The Place of No Time and No Me

I started writing a reply to a comment. . . and it was quickly morphing into a full blown blog post. . . so I moved it here.

To catch you up to speed, here is the link to the comment from Ophelia (Myself).  The part in particular I was responding to was this:

i know when i relate to people, sometimes it sounds self-obsessed.  or so i’ve been told.  yeah, i kind of am.  i think it comes from feeling alone.  personally i love it when people tell me about themselves and i can say YES!!! ME TOO!!! so that’s where i’m coming from.  i’m just so pleased to find you.

The entire comment is great, so if you have a moment, it’s worth the read. (And unlike my novels, it’s relatively brief) : D

It pulled on a topic that’s been pacing in my head the last week or so, trying to gain an entrance (or exit. . . guess it depends on whose perception you are looking at) and this seemed to be it.

So here I. . . it (?) . . . goes.

If you haven’t noticed, there’s a couple of things I have a difficult time keeping straight/consistent in my writing.  (And if not, then I’ve just done a good job in curbing it and probably need to stop that to really let loose.)

1) Pronouns/1st person, 2nd person, & 3rd person.

2) Tenses – Past, Present, & Future

I was a self taught reader.  My mom said I somehow already knew how to read by age 4.  I always aced literature, spelling, English.  It was always 2nd nature to me.  But what I could *not* seem to ever get right in my writing, are those two things.

For me, this actually ties into the “self-obsessed” accusations I heard once upon a time.

When I’m writing or even communicating in general. . . there is *something* that is going on in me that I think may go beyond what the average person is experiencing in the same situation.  That may not be true, but I think I can at least safely say, I’m more aware of this *something* than most people.

I was seeing visualizations of it while driving in the sunshine this afternoon.  I saw communication in general, as a river flowing.  I was standing in the middle of it.  I cupped my hands and filled them with this water, and lifted the water out of the running river.  The water I held, represented an idea or thought.  Maybe a blog post.  It was a temporarily suspended snapshot of an understanding in that moment.  I could observe it, describe it. . . do anything I wanted with it. . . and for that moment. . . it was completely true.

As soon as that moment is gone, and the water has slipped back into the river. . . it’s gone and has changed and has new connections and layers added to it.  Words, communication, thoughts, ideas. . . have a life of their own.  They are fluid, ever moving, ever changing, dynamic.  As soon as someone has a great idea and publishes it or gets it printed. . . it’s already outdated in the ethers and long since moved on and morphed.

This river. . . connects and runs through everything.  It collects, retains, learns, and relays everything it has learned to everything else.  The wispy web threads I’ve spoken of before, are a part of this.

When I’m communicating, voicing my opinion, thinking, have a distant look in my eyes as I look off into space when I’m talking to you. . . that’s where I am.  I’m in that place where this river runs.

When I’m there, I’m not Jenn.  I’m not any one thing.  I’m not a nobody. . . I am a presence. . . but I have no. . . single identity that I would be able to give a name too.  (Oh the irony kills me. . . the river energy I am describing is Gemini. . . Gemini is the universe’s label maker. . . and yet when I’m connected into it. . . I lack a label.)

I’m also in a place of *no* time.  It just is.

So as I ride this literal etheric information super highway, I skip around from perceptions of I, She, Us, You.  It naturally and freely comes out depending on what thread I’m cruising down as I search or am pulled to the location that holds the information I am conveying or trying to explain.  Same thing with tenses.  Sometimes I’m in current time, sometimes I’m in what we would consider the past. . . and sometimes the future.

During all of this, I always have a thread or something that anchors me here and stays present and aware that I’m in this place and time. . . that I’m writing, that I’m a female.  But, that’s about all I’m aware of from *here*.  If I become TOO aware of who and where I am at present. . . the connection into the information weakens.  What this means, is that if I give in too much to being aware of what I’m saying and how I’m saying it so that it doesn’t offend someone. . . I am not able to stay connected into that space of no time and no me.  (Btw, this also accounts for 99% of my spelling/grammar errors which I am continuously having to edit the posts to fix.)

Some of the reason for that, is because I am actually trying to translate from “ether energy speak” to English.  If I start adding to it, “You know, if you keep speaking in this manner, people will take it as you lecturing them and stop listening.” it can start becoming the straw that broke the camel’s back.  I can’t do it.  It doesn’t feel good or right to do it.  It literally. . . messes with my flow.

So back to the comment regarding being self-obsessed.  I feel this is a matter of semantics.  I don’t even know if that’s a proper use of that word, but it’s what came in.

It only sounds like I’m self-obsessed.  All I’m really trying to do, is keep consistent so that I make some sort of linear sense to others and can communicate what I feel, know, see.  As I’ve said before. . . until my late twenties, I did not understand or comprehend that I was a separate individual from others.  I am perfectly at home with using the “royal we” perspective.  With switching between I, you, me, her, him, they. . .   Because I’m not attached to it.  It doesn’t mean to me what it means to people in general.  It’s not important to me really, at all.  But people in the past have thrown such a goddamn fit over it, that I’ve tried to understand and use it properly.

If I use *I* and *me* too much, I’m self obsessed.  If I use *you* too much, I’m supposedly telling others how they feel.  If I use *us* and *we* too much, I’m trying to be a guru or make people follow me.

It’s enough to make me want to start beating my head against the wall, because all of the focus is on something that is so. . . irrelevant in the big picture, that the actual message goes unheard.

The tenses (past, present, future), I’ve never really had anyone have an issue with it – I just understand that it can be hard to follow what someone is saying when they are leaping all over like they’re in a perpetual time machine while they talk.

People on the autism spectrum (always think of rainbows when I say that) have trouble communicating verbally.  They tend to think in pictures/images.  They can see straight into your soul, but don’t know how to socially interact with you without there being some level of awkwardness and discomfort.

But it’s not for the reasons people think.

How would a line, describe its world to a dot.

How would a square, describe its world to a line.

How would a cube, describe its world to a square.

How do you translate from one way of being to another, more limited. . . linear way of being?

How do you describe something that is new and more than the world everyone has previously known?  Where do you find the right vocabulary?  How do you even get someone to pay attention or realize that even though you may be using the same words as them. . . you are trying to convey a richer, bolder, expanded meaning. . . when those people are so sure they already *get* the meaning of the words you use.


When You Believe

I was procrastinating house work with facebook, and clicked on a blog post, A Daddy’s Letter to his Little Girl About Her Future Husband.  It is a beautiful post about how he wants his little girl to know, that contrary to trendy magazine articles, she does not need to do anything to “keep her man interested” except to be herself.  It felt really, really good to hear that coming from a father.

It tied in nicely with a pep talk a teacher was giving his student (who had a crush on him and he was letting her down gently) on a TV series I’ve had playing in the background.  He told her that when she found the right man, that he’ll love her exactly for who she is.  And that the weakness or faults that she doesn’t like about herself . . . are the very things that he’ll love most about her.

I need a moment.  I’m getting all verklempt.  {waving hands over teary-eyes and making the *I’m not going to cry* face}

It touches me deeply, because I have found that man for me.

But that’s not what this post is about.  : )

As I was feeling the warm fuzzies that were mating like bunnies inside my heart, I wasn’t ready to leave the comfort of the page, so I started scanning over the comments section.

The second comment down, I saw this:

I agree with most everything here, in theory, except for the religion – this is the basis for your values.

And then saw a reply to that comment:

My fiancee is atheist.

And then saw another reply from the person originally commenting:

You’re entitled to your opinion, Cliff, but don’t be ‘sorry’ for me.  I don’t apologize for my belief, and I don’t agree with yours.

And then something started buzzing in me (almost literally).  I suddenly had *something* to say to these strangers.  It’s been a really, really, really long time since I’ve felt this.  I know I voice my opinion often, and I respond to friends, and blogs. . . but I mean this in a different way.

Typically, when it’s something to do with people’s belief systems, etc. my mind kind of goes into this “everyone believes what they believe and that’s their right.  Who am I to say what is right or wrong for anyone else.  And who gives two cents about what I believe, people aren’t really listening anyways.  Ergo, I have no interest in responding.”

I guess it’s been something along the lines of apathy.  It’s a very, very dull place to be.  Especially for a Fire person like me, who needs to feel inspired and needs to believe strongly in something.

So this *bzzz* *bzzz* *bzzz* started going off in me, and I had hit the reply button and started typing before my conscious mind was able to catch up to what was going on.  And as I was typing the response, I felt REALLY good.  I felt clear, calm, peaceful, loving, caring, knowing.  This was nothing to do with me, this was to do with a message wanting to come through and I was being buzzed requested to convey it.

I have no idea who or what I was responding to.  I was not feeling anything personal towards the people or comments that had brought on this response.  It actually seemed more like the series of word combinations I saw in the comments, acted as a password to unencrypt information that was ready to be released.  I just went with it.  It felt completely natural to me, and it felt really, really good.  It felt like I was rejoining life as a participant for the first time in a long time.

Apathy be damned.

As I was finishing it and about to hit reply, I wanted nothing more than to share with you guys my moment.  My moment of “I’m starting to care again about something going on in the outside world enough to participate”.  It’s of the same nature of feeling that I was describing in my post, The Song Whisperer.  A feeling that has slowly but surely been building and coming back in bleeps and bloops that I recall having as a kid.  It keeps surfacing more and more and staying around for longer periods of time.  I think if I now had to give a name to it, it would be “I believe again.”

I am starting to believe and feel the wonder of a child again.  The one that remembers magic.  And that unicorns are real, but you just can’t see them here.  And that really, I’m a princess in disguise.  And makes cushion forts and giggles herself silly (and unknowingly giving away her position) when someone says, “Where did Jenn go?”

Oh wait.  But I’m a grown up now. . .    : /

So I need to revise the princess part.  That’s for kids.  I’m a Queen in disguise.

The rest still stands.

= D

So without further ado (and elaborate procrastination scheme to keep me from having to do housework), here was my moment and reply to the comments.

I think the point being made in this article is what a person’s values truly are underneath. . . and not the title or label each individual chooses to give their set of values.  What one individual calls “being a good Christian” another person calls being “Atheist”.  We are all prone to our own individual perceptions and filters, and must understand that what one name means to me, means something else to others.  You must look below the surface of what someone says, in order to understand what they are truly trying to communicate.  Telling me you are Christian, tells me absolutely nothing about you.  But, tell me what truly lies in your heart, and then I will know who you are.

Many of life’s disappointments come from assumptions, misunderstandings, and miscommunication.  Often, because people are not truly listening to what others are trying to say or express.  If I were to say I’m an atheist, people may assume many things of me.  If they never ask me what that means to me, they will never actually hear or see the *me* that is in my heart.  If they were open-hearted, and were interested in me as a person, then they would hold the space, without judgment, to ask me what that means to me.  And they would maybe come to find out, that what I believe . . . is very much in line with what Jesus was truly trying to teach.  And that truly in heart, I’m a Christian, but I do not see myself or label myself in that way.

The reason it was said to not judge, lest you be judged yourself . . . is because you are showing what is truly in your heart when you do this.  If you are judging an atheist because of the assumptions of the name alone, and not who the person really is, you are showing to everyone around you, that your own heart is closed. . . and you will be judged by others based on that.  You may scream that you are being persecuted because you are Christian, but no.  You are being treated how you treat others.  And you treat others, how you inwardly. . . secretly. . . treat yourself.

You cannot be loving, open, and understanding if you are not able to be loving, open, and understanding with yourself.  You reap, what you sow.

Elf Hunting

Been Feeling a Little Sensitive Lately?

I have so far made a conscious effort to keep Astrology out of my posts, because it can be off-putting to people.  But I feel like it now.  (Key word here is *feel*.)

We have a big pile of planets that have moved over into Cancer, having just come over from Gemini where the emphasis has been for a while now (a little over a year).

Gemini is an air sign, meaning it’s focus is the mind or intellect.  Gemini makes connections to things.  (I’m a Gemini Sun… I intellectually make connections between things.)  It’s also known for being the social butterfly, it’s about multi-tasking, flitting here and there and everywhere.  It’s also about communication and all the means of doing so.  It’s  about your immediate environment and community and the things you do within it.  It’s basically, the epitome of our current culture of social media.

Now. . . comes the energy of Cancer.  And you’ve most likely noticed a kind of shift recently, but didn’t (or couldn’t) attribute it to anything really.  Maybe just a feeling that things feel different.  You are most likely experiencing, first hand, what it feels like when planets shift signs.

Cancer is ruled by the Moon (all signs are *ruled* by a planet. . . means they go together, in many ways represent each other).  Moon is our comfort, our past, our memories.  Moon typically represents our moms, nurturing, home life.  It’s our feelings.  (Oh NO!  Not those!!!!)

So in plain English, we’re moving from an energetic focus on the intellect/mind/thinking to one of feelings/sensitivity/emotions.  We’re going to be seeking/wanting comfort.  A lot of us will become more and more like homebodies.  We’ll be more interested in being at home and with our family, then going out to the club.

But the reason I bring it up is because Mercury, the planet of communication (Gemini is ruled by Mercury. . . so the things I mentioned above can be included in the understanding of Mercury) is in Cancer. . . and it’s about to go retrograde.

I’ll wait while everyone cracks their Mercury retrograde jokes.  : /

A planet going retrograde (Mercury isn’t the only one that does it, just the most frequent and obvious to us), means that we’re really close to the planet and from our viewpoint here on Earth, it *appears* to be going backwards as we pass each other.  You know, like when you’re sitting in a car or train. . . and the car or train next to you starts moving. . . and for a second you aren’t sure which of you is moving and in which direction?  It’s a little bit like that.

When that’s happening, there is an emphasis or more of an intensity in regards to that planet.  It’s like it is getting all up on us with a megaphone and booming into our ears. 


Mercury retrograde in general can mean miscommunications, misunderstandings, delays in commute, issues with email, phones. . . even your data. (A shout out to all my data analysts out there. . . triple check your numbers!)  Expect delays.  Bring things to do when you go to appointments, because even if you happen to not be late yourself . . . the place may be running behind in appointments.

This mercury retrograde in particular, is in Cancer.  Us and our feelers.  Our comfort zones.  Cancer can be very sensitive, moody, closed off.  But under that crab shell is a big, old, loving softy (you will totally want to keep that in mind during this time).  This means, the misunderstandings and miscommunications are going to be focused around our feelings and emotions. People are most likely going to be more touchy, defensive, emotional, sensitive than usual.  I’m guessing some hurt feelings are going to be involved.

One thing retrogrades are great for, is in going back and clearing up anything that got missed the first time the planet went through that area.  So, the things we’ve just had happen with where Mercury just went through in the sky. . . now is our chance to re-do.  Do it again, but this time, slow down and take your time to get it right.  It’s like getting a second chance, so take that opportunity.

If there’s confusion or misunderstanding currently under way, instead of going at it in the same manner you usually do, take this opportunity to take a time out. . . some deep breaths. . . and take a fresh or new approach.  The feeling coming to me regarding this is, give each other a break.  Stuff has most likely gotten fucked up recently as all these planets came crashing into Cancer after being in Gemini.  Mid-stride we went from thinking with our heads to thinking with our emotions and people are becoming emotional train-wrecks all over the place (and all things Gemini/Mercury have become a big pile of WTF?)

That is how we experience the planet’s influences in our day-to-day lives.  Everything is frequency and vibration (sound), including the planets.  Everything vibrates at its own frequency and sends that outward. . . and it inevitably interacts as those frequencies interact with other beings/planets/etc.  Something does not go uninfluenced when the vibrations of one entity interact with the vibrations of another entity.  

Saying the planets have no influence on us, is like saying humans interacting with other humans have no impact on any of us.  Silly rabbit.

Each planet has its own frequency. . . and with thousands of years observation (among other things), we’ve gotten a pretty good idea of how each planet’s frequency feels or responds when interacting with Earth and her peeps.  And they cycle over and over. . . and when you are paying attention to it. . . you are able to start seeing the connections with how you’re experiencing life, and what’s happening in the heavens. . . and that they *do* correlate.  And as an analyst, when it really hit home for me one day how very, VERY much they correlate. . . well. . . it was a very Cancer/Moon-like moment.  = )

I have a huge emphasis of Gemini/Mercury and Moon energy in my natal chart.  You see how much I write! (very Gemini), but also how emotional I can be (very Moonish).  Gemini’s themselves are moody creatures, flinging from sunshine and bubblegum to evil incarnate all in one hour.  So adding the Moon emphasis, was a little bit of an overkill from the universe in my opinion.  (And made that extra fun with Neptune being conjunct my moon. . . . but that’s a story for another day).

However, I bring that up because this energy and transition we’re in, going from Gemini to Cancer. . . is one that I’ve been trying to find a balance with my whole life. . . so I completely get how crazy the world at large may be feeling within in.  Trying to get your mind and feelings to play nice with each other is completely counter-intuitive.  It causes a kind of compartmentalizing.

If I’m thinking. . . my feelings are cut off so that I can remain objective.  If I’m feeling my feelings, I can’t be thinking straight.  It’s like a switch that goes between the two. . . but never both at the same time.

Thinking —-> Feelings – NO!

Feelings—–> Thinking – NO!

It’s tricky. . . but. . . you CAN do both.  It feels like walking on a tightrope going across the Grand Canyon. . . but it can be done.  I’ve been practicing it during my posts.  In To Love and Be Loved. . . I experienced something completely amazing and very related to my emotions and feelings… like really, really down deep in them. . . and I ALSO was able to keep open enough to observe with my mind.  I was then able to write and communicate that experience, into a blog post.

That is an example of being able to do *both* of those things at once.  Observing, learning, writing, communicating, sharing = Gemini/Mercury and feelings/loved ones/memories/comfort/nurturing = Cancer/Moon.

So. . . maybe at this time it will be easier to write out what you feel instead of talking about what you feel.  It forces you to slow down.  You can go your own pace.  I know when I’m trying to communicate my real feelings… the ones deep down inside, I have to type really damn slow in order to not shut off to those emotions while in the middle of typing.  As soon as I quit feeling them. . . I stop and bring them back up and consciously/actively hold the space open for them to come through.  It will train and teach your body how you need to be in order to make space for both.

As you can see, my Gemini has gotten away from me and I’m writing a novel.  So I’ll wrap this up.

While Mercury, Venus, and the Sun (all currently in Cancer) won’t be in there for real long, Jupiter. . . the big dude. . . has also moved there – and he’ll be there for about a year.  So the influence isn’t going away for a bit.  Btw, Jupiter is a planet that *expands* where ever and whatever it’s in.  It’s a planet of blessings and opportunities.  But, there’s a thing as too much of something and that’s where Jupiter can cause some issues.  Case in point —> my natal Jupiter is conjunct (right next to each other. . . which kind of makes it one big ball of similar energy vs. two distinct energies) my Sun in Gemini.  What’s one problem I tend to run into when writing (a very Gemini activity)?  I can’t seem to stop!!!  Look at how long some of my posts go!!  

But it’s also a blessing (thanks, Jupiter) because it’s something I have a lot of, and has helped me learn *how* to write my deep feelings and *how* to be able to continue feeling them as I write. . . because I can’t help it.  I *must* communicate, I *must* share. . . and I feel emotions super strongly and often, so it was almost a guarantee that I’d learn how to make these two get along – otherwise I would self destruct.  I have had many, many ungraceful moments in my learning curve and I stick my foot in my mouth more than any one person should, and I’ve had to eat crow pie I don’t know how many times.   So it’s not been pretty, but it was kind of a guarantee.

{Awkward silence}

: D

I Know of Other Ways To Be

Yesterday was a pretty crap day.  My body felt bruised and beat up, I felt like I hadn’t gotten any sleep, I couldn’t get my brain in gear, and anything that could go wrong at work – did go wrong.  (Which has become the new normal at work these last few months).

I feel like how I’d imagine a marathon runner might feel at the last 100 meters of the race.  (I say imagine, because you’ll never catch me running unless it’s to save my life.)  I’m pretty sure that’s the finish line I see up ahead, but I’d be pretty okay with just dropping right where I’m at.  And because I’m not completely sure that really *is* the finish line. . . I may be hallucinating at this point.  I had *thought* I saw the finish line about 50 times before. . . so.

So, I went to bed.  As I settled into bed and dropped off to sleep, my thoughts were along the lines of:

 “Dear God, WTF?  Love, Jenn”

The message I woke up to being repeated in my head was, “I know of other ways to be.”  Which brought with it a lot of other feelings, emotions, memories, etc. to which my response was, “Oh, yeah. . . I do, don’t I?”

My next order of business was to try and record any dreams I could remember in my journal.  My dream memory recall hasn’t been so great the last few months, which is weird since everyone else seems to suddenly be dreaming up a storm.  But I did catch the thread of a dream that seemed kind of important.

I seemed to be in a place I remember living when I was younger, in Germany (Army brat).  There was snow on the ground, and I was on one of the sidewalks by myself.  (Next is the “only in dreams does it make sense” part.)  I had a handful of various buttons.  Really fancy, quality made buttons, but buttons nevertheless.

I had to work at getting them to work correctly.  I had to use a lot of focus, and discipline, and timing.  But when I got them going, I left the reality of that snowy place and was transported to some other reality.  It was like being an observer inside of a movie trailer, complete with a booming commentator voice.  The buttons weren’t buttons now, but planets.  And it was showing a line of planets that were crossing over Mars, and how each one was *just* dusting the surface of Mars.  Most notably was Mercury.

I seemed to be floaty and was watching up close in wide-eyed amazement.  I was so excited, and this was SO interesting.  I was completely enthralled.  And then the commentator said that it may have been possible (as if this was speculation of something that may have happened in the past) that Venus, *gasp*, may have touched the surface of Mars as well.

W   O   W!   O.O

And then suddenly I was back on the snowy sidewalk, picking my buttons from off the ground and cherishing them.

From behind me, came a man and his two boys.  The younger one seemed to be the one, of the three, who also had a handful of buttons.  He just kind of flung them, almost like it was an accident vs. on purpose, but they all started spinning perfectly and so beautifully.  I stood there watching them all spin so strongly, straight, and just. . . PERFECT!  It made me fill up with such happiness!  What a gift and talent he had!

It made me so happy, that I couldn’t wipe the stupid grin off of my face.  It seemed to really upset him that he could do this, like it was some curse.  He was having a bit of a temper tantrum, but it didn’t seem to affect my mood at all.  How could it, look at the incredible beauty that just seemed to fly off from him without even trying.

We both started walking along the sidewalk together.  Me grinning like a cheeseball, and him being all grumpy and melodramatic.  He was saying something about how his parents paid him so MUCH attention, and “Ugh, isn’t that the worst?”  I was still feeling happy and amazed at this boy who had wandered into my world, and was just smiling at him because he was so adorable in his mannerisms.

Then he seemed to pull out of his upset and asked, “What about you?”  I said, “Oh, no my parents weren’t like that at all.”

The snapshot feel of the scene itself, and the contrast seemed to tell me the message of the dream.  I had been on the sidewalk alone, and I didn’t have the same childhood as the boy, and I had to struggle to get the buttons to do even half as well as the boy’s.  But I was the one in amazement, joy, wonder, and happiness.  He had been accompanied by his dad and brother, had been given tons of attention, had talent that was just willy, nilly flung about. . . and yet, he seemed so miserable.

I think I may now better understand why suffering and struggle may be of value, at least while here on Earth.

Because nothing has come easy to me in life, I was forced to either pull inside and find my own way and happiness, or remain forever miserable and a victim of circumstances.

I found other ways to be, within the misery.  So, I *do* know of other ways to be.

The One Affects the All and the All Affects the One

I wanted to delve further into a topic that has come up on its own a couple of times now (And Here We Are and A Little Disclosure).  This is not something I had previously thought out before writing it.  It just pounced into my writing like it had a god given right to be there, and who am I to argue?

The One Affects the All and the All Affects the One

This concept comes from somewhere deep inside of me that seems pretty hell-bent on getting this idea across, because so far any time I get within range of a subject meandering in its territory. . . it takes the opportunity and devours it like a Lion on a Zebra.  {I have no idea why I just capitalized Lion and Zebra. . . don’t ask obvious questions when I’m trying to look smart.}

I’m going to quote the latest I said while in that territory just to get the ball rolling:

How the general population views a group of people AFFECTS THOSE PEOPLE.  It energetically affects them.  Imagine wisps of energetic strings that look very much like fine spider webs.  And imagine those are connected between all of us and our environment.  And when you have a large group of people with a certain perception of a group of people. . . that it relays it down those fine wires to those group of people and they feel it and experience it and are subconsciously affected by it.  Your misunderstanding and misperception of those people HURTS THOSE PEOPLE.

Just in case you’re new in town, here’s the down-low about me.  I’m very intimate with the energetic world.  I was lost in the sauce for a good portion of my life because of being too aware of energies around me, visions, and a lifetime of lucid dreams.  In addition, because of being so sensitive to these things, I *also* had a hard time understanding myself, others, and how we were separate from each other.  Until my late twenties. . . I didn’t understand the concept that I was actually a separate individual from the rest of the herd.  (That is probably a whole ‘nother post all by itself.)

The last decade has been spent in earnest tearing apart everything I thought I knew, and understanding 1) who I am and how I am separate from others and 2) discerning the many different subtle energies I pick up and how they are connected to the *seen* world (aka “reality”).

I’m still learning.  I’m still surprised on a regular basis.  I had no idea that everyone didn’t experience life like I did.  It is *still* shocking to me.  I once had a short period of time where I went “offline” and wasn’t getting my usual visions and energetic connection information.  I felt blind, deaf, and dumb.  I cried a lot more than usual.  And I have a new-found understanding and a sort of respect love for people who aren’t connected into the ethers like me and get through life just fine, because I do not know how they suffer navigate life without it.

So where was I? Ah, yes.

Wispy spider webs.

{Just a sec, I’m in the middle of eating a popsicle.}


Okay, so anyways, I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “We are all one”, and maybe (like me) you’ve heard it so often that you almost feel yourself want to vomit up your lunch when you hear it now.  It’s been said to death.  And really, what does that mean at a practical day to day level?  Does it mean that all ya’ll are going to also help me with my grocery shopping and help pay my bills?  No?  Awwww.  : (

Well, when tuning into the energetics, I get a slightly different perception.  And that is that we are all connected.  I am me, and you are you.  We are not “we” per se, but we are an us.  (I just went all Alice in Wonderland on your ass).  What I’m actually trying to say, is that we are all individuals within a collective whole.  Cells that make up a larger body.

There are these gossamer threads, that very much resemble the threads of a spider -web (but a little more magical), that connect things in the world together.  I guess like the internet, or telephone lines, or even the synapses in a brain. . . but a much more sophisticated type of technology.  It relays information between everything.  Feelings, thoughts, sounds, visuals, etc.  Packets of real-life information.  It can drop off and attach where ever we send our “feelers”.

If I’m thinking about Jay, it relays that information straight to him via our little webby connection.  He may in that same instance think of me for a brief moment.  It’s like getting poked on facebook (but less weird).  If you are sensitive/aware of these things… you can actively work with it.

It works on a larger scale too.  If you are a part of the “American” group, and the overall opinion from the “Rest of the World” is that “Americans” are assholes. . . whether it’s true or not. . . any people, who at any level identifies with being an American. . . will at the energetic level. . . get *pinged* with that data packet.  If you’re aware of it, you can work with it.  You could dismiss it (block it) or you could send one back {fuck you} or {I am love}. . . whatever you choose.

Kind of let that soak in for a moment.

{Contemplating another popsicle, because oh my gosh the last one was delicious.}

{Popsicle nomming has commenced.}

Okay, back to seriousness.

I happen to be a person who is greatly affected by what other people think about me.  People, in a kind and loving effort to pull me out of a crying funk will say to me, “Don’t let what others think of you, bother you.”  And I wish it was that simple.  I am pinged with it immediately.  Someone thinks I’m rude.  I feel “you’re rude” and the associated feelings/information they have about that coming from the person.  It makes me cry.  I try to not show it to anyone.  I’ll keep an expressionless face until I can get somewhere alone where I feel safe before I’ll let myself bawl.  But there it is.  And sometimes, I don’t make it to somewhere safe.  There are countless times when I’m sitting at my desk with a handful of Kleenex trying to frantically remove all signs of a complete mini meltdown before someone walks by.

Call it emotional immaturity if you like.  It’s just a part of how I’m wired, and I’m not sorry for that. . . but I am regularly embarrassed by it.

Even if you aren’t sensitive to energies, you are still affected by these things.  They still have an impact to your life.  And the things you say and do, impact others in this way as well.

That’s how we hurt ourselves when we hurt others.  That’s how we hurt others when we hurt ourselves.  We are constantly sending and receiving all of this information to and from each other individually and all over the world.  Retaliating or getting revenge or “getting mine” is like punching yourself in the face over and over.  Really stupid.

There are so many other things and ways this affect all of us individually and collectively. . . but I think I’ve given the general idea of what I’m trying to say.

The cool thing about it is, it works for all types of feelings/thoughts.  Including the kind and loving ones.  But you can’t just say or pretend think kind things, you have to really be feeling them in order for them to travel the wisps (web was already taken, so I had to think of something else).  But that’s not to say that you deny or try to repress the not so nice things.  Sometimes, that’s exactly what is needed for the moment.

Ok.  It’s after 2am here, so it’s time to take my popsicle eating ass to bed.

And Here We Are

It’s not that I don’t *get* social cues.  I am aware of them, but that doesn’t help me understand what is going on.  It’s like living in a world of “The Emperor’s New Clothes”, where everyone is simultaneously The Emperor and the crowd.  Pretending things to be other than they are.

I am not seeing the pretend.  I’m seeing everyone naked (just in case people weren’t already feeling awkward around me).  When I was younger, I responded to what people were really feeling/thinking (or my interpretation of the things I felt coming from them). . . and not what they said or did to try and hide that part of themselves.  I was constantly told that I was wrong or being inappropriate.  I had a knack for seriously pissing people off with what seemed to me to be a completely innocent statement.

People and their reactions to the things I said made no sense to me.  It would be the equivalent of saying, “The sky is a pretty blue.” and the response being someone frothing at the mouth and raging and saying, “How DARE YOU!?”  It seemed random and inappropriate to what I was actually feeling or thinking.  I reached a point where I didn’t know what was or was not okay to say. . . and I cringed every time I did say something because I had zero idea what the response was going to be.

I genuinely did not understand.  I still don’t.  Not really.  There were many times when I was younger that I didn’t know why I was in trouble.

“What did I do?!?”

“You know what you did.”

“No, I really don’t!”

“Quit being a smartass.”


So growing up, I was often in a sea of confusion.  Even when I was telling the absolute truth, I was accused and punished for lying.  When I called out people who were obviously lying, I got into some serious shit trouble.  So how come when I say something true… I’m lying, but when someone else is lying and I say they are lying. . . I’m told I’m being wrong or inappropriate?

That sends a kid mixed messages.

{Rant Alert: Brought on by sheer frustration at having spent a life feeling like I was worthless and like I had something to be ashamed about.  And I’m not, and I don’t.}

When is a person supposed to lie and deny it and when is a person supposed to accuse a person who is telling the truth that they are lying?  Why would you do it in the first place?  All it does is cause so much unnecessary pain and trauma.  And it’s fucking exhausting.  Who can keep up with that shit?  My social awkwardness (and exhaustion) comes more from a “I’m sick of this guessing game of what I’m supposed to say or do when it’s not what I’m really wanting to say or do.”

When I read that people with Asperger’s or Autism don’t understand social cues. . . I’m like. . . huh?  Oh, do you mean, that I don’t understand these made up, arbitrary rules that everyone lives by?  Because yeah… that’s more of what we’re really dealing with here.

But, I have made every attempt at trying to figure it out, because my world is lonely.  I try to mimic how others respond to similar situations.  But because it seems like people make up the rules as they go, I don’t always have a previous example for how I’m supposed to respond to something (or the energy to give a hoot).  I learned (more or less) how to play pretend in my social interactions because that’s what I see the rest of the world doing.  But it’s not natural to me… so yeah, I’m fucking awkward in social situations.

Do you know when I’m NOT awkward in social situations?  When I get to be truly, unapologetically me.  When I can be exactly who I am, and how I’m feeling at that moment, and nobody is taking personal fucking offense or misunderstanding my intentions (aka projection), or telling me I’m wrong, or throwing guilt trip sandwiches, or trying to make me feel like I’m two inches tall . . . and when I can feel energetically that everyone is open and accepting of whatever is happening in the moment.  When everyone is accepting of each other (faults and all).  I think that’s what is referred to as being supportive and part of a team.  Not PRETENDING to be supportive or a part of the team. . . but when it’s genuinely unfolding like that.

But I haven’t had very many opportunities to get to experience that.

I recently read a study that was done with kids with autism, that pissed me off so much that my head nearly exploded.

In Children With Autism, Voices May Not Trigger Brain’s Reward Centers

“The human voice is a very important sound; it not only conveys meaning but also provides critical emotional information to a child,” said Daniel Abrams, PhD, a postdoctoral scholar in psychiatry and behavioral sciences who was the study’s lead author. Insensitivity to the human voice is a hallmark of autism, Abrams said, adding, “We are the first to show that this insensitivity may originate from impaired reward circuitry in the brain.”

Before I even had a chance to digest what it was I was reading, I was feeling rage.  There was a lot of bleepity bleeps going off in me.  #&!@#&%$!

What went roaring through my mind was, “Goddamnit!  It’s not that they don’t experience speech as pleasurable, it’s that they have extra-sensory capacity AND because they only respond to truth.  They aren’t responding how YOU think they should… but they are not experiencing the world like YOU do.  Get out of your goddamn materialistic-focused science box!”

If I had been told when I was a little girl that I simply, “Didn’t understand social cues.”  There is a good chance I would go my whole life thinking something was wrong with me.  I would probably never live up to my full potential, because I would have been mentally confined into a restricted space of “there’s only *this* way to be that is socially acceptable”.

The overall mentality about Autism is that they are . . . well, I’m just going to say it. . . retarded.  And guess what?  We can sense that and pick it up in every little movement and interaction you have with us.  And when we don’t ever have anyone counteracting that in our environment, or modeling a different way that we understand… that’s exactly the zone we stay in. . . retardedville.

You may be saying to yourself. . . “Oh no. . . that’s not how I think of it.  They’re just different, that’s all.”  Well.  Remember the part about “The Emperor’s New Clothes”?  Here’s an example.  It’s not socially acceptable to say it or even admit feeling it.  So, everyone puts on this facade of “that’s not how I think or feel at all, I’m civilized” or AKA being politically correct.  But, it’s still in your energy field.  And we read/sense/communicate via energy fields.  So, you can be all “that’s not what I think at all” . . . but we don’t even hear that.  (<—not responding to voice or words)  We’re responding to what you’re really feeling, and we’re able to experience and process it and know all kinds of things between ourselves and you without moving a facial muscle.  What took me FOREVER to realize and understand, is that not everyone operates like that.

In our attempt to explain our world and what we experience, using a spoken language that is greatly lacking in terms and descriptions to fit what we experience, people misunderstand or don’t know what to do with us.  They will tell us flat out that it’s not true (oh good… because I already had self esteem issues… now I’m going to battle self confidence issues my whole life because I’m constantly being explained away or told that how what I think, feel, etc. is wrong or something that I should be ashamed of or feel guilty about.)

Why is it difficult for us to ask for help, or set boundaries, or speak up for ourselves?  Because we know. . . that you aren’t going to understand. . . you aren’t going to get what we’re saying, because your ears are closed and your eyes are blind.  And because if we don’t understand ourselves yet (because we’re constantly being bombarded by others telling us who and what we are, that we’re unable to get out from under it long enough to hear our own internal voices) then we aren’t going to be able to form appropriate words (that aren’t going to offend or throw you all over the place emotionally) to appropriately communicate or push OUR truth out into a world that is screaming the opposite back at us.

For the LOVE OF GOD, if you understand nothing else in my rant, understand this: The One Affects the All and the All Affects the One.

How the general population views a group of people AFFECTS THOSE PEOPLE.  It energetically affects them.  Imagine wisps of energetic strings that look very much like fine spider webs.  And imagine those are connected between all of us and our environment.  And when you have a large group of people with a certain perception of a group of people. . . that it relays it down those fine wires to those group of people and they feel it and experience it and are subconsciously affected by it.  Your misunderstanding and misperception of those people HURTS THOSE PEOPLE.

We communicate and interact in ways that are constantly dismissed by the general population.  Bringing up things like sixth sense, ESP, being psychic, telepathy. . . is met with so much controversy.  It’s bullshit, nonsense, for ignorant superstitious people, for idiots who don’t use their brain, or my favorite. . . it’s Evil.  The devil’s work.  Awesome.  A great deal of how I am and how I operate is bullshit or make believe or evil. . . that does not make me feel safe, accepted, okay, secure, validated, or even like I have the right to breath or exist.  You want the kids coming in who are autistic to not shutdown or retreat into themselves or freakout emotionally. . . then the world needs to quit telling them in its actions and feelings that who they are is wrong or bad or something they should feel ashamed of or guilty about.

They shut down because they are sensitive.  They are connected to everything.  In their quiet, they can experience far off worlds and sensations that you could only dream about.  People in general are like bulls in a china shop to their senses.  People are so unaware of themselves and their energy, that they come barreling into the autistic kid’s space and wreak havoc!! and then are frustrated when the child doesn’t respond in the manner expected of them by other’s standards.

And then to add salt to energy, the world is trying to understand what’s “wrong” with them with strictly science measures, thinking we’ll find the answer or the “cure”.  You will find the actual physical differences between them and other people. . . but it isn’t telling you why they are like they are.  If you do not take into account the unseen and unknown and the spiritual… you will not ever, EVER understand what is going on with Autism.

It’s not the kids!  It’s not the kids with the goddamn problems.  It is our current world and how it is.  They show us where we are off and out of balance in what we do and how we live.  They have to have a safe, open, honest, real place to just be who they are.  And they NEED others to be the same.  And quit fucking subconsciously bombarding them with messages that there is something wrong with them or that they need to be tested or treated like lab rats or “cured”.

Case in point:

Autistic Teen Working on Astrophysicists PhD

Kristine Barnett’s son, Jacob, 15, was diagnosed with moderate to severe autism  when he was 2.  Because he had lost language, he was on the more severe end  of the spectrum.  Psychologists and teachers believed that the young boy  may not ever speak again.  As Barnett put it, they thought that he was  lost.
. . .

As Barnett would run a daycare out of her home, she would play with other  people’s kids outside while Jacob was slumped over the table inside, where he  would work with therapists.  He was spending hours trying to put a ball in  a cup.

One spring day, as the kids ran through a sprinkler, she decided  to make a change.

“We were forgetting his childhood.  His spirit was  being crushed by the opinion that everything was wrong,” she said.  “I  resolved to give it back to him.”

. . .

She decided then to take a second trip to a planetarium.  When they  arrived, a college-level lecture was taking place.  Hesitant, she took her  boy in.  Jacob immediately began reading the slides, and when the professor  asked a question about the density of Mars’ moons, Jacob answered the question  — correctly.

“At that point, my view changed, and I realized that his  mind is remarkable,” Barnett said.  “He understood complex concepts.   My outlook for his future was completely changed.”

Today, Jacob is now  working towards a Ph.D. at Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis  (IUPUI).  Several IQ tests have been administered on him, and Barnett said  that it’s been concluded that he can’t be measured, so he is always given the  top number.

Just be fucking real.  Learn how to do that.  Learn to be truthful and open.  Mimic them.  Try to understand how they ACTUALLY experience the world instead of projecting onto them.  They are the world’s teachers and leaders for the future.  They are our hope.

They are the answers to the many prayers that you have been pleading to God and the Universe for.

You have been asking for help here on Earth.  And you were heard.

And here we are.

I Think It’s Going To Rain Today

Today I feel a part of me wanting to come out that has never voluntarily done so.

A part of me that I hold very, very deep inside of me.  The part of me that I shield and protect with every single thing I have at my disposal.

I’m having to write this very slowly, because any sudden movements make her skitter away.  She’s not used to so much conscious visibility and attention from me.

I typically avoid her.  She conflicts with how I’ve felt I had to be when I’m around other people.  I love her with all of my heart.  But, I know how the world can be, and I feel she must be protected at all costs so that I don’t lose her.

. . . B i g  b r e a t h. . .

This is the part of me that wants to comfort others.  The mother in me.

The one, that when I see heartbreak in another human, my heart breaks with them. . . and all I wish to do is rock them in my arms.  Give them a safe place to feel their pain and to let it out.

Not in pity.  Not even in sympathy.

But because no one should have to suffer heartbreak alone.

And everyone needs a safe place to let themselves fall completely apart. . . so they can release the pain and grief, instead of holding it tight inside of their body and trying to be strong for everyone else.

And because we need a loving witness to the pain we feel.  Someone who is strong enough to see you at your weakest, and not think less of you for it.

Nobody can feel the pain for us.  That is the part that we must do ourselves.  But I do not believe it needs to be done in complete isolation.

Take a moment. . . and step out of yourself.  Think of all of the people you’ve seen all over the world recently, whether it’s from TV or the internet, in person, etc..  Think of the strong emotions playing out.  Such anger and outrage.  Pain.  Crying.  Strength. Love.

Think of the times you felt those strong emotions.  What you were going through inside.  Recall those and bring them back up to the surface.

And now pretend, just for a moment. . . that instead of those people you saw, going through those emotions. . . it was you.  You standing there in outrage at what’s going on.  Or hopelessness of what your future holds.  Fear of not knowing what’s next for you or if you can protect your family or feed them.  Pain and sorrow from what you are forced to witness everyday.  Grief from loss.

Regardless of whether there is a difference in beliefs among us. . . we are all hurting and feeling in the same way underneath.

I don’t know where and when all of today’s bullshit started.  Most likely, the beginning of time.  We are all fighting someone else’s fight from long ago.

Through the eyes of a mother, when I look out at our world, my feeling is . . . e n o u g h.

T h a t’s .

E n o u g h.

A mother’s heart can’t take anymore.

I think we have all suffered for far, far too long.  It’s time to stop now.  Just let it go.

None of us here on this planet right now, deserve this.  Not.One.Person.

We’re all just acting out cycles of pain from generations past.  We’ve inherited their mistakes, their pain, their grief, their anger. . .

Someone has to be big enough to . . so we can all start healing.

Hey Baby, What’s Your Flicker Rate?

That I Am That I Am Not

That is what I had going through my head when I woke up two minutes ago.  I was also thinking of a propulsion system.  (As I wake up more, I’m going to wonder WTF that even means, but right now it still makes sense to me.)

I also was seeing:

binary code 0. . . 1. . . 0. . .1. . .0. . .1. . .

off. . . on. . . off. . . on. . . off. . . on

In. . . Out. . .In. . . Out. . . In. . .Out

Feminine (In breath) , Masculine (Out breath)

That I Am That I Am Not That I Am That I Am Not

This is not the first time this week that I’ve woken up with this concept trying to make  itself known to me.   It’s something to do with how things exist or how existence moves forward. . . how time happens?  (Trying to puzzle this out as I type.)

Back to the propulsion system.  I was seeing something that makes me think of a steam engine and a train.  I actually know nothing about either of these (except that I find trains to be fun to ride).  But that’s what I saw, and with the “I am not”, 0, Off, In, Feminine. . . I saw a piston (is that what it’s called?) go in or down.  With the “I am”, 1, On, Out, Masculine . . . I saw the piston go up or out.    It started off slow and repeated.  Each time, I could see it pick up steam and the train would start to move forward.

A feeling of this being the simplistic basis for . . . all that is.  Creation, evolution, the golden ratio.  It’s like we flicker. . . and that flickering is what allows us to exist.  What drives us on. . .forward?

Did you know that light is not constant?  I can’t speak to whether this is the case for Divine Light. . . I’m talking about light as we know it here.  It’s not constantly on.  It just flickers so fast, that we think it’s on all of the time.

Just like the old-fashioned movie reels and a projector.  It’s just a whole bunch of still pictures.  But run them through a projector with a light, and the still pictures become a moving scene.

My maternal grandfather, who was an engineer, was the one who told me about this.  It rocked my whole understanding of existence.  I immediately wanted to know what was going on with us when the lights were off (no matter how short amount of time that was).  Did we just blank out?  Does existence just cease when we’re in the off position?  And why didn’t they teach this shit in schools?!?!  I would’ve been more interested in paying attention.

Okay. . . propulsion system keeps coming back to mind.  I am seeing how this back and forth between the on and off is what makes things happen or exist. . . but there is still an abstract concept it’s trying to tell me that I’m just not quite grasping.

Oh, now I just saw the off or dark part of the cycle is the unconscious/subconscious.  It’s when we forget or are asleep.  While we are eternal Souls and cannot actually be harmed. . . we can go into forgetfulness, which is as close to death as we can experience.  When we’re in the light part of the cycle, we are in consciousness. . . we remember or are “awake”.

When the flicker between the two is really slow. . .we’re not very conscious or aware.  We’re “in the dark”.  We don’t or can’t remember much about the true existence of reality.  As the flicker begins to pick up pace. . . we start to become capable of remembering and retaining more of the light part. . . because the space between the two begins to lessen.

Until you reach a state of flicker that is so rapid, you no longer forget at all.  LOL – OMG. . . that is what is happening when a person is becoming en*light*ened!  (Lighten up already!)  They are able to remain conscious or awake because their flicker rate is going fast enough.  They no longer forget who they are. . . they remain in the “I Am” state.

Holy shitsnacks!

Everything is just vibration and frequency.  On and Off at various degrees of intervals.  If it’s flickering super ass slow. . . it seems more dark than light.  The light is there but it’s dim.  It’s unconsciousness/sub-consciousness, forgetfulness, etc.  It’s considered the “lower” (but really just slower) vibrations (what we refer to as evil).  The faster something flickers between those two states, it seems more light than dark.  It’s considered the higher (but really is just faster) vibrations (what we refer to as good).  It’s conscious awareness. . . remembering or retaining memory of who you really are!


Maybe I should rename this site “Show Me Your Insanely Fast 0 1 0 1 0 1”.

Wow.  All that and it’s only 7:30 am.

Flickering like a mother fucker.  = )

The Many Ways We Love

My son was cracking me up last night.

“Many people tell me how wise I am. . .

And now I am foolish, for thinking I am wise.

Which in itself is a wise thing.

And now I am even more foolish. . .

Somebody quote me!”

Bwahahahahah! His comedic timing was impeccable. He was really on a roll last night (what kind? dinner? crescent?).

I can’t say the same for his mother. {shrugs}

Last night reminded me of something incredibly valuable to me in my life, and that is in understanding that we all love in our own way.

If I may be so bold, as to scrutinize the golden rule for a moment:

“Treat yourself as you’d have others treat you.”

I really took this to heart when I was a teenager. And with a religious zeal, I immediately began implementing it in my everyday life.

“I want people to be nice to me, so I am going to be nice to other people.”

There. That should take care of that issue in my life (I said smugly in my all-knowing teenage years). I had a long laundry list of how I thought people should be, and I was going to do all those things for them. Because you know, then maybe they’ll get the hint that that’s how they should be too. And peace will reign on Earth. I was so very clever. : )

But all that did for me in actuality, was set up a lot of false expectations and resulting disappointment when people didn’t treat me any different. If anything, I was treated worse.

So, back to the drawing board.

I’ll save you the long, epic journey of where this took me and skip to the good part. My epiphany of where I had misunderstood my literal translation of the golden rule.

If I’m too busy looking for others to respond in the way I would to a situation, I miss out on seeing the person for who they really are, and their own way of being. Plus, I will constantly be disappointed in life with failed expectations of others.

The most noticeable example of this, is the many different ways we all show and receive love. I have many different ways, and the way I show it can change from day to day. So, if you think “if she loved me… she would call more often”. . . you are going to be disappointed. Because that’s not how I show my love. That’s not how I am. If that’s how *you* show your love. . . then cool… do it. But don’t expect it of me. And don’t try to make me feel guilty for *not* showing my love in that way.

If you’re really seeing me, me…. the Jenn that resides within my heart… then you will see for yourself the ways that I show I love the people in my life. And no, it’s most likely not going to look like the ways that you show your love to others in life.

Maybe one day, I show it by lovingly cleaning out the kitty litter. It’s not that I love cleaning cat shit. I don’t. But. I feel love when I’m doing it (not every time… let’s not get crazy here), because I really love my cats and I want them to have a nice clean place to use the restroom. It makes me feel good that I can provide that for them.

When I pick up my son’s favorite foods at the store, it’s because I am feeling love and I want to somehow show that for him. So, to me, providing something he loves. . . is *my* way of showing love.

Maybe (pure speculation on my part) he wishes he had a mom who was more “huggy” and said “I love you” out loud more. I wish I could’ve been more that way myself. And I still try. But…it’s not a natural way of expression for me. I can’t be who I am not.

So last night, when my son was cracking me up with his natural wit. I didn’t need for him to say to me, “Mom, I love you.” because he was saying it loud and clear in his interaction with me. He was literally shining light off of his body last night. I hadn’t seen that with him in years!! It was more heart warming and beautiful than any clumsy words could have conveyed.

I say the golden rule could maybe use a revision, or even some clarification. Maybe yes, treat others how you would like to be treated yourself. . . but don’t forget that others have their own ways too. And they’re all pretty neat.

The Song Whisperer

I’ve been listening to Jay’s latest song, There’s a Storm Rolling In, over and over. It’s not completely my fault. I was minding my own business this morning and trying to get some long overdue cleaning and organizing done in the house, and next thing I know. . . I’m humming . . “There’s a Storm Rolling In. . . ” That in itself is not a big deal. I often have songs pop into my head for no reason. . . constantly in fact. I’m like some sort of organic iPod random shuffle. But there is a different quality or feeling in this instance.

And this isn’t the first time that one of Jay’s songs have gone all weird on me in the last week.

End of last week, I was at work and owning an Excel Spreadsheet like a boss, when out of *nowhere*, and in a Very Dramatic way. . .the beginning part of a song that Jay wrote over a year ago came barreling into my head. (You can hear it here, A New Wind Blowing) It was loud, intrusive, and definitely came from outside of me . . . meaning, it wasn’t just my thoughts picking up or thinking about the song. . . it was just there of its own accord. Like in a, “Hello!!! My name is Tom and I just moved into the neighborhood, and thought I’d stop and say hi!” kind of way.

I think I may have even jumped from being startled.

I’m used to really weird shit happening, but this was a new one even for me.

The song seemed to have its own distinct personality. It was hyper, excited, and wanted to “be a part of this”. At which point, I saw/heard the song Jay had just published about the storm. . . and at a certain point in *that* song I saw the one that had just crashed the party in my head. . . start to do an overlay of itself over (or through? weaved?) the other song. “I want to be a part of this.”

Lucky for the song “A New Wind Blowing”, Jay happened to be online. . . and I was immediately writing him.

“Ummm. Baby? You’re not going to believe this but, a song of yours has a message it wants me to give you. . . ”

And lucky for *me*. . . Jay is hardly ever surprised by what comes out of my mouth, and is easily able to roll with it. (Thank fucking god I found him. Damn I’m a lucky girl).

He called me a “Song Whisperer”.

Anyways, so back to today’s little treasure. The song came into my mind in a similar fashion, but less intrusive/hyper, and more subdued/gentle. Again, it felt like it came from outside of me and it had its own distinct personality. But this one wasn’t wanting to give a message to Jay, it had something it wanted to share with me.

So I gave in (hey, why not?), and got my phone and started playing it while I continued with my chores. But I had to make myself stop and really be present with the song. Spirit and Soul don’t speak if you aren’t paying attention.

It was then, that I was able to feel something stir and awaken in me. It felt a little melancholic. But deeper and fuller than that. It was swirling and expanding something in my root chakra, that gave it a timeless feeling. Something delicate and beautiful. . . faint and soft, was floating up from there. It felt like *meaning* and *purpose*. . . *fate* . . . *destiny*. . .

. . .*larger than life*. . .

. . . a feeling I faintly recall from childhood that’s been starting to find its way back into my vocabulary the last few days. A feeling of caring again. A feeling of wanting to join life again. A feeling that doesn’t have words yet. . . the closest I can use for translation from feeling to English is “swelling heart loving beauty for all of Life”. A feeling of being filled with care, nurturing, love, acceptance, kindness. It feels like something ancient. Something True.

Maybe something along the lines, of what a person would feel when they know they are taking their last breath. . .

Except. . . add to that, a person just about to start a brand new life. . . and it’s everything they’ve ever wanted.

They’re standing on that threshold

. . . on one side, they are saying goodbye to all they’ve ever known. . . and the love and appreciation for all the things they got to experience . . . and all the others who shared in that experience with them. A feeling of love and gratitude.

. . . on the other side, they are starting to see the sun’s rays fall on the new life that’s the result of so much hard work and sacrifice. A place of peace and love. Laughing and Love. Family and friends. . . as far as the eye can see. . . welcoming you with open arms. Singing a song of love and warmth. . . forgiveness. . . acceptance. . . for all of who you are. And in return loving all of them for all of who they are.

Perhaps. . . that’s why the sunny, shiny, new beginnings song “A New Wind Blowing” wanted to be a part of “There’s a Storm Rolling In.” They’re inevitably a part of each other. . . always. The New comes barreling across the threshold, and takes ahold of the Old’s hand. . . and threads both into the New, to forever continue the Story of Life.