More Lead, Red Balloons Please.

Just in case I was trying to win a popularity contest, either consciously or subconsciously, I thought I’d write this post and end all chances of that happening.

But first, a little background regarding myself.  Like I said previously, I push myself to expand when I write these posts.  I’m also trying to find *my* voice underneath all of the harsh critics that rant in my head when I’m trying to write something that I know will be published.

“Is this really what *I* feel, or is this what I tell myself to play it safe or to be fair to everyone?”

Right now, I feel more of a need to be fair to me, and what I feel to be true inside of me.  I cannot express how hard this is for me to do.  We all have our inner battles we fight on a daily basis.  This is mine.  For whatever reason, whenever I’ve tried to express what I feel to be true for me, it is met with great opposition.  Minimized, ignored, overridden, dismissed, laughed at.  I went years hardly speaking at all, because I believed that the things I had to say were dumb, stupid, irrelevant.

It was my understanding, that everyone else was clued in to what was going on, and that I was hopelessly lost.  So I listened and observed.  Everything.  Decades of frantically trying to understand the world around me and my place in it before anyone caught on that I didn’t know what the fuck was going on.  Trying to understand how to vocalize my inner world, in a way that didn’t sound crazy or so that I wasn’t continually rejected every time I opened my mouth.  I’m not telling you this to call anyone out, or for anyone to feel ashamed.  I’m telling you so that you have some frame of reference for where I’m coming from.

I want to overcome this battle in me.  I want myself to know that the things I feel matter too.  That I cannot control how anyone responds to what I say, but that doesn’t mean that I should keep quiet from fear of it.  Or that what I feel is any less important than what others feel.  It is up to me to win this battle, not anyone else.  So, don’t feel you need to respond any other way, than how *you* truly feel.  In fact, I insist on it.  I prefer it.  Believe in me enough, to know that I will figure out how to handle it with grace in my own way and in my own time . . . and I will do the same for you.

But back to my impending social suicide.

People, we have an epidemic/hostage situation.  The country has been taken over by two perpetrators known as “think positive” and “you create your own reality”.

It has become a pretty serious situation.

Some of the consequences include (but are not limited to) denial, uninvited impromptu lectures, repression, oppression, obliviousness, unhappiness, disappointment, unkindness, coldness, division, holier-than-thou syndrome, deafness, passive aggressiveness, passive victimhoodness, apathy, avoidance, loss of sense of humor, political correctness insanity, and anal leakage.

Since these two perps have taken over, the world has gone to shit, despite their claims of making all of our dreams come true.  Scientists are baffled.

The crime they are being charged with, is trying to force humanity to fly. . . before they had learned how to walk.  And giving matches to children.  And painting the world in black and white. . . or only white (there’s no black if you don’t think about it).  And for being lazy and trying to skip completely over the whole “discernment” bother.

Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying.  I’m not ignorant of the situation.  I’m very clear on what is going on.

It may have started off well intentioned.  But it has now just become one more thing to slap each other in the face with.  And btw, I do believe in being optimistic, and I do believe in creating your own reality.

But, here’s where I enthusiastically and unapologetically start going over like a lead, red balloon:

Creating your own reality is a privilege that is earned, and a natural byproduct of having done the hard work of healing yourself.  They don’t just hand that shit out to anybody.  And guess what?  It means taking a long, hard, honest look at the parts of you that you don’t even want to acknowledge are there.  It means getting into the dirty, grimy, nasty, smelly cracks and crevices of your being . . . and bringing them to Light.

Humble yourself.

Forgive yourself.

Love yourself.

And not with the intention of finding a cracker jack prize at the end.  Because if you do it for any other reason than what is Real or True, you will *not* find what you are looking for.  You can fool your family, you can fool me, you can fool yourself, but you will not fool the Energy or whatever name you choose to call it by, that is in charge of and responsible for this process in this existence.  I don’t care how brilliant you think you are.

We all want to avoid what is considered negative or “bad” things in life.  They are most unpleasant, I agree.

But what if the gold you are looking for, is hiding within that darkness?  That the darkness is there, because it’s hiding the doorway out of the insane asylum.  That you must walk through it, in order to get off the hamster wheel?

And then, what if you knew, that the dark fog was nothing but smoke and mirrors.  That it has NO true power over you.  All that it can do is use your own shadows and weaknesses against you.  Whether you have acknowledged those fears or shadows in you or not. . . *It* knows what they are.  And that’s where only thinking positive and not acknowledging those things in yourself, can really fuck you up.  It will always have an advantage over you, and be one step ahead of you. . . forever dangling that carrot in front of you making you think you’re making progress… but naaaaaah, not really.

“Hahahahahahaha.  Noob.”, it says as it tosses another cheeto into its mouth.

This was the path required of me in this life.  It has been cold.  It has been dark.  It has been lonely.  It has been painful.  And I have suffered greatly.

But I have learned how to call on strength and courage, even when I’m ready to piss myself.  I am learning the value of All of my strong emotions.  I have learned how to dance in the Dark and how to sing while in Pain.  I know resilience.  The words Faith, Trust, and Openness mean something completely new to me.  I’ve learned how to open my Heart, even as my Personal Demons are charging straight towards me.

I value laughter.

I have seen the most beautiful things, in the darkest of moments.

I know what’s really important in life and what is trivial.  The government and commercials would have me believe otherwise.

I will not laugh at your weaknesses.  I will love your quirks.  If you want, I will hold your hand when you’re scared.  I will hold the light for you while you walk through the dark, but I will not walk the path for you.  I think it’s a great idea to be allowed to make a lot of mistakes before you finally get it right.

I will hold you to who you really are inside, and not necessarily the one you pretend to be.

Even if it makes you hate me.  Because it’s more important to me that you find yourself again, and in doing so. . . find real happiness.

After all, this isn’t a popularity contest.

Be Real.


  1. I just ‘happened’ to come across this article, voicing a similar sentiment (sorry for the endless quoting : ) Celebratory high fives, jumping around in glee and warm heart hugs for hitting the ‘Publish’ button. You >> Neatest Ever : D

    “When our hearts are most broken, they’re most open. It’s the openness that makes us whole. This is the way we become enlightened through the darkness.

    Or, as Leonard Cohen sang it: “There is a crack in everything; that’s how the light gets in.”

    “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light,” said Carl Jung, “but by making the darkness conscious.”
    “A culture that prescribes the quick fix for any discomfort isn’t likely to find enlightenment through the darkness very appealing. It’s striking, for instance, that as the multitude of 21st-century threats to the planet grow more ominous, positive psychology has risen to the top of the pop psych chart. ”

    “At such times, putting on a happy face merely spreads a thin, fragile patina over our hidden sorrows. The shadow emotions grow rather than diminish with these attempts at suppression. Sooner or later, the feel-bad emotions will have their way with us.”

    “As a culture, we see the dark emotions as symptoms of impairment and pathology, rather than as the darker colors of our rich emotional palette. We call them “negative.” But it’s not really the emotions that are negative—it’s our attitude toward them.”

    “The dread and devaluation of emotions in general, and “negative” emotions in ­particular, are aspects of what I call emotion-phobia. When we don’t honor the dark emotions, we end up experiencing their powerful energies in displaced, irrational and destructive forms. We become addicted to alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping or the Internet. We get chronically depressed, anxious and phobic, emotionally numb. We’re more prone to self-destructive or violent behavior. These emotional epidemics of our time escalate the more we relegate the dark emotions to the shadow bin of our consciousness.”

    “In the banquet of human emotions, we all want to be selective and eat only the luscious light foods. But life has its ways of serving up our portion of grief, fear and despair from the dark side of the table. The question is: Can we find nourishment in the unpalatable?”


  2. You are so incredibly articulate and wise I would not have known that you found it difficult to express yourself because of not being supported in expressing your truth in the past. This is my truth- I find your voice so powerfully real that for me it is a delight and a tasty morsel. In particular in this article I enjoyed:

    Creating your own reality is a privilege that is earned, and a natural byproduct of having done the hard work of healing yourself. They don’t just hand that shit out to anybody. And guess what? It means taking a long, hard, honest look at the parts of you that you don’t even want to acknowledge are there. It means getting into the dirty, grimy, nasty, smelly cracks and crevices of your being . . . and bringing them to Light.

    Love it. A large part of my work is called pain body release. I am sure you would not be surprised to know how difficult it is to get clients to completely experience painful emotions in their bodies. It is common for people to dive in for a minute or two and then ask me, “now what?” All the miracles I have seen in my work, and there have been a few, are when clients dive into the totality of the physical expression of an emotion, be it grief, despair, yes, even joy. You are definitely on to something vital. Kuddos.
    I am still chewing on another article you wrote but my brain is too cluttered to remember what was coming up for me. I sat with it for some days. Your words for me are definitely food for thought. thanks savannah ah yes, about needing people, had many thoughts about that and still exploring what came up.


    • Jennifer Roark says:

      Thank you, Savannah, for letting me know how you see me. I don’t always see myself clearly, and it helps greatly when friends let me know what they see. I appreciate so much what you said. : )

      I have to tell you, I once watched a person go through something I would relate to a pain body release session, and kudos to you for being able to hold the space to do that with people! I remember watching the woman who was helping the woman through it (Patricia Walsh), and thinking . . . how, how, HOW(!) does she go through this with person after person?!

      I really feel it takes someone who is able to manage HUGE emotional energy, to be able to do that for others. So thank goodness for people like you who can do that.


  3. All I can say am totally with you on this Jenn,
    So all I can say is Amen to you sister!!!!
    And the work, the healing and the deep diving in is so so worth the journey.
    And also knowing that even in the darkest of dark we are not alone.

    That makes me think about an experience I had with a dark night of the soul. My whole body was in pain and fear. and it literately hurt intense, as my body recoiled and cramped. And i thought this is hell. will I ever escape this. it felt it went on forever. And then I felt a push on my back, like hands were holding me up so to speak. and encouraging me to endure it.
    the rest is a bit hazy. but i know I started to feel enveloped by those trusting and loving hands. it took still a bit for my body to soften, but the knowing I was not alone and was loved through this, still gives me chills and touches me deeply and profoundly. So yes, even now i feel the immensity of that Love.

    So yes. Through the dark and in to the light we are Loved, Does not matter were we are on the scale from dark, grey and light. they( we) love even if we do not sense or feel it. is always there. Our bigger Self’s so to speak are always holding us whole. Without judgment. cause they know. it all part of it. So we can learn to love our self’s and others all-inclusive.

    and that Love is not that wishy washy kinda of love. It the whole truthful honest and real Love.
    its a wise, unconditional Love. its hard to really describe it Love. However it is all-inclusive!

    Thank you Jenn, Jay and Savannah.

    Love you all ❤
    Mirjam ( sunshine) who is still in a weird new world 😉 ❤


    • P.s. Its like a story someone told me about seeing a dark Angel behind her man and a light Angel behind her. and then the light Angel and the dark Angel got bigger and held each-others hand.
      They were working together. So yes the dark is a necessity to go through. in order to the be whole. or to really understand and know who you truly are. Not only mentally, butwholeheartedly. in all of you being. To see the dark is just a show of Nothing. But you can only truly know that when you go through it. it that is not always a pretty site.


    • Jennifer Roark says:

      Oh my gosh, Sunshine! I loved *both* of those stories!

      Man oh man, having one of those dark night of the soul moments and then to have that experience – feeling like hands holding you up and letting you know you’re not alone? That is so powerful!

      I know in those moments, they can feel like they go on forever and like it’s your whole world and existence . . . like being swallowed up whole into some dark monster. And the isolation. . . oy vey. And usually, we are so wrapped up in our pain and darkness, that others are not able to make it through to us to give us comfort. So for something to come through for you in that moment to let you know that you’re loved. . . is extraordinary. Never doubt that you are loved, my friend!!

      And the story of the light Angel and the dark Angel holding hands. . . I find that visual so very beautiful.

      It reminded me of something else I once heard. I believe it is actually part of a Jewish teaching (but do not quote me on that, I know very little about the religion!). The gist of the story, is that each of us *do* have a light being and a dark being assigned to us. And that the dark being (Djinn?) knows all of our weaknesses and shadows, and that it is this being’s job to do everything in its power to trip us up. However! (dramatic pause dun Dun DUN), when we are able to overcome what they put in our path, nobody celebrates you more. . . than they do. It is their greatest joy to see you overcome those obstacles.

      That just makes me tear up thinking about it. Because what it means to me, is that ultimately. . . whether good or bad. . . the universe is conspiring to help me be the best Me I can be. And that really, when ALL is said and done. . .there’s no such thing as an enemy. Only love in many disguised forms.

      You guys, I’m TOTALLY loving what you have to share!


      • Thank you Jenn.
        And also WOW! I so see that too. The Light and dark powers are working together. You wrote that so beautiful. I got chills!!!.
        And is that not the most wondrous thing too really feel and know. There is no enemy!. Just that realization says it all so much. And through that…. we can see, feel and know for real that only LOVE is real and only LOVE matters. The rest is just teaching stuff and excess baggage.
        So freeing ❤ ❤ ❤

        Much LOVE,
        Mirjam( Sunshine)


  4. Just love this… so valuable… so wise …. so true…. we only get to the light through the dark…. positive thinking can actually make you sicker. There is a great chapter on how damaging it is in Gabor Mate’s book.. When The Body Says No,…. we may need to experience the really deep dark emotions in order to heal We can never truly heal by repressing them and being told to “be more positive” which means people want you to go even further into denial.


    • Hi Deborah!
      Absolutely! Part of the healing can include experiencing the dark emotions. It’s like popping a zit. Gross. But also discernment. That’s one of my new favorite words. Knowing when the zit has been popped and squeezed of it’s yuck . . . and now needs tender, loving care and a Band-Aid to let it finish healing. THEN focus on positive vibes surrounding that area in order to keep the weakened area strong until fully healed and to help prevent a relapse. Okay, the zit scenario doesn’t exactly fit, but I’m sure you understand what I’m getting at.

      It’s more of a situation of actually paying attention to what’s really going on and what’s really needed instead of avoiding, procrastinating, letting it get worse and worse, etc. A little more difficult than a one solution fits all scenario . . . but WAY more satisfying and rewarding!

      M’kay. And sorry about the gross zit analogy.


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