Only I Am the Boss of Me

Today feels like a power building day for me.  Building up power is a process that shouldn’t be rushed or forced.  It requires your presence and awareness, even as you direct and make room for the increasing energy.  Even as you let yourself feel deeply and surrender control.

Surrender the feeling of thinking you have any say in how things go down, both in your life and others.  Quit fixating on making things how you think you want them to be.  Your job becomes opening to whatever is being asked of you, and not whatever you have thumping in your head day in and day out.  Your job becomes directing whatever comes through you, not trying to make whatever comes in, fit your tightly held understanding of how the world is supposed to be or even how you want it to be.

You are simply holding the space and structure for it to come through.  You are meant to guide it, but you do not have the right to control it.  It is a gift.  Treat it as such.  Respect, trust, and honor it by opening the way for it as wide as possible, and by not trying to change it.  Let it be, what it is meant to be.  If you feel tightening or weakening, you are trying to control it.  When you feel expansion, warmth, joy, love, and like your body is filled with oxygen, strength. . . you have gotten out of your own way.

What do you have to lose by giving into it?  You’ve obviously tried it a million other ways before, and still you can’t quite get where you’re trying to go. . . so what would happen if you just let go of trying to know better than Spirit?  Drop the burden of having to know how to do all of it, of trying to make it something that it doesn’t want to be.  How good would it feel to lay your burdens down?

When did we lose faith in something bigger than us?  When did we stop trusting in the grand scheme of things?  All we try to do every moment of every day of our life is control everything and everyone around us.  We pass laws and yell at each other how we or they should be, and the whole while nobody takes responsibility for themselves.  You’ll have to excuse the younger generations for not listening to their elders, when it’s obvious they have no idea what they are doing.

If you want respect, you must give it.

Just because you may find yourself in a position of authority or are older, does not mean you get to do whatever you want at the expense of others.  It does not mean that you own others.  It does not mean that you get to control others to further your own selfish agenda.

I look at my son’s generation, and then I look out at the world at what they are being given to model themselves after.

And it’s pathetic.

A government that doesn’t know how to responsibly budget and spend money, and who rewards corporations for making poor financial choices . . . and throws the people themselves into jail for not being able to pay their bills.  Why are the people of the country expected to be more grown up and responsible than their own government and leaders?

The world’s governments show the kids that when you can’t settle your differences, you go to war and you kill each other.

And then when they act out in the same ways, our government throws them into prisons and say they are what’s wrong with society.  Or they blame the parents.  They don’t take personal responsibility for having failed as a leader, they blame everyone else around them.

And then they wonder why the younger generations don’t take responsibility for themselves.

They are a direct reflection of where and how they’ve been failed by their leaders and authorities.  And now, as they enter adult hood, they are being asked to be even more grown up than those that have gone before them in order to try and make things right again.

It’s so infuriating, it’s enough to make me want to cut myself too.

Where have all the grown ups gone?  Where are our elders?  Where are the true leaders?

I see nothing but cyclical, repeated dysfunction that perpetuates from generation to generation – and we are taught and even forced against our will from early childhood, to conform to it.  Told “That’s just how things are” or “Welcome to reality.”

Well, Fuck.That.

I will not be told by others who have yet to grow up themselves, how things should be.  I will not go against my own inner authority and continue to disempower myself and feel helpless about the circumstances I’m in, just because there are a bunch of spoiled children currently running the show.

They continually cross people’s personal boundaries and dictate to them who and how they should be.  That shows a lack of trust in the people as well as a lack of trust in their own ability to lead.  It sets up the victim/aggressor energy dynamic that we see running rampant around the world. We’re told what to do so often, that we no longer remember how to count on or trust in ourselves or each other.

That generation was disempowered themselves as children.  And so now we all pay for it as they take up leadership positions.

In turn they disempower, even further, the younger generations. . . and we will pay for that as they come into power.

I am NOT going to sit here and see all of this unfolding, and be the helpless victim that can’t do anything about it.  I know EXACTLY what to do about it.

I’m going to be a grown up myself.  I’ve always felt like I had to be a grown up, but I mean to be a grown up furreals.  And in my own way, not what I’ve been shown it means to be a grown up.

I cannot look to our current leaders and authority figures to know how to do that.  To copy them, is to continue the same problems that we find ourselves in today.

I have to get out of the habit of thinking that they know better than me, that they are smarter than me.  They are not.

They are scared too.  They don’t know any better than the rest of us what should be done.  I’m sure at some level they wish that someone who knew better than them could step in and help.  The same way that a child feels when faced with circumstances that somehow got away from them and are overwhelmed.

It’s time to listen to what we feel deep inside of ourselves, and respond from there. . . and not from what we’ve been shown by the rest of the world by their actions.

I will speak up for myself when I feel a boundary has been crossed, regardless if it’s something currently accepted by societal norms.  I will find the strength to be contrary when it’s something important to me.

I will let myself feel strongly.  I will be silly when the feeling comes across me.  I will sing when my heart demands it.  I will dance when the energy moves me to do so.

I will be understanding and loving of others, including their faults . . . but I will not tolerate being treated any less than I deserve.  I will hold true to myself, and in doing so – hold others true to themselves.

I will not back down just for the sake of peace and non-confrontation, I will confront whatever issue is brought into my life and my attention, and I will do it with openness and respect for all involved and insist the same in return.

I will be consciously aware of what I am spending my time on.  I will nurture whatever I feel is important enough to be spending time on.  I will insist from myself that I only live from an open and loving heart.

I will let things be how they are meant to be and not try to force or control them.  I can only control my response to what is brought into my life.  I will come to peace within myself for anything outside of that control.

I will live a life that shows it is okay to feel and be alive.  I will feel joy and genuine enthusiasm again.  I will live an unapologetic life.  I’m tired of being ashamed of being alive and human.  I’m tired of being ashamed about caring about things.  I’m tired of feelings being viewed as a disease.  I will fetter kindness nilly willy around me like it’s something that grows on trees.

Bottomline, is that there is no reason or excuse for me to be anything other than the things I know how to be.  At this stage in the game, I have nothing left to lose. . . but everything to gain.

I never found the role model I was always looking for in life.  That someone who could help me navigate the rough waters of life, having made it through the treacherous waters themselves.  Everyone I met, was just as lost as I was.  Some knew they were lost, some only saw me as being the one lost.

I don’t know when it happened exactly. But one day while looking in the mirror as I put on my makeup, I realized that somewhere along the line. . . I had become the person I was looking for.  I had become my own authority.  And, only I am the boss of me.

I don’t know what happened to the great leaders of yesteryear, but I do need to face the possibility that I may be one of the leaders of tomorrow.  Which means I need to start stepping up to the plate, and taking my place.

My whole life I’ve been scared of people and especially any authority figures, and the last thing I ever thought I would be is a leader of any kind.  But when I open up to what is coming into me, and see it for what it really is and not what I think it should be, that’s what it tells me is coming into being.

Whatever is going to happen, is going to happen.  All anyone can really do, is go along with it willingly . . . or get dragged through it miserably.  The Universe is all, “Whatevs”. : D

The Sun is the Boss of itself


  1. Jean Mackenzie says:

    Aaah, all so true. We have so easily given our power away and then wondered why it’s been abused. Your subject reminds me of when my brother was about 6 or 7 and a particularly controlling aunt told him to do something and he retorted: “You’re not the boss of me!”

    Thanks Jen for sharing your thoughts so liberally – I always enjoy your blogs!


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