Let Out The Flowy

As I uncover more of who I am, I am continually surprised at what I discover. Most recently, it has been about my expression.

I have been known to go into monotone dialogue. I can hold myself very stiff and straight. Everything about how I hold myself and the way I feel it in my body, is about restraint and control. And today, I asked myself. . . why?

I only knew how to answer it by suspending the control and seeing what happened. It was a warm, sunny day. . . so it made it easier for me to do this. I had a new song on that I was really enjoying.

I slowly and evenly relinquished the constraints I tie around my body each and every day. . . and I felt movement come into them. I felt oxygen and life begin to flow through me. I felt a smile appear on my face. I felt a dance move through my arms. I felt “I must move them”.

It felt like such a relief to let it happen. It felt like taking a big breathe of fresh air after nearly drowning. I began to feel all of my senses come to life and open up like airways. I heard my voice wishing to join the song.

I felt everything so magnified, so alive. This was one of those rare moments that I wasn’t cursing my sensitivity to loud sounds, strong smells, and my intense emotions. The beauty in the feeling of giving what welled up in me natural expression, felt like what I had been waiting to do for decades. To stretch my limbs, to let it come out how it wanted to.

I had a moment of thinking, “what if someone sees me doing this, looking like an idiot” and I quickly over rode it…because that’s exactly why I don’t ever do it. It never feels like it is the appropriate time to let it out. Not at work, not while out in public, not while in line at the grocery store, not while shopping at the mall, not while eating at a restaurant.

And then I knew. . . I knew why I talked in monotone. I knew why I held myself so straight and still… because I *always* feel movement in me. I always feel a dance, a song, a silly expression, a funny voice wanting to flow out of me. So, it comes from a lifetime of holding in my natural way of being.

Later this evening, on a walk to my car, I had my trusty ipod playing in my ears to block out the overstimulation to my senses of the world around me. And I felt that flowy feeling wanting to come out. It was dark by this time, and I thought, “Let’s practice making a fool out of ourselves.”

So, I let it go where it wanted to go. My left arm flowed out, like it wanted to be a ballerina. And I felt my spirit inside approve by rising. My hand wanted to do some little hand swirls and help my arm swing back in. I felt myself give in to this beautiful feeling of being freed at last. A confidence came into my stride. One that is of happiness, and not caring how ridiculous I was looking to anyone who might be watching.

It felt so natural to me, that I wondered how I could have ever…. ever… stopped being me. Then I tried to imagine busting out some moves in the middle of a meeting, and how humiliating it felt for anyone to ever catch me in these private moments. And then I thought how tired and uncomfortable (and exhausting) it feels to keep these expressions held in tightly. I have to make a choice. Is it more important to me to be all that I’m meant to be, or is it more important to me that I always look in control (straight, serious, stiff, tight. . . miserable)?

So. . . here’s hoping I find my inner Rawr to be the flowy, expressive, silly woman that I’ve been hiding inside all of this adult seriousness.


  1. This makes me smile big…you and your ballerina arm : D Shine, baby. And Glow with the Flow – Your companion Flow-er : )

    PS: and those orbs don’t hunt themselves ; )


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