Be You Now

I really push myself to expand beyond my comfort zone for these posts.  I’m starting to get a feel for the process and the feeling that comes when I’ve reached the place in me that has something that wants to be shared.  A unique combination of feelings start to unfold and I feel the usual tension in my midsection start to let go, and I literally. . . feel my being begin to expand outward past my normal limits.  My awareness becomes bigger.

Today I felt it come on during my walk.  I felt it start to happen. . . and could feel a part of me feel scared about that bigness, and try to resist or convince it to go back in its cage.  But, my bigness just held the space and said quietly . . . “Why?”  And then the Resistance was gone, seeing that Bigness meant business.

But the answer to the question of “Why?” continued to unfold in me.  Appropriately, my random song shuffle, chose an epic soundtrack.  Making it more convincing to my Bigness, that we were in some really awesome movie and walking slowly towards the viewer while explosions went off around me, and I looked more or less unaffected.  Dramatic.  Epic.  Bigness.  is quickly followed by Shame. Guilt. Smallness.

Or was.

Why?  I asked myself.  What’s wrong with it.  What’s wrong with feeling Big.  What’s wrong with any of the things we feel?  Why are they thrown around like insults?

Feeling the unique combination of feelings start to unfold, letting me know I had hit my target for today’s topic, I let my Being fan out to collect the pieces of the story that wanted to be shared today.

I saw one of the gossamer threads come back to me with a memory of a recent comment I read on another blog about their fight with mental illness.

I saw another gossamer thread come back with this blog http://aopinionatedman.com/ and http://wrongwithlife.wordpress.com/ and this one http://www.jamesaltucher.com/, all of which I had recently hopped into briefly and scanned their posts.

I felt inside of me, a feeling of “realness” and “rawness”.  I felt chills and a feeling of electrical power radiate outward, that felt good to open up to and let through instead of trying to stop it.  In that radiating feeling, and gossamer etheric threads weaving something together, I thought of my feeling bad for feeling Big.  The woman who struggled with a life of “mental illness”.  The courage of these individuals I had just come across in the last day, to speak their truth.

I felt a strength start to pour and spread in me.  Seeing someone. . . anyone speak their own truth, unapologetically. . . is so empowering.  And in that moment, I was only feeling the gossamer threads of 4 or 5 of these brave souls in that moment. . . but the quantum leap of power and strength that was to be had in the combining and networking of the few. . . was immense.  It was POWERFUL.  It brought such.pure.joy. into my being.

Each of these people are from completely different walks of life.  They each have completely different things to say.  In person, they may not give each other a 2nd glance.  But each have something to offer all of us.  I could feel the energy of one come into me like a part of a song, and then the next came in and weaved itself into the song. . . and the next.  I could feel the commonality between all of them. . . their truth. . . the song that is released into the unseen when each is speaking their truth, whatever that truth is. . . weaves itself together and in the process. . . strengthens the whole.

In that moment, I got to stand in the middle of it, with my Bigness hanging out having a heyday.  I got to see it and feel it with all of my sensitivity that I realized was actually a gift.

There are some pretty good movies out there, with great special effects.  But they ain’t got NOTHING on this.

I felt I belonged on the set of Avatar.

All of this, while I’m walking through a busy downtown.  The bigness, the swirls of energy around me, the connections, the strength found in each person who speaks their truth and the collected strength we all gain from them.  The songs, beauty, joy that it weaves into the etheric.

In the unseen spectacle that was unfolding all around and within me, I felt acceptance of all that I was.  I did not feel sorry about any of the things that make up me.  How I can sometimes be “too much”.  That I can be intense.  That I can be stubborn.  That I can be DRAMATIC.  That I offend.  That I am loud.  That I am emotional.  That I am sensitive.

And with that acceptance, I was able to release all judgments of myself and others.  Because the immensity of beauty and power that came from people being real, made me only love all of those differences in them.  And how alone, they may not make any sense, but from the view of how they fit with the others. . . I saw that each was perfect.  And only seeing it from my Bigness, was I able to see and understand just how perfect and precise each person was.  Each complimented the other in ways that could never have been guessed at the individual level.

We don’t need to change each other.  We don’t need to fix anything.  Let go of thinking that if others would do this or that, *then* things would be better for all of us.  We *only* need to be who WE are inside.  Be ALL of who you are.  Embrace it, love it, share it.  Bring it to the table.  Everyone.

Join, the very literal, Symphony of Life.  Finding you and being the full expression of YOU is all that is being asked.  Not what you were conditioned to think is you, not what you think you are supposed to be.  Being “good” is over rated.  Being “nice” is over rated.  Being a “giver” is over rated.  Listen inside to what you feel and let *that* out.

You will know when you’ve hit the part of you that is real, underneath all the masks and conditioning.  You will know, because it will be like a breath of fresh air.  It will be like experiencing life for the first time.  You will wish for more of it.  You will become greedy for it, because you have been starving for it.  It is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  It is like a good stretch after an awesome nap.  It will feel like you’ve finally found the road home, and as soon as you recognize it… you’ll start sprinting.

There are many of us beginning to gather on this road home.  I hope to see you there.  Your presence makes the song that much more beautiful for all of us.

Comments

  1. Sweet Jenn. This touched my heart in so many ways. and right on time too. Yeah that’s what I working on, or must i say seeing, feeling the bigness and the smallness. I feel them both. The smallness saying your worthless you need to do/be this or that to be better. The bigness saying you are so wonderful. no need to be scared of what you want to experience or what you feel curious about. its is alright. know too Love yourself all-inclusive. And also the realization that I do not need to even judge the thoughts, idea’s, conditions coming from that small-mindedness. it just does not know it all. I just have no need to believe what it tells me. And it only shows me the believes, notions, thoughts, conditions it knows from thousands or more years. from all the ways I was or people believed how you should be behaving ( past lives included). And yes that is coming to [“a theater near me/you” ] the surface now. I feel the retraction of that physically in my body, and how could I call it. “worlds conditioned small-mindedness”. The how you should be/behave and so on. I see myself as a young woman from a long time ago being judged for not having a proper relationship with man. That is still felt now in my body. Even though Now is a totally different time. I do feel her pain and her sorrow for being shut out and shamed and seen as a worthless piece of garbage.
    I also see that now i can show her, That she is loved. And that it does not matter how your relationships are. If you love it and you feel its the right way for you. That it is right.
    So in that sense i teach that part of me to let go of the past I experienced.
    And that is wonderful. So yes, I feel the spaciousness/bigness and the retractions of the smallness/conditions etc etc. its an intresting process.

    Much love,
    Mirjam( Sunshine)

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    • Jennifer Roark says:

      Hi Sunshine,
      I was really glad to read your post, even though I wasn’t able to respond right away to let you know. : )

      Well said, about not needing to judge the small-mindedness, because it does not know it all. I think some relief comes from being able to let those things go, keeping that in mind. Just hold those pieces to the side and wait for when more understanding comes while in the big-mindedness.

      And yes, yes, yes : ) – I’m so with you on feeling the restrictions and conditioning within my body. Whenever I feel any kind of illness or ailment in my body, it tells me so much information about my perception and feelings about myself and even of my response to the world out there.

      I love your attitude, “If you love it and you feel its the right way for you. That it is right.” That is so brave of you. Realizing that truth for you, and then also learning how to live that truth out loud in your life, takes incredible insight, courage, strength, belief in yourself, trust in yourself, and persistence. It makes me feel really happy for you and the success you are making on your journey.

      I am so happy you shared this!

      Love, Jennifer

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  2. Thank you so much Jenn, for your beautiful response. made me smile 🙂 and feel grateful.

    Its weird now that I know and truly feel this. it does not even feel like courageous and all those things. it just feels so natural now. But from the perspective of the “smallness”. I can see that it is courageous and all that you wrote. beautiful to see that. I can see that “small woman” glow with gratefulness. and she is speechless too. ❤

    Life just is. And we all are the storytellers. With our own way of being in the world we create all kind of different stories. from happy to sad ones and so much more in between. Even though I do not know this moment what my story is right now. The only thing I know that it is about choices from moment to moment how I want to be, see and experience the world and its teachings. What is it that i want to teach/show myself.

    I feel a bit in-between all of it now. Things I cling to, i do not cling to anymore. all is so much more free and spacious. its a bit weird. Things are shifting. But to what I do not know yet. But I feel that is up to me [all of me] to decide. So for now i give myself the space to just observe and see what bubbles up. And be curious and open to what is being shown. Within me and outside me. In the end all is within me anyway.

    I am also so happy you sharing different stories of you. That is so helping me too.
    to see where i am going to or being at. beautiful. Thank you!

    Much love,
    Mirjam( Sunshine)

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  3. Reblogged this on HarsH ReaLiTy and commented:
    I came back and read this again and really enjoyed what you wrote. Thanks for sharing this and for the kind mention again. -OM
    Note: Comments disabled here, please visit their post.

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    • Holy shish-ka-bobs you brought quite a party of people in your wake. It is my pleasure to share, and even more of a pleasure with you and others enjoying it too. {Starts pouring drinks and cues the music *oonce* *oonce* *oonce* *oonce*}

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  4. Really great blog! Thank you. I am reading a book, The Celestine Vision, by James Redfield. I am not even halfway through, but you might want to look into it. It discusses synchronicity and coincidences, I think you would like it.

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  5. Reblogged this on Books, Movies, and More and commented:
    This … This is powerful …

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  6. Reblogged this on Show Me Who You Really Are and commented:

    I know I’ve been away a little while. I’ve struggled with writing in the last year and currently in the process of rebuilding myself and confidence enough to be able to return. I’m still here, I’ve just temporarily been set back. It shouldn’t be much longer, I feel I’m nearly ready – but in the meantime, I wanted to reblog this post because it reminds me of who I am when I’m okay and at peace with myself. It makes me feel empowered because it’s something I can do to help myself that isn’t dependent on anyone else . . . to just be me with all of my heart. And really, I think with all of the fear and aftermath of the elections that others could maybe use this message too. I feel there is a misunderstanding in ‘I’m just being myself’ getting mixed up with it being okay to be an asshole, and that is absolutely wrong. That’s not the truth of you. That’s you covered up in hurt, conditioning, and muck. When you dig deep inside and discover the real you for the first time, it brings with it a sense of peace and power that borders on magical and transforms your life and world. It’s not easy to get to, otherwise we’d all be there by now. I hope this brings at least one of you some relief from all of the mayhem in recent days . . . even if just for 5 minutes. Somehow, someday, it’s really going to be okay.

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