We’re All On This Road Together

This morning I was feeling like my writing has been *off* for me lately.  I used to feel a lot more openness and excitement when writing.  It used to flow more freely and feel fun.  It used to feel really satisfying when I hit the publish button.  But, it hasn’t felt that way lately, and I want to know why.

When asking my journal that same question this morning, I received a surprising answer.  (Such a clever journal I have.)  I wrote:

I think I try too hard.  I think maybe I’m trying to prove something?  Trying to impress?  I think I have been.  I think I’ve been feeling so incompetent in life lately, that I’ve been trying to make up for it with my blog posts.  Like, “See – I’m actually pretty smart and I know things and stuff. . . “

If I’m really being honest with myself. . . I think this may be the truth.

I *do* have a lot of information. . . but I walk through life feeling like I don’t know anything, or that everyone around me knows better than I do.  I’m not consciously aware that I’m feeling this, but it plays out in various ways in my responses and reactions to others.

I wrote yesterday, about how I felt something shifting and changing in me. . . and I do.  But it’s also resulting in a tug of war inside of me, bringing up the very things that have prevented me from being all Gemini social butterfly in the past.  I’m not feeling concerned that maybe I’m regressing, so much as understanding and coming to peace with both parts of me. . . the recluse and the social butterfly.  I don’t kill one in favor of the other and declare victory. . . I integrate and become both fully.

There are many reasons I secluded myself, and all are valid.  Some reasons are from hurt, and some are from need.  Some of the hurt that comes from being around other people, is that I tend to feel like an idiot.  The reasons and whys of it are irrelevant at this point, it’s enough for me to just say that I feel that way.

Feeling like an idiot does nothing for a person’s self confidence.  It prevents me from speaking what I feel and know.  It tightens my throat and my stomach. . . my ability to speak and my own personal power.  So there are all these things that want to come out, but I don’t feel confident enough in myself to own it and speak it around others, or to actually do something with it.  I just keep leading a mediocre life, doing only a fraction of what I know I’m capable of, and feeling like a failure everywhere I go because of it.

Being able to write and publish any words at all online, has been a herculean task for me.  It’s been my way of trying to learn how to speak and live out loud. . . outside of myself.  A way to build strength and confidence, so that I can learn how to say what’s inside of me without tapping out.  Jay even had a dream about it not too long ago, that was very revealing to me.  I was an apple on a table, with a lot of knowledge. . . but I was too scared.  I even fainted.  A fainting apple pretty much sums me up.

But in the meantime, while I’ve worked on become braver. . . I have continued to feel very incompetent in the other areas of my life, and I think I’ve come to lean on my blog posts as a place where I can try and feel like I’m somebody.  That the feeling of lack in the other areas of my life don’t really feel that way as long as I’m writing posts.

That has affected the quality and enjoyment of my writing.  No matter how much I’ve consciously tried to keep as *real* as possible when I’m writing, if I’m not admitting even to myself how I’m feeling in the rest of my life, it’s going to seep into this area as well.  Instead of just feeling and writing for the pure joy of it, I am subconsciously trying to prove myself.  I’m trying to make myself be seen as I wish others in life would see me. . . and that’s not being real at all.

It is so easy to fool ourselves, when we don’t wish to see the truth.

I don’t want my writing to be sabotaged because I’m focusing on how others will see me, possibly judge me, based on what I write.  That goes for writing outrageously (to try and push others away. . . a kind of “I don’t care what others think” mentality) to writing safely (trying to take into account everyone’s feelings and being various levels of politically correct. . . even as I hate on the whole concept of being PC).

My best writings have happened when I came from a place of not having a message in mind.  When I wasn’t trying to be anyone or say anything in particular at all.

To add a whole new layer of honest, it’s been when I didn’t hold myself separate from everyone else.  When I let it be okay for me to be “average”, or “normal”, or just like everyone else.  I was joking with Jay the other morning that I have an inferiority complex. . . but I think that maybe I really do.  I have felt so insignificant, so unimportant in the big scheme of things. . . that I hold myself apart from others because it hurts too much to admit that maybe I’m the same as everyone else

I think a part of me does think I’m better than everyone else. Or *wants* to believe that.  I’m not always feeling this, but it is a part of my shadow side that I need to bring to light so I can give it great big bear hugs.

Otherwise, how can I truly connect with others?  I can’t do that if I’m holding myself higher or separate from them.

And it’s really, really not fair to others.  I don’t want to make people feel like they are less than me, just because I feel like I’m less than nothing. . . in my attempt to try to prove to them that I’m something.

Especially when the basis for it isn’t even true.  Or rather, the perspective is all off.  If you lived your whole life in a room with only the brightest minds of the universe. . . you’d feel pretty average and insignificant based on not knowing the even bigger picture.

What I wrote in my post yesterday, about wanting to have connections with people again, and wanting to be in others lives and vice versa, is coming from a place of just being and feeling like one of the “peeps” here on Earth, and it feels really, really fantastic.

So, I think maybe I’ll come down to Earth, and let it be okay to be human for a bit.

It doesn’t mean that I’m not going to be outrageous, or ridiculous, or change moods (or my mind) in the blink of an eye. . . but it does mean that I’ll get to be those things *with* others, and they get to be those things with me too.

We're all on this road together.

Comments

  1. Hey sweet Jenn,

    Beautiful post. And I so can relate to what you are saying.
    And the important thing for me is also, be myself whatever that may look like. And yes, do not need to prove myself. Just have to be it. even when it looks like boring or whatever.
    And the wonderful part is also, that i do feel more lightspace and cracks of Lightspace opening up within me so that the stuff in life is less stressful and so much more open even when i feel uncomfortable with a situation or other people. The Lightspace keeps it open to see the things as they are, and see and feel the difference between my “fearful” thoughts about them and what is really true. very helpful and freeing.
    So yes, be you thats all you need to be.

    Much Love and open heartedness,
    Mirjam/Sunshine

    Like

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