Living in Grace – Doing Virgo Right

Well, it’s that time of year again when the Sun is making it’s way through Virgo.  Or what I like to call the “you are currently incarnated in a human body and you need to come to peace with it” sign.

When I was first studying Astrology, I was given a very dismal impression of Virgo.  Most texts tend to paint the sign into an analytical, critical, uptight perfectionist, hypochondriac corner.  Yeah, you sound like a hoot, Virgo.

I don’t have any natal planets in Virgo, and yet, this sign has a huge part to play in my life.  All of us have it somewhere in our chart/life.  So listen up, because it applies to all of us.

Virgo is ruled by the planet Mercury (as is Gemini), and rules the 6th house of the natural zodiac.  The traditional premise behind 6th house is regarding our “job” in life.  What we do for a living day to day.  How do we serve life while in life?  For some people it’s their actual job, for some it’s what they do on the side (i.e. hobby), and for some it’s just their existence.  It’s also known as the house of health and healer.  It used to be known as the house of servants.  But now it’s understood as the house of service (how do we serve in life).  Being of service is a completely different concept than being a servant.  It’s also the house that rules pets.  Awwww.  Where would we be without our furry friends?

There’s what I understood of Virgo when learning Astrology, and then there is how I’ve come to understand it in real life experiences.  It’s those understandings that I’d like to share with you today.

Have you ever had a moment in life, when everything seems to have come together . . . the planets have aligned . . . everything comes into focus . . . and something wonderful, warm, and beautiful spreads through you.  Life is glowing, bright, and it feels like nothing could possibly go wrong.  Your eyes are sparkling, you feel wide open to whatever the day holds.  You feel whole, love, nurtured, happy.  You just want to shout, “It feels GOOD to be alive!!!!”

Or have you ever felt so at peace and content with the moment.  You’re just moving with the flow and doing whatever is needed at the moment without resistance or fight.  And it feels good.  Singing while folding the laundry.  Dancing while vacuuming.  Feeling such a deep, content, warmth for life in general and all that involves.  You attend to whatever needs to be happening at the moment (even if it’s nothing) with such openness, love, caring, and tenderness.  With joy and happiness in your heart and soul.  Even if you’re scrubbing the toilet.  You are doing these things from the heart and not for anything in return.  Not for appreciation, thanks, attention or anything from others.  You do it *only* because you feel moved to.  True service.

Those are a couple examples of Virgo at its finest.

Have you ever felt times when every little, single, solitary thing was driving you insane.  The kitchen floor is sticky.  Spots on the glasses.  The squeak you hear in the car every time you drive over a bump.  That one section of hair that won’t stay down.  The smell in the bathroom.  The trash that didn’t quite make it into the garbage can.  The neighbor’s TV volume is too loud.  Something sticky all over the shelves in the refrigerator.  AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!! It’s always something!  Nothing is ever okay, and if something is wrong . . . EVERYTHING IS WRONG!

Or how about the feeling like every single day is the same drudgery.  Day in, day out, same old thing.  You get up and eat breakfast.  You go to school or work (both suck equally).  You go through your routine.  You’re unhappy, but whatcha gonna do?  You run errands.  You drop off the kids, you pick up the kids.  You get groceries, cook dinner, feed the animals (and the pets).  The whole time, you’re dreaming of the day that you get to do what you *really* want to do.  But, this stupid “life” thing keeps getting in the way.  You go to bed.  You can’t sleep because you have all this jibber jabber going on in your head.  You contemplate running away and joining a circus.  You wonder if this is all there is to life, and what happened to your dreams?  But let’s get real, that’s never going to happen.  You suddenly wake up to your alarm going off and repeat it all over again.  Nothing ever changes.  Little by little, your life drains away until you become old and bitter.

{Big Sigh}

Those are a couple examples of Virgo being a freaking stick in the mud.

Just to help set the scene to better understand the remainder of what I want to share, here is a minor detour.

There are 12 zodiac signs.  Every sign has another sign across from it.  Those two signs across from each other are known as an axis.  This is very important information.  The sign across from Virgo is Pisces.  Pisces is the “other side”, the divine, “home”/heaven, imagination, dreams, escapism, martyr/victim, sinner/saints, spirituality, hippies, alcoholism, fog, confusion, etc.  It seems like the opposite of focused, clear, anal-retentive Virgo.

But here’s how they’re two sides of the same coin.

Pisces is the eternal part of us.  It’s our connection to the place where our eternal selves are from.  Virgo, is the eternal part of ourselves living a life within a physical body and all of the awesome things that go along with that.

We need food, love, and shelter.  These are not concerns when in Pisces where you can survive off of ether.  They are very much a concern when in Virgo.  When we are unable to get necessities for living in body, our health fails.  When we have trouble dealing with life, we try to escape it.  That’s going from Virgo –> Pisces.  Escapism.  It could be through alcohol, drugs, tv, shopping, meditating, spiritualism, denial, being a victim, etc.  Pretty much anything can be used to avoid being a participant in life.  We are super clever beings.

Virgo rules the lower intestines.  When you’re stressed out over the details and non-important things in life or worrying, and you get stomach cramps . . . you’re manifesting Virgo issues.  When you become closed to participating in life (in any number of forms and in any number of ways), it actually tightens this area inside your body.  The more you try to escape from your body, the more this closes and the more ill you become.  When you’ve shut life out completely . . . you have effectively become the Living Dead.  You are a ghost.  Your body is operating and you’re going through the motions . . . but you are as good as dead.

The paradox with the Virgo/Pisces axis (each axis of the zodiac has a paradox that is actually the resolution of duality between the two . . . Gemini’s domain) is that the more you try to escape to Pisces (bliss, heaven, spirituality, compassion/unconditional love, god, illusion, non-existence, avoidance) the further away it becomes and the more you suffer physically.  Same for Virgo.  The more you try to lose yourself in your physical life (I’m looking at you, work-a-holics) and avoid your spiritual side, the further from life you become and get lost in the Pisces fog or become a perpetual victim of circumstances.

When this axis is out of whack in your life, you become cut off from one or the other.  You either become lost in spiritual idealism and can’t seem to connect or understand how to “do” life (i.e. . . . “I can’t because I’m too sensitive” . . . everything overwhelms you), or you get so stuck in physical life that you actually believe that that is all you are and all there is and forget the eternal part of yourself.  You can’t see the forest for the trees.  You’re lost in pointless details and think there is NO other way than the suckiness that is.  Life loses meaning or purpose.

When an open flow is happening between the two, and reconciliation of duality has occurred . . .


It is how “living in the moment” happens.  It is living in a constant state of grace.  You are open to life.  Life itself becomes so beautiful that it brings you to tears.  You have such love, warmth, and patience for everything and everyone.  You become capable of giving unconditional love.  But you are able to define and enforce boundaries.  You understand yourself as an individual separate from others, but you are simultaneously aware of the connection and sacredness of all of existence.  Life becomes a living, moving, breathing meditation.

You are open to life and all it has to offer.  The good, bad, and the ugly.  You don’t shy from responsibilities . . . you openly face whatever comes your way and needs to be dealt with.  You are in love with life.  You are connected to your own inner moral compass and no longer need validation or approval from outside of yourself.  You are able to truly serve in life.  You are able to truly live.  There is no need to rush or force anything.  You know when to be still and when to move.  You are able to see how all of the details fit into the bigger picture, and so understand what is truly important and what can be released.  You don’t sweat the small stuff.

You start to live life as it was meant to be lived.  You understand that there are all kinds of things we get to experience while in human form that we aren’t able to experience while in higher vibrations.  And as a Soul, we WANT to experience these things in physical life.  We want to know what sadness feels like.  We want to know what loss feels like.  Because outside of physical life, we KNOW that we can’t lose anyone.  Only here, while in physical body and with temporary forgetfulness, are we capable of feeling loss.

We didn’t come here to AVOID Life!!!!  This is a gift.  This is an opportunity.  FEEL it all. Be in the experience.  Not just the good, but also the “bad”.  Let yourself MOURN.  Do it with gusto.  Open up wide and let it out . . . let it go.  Don’t hold it tight in your body.  That’s how we get sick.  We hold tightly onto these things we feel or tighten ourselves against feeling those things . . . and by doing so we close ourselves off from life and living.

We may spend all of our time analyzing things in order to keep from anything bad from happening.  That is a form of avoidance of life.  You cannot control life.  You cannot stop the bad from happening, because it is a part of life.  If you live your life as it was meant to be lived, then you will have plenty of reserves to be capable of handling the harder times.  But if you spend all of your life energy being afraid of it or trying to avoid it, then you’ll be all tapped out during the harder times.

We may put all of our attention into obsessing over health and fitness, and being so anal about the calories or types of food we put into our bodies . . . that we totally miss that the restrictions we are putting on ourselves are keeping us from opening up and enjoying life as it is.  A ninja form of avoidance.  Becoming so focused on the details of body upkeep, that we STILL end up missing the real point of life.  (Hint: It’s not about being a health nut.)

While the sun moves through Virgo (end of Aug, most of Sept.), it sheds light on all areas of our life affected by this sign.  Have we become so strict with ourselves about how we live . . . that we have effectively squeezed the life out of ourselves?  Do we live open and excited about the opportunities we have been given with this life . . . or are we tolerating life and limping/crawling to the finish line?  Is our perspective too small, or do we think outside of the box for new solutions.

If you are someone who *must* analyze things (I’m totally included in this), then ask yourself what is stopping you from openly, full-heartedly shouting “I LOVE LIFE!!” . . . and whatever it is . . . get over it.

Pretty Details

The pretty details of Life

The Story of Life

I had it deeply ingrained in me from a young age to always be honest.  I took this very, very seriously.  Too seriously.  Like to my detriment.

There was a movie I watched a few years ago called, “The Invention of Lying”.  It was about a world that looked very much like ours, except that people were incapable of lying.  It was some inconceivable, abstract thought that had never been thought up.

I was excited about seeing the movie because I had always wished for a world with absolute honesty.  I was even feeling pretty smug about getting to see how right I was about how much better the world was before lying was invented.

But it was horrible.  I was so focused on thinking that lying was the reason everything was such a mess, that I completely missed what “lying” adds to our lives.

In that world, there were only documentaries on factual things.  There was no imagination . . . no creativity.  There was no such thing as storytelling.

And intrinsically, within me, lives a storyteller.  I love embellishing and feeling into things.  I like to imagine how things might be or feel in different situations.  I like to try things out and see how they feel, and then take them off and try on something else.

This is how children learn.  They mimic.  They may pretend they are a serious woman standing in line, and do all of the body movements and facial expressions exactly like her, just to feel what it’s like to be that woman for a moment in time.  They may find that they like it, they may find that they did not like it.  But that’s how we learn about ourselves and our environment.

I have continually had an inner struggle between being me . . . and being “honest”.  But honesty is such a slippery, abstract concept.  It leads into philosophical debates that could go on forever, that involve reality, wormholes, and bunny slippers.

But today, when walking downtown, I looked around at all of the people walking by.  I watched the cars and buses stopping and going.  I kept thinking, “The Story of Life.”  All of those people have a story they tell about themselves.  That they tell about others.  We all play pretend about who we are.  We even say, “That will be a great story to tell your grandchildren when you’re older!”

Everything *here* is a story we are all telling.  We NEED stories.  We love a good story.  Stories hold value whether they are true or not.  They let us try on different feelings and ways of being to see how it suits us.  It’s a way of learning.  It’s a way of being.

If I had to name a single sign in the zodiac that represented the “storyteller”, it would be Gemini.  Well, actually the whole Gemini/Sagittarius axis.  The individual stories of pretend, and the world’s (or universe’s) stories of pretend . . . sorry I mean truth.  : )

In my natal chart, I have a sun sign of Gemini.  Conjunct (same place, or together with) my sun is Jupiter.  Jupiter expands whatever it touches.  So, I’m not just a simple, small Gemini storyteller. . . I’m a HUGE liar storyteller.  Directly in opposition (180 degrees away – the opposite side of my chart) is my moon conjunct Neptune in Sagittarius.  The moon is our emotions, our past, how we are comforted and nurtured.  Neptune is our connection to Spirit/Divinity, other worlds, imagination, the dreamtime.  Those are 4 heavy hitters all in strong/tight contact with each other in my chart . . . and not a one of them is about being realistic or grounded in the “real world” as we’ve known it.

So this unhealthy obsession I have with honesty goes against my very nature, and while I insist on it to this level, I am unable to accept who I am inside.  I NEED to be able to tell things in wild story form.  There is truth within those stories.  I NEED to be emotionally dramatic.  I need to be able to change my story from day to day, because things are always changing.  Thinking that things are stable and consistent forever and ever IS the illusion.  That’s the story we tell ourselves everyday that we currently believe, even though it’s not (and never has been) true.

I’m able to switch and change between stories so easily, because I’m not attached to them.  I don’t need for them to be true.  I know that they are stories and that really, none of this is true.  It’s all pretend.  We’ve all agreed that it’s real, but that doesn’t mean it’s true.  (See. Trying to define honesty becomes a slippery slope, my friends.)  We’re all just really good at pretending things that aren’t true.

However, just because I’m not attached to my stories, I think it’s important to point out that it doesn’t mean I don’t care deeply.  Because I do.  I care deeply about the soul and person inside.  Because I’m not attached to the stories, I can see past them and to the person at the core.  That is where my focus is when I see and feel people.

It’s not just that though.  I hide the “Me” that I am inside, too.  I have almost never, ever let her be seen by another person.  I felt that part of me trying to surface yesterday morning, but I felt my muscles around my mid-section constrict to prevent it from happening.  Keeping me from fully relaxing and being at peace within myself.

When I felt into that tightness within me, I realized that it’s me trying to prevent the real Me from surfacing and being seen by anyone else.  I can’t even let myself out when I’m alone.  So I tried to gently feel into it, trying not to scare it away.  I asked why it was so scared to come out, and I asked what it meant to be Me.  And this is what I found out . . .

“I am afraid to be Me.  I feel really big inside.  I care.  I try to pretend like I don’t care, but I do.  I care about other people so much, that it makes me angry.  And ashamed.  I am completely ashamed of how sensitive I am, and how much I care about people and the world around me.  I feel thoroughly embarrassed about it.  I don’t want anyone to ever, EVER see how much I care.  It makes me feel weak.”

People affect me profoundly and deeply.  When I’m not at my keyboard . . . when I’m alone with myself . . . is when I try to process and move through all of the things that affected me so greatly during the day.  When there is a misunderstanding or a fight with someone or  a friend (yes, even with you, Janaki) . . . I cry for days trying to get through it.  It is utterly humiliating to me how much each person affects me.  I hate it.

I put up a strong defense, because I don’t know how else to protect myself.  Because I don’t know how to handle being like that in front of another person.  I see how people react and respond to people who are emotional and sensitive, and there’s no way I want to expose myself to that.  I have not found a model yet, of someone who has found a way to stand strong in their sensitivity and own it.  All I see, are sensitive, caring people closing themselves off from their feelings . . . and telling themselves they have a “thicker skin”.

I don’t know how, but I’m going to figure out a way.  I’m going to figure out how to fully be that sensitive, caring person . . . but to let it empower me . . . strengthen me . . . instead of feeling weak and diminished by it.  And just thinking about how much strength that is going to take, I can better see how being that way in a world gone mad . . . is a far cry from being a weakness.  To have the courage and strength to still feel strongly, to still care deeply about others, and to be able to show that you still care . . . is very brave.

I am very afraid to do this.  Terrified, even.  But it’s reached a point where it takes more effort to try and squelch or hide it, than it takes to just be it.

And that’s my story.  That I take way too seriously.  : D

Super Serious Stuff

Gir contemplating his life story

It’s Happening

There are large cycles.  There are smaller cycles running within the larger cycles like a giant wristwatch full of gears.  Things repeat.  Stories people told about things that happened long ago, later become the prophecy of a future yet to come.  An ebb and flow of forgetting and remembering.

The story is repeated and echoed in all things great and small, waiting patiently to be seen and discovered once again.

This has all happened before, and it will all happen again.

A fine red dust starts to enter Earth’s atmosphere, initially undetectable.  Over the years, as it slowly increases, it begins to accumulate on the surface below.  Nothing really noticeable.  Maybe some start to notice a light pink color builds up around their faucets and where ever else water is used.  The few who bother to inquire about what it is, hear that it’s some sort of bacteria, so they think nothing of it and move on.

For years, this continues.

Sky 1

In the meantime, technology continues to advance rapidly.  Things continue to happen faster and faster at an exponential rate.  What used to take decades now happens in months.  What used to take months now happens in days.  What used to happen in days now happens in hours.  Instead of using that freed up time to do the things we love, value, and enjoy . . . we push ourselves to work harder on things we have convinced ourselves are important, in order to get more things that we think will make us happier.  It never does.  Instead, we just become disconnected from ourselves and each other, and we become lost.

Because we’ve become so busy in our pursuit of happiness, we’ve become less aware of ourselves and our surroundings.  The more unaware we become, the less we understand . . . or even remember what used to be really important to us.  Since we can’t think of what is important to us anymore, we become less motivated and inspired about life.  We start looking for something of importance, but there isn’t time to dig deep, the pace is too quick . . . so we latch on to whatever *seems* to be important on the surface.  Maybe based on what our employer tells us is important.  Or what we hear or read from others.  Who knows?  Who has the time to really figure it out?

Life begins to lose meaning.  It loses excitement, fun, and joy.  It becomes harder and harder to relax.  Things become more and more serious.  Darker.  We move into avoidance to try and save ourselves from this place.  Alcohol, shopping, reality tv, politics, finances, war. . . anything to make this awfulness go away.  We start to close off from ourselves, because the accumulation of all of the things that were truly important to us that we avoided dealing with over the years is starting to catch up with us.  We don’t know where we are, or how we got there, or what to do about it.  When we start to close off from ourselves, we are also closing off from others.  Becoming more guarded . . . defensive.

Trust and intimacy start to break down.  Isolation.  We start to feel alone in our pain and misunderstood.  Power struggles become more pronounced.  Confusion.  Survival.  Which leads to control and manipulation of ourselves and others because we’re scared, lost, and no longer know what the fuck is going on.

At some point, there is an acknowledgement that something is *off* in the world.  Something is going on.  But because no one has been paying attention, or have been actively trying to avoid it because it’s too much to handle on top of all of the other things exploding in our individual lives . . . nobody knows what is happening.  All effort goes into continuing to not face all of the things we avoided the last decades in our personal lives, as well as avoiding what is happening right outside our windows.

Meanwhile . . . this fine red dust has been gently drifting and collecting all over the globe.  It’s more noticeable now for anyone paying attention.  The leaves on some of the trees begin to turn a curious red shortly after they unfurl on the branches.  One tree has some of the leaves turning a deep red . . . almost purple.  Another tree has a light dusting of red on the surface of the leaves.  A cedar tree here and there has a branch that looks rusted, as well as the pine trees.  Some of the bushes have something curious happening with them too.  Plants with red spots spreading across the leaves.

Tree 2

Tree 3

Tree 4


Year after year, this continues.  The leaves begin to dry up immediately after they’ve come out in spring.  Some trees never dropped their dried up leaves from the year before.  Once it is noticed, it becomes hard to ignore because it’s affecting so many trees and plants.

Tree 1

But, who has time to worry about what is going on with the trees, when we’re not feeling well ourselves?  It sometimes seems so hard to breathe.  Headaches, nausea, vertigo, disorientation.  Stomach cramping, weakness, fatigue.  Fevers, hot flashes.  Hair loss.  Many who have never had a problem before, struggling with anxiety.  Adrenal exhaustion.  Kidney infections.  Liver trouble.  Heart problems.  Mental & emotional problems.  Depression.  Suicide.

The populace seems to be struggling increasingly with anger, violence, and rage.  Stress levels continue to rise, and accusations and blame start to get pointed at each other.  Everything under the sun is getting blamed for why things are like they are.  It’s because of you, it’s because of me, it’s because of the government, it’s because of the financial markets, it’s because of the wars, it’s because of people’s negativity, it’s because of past lives, it’s because of the sinners and it’s god’s wrath and punishment.

Or perhaps, those things are all stemming from a physiological response to something that has been silently coming into our atmosphere for many, many years?  However, we’ve become so focused on immediate surface responses . . . that we think the things we are feeling and experiencing are due to what is immediately in front of us or the people around us.  We don’t stop to think that maybe it’s something bigger than all of us . . . and that we’ll all be facing it together.

It makes beautiful red, pink, and orange skies.  Beautiful surreal looking pinkish clouds.

Sky 3

Sky 4

Sky 2

It affects the oxygen levels in the water. . . and related to the massive fish deaths.

Where it’s coming from, affects our electromagnetic field . . . and the bird deaths.  Birds have metal material in their brains, that is affected by the electromagnetic field . . . as do mammals . . . including humans.

It is affecting our sun.  Our weather, our seasons.  The weather on OTHER PLANETS in our solar system.  Earthquakes, sinkholes, volcanoes, meteors.  Electronics and electricity.  Our ability to think clearly.  Our health suffering in general.

You can see the affects of it by scanning the headlines.  Train derailments.  Airplane crashes.  Increased violence and senseless crimes. Fires.

And no.  There’s nothing we can do to stop this thing from coming.  It’s happening.

It’s a part of a larger cycle.  It’s what was being talked about in all of the old myths and legends.  It is remembered and then forgotten again.  The stories handed down over generations by Native Americans, was one of many ways that our ancestors attempted to get the information to survive long enough to let people know . . . thousands of years down the road . . . of what would be coming.

We are not the first to go through this.

Ancient texts from around the world, talk of the deluge.  They all have their different versions of why . . . but they are all speaking of the same event(s).

People, just like us . . . who are just trying to get through each day . . . and maybe find a little bit of happiness . . . went through this thousands of years ago.  It wasn’t just people in robes who were less intelligent than us, it was people just like us.  And they weren’t being sinful and evil in the way that they’ve been portrayed in some versions of the story . . . they were suffering from the effects of the precursor red dust that comes in long before the devastation actually happens.

Prophecies are describing what others have witnessed and survived from prior cycles.  The easisest way to pass on information is through storytelling, dance, & song.  For thousands of years from one incident to the next, people stop believing the stories are real because it doesn’t apply to them.  We have them quarantined in our heads as stories, and so it’s hard to make the leap or connection to real live events happening around us.  There are real, physical, and scientific reasons the things described in prophecy were happening.  So don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.

There are those who only believe in what they see in physical form.  So, the signs are showing in physical form what is happening.  There are those who only believe in what they get intuitively or from the spiritual side of life . . . So, they know what signs they are looking for.  You can think of this as the rational/logical/scientific mind vs. the creative/spiritual/faith-etheric mind.

During this time, keeping these two parts within us separate . . . is a big mistake.  It causes a human being to be “closed”.

If you are all spiritual, but refuse to acknowledge that you are in a human body . . . then you will be at the mercy of its animalistic instinctive nature during times of crises, because your body WILL pick up cues in its environment and act accordingly.  This will manifest as anxiety, anti-social behavior, feeling like a victim, helpless, powerless, etc.  Quit trying to escape your body, and come down to earth and come to peace with the fact that something is happening on a physical level . . . and currently you ARE in a physical body.  Care, nurture, and love your body that is here and scared and NEEDS you.

If you are all physical, and refuse to acknowledge the unseen and the signs that were given in religious and spiritual texts, and believe those things to be unreal or flights of fancy . . . you will be at the mercy of the fear of the unknown.  You will also respond more from an animalistic instinctive nature, rather than from conscious, clear thinking.

If you are cut off from either one, you are closed.  Some of you are closed from the waist up (ones who only believe in scientific proof), and some of you are closed from the waist down (ones who are all spiritual and are trying to escape their bodies as things get worse on the planet).

Many are a mix and conflicted.

It is important to be opened all of the way through.  The warnings and practices given in religion, wasn’t so much about being all holy, as it was trying to convey and communicate what you have to do in order to stay clear and conscious during these times.  It’s NOT about some people being good and some people being evil . . . it is about some people being open and some people being closed.

We’ve associated evil with some made up fantasy that we couldn’t possibly be.  “Oh, I don’t sacrifice babies . . . so I’m not evil.”  Wrong.  All “evil” is, is being closed up.  Being heavy and burdened with energy.  Fear, worry, resentment, etc. are heavier energies.  If you won’t open up (forgive, let go, surrender) then you HOLD ON to those heavier, darker energies and are weighed down.  If you are taking life super serious, and trivial things feel like a life or death situation. . . you are closed at some level, heavy, darker, and therefore . . . “evil”.

So be as self righteous as you want, it’s totally your call.  But if you don’t get over yourself, start opening up, and letting go of shit that is really, really not important in the greater scheme of things . . . then you are going to *literally* be in the dark.  If you can get over yourself, open up to what is actually happening . . . both in the unseen and the physical world . . . you will lighten up.

The REASON for this, is because the stuff going on with the electromagnetic field, and the red dust (iron oxide, btw . . . we’re all suffering from increasing toxicity . . . aka “ascension symptoms”) is destabilizing everything.  Everything we thought was permanent or forever, is suddenly not.  You know carbon dating?  The thing they thought was so stable that they use its half life to determine how old things are?  Yeah, guess what?  It’s NOT stable at all.  So anything based on it to date things, is actually unreliable.  Think about how many things you believe in life that is based just on that one thing.  That is, and has been happening across the scientific community for the last few years.  (Scientists are baffled!)

Because everything is destabilizing, we have to find a new center.  We can’t rely solely on our intellect/brain for understanding reality, because that is breaking up.  However, if you solely rely on intuition, you are still blocking yourself from stability.  Imagine a cylinder (at least as wide as your head) that comes in from the top of your head and goes through the whole center of your body.  This is where the major chakras line up.  *That* cylinder . . . needs to be fully opened and unblocked during this time, in order to find your center and be balanced.  The calm within the storm.

If you are closed by being either TOO spiritual or TOO physical, a twist/knot/block happens in the center flow . . . and  You will be at the mercy of the iron that is collecting in our bodies (especially in the brain in the amygdala which is where the rage and violence comes in and starts erupting in the populace) and subject to rage, temper tantrums, fuzzy-headedness, escapism, victimhood, helplessness, hopelessness, anxiety, fear, memory loss, etc.  You’ll continue to get sicker and sicker, and think you’re getting the flu or some weird strain of illness that’s going around.  You should take that more as a sign that you’re still closed down in some way and blocking the flow (which is our new grounding point between “heaven and earth”).

This isn’t the time for pride, defensiveness, ignorance, or arrogance.  The things that open the blocks in that cylinder going vertically through the center of our body are things like forgiveness, humbleness, lightness, humor, letting go, surrender.  But those words have been used so often that we glaze over when we hear them now, especially as things continue to escalate and get harder.

So use whatever works for YOU to become lighter and more open through your whole core.  Let go of obligations, social protocols, and things that just piss you off.  It doesn’t matter if it’s how you were raised, if everyone else is still doing it, or if others get on to you about it.  We don’t have time to help everyone around us figure it out.  Just do it, and model it, it’s the fastest way to get others to catch on.

Quit trying to save others.  We’re all big girls and boys and can deal with what happens, if we’re given no other choice.  Focus on getting yourself open, and then you will be anchored and know exactly what to do, when, where, and how.  Don’t get lost in the semantics. “Oh, but what if it’s your sister, girlfriend, or mom . . . “


Get yourself centered and balanced, and then you will understand why the semantics don’t matter.  It takes discipline.  It means you have to let go and stop focusing on distractions that aren’t going to matter when shit starts going down.  Who gives a flying fuck about whether it’s the democrats or the republicans who are to blame for messing up the country/world.  The world *itself* is destabilizing.  Trying to find a person or group to blame anything on at this point is a complete.waste. of your time and energy.  And it’s only serving to weigh you down with the burden of heavier energies and blocking your center.  You are the one that will suffer for your refusal to let it go.

Despite what’s going on around you, every moment *can* be filled with Life.  You do not have any control over what is coming, but you have complete control over how you choose to greet it.


Let Me Drive!

I was out eating recently, when the most peculiar thing happened to me.  Initially, I had zero idea what had happened, only that immediately afterwards I heard myself saying to Jay,

I think I just fully came into my body.

Which was promptly followed by me giving myself a funny looking wtf? face.  {O.o}

And Jay was just looking at me nonchalantly with both eyebrows up ^ ^ saying,

Oh yeah?

And I was all,

I don’t know. {shoulder shrug}

And then went back to eating.

I went into deep contemplation about what exactly had just happened, because it was the 2nd time it had happened in a week. . . (both times involving food).

I had just been sitting there, looking at my food.  When suddenly the food seemed to . . . come into focus?  It seemed Super Real (vs. you know. . . semi-real)  The colors were so. . . vibrant and clear.  Like my eyeballs had just been upgraded to Real 3D.  I saw the butter on the Naan I had been holding in my hand, and I was so fascinated by it.  I looked down at my Butter Chicken, and it seemed like I was looking at food for the first time in my life.  It was a great big W  O  W-fest in my head and body.  I was thoroughly amazed by my food.

Not only that, but it felt like I had gone from the back seat of the car, to the front of the car and was driving.  Meaning, I felt a distinct shift from being an observer in the background of myself. . . to suddenly coming to the forefront.  I felt like I <— the Soul ME, was HERE and in body and getting to use the eyes of this body and the limbs of this body and the feelings of this body, for the first time. . . like ever!  Or at least since childhood.  Before the teenage me, booted Me out. (hehe)

It’s like I’m me. . . but the conscious part of me. . . what I think of as my Soul. . . has had to sit in the backseat of the body as an observer, until the me. . . uh. . . the physical? emotional body? me, moved out of the way to allow the Soul Me to come forward.  That’s probably as clear as mud, but oh my god is it an awesome experience.

At least the Soul Me was absolutely fascinated by it.   There was a whole bunch of “NO WAY!”, and “OMG!” going on.  Meanwhile, the smaller me was in the backseat going, “What?  What are you going on about?  What is so fascinating?”.

The food in my hand and on my plate was the most real I had ever experienced life.  I had also taken a moment to look outside, because the sun was reflecting off of the building across the street and was shining on the Naan in my hand and highlighting the butter. . . and that was just about blowing my mind.  I could NOT understand how I had gone all of my life not experiencing this awe and wonder every.single.second of my life.

How were people not jumping up and down about getting to experience all of this?!?!  How was everyone able to stay so calm?  I mean. . . oh my god!??! this is SO INCREDIBLE!!!  Being a Soul in a body is just about the coolest damned thing a soul can experience, and everyone is ACTING LIKE THEY’RE AT A FUNERAL!!!!

I have to admit, I’m pretty fond of Soul Me.  It was kind of contagious.  I had forgotten how excited I used to feel about getting to experience things in life.  And She was so damn genuinely excited and happy about just sitting there and looking at butter on Indian Bread.  I thought She was going to explode into dramatic song right there in the middle of the restaurant.  But I gave Her a “please god not right now” desperate big-eyed O.O stare.  She was merciful.  Plus, Her mouth was stuffed full with rice, bread, sauce and chicken.

But I know She’s not going to put up with being in the back seat for much longer.  Just this morning, as I waited for the Crosswalk to change on my daily Chai Tea Latte run, She popped into the driver’s seat and began moving to the music I was listening to.  I didn’t feel self conscious or foolish, I only felt great.  There was a feeling of, “I wanna move to this!” as my left leg started moving on its own.

It felt so good to allow that impulse, that on the return walk, I didn’t even try to hide it.

Enjoying the moment.

Sitting. The new walking.

Goal: To Be Hilariously Confident.

I am currently in the middle of an astonishing realization.

I was contemplating the pieces and clues I’ve been picking up the last couple of weeks or so.  Everything seems to keep circling around my self confidence (or lack of).  Once upon a time I remember having LOADS of confidence, and now I have very little.  What happened?

Well. . . a lot.

But, what I have been trying to get at, is the mechanism that keeps this in place for me.  My blind spot.

The trick to seeing your own blind spot, is that you have to move out of your usual cyclical thinking.  You can’t keep going through the same line of reasoning, and expect that the 413th time you repeat it, that you’ll miraculously have a Eureka moment.  You have to throw yourself some curveballs in order to see things in a different light.

Not to mention, you have to listen to what you are really feeling about things inside.  This is WAY trickier than it seems.  There are the ways we have felt about things for years. . . or *thought* we felt or knew about things. . . and then buried underneath that is what we *really* feel or know about things, but for any number of reasons we weren’t able to deal with it at some point in time and covered it with something easier or safer to deal with.  That’s where we hide our blind spots.

One way to find these elusive little fuckers, is openness and brutal honesty with ourselves.  And here’s an example of what that might look like.

My lack of self confidence.  I don’t feel confident that I know anything of real value.  It shows up and sabotages any number of things in my day to day life.  Many times in conversations and meetings, I will want to share something I’m thinking or feeling. . . but then I look at the others in the room and how they seem to have no problem saying what they think . . . then I also think of alllll the other times I have spoken up and was dismissed, given funny looks, or just met with awkward silence.  And then I think, “Nah. . . I don’t know better than anyone else.”

I was recently given some excellent feedback in a review at work.  It was valuable because it was true, and it was awesome because it took guts to say.  I.totally.respect.that.  Basically summed up, it said that nobody believes what I say because I lack confidence.  I *do* know what I’m talking about, but if I’m not even confident in what I’m saying. . . how can I expect anyone else to be?

Yes, of course!  {Big sigh of relief.}  That felt very true to me, and so it actually felt really good to hear.

So, with that valuable piece of information, I have been sleuthing for the underpinning that holds that whole setup in me together.  I’ve been doing the whole cyclical thinking, which looks like this –>

I don’t feel confident, because I don’t feel like I know anything.  I don’t feel like I know anything of any value to others.  Whenever I do speak up, it’s quickly attacked or dismissed.  “Oh, no it’s not that because. . . blah de blah.”  or “We already thought of that and it’s not that.”  or “No, that’s not it.”  Sometimes it’s, “Where’s your proof?” or “That doesn’t make any sense.”  When I was younger, the feeling was often that I’m too young to know better or it came across condescending like, “Oh. . . isn’t that adorable. . . she thinks she knows something.”

The things I felt strongly about and would say or share with the people around me, never seemed to be taken seriously or given any real thought.  Whether it was friends, family, teachers, coworkers, managers, etc. it didn’t matter.  Anything and everything out of my mouth was immediately wrong, and then I was given a list of reasons why it was wrong.  I wasn’t asked why I thought what I did.  In fact, I didn’t feel like I was being seen at all.  I was just being talked at.  “Here’s why you’re wrong blah de blah . . . here’s why I’m right. . . blah de blah. . . I’m so much better and smarter than you blah de blah. . . you’re so young and naive. . . blah de blah.”

Well hell’s bells.  Of course I don’t feel confident in what I say.  Because all of those people spoke with such confidence, I believed them over myself.  Over time I learned to squelch what I felt and wanted to say. . . because I knew it would automatically be wrong.  I felt unseen and unsupported.  I felt alone.  I felt I held no value.  I felt I had nothing to offer others, that they didn’t already know themselves.

So I kept quiet for years and years.  I let my curiosity run amok.  I wanted to learn and understand everything. . . so that maybe one day I would have something of value to add.  I dug deep inside of me and started ripping up the upholstery and examining every square inch of it.  I wanted to know the whys, whats, whens, wheres, and whos of everything.  Why does this happen?  Why do people respond this way?  Why do I respond this way?  Why does that keep happening?  I was more interested and motivated in finding the actual truth, than I was in being right (because let’s face it, THAT’s never going to happen).  I was brutally honest with myself over and over.  I also found that I can lie to myself better than anyone I know in order to avoid something that hurts really, really bad.

But also, I learned that nothing feels better than uncovering that untruth and setting it free.

When I cleared most of the mud, crap, junk, tangles, encrypted spaces. . . what I found, is that underneath all of that. . . what had hurt me the most. . . was when I stopped believing myself.  I feel and know things within myself.  I feel it in my body.  But as soon as I speak it, and it is refuted. . . I believe what they say over what I feel.  I say to them. . “Oh okay.”, and in that seemingly insignificant moment, I have agreed with them. . . I sent myself the message (as well as the other person) that I don’t believe in what I feel to be true and is less important or valuable than what the other person says or feels.

What it feels like on the surface, is that others don’t support me and that others don’t believe me.  But in actuality it’s me that’s not supporting myself and believing in me.

The reason I don’t believe in myself is because I was never able to immediately explain WHY I felt or thought what I did. . . I didn’t know how to explain how I knew what I knew. . . and since others usually had convention or tradition on their side (we do things like this because A, B, and C) they already had a well thought out argument in place to support their side.

I didn’t understand that I was trying to express a new thought or idea, because to me. . . it isn’t new, it feels like something everyone knows.  And the thing with new thoughts or ways of thinking, is that they don’t have scripted arguments to immediately counter the usual mode of thought.  It’s easy to shut a person down if they think differently than the norm, because we’ve collectively had years and years to refine the logic and arguments of the current way of thinking and we rarely give people the chance to collect their thoughts or the time to actually hear them out.  It’s like living in a perpetual debate club.  “If you can’t tell me in 3 seconds why your new thought or way isn’t superior to the standard bullshit way that we’ve been thinking for years, then you’re wrong.  And I win.  Ha.Ha.”

Anyways. . . that’s not even the realization I’m wanting to share – that was just a satisfying rant. : )

It was also to give a peek into my own cyclical thinking that keeps me going in circles instead of getting to that blind spot in me that would allow me to change perspective and move forward.

So now, here’s an example of what finding a blind spot in yourself may look like.

I’ve gone the majority of my life, with an unspoken/unacknowledged feeling that I have no value.  That I don’t know anything.  That I’m always wrong.  That I have nothing to offer or bring to the table.  Because of this, I wasn’t able to understand my purpose in life.  I don’t know why I’m here or what I’m supposed to do or what I even want.  Nothing makes sense.  Everything is confusing.  On the rare moments that I had my confidence back, the world was bright and golden to me.  I was ALIVE!  I loved and I was open and I was so god.damn.happy.  And everything, absolutely everything makes sense to me and is so crystal clear.

So, why do I ruin all of that with a lack of confidence?  Because all I see when I look at all of the times I did speak up, are the times and individuals who spoke up with a false confidence.  I made those individuals, representatives of the whole.  They were the ones squawking the loudest, and nobody else ever spoke against them. . . and by default (in my mind). . . that meant they agreed with that one.  I’ve let all of that… define who I am.  I have let that have power over me.  I agreed and accepted what they decided about me.  Even if it was projection, bad assumptions, ignorance, arrogance… or just them having a rotten day.  I’ve let those moments and those individuals, paint my whole perception of who I am to the world.

It was so loud to my senses, and so hurtful inside. . . that I couldn’t see, hear or be aware of anything outside of it.

And it never, ever, occurred to me. . . that not everyone felt that way about me.  It didn’t occur to me, that in those same moments that one person was tearing me down. . . two or three others were silently cheering me on.  Because in those moments that I was being torn down, I was in such an emotional state and I would become so defensive (closed) that I wasn’t even capable of being aware of others.

I have felt so alone in my fight in my life.  It’s regularly felt like it’s me vs. everyone else, because typically the only people with balls to speak up with confidence about things, are the very ones who should probably keep their mouths shut.  And the ones who actually have something of value to say, are the ones who typically keep quiet.

So, step one for me, with this realization in hand. . . is to see my own value.  Not with false modesty, not with an inflated sense of self importance. . . but by opening up to myself and being as honest about my value as I have been about my faults.  I have valuable information.  I am capable of adding value to this world we’re in.  But nothing I have to say is going to add any value, if I am unable to properly value it myself.

Self confidence comes from self.  Not others.  And a few others, do not speak for the whole.  The biggest realization I had this morning, is that there are. . . and has been my whole life. . . a whole sea of people silently supporting me.  I just couldn’t hear them over my own fear and loudness of a few individuals.  And it’s THOSE silent supporters that I need to be aware and grateful for in my life.  I need to make THAT a bigger priority in my life, rather than giving more importance and attention to the haters of the world.

And I am so sorry for not having seen the silent supporters sooner.  I know what it’s like to be silently doing all kinds of awesome and never getting acknowledged because everyone’s more focused on the loudmouths of the group. . . and yet I’ve been doing it myself all along.  (<— bonus blind spot found –> level up )

I’m sorry for it, but at the same time. . . I’m cool with it.  It feels so GOOD to finally see it at all, that it’s super hard to be all *boo hoo* about it.  It’s actually kind of funny.

“Ohhhhh woe is me. . . I am so misunderstoo…. oh wait, what?  Oh… it’s me?  Oh.  HA!  I’m so hilarious.”

What hilariously confident looks like. As a cat.

The Darkness in Me Understands the Darkness in You

In the spiritual community people are fond of saying, “Namaste”, which roughly translates to “the Divine in me, sees and honors, the Divine in you”.  Which is cool really, when you think about it.  But something about it irks me every time someone uses it.

It feels like there is an emphasize on only acknowledging the Light in us.  Only focus on, acknowledge, and honor the parts of us that are already in the Light.  I don’t feel that was the original intention of the word, but it’s what it feels like when it’s used now.

I don’t know if it works for other people, but pretending like I don’t have Darkness in me, doesn’t make it go away.  Avoiding it and being scared of it. . . also doesn’t do anyone any good.

When a person is scared of something or a situation, the tendency is to become less present in the moment.  The very moment that we need ourselves the most, is when we check out conscious-wise.  When we do that, we are leaving parts of ourselves in the dark. . . alone and scared.

It’s *those* parts of us that most want to be seen and brought into the Light.

What’s the Namaste word equivalent for, “The Dark in me, sees and understands, the Dark in you”?

We’ve painted all Dark as being Evil.  That is a very limited way of viewing existence.  Darkness also has purpose and meaning in the cosmos.

And while we’re in that limited way of seeing things, we are unable to admit and accept the parts of us that ARE Dark . . . leaving us always feeling incomplete, misunderstood, unseen, alone, unloved, unaccepted. . .

It’s the repression of these things that are not accepted, that results in the horrors we see unfolding in the news.

Horrible things happen when there isn’t a safe space for people to get to openly talk about and to get to understand better, the parts of them that are unacceptable in society.  And a safe space cannot be provided, when everyone is terrified of their own shadow.

It is a direct cause and affect.  If we as individuals, and as a whole, insist on pretending that these things don’t exist in all of us. . . and are unable to openly address them in a grown up, loving, humble, nonjudgmental way. . . then the horrors you see on TV will continue.  The “villians” are merely scapegoats for the things we cannot accept in ourselves as individuals and as a group.

If you make sex something to be ashamed of, not just in words but in action. . . then those who feel sexual needs a lot, will not feel okay in trying to openly understand their sexuality better.  A part of them, no matter what they try to tell themselves, will feel ashamed of feeling sexual.

Because of the shame, embarrassment, unacceptance of this part of them. . . they may try to pretend they don’t feel it at all. (Some go in the opposite direction and drown themselves in it.) They may try to get control of it.  They may even completely forget that they ever felt it, in order to hide from it.  Years later, it may start coming back out as anger. . . usually against the very thing they are suppressing.  Why?  Because it’s a part of themselves that they have exiled, and have been unable to accept or love themselves.  And that usually stems from some form of it not being accepted by others around them or in society at large.

This is why forcing or controlling things, ultimately does not work.  What you are trying to prevent, initially *seems* to disappear. . . but it’s actually only gone deep underneath.  Later it may erupt as a mass killing, or as a bombing.  And then we get to use the culprits as scapegoats.  They get to represent and be punished for our refusal to acknowledge the Darkness in Ourselves.

Most people never reach that degree, but instead lead mediocre. . . scared. . . never quite satisfying lives. . . true happiness is always just out of reach.

Isn’t it peculiar that ever since the whole “only think positive” movement has started. . . that things have gone to hell in a hand basket?

It *has* helped people get out of the negative thinking routine.  It has served a purpose. . . like a stair step on the way up.

You know you are being completely honest with yourself in a situation, when you have a realization about yourself that completely humbles you.  When you see how it has been you all along that has been getting in your own way.  There may be good reasons for why you do what you do. . . it may BE because someone else hurt you or did something bad to you. . . but in order to heal, that becomes irrelevant.  It does.not.matter.  Because it is up to you to move through it.

The person who hurt you. . . had not moved through their own hurt that someone else inflicted on them. . . and that’s how you came to be hurt. . . and while in that hurt, you unintentionally hurt others. . . and that’s how the cycle continues. (And from that perspective, makes it not so personal anymore.)

If you wish for it to stop, then it needs to start with you.

The Darkness in me, Sees and Understands, the Darkness in you.