Expressing the Inexpressible

Imagine yourself very still.  Your breathing very slow and stable.  For whatever reason, for this moment you’re able to suspend your stress and worries.  You take a deep, satisfying breath.  You aren’t thinking about what you should be doing.  You are fully surrendered to this moment and the feelings.  You are so still, that your body is able to release any tension it’s holding. . . it is also able to surrender, because it recognizes that it is in a safe space and doesn’t need to be ready to protect or defend the body. . . it can let go.

In this space, of complete quiet and stillness, another feeling begins to surface.  One that seems very familiar. . . but that you haven’t felt in so long that you almost mistake it for anxiety.  You keep expanding the space of your awareness to make room for this feeling.

You find that it is in fact, something you stuffed down a long time ago in order to survive.  It’s a warmth. . . it’s a joy. . . it’s a feeling at the most sensitive and subtle levels.  You are almost scared to let it through, because you know how hard it is to be in this energy and in the “real” world.  But you miss it so much, that you indulge yourself, even if just for a few minutes. . . just so you can feel it again.  It feels like home.

So you surrender to it, accepting any consequences that come with feeling it.  It starts to fill you up.  You’re having to be very brave and open, even as you feel scared and want to tighten and close yourself up to protect yourself.  But as you pull off this little miracle and experience it for the first time in a long time, you remember it.  And you understand why it was necessary to push it away earlier in your life.

Every sense is so magnified and  intensely felt. . . that the smallest movement. . . the most subtle of gestures. . . . sends waves of sensations rippling through you and outward beyond the physical you.  If you move too fast or too strongly. . . your system and senses go into overload and everything “blanks” out or goes numb.

You remember that it’s not that you don’t feel anything. . . it’s that you feel so incredibly much, that you are regularly in overload. . . and have come to believe that *that* is how you are.  But it’s not true at all.

Your true way of being is such, that the smallest of things can bring you the most immense amount of pleasure and feeling.  But if you move too much, too fast, too strongly. . . you go into overload and are unable to feel anything.

But when you are in that space. . . you would be able to sit next to your beloved. . . in a still and quiet environment. . . within inches of each other and not touching.  And ever so slowly moving. . . as if neither of you are moving. . . towards each other.  All you intend, is to just kiss. . . to just simply touch lips.  That is all.  But from this still space where you are tuned into yourself and feeling every little thing. . . in those minutes that tick by as you both slowly lean and move towards each other. . . is the most intense and insane pleasure you have ever felt.  You feel like your nervous system almost can’t handle the energy surging through you.  You have no wish to rush it, because any sense of pushing, controlling, or rushing the movement. . . is to pull you completely out of the feeling and into numbness.  And you don’t ever, ever want to be out of that feeling.

So you discipline yourself.  You continue to stay open to it, while breathing very slowly and staying focused in that quiet space so as not to break the spell.  You trust that your partner is doing the same for themself, and by both doing so. . . you harmonize your energies and become in sync. . . so you’re able to fully trust and surrender to the experience.  You move into a space outside of time.  Have you been doing this for 5 minutes?  15 minutes?  An hour?  Eternity?  Who knows.  Who cares.  Because it’s all you care about in that moment.

As you get closer, you have to move even slower and become even more disciplined in your stillness and breathing because the intensity has become almost more than you can endure.  So the timelessness and heavenly bliss that is coursing through every inch of your being and beyond, continues as you both hover within a breath of each other’s lips. . . almost afraid that you won’t be able to handle what happens when you finally actually touch.  The energy and anticipation building.  Eyes closed so you can maintain focus, your lips finally touch . . . and you feel like your heart is about to explode out of your chest and like you’re going to start bawling and crying at the sheer beauty of the moment.    The beauty, intensity, transcendence of the feeling . . . is beyond anything you’ve ever experienced while in body.

And you know and remember, that *this* is your true way of being and feeling.

But then you step outside, and your senses are bombarded by the pollutions and noise. . . cars and airplanes sound like they’re within inches of you and screeching at top volume.  Even the sound of the electrical wires are buzzing too loudly.  Someone yells across to a neighbor down the road, and it feels like a metal rake being scraped down your skin.  Honking, clanging, yelling . . . everything feels like a personal assault on your person.

Your whole body tenses trying to protect you, as your nervous system goes into overload and suddenly you don’t feel anything.  You can’t feel the good anymore.  You feel cold and cutoff from yourself.  You feel irritable, frustrated, angry, confused.

Someone asks you what is wrong.  You want to tell them. . . but you communicate from that sensitive space. . . the one where you are connected into everything and sense every little subtle movement in energy and intuitively understand what is being communicated. . . and with your senses being assaulted and shut down. . . you are unable to voice what is going on within you.  You don’t know how to express the magnitude of what is happening inside of you.  There are no words to describe it.  So maybe you say something like, “I feel scared” or “I feel overwhelmed” or “I feel numb” . . . but all of those things are far from what is really going on.

And the person may respond, “Yeah, well we all feel that.” or   “You have to get over it.” or “You aren’t the only one.”

And not knowing, that the other person doesn’t experience or feel the world like you do, you take it out on yourself.   “Wow… I must really be a big baby.  What is wrong with me?  Why can’t I handle things like everyone else….”

This is how every single day of life has been for me.

I don’t speak in monotone because I’m not feeling things or because I’m robot like. . . but because I feel so IMMENSELY . . . the *only* way I know how to communicate without breaking down into a slobbery, snot everywhere, ugly crying face way. . . is to be very, very disciplined.  And this requires me to speak in a straight monotone way in order to keep it all under control.

I’m not stiff and rigid in my bearing because I’m an emotionless bitch, but because I have so MUCH that wants to burst out of me.  Dance, movement, swaying, hopping, skipping, swinging, twirling.  I’m sooooo not kidding when I say I wish real life was like a musical.  I feel like I could sing and dance to everything I do in life.

But do you know how *crazy* that looks?  I already feel like I’m on the outskirts of society. . . I haven’t quite been brave enough to jump head first off the last cliff that keeps me somewhere in the tolerable zone.

But I wanna.  I wanna dance and skip and sing out loud and out of tune.  I truly have a song constantly singing in my heart and it takes everything I have to not continually express that in my everyday life.  I don’t want to hide it anymore. . . but I don’t know *how* to be like that out in the world and my everyday life. . . and be able to withstand the rejection from others.  Because I can feel it.  I’m trying to be strong enough to do it anyways.

Because being me, how I am naturally. . . there’s nothing like it in the whole wide world.  It feels like I just won the lottery every minute of every day when I am able to be like this.  So I have high motivation.  But. . . my sensitive nervous system. . . arrrgghhhhhhh!!

Deep breath.

So. . . if you happen to see some silly woman on the street. . . swaying and dancing to a song that only she hears. . . try to find it in your heart to withhold judgment and maybe even smile at her, so she knows she is supported by at least one person.  And hell, if you’re feeling extra rebellious. . . join her for a moment in her dance.  And make it the new normal.

: D

A Little Disclosure

Have you been feeling dizzy, disoriented, foggy-brained, confused, worsening memory, vertigo, congestion, sometimes sick to your stomach?  Have you been feeling more and more tired, lethargic, increasing irritability, anger, frustration?  Do you go through periods where you feel like you’re “de-toxing” and trying to clear something out of your system, and for those tuned into your body. . . have your kidneys (sides, & back) been giving you more and more problems? Do you have increased anxiety, apathy, possibly even depression?

Have you had increasingly strange dreams or nightmares?  A sense of *something* going on, but you don’t know what?

Have you wondered why all the sinkholes, large booms, strange sounds heard around the world?  Why the seasons are all mixed up, and why it’s cold one day and warm another?  Why the trees  bloom at the wrong times, and then shortly afterwards. . . the leaves begin to dry up and some even turn a reddish color?

Why the birds migratory patterns are all off.  Why the weather becomes increasingly erratic and extreme?  Electronics misbehaving?  Why more and more people seem to be losing their minds, and an increase in suicide and suicide attempts?  Riots and protests?  Volcanoes, earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes, flooding. . . Mass animal deaths.  Did I mention Illnesses?

Increased UFO sightings.  Meteorites.  Landslides.  Bridges and overpasses collapsing.  Trains derailing.  Winds blowing globally.  Strange clouds.  Geomagnetic storms for no known reason (with no solar flares with resulting CMEs or solar winds from a coronal hole).

And, it’s not just Earth experiencing great changes and upheavals. . . so are the other planets in our solar system.

Before I continue with what I feel is happening.  Let me give you some more idea of where I’m coming from.

My whole life, I’ve had dreams and visions.  Increasingly lucid over the years.  Many years were spent deciphering and distinguishing the subtle energies of them.  The discipline I put into that, carried over into my waking life.  It had to, because there were times many years ago when I had a difficult time distinguishing between awake and sleep.  Did it make me feel crazy? Yes.  Did I let that stop me from understanding it? Not at all.

I watched, observed, took notes, contemplated, gathered more information.  I suspended judgment until a clearer picture began to form.  This is how I’ve learned and grown over the years, and how I’ve overcome the many pitfalls of being super sensitive.  A very scientific approach. . . except, unlike many scientists of today, I didn’t dismiss findings that didn’t fit my current world view.  I allowed for things I didn’t know or understand to make their way into my awareness.

In my waking life, I did the same thing I did with my dreams.  I observed, took notes, researched, etc.  I often stare at the sky.  I sit for hours watching the trees in deep communion.  Watching and listening to the birds and other critters.  Always looking for patterns, cycles, insight.  I’ve only ever spent this life trying to understand it.

In the last couple of years, the two worlds within me began to merge.  The world of spirit and dreams and the waking, real life world.  My time has been spent on weaving the connection between these two worlds and how they interface with each other.  I now see the spirit that runs through and connects everything, as well as the actions/reactions that it causes in our physical waking world.  I am now consciously aware of both worlds at all times.

There’s much more to it than that.  But, hopefully this gives you better context of how I operate and where the things I say come from.

When spiritually inclined people say, “We are all one”, I feel it’s a little bit misunderstood.  I see it more as, “We are all connected”.  We are individuals who connect to make a whole.

But to get back on topic. . . the things that have been happening increasingly in our world.  If you look at just isolated events, it doesn’t make much sense.  But take all of those events in as a whole, and you start to see a bigger picture emerge.  Same concept. . . individual cells making up a bigger body.  (The macro and micro. . . as above, so below. . . this concept repeats itself over and over.)

All of the things we are witnessing today, are connected to a bigger story.  If you don’t know how something is connected. . . you are simply missing pieces of the puzzle that help connect one thing to another.

My understanding of what’s going on is continually updating as I gather additional information.  It’s a very fluid and dynamic ongoing thing.  But I do feel that I have enough pieces to understand the emerging picture, and as of last night, it started feeling for the first time in my life, that it was time to start sharing what I’m seeing.

What I’m currently seeing, is that we’re fast approaching a pole shift that is being brought on by a body or object moving through our solar system.  I don’t know what it is, and I don’t know when.  But I feel strongly enough about it, that I’m willing to put myself out there and be ridiculed and thought crazy.

I don’t take what I’m saying lightly.

Many, many, many myths & legends, religions, etc. speak of things that we’re seeing right now.  And I don’t feel it’s necessarily because they were trying to be prophetic, but because they were describing something they lived through themselves and that it was something that was cyclical and they were trying to pass the information on to future generations as best as they could.

I do not believe it’s about punishment.  I don’t think any of us need to be beating ourselves up for not having been “better” people to have prevented this from happening.  As I wrote about in another post about facing and embracing your shadows, I feel that idea applies here as well.

In older traditions, the ones who had to walk the path through trials and darkness, were the initiates.  The shamans.  The ones who walked between the worlds.  Humanity, as a group of individuals, are all being pushed onto this path during this time.  The difference is, in the past, the initiates had to walk the path alone.  As a group, we can choose to walk it together.  But first, we have to admit to ourselves that we’re on it.

Many, many tough things are brought to the surface when faced by global calamity.  What happens after death?  What is real and what isn’t?  What really matters?  Am I at peace with myself and my life, and if not. . . how do I get there?  Do I let people know that I love them?  Am I kind to myself?  Am I kind to others?

The point of being on this path, isn’t to try and *beat* death.  It’s to get real.  To become who you really are underneath all the trivial things we’ve used to cover up.  To get in touch with what you really feel, and what you value.  To become aware of the spiritual, or eternal part of yourself.

That’s why I emphasize feelings and heart at this time, because it becomes your new anchor during times of upheaval and unsureness.  If you only believe in the physical world and only what your 5 senses tell you. . . this time we are living in is going to be one that drives you to madness.  Your heart and feelings are your inner guidance that you need to use to navigate these times.  It is not the time to hide behind lies and bullshit.

And when you find the courage to open your heart and to your own truth inside of you, you will also. . . in your own way, feel peace and connection to others.  And you’ll know that death is not the end by any means.  We are, and always will be connected to each other.  We will always see each other again.  We are never truly alone.

From this space, you will know with sureness of what you need to do.  Whether you are someone who needs to stock up on things, or go to the mountains (and not from a sheer animalistic instinct to survive, but because you are meant to be one who survives and carries on), or if you should just be spending this time making amends and living true and helping others who are going to become increasingly scared.

For myself, I do not feel a need to do anything other than what I’m doing.  And that is to communicate out to others what I know.  My dreams, visions, and inner guidance have not pointed towards me putting forth effort to try and survive.  Not that I won’t, but that my path is more towards communicating and comforting.  I know when the time comes, I will be connected, and I will know exactly what I need to do.

We each have our roles.  Each individual doesn’t need to be able to do everything.  Just what they are meant to do.  And that also means that we will need each other.  I will never be someone who is good at storing food goods and the logistics of that type of thing. . . but I am able to see the signs, give guidance, and help lead.   So my survival may depend on the kindness of others who are good at the logistics of lodging and food, etc.  Do you see what I mean?

Individuals within a collective.  If we’re focused on sheer survival and this is mine and I will shoot you if you get close. . . then we will all suffer.  But if we’re at peace within ourselves and whatever happens. . . then we become capable of holding the space and joining together our resources and the special talents and skills that we each bring to the table.

The All affects the One, and the One affects the All.

Take this information, and do with it what you like.  Take it or leave it, it’s okay with me.  I’m not looking for support or for others to agree with me.  I am just following my own inner guidance to share for better or for worse.

I will most likely continue sharing things from here on out.  It feels like it’s a part of a role I agreed to.  It comes from my heart, and not for gain.

Take good care of yourselves and each other.

Goddamn Poster Child for Asperger’s

This is not going to be PC by any stretch of the imagination.

WHY?!  Did NO ONE ever bother to mention to me that I was the goddamn poster child for Asperger’s?

Of course, there was my counselor many years back who seemed to like to mention how there’s a high proportion of people with Asperger’s who work in the computer field.  Which I thought was an odd thing to keep bringing up in the middle of our session.

And then there *were* mentions that others in my family seemed to display characteristics of Asperger’s. . . but they weren’t talking about me, so?

So why didn’t I know?  Oh, yeah.  That’s right.  Because I don’t get what people mean when they’re being indirect or talking around something!  Jiminy Christmas!

Everyone, you have my permission to be very direct and blunt with me.  Just say what is on your goddamn mind and don’t try to drop subtle hints.  I’m *not* going to get that you’re trying to tell me that I smell bad, when you’re talking about how your great Aunt Agnes smells because she doesn’t take enough baths.  I’m going to assume you’re talking about it, because it really bothers you.  Or because you’re really weird.  (Btw, this is not a real life example.  I smell pretty.)

Anyways.

I just thought my issues were because I’m a Gemini Sun conjunct Gemini Jupiter.  Or because it was the end times, and I was ascending.  But who knows.  Maybe they’re all correct.

Just in case you’re like me, and people have been dropping hints because they don’t want to *offend*, but you are still unawares. . . below is a link to a site that I really liked because it’s not the stereotypical descriptions that make no goddamn sense to me (I may need to check for Tourette’s as well) because the reasons given for *why* people with Asperger’s or Autism do what they do, sound like made up or projected bullshit that someone who doesn’t have it would say.

If you’re not offended yet, keep reading.

Here’s the link I’ll be using as my reference for symptoms:  http://taniaannmarshall.wordpress.com/2013/03/26/moving-towards-a-female-profile-the-unique-characteristics-abilities-and-talents-of-asperwomen-adult-women-with-asperger-syndrome/ .  This is more specifically for women who have it, so guys. . . it may not speak to you.  It may not even speak to the women.  I don’t know.  All I know is it speaks to me.

Moving along.

I was going to list the ones that I resonated with. . . but it got a little ridiculous.  Many that I didn’t list, I used to have and they nearly crushed the life out of me. . . but after having put in some serious hard work over the years to overcome them or at least better understand them, I’ve improved a great deal  So, don’t let my current badass self fool you.

May find great difficulty attending/participating in staff meetings, lunch breaks, work social event

OMG.  I have not found the secret or the trick yet to managing this one.  I push myself as much as I can. . . but some days, it’s just not going to happen.

May get stressed if have a lot of work to do in a short amount of time

May become frustrated/stressed if asked to do too many things at once

I have definitely made hardcore progress on this.  But I cannot sustain it indefinitely.  If things don’t get back to normal within a reasonable time, I start going to hell in a handbasket.  I totally did it this last winter at work.  3 Months too long.  I am still recovering.  That was such a dumb move on my part.

Tries very hard to avoid making mistakes, forgetting things

I write and keep lists all over the damn place.  I had gotten really good at being on top of all of my responsibilities. . . but I still stumble and fall periodically and it’s a bitch trying to get myself back in balance.

May have to withdraw, isolate herself or other when overwhelmed by her senses

This is one reason for Jenn’s great disappearing acts from friends.

Has great difficulty asserting herself, asking for help, setting boundaries

Yup.  This has been my main focus in understanding and learning how to do in real life for at least the past two years.

May say “yes” to social events, then later make up an excuse as to why she cannot attend, often staying home in solitude

AKA – Being flakey.  I got sick of being called flakey.  So now I just say no to everything.  Actually, the invites just stopped coming. : )

May offend others by saying what she is thinking, even if she does not mean to

Here’s part of what I was talking about in my post about having a hard time expressing myself without having great opposition from others.

Unusual voice (flat, monotone, high-pitched, child-like)

The first time I was told I tend to speak in a monotone,  I didn’t know what the f#@! they were talking about.  I actually went and listened to my own voicemail several times to try and comprehend how I spoke, sounded different from how others speak.  So I try to be conscious of my tendency to do that and add some *life* to my voice.  But then I just come across sounding like Japanese Anime.

May talk too loudly or too softly, often unaware that she is doing so

“Mom, you’re talking really loud!” or “I’m sorry, Ma’am, I can’t hear what you just said” (which is followed by my Big Girl voice because then I’m upset)

Often surprised when people tell her she has been rude or inappropriate

Not just surprised, but my goddamn feelings are hurt too.

Highly sensitivity, may not be able to listen to or watch the news, violent shows/movies or horror movies, hurt or injured animals, abuse, war, trauma, sensitive to the emotions and “emotional atmosphere” of the environment, referred emotion and psychic “6th sense” abilities, may have strong intuitive and/or psychic abilities

Yes, please. I was highly advised by my counselor when I was 17 to avoid all news.  He got sick of spending the sessions with me crying about something I heard on the news and trying to talk me down off a ledge.

May not be able to tolerate sounds, sights, smells, textures, movement that she dislikes

I have to have special lights in the workplace.  I have a really strong physical reaction to fluorescent lights (and anything 60 Hz flicker rate in general. . . including computer monitors, etc.)  I have noise cancelling headphones so I don’t come unhinged when the noise levels go up.  If someone decides to throw their cigarette butt in my trash can, I have to remove the entire bag and throw it away in another room completely… otherwise I’m distracted by it and can’t focus on work.  I take scissors to anything in my clothing that rubs or scratches me in the wrong way.

What I’m trying to say. . . is that a great deal of my energy in a day goes into just trying to minimize the impact my environment has on me.  Let alone exceling or thriving.  Sensitivity has enormous gifts, but it also brings a hell that few can appreciate or understand.  I *am* able to build up a tolerance for a short time.  So, as long as I get plenty of rest on a regular basis, drink plenty of water, take my vitamins, etc. I can manage through a day for the most part without coming apart.

May have auditory processing issues

There’s a reason I don’t like talking on phones and it’s not because I’m being difficult.  It’s because I have a delay in processing information, and it’s super-emphasized when on the phone.  When someone speaks to me, I tend to echo or repeat it in my head before it fully settles in what was said.  When in person, watching the person speak seems to help me.  On the phone, I can’t see them. . . and more than once I’ve sat on the phone in tears because of frustration with myself.  I have to hyper-focus in order to not have the person repeat what they’ve said multiple times. . . and then the stress of the difficulty causes me to just start getting disoriented and I lose all comprehension abilities.  Email has changed and saved my life.

She may make it a high priority to arrange her life, events, work, and environment to avoid overwhelming, stressful or upsetting situations

If I want to continue to be capable of functioning enough so I can work and providing for my family, I really don’t see what choice I have but to make it a priority.

Feels things deeply, Other people’s moods affect her, especially if they are negative, Tends to be very sensitive to emotional pain, Lives with continual generalized anxiety, bouts of depression that creep up on her,  Difficulty regulating emotions and managing stress

This all feels the same to me (like a big ball of sensitive mess) so I grouped them together.  I have truly, truly made huge strides in this arena in my life.  Thank god.

Naive, honest (often too honest), Emotionally too honest (inability or difficulty hiding true feelings when it would be more socially acceptable to do so)

I’ve tried to be otherwise. . . and it feels like I’m choking myself to death.  So.

A natural born leader, independent, strong-willed, determined and can be highly competitive

Well, WTF?  All of that hot mess listed above. . . but a great leader.  Yes, if I can stop crying into my cheerios long enough, because I can still smell the cat litter even though I just cleaned it. . . then count me in.

Generally lack a strong sense of self, self-esteem and/or identity. May use chameleon-like skills to assimilate and be involved with to a variety of groups or different people over time, in a search for true identity.

Oh hi.  Welcome to Show Me Who You Really Are, related to a lifetime search of “who the hell am I?” in relation to everyone around me

Dislikes change and may find it disorienting and stressful

And yet, I can’t stand to repeat the same mistakes over and over and over. . . and so I rip the rug from under my own feet in order to get out of the rut. . . which brings change to my life . . . which I really do hate.

Highly sensitive to criticism or perceived criticism

This one I don’t get really.  I need for people to be straight with me and direct.  But criticism (yes, even if just perceived), really, really stings.  It’s like I was just slapped hard in the face and brings insta-tears.  I usually am pretty good at stuffing it before anyone sees because it’s embarrassing.  But I’ve never been able to figure out why I respond to it like I do.

Dislikes being observed when having to perform (performance anxiety)

Oh for sure.  If you want to watch me mess something up or go blank. . . start watching me do it.  A switch goes off in my brain and I break into a sweat and most likely wouldn’t be able to give you my name, let alone perform.  I have been actively working on overcoming this one lately.  I even made myself sing a song in front of Jay. . .because the only way I know how to overcome fears… is to hop in and get all comfy with them.

Tend to be very serious, often too serious at times, Is intense in everything she does

I have been asked a bajillion times in the past, “Why do you look so serious?”  O.O  Because I’ve got some serious shit being worked out deep inside of me if you don’t mind, please and thank you.  Really, what’s happening usually is I’m in hyperfocus mode because I’m actively trying to shift and move energy flows within my body. . . I have zero attention capacity left to be thinking about what the hell kind of face I’m making.

Has the ability to feel other people emotions, May “know” or have knowledge of certain things, but no idea how she knows

I believe I just recently brought this up in a previous post when I was trying to understand for myself why people scare me.

Okay. . . that’s like all I can even stand to go through.  If you’re even still awake at this point in the post. . . kudos to you.  Because I’m about to do a faceplant on my keyboard.

I was crying when first reading many of the things because (well, apparently I have no control over my tear ducts anymore) because I don’t know how many times I’ve felt like a crummy person because of it.  I am constantly ruffling feathers and disappointing people left and right, and I’m doing the best I can.  In fact, I feel like I’m in superhero drive every single day of my life – but it feels like others think I’m just half-assing it.

I cannot even begin to express what it feels like to go every single day of your life feeling like you have leaped over the empire state building and for all of it to go unnoticed and be completely insignificant to the rest of the world.

Do you know how many times in the past I’ve been accused of being cold, insensitive, and self-centered?  And I believed them, because I didn’t know that they didn’t know better than me.  So I made it my mission to rip my world of understanding upside down and inside out to understand others and how their perception is separate and different from mine.  And who I am separate from them.

And I get that I’m weird.  And it’s dragged me through 7 levels of hell.  And regardless of whether how I am has a name or not. . . I know there are a lot of people in the world like me going through those same levels of hell.

And I don’t believe it to be a syndrome at all.  I think it’s humanity leveling up.  Because the things I’m forced to learn how to do, have only EVER made me a better person.  We live in a world of unhealthy habits and of unhappy people because we’ve gone way out of balance.  My “syndrome” is forcing me to learn how to rebalance and reconnect to what is really important and even slowing down and taking a breath once in awhile.

When I stop and take a good look at the chaos spiraling out of control on Earth, I seriously have to wonder who it is that *really* has the problems.

Feeling Like a Cat On a Leash

I’ve recently started taking my girl kitty, Raven, out on a leash.  As of June 04, she will be six years old and has been a strictly indoors cat (not including the times she ran out the door and got herself lost in the local neighborhood and caused me to cry so hard I nearly vomited).  While there is also a boy kitty in the house, Gir (pronounced GRRRR), he wants nothing to do with this crazy foolishness of willingly leaving a warm, cozy home with food, toys, and humans who cater to his every whim.

So what new level of crazy possessed me to try and take a cat out on a leash?  (I’ll wait for you to finish laughing first. . . )

Back in April, when me and my son went to go see Jay in The Netherlands, I took the cats to a cat sitter.  It’s a special place set up just for cats.  A cat motel, if you will.  This place also had a cat proof outside play area for them to go out if they wished.  So, long story short, Raven got a taste of the outdoors, and now she pines for the outside.

Problem is, as soon as she steps outside, she becomes freaked out and disoriented.  She’s an indoor cat, with an outdoor cat stuck inside of her.  She doesn’t understand it, all she knows is that she wants it with every fiber of her body.  Even though it scares the living shit out of her.

I happened to have a cat harness and leash because when I got them as kittens, I was delusional in thinking that was going to happen.  After finding it,  I got down on the ground with Raven and explained to her, that if she wanted a chance at going outside, she was going to have to suffer this harness.  And I’ll be damned if she didn’t stand there and let me put it on her.

This from a cat, who as a kitten weighing less than a pound, was able to wrestle her way out of getting her temperature taken.  Even while in a towel taco.  And two of us holding her.

So there she was, with a cat harness and leash standing at the front door looking hopeful at the door handle, and me standing there not knowing if I wanted to laugh or cry.  I have cats for a reason.  Namely, because they don’t need to be walked.  I’m lazy like that.

So fine.  I sucked it up and opened the front door.  But she’s doing this weird thing, where she lowers all of the way down on her haunches and belly to the ground.  Cats hate anything restricting their movement, so they get all weird about it and basically lay down.  As one owner put it, “it’s not taking them out for a walk, so much as taking them out for a drag”.  Ah, yes.  Now, I remembered why this didn’t work before.

At this point I’m standing there with my hand over my face and shaking my head.  What am I doing to myself?  This is so ridiculous.

But she must have seen a bird or smelled something good, because instinct or not. . . she was finding a way to make her way to the stairwell.  She looked like a miniature version of the cartoon pink panther as she slinked along the ground being all sneaky sneaky.  This was one determined cat.  Nothing, but nothing . . . was going to stop her from her dream.

Because I wasn’t going to watch her suffer down 3 flights of stairs, I picked her up and walked her down.  I got her to a grassy area free of any dogs, and let her have her moment.  I stood there patiently and gave her encouragement.  Since I was in broad daylight and visible to my neighbors, I figured I was in it for the long haul and just gave in to the crazy.

She was shaking like a leaf, just like she normally does when she’s outside.  But her determination was shining through.  She low crawled in a hurry to a place that was less open.  I kept talking to her gently that she was okay and that she just needed to get used to being outside and on a leash and that she was doing great.  Slowly but surely, she calmed down enough to explore and sniff a few things.  After about 15 minutes, she gave me a mew that sounded like, “I’ve reached my limit for now, please take me back inside.”

After we got back inside and I took off the harness, I let her know that she did wonderful for her first try.  Once free, she seemed awfully damn proud of herself.  She went prancing around the house like she was just given an award for kitty of the year.  Gir was pretty disgusted with her behavior and the attention she was getting from me.  Within an hour, she was meowling at the door to go back out.  I had created a monster.

I took her out again the next day and she adjusted more to walking with a harness.  By the 3rd day, we actually walked a full block with her pattering along side me like a happy puppy.

In the following walks, she met and greeted a puppy with no incident.  She learned to not scatter and run for the bushes every time a car passed.  She decided that she preferred the sidewalk to the grass and mud that got her paws dirty (maybe I influenced that, maybe I didn’t).

We were laughed at several times, and greeted with smiles and friendly chatter by others.  In a neighborhood full of dog owners, we were quite an odd sight to behold.

She would still shake like a leaf, and she would still hit a wall where she had hit her limit and would stop and give me the “please take me home” mew.  But she had done it.  She overcame her disorienting fear with determination and a need to do this thing that she wanted so badly.

I helped her, because I was familiar with her situation.  I have an outdoor cat stuck inside me too.  I wish to explore the neighborhood known as the world and satisfy my many curiosities.  I want to run free and frolic.  I know there are adventures to be had and things to chase and food to nom.  Trouble is, I’ve been an indoor cat my whole life. . . and getting into the wide open space scares the living shit out of me.

But I do it anyways.  One low belly crawl step at a time.