You Are Now That Which You Seek

Whatever it is you’ve been waiting for . . . whatever it is that you feel has been missing all along . . . it is now with you.

It’s time to become aware of its new presence within you.  It’s time to let it in.

Remembering the *Me* Needs

I learn something new about myself everyday.  Which I then promptly forget.  So that I can be all surprised when I remember again.

It’s like an endless game of peek-a-boo with myself.

“Oh!  There I am!”

“Wait!  Where’d I go?!”

Today’s peek-a-boo was regarding something I read on an Astrologer Peg’s blog post a little while ago regarding astrology rising signs, Your Rising Sign/Ascendant.  Our rising sign is the mask or outer layer we put on when we go into the world.  It’s one of a billion reasons why we don’t necessarily come across as our Sun sign . . . which is what most horoscopes focus on.

For example, I’m a Gemini Sun.  However, my rising sign is Aries.  My Venus, Mars, and (moon) South Node are also in Aries.  If you met me, you just might mistake me for an Aries vs. a Gemini.

Anyhoo, back to what was written about Aries rising.  One sentence in particular was written in a way that helped me understand myself in a new light.  (Hopefully more flattering than fluorescent.)  For Aries Rising she wrote,

Taking care of your own needs allows you to relate better to others.

There’s something in me that *knows* this, but I’ve managed to un-know it like a catrillion times.  (That’s a lot of cats.)

When my needs are taken care of, I can relate like no one’s business.  But is that what I do?  Noooooooo. (<—up and down intonation needed there.  If you read it monotone, go back and do it again, but this time right.)

The second . . . and I mean the very nanosecond that I get into a good place inside of myself, I start handing that *feeling good stuff* out to people left and right.  I become drained.  My needs quit being met.  I start to board the crazy train. (choo! choo!)

If taking care of my own needs first, helps me relate better to others as an Aries Rising . . . it goes triply so for my Aries Venus and Aries Mars.  It should be a no-brainer for me.

But here’s what I do.  AS I’m trying to meet my needs, I’m trying to take into account everyone else’s needs and adjust what I’m doing for myself to make sure everyone gets a piece of the pie.  That doesn’t work for me.  I don’t run well on half-assed met needs.

I run on premium.

I have GOT to get out of the sacrificing self business.  It’s malarkey.  Well, for me it is.  I don’t know about the rest of you nuts.  Figure yourselves out.  (<— look at me not owning other people’s stuff!  Jenn is on  f  i  r  e !  ! )

Being that way, can sometimes give other people the wrong impression.  Like, “Oh, you’re so self centered.”  or   “You don’t think or care about other’s feelings.”  But guess what?  That’s NOT my problem.  If you haven’t given me the benefit of the doubt, and don’t actually take any time to get to know me before you judge me . . . then that’s your bad.  Not mine.  And most likely *your* projection onto me.  Not me.

I *do* have to make sure my needs are met before I start getting all cozy, friendly.  That’s how I operate.  When my needs are being met . . . well . . . I’m just a bowl full of cherries.  I’ll do just about anything for a friend, and even strangers.  I love, love, love people.  I love making you guys smile and making you guys laugh.  I love seeing you excited about something you love.  I love being a part of people’s lives.  But I can’t express this to others, or even be there for others . . . until my own needs have been met first.

And actually, thanks to my Pluto (Big Bowl of Scary) conjunct Descendant (House of Other), when my needs aren’t being met, I become very scared of people.  Or disempowered works here too.

You don’t have to have anything Aries in order for this to apply to you in some way (because everyone has a 1st house & Mars . . . both rules by Aries . . . somewhere in your charts), but mine is extra emphasized.  It’s not like, “Eh . . . maybe not today.”  It’s more like “Um, every second of every day you better be operating like this or life is going to suck ass for you.”

So . . . here’s to keeping in the remembering portion of personal peek-a-boo . . . and remembering the *Me* needs.

I Wanna Be Like Me by Sara Bareilles

Let the Sunshine In

I woke up yesterday morning feeling like my dreams had spent the night trying to cheer me up.  Trying to show me  . . . Me.

It was a series of various scenarios trying to show me new perspectives of myself.

One, I was with a woman who I seemed to be good friends with in the dream, and we were out running errands or something.  She got a call from a friend who needed something.  When she hung up, she was venting and frustrated.  “God! It’s always something with her!  It’s not like with you, where everything feels like an adventure!”

Then she went off to help the other woman.  After she had gone, I went and sat in my car for a little bit, confused.  I was the fun one?  I was the one that she’d rather hang out with?  And because it was a dream, and dreams being magical in their own right, I opened up to the idea.

And just like I wrote about in my post To Love and Be Loved, I got to feel how the other person experienced and felt me.  It’s like my brain pretended my friend was me and vice versa.  And when the feeling overcame me, I thought . . . O.O  “Oh my god, *She* is so fun.  Everything *does* feel like an adventure.  And magical!  It took what was previously a cold, too real, sobering day . . . and made it feel fun and warm and sparkly.

Transitioning back to me being me, and her being her . . . was a little hard.  It was hard for me to own my own goodness . . . but it also felt really, really good to allow that possibility into me.  And I can’t say this word enough . . . but humbling.  Humbling in every sense of the word.  This is not false modesty, trying to say it was hard to own my goodness.  Me not believing deep in my heart that I’m a good person, has been my reality for a really long time.

{Pay extra attention here . . .  : ) —>}  It’s been my reality for a really long time, because I’ve been surrounded by others who really do not believe deep in their heart that they are good people either.

How many of you reading this, are *hoping* that you’re a good person . . . but deep inside . . . you’re not really sure?

And maybe there is a part of you that is kind of afraid of finding out the truth?

Well . . . just in case nobody has ever told you . . .

You *are* a good person.

Eh, so you’ve made some mistakes.  You’ve got some shadows wrapped around parts of you, making you believe temporarily that you’re less than perfect.

But underneath it all . . . you are a good person.

It’s never too late for a fresh start.  To shake it all off and try again.

Be tender, gentle, and loving with yourself.

And allow the idea to sink into you.

Let go of your judgments, guilt, shame, hurt . . .

And even if it’s just for 30 seconds . . . pretend that it IS true.

That you *are* loved.  That you *are* loving.  That all has been forgiven.

That you get another chance.  That you get to make new choices this time.

That nothing is set in stone.  *Anything* could happen.

You don’t know from moment to moment what might change . . . and that’s kind of exciting, because it means that something awesome you’ve never thought of could come out of the blue expanding your perception and experience of life.

I mean, what if you walked around the corner and ran into your favorite actor!  That would be surprising, right?  And would change your outlook on life for a little bit.

If you’re looking at life as this endless routine . . . then that can be kind of depressing.

But if you look at life as a “oh!  What might happen today?!” kind of way . . . then life will rise to your challenge.

It will go out of its way to find ways to surprise you and make you giggle.

Life likes to make us smile and giggle.

Life likes to play and have fun with us.  And so understandably it gets depressed when we stop doing that.

We keep playing the game of “pretend I’m not something amazing and shiny”.

And I don’t want to brag, but I’m kind of tight with Life, and it wanted me to tell you that that game is soooo lame and it doesn’t want to play it anymore.

So . . . there you go.  You’re being lame.

; )

A lamp post watching over two hot air balloons.

A lamp post watching over two hot air balloons.

Lost and Found

When I’m feeling lost and unsure . . .

And I stop long enough to pull within and get real with myself . . .

I am always taken back to the same place.

Back to a specific day when I was a little girl.

Sitting alone in The Big Park, under large towering trees . . . trying to find a four leaf clover and contemplating whether the ants I am watching . . . are aware that I’m there.  And am I an ant to someone much larger than me that I can’t see . . . simply because I’m unaware of them . . . .  followed by a few moments of staring up into the sky and *trying* to see if there is something I’ve missed the last hundred times I’ve stared into the sky.

And then I wanted to see leprechauns.  I believed in them.

Or I had.

But something was starting to nag at me.  I had started to doubt that they existed, because I never *actually* saw them.  And from how the big people here explain it . . . if you can’t see it, it doesn’t exist.  And that scared me.

The doubt had started to bug me so much, that it reached a boiling point that day.  For the first time in my short 7 year old life, I needed proof to help me continue to believe.  To keep my faith.  So I started talking out loud to the leprechauns I could sense and feel nearby.  I asked if they could please show themselves to me . . . that I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone of their existence . . . that they could trust me.

But they never appeared, even though I *knew* they were there.  They must not trust me.  I must not be a good enough person.

That was the day . . . the moment that something in me began to break, and I have never been the same since.  From that day forward, I began to feel more and more lost and alone.

Why?  Why is that the ONE scene from my whole.entire.life. that comes up every time I feel lost and I’m seeking answers within myself?

Because that is the day . . . I began to lose mySelf.

Doubting and losing my belief and faith in what I KNEW to be true in my heart, is when I began to become lost in this world.

That’s where it starts for us.  That’s where we lose our innocence and our sense of True Self.  That’s where we begin to lose our way home.  That’s when we begin to believe more and more in things that are NOT TRUE for us.

We try to protect the innocence in children, by sheltering them.  By trying to pretend that there are no bad monsters out there in the world.  And then stupidly, shove them out into the world full of monsters when they’re an adult . . . and tell them “welcome to the real world – suck it up, bub”.

That is some fucked up shit, people.

You protect innocence with wisdom, confidence, and belief in it.

Young kids are still in touch with what they know to be true in their Heart.  They have faith in the unseen.  They still believe in magic and fairies and unicorns.  And the world to them looks like a wonderland full of magical possibilities.  They still believe in themselves.

As we grow older, we are conditioned to believe and think that *none* of that is real.  None of it. And if none of that is true . . . then that means the magic part of them . . . the innocent part of them . . . isn’t real either.  So . . . they lose a very important part of themselves.  And then also told that there is NO mystery . . . there is NO unknown.  It can all be easily explained with math and science.

: (

Sorry.  That’s the “real world”.  You have to come to terms with it or suffer.

Well, you know what Mr. Fictitious *They* who doesn’t really exist, but still trys to tell all of us what to think and believe?

FUCK YOU and your hornless unicorn that you rode in on.

What is WRONG with me believing, really believing in magic?  Not just thinking it might be possible, but feeling again with my heart and soul all the way to my bones, in magic?

And not just magic like illusions or magic shows, No.  I’m talking about grabbing ahold of Tinkerbell and shaking the shit out of that fairy and green ass MAGIC fairy dust raining down on us.

Because here’s what I KNOW to be true with all my Heart – BELIEVING in the actual existence of those things . . . is what brought me JOY in this life.  It made me happy!  It didn’t make me just live with my head in the clouds, it made me feel wide open happy in love.  And it made me want to share it with everyone I met.

It made me – ME!  Without my feeling of belief and faith in those unseen things that I feel and know are there, I lose a big part of who I am.  And that PISSES ME OFF!

Because HOW can I be a happy, joyful, whole human being when I’m trouncing around the earth trying to PRETEND that those parts of me AREN’T REAL or DON’T EXIST?!?!?!  How?!

I can’t.

When I lost my belief in that world of magic and “make believe”, I lost myself . . . and I lost my way back home.  Back to the place that is my real home.

THIS place . . . is the place that isn’t real.  This is the bullshit place.  But we’ve all forgotten that it’s not furreals.

It’s been said that the devil fooled all of the world except the faithful.  And who has MORE faith and is the MOST in touch with their Heart?  Children.  And what’s the difference between adults and children?  Children still believe in our Real Home even if they can’t always see it, which is filled with warmth, love, and magic.

And do you wanna know what happens when you find your way back to that whole hearted belief in the things that you believed in when you were a kid?

The Real World . . . the Golden One . . . the one we all still miss and cry for in our sleep . . . . the one we had wrongfully stolen from us when we were younger. . . starts to reappear before our very eyes.

It’s all around you and with you no matter what you do.  Whether you’re at the grocery store, the office, at home cleaning a poopy diaper . . . it can be there.

And I DON’T mean, oh in your imagination or your mind’s eye.  I mean, LITERALLY.

However, you won’t have a CLUE what I’m talking about if you’re sitting there being smug or feeling like you know better than me.  Don’t be a douchebag.  Don’t cheat yourself or the happiness that could again be yours, because you’re too scaredypants to make a fool of yourself and even secretly inside of yourself let yourself pretend for a moment that maybe . . . . maybe there really are unicorns . . . maybe . . .

O.O

Or dragons.  Omg.  I just know there are dragons.  They hide within the clouds and they watch over us.

Or leprechauns . . . who can’t show themselves here in the fake world posing as a real world.  The closest they can come while you’re pretending to not be magical . . . is in your dreams . . . where you’re actually closer to their home.

But seriously.  Both worlds are very similar in appearance, so here’s how you know which one you’re currently in:

If you feel cold, lost, alone, scared . . . and the world seems dim . . . and like someone has put a gray or steel filter over your eyes . . . you are not believing.  You are bittering.  That’s where old people smell comes from.  The lack of belief in a world of magic and miracles . . . is what ages us and makes us bitter.  It’s what makes things in our body feel painful and it’s what makes us feel old.  L.i.t.e.r.a.l.l.y.  It’s something that is ACTUALLY released in our bodies when we are shut down and no longer believe or have faith in our Real World (that, at risk of repeating myself, isn’t this one that we’ve been led to believe is real)

But you can instantly feel a difference and relief in yourself when you let go of thinking it’s foolishness or just for children . . . when you start to feel safer, warmer, loved/loving, compassionate, caring, stronger . . . and like someone just put a filter of gold over your eyes.  Plus, you become sweeter . . . more youthful . . . more full of life and wonder.  Like the bitterness, it’s actually something that gets released into your body.  More joy seeps into you effortlessly.  Life starts to feel good again, DESPITE the crazy ass bullshit going on around you and in the world.  It’s like armor for the heart and soul.

This is something YOU have control over.  You GET to feel and believe in whatever the fuck you want!  You don’t have to quit being a responsible adult and taking care of your family just because you want to believe in pots of gold at the end of the rainbow.  Just stop giving a fuck what other people think about what you believe, because ultimately it’s YOU that has to pay the price for what you believe or don’t.  Here, I’ll start if off.  (Because for the first time in my entire adult life, I have FOUND something I feel is truly, truly worth fighting for, and that’s the right to believe in Real Golden Love and Magic again.)

I am a very responsible working professional.  I am also a mom to a teenage boy.  Taking care of my family, home, and self are very important to me and I take it very seriously.  I am 36 years old.  And I still believe in Fairytales and goddamn Unicorns (Especially ones that get on video conference calls with horses at the office.  It was just a coincidence that it was Halloween).

Watcha gonna do about it, punk?

Now, time for some sweet dance moves : )