The Hum of Life

I got caught up in thinking I have to do or be one thing or the other.

Maybe one day I’ll look back on the sum of my life and find that I had been exactly what I wanted all along.

Not because I set out to be any one thing . . . but because I was being what was asked of me in any given moment by mother nature herself.

There is an ongoing Hum of Life that supplies you with everything you need.

I can feel it in my heart, I can sense it with my mind, and it reverberates with my soul.

It soothes and reassures you like a mother would.

It will listen to all of your troubles with an open heart . . . embrace you with warmth while you cry it out . . . and then truthfully let you know that everything is going to be alright.

If you try to hold or control the flow . . . it becomes illusive.

It is not something meant to be owned or possessed.

It is a gift meant to be respected and honored.

It must be allowed continuous flow . . . or it will become stagnant and old.  If held against its will, it takes on a poisonous form.

Let it run free and it will gladly give you everything you need.  Try to capture or control it, and it will take from you everything you want.

It is not you that tells the Hum of Life how to be.  It is the Hum of Life that tells you simply what is.

The Green Marshmallow Stuff

I think one of the more awkward parts for me after a breakup, is wading through the minefield that becomes my daily life after the initial shock has worn off.  I have all these *blank spots* in my life now.  Both the things we used to do on a daily basis, as well as the joint future plans . . . they’re all just gone.  I have to re-orient, re-prioritize, re-establish everything.

Until I gain a foothold and give myself new coordinates on where I’m headed, I’m just a ship lost at sea.  Wishing I had thought to bring a game of yahtzee or a puzzle or SOMETHING, because it’s really fucking boring bobbing up and down out in the middle of nowhere.  Patience, schmatience.

So, in the meantime in order to fill the holes in my life I’ve started doing crazy shit like cooking.  I know I’m in a weird place in my life when my response to “what now?” is answered with anything even remotely related to the kitchen.  That is *not* my domain.  It’s like a new foreign country to me.  I don’t understand the customs and I definitely don’t understand the language.  It’s all ooga booga to me.

The night before last, as I stayed up way past my bedtime reading, out of NOWHERE came this intense craving for some green marshmallow “salad” thing I used to eat when I was younger.  I wanted it so much, I nearly got dressed at 1am in the morning and braved the cold to hunt down the needed ingredients.  But the warm, comfy bed won that battle.

So I stopped on the way home after work yesterday to get them.  I’m not sure what I was thinking, but I walked into the grocery store with no recipe and absolutely no idea what the name of the stupid dish even was.  Just green . . . fluff . . . stuff.  I’m a planning type person.  Walking all willy nilly into a store without an exact list of needed ingredients for a recipe isn’t my m.o.  I was out of control.

I probably spent a good 30 minutes standing in the cake mix aisle next to the Jell-O boxes, doing search after search on my phone on ingredients I was guessing based on a very fuzzy memory of something I hadn’t eaten in years and years.  *Green stuff*  *Green Jell-O salad stuff*  *Green fluffy marshmallow stuff* *Green Jell-O salad with cream cheese and marshmallow*  *Green Jell-O salad marshmallows* Oh wait . . . I don’t think it was green Jell-O . . . I think it was something to do with . . . pistachios?  *Pistachio green salad* *Pistachio green stuff with marshmallows* *Pistachio marshmallow pineapple*


I finally found a recipe I was willing to commit to.  It didn’t involve words or items that I did not want to deal with or have to figure out, like “2 cups of heavy cream”.  Did you know that there isn’t anything in the grocery store that is *just* heavy cream.  WTF is it referring to?  Is it milk that needs to go on a diet?  Is it creamer, but . . . special?  Is it soupy yogurt?  Is it condensed milk?  Is it heavy cream for whipping?  I don’t need that kind of complication in the kitchen, so those recipes got axed.

Once home, I put my brave face on because I didn’t want the food ingredients to know I was intimidated by them.  I tried to show them who was boss.  I drained the can of crushed pineapple, *BUT* . . . retained the juice.  Yeah, now who’s scared?  You thought I’d miss that little detail, didn’t you recipe?

And then . . . the recipe went all vague on me.

Stir together half of the pineapple juice with the pudding mix until well blended.

What?!  I thought I had done a good job of vetting out complicated recipes, but I FAILED.  I need measurements!!  I’m not some fancy Iron Chef who works with dashes of this and a dollops of that!  What is “half” of the pineapple juice?!

So then I started questioning whether I had even drained the crushed pineapple correctly.  Is there a kitchen “standard” for pineapple draining that I don’t know about?  Do I let it drain naturally, or do I press all of the juice out of the pineapple?  There’s a lot of liquid in pineapple that could make a huge difference in the amount of juice I start out with before “halving” it.

I winged it.  Why not?  I was already living dangerously.  I picked up my bowl of pineapple juice and just poured some into a bigger bowl.  I took a deep breathe and started stirring in the pudding mix.  By the 2nd package, it started to feel like I was trying to stir cement, so I was fairly certain I was going to need more pineapple juice.  And also at this point, I was starting to come to peace with the fact that this entire thing may not work out and be a disaster, in which case I was going to be grabbing the chips and dip and consoling myself on the couch.

More juice.  More pudding mix.  Little more juice.  Rest of pudding mix.  Feeling more confident about my choices thus far.  Starting to calm down a little and backing away from the ledge.  Whew.  Okay.  Ready for the next step.

Gently fold in the Cool Whip and carefully stir in the pineapple and marshmallows.

Gently fold?  Am I making love to my laundry or am I making food?  The lines were beginning to blur.

I started doing my best impersonation of folding 16 oz of cool whip (the big container) into what looked like green Laffy Taffy at the bottom of my mixing bowl and having many, many doubts.  And getting exhausted from trying to mix two completely different consistencies, but I powered through.

Successful mixing of green concrete and cool whip.

Successful mixing of green concrete and cool whip.

I mixed the pineapple without much fanfare, and so had arrived at the final ingredient: marshmallows.  I had gone through a lot with this dish.  I had had my ups and downs.  I had been pushed far out of my comfort zone more than once.  I was a changed person.  I started to measure out the two cups of marshmallows.  The relief of finally getting to use a measuring cup for the first time the whole evening was indescribable.  “Oh finally, thank you!  I love you, measuring cup!”

After I was done, I stood there staring at the bowl.

* * * c o n t e m p l a t i n g * * *

And then grabbed the bag of marshmallows and poured more in.

Every single marshmallow you see, is above and beyond the 2 cups asked for in the recipe.

Every single marshmallow you see, is above and beyond the 2 cups asked for in the recipe.

I had gone mad.  The recipe had broken me.  It was anarchy in my kitchen.  Not just with my rash recipe decisions, but with the mess I had left behind on the counter:

Just look at that pistachio pudding powder disaster.

Just look at that pistachio pudding powder disaster.

I survived, but I will never be the same.

Now . . . if you’ll excuse me . . . I have some delicious green marshmallow stuff waiting for me in the refrigerator.

Instead Of Condemning The Bullies, How About We Help Show Them A Better Way

Earlier while watching a moving and inspirational video clip that a friend of mine shared on facebook, I felt a loving and patient mama bear emerge from within who had something she wanted to say.

The video clip can be found here, and the article is titled A Developmentally Challenged Boy is Getting Bullied.  What His Peers Do Will Surprise You. It’s about a young boy with a disability who has been getting bullied, and many of his classmates showing their support for him.

What was most touching for me, was seeing one of the young boys who was supporting the bullied child get choked up with tears while speaking about what they were doing, and then the reassuring pats on the shoulder from his friends.  Not to mention the bullied child, Danny, is just about the most adorable thing you’ll see all day.  {big choked up super sigh}

But in that same moment, I felt my heart grow 3 sizes bigger (you know . . . Grinch-like . . . because it is the holidays and all) and I felt a pull and need also go out to the ones who do the bullying.

[Side note: Because I don’t want to take away from the inspiration and message of the video, I’d like to shift the focus from it being about the bullies of this specific incident to making it about bullies in general, even though I may refer to the incident as an example.]

What came up, was a feeling of sorrow and heartbreak for the bullies as well as the bullied.  The same kind of feeling that might come up in a mother who has just found out her own child has been hurt and humiliated, except I felt it simultaneously for both sides.

As the clip went on, I felt a sense of warmth, healing, and support for the one who was bullied.  I felt hope.  I felt very proud of the boy’s classmates for making such a gesture.  Peer pressure in school is harsh, and these young boys had to have a lot of courage to do what they did.

But the part of me that felt the sorrow and heartbreak for the bullies, continued to feel cold and neglected.  And it hurt.  And it made me want to cry for them.  It made me want to hold them in my arms in love.  All of them.  Because they are young too . . . and they are already losing their way . . . and I don’t ever see anyone stepping in to help them with love, compassion, or support.

Children model what they are shown (in their own individualistic way).  And for bullies, somewhere along the line, the adults and people in their lives have let them down.  They are then punished for it, and made to carry the burden of their ancestor’s sins.  How are they supposed to learn acceptance, understanding, and forgiveness when they are shunned, out-casted, and repeatedly told how despicable bullies are by all of society?

It feels like the moment we put the label “bully” onto a child, they cease to become human.  They become these ugly, snarly-toothed, drooling, incomprehensible monsters (Tasmanian Devil comes to mind) that everyone comes to boo and hiss and throw tomatoes at.  Booo!  You Loser!  How dare you make a bad life decision at the age of six!  You should probably go ahead and pack your bags and leave the planet because you’re not wanted here.

Okay, so maybe I’m over exaggerating. (maybe.)

But I think the point I’m trying to make is that we need to separate unacceptable behavior from the person themselves.  Their behavior is what is unacceptable.  Not them.  How ironic is it that we cannot see that the bully is not his bad behavior, even as we punish him (or her. equal opportunity for being an asshole.) for not seeing or understanding that the disability (or insert whatever here. . . being poor, ugly, uncoordinated, etc.) is not the identity of the kid they are bullying?

Are we not a world just brimming to the teeth full of hypocrisy and judgment?

Quit polarizing.  It’s unflattering and it makes your ass look fat.

I feel if we really want to put a stop to things such as bullying, we need to stop bullying the bully.  (<— wait . . . am I currently being a bully to the people bullying the bulliers . . . oh lawd help me!)

Because truthfully, we all have an inner bully.  Whether it’s towards ourselves or others . . . spoken out loud or kept quiet deep inside of us . . . it’s there.  “I’m too fat.”  “I’m such an idiot.”  “I’m so ugly.”  “I’m hungry.”  (That last one was just to see if you were paying attention.  And I’m actually hungry.)  When we are so ruthless and unforgiving of bullies, we are being just as ruthless and unforgiving of our own inner bully.

If we are sincere in our wish to stop the bullying, then I feel the entire approach and the way we perceive it needs to be completely revolutionized.  Instead of ‘good victimized kid’ vs. ‘bad devil spawn kid’, we need to see them both as children who are in a long trial and error process of learning how to grow into awesome adult version of themselves within a world full of other awesome human beings (that are sometimes going to act like assholes).

Maybe when a situation like this happens, we could doing something like bring the kid that was bullied and all of his friends into one area.  Bring the kid that was bullying and all of their friends into another area.  Have understanding, supportive adults who are capable of being in a non-judgmental space with each group.

Have each group hold the space for them (the bullier and bullied), to let them vent out their feelings regarding the situation.  Not judge if it’s right or wrong . . . just let them say whatever needs to come out.  Let the friends they trust, be there to give witness to their pain or anger or upset.  Not try to rush it.  Not try to fix it.  Not try to justify it.  Not try to make it less than it is.  Just to let them have the feelings they are having.

The adults can stand as the solid ground for the students as they work to get themselves right side up.

Once a feeling of peace, calm, acceptance, and understanding has become the dominant tone for the whole group, (for both groups) . . . then make the transition of moving both groups together into a 3rd neutral area, and allow the two halves to harmonize with each other (the same way as they did as separate groups) and mend the break/hurt that happened due to the situation.

It doesn’t mean they have to agree or even like each other.

But they can gain expanded awareness and understanding of things that are different outside of themselves.  They can learn how to respect and honor those differences.  They can learn how to accept people as they are without trying to change or control them.  And because of that, they can learn how to accept all of themselves as well . . . including their own inner bully.

Because they will have been shown, that even if they mess up or have a bad day and act like a total jackass, they won’t be hung from the ceiling by their toenail and tortured with an organic carrot . . . instead, they’ll be given priceless tools that will help them in real life as adults by showing them how to make amends (regardless of what ‘side’ they’re on), as well as being given an opportunity to try again with a sense of community and support.

Instead of condemning the bullies, how about we show them a better way.

Or maybe do this.

Or maybe do this.

The Tale of Those *With* and *Without*

Once upon a time there was a world where a person’s awareness and focus was the sole currency.  Their *attention*.

And in this world, there were those who knew how to tap into their own internal source in order to have plenty of *attention* to spend on whatever they felt was most important and valuable.  Whatever they spent it on, gave it life.  They were allowed to spend their resource in any way they wished.

And also in this world, there were others who did not yet know how to tap into their own internal source.  They were dependent on the *attention* of those who did have their own internal source.

The ones *with* the resources, held a great responsibility in caring for those *without* the resource.  They also held the responsibility in teaching and preparing those *without*, how to one day become one of those *with*.

A simple system was used.

When those *without* behaved in a way that was aligned with those *with*, they were rewarded with *attention*.  If they then chose to spend that *attention* wisely, it would bring them closer to the next level of their development, and ever closer to becoming one of those *with*.

Becoming one of those *with*, granted a person the much coveted freedom of no longer being dependent on others, as well as no longer having to do what others said for your survival.  But with it also came the shared burden of responsibility for those *without*.

The road going from *without* to *with* was a long one.  Along the path, a person *without* had to learn many things such as discipline, strength, courage, patience, humility, kindness, love, and integrity.

They had to learn faith and perseverance, even when their journey became strewn with obstacles and nothing made sense.

They had to learn how to trust that those *with* could see the bigger picture having made the journey themselves . . . even if it seemed that they were being unfair or unjust.  Those *without* didn’t have to like it, but they needed to learn to respect it.

There were many, many things to learn and understand along the way.  Those who were eager, open, & genuine were able to move through the process quickly.  Those who were stubborn, prideful, & impatient . . . took a little longer to get through.

Each ultimately had the same tasks to learn, because was necessary in order to even become capable of becoming a person *with*.  But to allow for each person’s individuality, they were allowed to choose for themselves the way in which they went about learning it.

They were also allowed to go at the pace that best suited them, with the understanding that there was a deadline for each cycle.  When this time came, each would be given a personalized final exam that they would have to pass in order to graduate and become a person *with*.  If a person did not pass, they would have to be held back and continue their education.

Things worked well at the beginning of the cycle because there was plenty of time, and everyone felt at ease to be their own person without any threat.

But as it neared the end of the cycle, and the looming final exams that would be the deciding factor on who would graduate and become the ones *with* and who would need to continue as ones *without* . . . those who had been goofing off and spending their *attention* unwisely. . . started to panic and become desperate.

Because of their deficiency in *attention* from not aligning themselves in the given time with the ones who were *with*, they were low in awareness and in the dark about what was happening.

Some used the fear as an opportunity to get back on their path.  But many instead tried to use what *attention* they had, to lie, trick, and steal *attention* and awareness from other students who had been learning their lessons diligently all along and had quite a bit of *attention*.

It seemed unfair to the ones in the dark, that others should have more *awareness* than them.  Because of their own lack of awareness, they were unable to see very far below the surface of outer appearances.  If they could’ve, they would’ve become aware of just how much *attention* the others had invested in themselves and their journey, and that although it looked like it was just handed to them . . . they had truly earned it.

And it seemed unfair to the ones who had put in all of the hard work and effort, that they should be forced to suffer such fools as those in the dark who had had the same opportunities as them, but wasted them.

But before they can graduate and become a person *with*, they have to learn how to shoulder the burden of responsibility for teaching and preparing the people *without*.

Our Many Different Ways

Whether it’s trust in life, trust in others, or trust in self . . . most of us will experiences issues with trust at one point or another in our lives.

There are examples of it everywhere.  Even logging into my wordpress account this morning, a banner showed asking me to visit my settings page to make sure I enable a feature in order to make my account more secure.  Because you can’t *trust* that something undesirable won’t happen.

Here are some examples from my personal life of how my own trust issues disguise themselves:

  • When someone I love is having trouble, and I cross a line inside of myself from being someone who is listening to them and supporting their choices and their path independent of my own feelings, to feeling personally responsible for helping or fixing their problem.  What I’m really doing, is telling them that I don’t trust that they can figure it out on there own.  It may stem from their own distrust in themselves, it may come from my own distrust in myself . . . but whatever way you want to look at it . . . the source of the issue in these situations for myself, comes from a lack of trust.
  • Whenever I try to explain what I’m saying from every perspective imaginative, not from a place of wanting to show the many different ways of seeing something, but because I don’t want to be misunderstood . . . I’m showing a lack of trust.  I am not trusting that people will understand me.  I’m not trusting that people will give me the benefit of the doubt.  I’m not trusting that they will ask me for clarity.  I’m not trusting that it will be okay even if someone does misunderstand me.
  • Anytime I become too scared to say what I’m really feeling or wanting, because I don’t trust that the person will respond to me in a fair and understanding manner.  Or really, because a person has the right to respond in whatever manner they want, I don’t trust that I’ll know how to handle it if they don’t respond to me in a fair and understanding manner.  I don’t trust that the person will give me an opportunity to talk it out between us before assuming the worst of me and shutting me out.

These are just a few examples.  As creative beings, we have come up with endless different ways to show the same feeling from person to person.

In what creative ways have you learned how to express distrust in your life?

Maybe being too trustful

Maybe being too trustful

The Golden Gate

This post is probably long overdue and will be including some examples of my ghetto drawing abilities.

It’s actually related to an email that I sent a friend in an attempt to translate TBs (terabytes) of energetic information I was receiving at the end of September, into something that was less . . . wordy.  However, my visual art skills are lacking.  As in, I will wonder what is wrong with you if you *aren’t* laughing at them.

As I’ve mentioned in other posts, I’m very aware of the “unseen” world.  I lump all of what I sense, see, feel under a general umbrella of energetics.  There needs to be a whole new vocabulary added to our language for what is going on . . . but for now, people tend to get the gist of what I’m referring to if I just call all of it energetics.

There is a LOT going on in that arena the last few years.  There’s a lot going on inside of us that goes beyond our understanding of what we grew up with or what we were taught when we were younger.  We’re all heading into uncharted waters.  Well . . . that’s not exactly true . . . the information was passed down over thousands of years, but it’s all encrypted in symbols and stories.  I’d prefer something that said “Step 1: Don’t forget to breathe.  Step 2: . . . ” but nope.

But it’s okay . . . because the whole point of the changes we’re going through as a collective at the moment, is to feel out our own (*new*) way.  It’s a process of moving from depending on outside authority, to trusting and understanding our own inner authority.  Your very own self-regulated moral compass.  Imagine not having to have others tell you what is best for you or what you should be doing?  Imagine knowing and feeling that out for yourself.  And imagine that, as it becomes standard practice for everyone to be tuned into their own hearts, that everything harmoniously works out because it’s tuning into the natural rhythm of the universe.  That’s where we’re headed.

But one step at a time.  First, I’ll start by getting my feet wet in my initial attempt at communicating an abstract concept related to the changes many are beginning to experience right now.  For what it’s worth, any information I share is from personal experiences of taking those concepts I’ve received either through dreams, energetics, or what others have shared and applying them directly to my very own day to day life and working out the kinks by trial and error.  It is from my very own knowing and understanding through living it, and not just repeating things I’ve read in books or online.

Today, what I wish to share, is a shift or process within ourselves that goes from living a life from the viewpoint of “mini me”, to living life from the viewpoint of your Larger Self.  From small you to “Big Girl”/”Big Boy” You.  And although I have this under the umbrella of energetics, it is also a very physical process.  It is very real.

I’m not expecting you to immediately understand what I mean when I say things like “flowing through your core” or  “divine energy”.  I have come up with my own words or labels to try and describe things.  It’s not a situation in which it is something everyone else knows or understands except you. There’s a simple solution for picking up what it is that *you* specifically need to get out of this, which is to not hold on too tightly to my verbiage.  Let it be fluid.  Focus on what it *feels* like for you.  Don’t worry so much on what I may have meant . . . so much as how it feels and corresponds to what you feel inside of you.  Use this as a stepping stone to begin the connection and a whole new relationship and understanding of yourSelf.

I’ve referred to this process as “Getting to Larger Than Life” and even once as “The Adult Children’s Guide to Being Avatar Awesome!”, but it could just as easily be called “Getting Out of Your Own Way and Opening Up to Life Furreals” or “Letting the Sunshine In”.

I’d like to introduce you to George.  He will be our run of the mill basic human body that I will be using as a model.  Minus the arms and legs.  And everything else.  Except the head and torso.

George Basic Body

George has reached a point in his existence where he’s starting to reconnect back to *home*.  He’s starting to feel things again that he hasn’t felt since he was a child.  Awareness outside of ordinary day to day things has begun to expand.  The feeling that there is something more . . . something bigger.  OR maybe George is just trying to figure out why he’s become sick all of the time.  Exhausted, headaches, congested, stomach cramping, insomnia, etc. and the overall feeling like life has become such a huge challenge and things just aren’t like they used to be.

Unseen or energetically, there is an influx of energy coming from “above” and moving into us through our head.  Imagine a large cylinder or pipe inserted at the top of your head and going through your whole center body.

George With Downward flowThe energy coming in, is gold in nature.  I call it divine energy because that’s how it feels to me.  It can feel big and intense, especially if you’re tensed/resisting/blocking it.  One way to know if this is happening, is when you become ill in any way.  Blockages and resistance can happen when we try to run or avoid ourselves or the things we know we need to face.  These become emphasized when things such as colds or flus go through and pushes our body’s limits.  If you’re open and unblocked enough, you may not even know it was ever there.

Btw, I’m greatly simplifying here on purpose.  I’m only highlighting or calling out one area that is an integrated part of a much larger process going on.  So, I’m oversimplifying so as to not overwhelm, but (obviously) this isn’t all that there is.

When you do block any area going through your core, it tends to stop/block/restrict the flow.  You can gain a lot of information depending on what is hurting or having trouble in your body.  And you can always trace those injuries/illnesses to thoughts, beliefs, understanding, or social conditioning.  If you think you can’t, then you’ve hit a blind spot within yourself, and is most likely an understanding that you’ve had in life since you were a child and it hasn’t occurred to you yet to question whether it still holds true for you, i.e. social conditioning.

Ironically, you often need someone from outside of yourself to help you see these.  My rule of thumb in the past has been that if I hear 3 or more people independently accuse me or saying a similar thing about me . . . I might want to swallow my pride and start looking into the possibility of it being true.

While the blockages can happen anywhere along the path through our center, I’m going to focus and illustrate the blockage in our solar plexus.  Our personal power.  Because this is where we are generally stuck as a collective.  (In general) We give our power away.  We depend on authority outside of ourselves.  When things happen that we don’t understand, and/or our outer authority has kept us in the dark or doesn’t seem to know what the hell they’re doing either . . . we tend to become afraid, and we move into survival mode.

When we become afraid, we instinctively tighten our stomachs in defense . . . to brace and protect ourselves.  When this becomes a standard way of being . . . we cut off from our lower half by tightening more and more.  We lose our ability to relax.  To enjoy the things we used to enjoy.  We begin to lose our ability to feel safe, loved, warm, and secure (as well as giving those things to others).  We start to become defensive.  We stop trusting in life, in others, and in ourselves.  We lose confidence.  Life loses its warm glow.  Things feel cold, grey, and lonely.

So when we have that gold energy trying to come in through the top of our heads (often times feeling like actual pressure moving through our body), and makes its way through the core . . . and hits the solar plexus area that is tightened from so much fear . . . it starts to pool up.  You may start to feel good, or experience things you haven’t experienced before . . . but the potential you have with this gold energy will remain very limited while you are still holding your body in fear or trying to defend yourself from things that scare you.

George Blocked FlowIn this picture, you can see that as the energy tries to get in . . . it starts to slow down as it funnels into the ever increasing blocked/closed/tightened area.  And here is the #1 reason I harp on people about being Real with yourselves.  You can think you *are* being honest with yourself ALLLL you want . . . but if you aren’t really, truly being honest with yourself, this area . . . this gate . . .  If you do not humble yourself, get past your pride, forgive, have compassion . . . it

If you look closely at this image, there is a golden wheel above the “hourglass” block.  (Btw, for anyone who studies esoterics . . . take a good look at the red symbols and you will find a gold mine of information regarding what is going on here.)  That golden wheel represents the most you can become or shine while you are blocked or in fear.  It is the limited you.  It is the smaller you.  It feels okay.  But it’s also frustrating as fuck.  Because somewhere inside of you, you KNOW you can be much more than you are.

And even the okay feeling won’t last for long, because it cannot stay there.  It’s like a baby being stuck in the birth canal.  If it doesn’t come all of the way out, the baby can’t sit there and grow into a full adult within the birth canal.  The choices become, coming all of the way out and being born, or going back where it came from and leaving (dying).  So if you have this block, and you don’t put in the hard labor needed to open it (being honest with self, healing, forgiving, stop trying to control everything) then the gold energy will be forced to retreat and leave.

It can even be seen as “spirit”.  If you let your spirit die . . . this is what is happening.  The gold/divine energy has to retreat until you *are* ready to put in the necessary work.  It’s not about punishing the sinners or even karma as people understand it.  It’s about getting over yourself.  You can blame and fault anyone and anything else you want, all day long . . . that’s your right.  But the truth . . . the reality . . . is that in the end, it’s YOU that holds you back.

Now, as I’ve said in other posts/comments, it’s not that I’m saying what happens to us in our lives is fair.  When a young child is abused, causing them to shut down their power center or gate at a very young age . . . it *isn’t* fair that it’s still up to them to put in the hard work to heal and overcome the hurt in them.  To me that is the TRUE tragedy of child abuse.  The initial abuse isn’t nearly as devastating to an individual, as the realization and resulting process they have to go through in order to overcome it.  It’s either that, or live an entire life of misery and suffering.

So when I say to people to please be open and honest about what is really going on inside of you.  Because this is the gateway within you to freedom.  Freedom from your customized, self-imposed prison.  This is where the Phoenix dies and is reborn.  This is where you leave the life of victimhood, powerlessness, illness, and pain behind . . . and begin living a life of grace . . . joy . . . and happiness.  This is where you get to shine and BE everything you came here to be.  It’s where miracles happen.  Magic.  Synchronicity.  All of these things begin to increase when you are heading in the right direction, because you are beginning to move through this gate.

When you send a prayer . . . it’s through this core.  When you receive a response . . . it also comes through this core.  If you are closed tight due to extreme fear, worry, judgment, etc. . . . it CAN’T get through into this world.  You are your own judge.  And how you judge others, is how you judge yourself.  And your judgment and perception of the world is held like a library within your physical body.  And over long periods of time it can result in illnesses, leading eventually to death.

You are not powerless.  You HAVE a choice.  It’s not an easy one.  It’s not for everyone.  But it IS there should you decide that you want to try another way.  It takes a lot of courage, honesty, faith, trust, patience.  It requires that you slow down and pay attention to what the fuck is going on around you.  It requires that you re-evaluate your beliefs and understandings.  It requires you to let go of everything you thought you knew and understand about yourself and life.  It requires that you find the courage to change and do things another way.  It may result in losing contact with lifelong friends, and even family.  It means turning your life upside down.

The doorway to peace . . . heaven . . . freedom . . . is located on the other side of hell.  You have to walk through the dark, in order to reach the True Light.  I cannot put it any simpler than that.

I know, because I went there.  I personally did it.  I reached it.  And I could have stayed in that place, the place within myself of eternal peace, joy, and love.  Nobody would have faulted me for staying in that space.  But that’s not why I came to Earth.  That’s not the role I chose.

I consciously made the decision in the summer/autumn of 2012, to come back from the other side of that gate.  I had found home . . . I found the golden land, while still incarnated in a body.  I had found peace within.  I got to experience what it felt like to live in a constant state of grace for a couple of months.

Since then I’ve gone back and forth across the gate . . . from a state of remembering to forgetting over and over . . . in order to understand it enough to begin communicating and sharing the information I have gathered with others.

It’s tricky because it is a unique journey for each individual.  Each person has their own unique perception and filters to how they experience and know life.  There truly is no “one” way to get there.  But I do understand that we can each get there, by just being true to ourselves.  Being you . . . the real you . . . IS your map and compass.  I can help shine light on things, and I can wear a path between here and there to try and make it MUCH easier for you than it was for me and others.  But the actual walking of your path, is completely your choice and your responsibility.

When you’ve reached a point of opening, where you’ve learned to let go of the past and forgive yourself and others for whatever has happened, where you’ve learned how to be at peace with what is and not trying to make things how you think they are supposed to be, when you’ve come to peace with yourself and your life, furreals . . . not just pretending, really wishing you were, or for show . . . and have begun to learn true humility

. . . a magnificent shift begins to happen within you as this gate . . . as the lotus blossom within you begins to open.  It will feel like an actual unfolding and opening is happening within your lower body.  You will begin to feel such relief within yourself.  You’ll begin to understand and know intrinsically that everything is going to be alright . . . that you can let go of trying to control everything and everyone around you.  It will feel like you are taking your very first breath of fresh air.  You will not be able to stop yourself from feeling an immense welling of gratitude and love for all of it . . . everything . . . both in your personal life as well as the whole thing called life in general.  Things will begin to clear . . . you’ll start to understand things that never made sense before.  You’ll start to remember things you never knew you forgot.

I could go on and on.  There is no way to oversell it.  But you cannot reach it by forcing it into being or trying to pretend you’re there.  It just is.  It’s the reconciliation of duality and yet those things don’t go away.  You just learn what is needed and being asked for (and it can be anywhere on the map of polarity) in any given moment without effort, struggle, or judgment.

It is the most natural way of being there is.  All you’re really trying to do is remember your way back.

When that begins to happen (and it’s not necessarily linear . . . usually you’ll start popping in and out of it before you enter it fully and more permanently . . . like the tides coming in or when you’re bobbing up and down in the water), and the gold energy starts to be able to move all of the way through you uninhibited, then . . . that little golden wheel that was getting stuck in the birth canal, is able to be birthed into this physical world and expand and shine without limit.

The sun within (the solar plexus . . . and indeed it is our energetic gateway connection to our actual solar sun) is able to shine through us . . . we become the Sun.

George With Sunburst

Okay . . . so my solar plexus circle is showing a little high.  Eh. {shrug}  When you are in this state of being, your sense of being becomes huge.  You feel really big and open . . . and yet fully protected.  You have no need to prove anything.  You aren’t defensive.  You aren’t scared, in fact you feel calm and cared for.  You feel so much love coursing through every fiber of your being . . . that your “cup spilleth over” . . . you can’t help but let that golden energy spill out into the world around you without even doing anything.  It’s a force of nature all on its own.  The larger you shine, the more people that benefit just from being in its presence.  I want to say your presence . . . but it’s so much more than that.  It is A Presence.  You can’t help but LOVE the freaking bejeezers out of every single individual you come across . . . and feel such gratitude towards them for just EXISTING.

It’s the most beautiful way to experience life imaginable.  It’s everything a person ever wanted and more.  The ONLY thing I personally wanted more . . . was to somehow be able to give that experience to everyone else.  That’s my motive.  My hidden agenda.  I don’t want to be there alone.  I want every single one of you mother fuckers there with me.

So I’m not here to judge.  I don’t care what you’ve done.  I only care in the sense that it snags you up and prevents you from reaching personal genuine happiness and joy in life.  When I’m being blunt with people, it’s not because I’m unfeeling and insensitive (and so what if I am), it’s because I’m too aware of how small potatoes it is compared to what is waiting for you on just the other side of that door.  It’s more like . . . yeah, yeah, move it along . . . so we can get to the fucking pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  Put down that nasty jar of black tar shit you’ve been carrying around, pretending that’s who you are, and let’s get moving to the jars of pure golden honey that await you.  Seriously.

5am Floor Revelations

I tend to get up at the crack of dawn (5am) so that I have time each day just for me.  It’s quiet because no one else is crazy enough to get up that early on purpose.  It’s when I do my writing, contemplation, meditation . . . just whatever it is that feels good for me.

So this morning was spent laying face down in the carpet with me questioning just how important “me time” really is, when I felt an emotional block suddenly give in me and a whole new world reopened within me.

It came as a sneak attack single thought, “I get to feel whatever I’m feeling.”

In the moment of surprise, before brain was able to interrupt, I saw a flash of insight on just how important this was for me.  If I am feeling something, even if it goes against everything I think I know . . . even if it seems like a “bad” feeling that I shouldn’t (or don’t want to) have . . . I NEED to let myself still feel it.

When I try to pretend I don’t feel something because I’ve either made a snap judgment about it, or feel like others would misunderstand, the feeling doesn’t go away . . . it just becomes repressed.  I just numb the feeling.  Pretend it’s not real.  Which is telling myself that it’s not okay to feel it.  That I’m wrong or bad to feel it.  Except that no matter what I want or don’t want, the feeling is still there regardless.

How will I ever understand why I’m feeling it or what it means if I refuse to even allow myself to have it?  Every time I have followed a feeling, it’s rarely meant or been as big of a deal as I first thought it would be.  But when I repress it . . . down the road it explodes out of me and THEN it does become a big deal, usually involving casualties.

Here’s a scenario to help illustrate what I mean.

Let’s say there is a married couple.  Marie and George.  They’ve been together for many years and they are a very loving, committed couple.  But then one day, Marie is at her weekly book club, and a new guy joins the group.  They make introductions and everything is cool.  She doesn’t think anything of it.

However, the next day, Marie finds that her thoughts keep going to the new man she met.  And when she does think of him, she feels things . . . things she shouldn’t be feeling towards another man . . . because she’s married.  She would never dream of cheating on George.  So she can’t feel those feelings.  She’s not one of *those* women.  (<–judge much?)  So she refuses to let herself acknowledge or feel those feelings.  She makes them leave her head.

That’s how simple repression is.

Now, back to my early morning floor revelation.  From the perspective I had this morning, Marie should instead honor her feelings.  Take some space and time for herself, and let herself feel into the feelings without trying to make them right or wrong.  Instead of immediately jumping to the conclusion that having those feelings means it will lead to an affair, let the feelings have a chance to express why they are there at all.  What are they trying to tell Marie?

To take it one step further, George, as her committed and loving partner . . . should be someone that she is able to safely talk to about what she is feeling without either person feeling threatened, shutting down, or having a meltdown.  It should be a safe space.  That’s how you build real trust.

There should be an understanding, that while they are a committed couple . . . they are *still* individuals within a partnership, and EACH are entitled to have and experience their very own feelings without it meaning it’s the end of the world or throwing accusations, blame, or fault.

Let’s say George is that kind of partner, and Marie feels safe enough to discuss it with him.  She lets him know that she recently met a man in her book club, and that she was feeling an attraction to him and it’s concerning her that she’s feeling that.  George, in all his wisdom, understands that Marie is trusting and opening up to him . . . and that in itself is a good sign of how strong their relationship is, so he let’s her know that he’s there to listen and help her understand her feelings.

Now Marie is feeling safe and supported in her feelings, and feels okay to explore what’s actually going on in her feelings with him.  Maybe after having an open conversation with George, each expressing their own feelings about it, they both discover together that Marie has been feeling a little neglected by George because he’s had to work some extra hours at the office.  It doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault . . . it just is what it is.

But now, by openly communicating and trusting each other, they’ve both become aware of it and can work together to help meet the needs of both.

At her next book club, Marie finds that the pull isn’t so strong with the new man, because she feels very loved and supported by her current partner and has no wish or desire to disrupt that.  The guy still looks hot . . . but he’s not George.  ; )

We have feelings for a reason.  They tell us what’s what.  They tell us when something is wrong . . . they tell us when something is right.  It is because of them that we get to feel love.  It is because of them that we get to feel joy and happiness.  And yes, they are also what allows us to feel grief, sorrow, and pain.

But if you ignore, avoid, and repress the ones you don’t like or understand because you don’t want to deal with what they’re trying to tell you, then you will also start to lose the ability to feel the good ones.  Feelings come from our heart.  They need to be felt and they need to be honored.  Unless you’re a robot.  Then carry on.

Not many people are fortunate enough to have someone in their life that they can be this open and trusting with, and that’s truly a shame.  But you can start with yourself.  Let yourself feel whatever it is you’re feeling.  The more controversial, the better.  It’s kind of like hearing the juiciest gossip about someone you know really well, (“No.way.  No she didn’t.  O.O  Shut the front door!  That slut!”) except it’s about yourself.

But no matter how guilty or shameful you think any of your feelings are . . . you get to feel them.  That is your God-given right.  They are yours to feel, have, and acknowledge.

What I think is most important to understand about this, is that you have the right to have these feelings AND you should still be able to expect to be accepted, supported, and loved by trusted others in your life even if they differ from their own feelings.  And if they’re truly worthy of someone’s trust, they will.

Some may need patience and time to learn a new way of being.  And a role model to know what it looks like in practical use.  You can be that person.

Now, if you'll excuse me . . . I have some things to do

Now, if you’ll excuse me . . . I have some things to do