of death.  A slow suffocation.

But I also feel like I will die if someone sees me in my raw emotions.  It would almost be easier for me to go into the middle of downtown and strip down naked.

When I write that I am crying . . . I am literally crying.  There are actual tears happening.  But to most who know me in real life, my crying is like some myth.  Sure, you read stories about it . . . but you don’t actually ever see it for real.

For me to be healthy, I must feel whatever I’m feeling in the moment I’m feeling it.  I hate meetings or anything that forces me to be around a bunch of people, because then I feel forced to restrain my emotions until I can get away to a quiet place alone and feel all of the emotions I repressed.  If I’m able to.  Usually once I’ve halted my feelings, it’s hard to call it back to express it.  Which is why it is so important for me to feel it in the moment, so that it may leave me immediately.

If I were to learn how to be comfortable expressing my emotions no matter who I was with or how many people were around me . . . I would always wish to be in other’s company.  I would no longer need to hide away.

I am so reserved around others because I’m using all of my resources to keep my emotions from showing.  It’s exhausting for me to hold things in for too long.  However, too many times when I’ve let my feelings show . . . I’ve felt humiliated by the person or outright rejected.

I don’t think others doubt how strong I am.  But I feel many would be surprised by how much I feel . . . how much I care . . . how much I love . . . how much the world I see around me moves me.

When I go for walks alone . . . I may just see a butterfly in the middle of a field of grass . . . or two of them . . . and see them start dancing with each other . . . and I feel something so profound move through me, that tears will just start pouring down my face . . . and then it’s gone, but I’m left with such gratitude, satisfaction, and happiness for life.

All my Aries in the 1st house, my emotions are raw . . . I feel and emote with no filters.  They burst out of me in all of their rawness taking myself and others by surprise.  Not so much my anger . . . it’s my tears and my laughter.  I don’t know when it’s going to happen . . . I don’t know in advance what is going to move me . . . so I hold myself tight and rigid at all times I’m in public so that one doesn’t escape me and embarrass me.

The older I get, the harder it becomes to stop holding myself tight even when I’m alone.  I can’t be one way  at home and another way in the world.  I need to always be how I am at all times.  I’m always changing from moment to moment . . . while I stay constant in being myself.

It’s not something I will ever overcome . . . I either am expressing and living it . . . or I am suppressing and repressing it.  There is no overcoming it.  There is no transcending it.  Why would I want to?  It’s pure expression from my soul.

Why am I so ashamed of it?  I don’t know.  I don’t think it matters anymore.  I just need to start being it again.  No more analyzing it.  No more rationalizing it.  No more avoiding it.  Just start living it.

God I’m so scared of this.

Calling on my inner mommy tiger to help me.

Calling on my inner mommy tiger to help me.

Reporting Live From The Top Of The Rollercoaster

So the day has finally arrived.  dun Dun DUN! O.O

Transiting Uranus . . . is exactly conjunct my Ascendant.

Asc. 9 degrees 18 minutes? Check.  Uranus 9 degrees 18 minutes?  Check.

Asc. 9 degrees 18 minutes? Check. Uranus 9 degrees 18 minutes? Check.

{Why is she making such a goddamn big deal about this?}

I’ll tell you why . . . because it’s like trying to birth the ACTUAL planet of Uranus THROUGH my little human body.  And the labor has been going on for months.  I’m pooped out, but the universe is screaming at me to “PUUUUSSSSSHHHHHH!” this insanely chaotic energy through my being and to just *suddenly* be different.

Illustration helps move the story along (said some wise co-worker of mine in response to one of my novel length emails.)  So today I shall add lots of pictures.

There’s how I (may) appear on the outside to others during this transit.  And then there’s what is really going on inside.

Right now it feels like I’m at the top of a rollercoaster.  A rollercoaster that I don’t remember asking to get on.  A rollercoaster that is so high up, I have to have an oxygen mask on in order to breathe.  And I’m *jusssst* now reaching the tippety top . . . and getting my first view of what lays before me.

I’m not *quite* centered and ready for what’s coming, but I have no control over the situation.  Whether I’m ready and centered or not is irrelevant.  The universe has a schedule to keep, tick tock Ms. Jenn . . . . tick tock.

So there’s my inner child.  She’s looking around her to try and pickup from other’s reactions whether she should be terrified or just go with it.  Currently she’s doing this:

How little girl me feels about it.

How little girl me feels about it.

Next, is my Saturn . . . my inner parent and responsibility advisor extraordinaire.  Saturn is trying to apply the brakes, but realizing that someone greased them . . . and there’s nothing he can do about it right now.  So he’s applying the brake energy where it will be put to good use, and is in a constant state of trying to keep me from doing this:

How my natal Saturn feels about it.

How my natal Saturn feels about it.

But at the SAME time, my Sun/Jupiter in Gemini is looking around to see what fun we could have while we’re here and strapped in for the ride:

What my Gemini wants to do.

What my Gemini wants to do.

Except then there’s Pluto, the dark lord of the underworld, who is in opposition to transiting Uranus on my ascendant.  He’s also still holding a grudge over being demoted from full planet status, and has been plotting to take down the other planets.  So, he’s quietly whispering threats into my ear that nobody else can hear:

The pressure I'm feeling from Pluto.

The pressure I’m feeling from Pluto.

Which triggers all that terrorizes me inside, and nobody else can see:

What I'm now perpetually doing 24/7 in my head.

What I’m now perpetually doing 24/7 in my head.

And then there’s the star of the show, Uranus.  He’s like, “Guys!  Guys!  Guys.  Come on.  Keep cool.  It’s cool.  There’s no need to lose your head.  Just let me do my thing, and it will all be okay.  What?  Oh . . . the people coming at you?  Oh, you mean the people running and screaming in your wake?  Pffffft.  That’s nothing . . . don’t worry about them.  You’re not being weird or chaotic AT ALL.  Let them deal with their own stuff.  It’s not your fault they can’t handle your awesome.  We’re just going to loosen some things that have become stuck, that’s all.  Nothing major. {Stifled laugh.}

What Uranus wants to do.

What Uranus wants to do.

So yeah.  That’s happening.

What it means, is that I’m currently under radical construction.  I’m learning a new way of existing in my life.  And like a kid I’m having to try this out and that out, and it’s all going to be weird and awkward as I adjust and learn how to be this new thing.

While Uranus was transiting through my 12th house, he went through and cleaned out my closet.  He went through there like a goddamn tornado.  A 10+ year tornado.  Ripping up stuff I didn’t even know existed in there.  I don’t KNOW where that god-forsaken ugly green shag rug came from, Uranus, okay?!  Just . . . get rid of it.  God.

And while I’m actually looking forward to have him leave my closet finally, and ending my decade of hyper-sensitive oh-my-god-there-is-acid-running-through-my-veins-it-burns-it-burns-oh-no-that’s-just-Uranus-entering-Aries-while-still-in-my-12th-house-and-pumping-fire-electricity-adrenaline-through-my-entire-body-nonstop-and-forcing-a-new-self-awareness-in-order-to-survive reclusiveness . . . I’m feeling kind of iffy about what he’s going to do to my house of Self.

My suspicion is that I’m just going to be taking all of the things I learned while he was in my 12th house, and start personifying those lessons.  Bring those new ideas he planted in me all those years ago, and start showing and sharing them to others.  That’s my hunch.

So love me or hate me or don’t.  (Wait, what?)  Having gone through Uranus’s version of purification while he was in my 12th (and Pluto’s jaunt across my MC), I have a lot less . . . fear in me.  Things that used to trip me the hell out and cause me to go running and screaming to the nearest shelter . . . now has me going. “Eh.”  And not because I’m jaded or have given up, but because I was given perspective.

We (I) have been taking ourselves (myself) WAY to seriously.  There is serious stuff happening, yes.  But if you’re scared or stressed TOO much . . . you need to zoom out.  You need to expand and see from a much, much bigger perspective.  You can always zoom out further.  If you’re already out in space (also moi), then you need to zoom in.  You need to get more in touch with the details and day-to-day.  Get in body, get grounded . . . s l o w  d o w n.  Not everything you do is as important or as urgent as you’ve led yourself to believe.  It’s just not.

What does that last paragraph have to do with the rest of this post?  Nothing.  That’s what.

No Matter How Many Times I Fall, I Will Always Get Back Up

I had a thought provoking question asked of me that dovetailed nicely with a question I had asked myself last night as I fell asleep.  They were questions regarding my last relationship.

Driving into work (one of my ‘most likely to have an aha’ moment, 2nd only to the shower), the swirl of mess that I was trying to sort out suddenly cleared, and I was left with a single knowing or understanding within myself that hummed harmoniously . . . letting me know that I had found a Self Truth.

What attracts me to others?  I know there is a tendency to attract the part of ourselves that we don’t accept or reject.  (7th house)  But because my 7th house has been projectile puking projections on me since I was really young . . . those things people normally don’t accept about themselves and seek in others . . . I do see in myself and accept.  I have Uranus/Pluto there . . . I can be, and definitely am those things.  I am very clear about those being within me.  They scare me within me sometimes . . . but I see them.  I give them extra hugs.

My Venus and Mars in Aries are conjunct at 26 degrees.  I think this has more significance than I’ve realized.  My South Node is at 23 degrees Aries.  My feminine/masculine . . . they are together.  I know how to be whole.  I’m not bragging.  It’s not something I generally want people to know.  I tend to hide this, to protect it.  When I’m by myself and not in a committed relationship, I become peaceful and balanced inside.

I see Gemini as the one who reconciles duality.  Gemini is the sign of duality.  Gemini can be scattered and all over the place . . . and even moody . . . are you going to get the nice twin today, or the evil twin?  I have that Sun/Jupiter conjunction in Gemini.  (<– that’s like 20 people minimum) I then have those two in opposition to my Moon/Neptune in Sag.  An opposition is along the same lines as duality.  I have duality within duality within duality in my chart.  It is a chart of paradoxes.  For my sanity’s sake I have *had* to reconcile duality inside of myself.

I can see and hold so many angles and perceptions without conflict at one time, it should come with a circus soundtrack and confetti.

I am able to find peace . . . find happiness . . . find balance . . . all on my own.  I am able to self-nurture . . . I am able to defend myself.  Feminine/Masculine.  When you reach the kind of balance I have experienced, all of your needs are met within yourself.  I was genuinely joyful, happy, and full of life.  And it never ran out . . . it just kept welling up and through me.  So then my question to myself last night, was why did I bother getting involved in a relationship?  What was the point of that whole thing?  Why?

Which brings me back to my moment in the car.  The moment of clarity went a little something like this:

I felt so happy and whole before my last relationship . . . why would I leave that?  Now I’m having to limp myself back to that wholeness state . . . where I could’ve been anyways had I not got in the relationship.  That was stupid Jenn.  Why did you do that? {Puts one leg into her Wonder Woman underoos pants, careful to keep the other foot on the gas pedal of the car.}

Because I want a partner in life.  Not to help me become whole . . . but to be whole with me in life.  So why did you choose the person you did?  What was it about him that you saw?  {Carefully switching feet on the foot pedals of the car . . . starts to put other leg into her Wonder Woman underoos pants.}

: (  this is my owie getting ready to poke it’s head out.

While I love all of me . . . it’s been difficult finding someone who loves all of themselves.  And when someone doesn’t love and embrace all of who they are inside (and for real, not just to look good or to feel superior) . . . they aren’t okay with embracing and loving all of who I am.  And while I’m all for cooperating and finding a way that works for both (I actually tend to go a little too far in compromise much to my detriment) . . . what I’m not willing to do, is sacrifice who I am for another person.  {Scooches her underoos pants up over her jeans.}

So I get in a relationship . . . before long, I stop accepting who I am.  Yeah, the other person may blah blah blah and that has an influence on me having a harder time accepting myself.  But I don’t have control over them.  It’s my responsibility to keep accepting myself, even if it means the end of the relationship.  That’s not something someone else does to me. {Starts the task of getting her Wonder Woman underoos top on.  Over her sweater, need to look extra ridiculous.}

I live my life with my heart out on my sleeve.  That’s how I need to be.  I am strong . . . I am intense . . . I’m ridiculous . . . I’m silly . . . I can shift through 5 moods in one sentence.  For every single thing that I am naturally and at my core, I can find the negative side to them and the positive side to them.  The gifts and the curse.  I can see those in others too.  But I’m not seen back.  If the person isn’t aware enough . . . if the person doesn’t love themselves enough . . . if the person lives too much in fear . . . if the person identifies with their wound too much . . . if the person can’t see who they are under their own fear and worry . . . then they can’t see me.  {Underoos now on . . . straightening them out while keeping eyes focused on the road.}

And that makes me feel so alone in the world.

I self validate.  If they can’t self validate . . . then I become their crutch.

I self nurture.  If they can’t self nurture during times that I’m unable to be there for them . . . I become their drug.

I am guided by inner authority.  If they listen solely to authority outside of themselves . . . I don’t have their support in being and doing what it is I know I have to do.

I don’t want . . . no, I can’t become less than who I am in order to have a partner.  It’s not in me.  That’s not who I am.  My will to survive as ME will always win out in the end.  {Busts out the golden paper burger king crown she keeps stealthily hidden under the driver’s seat.}

I need someone as authentic, open, intense, and as powerful as me.  I need that so that I am allowed to be all of myself when I’m around them.  If they aren’t . . . I will inevitably have to sacrifice myself in order to have a partner.  That’s not the other person’s fault . . . that’s just the fact of the matter.

I can only find that by being unapologetically me when I’m with someone, and letting them be responsible for their responses to me and both working through the things that come up.  {Waits for a stoplight to assemble the gold crown.}

But that’s where my fear resides.

How many times can a person, being who they are, be rejected . . . and continue to love themselves?  Especially when they’re the only one believing in themselves.  I don’t want to be self-delusional, so every time that happens I tear myself apart to find my part and my responsibility in the situation, and I work hard to heal that part of me.

I get back to a place of balance and love for myself . . . I try again . . . I fall again.

I cycle through again . . . am I being delusional . . . am I being fair . . . is there something in me I’m doing that I’m blind to?  Rip . . . shred . . . no mercy.  Get back to a place of balance and love for myself.  Get back out there, and try again.  {Gets crown on.  Checks in mirror.  Hair sticking out everywhere?  Check.  Ears sticking out like a dork? Check.  Nods and smiles confidently.}

I have been doing this for as long as I can remember.

I fall, I pick myself back up, and I try again.  I fall, I pick myself back up, and I try again.  Always changing.  Always improving.  Always taking responsilibty for my part.  Always looking at the situation from the other person’s point of view.  Refining my rough edges.  I fall, pick myself back up, and I try again.

I have been absolutely ruthless with myself.

I have learned a lot.  I didn’t actually get to the full wholeness within myself until the Summer of 2012.  I found my personal magical combination that unlocked the real me inside.  And from there I could see I wished to have a partner to share life with, while in this awesome place of wholeness.  When I met the man from my last relationship, I saw that possibility.  The stars were aligned . . . everything magical came perfectly into place.

And then I fell.  Again.

But this time . . . something different did happen.  I did learn how to open my heart while in a relationship.  I learned how to overcome that fear of being who I am while I’m with someone.  That was a goddamn miracle all by itself.  But as with all Pluto lessons . . . I *still* have no control over other people.  Just because I got to that space myself . . . does not mean my partner automatically would. {At next stoplight, opens the glove box to pull out her long yellow yarn hair ribbon.  Nay . . . not hair ribbon . . . her lasso of Truth.}

And same lesson with my son . . . there’s nothing I can do about the other person.  I can love me with all my heart . . . I can love them with all my heart . . . but that does NOT mean, it will work out.  It doesn’t mean I will get my wish.

So this last smackdown still smarts.  The higher you go, the harder you fall.  But I had to take that risk.  I had to take that chance.  I didn’t want to live my life having to close my heart every time I got close to someone just because I’m terrified.  So I took the chance.  I still got rejected.  It’s not personal.  It hurts like hell, and I’m having to self nurture like I’ve never had to do before . . . but it wasn’t personal . . . he just wasn’t in that place . . . that’s nothing to do with me. {Parks car.}

So I am now picking myself back up.  I’m taking in the lessons learned.  I’m pulling myself back together . . . gaining back my strength . . . getting my feminine and masculine back in balance and talking nicely with each other.

This one smarted enough, that I have WAY less trouble speaking up for myself.  Which . . . is one of my “things” for this life.  The sabian symbol for my Sun sign at 12 degrees Gemini is:  “A Slave-Girl Demands Her Rights From Her Mistress“.  Where I stray . . . is when something happens that results in me having to be smaller and less than I am . . . I fold.  My brain tells me that it’s me “being fair” . . . after all this is a relationship and you can’t be so stubborn.

Well, fucking duh, Jenn.  You are stubborn.  Why is that so bad?  Why do you love your stubbornness alone . . . but suddenly it’s a problem around other people?  Why do you do that to yourself?  I misunderstood compromise and fairness.  It doesn’t mean you stop being that part of you . . . it doesn’t mean you hide that part of you around that person . . . it means you discuss it openly.  {Looking into the vanity mirror, starts putting on her Strawberry Shortcake lipgloss.  Now she’s ready.}

Anytime I’ve discussed a misunderstanding with another person, and we were BOTH open and receptive (vs defensive and arrogant) . . . a solution that was a great big win for both people was able to be found.  And in the process, each got an opportunity to step up their game and GROW as individuals.  But it only works when both are being open, honest, and willing to grow.

I’m not requesting that someone change for me.  I’m requesting that they grow with me.  You have to have a certain amount of humbleness and flexibility.  If you always have to be right . . . it won’t work.  If you think you’re perfect and I’m a spaz for constantly seeking to grow and improve myself . . . it’s not going to work.  If you don’t trust my motives or are suspicious of me . . . it’s not going to work.  If you’re not willing to take a chance and look like a TOTAL FOOL . . . then it’s not going to work.  {Gets out of her car . . . stands there for a moment with the car door still open, staring into the distance . . . contemplative.}

I’m not static.  I’m not a ONE, SINGLE, THING that you can tie me down with.  I will always . . . always continue to strive to grow and improve and change.  I don’t plan on one day saying, oh . . . I’m good . . . I’m going to just stop doing things now.  No.  That will never be me.  If you want someone who will always be one way, that’s not me.  If you want someone who will always be contained . . . that for fucking sure will never be me.  If you want someone who isn’t going to do embarrassing things . . . that will never be me.  {Puts a foot up on the door jam, looking like Captain Morgan on the Spiced Rum bottle.}

Ok . . . so I fell down again . . . and yeah I sometimes feel like a total ass for opening up like that and falling on my face.  But only for a few seconds.  I let myself feel embarrassed and humiliated . . . and then it passes . . . and then I see all the great awesome that I gained from it.  I see the places I could improve.  {Lifts chin up in strength, defiance, and resolve.}

And then I start getting my ass . . . back . . . up.  And I will try again.  The odds are totally in my favor.  One of these days . . . it will happen.  One day, I will find that someone who sees all of my insanity, my weird quirks, my intensity, my ugly face cry complete with slobber, my 5am get the fuck out of my face, my love and passion for life, my waaaay too fucking loud laughing, my big kid ridiculousness . . . and they will love me BECAUSE of all of those things.  {Wind starts blowing through hair.  Looking majestic as fluff.}

I just know it.  I just know one day I will find that person.  And until then . . . I’m not fucking giving up.

Some Scorpion Love.

Some Scorpion Love.

One Lovely Blog Award Nomination – Show Me Who You Really Are

I don’t know wth is wrong with the reblogging feature or if it’s me, but either way I’m going to do this in a convoluted *special* way. 🙂

Show Me Who You Really Are has had the honor of receiving a One Lovely Blog Award Nomination from An Upturned Soul.  To see the original post on her blog with the nomination (pssst . . . she says all kinds of cool things about me), you can go here ONE LOVELY BLOG AWARD NOMINATION – SHOW ME WHO YOU REALLY ARE – I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE HIDING.  IT’S TIME TO COME OUT AND PLAY.

one-lovely-blog-award2

WWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Okay . . . so there’s actually more that I need to do for this award, but I’ll do that at my own pace and as I calm the hell down and can think in a more linear fashion.  For the rest of this post, I’m going to put what I originally typed in the “reblog” (that obviously failed . . . it’s now floating lost in hyperspace somewhere).

And for the eleven-fiftieth time . . . many thanks to An Upturned Soul.

Holy hell I cannot even begin to tell you what this means to me.  But I’m going to try anyways.  First, I want to thank An Upturned Soul (btw, that’s not her real name ; ) for nominating me for the One Lovely Blog Award.  Here’s her site An Upturned Soul <— do yourself a favor and go there.  One of two big reasons this means so much to me, is because I respect the hell out of this woman.  If she just passed these things out like candy, it might not have meant as much to me.  And if I don’t respect someone, their recognition doesn’t mean a whole lot to me.

While I may (or not) seem to be over-reacting to something that seems relatively simple . . . I’m not.  Not for me anyways.  In fact, for me, I’m under-responding.

See this is actually a momentous moment for me in my life.   This was posted early yesterday morning (my time in Seattle, USA) . . . and I’ve just now got my head back on straight enough so that I’m capable of reblogging this.

I’ve been recognized before in my life.  For business things.  For playing flute well technically.  As in, not because of my own creativity, but because I was good at playing well like a robot.  (Not quite that severe . . . but point being, it wasn’t because I was some musical creative genius.)

My blog.  My writing.  That’s something that’s coming straight from my heart.  That is something of myself that I am putting out there for others to do what they wish with it.  In astrology, that’s 5th house, Leo, Sun.  And see . . . I have Saturn, restrictor/task master (stick in the mud) in Leo in the 5th.  It’s the house and sign of kids, creativity, heart.  When you do something from your heart, it is like your kid.  It’s an offering from your heart.  And for that . . . doing something from my heart and receiving recognition at this level . . . that I haven’t had happen before.

I don’t do it for recognition.  I do it because I need it . . . because something in me has to.  But people’s responses still affect me strongly.  That’s my heart hanging out there flapping out in the breeze for crying out loud!  How would people’s responses NOT affect me?  :D

So for me personally, having Saturn in that place . . . and having put a lot of work into overcoming my fears in order to share my heart despite the terror it invokes in me . . . and then to get recognition like this . . . THAT is why this is such a huge fucking deal to me.  It’s hitting and soothing all kinds of fears, hurts, and damage done over the years of my life.  So yeah, I’m having quite a huge response over this.  I did something that scared the living shit out of me, with no expectations of ever having any outside validation . . . so when it happened, it absolutely knocked my socks off.  You should see the retarded stuff I was responding with in the comments shortly after she let me know about the nomination. (Edit to add: Reply where Jenn loses her ever loving mind in excitement)  I wasn’t making ANY sense.  :D

An Upturned Soul . . . I don’t know if you’ll ever know or understand what you’ve done for me just in the short time we’ve been in touch.  Just by openly sharing things with me, you have showed and reminded me about more of myself in this short time . . . than I’ve been shown for the sum of my life.  I can’t even keep up with sharing back to you what the things you’ve said have been showing me because it’s so much.  Like when you said I wasn’t looking for followers, I was looking for playmates.  Oh!  Yes!  That’s what I was trying to say . . . I didn’t realize that’s what I had been trying to say until I read that from you.

Or in a recent comment you said that I didn’t forget what it’s like to be a kid . . . girrrrl . . . you’ll be hearing more about that in a post later.  I totally, fucking, forget about that part of me.  I forgot the kid part of me.  I am a giant.ass.kid.  And I’m trying to behave how I see other adults behave . . . and that’s not me.  That’s never going to be me.  No wonder I feel so goddamned closed tight in a box . . . I’m trying to play grown up the way other people play grown up and it doesn’t work for me.  But see?  I couldn’t see these things about me.  It’s these simple, seemingly obvious things about me that I haven’t had others say to me . . . and so I couldn’t see them.  One day I’ll be able to describe what I mean by that better.  Point is . . . you just being you, and not trying to help me, and just being real . . . is exactly what I was needing.  All it took was a couple of simple nudges for me to go OHHHHHHHH!  Now I remember who I fucking am.

It’s a mix of timing from the universe, and it just taking this long to run into someone else who has also put in enough hard work to uncover enough of themselves that they could see outside of their hurt too.  You may not know how rare you are, but it took me over 36 years to run into one of you . . . so, it’s pretty uncommon.  Even though I’m sure a lot of it had to do with the circles I was hanging out in.  So meeting you also marks a point in my life where I can see that I’m moving out of my old patterns and cycles and into a new life.

Thanks.  For all of that, and more.  Really, I’m just saying thanks for being you.  That’s made all the difference for me.

If You Think Your Poop Don’t Stink, Then You Can GTFO

It’s important for me to interact with others.  It’s from interacting with others, that I am able to see myself more clearly.

However for that to be effective, it requires a couple of things.

The person needs to have a certain amount of self awareness.  They need to have a working knowledge of who they are distinct and separate from the others around them. (<–why did I word that like a job description?  I am so weird.)

The person also needs to have a certain amount of openness and trust of others so that they aren’t so closed up and defensive about every little thing that comes out of someone else’s mouth (especially before attempting to understand what was actually meant by the person).

These things are important to me for many reasons.

I am effectively blind to myself.  I need feedback and reflections from others regarding what they see when they interact with me.  I know I have a 1st house full of Self.  But I also have very few aspects to that house from the rest of my chart, so it’s kind of an island out on its own.  I also have an asteroid (and if I have the time I’ll look up which oddball asteroid it is) in my 1st house, that basically describes just that . . . I can’t see me.  I don’t just have blind spots . . . I am completely invisible to myself.  I require the assistance of others to help me see me.

So . . . when I was younger, whenever someone said something to me about me I believed it.  I tried it on for size to see how it fits.  It gave me something to work with, where as before I had nothing.  Eventually I would find all of the ins and outs of what I was told, as well as how much was true for me and how much was actually true for the other person.

My initial motive and interest with others in life, was for no other reason than to *see* myself.  Not in being better than others.  Not in being less than others.  Not in having power over others.  Not for the million reasons that have been projected onto me for why I am like I am or why I do what I do.  In the past, I have been the scapegoat and evil villain in many stories . . . and I did believe them to be true (for the reasons others gave) because I had not been shown that I was anything other than that.

I feel like I have lived life a little inside out from others.  Like I backed into life upside down and inside out.

My 7th house has Uranus in Scorpio and Pluto conjunct the descendant in Libra.  The others in my life, were not very open and honest about what was really going on.  They were completely focused on looking good for others, not in being honest, open, and real.  So these are the people I looked to growing up, in order to understand who I was.  I was very reliant in feedback from them to know myself.  I did not know that they weren’t being open and honest with me.  I didn’t understand that sometimes things are said out of fear or anger and aren’t necessarily true.

So, if in a fit of rage someone were to direct it at me and say, “You are so fucking stupid!”  . . . I fell apart inside, because I was wide open and accepted everything as truth.  The naiveté of Aries.  It went straight to my core, it became my identity.  I couldn’t readily undo it.  I might walk around for months hearing that yelled in my head and feeling crushed because I was such a disappointment.

Now is that the fault of the person who did it?  Not really.  I mean, yeah it’s a pretty crappy thing to yell at a kid . . . but the missed opportunity in that moment when I was younger, was in it being explained to me that the yelling had everything to do with what was going on inside that person and was their thing to own and understand.  And that my response to what they had done, had to do with something going on inside of me that would be valuable for me to learn more about . . . to become aware of and understand for myself.

The person yelling, cannot be held solely responsible for how everyone else responds to them.  How can that one person keep in their head how every single individual is that they come in contact with (including ones they haven’t even met before), and adjust (hide, restrict, suppress) themselves accordingly in order to not offend or hurt anyone?  That’s absolutely insane.  And yet that’s exactly what most of us are taught to do.  (Is there any wonder that projection runs rampant in modern day society?)

But back to me.  (<– yep . . . I am the center of my universe.  Where else should I be . . . the center of your universe?  That’s silly.  That’s where you’re supposed to be.)

So anyways, growing up consisted of everyone throwing their shit at me.  From a very young age, I was first made aware of my dark side.   I grew up in a constant state of fighting to come to peace inside with the fact that I was the devil incarnate.  Not in a defensive way . . . but in the way that innocent children do all things, openly and with their whole heart.

Some people grow up thinking they’re the bees knees and that their shit don’t stink, and later in life have to come to terms with facing the stinkiness of their shit.  Whereas, I grew up thinking only my shit stinks, and everyone else’s was roses.

I *think* my soul knew what it was doing when it chose this life, but the jury in my head is still out on that.

So I get my dark side.  I get other people’s dark side.  Btw, this isn’t a challenge from me to you.  I’m not interested in proving this to anyone.  It’s exhausting and it has become boring.

However in order for me to become balanced and whole, my challenge is to now come to peace with the lighter side in me.  I rarely have that reflected back to me because I need to change how I interact with others in order to stop inviting the people into my life who refuse to acknowledge their OWN dark side and shadows, but are happy to continually point out mine.

It has been incredibly helpful to me for others to reflect my dark back to me so that I’m aware of that part of me, but I’m quite done with it.  I get it.  I’m TOO aware of it.

Being around more self-aware people means that they are less likely to try to project and make me own their own demons.  I’m not expecting perfection, not by any means, but if the other person doesn’t have enough awareness, then I become battle weary in trying to deflect incoming demons being lodged at me from behind their wall of “NOT MINE EVER!”

I need the person to be open and trusting.  Not wide open and over trusting . . . but coupled with enough awareness in order to be able to discern for themselves whether an issue is truly their own.  They need to be open to seeing their own darkness (and furreals . . . not in a distant objective detached philosophical sort of way).  Not blindly accept it, but not blindly deny it.

At the very least, be capable of having an honest discussion in order to further distinguish and understand for both of our sakes.  There are instances where something new happens in an interaction, and I honestly don’t know whose “thing” it is.  If it’s mine, I want to know.  I want to be able to own it.  If it’s not mine, I want to know.  I don’t want to own something that isn’t mine.  It’s not about winning/losing for me.  It’s about truth, openness, and honesty.  Because nothing feels better to me in the whole wide world than to be me . . . all of me . . . the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I just want the goddamn truth.

Much of this is has to do with my Neptune/Moon conjunction in Sagittarius.  I feel comfortable and at home when Truth is being spoken.  I feel safe and okay to be open (intimacy . . . moon in 8th house), when there is Truth between me and another.  It is no surprise to me that I find so little comfort in this world . . . there is so little Truth being spoken.  So many are hiding from themselves and each other.  It also relates to my Gemini Sun conjunct Jupiter in my 2nd house.  I feel secure when I understand.  I don’t want to judge and rule people for Christ’s sake . . . I just don’t feel safe at all when I don’t understand what is really going on.

Not only that, but regarding Gemini Sun/Jupiter conjunction . . . that is a lot of damn light(ness) going on.  But where is it?  {Looks around innocently with hands up in question}  Where’d it go?  Where is the fun, silly, light-hearted part of me?  Well . . . that’s my current quest.  I’ve lived a life thinking I’m only Pluto . . . that I’m only my shadow.  I’m now more interested and motivated to explore my lighter side.  My fun and laughter side in order to round out my understanding of my shadow.

I’m only now beginning to be able to communicate more effectively to others what it is I’m needing in relationships, because whenever I’ve tried to explain it in the past, it was taken in a completely different way than I meant it.  It took me some time to sort through all of “the requests from me/responses from others” within myself over the years to see how/where/why communication broke down.  (And btw, a shoutout to An Upturned Soul who has been tremendously helpful for me recently with her voicing her own struggles, in helping me become more clear about what it is I’m trying to communicate/say.)

For example, I’m not interested in blind praise.  I think I can thank Saturn in Leo for that.  I’m not looking for someone to puff up my pride.  I don’t need you to tell me I’m pretty or that I’m special or that I’m awesome.  Mostly because I don’t understand what that means or what is meant by that.  Often general statements like that are also projections.

I think you’re pretty {because it’s important to me that I be called pretty, it’s something I value . . . so I’m giving you a compliment by saying you’re pretty.}  Except that’s not a compliment to me.  It doesn’t actually mean anything to me.  So if you wish to say it because you really feel it, then please do.  What I learn about you from that . . . is that you value looking good.  And that’s cool.  I’m actually glad to learn that about you, because it’s something about you that is different from me.  I value *that* understanding more . . . than the fact that you think I’m pretty.

But if you’re only saying I’m pretty because you assume that’s what I value and what I want to hear from you (in order to get on my good side so that you can get something from me), then that is not seeing me.  That’s you seeing me as an extension of you.  I don’t want to be you.  I want to be me.  I want you to be YOU.  I don’t want to be someone else’s illusion . . . I don’t want others to be an illusion to me.  I want TRUTH.  I want REAL.  Not niceness and kindness for the sake of niceness and kindness.  That’s . . . ugh . . . it is so limiting!!!

I am interested in seeing you for who you are and NOT as an extension of myself or to use you in an attempt to validate my own self illusions.

So to wrap this up . . . before my head starts spinning like the exorcist, going forward I’m going to be actively approaching life in a new way so that I’m able to start seeing the lighter and brighter side of me.

This means my response to others will change.  I’m not asking others to change their response to me.  You just do what you do however you want to do it.  But what you get back from me going forward, may be different.  I’m going to make sure I’m all extra awkward and weird about it too.  (<– not really try to be, it will occur naturally)

I will though, be holding others responsible for themselves.  I don’t want to hold other’s garbage for them anymore.  I’m also tired of keeping my mouth shut so that I don’t offend anybody.  I’m totally expecting and accepting that I’m going to piss people off.  I’m going to offend.  People will leave here with their panties in a wad.

Not because that’s my intent or focus, but because that’s a common response when people get stripped bare.  I have been getting stripped bare my entire life.  Don’t think I don’t know how it feels.  That’s ALL I know.  But now, if you come around me, by default you are going to be stripped bare.  That’s all I want in my space.  Openness, honesty, trust.  I need everything to be out in the open.  That’s where I feel safe.  That’s where I feel okay.  You want to be in my space, then that is what you can expect.  It’s your choice to come or go.

Okay . . . not everything . . . for example, I don’t need to know that you like to play with barbies while you sit on the toilet.  I’m open to having a discussion on what I even mean by “everything out in the open”.  If you were being defensive, you may have responded with “I’m not telling that bitch EVERYTHING about me!  Who does she think she is?!?!”  If you were being open you may have responded with “I wonder what she means by that?” and if it was important enough for you to know . . . you’d ask me.

My focus will be on staying true at all times inside and out.  And just because I’m not all sugar and spice and everything nice in my communications, is not so much because I’m evil . . . but because I’m striving towards always being true.  I care more about truth than I do in looking like the good guy. I always have.  That is what is at my center.

So, if you need others to always be nice and kind and sweet with you because you are fragile and sensitive and you think that is what it means to be respectful . . . then you can GTFO.

If you think being passive with me or tip-toeing around me means I’m not going to call you out on your shit when you’re shoveling it . . . you can GTFO.

If you’re more interested in playing the victim your whole life instead of doing something about it, then you can GTFO.

However, if you’re interested in starting to see what is real in life and what is true both in others and yourself, then GTFIH (Get The Fuck In Here).

If you’re interested in learning a new way of being and of being in relation to others, then GTFIH.

If you’re interested in seeing what experiencing life in a fun and warm-filled way is like, then GTFIH . . . and let’s hug it out!

funny-cat-cone-head

Drop That Mad Bass

{head bopping}

{foot tapping}

{head bopping more}

{foot tapping travels up the leg}

{hips start to move}

{shoulders shifting}

Commence full blown chair dancing.

It doesn’t matter if I’m driving . . . if I’m standing at a crosswalk . . . or sitting at my desk at work making Excel spreadsheets my bitch, if a song has gotten into my blood . . . *this* bitch is going to dance.

The crazy part is that I’m actually quite shy.  And also I hate to be seen doing anything silly.  If I’m anything but composed, I go crimson red.

But music . . . oh man . . . music does something to me.

I grew up in a military family, so I don’t really have a single place to call home.  For 5 of those wandering years, I lived in the deep south of the USA.  It was during the 80s when rap and thumping bass started to make it’s arrival onto the music scene.

Booming bass.  O.M.G.

Get a song with good bass and rhythm . . . and it’s just not.possible for me to sit still.  If I do, I’m in an emergency state of sadness and someone needs to perform emergency ridiculous dance moves and force me to join in.

When a good dance song comes on, my body starts to move on its own.  It centers from the center of my hip area and radiates out.  It’s in the deepest part of my bones.  It’s in all of my muscles.  It’s in my blood and runs through my heart.

I played classical flute for 20 years.  I received many medals and recognition for the short time I played in organized music groups.  The feedback I consistently received was my uncanny ability to keep time.  Rhythm.  It would be hard for me to *not* keep time.  It pounds from my inner being and outward through the rest of my being.  Tick . . . Tick . . . Tick.  Well for classical music it ticks ticks or hums me into a place of mystical enchantment where the sirens sing and play.  I move more towards soft floaty places.

But for bass dance songs . . . it B  O  O  M   r a d i a t e   r e v e r b e r a t e s  my whole body open.  I become very . . . very.  .  .  g r o u n d e d and present in body.

I don’t have to do shit . . . I lean into it and surrender to the energy and force that comes from some secret doorway in the center of my being . . . and in response to the music it courses through and moves my body for me.

That is . . . until my mind gets in the way and I become self conscious.  Not because I’m worried about what they think about my goofy ass made up dance, but because to me it is like being seen naked in public.  In that moment I’m completely unguarded.  You are seeing me uninhibited.  The same state that others typically only feel when alone naked in bed with another human.  That’s my feeling and experience when I feel the music take me over.  It is so personal and intimate to me.

Same with my singing.  I can barely squeak a note out when anyone is within a mile of me.  My throat starts to constrict and become dry.

But in the car alone, with all the windows up . . . oh sweet baby jesus . . . my whole core opens up wide and the force of which I only experience in those rare moments comes roaring from deep within me and shakes my whole body like a plane going through turbulence and wind shears.  Something more than just a need to sing is coming through me.

I’ve spent years just getting to a place to feel safe enough to sing that openly when I’m by myself.  I’m not sure I’ll be able to get much past that in this lifetime.

But my dancing.  I’ve made more progress there because, who cares what I look like.  Maybe to me it feels like I’m naked in front of everyone.  But they don’t need to know that.  Plus . . . it feels too damn good to just let it out.

{head bopping}

{foot tapping}

( ( ( ( ( ( B  O  O  M   r a d i a t e   r e v e r b e r a t e ) ) ) ) ) )

( ( ( ( ( ( B  O  O  M   r a d i a t e   r e v e r b e r a t e ) ) ) ) ) )

Drop The Beat

( ( ( ( ( ( B  O  O  M   r a d i a t e   r e v e r b e r a t e ) ) ) ) ) )

Pity Party Is Over, Everyone Out Of The Pool!

Confidence.  Confidence.  Confidence.

It feels good to have.

I’ve been swimming the seas of over-passiveness and by this point my inner aggressor is drunk on margaritas and face down in the pool, “Wooooot” ing into the water along with a feeble attempt at fist pumping the air.

It’s time somebody sobered up that SOB and let her know that the pity party is OVER.  Everyone out of the pool!  Put your drinks down and get your ass up and get dressed.  We’re going to town.

Having been in that place with no to little willpower, low self confidence, lack of motivation and passion for a little while has been instrumental in helping me understand what I’m up against.

For one, I understand better that when I go all BraveHeart on people and they just look at me and go . . . “eh.”  That it really isn’t personal!  They currently aren’t *able* to feel what I’m saying.  That totally helps me understand the Pluto in Libra on my descendant.  It’s Libra, an air sign . . . intellect.  It’s Pluto, a water sign . . . emotion.  I run into powerful people who intellectualize their emotions instead of actually feeling them.  Not only that but I also have Uranus in the 7th house . . . an air sign, in Scorpio . . . a water sign.

Well OMG that explains a lot.  Those poor jerks aren’t actually feeling the things I feel . . . no WONDER they aren’t able to support me or understand what I’m going on about.  I hand my power over because I thought they knew better.  They can talk about the same things that I do, and so it *sounds* to me like they understand what I understand . . . but they don’t actually experience and feel the things I do.  I believed more in their intellectualized version of what I’m talking about, than I believed in my own actual experience of what I’m talking about.  Every time I’ve done that, I’ve lost my own self confidence and power.

I’ve gone from being able to feel those things, to NOT being able to experience those things (and now on my way back).  When I’m not able to feel or experience those things, and others try to give me pep talks or rouse me up, I’m just not able to experience a reaction in my body at all like that mechanism doesn’t exist.  It feels like you’re dead inside except that you’re suffering in endless anxiety and pain.  {shiver}  It’s a place of being SO passive, that nothing is able to rouse you or get you going.  You just suppress EVERYTHING that might make you respond in a way that is anything less than perfect.  Ugh!  Yuck!  No!

You can keep it . . . you can have your self righteous, perfect model of a citizen, repressed, dead of feelings, superiority complex, isolated, alone, and misunderstood life if that’s what you want.  If that’s your idea of a “win”, then knock yourself out.

{Spitting the rest of the taste of bitterness and death out of my mouth}  So gross.

That’s not the life I know and love.  Mine is fun, warm, full of life, and varying degrees of awesome.  You can come join me in mine, but I’m no longer going to go join you in yours.  That place is literally.hell.

That is a miserable, miserable place.  I feel like I need to take endless thousand degree showers to wash off the cold and ick from being there.  It is SO AWFUL.  It’s just endless torment and gray skies and aloneness.  It’s endless competition for who hurts the most so that the other wounded have to suck it up and help the most hurt.  It’s an endless cycle.

Everyone there thinks they ARE their hurt.  You can’t heal or let go of your hurt if you think that’s who you are.  Otherwise every time you try to open and let go of it, you lose yourself (or who you think you are).  So you are perpetually wounded forever!

I have Chiron (deepest wound) in my 1st house of Self.  If ANYONE in the zodiac is going to feel forever wounded inside (if that were a thing), it would be the person with Chiron in their 1st house.  But guess what?!  I am able to heal mine.  The memory of it doesn’t go away, but the pain does.  That pain and ache DOES heal.  It CAN be healed.

It may be in my 1st house, but it is NOT who I am.  Chiron is actually that thing in us that we were so good at . . . SO EXCELLENT at, but one day when we had reached our most awesomeness in that thing . . . something happened . . . and we fell.  When you’re up that high . . . you are going to fall and it’s going to hurt.  The thing that you did best, becomes your deepest wound.  So you become haunted with this memory of having been able to do *that* thing . . . but alas . . . you’ll never be that again.  So it hurts . . . it stings.

To heal that wound, you have to work to become that thing again.  Will you ever be the same as before the fall?  No!  And you don’t want to be!  That’s why you fell!  Arrogance!  You got too big for your britches (and I’m mostly talking to me) and thought you were all that and a bag of chips . . . and then something came along and knocked you off your high horse . . . and the humiliation and even the idea that you could be knocked down or defeated . . . is such a wound to your pride.

When you start to heal from that wound, you start to gain back the things that went missing in you because of the initial wound happening.  But this time it’s tempered with wisdom.  You now have an understanding that you aren’t infallible.  You aren’t going to be that same prick that you were the last time you were at that level . . . and if you do start to fall back into it . . . your wound will be poked and you’ll start to fall again.  So in that respect, no the wound never leaves you.  However, it serves a huge purpose by keeping you honest and on your path.  It helps keep you from making the same mistakes.  If you feel your wound getting touched . . . you better check yourself . . . because you’re falling back into old habits.

But what Chiron’s wound *doesn’t* mean, is that you are doomed to feel that hurt for your whole life.  No.  Just, no.  That’s incorrect.

My wound being in Taurus in my 1st house conjunct all my awesome Aries Venus/Mars and Taurus Mercury, is my ability to speak up for myself.  My confidence in myself.  My ability to defend myself.  It’s in my fear of being left alone when I do speak up.  It’s in not being supported by others when I speak my truth and what I feel and experience in my body to be true.  It’s about how I HAVE to speak and live those truths or I become ill and start to die inside.

It heals when I stop looking outside of myself for validation.  It heals when I find the courage to stand alone in what I feel and know to be true inside me . . . even if everyone walks away from me.  It heals when I do this, but ALSO stay open and receptive to others.  It heals whenever someone tries to convince me that how I feel is wrong or incorrect, and I stand in myself and say, “No.  For me this is true.  And it’s no less valid than how you feel.  I get to feel this and I get to let this be my reality and not feel bad about it.”

And when it heals . . . I feel such love and peace in me.  I drop all pretenses and defenses . . . and I’m okay with how everything is.  It’s all fine just the way it is and I wouldn’t change any of it for the world.

I go in and out of that.  So sometimes you get a Jenn that’s all open and sunshine and sometimes you walk into a Jenn that has all the doors slammed close and is freaking out inside.

I will get back to that place of peace.  And I will learn how to stay there always so that you’ll always encounter the open and sunshiney Jenn.  I hope to someday gain that wisdom to stay there.

Because confidence feels good.  It feels like you are on top of the world and like NOBODY can bring you down.  And it is hard to NOT become arrogant in that space.  I start getting a swagger in me.  I start walking down the sidewalk like I’m on a perpetual catwalk.  Me.ow.  Yep, I’m on fire and I’m about to take this whole place down to its knees.  Until a second later where my wound gets poinked and then I’m in internal freakout mode and start to shut down.  Then I just look like a quivering rabbit trying to dart out of sight of the eagle coming down to get me.

But it feels even BETTER to be in that space, and to be open and humble.  It feels a million times better.  I feel more trusting of life.  I feel more trusting that I’ll use the power I gain from my confidence in a positive way.  That I’ll use it to make the world I live in a better place.  As long as I’m in that space of being, I won’t feel any of the pain of my wound.  But if I stray even one iota . . . down I’ll go.

This is what my confidence and power feel like inside of me with no apologies:

I Support Who You Really Are . . . Not Your Dysfunctional Behavior

One way that I make myself smaller around others, is also how I become an enabler.  In an effort to be supportive and understanding, I don’t speak up when I hear someone saying something that they *think* is their truth . . . but I can clearly see that it’s a line of thinking that is keeping them small.  There are many other reasons I do it.  I don’t want to be a know-it-all.  I know that most likely they’ll say, “No, no that’s not it.”  At one point I started to think that I should just let them figure it out for themselves . . . which leads me back to being supportive and understanding.  Which I seem to think means always agreeing with what someone is saying.

I can be supportive and understanding AND say how I see it.

There’s also a time and a place.  When a person is having an emotional breakdown . . . that’s a good time to let them say whatever the hell needs to come out of their mouth.  A good old fashioned rant.  It doesn’t have to make sense, it doesn’t have to be rational . . . it just needs to come out in the open and be said so that it doesn’t stay inside of them and poison them to death.

But if I have a friend who is repeating the same thing over and over for 50 conversations or over a period of years, and I can clearly see how it’s limiting them and keeping them from accomplishing what they want to accomplish?  I’m going to say something.  I see the quotes online about “a real friend . . . ” and then a bunch of stuff that sounds all romantic and beautiful . . . but it’s the behavior of an enabler.  It’s how we keep each other in our boxes.  To me,  I feel like I’m being more supportive and more of a friend when I help pull them out of the illusion that is keeping them small.

We have become so afraid of offending someone.  I remember being in a bookstore with my mom in the 90s, and laughing our heads off at a book full of politically correct ways to say something.  Someone isn’t short . . . they’re vertically challenged.  Bawahahahahahahah!  We were laughing at how ridiculous this “politically correct” way of speaking was becoming such a thing.  Guess what?  Once upon a time, when I was in school and someone was being an idiot . . . we weren’t afraid to say, “You’re being retarded.”

Also, now with the bullying thing, we’re afraid to be truthful to anyone because we don’t want to hurt their feelings.  Discernment people.  Discernment.  There is bullying and yes that is hell on earth for a great many people, and YES that needs to be addressed.  But accepting people for who they really ARE . . . and supporting people’s dysfunctional behaviors are two different things.  I support YOU . . . but I do not support the dysfunctional behavior that is preventing you from being who you ARE.  You are NOT your dysfunction.  “Oh, but what if this is just how I am.”  Well, if you’re miserable and bitter and suffering and complaining . . . then I have news for you . . . it’s NOT who you are.

So many times I can see, clear as day, what is going on with someone.  How they’re limiting themselves.  How they’re getting in their own way.  How they’re trapped in an illusion.  And when the moment is right, I say something.  And then what I get is an onslaught of no that’s not it, no but this is why I do this, and that doesn’t work for me, and I tried that before.  Just on and on.  All of the self-justifications they tell themselves that keeps them exactly in the place they profess to not want to be anymore.

And that’s when my need to understand gets in my own way.  I start listening to all of the things they tell themselves for why that isn’t true . . . and then I fall into their illusion with them.  Then I hear myself repeating that for them too.  I also figure that they must know themselves better than I do . . . so I don’t say anything more.  That, my friends, is one way in which we enable and keep each other down.

Sometimes I don’t know why someone is struggling.  That’s when I say, “I don’t know” and I just keep listening.  But then there are moments that I see with clarity (Aries) exactly the situation.  But where I disempower myself, is that when the person tells me that I’m wrong (oh, no . . . that’s not the reason why . . . blah blah blah) and then I back off . . . I lose confidence in myself.  I start to doubt myself and my clarity.  I start to get lost in the fog of confusion along with my friend.  Then I start falling into similar situations as them.  Then I find myself trying to climb back out of the hole on my own without them because they don’t want to see the way out.  Then I feel guilty for leaving them in the dark.

So I am realizing, that me speaking up when I get those moments of clarity IS a part of who I am.  And instead of folding and going down the rabbit hole with my friend, I need to stand my ground in what I know to be true.  I’m just not someone who can stand there and watch someone take themselves or others down.  I just can’t.  When I do, I have to lose that part of me that is like that.  My will, my confidence, my passion for life.  I have to sacrifice those things in myself when I stay around someone who is doing that, but refuses to see it or to do something about it.

I don’t want to lose that part of myself ever, ever again.  So if you’re looking for a friend to support you indefinitely in your self limiting illusions . . . then I’m not the person you want as a friend.  It’s nothing personal.  It’s just not who I am.

I want to be surrounded by people open to life and open to growing.  People who are humble enough to see their own faults and own up to them.  People who support and appreciate me, the real me, and who also try to hold me to that standard.  If you see bullshit in something I’m saying, call me out.  Be open to discussing it in a non-defensive manner.  Don’t go all passive on me.  Call.me.out.  I appreciate and respect that.

I do not wish to be surrounded by people who insist on being closed down and victims their whole life.  People who are still repeating the same complaints now as they did 20 years ago.  People who are more interested in getting attention for their struggle, than in actually doing something about it to improve their lot in life.  It’s FINE if you don’t want to change.  I don’t care.  If that’s your *thing* then have fun.  But.  I don’t want to be around it.  I don’t have to be around it.  I get to make that choice for myself and it has NOTHING to do with accepting someone unconditionally or not.  I do accept them.  I accept that they are like that.  But accepting or loving someone unconditionally does not mean you have to be around it.  That’s THEIR choice to not grow or change.  Not mine.

That whole, “you can’t control others, you can only control your response to them” is exactly what that’s about.  You can’t make someone change.  They have to make that choice.  If their choices make it so that you become less of yourself or starts to harm you . . . you need to make a choice yourself.  To stay and continue the damage and be an enabler (which again . . . isn’t a judgment, it’s simply an option and a choice), or to chose to not be around it.

It may be misunderstood, it may make them angry, it may make them retaliate . . . and that’s because they’re scared.  They’re scared they can’t do it without you.  And that’s normal . . . that’s expected.  But how are they ever going to move past their fear if they never have to face it or push through it?  People need to be tested.  People need to be challenged.  If you keep helping them *just* because they’re scared . . . you are limiting them.  I don’t know how many times I’ve found that the very thing that scared me the most, is the thing I needed to be running towards . . . not away.

For example, my son struggles with the idea of trying to make it on his own out in the world.  He’s scared he’s not going to be able to do it.  So he comes up with a million logical reasons why he has to procrastinate it or not do this or that at all.  He’s scared.  If I become scared with him, and don’t push him because I’m afraid he’ll fail too . . . then I’m enabling and limiting him.  Because I know for a matter of fact, that getting out in the world is exactly what he needs to do.  He has a Capricorn MC just like me, so I know that he needs to do this process in a slow and steady manner.  So I slowly and steadily point him in that direction.  I see he’s scared . . . but I know he can do it . . . so I continue to march along with him showing him the way.

People may think they don’t want to be called out on their stuff . . . but when it happens . . . the result is usually a feeling of relief.  Like finally!  Someone isn’t letting me get away with my own bullshit.

I feel that to be more loving and supportive.  A short moment of awkwardness or discomfort . . . but then growth and forward movement for both.  Much more satisfying than a lifetime of suffering and zero growth . . . but hey . . . at least I always agreed with ya.

funny-statue-bull-stilts-sculpture

Uranus Has Something He’d Like To Say

unique opportunity has presented itself to me.  I currently have an infrequent transit happening in my natal chart, and I’m really feeling the effects . . . so I want to document what I’m experiencing as it’s happening in the name of astrological studies.  : )

Uranus takes 84.3 years to take one lap around the Sun.  So unless I live to be approx. 120 years old . . . this is the last time I will experience this transit in my current life.

Uranus is currently transiting Aries 9 degrees:

Transiting Uranus currently at 9 degrees 0 minutes 15 seconds (Source: www.astro.com)

Transiting Uranus currently at 9 degrees 0 minutes 15 seconds (Source: http://www.astro.com)

My natal ascendant is Aries 9 degrees 18 minutes:

Transiting Uranus at Aries 9 degrees Crossing the Natal Ascendant.

Transiting Uranus at Aries 9 degrees Crossing the Natal Ascendant.

The actual documenting of me becoming aware of me experiencing this is in the post (and comments section) Remembering My Will To Live.

One of the most noticeable things I’ve noticed for me, is my increasing interest to talk about astrology in my posts.  That feeling started Jan 9, 2013 with my post Wanting To Be A Graceful Swan, Destined To Be A Goofy Dork.

However now as I understand what this new feeling in me is mostly related to, I can remember the post where I felt that first distinct shift beginning to happen in me, and it was in my post The Hum Of Life from December 30th.  Transiting Uranus was at Aries 8 degrees 39 minutes.

If some patient soul were to read my posts from shortly before that post until current . . . I wouldn’t be surprised if the reader experienced (or at least recognized) how I’ve been experiencing the approach of Uranus to my ascendant.  It actually feels to me like someone who was alone and far away from the rest of humanity . . . and started to come closer to where everyone else has been hanging out.  Flashbacks of Sesame Street just came back to me.  ( . . . . Far . . . Near . . .)

That feeling of being far off from everyone else . . .  like I can’t quite connect to the rest of the world as an individual . . . not being of this world . . . that’s how I experience Uranus in the 12th house.

The feeling of coming to the party . . . of being present and being part of a bigger group . . . is how I’m experiencing Uranus moving towards my 1st house of self.

It’s making me experience life in a completely different way.  Right now, it’s kind of intense in my head (ruled by Aries).  It feels like electrical turbulence trying to go through my head . . . or an electrified charge building in intensity.  Last night, I was getting shocked by everything I touched.  Whether it was to unplug an electrical cord or just trying to pet a cat . . . everything my hand came in touch with got zapped.  Uranus rules electricity.

{Note:  Something else started to happen here when I was writing the post.  I slipped into another state of consciousness and was just typing like a madman.  I was aware that I had gone into this state, but I had no desire to stop or go against it so I just let it run its course.}

. . .

I’m having to be even more conscious about staying open and letting everything flow through me vs. trying to stop anything flowing through me and trying to examine it.  I either “open wide” and just let stuff through . . . or start immediately suffering the consequences.  It quite literally feels like I’m trying to open my entire being both energetically and physically, to let something big come through.  Just like when giving birth.  It’s taking the same kind of focus, resources, and discipline as it took when I was in labor with my son.

Which makes sense . . . that’s the doorway you cross when you’re being born . . . from Pisces to Aries.  Aries is the natural ruler of the 1st house and the Ascendant.  Birth.  It’s the moment in time when a woman opens the doorways between *here* and *there* within herself during “labor” to allow the soul to come into this world through a physical body.  Same mechanisms in energy are in play here.

The best thing you can do in labor or whenever you’re in any incredible pain really (emotional or physical), is to surrender to it.  Let go of fighting it.  Let go of resisting it.  When you’re in labor . . . that shit is happening no matter what.  It is pointless to fight it.  But pain scares us.  So when we feel it coming on and we start to get scared, what do we do . . . we tense.  That makes it FAR worse.  Have you ever been in pain, like when you stub a toe (son of a !$%$*&), and decided to open up to the pain?

It’s hard because we instinctively tighten our body against the pain because we’re scared of it.  I promise it makes it worse.  And surrender to the pain, doesn’t mean you numb or ignore it.  That just deadens you to the pain.  No, what I’m talking about, is when the expected tension of pain starts to register . . . go into the pain.  Open up to it and surrender to it the same as you would when you experienced bliss.  If you’re ever able to overcome your instinct to cringe or fight the pain, you will experience something completely different than pain.

I did exactly that with my monthly cramps.  They used to be so bad that no amount of pain pills helped.  It was so intolerable that I was pushed to the point of trying a new way.  It took me about 6 cycles to finally shift it within me.  Each month when it was at its worst, instead of pills, I would go into deep meditation and talk to my body. “Let go . . . stop fighting . . . let go . . . stop fighting . . . it’s okay . . . you’re okay”.  Each month began to ease.  Then one month . . . I felt the muscles in my body start to do their thing . . . and my instinctive response was to “Let go”. . . and my body opened up.  And far from experiencing pain . . . I moved into ecstasy and a connection with the divine.  (Neptune/Moon conjunction).

Women’s mysteries.  We gotz them.  But we can’t access them or our power while we are in fear.  Guess why certain factions want to keep women disempowered and shut down.  Why there’s been a smear campaign against women in history . . . trying to make them feel like they’re less than they are.

It is no longer my belief that a woman’s cycle should be a source of shame.  It is a source of our power.  It should not be painful and something we tolerate.  It is where we renew our connection and ability to bring life and nourishment into the physical plane.  There is nothing more satisfying than connecting to life . . . it is meant to feel good . . . not be painful.

One way for you (if you are a female in your child bearing years) to know whether you are closed or shut down to the source of life and to receiving, is if you experience painful monthly cramps.  Or maybe you are numb or unaware of that process in you completely.

Why is the World so lacking in care, nourishment, and love?  Because Her women have been shut down.  Women bring that into the world for all of us.  Shut them down, disempower them, disrespect them, leave them to fend for themselves, force them against their will, treat them like they’re worthless, fail to protect them from harm . . . and eventually we all pay for it.

We are a world out of balance from what is natural, seeking equilibrium.  It doesn’t mean we have to go back to living in caves or log cabins in order to get back into balance.  But we have to find how to become balanced in the world we are in . . . in a different way than we currently are.

The universe is always seeking equilibrium.  Currently we have moved too far into the energy of the Masculine, Yang energy.  Too much repression of the Feminine, Yin energy.  There is not enough heart, not enough feelings, not enough caring.  What do we do when someone is sensitive?  We make fun of them.  We tell them to man up.  We see it as weak.  As if to be caring and nurturing are weak.

We don’t allow for things to be.  Everything is forced.  Everything is something to be controlled.  Schedules, goals, feelings.  We are raised from a very young age to tune out your natural way of being and flowing through life naturally in a trusting and open way.  Do this now.  Do it this way.  I want my company to make this much money by this day.  We don’t stop and listen to our inner compass to feel what should be happening at any given moment.  We force ourselves against it.  That is too much masculine energy.  That is how we lose the feminine energy of just being . . . of letting things be what they are . . . of letting things be when they need to be.

That is how we’ve become out of balance with nature.

I can still be running a company, making lots of money, and be in balance with my inner nature.  But it means being more in touch with your feelings and inner compass.  It means learning when it’s time to yang and when it’s time to yin.  There’s a time for action . . . and there is a time for just being.  When everyone is in touch with those things in themselves, then they are able to be individuals within a collective and everything run flawlessly because the universe knows what the hell it’s doing despite what we think.

When your focus is strictly on something like making money, or becoming powerful, or becoming famous instead of what should actually be happening in any given moment based on each of our natural flow, then success can become illusive.  Whereas if you had just been present and done what was needed at any given moment (by being present and aware), you would have obtained success effortlessly.

Trying to force an outcome and make things happen how you think they should happen is how you get in your own way.  That is your ego thinking it knows better than the universe how things need to happen in order to reach your goal.

We are so focused on trying to make things be a certain way or for the process to look a certain way, that we become completely blind and deaf to what is actually being asked of us by life.  We’ve moved too far towards our head and too far from our heart.  You need both in harmony and connected in order to function effectively.  Basically the blending of masculine and feminine.  The divine marriage.

Why are so many men becoming so sensitive and effeminate and so many women are becoming more assertive?  Because that is nature’s way of correcting an imbalance.  We’ve become so blind by ourselves, that we sit and argue over whether a male being gay is an evil sin or not . . . instead of seeing that it stems from an imbalance in the masculine over the feminine.  The “sin” is that the interaction between the masculine (patriarchy) and feminine (matriarchy) is so far out of balance that mother nature is having to overcorrect to such obvious degrees.  Condemning the individuals and groups that are the NATURAL result of that imbalance, and who are in fact part of nature’s solution to correct that imbalance is the sin in that scenario.

Who are the most furious and hateful towards homosexuals?  The mindset of a select group of white males.  Who is in power and the most out of balance with the feminine energy?  The same select group of white males.  They are the ones so far out of balance, and yet they condemn the homosexuals who are here to try and counteract the imbalance caused by the select group of white males.  It’s not the homosexuals themselves that they should be afraid of, it’s what they represent.  They are letting those in power know, that their time is coming to an end.  And they have absolutely no say in it.

They don’t want to lose “perceived” control over Earth.  But you do not own a woman like an object.  You do not control a woman against her will.  If you are in power, it’s because she is letting you be in power . . . not because you have conquered her.  Earth is being very merciful and patient . . . trying to give as much warning and time as possible for those out of balance, to change their ways.  If their pride and arrogance refuse to change and bring things back into balance.  Then she will end it.  She will fuck them up to bring the suffering they are causing the many to an end.  Hence the increase in natural disasters.

There is too much focus on the signs of trouble, being the cause for the trouble, instead of seeing that they are simply markers . . . warnings . . . not the things themselves that are causing the trouble.

It’s also a sign to the rest of us who came to help during this time, to stop allowing that shit to continue.  Stop taking it.  Stop pretending like the insane logic that rules our planet is okay or that you’re helpless against it.  You absolutely are not.  If every single one of us who have suffered from this imbalance were to start standing up and gaining self knowledge and clarity and what we know to be true for ourselves and then holding ourselves to our truths . . . then those currently in power and enforcing their will onto us . . . would lose all of their power over Earth.

Question why you do what you do.  Why do you continue to live in suffering?  What could you do different in each moment to break out of that cycle and change how you live life . . . how you experience life.  How we all experience life.

WHO MADE ALL OF THESE DUMBASS RULES THAT DON’T WORK FOR THE MAJORITY OF US?

And why do we continue to just do them instead of finding a new way that works better for us . . . that works better for all of us?  Why do we continue to do the same things over and over when they hurt us?  There is always a different way.  There is always a new way.  We never have to settle with “that’s just how things are”.  Ask yourself WHY are they like that.  What’s the reasoning behind it?  Does it still apply?  Is there a new, better way?  Talk about those ideas.  Find the courage to try those ideas no matter how small and insignificant you think they are.

Well then.  If this post is any indication of what’s to come during the time period that Uranus moves across my ascendant and into my 1st house of Self, then the world may need to brace itself for me.

Remembering My Will To Live

Do you know what I remembered about myself today?  The only time I get angry . . . and I mean like Wrath of Jenn kind of angry . . . is when a true injustice is happening and needs to be set right.

You know what else I realized about myself?  I *don’t* believe that the actions of a person necessarily say what kind of person someone is.  People often say, “Actions speak louder than words.”  Well . . . okay.  But does that make them more accurate than words?  Is it not possible that the same thing that fuels a person’s words can also fuel their actions . . . and both be just as wrong or right?

I understand what is meant by the quote.  That there is talking about something, and then there’s actually doing something about it.  But some people are meant to use their words . . . and some are meant to take action.  Not everyone is meant to do both.  But that’s getting off track.  I was simply wanting to point out that I see flaws in this quote, so since I’m going to tear it apart anyways . . .

It’s easy to make a swift judgment about someone based on their words or their actions without bothering to even understand their motive or what drives them.  That’s the lazy way.  Or.  That’s the fearful way.

I’ve been watching a Korean drama series called “The Great Queen Seon Deok” on Netflix.  And as often happens in my world, the things I happen to be watching or reading at any point in my life, have circumstances play out that ends up having the characters talking about exactly the things that have been on my mind for that day or even the hour before.

Yesterday, I was wondering what had happened to my will.  Why has my will and confidence waned in the last year?  How do I get it back?  I have loads of Aries Fire . . . will, initiative, drive, fight . . . so where is it?  And why can’t I even seem to get myself into an anger fit over having lost it?  I actually miss getting angry.  I miss caring about something so much that I’m willing to go to battle over it.

The conversations between the characters last night touched on this subject.  The “evil” woman-in-charge in the show (who eventually the Great Queen opposes), said that there are two things we can do when we become afraid.  We can run.  Or we can get angry.  (And then me being a back seat driver said, “Or you can freeze.”)

But this supposed evil woman (who really has quite a bit of wisdom, even if misguided) really got me thinking.  She basically had said “fight or flight” . . . the survival instinct . . . Aries.  But because she had worded it differently (or the translator did . . . unsung heroes), it helped me see outside of my box.

Later in the episode, it showed an action the evil woman had taken to get her way.  The villagers were running away in fear . . . victims . . . helpless.  Even the royalty were bending over and taking it.  But then this one dude in the Princess’s guards lost it when his parents were like . . . “maybe we should have you marry into her family (evil woman – not princess) in order to keep our clan safe for future generations.”  The dude was like “What?  WHAT?!”  And then his mom was like don’t lose your cool, don’t act irrationally, etc.

Then the guy earned my respect when he DID become calm . . . but also very focused . . . and VERY sure about himself.  He was *confidence* and *calm* incarnate.  He said, “No.  No.  FIRST (said every Aries ever) you get angry.  FIRST you let yourself feel the anger of what is happening.”

I think it was at this point I started crying.

He wasn’t going off like a berserker and mindlessly going on a killing spree.  He was using his anger in the way it was intended to be used.  To change how things are.  Anger is an energy that is needed in order to take action to do something that needs to be done.  But I feel like there’s this assumption that anger means we go to war.  Yes, if you lose your goddamn head (Aries) you can find yourself writing checks your ass can’t cash and end up in costly wars.  But temper (Libra) and discipline that Aries energy . . . and you have someone who is going to make change happen that is long overdue.

The dude (who shall be referred to for the rest of my post as “my hero”) went to the princess and the “secret” princess pretending to be a man in the guard, and was all “Seriously?  Seriously?  Don’t tell me that you’re sitting there in fear.  Because if you’re sitting there wimping out in defeat, I’m outta here.”  And then you saw the secret princess pause . . . and then something lit up in her eyes.  And I started cheering at the TV.

I KNOW that look.  That is the look of determination.  That is the look of, “oh HELL no you did not just mess with my peeps.”

All it takes is that one person . . . that ONE person (Aries) . . . to spark that fire in others.  That’s exactly what Aries is . . . the spark of life.  Of the three fires in the zodiac (fire is inspiration), Aries is the spark that initiates life.  It’s the moment we are born.  The moment new ideas are born.  (Leo & Sagittarius are the other fires).  It’s the crossover from the divine (pisces) into life (aries).  Aries is the start of spring.  New life.

Aries/Mars is also the will to live.  Your will to live.  Your reason for living.

I have a LOT of this in me.  But when you have lots of something, you can take it for granted . . . not understand what you have that others are missing.  I have experienced the last year, what it feels like to have it go missing.  And o . m . g . you guys.  It sucks.  It sucks ass.  It sucks ass bad.

I have always struggled with my temper and my anger.  I don’t want people to be scared of me.  I don’t want to scare people.  I want to help and protect them.  But my temper and anger is often misunderstood.  I’ve worked so hard to  . . . well I guess honestly to overcome it . . . to try and transcend my anger.  For some reason I took my anger (which is the same energy as my will, confidence, passion) to be something bad or wrong with me.  A civilized person doesn’t get angry.

And that’s exactly what all these royal “people in charge” were trying to tell my hero.  That the way he was feeling was wrong.  And he was all, “Nope.”  {swoon}

Aries are also the leaders in life.  They’re the ones who are willing to stand alone in what they believe, and say, “This is not right.  This is not okay.  I cannot stand by and continue to go along with this.  I need to take action.”  Anger . . . serves . . . a VERY important purpose.  And if our response is ALWAYS to repress it in the name of being “civil” or even “sacrifice” (here, marry our enemy) . . . we will as a whole, lose our will.

We will lose our will to live.  We will lose our fight . . . our spirit.  We will lose all of the fuel needed in order to make true change happen in our times of need.  You aren’t being civilized just because you aren’t raising your voice.  You aren’t being a good person just because you are being passive.

And I LOVED my hero’s point.  He wasn’t saying to throw diplomacy out the window.  He wasn’t saying that you don’t sit and think things through.  He was saying FIRST . . . you let yourself feel your anger so that you have clarity and understanding about what is really happening.  That is the epitome of Aries . . . and my Aries Mars and Venus were crying, cheering . . . feeling validated for probably the first time ever.  That it’s okay.  It’s okay that I am that way.  It serves a purpose . . . there is a use for it in our lives.  It is not something that fell away with the days that we were “barbarians”.

How do you know how you feel about something really, if you don’t let the initial emotion that comes through . . . come through.  My Aries outbursts are immediate . . . and then gone.  I mean gone gone.  I don’t hold grudges.  I erupt with the initial feeling at a situation . . . that tells me without filtering or rationalizing, what I REALLY feel about something.  Then it’s gone . . . but then I’m left feeling very clear about what it is I need to do.  It’s like a super power.  My level of awareness and focus goes into supernova and I know exactly what.the.fuck. needs to happen.  And it does happen.  It will happen.

An immature Aries person might do it without thinking and hurt and run over people.  But I’ve been disciplining the hell out of my Aries, and I’m fully aware and present when I’m in that state.  I am able to continue to stay aware of what I’m doing, even as I’m managing and putting out 10,000 fires.  This is what my anger, my temper, my Aries does for me.  It’s what makes me a superhero in my own story of life.

When I try to hide it, or suppress it so that I don’t intimidate or scare others, or because of other’s judgment of what they think it is . . . I lose a very, very important part of who I am.  Without my fight and passion . . . I am not me.  Without my heart and love for those in my world . . . I am nothing.  I become nothing.  I accomplish nothing.  I lose my will.  I lose my fire.

My actions become ones from a place of fear.  I buckle under pressure.  I lose my voice.  I become afraid of taking any risks or any chances.  I become a victim of life.  I do what I’m told without argument.  (<— that’s an action)  I do all kinds of things I don’t agree with because I have no fight or strength to do otherwise.  (<— that’s an action)  I only do bare minimum to get by or survive (<— that’s an action)  But . . . those things are not me.  That’s a broken Jenn.  That’s not a Jenn on Fire.

There was a quote in a recent post of mine that said that with my North Node Libra, I would find in me a great ability to give will to others where there was none before.  And when reading that, it had made me cry.  I didn’t know why it touched me.  But after feeling so worthless and “wrong” and bad my whole life because of my passion and will . . . and then seeing that there is a need and a purpose for that very thing in me . . . I feel validated in life and for my existence in the highest degree.  That it’s because of those very things in me that have been feared, shamed, repressed . . . that make me such a valuable and needed person in the world.

It’s like having wandered the wilderness alone my whole life, wishing for any sign of a friendly face or a kind word . . . and having only ever met hungry wolves.  And then one day, wandering into a huge protected community full of people who have been waiting for me with open arms in order to fill me up with all the love care a person could ever want . . . just because I was me.  Just because I existed.  That that was all that was ever being asked of me in the first place.

Gomer Pyle