Only I Am the Boss of Me

Today feels like a power building day for me.  Building up power is a process that shouldn’t be rushed or forced.  It requires your presence and awareness, even as you direct and make room for the increasing energy.  Even as you let yourself feel deeply and surrender control.

Surrender the feeling of thinking you have any say in how things go down, both in your life and others.  Quit fixating on making things how you think you want them to be.  Your job becomes opening to whatever is being asked of you, and not whatever you have thumping in your head day in and day out.  Your job becomes directing whatever comes through you, not trying to make whatever comes in, fit your tightly held understanding of how the world is supposed to be or even how you want it to be.

You are simply holding the space and structure for it to come through.  You are meant to guide it, but you do not have the right to control it.  It is a gift.  Treat it as such.  Respect, trust, and honor it by opening the way for it as wide as possible, and by not trying to change it.  Let it be, what it is meant to be.  If you feel tightening or weakening, you are trying to control it.  When you feel expansion, warmth, joy, love, and like your body is filled with oxygen, strength. . . you have gotten out of your own way.

What do you have to lose by giving into it?  You’ve obviously tried it a million other ways before, and still you can’t quite get where you’re trying to go. . . so what would happen if you just let go of trying to know better than Spirit?  Drop the burden of having to know how to do all of it, of trying to make it something that it doesn’t want to be.  How good would it feel to lay your burdens down?

When did we lose faith in something bigger than us?  When did we stop trusting in the grand scheme of things?  All we try to do every moment of every day of our life is control everything and everyone around us.  We pass laws and yell at each other how we or they should be, and the whole while nobody takes responsibility for themselves.  You’ll have to excuse the younger generations for not listening to their elders, when it’s obvious they have no idea what they are doing.

If you want respect, you must give it.

Just because you may find yourself in a position of authority or are older, does not mean you get to do whatever you want at the expense of others.  It does not mean that you own others.  It does not mean that you get to control others to further your own selfish agenda.

I look at my son’s generation, and then I look out at the world at what they are being given to model themselves after.

And it’s pathetic.

A government that doesn’t know how to responsibly budget and spend money, and who rewards corporations for making poor financial choices . . . and throws the people themselves into jail for not being able to pay their bills.  Why are the people of the country expected to be more grown up and responsible than their own government and leaders?

The world’s governments show the kids that when you can’t settle your differences, you go to war and you kill each other.

And then when they act out in the same ways, our government throws them into prisons and say they are what’s wrong with society.  Or they blame the parents.  They don’t take personal responsibility for having failed as a leader, they blame everyone else around them.

And then they wonder why the younger generations don’t take responsibility for themselves.

They are a direct reflection of where and how they’ve been failed by their leaders and authorities.  And now, as they enter adult hood, they are being asked to be even more grown up than those that have gone before them in order to try and make things right again.

It’s so infuriating, it’s enough to make me want to cut myself too.

Where have all the grown ups gone?  Where are our elders?  Where are the true leaders?

I see nothing but cyclical, repeated dysfunction that perpetuates from generation to generation – and we are taught and even forced against our will from early childhood, to conform to it.  Told “That’s just how things are” or “Welcome to reality.”

Well, Fuck.That.

I will not be told by others who have yet to grow up themselves, how things should be.  I will not go against my own inner authority and continue to disempower myself and feel helpless about the circumstances I’m in, just because there are a bunch of spoiled children currently running the show.

They continually cross people’s personal boundaries and dictate to them who and how they should be.  That shows a lack of trust in the people as well as a lack of trust in their own ability to lead.  It sets up the victim/aggressor energy dynamic that we see running rampant around the world. We’re told what to do so often, that we no longer remember how to count on or trust in ourselves or each other.

That generation was disempowered themselves as children.  And so now we all pay for it as they take up leadership positions.

In turn they disempower, even further, the younger generations. . . and we will pay for that as they come into power.

I am NOT going to sit here and see all of this unfolding, and be the helpless victim that can’t do anything about it.  I know EXACTLY what to do about it.

I’m going to be a grown up myself.  I’ve always felt like I had to be a grown up, but I mean to be a grown up furreals.  And in my own way, not what I’ve been shown it means to be a grown up.

I cannot look to our current leaders and authority figures to know how to do that.  To copy them, is to continue the same problems that we find ourselves in today.

I have to get out of the habit of thinking that they know better than me, that they are smarter than me.  They are not.

They are scared too.  They don’t know any better than the rest of us what should be done.  I’m sure at some level they wish that someone who knew better than them could step in and help.  The same way that a child feels when faced with circumstances that somehow got away from them and are overwhelmed.

It’s time to listen to what we feel deep inside of ourselves, and respond from there. . . and not from what we’ve been shown by the rest of the world by their actions.

I will speak up for myself when I feel a boundary has been crossed, regardless if it’s something currently accepted by societal norms.  I will find the strength to be contrary when it’s something important to me.

I will let myself feel strongly.  I will be silly when the feeling comes across me.  I will sing when my heart demands it.  I will dance when the energy moves me to do so.

I will be understanding and loving of others, including their faults . . . but I will not tolerate being treated any less than I deserve.  I will hold true to myself, and in doing so – hold others true to themselves.

I will not back down just for the sake of peace and non-confrontation, I will confront whatever issue is brought into my life and my attention, and I will do it with openness and respect for all involved and insist the same in return.

I will be consciously aware of what I am spending my time on.  I will nurture whatever I feel is important enough to be spending time on.  I will insist from myself that I only live from an open and loving heart.

I will let things be how they are meant to be and not try to force or control them.  I can only control my response to what is brought into my life.  I will come to peace within myself for anything outside of that control.

I will live a life that shows it is okay to feel and be alive.  I will feel joy and genuine enthusiasm again.  I will live an unapologetic life.  I’m tired of being ashamed of being alive and human.  I’m tired of being ashamed about caring about things.  I’m tired of feelings being viewed as a disease.  I will fetter kindness nilly willy around me like it’s something that grows on trees.

Bottomline, is that there is no reason or excuse for me to be anything other than the things I know how to be.  At this stage in the game, I have nothing left to lose. . . but everything to gain.

I never found the role model I was always looking for in life.  That someone who could help me navigate the rough waters of life, having made it through the treacherous waters themselves.  Everyone I met, was just as lost as I was.  Some knew they were lost, some only saw me as being the one lost.

I don’t know when it happened exactly. But one day while looking in the mirror as I put on my makeup, I realized that somewhere along the line. . . I had become the person I was looking for.  I had become my own authority.  And, only I am the boss of me.

I don’t know what happened to the great leaders of yesteryear, but I do need to face the possibility that I may be one of the leaders of tomorrow.  Which means I need to start stepping up to the plate, and taking my place.

My whole life I’ve been scared of people and especially any authority figures, and the last thing I ever thought I would be is a leader of any kind.  But when I open up to what is coming into me, and see it for what it really is and not what I think it should be, that’s what it tells me is coming into being.

Whatever is going to happen, is going to happen.  All anyone can really do, is go along with it willingly . . . or get dragged through it miserably.  The Universe is all, “Whatevs”. : D

The Sun is the Boss of itself

We’re All On This Road Together

This morning I was feeling like my writing has been *off* for me lately.  I used to feel a lot more openness and excitement when writing.  It used to flow more freely and feel fun.  It used to feel really satisfying when I hit the publish button.  But, it hasn’t felt that way lately, and I want to know why.

When asking my journal that same question this morning, I received a surprising answer.  (Such a clever journal I have.)  I wrote:

I think I try too hard.  I think maybe I’m trying to prove something?  Trying to impress?  I think I have been.  I think I’ve been feeling so incompetent in life lately, that I’ve been trying to make up for it with my blog posts.  Like, “See – I’m actually pretty smart and I know things and stuff. . . “

If I’m really being honest with myself. . . I think this may be the truth.

I *do* have a lot of information. . . but I walk through life feeling like I don’t know anything, or that everyone around me knows better than I do.  I’m not consciously aware that I’m feeling this, but it plays out in various ways in my responses and reactions to others.

I wrote yesterday, about how I felt something shifting and changing in me. . . and I do.  But it’s also resulting in a tug of war inside of me, bringing up the very things that have prevented me from being all Gemini social butterfly in the past.  I’m not feeling concerned that maybe I’m regressing, so much as understanding and coming to peace with both parts of me. . . the recluse and the social butterfly.  I don’t kill one in favor of the other and declare victory. . . I integrate and become both fully.

There are many reasons I secluded myself, and all are valid.  Some reasons are from hurt, and some are from need.  Some of the hurt that comes from being around other people, is that I tend to feel like an idiot.  The reasons and whys of it are irrelevant at this point, it’s enough for me to just say that I feel that way.

Feeling like an idiot does nothing for a person’s self confidence.  It prevents me from speaking what I feel and know.  It tightens my throat and my stomach. . . my ability to speak and my own personal power.  So there are all these things that want to come out, but I don’t feel confident enough in myself to own it and speak it around others, or to actually do something with it.  I just keep leading a mediocre life, doing only a fraction of what I know I’m capable of, and feeling like a failure everywhere I go because of it.

Being able to write and publish any words at all online, has been a herculean task for me.  It’s been my way of trying to learn how to speak and live out loud. . . outside of myself.  A way to build strength and confidence, so that I can learn how to say what’s inside of me without tapping out.  Jay even had a dream about it not too long ago, that was very revealing to me.  I was an apple on a table, with a lot of knowledge. . . but I was too scared.  I even fainted.  A fainting apple pretty much sums me up.

But in the meantime, while I’ve worked on become braver. . . I have continued to feel very incompetent in the other areas of my life, and I think I’ve come to lean on my blog posts as a place where I can try and feel like I’m somebody.  That the feeling of lack in the other areas of my life don’t really feel that way as long as I’m writing posts.

That has affected the quality and enjoyment of my writing.  No matter how much I’ve consciously tried to keep as *real* as possible when I’m writing, if I’m not admitting even to myself how I’m feeling in the rest of my life, it’s going to seep into this area as well.  Instead of just feeling and writing for the pure joy of it, I am subconsciously trying to prove myself.  I’m trying to make myself be seen as I wish others in life would see me. . . and that’s not being real at all.

It is so easy to fool ourselves, when we don’t wish to see the truth.

I don’t want my writing to be sabotaged because I’m focusing on how others will see me, possibly judge me, based on what I write.  That goes for writing outrageously (to try and push others away. . . a kind of “I don’t care what others think” mentality) to writing safely (trying to take into account everyone’s feelings and being various levels of politically correct. . . even as I hate on the whole concept of being PC).

My best writings have happened when I came from a place of not having a message in mind.  When I wasn’t trying to be anyone or say anything in particular at all.

To add a whole new layer of honest, it’s been when I didn’t hold myself separate from everyone else.  When I let it be okay for me to be “average”, or “normal”, or just like everyone else.  I was joking with Jay the other morning that I have an inferiority complex. . . but I think that maybe I really do.  I have felt so insignificant, so unimportant in the big scheme of things. . . that I hold myself apart from others because it hurts too much to admit that maybe I’m the same as everyone else

I think a part of me does think I’m better than everyone else. Or *wants* to believe that.  I’m not always feeling this, but it is a part of my shadow side that I need to bring to light so I can give it great big bear hugs.

Otherwise, how can I truly connect with others?  I can’t do that if I’m holding myself higher or separate from them.

And it’s really, really not fair to others.  I don’t want to make people feel like they are less than me, just because I feel like I’m less than nothing. . . in my attempt to try to prove to them that I’m something.

Especially when the basis for it isn’t even true.  Or rather, the perspective is all off.  If you lived your whole life in a room with only the brightest minds of the universe. . . you’d feel pretty average and insignificant based on not knowing the even bigger picture.

What I wrote in my post yesterday, about wanting to have connections with people again, and wanting to be in others lives and vice versa, is coming from a place of just being and feeling like one of the “peeps” here on Earth, and it feels really, really fantastic.

So, I think maybe I’ll come down to Earth, and let it be okay to be human for a bit.

It doesn’t mean that I’m not going to be outrageous, or ridiculous, or change moods (or my mind) in the blink of an eye. . . but it does mean that I’ll get to be those things *with* others, and they get to be those things with me too.

We're all on this road together.

Watch Out World, Cuz Here I Come!

Omg, I’ve started to realize something new that is changing in me that I just had to share (said every Gemini ever).

I wasn’t really recognizing the feeling at first, because it’s been nearly a decade since I’ve felt anything like it.  I’m kind of excited about it!  : D

This last decade has been, more or less, spent in seclusion going through every nook and cranny (is that still a phrase being used?) of my inner self and bringing it to light.  I’ve been observing, understanding, trying out new things, testing hypothesis, changing, throwing out what is no longer useful to me, learning new ways, etc.

I’ve done my lion’s share of floor crying, woe is me, WTF?!, hating, falling apart, coming back together just in time to fall back apart.  I’ve lost lots of friends.  I’ve gained some too, but overall I’ve been locked away in a place that felt like it was my new permanent home.  Anyone that knew me when I was younger in school, wouldn’t have recognized the Jenn I’ve been the last ten years. . . and I feel like anyone who has known me in the last ten years. . . is going to wonder what’s happening with me.  So I’m going to be preemptive.  : )

{This is so exciting!}

I want to rejoin the world!  O.O

I know, right?  : D

And what I mean by that, is I feel a really strong feeling coming back into me where I feel better when I’m connecting with people and being out and about. . . than being at home.  This is HUGE for me!

I am WANTING to connect with others.  I WANT to make friends.  I WANT to build memories with lots of other people and be all, “Do you remember that time we. . . ”

I want to be a part of other people’s lives, and I want others to be a part of mine.

I cannot tell you how good it feels. . . for all of *this* to feel good.  I have been so sick of being cutoff and closed away, but I just wasn’t able to be any other way.  But now. . . NOW. . . it’s changing!!  I am feeling so much relief start to come into me, like “Finally, it’s about damn time!”

When I was first realizing all of this, and I heard all of the ways I was describing what I was feeling come into me, I realized that I was totally describing my Sun/Jupiter Sign –> Gemini.  I’m finally getting to become my Sun(shine).

In astrology, you grow *into* your Sun sign as you get older.  You may show signs of it when you’re younger, but it’s a raw version and quite often the shadow side of that sign.  But as you grow and mature, you grow into a glowy version of it.  Your Sun sign is how you shine.

Here’s why I’m so damn excited.  Try and keep up with me here: Saturn (restrictor, teacher, life lessons) in my natal chart is in Leo (Self Creativity, loves the spotlight, warm-hearted), which is ruled by the Sun.  Leo is the epitome of a person shining their light.  With Saturn in the sign of the sun in my chart (and 5th house. . . which is ruled by the Sun & Leo. . . so double whammy for me), it means that until I master my Saturn. . . my Sun, or way of shining, is going to be restricted.

It looks a lot like the last ten years of my life.  A Gemini with very few friends and who has a hard time being out with people, and would rather die than be the center of attention.

One more aspect that’s played a part in this, is that I have Pluto conjunct my descendant.  Translation: Others scare the shit out of me.  They intimidate me.  I don’t just hand my power over to people, I throw them the whole basket and run in the opposite direction.  I close up, stop breathing, and nearly pass out.  This is super sad for an Aries Rising person. (The rising sign or ascendant is the exact opposite side of the descendant.  Rising/Ascendant = Self, Descendant = Other)  Aries is the warrior, leader. . . the person who gets things done, and goes into things head first.  Watching an Aries Rising quiver, hide, or run is just about the saddest thing you will ever see.

So this is why I’m so damn excited about this definite shift I’m feeling in me: In order for me to truly be feeling the want and need to reconnect into the world and life. . . I must truly. . . and finally. . . be healing.  My dedication and hard work (Saturn) is finally starting to pay off.

Also, I am finally learning how to own my power, even when I’m around other people.  I’m starting to not be afraid anymore.  I’m starting to trust that I’ll be able to handle whatever comes my way.  I’m starting to trust myself to be able to speak and stand up for myself when someone tries to cross my boundaries. . . and not in an asshole kind of way if it can be helped.  But I’m not afraid to go there if I must (Astrologer’s note: Pluto is in Libra . . . and my North Node is also in Libra/7th house.  Oh. . . and Venus/Mars is in Aries.  A delight, I can assure you).

I know that I’ve been working on “healing” for a good portion of my life. . . but there’s a point when you start to wonder if this healing thing is some myth.  Is it actually something that really happens, or do you just learn to live with it and push it aside and tell yourself you are as healed as you’re ever going to get?

But, both last night and this morning when I got up, and I tested out the feeling. . . my eyes grew bigger and bigger with excitement. . . because I’m feeling an ACTUAL shift/change happening in me.  When I used to think about connecting with people and making friends, I felt anxiety, cut off, cold, fearful, weak. . . I couldn’t handle it.  But this morning, I tried on the feeling, “How would it feel if I were to. . . start hanging out with people and chit chat about this and that” . . . and I felt myself become less stressed (yes.  I said LESS stressed. . . how fucking cool is that?!?!) and I felt more opening in me and a warmth and excitement. . . and like, “Yeah, that sounds great! That sounds and feels exactly like what I want to do!”

This is a day, that I never thought I’d see.  This is a real life manifestation of a person.actually.healing!  This is like a frafillion levels of awesome!  Just the idea that it really does and can happen, is kinda blowing my mind.

Of course, this means that I have to change how I approach life.  I’ll have to let myself be open to the opportunities that present themselves.  I’ll have to let go of how I used to respond, and not resist the urge to respond in my new. . . more natural way.  But the cool part that really helps all of that, is that I WANT to do and be that.  It feels really, really good to finally WANT to do it.

{Big Satisfying Sigh}

So, I guess what I’m saying is . . . “Watch out world, cuz here I come!”

We Are Each A Blazing Light of Glory

I had the most unusual dream last night.  At first I wasn’t sure what the dream was referencing, but the more I wrote and talked it out. . . the more I realized it was a memory from shortly before I was born here.  I feel the weird, almost disorienting, feeling of having regained a long lost memory.

I was wandering around a place.  This place had lots of food.  There was a whole section just for meat . . . in clear packaging.  As I wandered through that particular open room, I was thinking of how there was plenty of food for everyone.  This food thing was a little strange, but it was nice to know that there was plenty of everything for everyone.  It was interesting to me though, because the whole idea of needing to have something outside of me in order to sustain myself was a little foreign to me.  Even trying to pretend like I needed food was an exercise in imagination.

I wondered what it was going to feel like, when we all were going to feel like there maybe isn’t enough for everyone.  I saw flashes of images of Earth, in Africa, where people were lacking this substance.  What did that feel like?  It’s hard to imagine in a place where there’s more than enough, and when it’s not *really* necessary.  If I just connected directly into *source*, I was completely nourished.

But that’s not what the point of this place was.  Although I still wasn’t incarnated yet, I was already away from home and everything I knew.  I seemed to be the only one of my kind in this place at this time.  I had a group that I had been hanging out with and had been bonding with since we had arrived there, but it feels like it does when you go to summer camp and bond with people. . . you’re still out there on your own and making the best of the situation.

Everyone else there felt like strangers to me.  I didn’t know anyone there really.  I kind of got the feeling that there were a lot of us there like that.  Like each species or world or group had sent representatives. . . and here we were.  This place we were at, was like a substation.  We were acclimating to the frequency and vibrations that were much different and denser than what we were used to.  All of the “food” there was to help us to adjust to the idea of needing to eat, as well as helping us become denser.

I felt rumors or whispers filtering through the halls.  It wasn’t that people were actually talking, it was in the air, and I was able to pick it up.  What I heard snapped me out of my thoughts about the food situation.

“What do you mean we forget?”

I started feeling a pull towards a location.  It felt like a magnet was pulling on me.  Everyone that had been at this substation with me, was also feeling the pull and moving towards a single location.  I found my group I had been bonding with.  They were walking ahead of me, and they seemed taller than me.  I was communicating to them as we followed the pull, saying “Did you hear that we forget?  We’re going to forget?”  I felt mostly curious about it, but something else was creeping into me.

I heard my group kind of murmur and pass the information between them, but nothing more was really said because we were suddenly boarding this train-like vehicle.  I had wanted to sit with my group, but the pull was so strong on everybody, that the seats all around my group were already filled up.  I went further down the train, and almost had a seat. . . but it filled before I actually could get in it.  I was sure I was meant to have a seat, so I just kept moving down until I found one that I got into.

I remember sitting in a seat that reminds me of those booster seats you use for toddlers so that they can reach the table.  Except it was kind of up in the air, so I just kind of leaned into it from a standing position.  I remember the strange thinnish “seatbelts” that you clicked in place over your lap.  I was now staring straight ahead.

I was sitting in-between two people I didn’t know.  I couldn’t stop pondering the implications of what I had just found out.

I’m going to forget.

When we get there, I’m not even going to know that I don’t know these two people next to me.  I’m not going to remember that I got sat far away from my own group.  I’m going to forget that I was even here.  It’s going to be like none of this happened at all.

This felt like new or surprising information to me.  I was wondering how I was supposed to do what I was coming to Earth to do, if I was going to forget who I was.  And why did I find out moments before it was time to come into the Earth realm?  I knew it was on purpose and that everything was setup exactly as it was meant to be. . . but what did this mean?  As I centered myself for my descent into this world, a sadness was starting to creep into me.

My curiosity and need to know and understand things, didn’t know what to expect with this sudden turn of events.  Forgetting, to me, feels like a fate worse than death.  I’m pretty sure it is, as far as the immortal soul is concerned.  I trusted that we all knew what we were doing. . . but I was also feeling a little scared at forgetting my existence prior to my birth.  But the adventurer in me, was open to the new experiences this would bring me.

So I let go, and gave in to the pull that was bringing in the latest group of brave souls coming into Earth as representatives of far larger groups of beings from all over the universe.  There was a call for help, and we had been called back into service.  This wasn’t a joy ride for us, this was a pull from our heart to serve those in great need on Earth at this time.

There was a limited amount of space open (bodies in which we were able to incarnate into) and the response to the call was so great, that each group was limited to the number of representatives that they could send.  However, each group’s unique energies and strengths are desperately needed, which means every single person matters a great deal and carries a large burden of responsibility.

Each of us matter.  And we are not alone.  We carry the hope, love, and wisdom from those all over the universe who came in response to Earth’s call for help.  And they have been watching over us all along, making sure that we’re okay. . . especially when we’re suffering.

If you are here at this time. . . you are brave beyond comprehension.  You love with a heart unmatched.  Just being here is itself an act of unconditional love.  You were thought of highly enough, that you were chosen out of trillions. . . to come be here at this time.  Here, you may feel like you’re just one of 7 billion lost souls. . . but from the perspective of the universe. . . you are the Elite.  The best of the best.  The most loving of the loved.  You are a brilliant, blazing, supernova of light.  A fiery golden light of glory.

But you just forgot.

The Story Teller

Today the crows came squawking at my window like an alarm clock.  I figured I’d better get up so they would be quiet, because that made complete sense in my half sleep state.

But it worked, the minute I slipped out of bed. . . off they went, to go wake up the next person on their list.

I’ve been thinking of my dad a lot recently.  We’ve not really been in contact a whole lot these last years.  I’ve been nose to the grindstone in pulling myself apart, cleaning off the pieces, and then carefully trying to reassemble them back into a whole. . . so I’ve not had a whole lot of contact with anyone really.

A couple of days ago, I was reminiscing about the cartoon characters my dad draws.  He has his very own unique style of drawing that I just adore.  They are almost like caricatures, in that they are so expressive of the character’s personality.  I miss those.  I loved them when I was younger, but I didn’t have enough life experience or understanding to truly appreciate them like I do now.  I didn’t understand how much they told about the man who drew them.

Yesterday, however, I was remembering my favorite thing of all about my dad.  See, he loves to read.  Not something you’d necessarily expect from a man born and raised in the humble Appalachians, but boy am I thankful he does because they led to the most memorable things from my childhood.

He would read books by authors such as Stephen King,Terry Brooks and Robert McCammon.  Usually a mix of mystery, paranormal, horror, and far off worlds.  But the best part, was when I’d ask him what the book was about that he was reading.  He didn’t just give me a two sentence summary, or read the book jacket. . . no.  I could rest assure that I was about to be propelled into another world entirely.

He would set the scene and the characters.  He would retell the story in a way that would give any of those authors a run for their money.  The world around us would dim and disappear, putting us into a magic bubble that would whisk us away to observe the story being told firsthand.  Between his ability to weave a good tale and my vivid imagination, I got to explore more rooms of the universe than is probably even fair.

His eyes would sparkle.  He seemed like a magical character himself, as if being the story teller was only a humble disguise he used to keep everyone from finding out who he really was.  And that he was really from one of those other worlds, but he couldn’t come out and say it because people here wouldn’t believe him, so he masked it in stories.  Or maybe he was in hiding from one of the dark characters in the story, and being in a world that had forgotten that magic was real, was the perfect place to hide.  It always felt like he knew so much more than he ever said.

He always made me think of the bards of old.  The genuine, skilled, talented, and oh so loved Story Teller.  He seems almost out of place in this world.  There are books, TV, movies, internet. . . more ways than ever to tell a story.  But.  When was the last time you sat down in person with a truly gifted story teller, and listened to them spin a tale?  Hearing the different intonations of their voice, and feeling the chills of the pivotal moments in the story.  Eyes glued to the person, but feeling like you are actually in the story with them.  Having a spell weaved around you, that will make you believe in the impossible and the unseen again.  You’ll know without a doubt that there is more than meets the eye in the world you live in.

A true Story Teller, speaks with their Heart.  Is full of Life and Passion.  They have Hope.  They still Believe.  They feel deeply.  They are dramatic and subtle all at the same time.  They don’t just tell a story, they embody it.  They draw your focus to the story and not them.  They are merely the messengers of something bigger that wants to be shared.  They have to feel in big and multi-faceted ways and be flexible enough to move into whichever one is needing expression at that moment in order to do the story any justice.  They have to get out of their own way.

Ironically, it was when my dad was telling these stories, that the real him would shine through the most.

My dad is also the one who first introduced me to computers back in the Tandy 1000 days, which plays a large part in why I’m in the field I’m in today.  I blame him for my love of Excel Spreadsheets.  ; )

But, nothing he did will ever mean more to me, or have played a bigger part in helping to shape the person I am today, than the time he spent in response to my question, “What is that book about?”

My dad

In Love With Life Itself

I’m kind of digging the current energy.  Or maybe it’s just the new music I downloaded.

Or probably because my fiancée has come in from The Netherlands for a few months, and I’m in hog heaven.

Isn’t it interesting how when you’re in the throes of being in love the world glows beautiful and you sing right through the irritations of life, with a shoulder shrug and raised eyebrows of compassionate understanding?

Or maybe that’s just me.

But I have wondered how my  whole world can change from a feeling.  What is going on when you first fall in love, that isn’t going on during the rest of your life?  Are we only meant to have those few brief encounters during life where we open up to life so much that we connect into the feeling of Divinity?

Because to me . . . it feels how I think Life *should* feel.  I feel it should be the Rule, not the exception.

I tried it as an experiment once.  Back when I was still single. . . and had been for quite some time. . . I wanted to know if I could induce that feeling of first being in love.  I guess it could be called method acting for my own role in Life.  I recalled the times I had felt that kind of love, and enveloped myself into those feelings.

It was a little tricky at first, because usually there is a person who is the focus of your affections and who sends you into those great feelings that light up your whole world.  I didn’t have that, so I had to get creative.  I decided to try being in love with myself in that way.  Like I had just rocked my own world.  : D  (Ha!)

It felt a little awkward, and I think I would’ve died a million deaths from embarrassment had anyone found out what I was doing at the time.  I put my stubbornness, curiosity, and will power to good use.  I closed my eyes and went into my imagination and spun a world of pretend so elaborate and real, I would’ve made my Kindergarten teacher proud.

First, I pretended that it wasn’t weird that I was doing it in the first place.  Kind of like starting with a clean state.  And then I pretended that, even though I didn’t know the details of this exciting moment in my life, I had just met the most wonderful person in my life.  They made my heart flutter.  Being with this person made everything feel okay.  I was able to be completely myself and this person thought it was AWESOME.

After an embarrassingly long time of this part of the pretend, I moved the focus into the exciting discovery, that this amazing person. . . was Me!  Yay!  Who knew?!

And then I felt the *pulse* in my heart.  I felt the skip that the heart skips when your beloved comes to mind.  I had a moment of teary-eyed wonderment of being In Love.  I felt my being open up, like I was unfolding wings to take flight.  My perception of the world widened from it’s tight focus inside of me, to encompassing the entire World.

It was marvelous.

As soon as I knew it was even possible to experience this while still single, I was sent into a frenzy of possibilities.  I was pretty sure I had stumbled across the Fountain of Youth.

Something magical happened, when I tried to sustain it for longer and longer periods of time.  A shift happened, that went from focusing on me being in love with me. . . to me being in Love with Life.  That very same feeling of first being love. . . except it was with everything surrounding me.  Where ever I walked, whatever I was doing, I felt incredible love and appreciation for all of it.

The highs in life, the lows, it was all beautiful.  Everyone in my view was beautiful, both in their sorrow and in their happiness and everything in-between.  I wished the best for everyone I passed on the street.  I could feel the eternal song I feel coming from my heart, flowing outwards to everything in my world.

I felt strong enough to handle anything.  I felt protected and loved.  I felt like everything was going to be just fine for all of us, no matter what happens.  I felt such love and understanding for everyone’s struggle in life, and even proud of all of us for continuing on despite the challenges and heartbreak we’ve all experienced at one time or another.

So many strong and beautiful people everywhere I looked.  I wanted to sing out loud, a heartfelt song to each and every person. . . letting them know that they aren’t alone. . . that it’s all going to be okay. . . that they are loved. . . that they are so beautiful in the eyes of the Divine.

The current energy feels very supportive of this way of being.  If I allow it to settle deep into me, I feel so sentimental, supportive, loving, nurturing, understanding.  I feel open joy at being in this world with you guys, and experiencing all the crazy things we get to experience together.  And later, after it’s all done. . . . we’ll think back on these times and laugh and laugh and laugh. . . whew!  {Big Deep Sigh} Good times, good times.

Multi colored sky

Be As Ridiculous As Possible. You Just Might Save the World.

I have no idea where this post is going.  All I know is I need to write.

And I want to be more spontaneous today.  Loosen up some stiff, stuck, restricted, tightened energy.

I feel such a strange mixture of feelings trying to exist in me at the same time.  But when I’m able to let it happen. . . W o W . . . it’s great!

It’s a deep comfy, peaceful, loving feeling for myself, my family, and everyone surrounding me. . . mixed with a sunshiney dramatic epicness that lives out in a life-size musical ever playing out in my head that pushes me to sing out loud and dance where ever I am.

I can even see how this shows in my natal chart, and even had me laughing at myself this morning when it hit me *why* I feel this weird mixture. . . and that it relates to a need for mastering these paradoxical energies.  I say paradoxical, because one is a mix of energies that are about being at home, mothering, nurturing, intimacy, family, being quiet and still.  The other mix of energies is more of being out and about and connecting with people and communicating my little heart out!

Within my body, the deep still energy is felt from the waist down. . . and the sunshiney energy is felt from my waist up.  When I’m feeling things deeply. . . it tends to shut a gate to my sunshiney part and I’m unable to be social.  When I’m being sunshiney and social, the gate to the other side of me gets shut and I’m not able to feel my deeper feelings.  I am aware of them. . . but more like memories of them, I don’t *feel* them within myself.

I have, have, HAVE to be able to flow between the two at will.  Or aka. . . master the reconciliation of these seemingly incompatible energies, before I feel whole.

And it feels so close! I know when I’ve managed an open flow between the two, because I simultaneously light up like a supernova and *also* feel such immense love and care for everyone and everything, that I nearly burst into song and cry at the same time.

And it feels so GOOD.  Just like I wrote in my When You Believe post, when I went into a *moment* in a reply to a comment.  It wasn’t the comment that was so important to me. . . it was the space and state of mind that I had been in during that moment that was just so incredible to me.

Ever trying to refine myself,  I’m trying to understand what’s going on in that state . . . but without trying to analyze and pick it apart.  So I guess just sensing and feeling out the flowing of feelings that seem to move me into that space, while simultaneously try to “let go” of trying to control any of the process. (It again makes me think of trying to walk a tight rope across the grand canyon.)

Each insight I get helps to add to my foundation to stay in that place longer.

Today’s insight:

Allow space to feel and be dramatic – quit worrying about what other people think of you when you’re being like this!

This feels really good to me today.  AND it touches (yet again) on that child-like feeling that I have also said feels like “I believe again”.  Surprise, surprise.  It’s the same energy. . . It’s called Leo energy.  Leo is ruled by the Sun (and 5th house).  Leo loves (NEEDS) attention.  It’s like Oxygen to him.  Leo is also our eternal inner child.  Leo is *also* our creative energy.  It’s where and how we play.

The planet, Saturn, is very serious, structured, disciplined, taskmaster, life teacher. . . is one of Astrology’s least favorite planets because where ever he is in your chart, is where you are going to have to work hard to achieve results. . . but when you do, and you’ve earned your degree in Saturn-ville. . . you are greatly rewarded.  It can show in your life as a fear, as a weakness, guilt, sorrow, etc.

I have Saturn . . . in Leo. . . in my 5th house.  I have to work hard at learning how to play and have fun.

Laugh allllll you want.  I’ve already heard it all from my fellow astrologers.  “Oh. . . you poor dear, you have to figure out how to have fun and be creative.”

Well, it’s been no picnic.

I try to maintain control of myself.  Where Leo LOVES the spotlight, I HATE the spotlight.  Get that damn thing out of my face!  A couple years back, if a room were to suddenly all bring their attention to me . . . I became a deer caught in the headlights. . . I would just freeze.  ARRRRRRGGGHHHHH! Look away!  Look away!

That’s just one example of how a Saturn in Leo and/or 5th house can show up in life.  And because of this fear of being noticed, seen, etc. it stifles my creativity and ability to have fun while people have their attention on me.  Imagine every time you’re in someone’s presence, all of your warmth, creative ability, and feeling of “fun” got sucked away like a black hole had just come upon you.  (Btw. . . this isn’t all of Saturn’s influence. . . there are many other things at play in my chart that result in this.)  In that situation, the whole “you have to figure out how to have fun and be creative ANYWAYS and despite that” becomes a less fun challenge.

My first step in trying to overcome it was. . . . BREATHE!

I realized that what I did subconsciously whenever someone came around me, was I held my breath.  That’s really going contrary to what I’m really wanting to do. . . which is LIVE.

(Quick astrology side note: My Sun sign (Sun is *ruled* by Leo) is Gemini.  Saturn being in Leo. . . affects my Sun because of the Sun/Leo connection.  So Saturn ALSO restricts my Sun.  Gemini rules the lungs (and hands) and is an air sign.  So this is a real life example of how our natal charts play out in our regular lives.  Someone pays attention to me (Leo energy), I become afraid (Saturn), and then I stop breathing (Gemini).  A great remedy to this . . . is to remember to keep breathing even when someone is paying attention to me.)

But back to present time.  Being dramatic, epic, larger than life! . . . is Leo!!  And the fact that I’m able to feel AND express that energy. . . means I’ve taken Saturn up on his challenge and I’ve been working really hard at my life lesson.  That alone is something to celebrate!

So, anyways. . . back to the insight, the feeling from childhood I’ve started to regain, the “I believe again” energy. . . here’s the added layer I felt today:

Really get into those feelings, and overemphasize them. . . just like actors have to when on stage in order to convey their feelings to the audience.  It’s a weird place for me to be. . . BUT I *do* remember being and feeling that when I was younger and when I played.  It feels STUPENDOUS to me.

Like when a song would come on the radio and it was my FAVORITE and I’d grab something to hold like a microphone and my imagination had already supplied the audience for me and I was the BEST performer they had EVER, EVER seen and I was working that stage and song with every bit of my being.  No shyness, shame, guilt, self consciousness or whatever.  I wasn’t sorry for how I was.  I was just BEING with all my . . . uh. . . being.  I wasn’t thinking I can’t sing in tune, or that I looked ridiculous. . . I was thinking “I am ALIVE”!!!

And that is Leo energy.  Being vibrantly, unapologetically Alive.  Roaring like a Lion.  Being filled and exuding life and light.  Warmth.  Love.  Fully open to Life and everything it can throw your way.

And really. . . when you think about it. . . Life *is* dramatic.  We are here playing parts and pretending to be things that we are not.  That’s being pretty damn dramatic if you ask me.

“Oh, look at me, I’m a miserable nobody!”  (<—-me being very dramatic about something that I’m NOT.)

That’s dumb.  And that’s not who I really am.

So many times, when somebody does something with ALL of their Heart (<—-is also ruled by Leo) and put their whole body, face, and energy into it (singing like you’re on broadway) you get made fun of or mocked.  It becomes a “who do you think you are” situation.  You get shut down.  But why?  And why do we let that stop us from being like that?  Is it because people think that *we* think we’re better than they are?  Or does it make them uncomfortable (I really don’t know the answer, just throwing possibilities out there).  It doesn’t need to be like that.  That is the fun inner child coming out to play!  Instead of mocking. . . how about we just join in!!!

We take it so damn serious.  O.O

Me included.  Or me especially, I should say.  Saturn in Leo in the 5th has shown up as me being a pretty serious person.  All work and no play.  And that’s dumb, too.  Because I have an ENORMOUS inner child who has been rattling her prison bars, ROARING to be let out!  (She’s throwing a good old fashion Leo temper tantrum.)

I wanted to try out this idea, of being over the top dramatic, to see if it did in fact make me feel better.  So I put on my dramatic (yet contemplative. . . because I don’t want to just shine. . . I want to feel too) playlist and said. . .

“Ok, Jenn.  Here’s the scene.  You’ve just been cast as the “Dramatic Deep Feeling Diva”, and although prior to now you’ve played the meek, small, insignificant nobody. . . you have to transform into the Diva in order to save . . . The World. “

{gasp}  O.O

“And in order to do that, you have to be as open and expressive as possible.  If you don’t open full throttle. . . *they* will know.  I mean you have to just be completely ridiculous.  If you don’t completely embarrass yourself in how over the top you are being. . . we are all. going. to. die!”

{gulp}

Well. . . I don’t want to let anyone down so . . . cue dramatic feeling song.

And I just gave into it, like I did when I was 9.  (If you’re curious, the song that came on was Frozen by Madonna. . . I’ll see if I can find a youtube video to add).

I went nuts into it.  Eyes closed, open heart, freakishly contorted face, whole body getting into it and expressing it. . . just leaning and feeling my way into the song.  And thinking, “Oh yeah, I’m being so ridiculous. . . I’m totally saving the world.”

It.felt.so.good.  Big Sigh of relief.  Oh man. . . I had no idea how much I missed being so ridiculous.  I love it.  I really, really love it.  It makes my heart sing, it makes me feel alive, satisfied, content, warm, loving, open-hearted. . . just everything.  It connects me to my Whole Self.

But do you know what would make it even better?  You!!  Being ridiculous by myself is pretty great, I have to admit. . . but OMG. . . if there was more than one of us being ridiculous together?!

Well. . . together, we just might save the world.

= D