Watch Out World, Cuz Here I Come!

Omg, I’ve started to realize something new that is changing in me that I just had to share (said every Gemini ever).

I wasn’t really recognizing the feeling at first, because it’s been nearly a decade since I’ve felt anything like it.  I’m kind of excited about it!  : D

This last decade has been, more or less, spent in seclusion going through every nook and cranny (is that still a phrase being used?) of my inner self and bringing it to light.  I’ve been observing, understanding, trying out new things, testing hypothesis, changing, throwing out what is no longer useful to me, learning new ways, etc.

I’ve done my lion’s share of floor crying, woe is me, WTF?!, hating, falling apart, coming back together just in time to fall back apart.  I’ve lost lots of friends.  I’ve gained some too, but overall I’ve been locked away in a place that felt like it was my new permanent home.  Anyone that knew me when I was younger in school, wouldn’t have recognized the Jenn I’ve been the last ten years. . . and I feel like anyone who has known me in the last ten years. . . is going to wonder what’s happening with me.  So I’m going to be preemptive.  : )

{This is so exciting!}

I want to rejoin the world!  O.O

I know, right?  : D

And what I mean by that, is I feel a really strong feeling coming back into me where I feel better when I’m connecting with people and being out and about. . . than being at home.  This is HUGE for me!

I am WANTING to connect with others.  I WANT to make friends.  I WANT to build memories with lots of other people and be all, “Do you remember that time we. . . ”

I want to be a part of other people’s lives, and I want others to be a part of mine.

I cannot tell you how good it feels. . . for all of *this* to feel good.  I have been so sick of being cutoff and closed away, but I just wasn’t able to be any other way.  But now. . . NOW. . . it’s changing!!  I am feeling so much relief start to come into me, like “Finally, it’s about damn time!”

When I was first realizing all of this, and I heard all of the ways I was describing what I was feeling come into me, I realized that I was totally describing my Sun/Jupiter Sign –> Gemini.  I’m finally getting to become my Sun(shine).

In astrology, you grow *into* your Sun sign as you get older.  You may show signs of it when you’re younger, but it’s a raw version and quite often the shadow side of that sign.  But as you grow and mature, you grow into a glowy version of it.  Your Sun sign is how you shine.

Here’s why I’m so damn excited.  Try and keep up with me here: Saturn (restrictor, teacher, life lessons) in my natal chart is in Leo (Self Creativity, loves the spotlight, warm-hearted), which is ruled by the Sun.  Leo is the epitome of a person shining their light.  With Saturn in the sign of the sun in my chart (and 5th house. . . which is ruled by the Sun & Leo. . . so double whammy for me), it means that until I master my Saturn. . . my Sun, or way of shining, is going to be restricted.

It looks a lot like the last ten years of my life.  A Gemini with very few friends and who has a hard time being out with people, and would rather die than be the center of attention.

One more aspect that’s played a part in this, is that I have Pluto conjunct my descendant.  Translation: Others scare the shit out of me.  They intimidate me.  I don’t just hand my power over to people, I throw them the whole basket and run in the opposite direction.  I close up, stop breathing, and nearly pass out.  This is super sad for an Aries Rising person. (The rising sign or ascendant is the exact opposite side of the descendant.  Rising/Ascendant = Self, Descendant = Other)  Aries is the warrior, leader. . . the person who gets things done, and goes into things head first.  Watching an Aries Rising quiver, hide, or run is just about the saddest thing you will ever see.

So this is why I’m so damn excited about this definite shift I’m feeling in me: In order for me to truly be feeling the want and need to reconnect into the world and life. . . I must truly. . . and finally. . . be healing.  My dedication and hard work (Saturn) is finally starting to pay off.

Also, I am finally learning how to own my power, even when I’m around other people.  I’m starting to not be afraid anymore.  I’m starting to trust that I’ll be able to handle whatever comes my way.  I’m starting to trust myself to be able to speak and stand up for myself when someone tries to cross my boundaries. . . and not in an asshole kind of way if it can be helped.  But I’m not afraid to go there if I must (Astrologer’s note: Pluto is in Libra . . . and my North Node is also in Libra/7th house.  Oh. . . and Venus/Mars is in Aries.  A delight, I can assure you).

I know that I’ve been working on “healing” for a good portion of my life. . . but there’s a point when you start to wonder if this healing thing is some myth.  Is it actually something that really happens, or do you just learn to live with it and push it aside and tell yourself you are as healed as you’re ever going to get?

But, both last night and this morning when I got up, and I tested out the feeling. . . my eyes grew bigger and bigger with excitement. . . because I’m feeling an ACTUAL shift/change happening in me.  When I used to think about connecting with people and making friends, I felt anxiety, cut off, cold, fearful, weak. . . I couldn’t handle it.  But this morning, I tried on the feeling, “How would it feel if I were to. . . start hanging out with people and chit chat about this and that” . . . and I felt myself become less stressed (yes.  I said LESS stressed. . . how fucking cool is that?!?!) and I felt more opening in me and a warmth and excitement. . . and like, “Yeah, that sounds great! That sounds and feels exactly like what I want to do!”

This is a day, that I never thought I’d see.  This is a real life manifestation of a person.actually.healing!  This is like a frafillion levels of awesome!  Just the idea that it really does and can happen, is kinda blowing my mind.

Of course, this means that I have to change how I approach life.  I’ll have to let myself be open to the opportunities that present themselves.  I’ll have to let go of how I used to respond, and not resist the urge to respond in my new. . . more natural way.  But the cool part that really helps all of that, is that I WANT to do and be that.  It feels really, really good to finally WANT to do it.

{Big Satisfying Sigh}

So, I guess what I’m saying is . . . “Watch out world, cuz here I come!”

Comments

  1. Jean Mackenzie says:

    Congrats!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Big hug…

    Like

  2. Ha, I’m a Leo. I get it! Stumbled across your page while searching astrology. We are strangers with very similar interests. Enjoy shining! It’s fun!

    Like

    • Ha! What is interesting, is that the more I master my Leo Saturn . . . the more Leo Suns start popping up in my life. I like how Leos can be all warm and RAWR-ey, as well as not be afraid to have fun with their whole heart! ❤

      Like

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