Lost and Found

When I’m feeling lost and unsure . . .

And I stop long enough to pull within and get real with myself . . .

I am always taken back to the same place.

Back to a specific day when I was a little girl.

Sitting alone in The Big Park, under large towering trees . . . trying to find a four leaf clover and contemplating whether the ants I am watching . . . are aware that I’m there.  And am I an ant to someone much larger than me that I can’t see . . . simply because I’m unaware of them . . . .  followed by a few moments of staring up into the sky and *trying* to see if there is something I’ve missed the last hundred times I’ve stared into the sky.

And then I wanted to see leprechauns.  I believed in them.

Or I had.

But something was starting to nag at me.  I had started to doubt that they existed, because I never *actually* saw them.  And from how the big people here explain it . . . if you can’t see it, it doesn’t exist.  And that scared me.

The doubt had started to bug me so much, that it reached a boiling point that day.  For the first time in my short 7 year old life, I needed proof to help me continue to believe.  To keep my faith.  So I started talking out loud to the leprechauns I could sense and feel nearby.  I asked if they could please show themselves to me . . . that I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone of their existence . . . that they could trust me.

But they never appeared, even though I *knew* they were there.  They must not trust me.  I must not be a good enough person.

That was the day . . . the moment that something in me began to break, and I have never been the same since.  From that day forward, I began to feel more and more lost and alone.

Why?  Why is that the ONE scene from my whole.entire.life. that comes up every time I feel lost and I’m seeking answers within myself?

Because that is the day . . . I began to lose mySelf.

Doubting and losing my belief and faith in what I KNEW to be true in my heart, is when I began to become lost in this world.

That’s where it starts for us.  That’s where we lose our innocence and our sense of True Self.  That’s where we begin to lose our way home.  That’s when we begin to believe more and more in things that are NOT TRUE for us.

We try to protect the innocence in children, by sheltering them.  By trying to pretend that there are no bad monsters out there in the world.  And then stupidly, shove them out into the world full of monsters when they’re an adult . . . and tell them “welcome to the real world – suck it up, bub”.

That is some fucked up shit, people.

You protect innocence with wisdom, confidence, and belief in it.

Young kids are still in touch with what they know to be true in their Heart.  They have faith in the unseen.  They still believe in magic and fairies and unicorns.  And the world to them looks like a wonderland full of magical possibilities.  They still believe in themselves.

As we grow older, we are conditioned to believe and think that *none* of that is real.  None of it. And if none of that is true . . . then that means the magic part of them . . . the innocent part of them . . . isn’t real either.  So . . . they lose a very important part of themselves.  And then also told that there is NO mystery . . . there is NO unknown.  It can all be easily explained with math and science.

: (

Sorry.  That’s the “real world”.  You have to come to terms with it or suffer.

Well, you know what Mr. Fictitious *They* who doesn’t really exist, but still trys to tell all of us what to think and believe?

FUCK YOU and your hornless unicorn that you rode in on.

What is WRONG with me believing, really believing in magic?  Not just thinking it might be possible, but feeling again with my heart and soul all the way to my bones, in magic?

And not just magic like illusions or magic shows, No.  I’m talking about grabbing ahold of Tinkerbell and shaking the shit out of that fairy and green ass MAGIC fairy dust raining down on us.

Because here’s what I KNOW to be true with all my Heart – BELIEVING in the actual existence of those things . . . is what brought me JOY in this life.  It made me happy!  It didn’t make me just live with my head in the clouds, it made me feel wide open happy in love.  And it made me want to share it with everyone I met.

It made me – ME!  Without my feeling of belief and faith in those unseen things that I feel and know are there, I lose a big part of who I am.  And that PISSES ME OFF!

Because HOW can I be a happy, joyful, whole human being when I’m trouncing around the earth trying to PRETEND that those parts of me AREN’T REAL or DON’T EXIST?!?!?!  How?!

I can’t.

When I lost my belief in that world of magic and “make believe”, I lost myself . . . and I lost my way back home.  Back to the place that is my real home.

THIS place . . . is the place that isn’t real.  This is the bullshit place.  But we’ve all forgotten that it’s not furreals.

It’s been said that the devil fooled all of the world except the faithful.  And who has MORE faith and is the MOST in touch with their Heart?  Children.  And what’s the difference between adults and children?  Children still believe in our Real Home even if they can’t always see it, which is filled with warmth, love, and magic.

And do you wanna know what happens when you find your way back to that whole hearted belief in the things that you believed in when you were a kid?

The Real World . . . the Golden One . . . the one we all still miss and cry for in our sleep . . . . the one we had wrongfully stolen from us when we were younger. . . starts to reappear before our very eyes.

It’s all around you and with you no matter what you do.  Whether you’re at the grocery store, the office, at home cleaning a poopy diaper . . . it can be there.

And I DON’T mean, oh in your imagination or your mind’s eye.  I mean, LITERALLY.

However, you won’t have a CLUE what I’m talking about if you’re sitting there being smug or feeling like you know better than me.  Don’t be a douchebag.  Don’t cheat yourself or the happiness that could again be yours, because you’re too scaredypants to make a fool of yourself and even secretly inside of yourself let yourself pretend for a moment that maybe . . . . maybe there really are unicorns . . . maybe . . .

O.O

Or dragons.  Omg.  I just know there are dragons.  They hide within the clouds and they watch over us.

Or leprechauns . . . who can’t show themselves here in the fake world posing as a real world.  The closest they can come while you’re pretending to not be magical . . . is in your dreams . . . where you’re actually closer to their home.

But seriously.  Both worlds are very similar in appearance, so here’s how you know which one you’re currently in:

If you feel cold, lost, alone, scared . . . and the world seems dim . . . and like someone has put a gray or steel filter over your eyes . . . you are not believing.  You are bittering.  That’s where old people smell comes from.  The lack of belief in a world of magic and miracles . . . is what ages us and makes us bitter.  It’s what makes things in our body feel painful and it’s what makes us feel old.  L.i.t.e.r.a.l.l.y.  It’s something that is ACTUALLY released in our bodies when we are shut down and no longer believe or have faith in our Real World (that, at risk of repeating myself, isn’t this one that we’ve been led to believe is real)

But you can instantly feel a difference and relief in yourself when you let go of thinking it’s foolishness or just for children . . . when you start to feel safer, warmer, loved/loving, compassionate, caring, stronger . . . and like someone just put a filter of gold over your eyes.  Plus, you become sweeter . . . more youthful . . . more full of life and wonder.  Like the bitterness, it’s actually something that gets released into your body.  More joy seeps into you effortlessly.  Life starts to feel good again, DESPITE the crazy ass bullshit going on around you and in the world.  It’s like armor for the heart and soul.

This is something YOU have control over.  You GET to feel and believe in whatever the fuck you want!  You don’t have to quit being a responsible adult and taking care of your family just because you want to believe in pots of gold at the end of the rainbow.  Just stop giving a fuck what other people think about what you believe, because ultimately it’s YOU that has to pay the price for what you believe or don’t.  Here, I’ll start if off.  (Because for the first time in my entire adult life, I have FOUND something I feel is truly, truly worth fighting for, and that’s the right to believe in Real Golden Love and Magic again.)

I am a very responsible working professional.  I am also a mom to a teenage boy.  Taking care of my family, home, and self are very important to me and I take it very seriously.  I am 36 years old.  And I still believe in Fairytales and goddamn Unicorns (Especially ones that get on video conference calls with horses at the office.  It was just a coincidence that it was Halloween).

Watcha gonna do about it, punk?

Now, time for some sweet dance moves : )

The Spirit of Showing True Self

Jay sent this to me this morning, which he saw on Facebook from a beautiful mutual friend of ours, Carmen.  It’s not my usual blogging style to just share a link, because I typically have plenty to say on any subject.

However, this blog post I want to share with you needs nothing further added from me, other than to say that this is a perfect, beautiful example of someone showing who they really are on the outside.  It’s not very long, and it moved me to a place of tears, love, and inspiration in 2.5 seconds.

I’ll leave it at that – and you can take the few minutes you normally would have been reading my novel-length posts to read this one.  You won’t regret it.  : )

So thank you blog, Everyday Grace, for showing and sharing with us who you really are.

She Yelled and Called Me Names

Libra and Aries Sitting in a Tree

Oh beautiful Libra.  The sign of peace, harmony, and refinement.  Ruled by Venus, how could you be anything other than beautiful?  The sign of high society and being civilized.  Seeking fairness and win/win situations.  You never wish to offend.  You’re more than okay with compromise.  You know how to relate to people from all walks of life.  And you do it so well in your designer clothes and polished skin.

{Big satisfying sigh followed by contemplative stare into the distance}

The sun moves through Libra from end of September through most of October.  And as beautiful as Libra is . . . the poor dear is running amok in our world.  We are all experiencing first hand what happens when Libra is left to run unchecked.  It isn’t all Libra’s fault, there are many things in play . . . but here’s Libra’s part in it.

Libra is the diplomat.  Libra is the one that goes into negotiations and makes sure that everyone gets fairly represented.  If someone isn’t available to say their side or piece, Libra will step in and speak on behalf of that person or group.

To be civil . . . is to be Libra.  Libra is societal standards.  “This is how you treat someone, this is how you do not treat someone.”  Libra is ruled by Venus and by the 7th house of (others) one on one relationships.  Relating to others.  7th house is the first house in the zodiac where it’s not just about ourselves internally . . . it’s about others outside of ourselves in relation to us.

But Libra can sometimes get so caught up in the mission for peace and harmony, that the other side of the axis . . . Aries . . . gets completely left out of the equation.  And that’s a Big.Problem.

If I were to look at current world events as any indication of what is going on with this axis, I would say that Libra was on a huge political smear campaign against Aries.

You’ve seen those movies and shows about the ruling aristocratic families looking all fancy shmancy with all their money and well bred sophisticated ways.  <cough>Libra<cough>  It’s long since stopped about making things actually fair among the people, and has become all about making things *appear* a certain way.  “What would so and so think if they knew that Martha was seen with a man without an escort?” *Gasp* . . . . *Faint*.  And we’ve also seen in these shows, how on the surface they seem refined and sophisticated . . . but holy shit if the psychological undercurrent running underneath isn’t a little savage!

They are (were) meant to be role models for the rest of us.  So . . . when they couldn’t tame the wildness inside <cough>Aries<cough>,  . . . they simply . . . [r] [e] [p] [r] [e] [s] [s] [e] [d] it.  They pretended it didn’t exist in them.  They covered up and hid anything that did not fit current societal standards in order to keep their power and standing in the community.  Anything hinting of non-refinement was squashed like a bug and disposed of in secret.

It’s so WEIRD how wars still manage to break out amongst such proper upstanding citizens.  (I know, right?)

Also of note, is that those in the upper class families live lives of relative leisure.  If you knew that you’d still have a comfy home, plenty of food and resources regardless of what you did or didn’t do . . . you’d probably lose some of your motivation to discipline and strengthen yourselves.  In fact, that is part of the burden of Libra . . . you have to find another motivation to DO anything in life, besides sheer survival (like the rest of us peasants).

So what is Aries?  Aries is the ruler of Mars and of the 1st house of self.  Even those who are not familiar with astrology, know that Mars is associated with war.  Aries could also be thought of as animalistic instinct.  When a momma bear sees her cub being threatened, she instinctively goes to tear that threat to pieces.  When someone is acting savagely, we might say they’re acting like an animal.  Aries (<—non-Libra).  Aries is unrefined, raw energy.  When you first mine a gemstone . . . it’s not so pretty.  It’s in more of an Aries state (rock), than the Libra state (jewlry).

But what else is Aries?  What else is lurking and hiding in this primal state of energy that might be of use to a modern society?

First of all, Aries is the spark of life.  Aries is the first sign of the zodiac, and of spring.  Before Aries is the 12th sign, Pisces.  And Pisces is the state we come from and return to . . . when *not* incarnated in life.  So as the wheel of life turns, and we are looking to be born into life, Aries is that moment when something goes from non-life . . . to Life.  Whatever magical transformation is happening in that moment . . . that *Spark* . . . is the Aries energy.  It is pure, unrefined, raw divine energy.

Aries is a fire sign (along with Leo & Sagittarius), and where there is fire . . . there is Life.  Anytime you see someone brought to life, they are filled with fire energy.  If they sparkle, glow, shine . . . they are exuding the fire principle in life.  Each fire sign brings a different kind of fire.  Aries is the firestarter . . . the spark that starts or ignites something new.  Leo is a sustaining fire . . . the fire that shines like a lighthouse or beacon for others to look to.  And Sagittarius . . . sets a blaze or path to a higher understanding or truth.  Fire is inspiring.  Fire is warmth, love, heart  . . .  without fire energy . . . life is cold and lifeless.

Aries is the sign of self, will, motivation.  Where ever Mars is in our charts, is where and how we get motivated to DO anything.  It’s what lights up the fire in our soul and sends us on our mission or quest in life.  It’s how we know who we are from others.  There’s myself (1st house, Aries, Mars) and then there are others (7th house, Libra, Venus).  It’s what makes you come alive.  It’s what ignites your passion and your desires.  It’s what makes you WANT to live.  It’s what makes you WANT to survive.

It’s also raw and unrefined.  When a student wants to learn how to play the violin, initially it is squeaky squawky and really hard to listen to.  But with the will and motivation to learn, the student can refine and discipline their talent into something breathtaking and harmonious.  That is Aries —-> Libra axis action.

When a person has a lot of Aries energy, they can *appear* to be very unaware of others (and when they are younger this is probably true).  They have so much raw energy coming in from source to ignite new things here, that it’s really hard to know what to do with it.  It can come out impulsively, randomly, awkwardly, uncomfortably, or crudely.  But, from those things come new ideas, new solutions.  Aries are our leaders and innovators.  They must act.  They must do.  They must be in motion.

Aries can also rage.  This does not sit comfortably with Libra.  Only savages rage.  Civilized people talk out their differences.  But Aries feels things instantly.  Just like animal instinct, they are feeling something before they even know themselves what is happening.  They are in the middle of it before they understand that it is happening.

Babies do this also.  When they are hungry, they cry.  They don’t know of any other way to get their needs met.  This is an Aries response . . . one of survival.  As a child gets older, hopefully they receive nurturing and care, and are taught how to overcome that instinct in a more refined way.  Can you imagine if we all started to bawl our heads off as it got closer to lunch time?!  (hilarious)  So, part of growing up, is about becoming refined and preparing us to be suitable to have relationships with others outside of ourselves.  This is a necessary process.

But here’s where something broke down at some point in our history.  There is the actual refinement process going from Aries to Libra on the zodiac axis where we develop things like strength, conscious awareness of the actions we take, competition (testing ourselves), discernment, personal responsibility, etc.  And then there is the fakeout refinement process that we’ve been doing . . . and calling it the real thing.

One requires a lot of hard personal work. (Aries) The other is called repression.  When you take the “easy” road (and god knows why it’s called easy . . . it’s the most miserable road I can imagine venturing on) you don’t put in the hard work of facing and overcoming an obstacle.  You simply pretend it’s not there, and let it sink into the background as if it doesn’t exist.  You close down a part of your conscious awareness (Aries) in order to avoid something unpleasant or unacceptable (Libra).  You sweep it under the rug.  You don’t talk about it in public (7th house).

We promote constantly how we should always be out helping others (Libra, 7th house) and not think of ourselves (Aries, 1st house).  There is a lot of self denial going on, as if our “self” is something shameful.  We label it ego and try to stomp it out.  If we don’t want to help someone else (maybe because we’re exhausted and need some rest), it’s not typically okay for us to say, “Sorry, but I don’t want to.”  It’s not okay to say we don’t want to go to that dinner party and schmooze with a bunch of people who are being fake.  You suck up your own wants, and do what you’re expected to do to keep up the charade.

When this goes too far (and it definitely has in my opinion), there are going to be consequences.  One is that repressing the Aries energy doesn’t make it go away.  For those who aren’t able to repress it, it may pops up in the form of passive aggressiveness . . . or more and more the trend is becoming for people to just outright blow a gasket and go on rampages.

For those who are successful in repressing their Aries/Mars/1st house self, something much sadder happens.  They lose their spark of life.  They lose motivation to do anything.  They begin to feel helpless or don’t know what the point of trying is.  They.lose.their.will.to.live.  They become docile.  They are no longer able to get excited about anything anymore.  They begin to only know a life of apathy.  They don’t know what to do.  They no longer know what they want themselves.  Everything becomes about just trying to survive.

There have been a LOT of lines crossed in governments worldwide in recent years.  And all it takes when something outrageous happens to calm everyone back down, is to explain it in a very diplomatic way.  We believe, that as long as it is being done in a diplomatic way . . . that it’s okay.  Plus, we equate being angry with being irrational.  But, uh . . no.  That’s where we need to shine some light.

There is a time to negotiate and talk and there is a time to take action.  There is a time to be calm and a time to be angry.  There is a time to compromise and a time to stand up for ourselves and say, um no . . . you just crossed a line.

Anger and rage is a powerful, powerful energy.  Left unchecked and undisciplined, you get people blowing up places.  The energy itself is NOT EVIL.  It simply IS.  It is INTENSE.  But, with trained strength, discipline and will . . . it can come up with instant creative solutions.  Spark the dying embers in a people losing hope, back to life and help them feel warmth and love again.  It can inspire.  It can help remind people of who they are.

Aries . . . above all else . . . is raw consciousness. The more you know your own Self (your own needs, your own wants and protect those things from others) the more clarity you gain.  It IS light.  It IS what makes things happen.  It IS what brings change.  If you use it like a Neanderthal, than the use of it will look brutal.  But strengthen and refine that same energy, and it becomes drive, passion, inspiration.  What would a world without passion and inspiration look like?

Before I end this monster post, for the astrologers and/or the curious, I’d like to share what I have on this axis of my natal chart.  I could write volumes and volumes regarding this axis because of how heavy it is in my natal chart, so it was really hard for me to not jump all over the place and go on tangents in this post.  : )  There is no way I could be unbiased in my perspective of this axis (2nd only to my Gemini/Sagittarius emphasized axis) so here is what is in my natal chart that is influencing it:

  • Aries Rising
  • 1st house has Eris (conjunct ascendant, rising planet), South Node, Venus, Mars in Aries – and Chiron, Mercury in Taurus
  • 7th house has Pluto (tight conjunct descendant), North Node in Libra – and Uranus in Scorpio.

Like any axis in the zodiac, both signs go out of balance when one or the other is emphasized or ignored instead of reconciling or understanding how they are actually two sides of the same coin.  Aries/Libra —> Self/Others —> Mars/Venus

There is who I am by myself.  There are the others I meet in life.  Who are really the parts of me that I can’t see without interacting with them.  What I do for myself, I am also doing for others.  What I do for others, I am also doing for myself.  When the day comes that I’m able to see that all of these things I see in others are also in me . . . and when the day comes that I can forgive myself for the things I couldn’t see before that day came . . . is when the day has come that fighting to survive ends . . . and the solace of peace in my heart begins.

Mama LionDaddy Lion

It’s Going To Be Okay

There’s a lot going on in the world at the moment.  There’s a lot going on in individuals at the moment.

There’s been a sharp increase in the last few weeks of people experiencing their first anxiety attacks.  During this same time period there has been a sharp increase in people having vivid/lucid dreams . . . who normally never remember their dreams at all.

Many of the dreams point towards an event that is coming.

The discussions surrounding the event are typically met with disbelief, fear, relief (bring it!), or an onslaught of bible verses.

I have had lucid dreams pointing towards this time my entire life.  I have also had a lifelong issue with generalized anxiety.  Maybe there’s a correlation.  : )

To those who are experiencing these things for the first time, please know that you’re not alone.  And please know, that it’s going to be okay.

Please know that there are many of us surrounding you in your everyday lives, who have been going through this for some time . . . and we know how to help during this difficult time.

First and foremost . . . b r e a t h e.

When you feel like things are beginning to overwhelm you . . . stop whatever you’re doing . . . close your eyes . . . let everything go . . .  and slow yourself down enough to be able to take at least one full breath all of the way in as deep as you need to in order to feel like it was a deeply satisfying breath.

It may take a few times, but keep trying and slowing down your internal rhythm until you get that one breath in.

Secondly, don’t be afraid to open up to others and talk about what’s bothering you.  You may be surprised to find that others are having the same concerns and fears, and feeling alone in it too.  Anxiety is heightened when you feel alone in your situation.

To those who have already been dealing with these feelings for years . . . I kindly request that you start letting yourselves be known so that others know where to turn for guidance.  This is the time, and this was the reason for you going through all you did ahead of time.  You are greatly needed right now.

Remember how scared you were . . . confused . . . lost . . . alone.  And have mercy on those starting to experience these things.  Be present with them and their fear.  See them.  Let them know it’s okay.  Hug them.

There is one thing I know and see with all of my heart.  And that is, when the moment of truth comes, and we’re all faced with our physical mortality . . . is when we will all truly show ourselves and see each other for the first time.  We will understand and know within our whole being at a depth previously unimagined, how much we truly love each other.  How much we truly love everyone.  How much everyone truly loves us.

And it’s going to be okay.

Warm Colored Sky

And That Was Something New Too

I recently came across some old writings from the November 2010 NaNoWriMo (National November Writing Month) in which you have the 30 days of November to write a 50,000 word novel.  The point of doing it, is to push past the internal critic/editor and to get into the creative flow of writing.  You just type.  You don’t edit, think, backspace . . . you just type.

Sometimes you still hit roadblocks (I mean how many times can you type, “I don’t know what to flipping write next” in your novel before you start feeling like a failure?), and so there are suggested exercises to get past this.  One is with a group, and a timer is set (i.e. 15 minutes).  You just type anything, ANYTHING until the timer goes off.  The one with the most words typed, wins.

So I found at the bottom of my 2010 NaNoWriMo document a bunch of these “word war” blocks of text and read one of them.  I hadn’t even looked at it since I had typed it during the word war 3 years ago (WW3?), so I was reading it as if someone else had wrote it . . . and I really liked it (she said unbiased-ishly).  And it being in my nature to share (of the knowledge variety . . . stay away from my toys), I decided to post it for you guys.  Hope you enjoy it.  : )

* * *

Once upon a time there was a little girl who didn’t know her name and she didn’t know that she didn’t know her name. She tried to go to school one day and that was when she learned she didn’t know her name and so that was when she tried to think of why it was important to have a name and why she needed one in the first place and why did everyone have one but she didn’t have one and why didn’t she have one and everyone else had one and that was the day she went home and tried to maybe think of a name for herself and she wasn’t sure if that was how it worked but that didn’t seem to matter and so she thought and thought and she went upstairs and thought and went downstairs and thought and she went and pet her cat and thought and that was when she discovered that she didn’t ever name her cat and so she was thinking whether it was more important to name her cat or to name herself first after all they just called her girl all day and that was ok for her and they didn’t get her mixed up with anyone else since they already had names and then she realized that since there was only one cat in the house that it wouldn’t matter if she named the cat either and that was why she forgot to think of a name at all because it really wasn’t important to think of a name right away it wasn’t an emergency and that was what made her remember to do things or a at least what order to do things in.

So she went to school the next day and they asked if she had a name yet and she said no and they said why not and she said because that she didn’t need one right away and they asked why her mom didn’t give her a name and she asked them what a mom was and that was the day she realized that she didn’t have a mom and so she went home and thought about why she didn’t have a  mom and why she didn’t know she didn’t have a mom and how everyone else had a mom but she didn’t and why did  she not have a mom and everyone else did and she didn’t know what mom did and so she had made it this far and so she could probably make it further without one now so she went to pet her cat again and that was how she forgot again about a mom and she went to school the next day and they asked her why she didn’t have a mom still and it was because she said she didn’t know and that was left alone for then because I guess in this world it isn’t illegal to not have a mom.

So then they asked about if she had a pet and she said what kind do you mean and they asked about a dog and she said no I don’t have a dog and so they said then what about a cat and she said that yes she did have a cat and that was a weird feeling to have a cat or to have something that they asked about that they know about and she knew about and so that was the first day that she got to find out what it felt like to have something that everyone else knew about and she thought maybe it was what it felt like to belong like other people did so she went home and she pet her cat and when she pet her cat it made her smile and that was the day she smiled for the first time and she didn’t know what it was because it hadn’t happened before so the first day that she went back to school she asked the teacher what it was and the teacher asked what what was and she smiled and pointed to the smile and said this what I’m doing what is that called and the teacher said that it was a tooth and she said no I’m not talking about my teeth but thanks for telling me but what am I doing with my mouth and the teacher said that you are smiling and did you not know what a smile was and she said that no she did not know what a smile was but she said that was all she needed to know and so she went home that day and she pet her cat and she smiled because she had a cat like everyone else and when she smiled she smiled even bigger because the teacher had known what this new thing was that she had done and that made her have a warm feeling in her stomach and that was something new too.

Smiling with Cat

Living in Grace – Doing Virgo Right

Well, it’s that time of year again when the Sun is making it’s way through Virgo.  Or what I like to call the “you are currently incarnated in a human body and you need to come to peace with it” sign.

When I was first studying Astrology, I was given a very dismal impression of Virgo.  Most texts tend to paint the sign into an analytical, critical, uptight perfectionist, hypochondriac corner.  Yeah, you sound like a hoot, Virgo.

I don’t have any natal planets in Virgo, and yet, this sign has a huge part to play in my life.  All of us have it somewhere in our chart/life.  So listen up, because it applies to all of us.

Virgo is ruled by the planet Mercury (as is Gemini), and rules the 6th house of the natural zodiac.  The traditional premise behind 6th house is regarding our “job” in life.  What we do for a living day to day.  How do we serve life while in life?  For some people it’s their actual job, for some it’s what they do on the side (i.e. hobby), and for some it’s just their existence.  It’s also known as the house of health and healer.  It used to be known as the house of servants.  But now it’s understood as the house of service (how do we serve in life).  Being of service is a completely different concept than being a servant.  It’s also the house that rules pets.  Awwww.  Where would we be without our furry friends?

There’s what I understood of Virgo when learning Astrology, and then there is how I’ve come to understand it in real life experiences.  It’s those understandings that I’d like to share with you today.

Have you ever had a moment in life, when everything seems to have come together . . . the planets have aligned . . . everything comes into focus . . . and something wonderful, warm, and beautiful spreads through you.  Life is glowing, bright, and it feels like nothing could possibly go wrong.  Your eyes are sparkling, you feel wide open to whatever the day holds.  You feel whole, love, nurtured, happy.  You just want to shout, “It feels GOOD to be alive!!!!”

Or have you ever felt so at peace and content with the moment.  You’re just moving with the flow and doing whatever is needed at the moment without resistance or fight.  And it feels good.  Singing while folding the laundry.  Dancing while vacuuming.  Feeling such a deep, content, warmth for life in general and all that involves.  You attend to whatever needs to be happening at the moment (even if it’s nothing) with such openness, love, caring, and tenderness.  With joy and happiness in your heart and soul.  Even if you’re scrubbing the toilet.  You are doing these things from the heart and not for anything in return.  Not for appreciation, thanks, attention or anything from others.  You do it *only* because you feel moved to.  True service.

Those are a couple examples of Virgo at its finest.

Have you ever felt times when every little, single, solitary thing was driving you insane.  The kitchen floor is sticky.  Spots on the glasses.  The squeak you hear in the car every time you drive over a bump.  That one section of hair that won’t stay down.  The smell in the bathroom.  The trash that didn’t quite make it into the garbage can.  The neighbor’s TV volume is too loud.  Something sticky all over the shelves in the refrigerator.  AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!! It’s always something!  Nothing is ever okay, and if something is wrong . . . EVERYTHING IS WRONG!

Or how about the feeling like every single day is the same drudgery.  Day in, day out, same old thing.  You get up and eat breakfast.  You go to school or work (both suck equally).  You go through your routine.  You’re unhappy, but whatcha gonna do?  You run errands.  You drop off the kids, you pick up the kids.  You get groceries, cook dinner, feed the animals (and the pets).  The whole time, you’re dreaming of the day that you get to do what you *really* want to do.  But, this stupid “life” thing keeps getting in the way.  You go to bed.  You can’t sleep because you have all this jibber jabber going on in your head.  You contemplate running away and joining a circus.  You wonder if this is all there is to life, and what happened to your dreams?  But let’s get real, that’s never going to happen.  You suddenly wake up to your alarm going off and repeat it all over again.  Nothing ever changes.  Little by little, your life drains away until you become old and bitter.

{Big Sigh}

Those are a couple examples of Virgo being a freaking stick in the mud.

Just to help set the scene to better understand the remainder of what I want to share, here is a minor detour.

There are 12 zodiac signs.  Every sign has another sign across from it.  Those two signs across from each other are known as an axis.  This is very important information.  The sign across from Virgo is Pisces.  Pisces is the “other side”, the divine, “home”/heaven, imagination, dreams, escapism, martyr/victim, sinner/saints, spirituality, hippies, alcoholism, fog, confusion, etc.  It seems like the opposite of focused, clear, anal-retentive Virgo.

But here’s how they’re two sides of the same coin.

Pisces is the eternal part of us.  It’s our connection to the place where our eternal selves are from.  Virgo, is the eternal part of ourselves living a life within a physical body and all of the awesome things that go along with that.

We need food, love, and shelter.  These are not concerns when in Pisces where you can survive off of ether.  They are very much a concern when in Virgo.  When we are unable to get necessities for living in body, our health fails.  When we have trouble dealing with life, we try to escape it.  That’s going from Virgo –> Pisces.  Escapism.  It could be through alcohol, drugs, tv, shopping, meditating, spiritualism, denial, being a victim, etc.  Pretty much anything can be used to avoid being a participant in life.  We are super clever beings.

Virgo rules the lower intestines.  When you’re stressed out over the details and non-important things in life or worrying, and you get stomach cramps . . . you’re manifesting Virgo issues.  When you become closed to participating in life (in any number of forms and in any number of ways), it actually tightens this area inside your body.  The more you try to escape from your body, the more this closes and the more ill you become.  When you’ve shut life out completely . . . you have effectively become the Living Dead.  You are a ghost.  Your body is operating and you’re going through the motions . . . but you are as good as dead.

The paradox with the Virgo/Pisces axis (each axis of the zodiac has a paradox that is actually the resolution of duality between the two . . . Gemini’s domain) is that the more you try to escape to Pisces (bliss, heaven, spirituality, compassion/unconditional love, god, illusion, non-existence, avoidance) the further away it becomes and the more you suffer physically.  Same for Virgo.  The more you try to lose yourself in your physical life (I’m looking at you, work-a-holics) and avoid your spiritual side, the further from life you become and get lost in the Pisces fog or become a perpetual victim of circumstances.

When this axis is out of whack in your life, you become cut off from one or the other.  You either become lost in spiritual idealism and can’t seem to connect or understand how to “do” life (i.e. . . . “I can’t because I’m too sensitive” . . . everything overwhelms you), or you get so stuck in physical life that you actually believe that that is all you are and all there is and forget the eternal part of yourself.  You can’t see the forest for the trees.  You’re lost in pointless details and think there is NO other way than the suckiness that is.  Life loses meaning or purpose.

When an open flow is happening between the two, and reconciliation of duality has occurred . . .

Life.Becomes.Breathtaking.

It is how “living in the moment” happens.  It is living in a constant state of grace.  You are open to life.  Life itself becomes so beautiful that it brings you to tears.  You have such love, warmth, and patience for everything and everyone.  You become capable of giving unconditional love.  But you are able to define and enforce boundaries.  You understand yourself as an individual separate from others, but you are simultaneously aware of the connection and sacredness of all of existence.  Life becomes a living, moving, breathing meditation.

You are open to life and all it has to offer.  The good, bad, and the ugly.  You don’t shy from responsibilities . . . you openly face whatever comes your way and needs to be dealt with.  You are in love with life.  You are connected to your own inner moral compass and no longer need validation or approval from outside of yourself.  You are able to truly serve in life.  You are able to truly live.  There is no need to rush or force anything.  You know when to be still and when to move.  You are able to see how all of the details fit into the bigger picture, and so understand what is truly important and what can be released.  You don’t sweat the small stuff.

You start to live life as it was meant to be lived.  You understand that there are all kinds of things we get to experience while in human form that we aren’t able to experience while in higher vibrations.  And as a Soul, we WANT to experience these things in physical life.  We want to know what sadness feels like.  We want to know what loss feels like.  Because outside of physical life, we KNOW that we can’t lose anyone.  Only here, while in physical body and with temporary forgetfulness, are we capable of feeling loss.

We didn’t come here to AVOID Life!!!!  This is a gift.  This is an opportunity.  FEEL it all. Be in the experience.  Not just the good, but also the “bad”.  Let yourself MOURN.  Do it with gusto.  Open up wide and let it out . . . let it go.  Don’t hold it tight in your body.  That’s how we get sick.  We hold tightly onto these things we feel or tighten ourselves against feeling those things . . . and by doing so we close ourselves off from life and living.

We may spend all of our time analyzing things in order to keep from anything bad from happening.  That is a form of avoidance of life.  You cannot control life.  You cannot stop the bad from happening, because it is a part of life.  Get.over.it.  If you live your life as it was meant to be lived, then you will have plenty of reserves to be capable of handling the harder times.  But if you spend all of your life energy being afraid of it or trying to avoid it, then you’ll be all tapped out during the harder times.

We may put all of our attention into obsessing over health and fitness, and being so anal about the calories or types of food we put into our bodies . . . that we totally miss that the restrictions we are putting on ourselves are keeping us from opening up and enjoying life as it is.  A ninja form of avoidance.  Becoming so focused on the details of body upkeep, that we STILL end up missing the real point of life.  (Hint: It’s not about being a health nut.)

While the sun moves through Virgo (end of Aug, most of Sept.), it sheds light on all areas of our life affected by this sign.  Have we become so strict with ourselves about how we live . . . that we have effectively squeezed the life out of ourselves?  Do we live open and excited about the opportunities we have been given with this life . . . or are we tolerating life and limping/crawling to the finish line?  Is our perspective too small, or do we think outside of the box for new solutions.

If you are someone who *must* analyze things (I’m totally included in this), then ask yourself what is stopping you from openly, full-heartedly shouting “I LOVE LIFE!!” . . . and whatever it is . . . get over it.

Pretty Details

The pretty details of Life

The Story of Life

I had it deeply ingrained in me from a young age to always be honest.  I took this very, very seriously.  Too seriously.  Like to my detriment.

There was a movie I watched a few years ago called, “The Invention of Lying”.  It was about a world that looked very much like ours, except that people were incapable of lying.  It was some inconceivable, abstract thought that had never been thought up.

I was excited about seeing the movie because I had always wished for a world with absolute honesty.  I was even feeling pretty smug about getting to see how right I was about how much better the world was before lying was invented.

But it was horrible.  I was so focused on thinking that lying was the reason everything was such a mess, that I completely missed what “lying” adds to our lives.

In that world, there were only documentaries on factual things.  There was no imagination . . . no creativity.  There was no such thing as storytelling.

And intrinsically, within me, lives a storyteller.  I love embellishing and feeling into things.  I like to imagine how things might be or feel in different situations.  I like to try things out and see how they feel, and then take them off and try on something else.

This is how children learn.  They mimic.  They may pretend they are a serious woman standing in line, and do all of the body movements and facial expressions exactly like her, just to feel what it’s like to be that woman for a moment in time.  They may find that they like it, they may find that they did not like it.  But that’s how we learn about ourselves and our environment.

I have continually had an inner struggle between being me . . . and being “honest”.  But honesty is such a slippery, abstract concept.  It leads into philosophical debates that could go on forever, that involve reality, wormholes, and bunny slippers.

But today, when walking downtown, I looked around at all of the people walking by.  I watched the cars and buses stopping and going.  I kept thinking, “The Story of Life.”  All of those people have a story they tell about themselves.  That they tell about others.  We all play pretend about who we are.  We even say, “That will be a great story to tell your grandchildren when you’re older!”

Everything *here* is a story we are all telling.  We NEED stories.  We love a good story.  Stories hold value whether they are true or not.  They let us try on different feelings and ways of being to see how it suits us.  It’s a way of learning.  It’s a way of being.

If I had to name a single sign in the zodiac that represented the “storyteller”, it would be Gemini.  Well, actually the whole Gemini/Sagittarius axis.  The individual stories of pretend, and the world’s (or universe’s) stories of pretend . . . sorry I mean truth.  : )

In my natal chart, I have a sun sign of Gemini.  Conjunct (same place, or together with) my sun is Jupiter.  Jupiter expands whatever it touches.  So, I’m not just a simple, small Gemini storyteller. . . I’m a HUGE liar storyteller.  Directly in opposition (180 degrees away – the opposite side of my chart) is my moon conjunct Neptune in Sagittarius.  The moon is our emotions, our past, how we are comforted and nurtured.  Neptune is our connection to Spirit/Divinity, other worlds, imagination, the dreamtime.  Those are 4 heavy hitters all in strong/tight contact with each other in my chart . . . and not a one of them is about being realistic or grounded in the “real world” as we’ve known it.

So this unhealthy obsession I have with honesty goes against my very nature, and while I insist on it to this level, I am unable to accept who I am inside.  I NEED to be able to tell things in wild story form.  There is truth within those stories.  I NEED to be emotionally dramatic.  I need to be able to change my story from day to day, because things are always changing.  Thinking that things are stable and consistent forever and ever IS the illusion.  That’s the story we tell ourselves everyday that we currently believe, even though it’s not (and never has been) true.

I’m able to switch and change between stories so easily, because I’m not attached to them.  I don’t need for them to be true.  I know that they are stories and that really, none of this is true.  It’s all pretend.  We’ve all agreed that it’s real, but that doesn’t mean it’s true.  (See. Trying to define honesty becomes a slippery slope, my friends.)  We’re all just really good at pretending things that aren’t true.

However, just because I’m not attached to my stories, I think it’s important to point out that it doesn’t mean I don’t care deeply.  Because I do.  I care deeply about the soul and person inside.  Because I’m not attached to the stories, I can see past them and to the person at the core.  That is where my focus is when I see and feel people.

It’s not just that though.  I hide the “Me” that I am inside, too.  I have almost never, ever let her be seen by another person.  I felt that part of me trying to surface yesterday morning, but I felt my muscles around my mid-section constrict to prevent it from happening.  Keeping me from fully relaxing and being at peace within myself.

When I felt into that tightness within me, I realized that it’s me trying to prevent the real Me from surfacing and being seen by anyone else.  I can’t even let myself out when I’m alone.  So I tried to gently feel into it, trying not to scare it away.  I asked why it was so scared to come out, and I asked what it meant to be Me.  And this is what I found out . . .

“I am afraid to be Me.  I feel really big inside.  I care.  I try to pretend like I don’t care, but I do.  I care about other people so much, that it makes me angry.  And ashamed.  I am completely ashamed of how sensitive I am, and how much I care about people and the world around me.  I feel thoroughly embarrassed about it.  I don’t want anyone to ever, EVER see how much I care.  It makes me feel weak.”

People affect me profoundly and deeply.  When I’m not at my keyboard . . . when I’m alone with myself . . . is when I try to process and move through all of the things that affected me so greatly during the day.  When there is a misunderstanding or a fight with someone or  a friend (yes, even with you, Janaki) . . . I cry for days trying to get through it.  It is utterly humiliating to me how much each person affects me.  I hate it.

I put up a strong defense, because I don’t know how else to protect myself.  Because I don’t know how to handle being like that in front of another person.  I see how people react and respond to people who are emotional and sensitive, and there’s no way I want to expose myself to that.  I have not found a model yet, of someone who has found a way to stand strong in their sensitivity and own it.  All I see, are sensitive, caring people closing themselves off from their feelings . . . and telling themselves they have a “thicker skin”.

I don’t know how, but I’m going to figure out a way.  I’m going to figure out how to fully be that sensitive, caring person . . . but to let it empower me . . . strengthen me . . . instead of feeling weak and diminished by it.  And just thinking about how much strength that is going to take, I can better see how being that way in a world gone mad . . . is a far cry from being a weakness.  To have the courage and strength to still feel strongly, to still care deeply about others, and to be able to show that you still care . . . is very brave.

I am very afraid to do this.  Terrified, even.  But it’s reached a point where it takes more effort to try and squelch or hide it, than it takes to just be it.

And that’s my story.  That I take way too seriously.  : D

Super Serious Stuff

Gir contemplating his life story

It’s Happening

There are large cycles.  There are smaller cycles running within the larger cycles like a giant wristwatch full of gears.  Things repeat.  Stories people told about things that happened long ago, later become the prophecy of a future yet to come.  An ebb and flow of forgetting and remembering.

The story is repeated and echoed in all things great and small, waiting patiently to be seen and discovered once again.

This has all happened before, and it will all happen again.

A fine red dust starts to enter Earth’s atmosphere, initially undetectable.  Over the years, as it slowly increases, it begins to accumulate on the surface below.  Nothing really noticeable.  Maybe some start to notice a light pink color builds up around their faucets and where ever else water is used.  The few who bother to inquire about what it is, hear that it’s some sort of bacteria, so they think nothing of it and move on.

For years, this continues.

Sky 1

In the meantime, technology continues to advance rapidly.  Things continue to happen faster and faster at an exponential rate.  What used to take decades now happens in months.  What used to take months now happens in days.  What used to happen in days now happens in hours.  Instead of using that freed up time to do the things we love, value, and enjoy . . . we push ourselves to work harder on things we have convinced ourselves are important, in order to get more things that we think will make us happier.  It never does.  Instead, we just become disconnected from ourselves and each other, and we become lost.

Because we’ve become so busy in our pursuit of happiness, we’ve become less aware of ourselves and our surroundings.  The more unaware we become, the less we understand . . . or even remember what used to be really important to us.  Since we can’t think of what is important to us anymore, we become less motivated and inspired about life.  We start looking for something of importance, but there isn’t time to dig deep, the pace is too quick . . . so we latch on to whatever *seems* to be important on the surface.  Maybe based on what our employer tells us is important.  Or what we hear or read from others.  Who knows?  Who has the time to really figure it out?

Life begins to lose meaning.  It loses excitement, fun, and joy.  It becomes harder and harder to relax.  Things become more and more serious.  Darker.  We move into avoidance to try and save ourselves from this place.  Alcohol, shopping, reality tv, politics, finances, war. . . anything to make this awfulness go away.  We start to close off from ourselves, because the accumulation of all of the things that were truly important to us that we avoided dealing with over the years is starting to catch up with us.  We don’t know where we are, or how we got there, or what to do about it.  When we start to close off from ourselves, we are also closing off from others.  Becoming more guarded . . . defensive.

Trust and intimacy start to break down.  Isolation.  We start to feel alone in our pain and misunderstood.  Power struggles become more pronounced.  Confusion.  Survival.  Which leads to control and manipulation of ourselves and others because we’re scared, lost, and no longer know what the fuck is going on.

At some point, there is an acknowledgement that something is *off* in the world.  Something is going on.  But because no one has been paying attention, or have been actively trying to avoid it because it’s too much to handle on top of all of the other things exploding in our individual lives . . . nobody knows what is happening.  All effort goes into continuing to not face all of the things we avoided the last decades in our personal lives, as well as avoiding what is happening right outside our windows.

Meanwhile . . . this fine red dust has been gently drifting and collecting all over the globe.  It’s more noticeable now for anyone paying attention.  The leaves on some of the trees begin to turn a curious red shortly after they unfurl on the branches.  One tree has some of the leaves turning a deep red . . . almost purple.  Another tree has a light dusting of red on the surface of the leaves.  A cedar tree here and there has a branch that looks rusted, as well as the pine trees.  Some of the bushes have something curious happening with them too.  Plants with red spots spreading across the leaves.

Tree 2

Tree 3

Tree 4

Bushes1

Year after year, this continues.  The leaves begin to dry up immediately after they’ve come out in spring.  Some trees never dropped their dried up leaves from the year before.  Once it is noticed, it becomes hard to ignore because it’s affecting so many trees and plants.

Tree 1

But, who has time to worry about what is going on with the trees, when we’re not feeling well ourselves?  It sometimes seems so hard to breathe.  Headaches, nausea, vertigo, disorientation.  Stomach cramping, weakness, fatigue.  Fevers, hot flashes.  Hair loss.  Many who have never had a problem before, struggling with anxiety.  Adrenal exhaustion.  Kidney infections.  Liver trouble.  Heart problems.  Mental & emotional problems.  Depression.  Suicide.

The populace seems to be struggling increasingly with anger, violence, and rage.  Stress levels continue to rise, and accusations and blame start to get pointed at each other.  Everything under the sun is getting blamed for why things are like they are.  It’s because of you, it’s because of me, it’s because of the government, it’s because of the financial markets, it’s because of the wars, it’s because of people’s negativity, it’s because of past lives, it’s because of the sinners and it’s god’s wrath and punishment.

Or perhaps, those things are all stemming from a physiological response to something that has been silently coming into our atmosphere for many, many years?  However, we’ve become so focused on immediate surface responses . . . that we think the things we are feeling and experiencing are due to what is immediately in front of us or the people around us.  We don’t stop to think that maybe it’s something bigger than all of us . . . and that we’ll all be facing it together.

It makes beautiful red, pink, and orange skies.  Beautiful surreal looking pinkish clouds.

Sky 3

Sky 4

Sky 2

It affects the oxygen levels in the water. . . and related to the massive fish deaths.

Where it’s coming from, affects our electromagnetic field . . . and the bird deaths.  Birds have metal material in their brains, that is affected by the electromagnetic field . . . as do mammals . . . including humans.

It is affecting our sun.  Our weather, our seasons.  The weather on OTHER PLANETS in our solar system.  Earthquakes, sinkholes, volcanoes, meteors.  Electronics and electricity.  Our ability to think clearly.  Our health suffering in general.

You can see the affects of it by scanning the headlines.  Train derailments.  Airplane crashes.  Increased violence and senseless crimes. Fires.

And no.  There’s nothing we can do to stop this thing from coming.  It’s happening.

It’s a part of a larger cycle.  It’s what was being talked about in all of the old myths and legends.  It is remembered and then forgotten again.  The stories handed down over generations by Native Americans, was one of many ways that our ancestors attempted to get the information to survive long enough to let people know . . . thousands of years down the road . . . of what would be coming.

We are not the first to go through this.

Ancient texts from around the world, talk of the deluge.  They all have their different versions of why . . . but they are all speaking of the same event(s).

People, just like us . . . who are just trying to get through each day . . . and maybe find a little bit of happiness . . . went through this thousands of years ago.  It wasn’t just people in robes who were less intelligent than us, it was people just like us.  And they weren’t being sinful and evil in the way that they’ve been portrayed in some versions of the story . . . they were suffering from the effects of the precursor red dust that comes in long before the devastation actually happens.

Prophecies are describing what others have witnessed and survived from prior cycles.  The easisest way to pass on information is through storytelling, dance, & song.  For thousands of years from one incident to the next, people stop believing the stories are real because it doesn’t apply to them.  We have them quarantined in our heads as stories, and so it’s hard to make the leap or connection to real live events happening around us.  There are real, physical, and scientific reasons the things described in prophecy were happening.  So don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.

There are those who only believe in what they see in physical form.  So, the signs are showing in physical form what is happening.  There are those who only believe in what they get intuitively or from the spiritual side of life . . . So, they know what signs they are looking for.  You can think of this as the rational/logical/scientific mind vs. the creative/spiritual/faith-etheric mind.

During this time, keeping these two parts within us separate . . . is a big mistake.  It causes a human being to be “closed”.

If you are all spiritual, but refuse to acknowledge that you are in a human body . . . then you will be at the mercy of its animalistic instinctive nature during times of crises, because your body WILL pick up cues in its environment and act accordingly.  This will manifest as anxiety, anti-social behavior, feeling like a victim, helpless, powerless, etc.  Quit trying to escape your body, and come down to earth and come to peace with the fact that something is happening on a physical level . . . and currently you ARE in a physical body.  Deal.with.it.  Care, nurture, and love your body that is here and scared and NEEDS you.

If you are all physical, and refuse to acknowledge the unseen and the signs that were given in religious and spiritual texts, and believe those things to be unreal or flights of fancy . . . you will be at the mercy of the fear of the unknown.  You will also respond more from an animalistic instinctive nature, rather than from conscious, clear thinking.

If you are cut off from either one, you are closed.  Some of you are closed from the waist up (ones who only believe in scientific proof), and some of you are closed from the waist down (ones who are all spiritual and are trying to escape their bodies as things get worse on the planet).

Many are a mix and conflicted.

It is important to be opened all of the way through.  The warnings and practices given in religion, wasn’t so much about being all holy, as it was trying to convey and communicate what you have to do in order to stay clear and conscious during these times.  It’s NOT about some people being good and some people being evil . . . it is about some people being open and some people being closed.

We’ve associated evil with some made up fantasy that we couldn’t possibly be.  “Oh, I don’t sacrifice babies . . . so I’m not evil.”  Wrong.  All “evil” is, is being closed up.  Being heavy and burdened with energy.  Fear, worry, resentment, etc. are heavier energies.  If you won’t open up (forgive, let go, surrender) then you HOLD ON to those heavier, darker energies and are weighed down.  If you are taking life super serious, and trivial things feel like a life or death situation. . . you are closed at some level, heavy, darker, and therefore . . . “evil”.

So be as self righteous as you want, it’s totally your call.  But if you don’t get over yourself, start opening up, and letting go of shit that is really, really not important in the greater scheme of things . . . then you are going to *literally* be in the dark.  If you can get over yourself, open up to what is actually happening . . . both in the unseen and the physical world . . . you will lighten up.

The REASON for this, is because the stuff going on with the electromagnetic field, and the red dust (iron oxide, btw . . . we’re all suffering from increasing toxicity . . . aka “ascension symptoms”) is destabilizing everything.  Everything we thought was permanent or forever, is suddenly not.  You know carbon dating?  The thing they thought was so stable that they use its half life to determine how old things are?  Yeah, guess what?  It’s NOT stable at all.  So anything based on it to date things, is actually unreliable.  Think about how many things you believe in life that is based just on that one thing.  That is, and has been happening across the scientific community for the last few years.  (Scientists are baffled!)

Because everything is destabilizing, we have to find a new center.  We can’t rely solely on our intellect/brain for understanding reality, because that is breaking up.  However, if you solely rely on intuition, you are still blocking yourself from stability.  Imagine a cylinder (at least as wide as your head) that comes in from the top of your head and goes through the whole center of your body.  This is where the major chakras line up.  *That* cylinder . . . needs to be fully opened and unblocked during this time, in order to find your center and be balanced.  The calm within the storm.

If you are closed by being either TOO spiritual or TOO physical, a twist/knot/block happens in the center flow . . . and life.sucks.for.you.  You will be at the mercy of the iron that is collecting in our bodies (especially in the brain in the amygdala which is where the rage and violence comes in and starts erupting in the populace) and subject to rage, temper tantrums, fuzzy-headedness, escapism, victimhood, helplessness, hopelessness, anxiety, fear, memory loss, etc.  You’ll continue to get sicker and sicker, and think you’re getting the flu or some weird strain of illness that’s going around.  You should take that more as a sign that you’re still closed down in some way and blocking the flow (which is our new grounding point between “heaven and earth”).

This isn’t the time for pride, defensiveness, ignorance, or arrogance.  The things that open the blocks in that cylinder going vertically through the center of our body are things like forgiveness, humbleness, lightness, humor, letting go, surrender.  But those words have been used so often that we glaze over when we hear them now, especially as things continue to escalate and get harder.

So use whatever works for YOU to become lighter and more open through your whole core.  Let go of obligations, social protocols, and things that just piss you off.  It doesn’t matter if it’s how you were raised, if everyone else is still doing it, or if others get on to you about it.  We don’t have time to help everyone around us figure it out.  Just do it, and model it, it’s the fastest way to get others to catch on.

Quit trying to save others.  We’re all big girls and boys and can deal with what happens, if we’re given no other choice.  Focus on getting yourself open, and then you will be anchored and know exactly what to do, when, where, and how.  Don’t get lost in the semantics. “Oh, but what if it’s your sister, girlfriend, or mom . . . “

No.

Get yourself centered and balanced, and then you will understand why the semantics don’t matter.  It takes discipline.  It means you have to let go and stop focusing on distractions that aren’t going to matter when shit starts going down.  Who gives a flying fuck about whether it’s the democrats or the republicans who are to blame for messing up the country/world.  The world *itself* is destabilizing.  Trying to find a person or group to blame anything on at this point is a complete.waste. of your time and energy.  And it’s only serving to weigh you down with the burden of heavier energies and blocking your center.  You are the one that will suffer for your refusal to let it go.

Despite what’s going on around you, every moment *can* be filled with Life.  You do not have any control over what is coming, but you have complete control over how you choose to greet it.

sunset

Let Me Drive!

I was out eating recently, when the most peculiar thing happened to me.  Initially, I had zero idea what had happened, only that immediately afterwards I heard myself saying to Jay,

I think I just fully came into my body.

Which was promptly followed by me giving myself a funny looking wtf? face.  {O.o}

And Jay was just looking at me nonchalantly with both eyebrows up ^ ^ saying,

Oh yeah?

And I was all,

I don’t know. {shoulder shrug}

And then went back to eating.

I went into deep contemplation about what exactly had just happened, because it was the 2nd time it had happened in a week. . . (both times involving food).

I had just been sitting there, looking at my food.  When suddenly the food seemed to . . . come into focus?  It seemed Super Real (vs. you know. . . semi-real)  The colors were so. . . vibrant and clear.  Like my eyeballs had just been upgraded to Real 3D.  I saw the butter on the Naan I had been holding in my hand, and I was so fascinated by it.  I looked down at my Butter Chicken, and it seemed like I was looking at food for the first time in my life.  It was a great big W  O  W-fest in my head and body.  I was thoroughly amazed by my food.

Not only that, but it felt like I had gone from the back seat of the car, to the front of the car and was driving.  Meaning, I felt a distinct shift from being an observer in the background of myself. . . to suddenly coming to the forefront.  I felt like I <— the Soul ME, was HERE and in body and getting to use the eyes of this body and the limbs of this body and the feelings of this body, for the first time. . . like ever!  Or at least since childhood.  Before the teenage me, booted Me out. (hehe)

It’s like I’m me. . . but the conscious part of me. . . what I think of as my Soul. . . has had to sit in the backseat of the body as an observer, until the me. . . uh. . . the physical? emotional body? me, moved out of the way to allow the Soul Me to come forward.  That’s probably as clear as mud, but oh my god is it an awesome experience.

At least the Soul Me was absolutely fascinated by it.   There was a whole bunch of “NO WAY!”, and “OMG!” going on.  Meanwhile, the smaller me was in the backseat going, “What?  What are you going on about?  What is so fascinating?”.

The food in my hand and on my plate was the most real I had ever experienced life.  I had also taken a moment to look outside, because the sun was reflecting off of the building across the street and was shining on the Naan in my hand and highlighting the butter. . . and that was just about blowing my mind.  I could NOT understand how I had gone all of my life not experiencing this awe and wonder every.single.second of my life.

How were people not jumping up and down about getting to experience all of this?!?!  How was everyone able to stay so calm?  I mean. . . oh my god!??! this is SO INCREDIBLE!!!  Being a Soul in a body is just about the coolest damned thing a soul can experience, and everyone is ACTING LIKE THEY’RE AT A FUNERAL!!!!

I have to admit, I’m pretty fond of Soul Me.  It was kind of contagious.  I had forgotten how excited I used to feel about getting to experience things in life.  And She was so damn genuinely excited and happy about just sitting there and looking at butter on Indian Bread.  I thought She was going to explode into dramatic song right there in the middle of the restaurant.  But I gave Her a “please god not right now” desperate big-eyed O.O stare.  She was merciful.  Plus, Her mouth was stuffed full with rice, bread, sauce and chicken.

But I know She’s not going to put up with being in the back seat for much longer.  Just this morning, as I waited for the Crosswalk to change on my daily Chai Tea Latte run, She popped into the driver’s seat and began moving to the music I was listening to.  I didn’t feel self conscious or foolish, I only felt great.  There was a feeling of, “I wanna move to this!” as my left leg started moving on its own.

It felt so good to allow that impulse, that on the return walk, I didn’t even try to hide it.

Enjoying the moment.

Sitting. The new walking.

Goal: To Be Hilariously Confident.

I am currently in the middle of an astonishing realization.

I was contemplating the pieces and clues I’ve been picking up the last couple of weeks or so.  Everything seems to keep circling around my self confidence (or lack of).  Once upon a time I remember having LOADS of confidence, and now I have very little.  What happened?

Well. . . a lot.

But, what I have been trying to get at, is the mechanism that keeps this in place for me.  My blind spot.

The trick to seeing your own blind spot, is that you have to move out of your usual cyclical thinking.  You can’t keep going through the same line of reasoning, and expect that the 413th time you repeat it, that you’ll miraculously have a Eureka moment.  You have to throw yourself some curveballs in order to see things in a different light.

Not to mention, you have to listen to what you are really feeling about things inside.  This is WAY trickier than it seems.  There are the ways we have felt about things for years. . . or *thought* we felt or knew about things. . . and then buried underneath that is what we *really* feel or know about things, but for any number of reasons we weren’t able to deal with it at some point in time and covered it with something easier or safer to deal with.  That’s where we hide our blind spots.

One way to find these elusive little fuckers, is openness and brutal honesty with ourselves.  And here’s an example of what that might look like.

My lack of self confidence.  I don’t feel confident that I know anything of real value.  It shows up and sabotages any number of things in my day to day life.  Many times in conversations and meetings, I will want to share something I’m thinking or feeling. . . but then I look at the others in the room and how they seem to have no problem saying what they think . . . then I also think of alllll the other times I have spoken up and was dismissed, given funny looks, or just met with awkward silence.  And then I think, “Nah. . . I don’t know better than anyone else.”

I was recently given some excellent feedback in a review at work.  It was valuable because it was true, and it was awesome because it took guts to say.  I.totally.respect.that.  Basically summed up, it said that nobody believes what I say because I lack confidence.  I *do* know what I’m talking about, but if I’m not even confident in what I’m saying. . . how can I expect anyone else to be?

Yes, of course!  {Big sigh of relief.}  That felt very true to me, and so it actually felt really good to hear.

So, with that valuable piece of information, I have been sleuthing for the underpinning that holds that whole setup in me together.  I’ve been doing the whole cyclical thinking, which looks like this –>

I don’t feel confident, because I don’t feel like I know anything.  I don’t feel like I know anything of any value to others.  Whenever I do speak up, it’s quickly attacked or dismissed.  “Oh, no it’s not that because. . . blah de blah.”  or “We already thought of that and it’s not that.”  or “No, that’s not it.”  Sometimes it’s, “Where’s your proof?” or “That doesn’t make any sense.”  When I was younger, the feeling was often that I’m too young to know better or it came across condescending like, “Oh. . . isn’t that adorable. . . she thinks she knows something.”

The things I felt strongly about and would say or share with the people around me, never seemed to be taken seriously or given any real thought.  Whether it was friends, family, teachers, coworkers, managers, etc. it didn’t matter.  Anything and everything out of my mouth was immediately wrong, and then I was given a list of reasons why it was wrong.  I wasn’t asked why I thought what I did.  In fact, I didn’t feel like I was being seen at all.  I was just being talked at.  “Here’s why you’re wrong blah de blah . . . here’s why I’m right. . . blah de blah. . . I’m so much better and smarter than you blah de blah. . . you’re so young and naive. . . blah de blah.”

Well hell’s bells.  Of course I don’t feel confident in what I say.  Because all of those people spoke with such confidence, I believed them over myself.  Over time I learned to squelch what I felt and wanted to say. . . because I knew it would automatically be wrong.  I felt unseen and unsupported.  I felt alone.  I felt I held no value.  I felt I had nothing to offer others, that they didn’t already know themselves.

So I kept quiet for years and years.  I let my curiosity run amok.  I wanted to learn and understand everything. . . so that maybe one day I would have something of value to add.  I dug deep inside of me and started ripping up the upholstery and examining every square inch of it.  I wanted to know the whys, whats, whens, wheres, and whos of everything.  Why does this happen?  Why do people respond this way?  Why do I respond this way?  Why does that keep happening?  I was more interested and motivated in finding the actual truth, than I was in being right (because let’s face it, THAT’s never going to happen).  I was brutally honest with myself over and over.  I also found that I can lie to myself better than anyone I know in order to avoid something that hurts really, really bad.

But also, I learned that nothing feels better than uncovering that untruth and setting it free.

When I cleared most of the mud, crap, junk, tangles, encrypted spaces. . . what I found, is that underneath all of that. . . what had hurt me the most. . . was when I stopped believing myself.  I feel and know things within myself.  I feel it in my body.  But as soon as I speak it, and it is refuted. . . I believe what they say over what I feel.  I say to them. . “Oh okay.”, and in that seemingly insignificant moment, I have agreed with them. . . I sent myself the message (as well as the other person) that I don’t believe in what I feel to be true and is less important or valuable than what the other person says or feels.

What it feels like on the surface, is that others don’t support me and that others don’t believe me.  But in actuality it’s me that’s not supporting myself and believing in me.

The reason I don’t believe in myself is because I was never able to immediately explain WHY I felt or thought what I did. . . I didn’t know how to explain how I knew what I knew. . . and since others usually had convention or tradition on their side (we do things like this because A, B, and C) they already had a well thought out argument in place to support their side.

I didn’t understand that I was trying to express a new thought or idea, because to me. . . it isn’t new, it feels like something everyone knows.  And the thing with new thoughts or ways of thinking, is that they don’t have scripted arguments to immediately counter the usual mode of thought.  It’s easy to shut a person down if they think differently than the norm, because we’ve collectively had years and years to refine the logic and arguments of the current way of thinking and we rarely give people the chance to collect their thoughts or the time to actually hear them out.  It’s like living in a perpetual debate club.  “If you can’t tell me in 3 seconds why your new thought or way isn’t superior to the standard bullshit way that we’ve been thinking for years, then you’re wrong.  And I win.  Ha.Ha.”

Anyways. . . that’s not even the realization I’m wanting to share – that was just a satisfying rant. : )

It was also to give a peek into my own cyclical thinking that keeps me going in circles instead of getting to that blind spot in me that would allow me to change perspective and move forward.

So now, here’s an example of what finding a blind spot in yourself may look like.

I’ve gone the majority of my life, with an unspoken/unacknowledged feeling that I have no value.  That I don’t know anything.  That I’m always wrong.  That I have nothing to offer or bring to the table.  Because of this, I wasn’t able to understand my purpose in life.  I don’t know why I’m here or what I’m supposed to do or what I even want.  Nothing makes sense.  Everything is confusing.  On the rare moments that I had my confidence back, the world was bright and golden to me.  I was ALIVE!  I loved and I was open and I was so god.damn.happy.  And everything, absolutely everything makes sense to me and is so crystal clear.

So, why do I ruin all of that with a lack of confidence?  Because all I see when I look at all of the times I did speak up, are the times and individuals who spoke up with a false confidence.  I made those individuals, representatives of the whole.  They were the ones squawking the loudest, and nobody else ever spoke against them. . . and by default (in my mind). . . that meant they agreed with that one.  I’ve let all of that… define who I am.  I have let that have power over me.  I agreed and accepted what they decided about me.  Even if it was projection, bad assumptions, ignorance, arrogance… or just them having a rotten day.  I’ve let those moments and those individuals, paint my whole perception of who I am to the world.

It was so loud to my senses, and so hurtful inside. . . that I couldn’t see, hear or be aware of anything outside of it.

And it never, ever, occurred to me. . . that not everyone felt that way about me.  It didn’t occur to me, that in those same moments that one person was tearing me down. . . two or three others were silently cheering me on.  Because in those moments that I was being torn down, I was in such an emotional state and I would become so defensive (closed) that I wasn’t even capable of being aware of others.

I have felt so alone in my fight in my life.  It’s regularly felt like it’s me vs. everyone else, because typically the only people with balls to speak up with confidence about things, are the very ones who should probably keep their mouths shut.  And the ones who actually have something of value to say, are the ones who typically keep quiet.

So, step one for me, with this realization in hand. . . is to see my own value.  Not with false modesty, not with an inflated sense of self importance. . . but by opening up to myself and being as honest about my value as I have been about my faults.  I have valuable information.  I am capable of adding value to this world we’re in.  But nothing I have to say is going to add any value, if I am unable to properly value it myself.

Self confidence comes from self.  Not others.  And a few others, do not speak for the whole.  The biggest realization I had this morning, is that there are. . . and has been my whole life. . . a whole sea of people silently supporting me.  I just couldn’t hear them over my own fear and loudness of a few individuals.  And it’s THOSE silent supporters that I need to be aware and grateful for in my life.  I need to make THAT a bigger priority in my life, rather than giving more importance and attention to the haters of the world.

And I am so sorry for not having seen the silent supporters sooner.  I know what it’s like to be silently doing all kinds of awesome and never getting acknowledged because everyone’s more focused on the loudmouths of the group. . . and yet I’ve been doing it myself all along.  (<— bonus blind spot found –> level up )

I’m sorry for it, but at the same time. . . I’m cool with it.  It feels so GOOD to finally see it at all, that it’s super hard to be all *boo hoo* about it.  It’s actually kind of funny.

“Ohhhhh woe is me. . . I am so misunderstoo…. oh wait, what?  Oh… it’s me?  Oh.  HA!  I’m so hilarious.”

What hilariously confident looks like. As a cat.