The Place of No Time and No Me

I started writing a reply to a comment. . . and it was quickly morphing into a full blown blog post. . . so I moved it here.

To catch you up to speed, here is the link to the comment from Ophelia (Myself).  The part in particular I was responding to was this:

i know when i relate to people, sometimes it sounds self-obsessed.  or so i’ve been told.  yeah, i kind of am.  i think it comes from feeling alone.  personally i love it when people tell me about themselves and i can say YES!!! ME TOO!!! so that’s where i’m coming from.  i’m just so pleased to find you.

The entire comment is great, so if you have a moment, it’s worth the read. (And unlike my novels, it’s relatively brief) : D

It pulled on a topic that’s been pacing in my head the last week or so, trying to gain an entrance (or exit. . . guess it depends on whose perception you are looking at) and this seemed to be it.

So here I. . . it (?) . . . goes.

If you haven’t noticed, there’s a couple of things I have a difficult time keeping straight/consistent in my writing.  (And if not, then I’ve just done a good job in curbing it and probably need to stop that to really let loose.)

1) Pronouns/1st person, 2nd person, & 3rd person.

2) Tenses – Past, Present, & Future

I was a self taught reader.  My mom said I somehow already knew how to read by age 4.  I always aced literature, spelling, English.  It was always 2nd nature to me.  But what I could *not* seem to ever get right in my writing, are those two things.

For me, this actually ties into the “self-obsessed” accusations I heard once upon a time.

When I’m writing or even communicating in general. . . there is *something* that is going on in me that I think may go beyond what the average person is experiencing in the same situation.  That may not be true, but I think I can at least safely say, I’m more aware of this *something* than most people.

I was seeing visualizations of it while driving in the sunshine this afternoon.  I saw communication in general, as a river flowing.  I was standing in the middle of it.  I cupped my hands and filled them with this water, and lifted the water out of the running river.  The water I held, represented an idea or thought.  Maybe a blog post.  It was a temporarily suspended snapshot of an understanding in that moment.  I could observe it, describe it. . . do anything I wanted with it. . . and for that moment. . . it was completely true.

As soon as that moment is gone, and the water has slipped back into the river. . . it’s gone and has changed and has new connections and layers added to it.  Words, communication, thoughts, ideas. . . have a life of their own.  They are fluid, ever moving, ever changing, dynamic.  As soon as someone has a great idea and publishes it or gets it printed. . . it’s already outdated in the ethers and long since moved on and morphed.

This river. . . connects and runs through everything.  It collects, retains, learns, and relays everything it has learned to everything else.  The wispy web threads I’ve spoken of before, are a part of this.

When I’m communicating, voicing my opinion, thinking, have a distant look in my eyes as I look off into space when I’m talking to you. . . that’s where I am.  I’m in that place where this river runs.

When I’m there, I’m not Jenn.  I’m not any one thing.  I’m not a nobody. . . I am a presence. . . but I have no. . . single identity that I would be able to give a name too.  (Oh the irony kills me. . . the river energy I am describing is Gemini. . . Gemini is the universe’s label maker. . . and yet when I’m connected into it. . . I lack a label.)

I’m also in a place of *no* time.  It just is.

So as I ride this literal etheric information super highway, I skip around from perceptions of I, She, Us, You.  It naturally and freely comes out depending on what thread I’m cruising down as I search or am pulled to the location that holds the information I am conveying or trying to explain.  Same thing with tenses.  Sometimes I’m in current time, sometimes I’m in what we would consider the past. . . and sometimes the future.

During all of this, I always have a thread or something that anchors me here and stays present and aware that I’m in this place and time. . . that I’m writing, that I’m a female.  But, that’s about all I’m aware of from *here*.  If I become TOO aware of who and where I am at present. . . the connection into the information weakens.  What this means, is that if I give in too much to being aware of what I’m saying and how I’m saying it so that it doesn’t offend someone. . . I am not able to stay connected into that space of no time and no me.  (Btw, this also accounts for 99% of my spelling/grammar errors which I am continuously having to edit the posts to fix.)

Some of the reason for that, is because I am actually trying to translate from “ether energy speak” to English.  If I start adding to it, “You know, if you keep speaking in this manner, people will take it as you lecturing them and stop listening.” it can start becoming the straw that broke the camel’s back.  I can’t do it.  It doesn’t feel good or right to do it.  It literally. . . messes with my flow.

So back to the comment regarding being self-obsessed.  I feel this is a matter of semantics.  I don’t even know if that’s a proper use of that word, but it’s what came in.

It only sounds like I’m self-obsessed.  All I’m really trying to do, is keep consistent so that I make some sort of linear sense to others and can communicate what I feel, know, see.  As I’ve said before. . . until my late twenties, I did not understand or comprehend that I was a separate individual from others.  I am perfectly at home with using the “royal we” perspective.  With switching between I, you, me, her, him, they. . .   Because I’m not attached to it.  It doesn’t mean to me what it means to people in general.  It’s not important to me really, at all.  But people in the past have thrown such a goddamn fit over it, that I’ve tried to understand and use it properly.

If I use *I* and *me* too much, I’m self obsessed.  If I use *you* too much, I’m supposedly telling others how they feel.  If I use *us* and *we* too much, I’m trying to be a guru or make people follow me.

It’s enough to make me want to start beating my head against the wall, because all of the focus is on something that is so. . . irrelevant in the big picture, that the actual message goes unheard.

The tenses (past, present, future), I’ve never really had anyone have an issue with it – I just understand that it can be hard to follow what someone is saying when they are leaping all over like they’re in a perpetual time machine while they talk.

People on the autism spectrum (always think of rainbows when I say that) have trouble communicating verbally.  They tend to think in pictures/images.  They can see straight into your soul, but don’t know how to socially interact with you without there being some level of awkwardness and discomfort.

But it’s not for the reasons people think.

How would a line, describe its world to a dot.

How would a square, describe its world to a line.

How would a cube, describe its world to a square.

How do you translate from one way of being to another, more limited. . . linear way of being?

How do you describe something that is new and more than the world everyone has previously known?  Where do you find the right vocabulary?  How do you even get someone to pay attention or realize that even though you may be using the same words as them. . . you are trying to convey a richer, bolder, expanded meaning. . . when those people are so sure they already *get* the meaning of the words you use.

 

Comments

  1. Sweet Jenn,

    I am again so with you on this. And again right on (no-)time 😉 to.
    That is it. And yes, it is sometimes hard for me, many times over, to understand why people make sometimes, such a fuss over the whole I, we, us, me thing. Cause when you look through it, not just at it. it points to all who listens, who recognize it. I mean the I can be you and the you can be I. it means both. And as listeners we can see the I for you or the we for me or just the I for I if that helps us. Its the receivers of the words that can also easily choose how we want to perceive it. if I want to see the I for you or we or me, than I am free to do that. there is no problem in that. if it helps to get what the story is about. So to all the readers i would love to say, see as you please it. 🙂 ❤

    And yes, all is here and now. past, present, future. its all simultaneously happening in this big sea of Life. The sea of I AM.

    Much LOVE and Blessings,
    Mirjam/Sunshine.
    p.s this is coming bubbling through:
    I am another You in a different form
    You are another Me in a different form.
    But We all are the sea of I AM
    We are all the I AM.
    One ocean of ME.

    Like

    • Your comment made me super smile.

      Everything I say is *my* perspective, understanding, opinion, etc. And the same is true for anyone who opens their mouth. I had thought that was a given when I was younger. When someone would come back with a retort of “yeah, that’s YOUR opinion” . . . I was SO confused. Of COURSE it’s my opinion. . . how could I be speaking anything else? That’s kind of the point here, I’m experiencing life through my unique filters and energy for the overall enhancement and growth of the ALL (and yes for myself, too). I couldn’t possible be doing it any other way- Thank you, Captain Obvious.

      I *do* understand better now what they meant. But it wasn’t until I began to understand boundaries and distinction of myself from others (like I also just mentioned in a reply to Jean in my previous post). It’s a weird paradox. The general population seem to only see their separation and individuality from others. . . and then there are others like me who only see the connections and unity of all of us. And we try to talk to each other as if we’re coming from the same understanding about life.

      So while for some, they are trying to learn how to see how we are all connected and in unity. . . for others. . . in order to bridge that gap, we’re having to learn distinction and how we are an individuals separate from others. . . so that we can understand where others are coming from, and then better communicate what we are trying to say.

      If I don’t know where you are coming from, where you are standing. . . I cannot possibly light a path for you. So I must put myself in your space and feel and see and know the world in a similar manner as you, and then learn the connections between that space and the space I know. . . before I will be of any use as a guide or path maker. This process usually results in the reconciliation of duality. (<— this seems to be the topic of the hour for me. . . interesting).

      That's also where a talent, like you have, for holding the space comes in handy too. It's like holding open the doorway to allow others to still find their own way, but have a clearer road to follow than we did in trying to open that door ourselves.

      omg. Why are there so many words coming out! O.O

      I can't seem to stop! (I may need to begin a Verbosity Anonymous club. . . no wait, that's a horrible idea. . . it would never end.)

      Jay knows how to make me stop. Luckily, he will be here later this week. I apologize in advance for my wordiness between now, and when he arrives and is able to save all of you from it. : D

      Talk to you guys later

      And an incoming hug for you, Sunshine.

      Like

  2. Ophelia says:

    i know exactly what you mean about losing yourself in writing and the image you drew of standing kind of above or outside it all and sensing how your ideas fit and flow together with the rest of creation — just glorious. i am definitely a creature of patterns. you might be interested in the autobiography “stroke of insight” because there appears to me to be a strong link between this state of mind or being and the experience of oneness you describe here.

    i used to write like that. i went to grad school for critical theory and it absolutely destroyed my ability to write. too much information, too many connections, and too much of it was analyzing the very process of creating and language. interesting and heady stuff, but put my inner critic on steriods. i quit reading for fun as well. it’s been about twelve years or so and i’m finally starting to read and making myself write trying to recapture that flow. i was a very precocious reader as well. i used to get in trouble in first grade for reading under the desk during class. i understood spelling and diction intuitively from the very start. i started typing when i was ten so i could capture the flow of words that seemed to rise compulsively and constantly from somewhere deep inside me. before that i wrote so much my hands hurt. i created my own style of handwriting that was faster and neater (lost now) so i could keep up with the thoughts in my head. there are times now when that pressure wells up inside me, but i seem to have nothing to say. hopefully i can find my voice again.

    interesting what you said about trying to translate a way of seeing and being that is interconnected into a different world of meaning using the same words. context is so powerful! speaking of which… we are only hyperlexic in an NT universe… 😉

    ok hopefully no double-post, apologies if it does, i lost my connection in the middle of all this.

    Like

    • Are you sure your ability to write like that has been destroyed? Or is it manifesting in a new form that maybe you don’t recognize (because maybe it doesn’t look how it was before you went to grad school)?

      The reason I say that, is because. . . you (Amazingly!) summed up in a whole new/different way . . . what I was describing that showed that you not only connected into what I was saying. . . you went for a spin there yourself as an observer (maybe unwittingly).

      “the image you drew of standing kind of above or outside it all and sensing how your ideas fit and flow together with the rest of creation”

      <—- your perception of that same place. . . that you could've only intuitively understood, had you been there.

      I do understand the inner critic and how it can destroy the freeflow of writing. Doing NaNoWriMo, helped me bust past that (Month of November, you try to write a 50,000 word novel. . . no editing, just typing as fast as your fingers can move).

      However, I also know. . . that a decade ago, just to get a page of that kind of writing only happened once in a blue moon. It took so much discipline and focus to connect into that flow and retrieve anything.

      If I still tried to connect in that way, I would be sorely disappointed with the results – because it no longer feels the same way as even a couple of years ago. It now feels different, and is more instant. Like the distance between the two places has become almost non-existent.

      I'm kind of feeling that yours is alive and well and present. . . you just haven't recognized its new form yet.

      : D

      Like

      • Ophelia says:

        thank you! i get these spurts when i’m inspired. i just used to be able to do it so much more easily on demand. i’m hoping if i persist this block will eventually lift.

        funny you should mention NaNoWriMo, i found out about it a few years ago and just didn’t have the discipline (or something) to do it. i’m glad you reminded me. maybe this year!

        anyway i really enjoy your articles and am enjoying exploring your blog and reading comments as well. it’s good to find like-minded people (literally in this case!)

        Like

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