5am Floor Revelations

I tend to get up at the crack of dawn (5am) so that I have time each day just for me.  It’s quiet because no one else is crazy enough to get up that early on purpose.  It’s when I do my writing, contemplation, meditation . . . just whatever it is that feels good for me.

So this morning was spent laying face down in the carpet with me questioning just how important “me time” really is, when I felt an emotional block suddenly give in me and a whole new world reopened within me.

It came as a sneak attack single thought, “I get to feel whatever I’m feeling.”

In the moment of surprise, before brain was able to interrupt, I saw a flash of insight on just how important this was for me.  If I am feeling something, even if it goes against everything I think I know . . . even if it seems like a “bad” feeling that I shouldn’t (or don’t want to) have . . . I NEED to let myself still feel it.

When I try to pretend I don’t feel something because I’ve either made a snap judgment about it, or feel like others would misunderstand, the feeling doesn’t go away . . . it just becomes repressed.  I just numb the feeling.  Pretend it’s not real.  Which is telling myself that it’s not okay to feel it.  That I’m wrong or bad to feel it.  Except that no matter what I want or don’t want, the feeling is still there regardless.

How will I ever understand why I’m feeling it or what it means if I refuse to even allow myself to have it?  Every time I have followed a feeling, it’s rarely meant or been as big of a deal as I first thought it would be.  But when I repress it . . . down the road it explodes out of me and THEN it does become a big deal, usually involving casualties.

Here’s a scenario to help illustrate what I mean.

Let’s say there is a married couple.  Marie and George.  They’ve been together for many years and they are a very loving, committed couple.  But then one day, Marie is at her weekly book club, and a new guy joins the group.  They make introductions and everything is cool.  She doesn’t think anything of it.

However, the next day, Marie finds that her thoughts keep going to the new man she met.  And when she does think of him, she feels things . . . things she shouldn’t be feeling towards another man . . . because she’s married.  She would never dream of cheating on George.  So she can’t feel those feelings.  She’s not one of *those* women.  (<–judge much?)  So she refuses to let herself acknowledge or feel those feelings.  She makes them leave her head.

That’s how simple repression is.

Now, back to my early morning floor revelation.  From the perspective I had this morning, Marie should instead honor her feelings.  Take some space and time for herself, and let herself feel into the feelings without trying to make them right or wrong.  Instead of immediately jumping to the conclusion that having those feelings means it will lead to an affair, let the feelings have a chance to express why they are there at all.  What are they trying to tell Marie?

To take it one step further, George, as her committed and loving partner . . . should be someone that she is able to safely talk to about what she is feeling without either person feeling threatened, shutting down, or having a meltdown.  It should be a safe space.  That’s how you build real trust.

There should be an understanding, that while they are a committed couple . . . they are *still* individuals within a partnership, and EACH are entitled to have and experience their very own feelings without it meaning it’s the end of the world or throwing accusations, blame, or fault.

Let’s say George is that kind of partner, and Marie feels safe enough to discuss it with him.  She lets him know that she recently met a man in her book club, and that she was feeling an attraction to him and it’s concerning her that she’s feeling that.  George, in all his wisdom, understands that Marie is trusting and opening up to him . . . and that in itself is a good sign of how strong their relationship is, so he let’s her know that he’s there to listen and help her understand her feelings.

Now Marie is feeling safe and supported in her feelings, and feels okay to explore what’s actually going on in her feelings with him.  Maybe after having an open conversation with George, each expressing their own feelings about it, they both discover together that Marie has been feeling a little neglected by George because he’s had to work some extra hours at the office.  It doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault . . . it just is what it is.

But now, by openly communicating and trusting each other, they’ve both become aware of it and can work together to help meet the needs of both.

At her next book club, Marie finds that the pull isn’t so strong with the new man, because she feels very loved and supported by her current partner and has no wish or desire to disrupt that.  The guy still looks hot . . . but he’s not George.  ; )

We have feelings for a reason.  They tell us what’s what.  They tell us when something is wrong . . . they tell us when something is right.  It is because of them that we get to feel love.  It is because of them that we get to feel joy and happiness.  And yes, they are also what allows us to feel grief, sorrow, and pain.

But if you ignore, avoid, and repress the ones you don’t like or understand because you don’t want to deal with what they’re trying to tell you, then you will also start to lose the ability to feel the good ones.  Feelings come from our heart.  They need to be felt and they need to be honored.  Unless you’re a robot.  Then carry on.

Not many people are fortunate enough to have someone in their life that they can be this open and trusting with, and that’s truly a shame.  But you can start with yourself.  Let yourself feel whatever it is you’re feeling.  The more controversial, the better.  It’s kind of like hearing the juiciest gossip about someone you know really well, (“No.way.  No she didn’t.  O.O  Shut the front door!  That slut!”) except it’s about yourself.

But no matter how guilty or shameful you think any of your feelings are . . . you get to feel them.  That is your God-given right.  They are yours to feel, have, and acknowledge.

What I think is most important to understand about this, is that you have the right to have these feelings AND you should still be able to expect to be accepted, supported, and loved by trusted others in your life even if they differ from their own feelings.  And if they’re truly worthy of someone’s trust, they will.

Some may need patience and time to learn a new way of being.  And a role model to know what it looks like in practical use.  You can be that person.

Now, if you'll excuse me . . . I have some things to do

Now, if you’ll excuse me . . . I have some things to do

Comments

  1. This is so helpful to a Moon in Scorpio – I am often in denial about my feelings. True, I’m vastly better at feeling my feelings than 20 years ago but am still not adept at it. Thank you 🙂 Love your writing/voice. From a Virgo Rising, Pisces Sun, Mercury in Aries, Gemini MH and Neptune/Jupiter conjunction in 3rd house Sag – so maybe that’s why I think I can relate to you?

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    • Thanks, BB, I’m sure those are some solid reasons for relating to me.

      You know, I used to misunderstand when people had planets in Scorpio, I thought they *knew* or were more aware of the things in the shadows that others never really pay attention to, and I suppose that may be what happens when a person masters that energy . . . but holy cow, yes, I’ve come to learn that it’s the opposite of what I thought. Scorpio tends to have darker things happen in life, but (blanks) them out.

      And all of that Sagittarius, omg.

      Probably a lot of painting a loving and beautiful picture over some not so loving and beautiful situations.

      I know that’s what I had to do when I was younger. I couldn’t emotionally handle what was happening, and so I painted a different story over what was happening that I completely believed because I had to in order to maintain sanity.

      Learning to get down to my real feelings has meant having to admit to myself what was really going on when I was younger. That is about as fun as taking an ice shower at 4am in the dead of winter.

      But I also know that it was for the best that it happened that way for me. It protected the part of me that was too young to understand what was going on from being completely destroyed, and postponed the trauma until I had enough life experience to be able to put it in the proper perspective and be able to handle it with less disastrous consequences.

      I figure that I learn how to feel more of my own feelings, as soon as I’m equipped to handle what that might unlock in me. So . . . even if it takes you another 20 years before you’re all ‘master of your feelings’, know that that is exactly right for you. It’s a part of your journey and adventure. Onward to the next set of feelers! RAWR! 😀

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