Be As Ridiculous As Possible. You Just Might Save the World.

I have no idea where this post is going.  All I know is I need to write.

And I want to be more spontaneous today.  Loosen up some stiff, stuck, restricted, tightened energy.

I feel such a strange mixture of feelings trying to exist in me at the same time.  But when I’m able to let it happen. . . W o W . . . it’s great!

It’s a deep comfy, peaceful, loving feeling for myself, my family, and everyone surrounding me. . . mixed with a sunshiney dramatic epicness that lives out in a life-size musical ever playing out in my head that pushes me to sing out loud and dance where ever I am.

I can even see how this shows in my natal chart, and even had me laughing at myself this morning when it hit me *why* I feel this weird mixture. . . and that it relates to a need for mastering these paradoxical energies.  I say paradoxical, because one is a mix of energies that are about being at home, mothering, nurturing, intimacy, family, being quiet and still.  The other mix of energies is more of being out and about and connecting with people and communicating my little heart out!

Within my body, the deep still energy is felt from the waist down. . . and the sunshiney energy is felt from my waist up.  When I’m feeling things deeply. . . it tends to shut a gate to my sunshiney part and I’m unable to be social.  When I’m being sunshiney and social, the gate to the other side of me gets shut and I’m not able to feel my deeper feelings.  I am aware of them. . . but more like memories of them, I don’t *feel* them within myself.

I have, have, HAVE to be able to flow between the two at will.  Or aka. . . master the reconciliation of these seemingly incompatible energies, before I feel whole.

And it feels so close! I know when I’ve managed an open flow between the two, because I simultaneously light up like a supernova and *also* feel such immense love and care for everyone and everything, that I nearly burst into song and cry at the same time.

And it feels so GOOD.  Just like I wrote in my When You Believe post, when I went into a *moment* in a reply to a comment.  It wasn’t the comment that was so important to me. . . it was the space and state of mind that I had been in during that moment that was just so incredible to me.

Ever trying to refine myself,  I’m trying to understand what’s going on in that state . . . but without trying to analyze and pick it apart.  So I guess just sensing and feeling out the flowing of feelings that seem to move me into that space, while simultaneously try to “let go” of trying to control any of the process. (It again makes me think of trying to walk a tight rope across the grand canyon.)

Each insight I get helps to add to my foundation to stay in that place longer.

Today’s insight:

Allow space to feel and be dramatic – quit worrying about what other people think of you when you’re being like this!

This feels really good to me today.  AND it touches (yet again) on that child-like feeling that I have also said feels like “I believe again”.  Surprise, surprise.  It’s the same energy. . . It’s called Leo energy.  Leo is ruled by the Sun (and 5th house).  Leo loves (NEEDS) attention.  It’s like Oxygen to him.  Leo is also our eternal inner child.  Leo is *also* our creative energy.  It’s where and how we play.

The planet, Saturn, is very serious, structured, disciplined, taskmaster, life teacher. . . is one of Astrology’s least favorite planets because where ever he is in your chart, is where you are going to have to work hard to achieve results. . . but when you do, and you’ve earned your degree in Saturn-ville. . . you are greatly rewarded.  It can show in your life as a fear, as a weakness, guilt, sorrow, etc.

I have Saturn . . . in Leo. . . in my 5th house.  I have to work hard at learning how to play and have fun.

Laugh allllll you want.  I’ve already heard it all from my fellow astrologers.  “Oh. . . you poor dear, you have to figure out how to have fun and be creative.”

Well, it’s been no picnic.

I try to maintain control of myself.  Where Leo LOVES the spotlight, I HATE the spotlight.  Get that damn thing out of my face!  A couple years back, if a room were to suddenly all bring their attention to me . . . I became a deer caught in the headlights. . . I would just freeze.  ARRRRRRGGGHHHHH! Look away!  Look away!

That’s just one example of how a Saturn in Leo and/or 5th house can show up in life.  And because of this fear of being noticed, seen, etc. it stifles my creativity and ability to have fun while people have their attention on me.  Imagine every time you’re in someone’s presence, all of your warmth, creative ability, and feeling of “fun” got sucked away like a black hole had just come upon you.  (Btw. . . this isn’t all of Saturn’s influence. . . there are many other things at play in my chart that result in this.)  In that situation, the whole “you have to figure out how to have fun and be creative ANYWAYS and despite that” becomes a less fun challenge.

My first step in trying to overcome it was. . . . BREATHE!

I realized that what I did subconsciously whenever someone came around me, was I held my breath.  That’s really going contrary to what I’m really wanting to do. . . which is LIVE.

(Quick astrology side note: My Sun sign (Sun is *ruled* by Leo) is Gemini.  Saturn being in Leo. . . affects my Sun because of the Sun/Leo connection.  So Saturn ALSO restricts my Sun.  Gemini rules the lungs (and hands) and is an air sign.  So this is a real life example of how our natal charts play out in our regular lives.  Someone pays attention to me (Leo energy), I become afraid (Saturn), and then I stop breathing (Gemini).  A great remedy to this . . . is to remember to keep breathing even when someone is paying attention to me.)

But back to present time.  Being dramatic, epic, larger than life! . . . is Leo!!  And the fact that I’m able to feel AND express that energy. . . means I’ve taken Saturn up on his challenge and I’ve been working really hard at my life lesson.  That alone is something to celebrate!

So, anyways. . . back to the insight, the feeling from childhood I’ve started to regain, the “I believe again” energy. . . here’s the added layer I felt today:

Really get into those feelings, and overemphasize them. . . just like actors have to when on stage in order to convey their feelings to the audience.  It’s a weird place for me to be. . . BUT I *do* remember being and feeling that when I was younger and when I played.  It feels STUPENDOUS to me.

Like when a song would come on the radio and it was my FAVORITE and I’d grab something to hold like a microphone and my imagination had already supplied the audience for me and I was the BEST performer they had EVER, EVER seen and I was working that stage and song with every bit of my being.  No shyness, shame, guilt, self consciousness or whatever.  I wasn’t sorry for how I was.  I was just BEING with all my . . . uh. . . being.  I wasn’t thinking I can’t sing in tune, or that I looked ridiculous. . . I was thinking “I am ALIVE”!!!

And that is Leo energy.  Being vibrantly, unapologetically Alive.  Roaring like a Lion.  Being filled and exuding life and light.  Warmth.  Love.  Fully open to Life and everything it can throw your way.

And really. . . when you think about it. . . Life *is* dramatic.  We are here playing parts and pretending to be things that we are not.  That’s being pretty damn dramatic if you ask me.

“Oh, look at me, I’m a miserable nobody!”  (<—-me being very dramatic about something that I’m NOT.)

That’s dumb.  And that’s not who I really am.

So many times, when somebody does something with ALL of their Heart (<—-is also ruled by Leo) and put their whole body, face, and energy into it (singing like you’re on broadway) you get made fun of or mocked.  It becomes a “who do you think you are” situation.  You get shut down.  But why?  And why do we let that stop us from being like that?  Is it because people think that *we* think we’re better than they are?  Or does it make them uncomfortable (I really don’t know the answer, just throwing possibilities out there).  It doesn’t need to be like that.  That is the fun inner child coming out to play!  Instead of mocking. . . how about we just join in!!!

We take it so damn serious.  O.O

Me included.  Or me especially, I should say.  Saturn in Leo in the 5th has shown up as me being a pretty serious person.  All work and no play.  And that’s dumb, too.  Because I have an ENORMOUS inner child who has been rattling her prison bars, ROARING to be let out!  (She’s throwing a good old fashion Leo temper tantrum.)

I wanted to try out this idea, of being over the top dramatic, to see if it did in fact make me feel better.  So I put on my dramatic (yet contemplative. . . because I don’t want to just shine. . . I want to feel too) playlist and said. . .

“Ok, Jenn.  Here’s the scene.  You’ve just been cast as the “Dramatic Deep Feeling Diva”, and although prior to now you’ve played the meek, small, insignificant nobody. . . you have to transform into the Diva in order to save . . . The World. “

{gasp}  O.O

“And in order to do that, you have to be as open and expressive as possible.  If you don’t open full throttle. . . *they* will know.  I mean you have to just be completely ridiculous.  If you don’t completely embarrass yourself in how over the top you are being. . . we are all. going. to. die!”

{gulp}

Well. . . I don’t want to let anyone down so . . . cue dramatic feeling song.

And I just gave into it, like I did when I was 9.  (If you’re curious, the song that came on was Frozen by Madonna. . . I’ll see if I can find a youtube video to add).

I went nuts into it.  Eyes closed, open heart, freakishly contorted face, whole body getting into it and expressing it. . . just leaning and feeling my way into the song.  And thinking, “Oh yeah, I’m being so ridiculous. . . I’m totally saving the world.”

It.felt.so.good.  Big Sigh of relief.  Oh man. . . I had no idea how much I missed being so ridiculous.  I love it.  I really, really love it.  It makes my heart sing, it makes me feel alive, satisfied, content, warm, loving, open-hearted. . . just everything.  It connects me to my Whole Self.

But do you know what would make it even better?  You!!  Being ridiculous by myself is pretty great, I have to admit. . . but OMG. . . if there was more than one of us being ridiculous together?!

Well. . . together, we just might save the world.

= D

Comments

  1. You bring up so many good points. I actually love feeling “goofy” and it feels freeing. Being such a “good kid” growing up I remember NOT doing embarrassing things really young/early. At my most playful, now, I feel my most free 🙂

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    • {tigger pounce} Carmen! = D

      It does feel freeing. I want to learn how to be like that more often. At the beginning of June, I had such a moment. I was just out for a walk in nature, me and my ipod. I found a trail I hadn’t gone down before. It led to such a beautiful, semi-secluded scenic area. I was feeling so good from the “find” (I’m such an explorer at heart), and so moved with the music playing . . . that I found myself moving to the music more and more.

      I got to a crossroads (literally), where I stopped and sunk into the music. I’ve always danced . . . but it’s always been secluded in my bedroom alone. It’s a very sacred thing to me. . . a kind of moving meditation. While in this spot, I felt the feeling that I normally only feel while I’m safe and alone in my room. . . . start to wash over me.

      It was early enough in the day, that I didn’t have to worry too much about joggers or bike riders. Plus, I was so filled with the wonderful feeling I get when I get into that dance space, that I *almost* didn’t care if I was seen. I at first just did it for a few seconds to test out how it felt. It felt so good that I was almost overwhelmed with emotion for a moment.

      I had to keep stopping and collecting myself. . . plus I was still feeling a little jumpy that someone might come around the corner and see this woman out in the middle of nowhere, dancing like a loon. But, I was suddenly so tired of being scared and hiding, that I was able to give in to the music and “the dance”. I took in a deep breath, opened myself up and . . . began moving. . . just as I do when I’m alone in my room.

      The only difference was (and this kind of caught me off guard) is that I had more “space” to move. I wasn’t actually using or taking up any more space than when I’m in my room. . . it’s just that without the walls of my room . . . I was able to energetically spread out from horizon to horizon. I had no idea how much the walls of my room had kept me from spreading my wings, so to speak. I didn’t even know that I was feeling it energetically in that sense. It was only when I went to move the same as usual, that I realized I felt so BIG while outside.

      It felt so good, letting so much of my Self out – like stretching out for the first time after a lifetime in a little box.

      I was so enraptured, that I hadn’t initially noticed a runner coming up on my left. When I did sense that there was someone there, I opened my eyes briefly and saw them and there was this split second decision on how I was going to respond to this situation. It was too late to pretend like I wasn’t doing anything at all. Plus, I was in another state of mind completely. I felt like I was seeing out of Spirit’s eyes and not Jenn the Human’s eyes. And I decided that I wasn’t stopping for nothing or no one. I figured if nothing else, they would thing I was out doing Tai Chi or something.

      I didn’t even miss a beat. I just kept going as if this was the new “in” thing to be doing. A complete first for me. Someone’s attention was briefly on my, but I chose a new way to be, and not only continued breathing. . . I continued dancing my sacred, very personal, meditation dance.

      That was June 1 . . . and I haven’t been able to do anything like it since. I’ve tried, but it’s like my self consciousness is on hyper alert now.

      It kind of sounds like you were (or felt you had to be) the responsible one growing up. Kind of missing out on getting to be a child at all. It is so sad when that happens. It’s sad that we lose that feeling at all, as we move through adolescence. Every adult I know could benefit from unleashing their inner child.

      I wish I knew of an outlet to help those who never got to know what it was like to be like that, to reclaim that part of them. I don’t know. . . I guess *kind* of like a support group. . . but maybe something not so cheesy as that. Being such a serious individual, I almost need some sort of structure around it in order to tell myself that I’m serious about it (ha! Saturn in Leo/5th –> I take my fun seriously.)

      What are your thoughts, Carmen? I don’t know where I’m going with this, it just feels like an idea or something is trying to brew.

      I’ll just let it go for now. : )

      (Btw, Happy 4th of July!!)

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      • As always….you rock! I feel my most playful, right now, when I dance too. I put on my funkiest, old school (and most frequently “black”) music and shake my ass!!! It makes me laugh out loud. Dance seems like such an elemental way to get back into our bodies. Although sex can do that as well. This is a big one for those of us who used our amazing brains to keep us “safe” growing up. A huge part of my transformation right now is to integrate my spirit back further into my physical body and allowing for the memories/emotions to MOVE through as they come. This is also a dance.
        I’ve been playing around with the idea of a weekly love meditation group (one hour) to open our hearts/minds/bodies and ground in love….but this conversation made me think it would be fun to dance at the beginning to get us grounded :).
        So much fun and delight to chew on. Excited for your day!!!!!!

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  2. Ophelia says:

    happy freedom day jennifer!

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