More Lead, Red Balloons Please.

Just in case I was trying to win a popularity contest, either consciously or subconsciously, I thought I’d write this post and end all chances of that happening.

But first, a little background regarding myself.  Like I said previously, I push myself to expand when I write these posts.  I’m also trying to find *my* voice underneath all of the harsh critics that rant in my head when I’m trying to write something that I know will be published.

“Is this really what *I* feel, or is this what I tell myself to play it safe or to be fair to everyone?”

Right now, I feel more of a need to be fair to me, and what I feel to be true inside of me.  I cannot express how hard this is for me to do.  We all have our inner battles we fight on a daily basis.  This is mine.  For whatever reason, whenever I’ve tried to express what I feel to be true for me, it is met with great opposition.  Minimized, ignored, overridden, dismissed, laughed at.  I went years hardly speaking at all, because I believed that the things I had to say were dumb, stupid, irrelevant.

It was my understanding, that everyone else was clued in to what was going on, and that I was hopelessly lost.  So I listened and observed.  Everything.  Decades of frantically trying to understand the world around me and my place in it before anyone caught on that I didn’t know what the fuck was going on.  Trying to understand how to vocalize my inner world, in a way that didn’t sound crazy or so that I wasn’t continually rejected every time I opened my mouth.  I’m not telling you this to call anyone out, or for anyone to feel ashamed.  I’m telling you so that you have some frame of reference for where I’m coming from.

I want to overcome this battle in me.  I want myself to know that the things I feel matter too.  That I cannot control how anyone responds to what I say, but that doesn’t mean that I should keep quiet from fear of it.  Or that what I feel is any less important than what others feel.  It is up to me to win this battle, not anyone else.  So, don’t feel you need to respond any other way, than how *you* truly feel.  In fact, I insist on it.  I prefer it.  Believe in me enough, to know that I will figure out how to handle it with grace in my own way and in my own time . . . and I will do the same for you.

But back to my impending social suicide.

People, we have an epidemic/hostage situation.  The country has been taken over by two perpetrators known as “think positive” and “you create your own reality”.

It has become a pretty serious situation.

Some of the consequences include (but are not limited to) denial, uninvited impromptu lectures, repression, oppression, obliviousness, unhappiness, disappointment, unkindness, coldness, division, holier-than-thou syndrome, deafness, passive aggressiveness, passive victimhoodness, apathy, avoidance, loss of sense of humor, political correctness insanity, and anal leakage.

Since these two perps have taken over, the world has gone to shit, despite their claims of making all of our dreams come true.  Scientists are baffled.

The crime they are being charged with, is trying to force humanity to fly. . . before they had learned how to walk.  And giving matches to children.  And painting the world in black and white. . . or only white (there’s no black if you don’t think about it).  And for being lazy and trying to skip completely over the whole “discernment” bother.

Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying.  I’m not ignorant of the situation.  I’m very clear on what is going on.

It may have started off well intentioned.  But it has now just become one more thing to slap each other in the face with.  And btw, I do believe in being optimistic, and I do believe in creating your own reality.

But, here’s where I enthusiastically and unapologetically start going over like a lead, red balloon:

Creating your own reality is a privilege that is earned, and a natural byproduct of having done the hard work of healing yourself.  They don’t just hand that shit out to anybody.  And guess what?  It means taking a long, hard, honest look at the parts of you that you don’t even want to acknowledge are there.  It means getting into the dirty, grimy, nasty, smelly cracks and crevices of your being . . . and bringing them to Light.

Humble yourself.

Forgive yourself.

Love yourself.

And not with the intention of finding a cracker jack prize at the end.  Because if you do it for any other reason than what is Real or True, you will *not* find what you are looking for.  You can fool your family, you can fool me, you can fool yourself, but you will not fool the Energy or whatever name you choose to call it by, that is in charge of and responsible for this process in this existence.  I don’t care how brilliant you think you are.

We all want to avoid what is considered negative or “bad” things in life.  They are most unpleasant, I agree.

But what if the gold you are looking for, is hiding within that darkness?  That the darkness is there, because it’s hiding the doorway out of the insane asylum.  That you must walk through it, in order to get off the hamster wheel?

And then, what if you knew, that the dark fog was nothing but smoke and mirrors.  That it has NO true power over you.  All that it can do is use your own shadows and weaknesses against you.  Whether you have acknowledged those fears or shadows in you or not. . . *It* knows what they are.  And that’s where only thinking positive and not acknowledging those things in yourself, can really fuck you up.  It will always have an advantage over you, and be one step ahead of you. . . forever dangling that carrot in front of you making you think you’re making progress… but naaaaaah, not really.

“Hahahahahahaha.  Noob.”, it says as it tosses another cheeto into its mouth.

This was the path required of me in this life.  It has been cold.  It has been dark.  It has been lonely.  It has been painful.  And I have suffered greatly.

But I have learned how to call on strength and courage, even when I’m ready to piss myself.  I am learning the value of All of my strong emotions.  I have learned how to dance in the Dark and how to sing while in Pain.  I know resilience.  The words Faith, Trust, and Openness mean something completely new to me.  I’ve learned how to open my Heart, even as my Personal Demons are charging straight towards me.

I value laughter.

I have seen the most beautiful things, in the darkest of moments.

I know what’s really important in life and what is trivial.  The government and commercials would have me believe otherwise.

I will not laugh at your weaknesses.  I will love your quirks.  If you want, I will hold your hand when you’re scared.  I will hold the light for you while you walk through the dark, but I will not walk the path for you.  I think it’s a great idea to be allowed to make a lot of mistakes before you finally get it right.

I will hold you to who you really are inside, and not necessarily the one you pretend to be.

Even if it makes you hate me.  Because it’s more important to me that you find yourself again, and in doing so. . . find real happiness.

After all, this isn’t a popularity contest.

Be Real.

Be You Now

I really push myself to expand beyond my comfort zone for these posts.  I’m starting to get a feel for the process and the feeling that comes when I’ve reached the place in me that has something that wants to be shared.  A unique combination of feelings start to unfold and I feel the usual tension in my midsection start to let go, and I literally. . . feel my being begin to expand outward past my normal limits.  My awareness becomes bigger.

Today I felt it come on during my walk.  I felt it start to happen. . . and could feel a part of me feel scared about that bigness, and try to resist or convince it to go back in its cage.  But, my bigness just held the space and said quietly . . . “Why?”  And then the Resistance was gone, seeing that Bigness meant business.

But the answer to the question of “Why?” continued to unfold in me.  Appropriately, my random song shuffle, chose an epic soundtrack.  Making it more convincing to my Bigness, that we were in some really awesome movie and walking slowly towards the viewer while explosions went off around me, and I looked more or less unaffected.  Dramatic.  Epic.  Bigness.  is quickly followed by Shame. Guilt. Smallness.

Or was.

Why?  I asked myself.  What’s wrong with it.  What’s wrong with feeling Big.  What’s wrong with any of the things we feel?  Why are they thrown around like insults?

Feeling the unique combination of feelings start to unfold, letting me know I had hit my target for today’s topic, I let my Being fan out to collect the pieces of the story that wanted to be shared today.

I saw one of the gossamer threads come back to me with a memory of a recent comment I read on another blog about their fight with mental illness.

I saw another gossamer thread come back with this blog http://aopinionatedman.com/ and http://wrongwithlife.wordpress.com/ and this one http://www.jamesaltucher.com/, all of which I had recently hopped into briefly and scanned their posts.

I felt inside of me, a feeling of “realness” and “rawness”.  I felt chills and a feeling of electrical power radiate outward, that felt good to open up to and let through instead of trying to stop it.  In that radiating feeling, and gossamer etheric threads weaving something together, I thought of my feeling bad for feeling Big.  The woman who struggled with a life of “mental illness”.  The courage of these individuals I had just come across in the last day, to speak their truth.

I felt a strength start to pour and spread in me.  Seeing someone. . . anyone speak their own truth, unapologetically. . . is so empowering.  And in that moment, I was only feeling the gossamer threads of 4 or 5 of these brave souls in that moment. . . but the quantum leap of power and strength that was to be had in the combining and networking of the few. . . was immense.  It was POWERFUL.  It brought such.pure.joy. into my being.

Each of these people are from completely different walks of life.  They each have completely different things to say.  In person, they may not give each other a 2nd glance.  But each have something to offer all of us.  I could feel the energy of one come into me like a part of a song, and then the next came in and weaved itself into the song. . . and the next.  I could feel the commonality between all of them. . . their truth. . . the song that is released into the unseen when each is speaking their truth, whatever that truth is. . . weaves itself together and in the process. . . strengthens the whole.

In that moment, I got to stand in the middle of it, with my Bigness hanging out having a heyday.  I got to see it and feel it with all of my sensitivity that I realized was actually a gift.

There are some pretty good movies out there, with great special effects.  But they ain’t got NOTHING on this.

I felt I belonged on the set of Avatar.

All of this, while I’m walking through a busy downtown.  The bigness, the swirls of energy around me, the connections, the strength found in each person who speaks their truth and the collected strength we all gain from them.  The songs, beauty, joy that it weaves into the etheric.

In the unseen spectacle that was unfolding all around and within me, I felt acceptance of all that I was.  I did not feel sorry about any of the things that make up me.  How I can sometimes be “too much”.  That I can be intense.  That I can be stubborn.  That I can be DRAMATIC.  That I offend.  That I am loud.  That I am emotional.  That I am sensitive.

And with that acceptance, I was able to release all judgments of myself and others.  Because the immensity of beauty and power that came from people being real, made me only love all of those differences in them.  And how alone, they may not make any sense, but from the view of how they fit with the others. . . I saw that each was perfect.  And only seeing it from my Bigness, was I able to see and understand just how perfect and precise each person was.  Each complimented the other in ways that could never have been guessed at the individual level.

We don’t need to change each other.  We don’t need to fix anything.  Let go of thinking that if others would do this or that, *then* things would be better for all of us.  We *only* need to be who WE are inside.  Be ALL of who you are.  Embrace it, love it, share it.  Bring it to the table.  Everyone.

Join, the very literal, Symphony of Life.  Finding you and being the full expression of YOU is all that is being asked.  Not what you were conditioned to think is you, not what you think you are supposed to be.  Being “good” is over rated.  Being “nice” is over rated.  Being a “giver” is over rated.  Listen inside to what you feel and let *that* out.

You will know when you’ve hit the part of you that is real, underneath all the masks and conditioning.  You will know, because it will be like a breath of fresh air.  It will be like experiencing life for the first time.  You will wish for more of it.  You will become greedy for it, because you have been starving for it.  It is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  It is like a good stretch after an awesome nap.  It will feel like you’ve finally found the road home, and as soon as you recognize it… you’ll start sprinting.

There are many of us beginning to gather on this road home.  I hope to see you there.  Your presence makes the song that much more beautiful for all of us.

Furreals.

Earthquakes, sinkholes, meteorites, political madness, taxes, downward spiral of the economy, unemployment, crop failures, tornadoes, hurricanes, volcanoes, landslides, dying trees, solar flares, unpredictable weather, animal die-offs, shifting magnetic field, radiation poisoning, warfare, nukes, people losing their minds, the cost of oil, stock markets, gun control, religious fervor, terrorism, ufo sightings. . .

I don’t know about you, but I’m all apocalypsed out.

And I hope you can forgive me, but I’m having a *moment*.

I’m just sick of it.  And I’m not talking about the chaos.  The chaos, I get.  But, what I *don’t* get, is how in the f#!ck do we all manage to keep going business as usual, as if nothing is happening.  How is that happening?!

I’m going to let you in on a little secret.  Something is going on.  Something on a global level.  AND.  We are not being told the truth about what it is.  You have to be feeling it by now.  I know I’m hyper-sensitive and all, but please tell me that you’re at least aware at some level that something is going on?

If you only believe what your 5 senses tell you, then you are going to continue to be more and more in the dark about the true nature of what is happening around us.  This is a great time to start getting comfortable and warm and fuzzy with your feelings, and get plugged back into your heart.  The only place that you’re going to find out the truth of what is happening, is by listening to your own inner guidance.  Because I can tell you right now, the amount of garbage information being spewed out in the world at the moment is only going to confuse the hell out of you.

And it’s also a great time to figure out what is truly, TRULY important to you, and start LIVING by those values.  Don’t just talk about what is important to you.  Live it.  Be bold.  Change.  Find the courage in yourself to be someone you can be proud of.

If you currently feel that something out “there” in the world is going to help fill that feeling of un-satisfaction in you, or heal your broken heart, or make you feel more complete, you are sadly mistaken.  And you are running out of time to change it.

Getting that promotion at work isn’t going to do it.  Making more money isn’t going to do it.  Even being able to pay your bills isn’t going to do it.  It isn’t about achieving or obtaining anything, it is a state of mind.  I’ve been homeless and starving as a single mom… more than once.  And yes, it was great to get some food… that totally helped… but even after having enough money to rent an apartment and put food in my shelves… it did not make me feel better about life or myself.  It did raise my spirits, yes.  But the hurt in me, that put me in an emotional place that resulted in me becoming homeless and starving, was still there even after I had a place to live and food to eat.

What is missing and what you are looking for is your heart and your soul.  You will not find that in a can of soup, let me tell ya.

Quit kidding yourselves.  It is time to wake the fuck up.

Of all of the stuff happening in the world right now, which will only continue to escalate. . . how much control do you have over it?  Can you single-handedly stop it?  Probably not.  Ok, then what scares you the most about it (and if you’re not feeling at least some concern, you might want to check your pulse).

What seems to be people’s main focus when faced with all of this, is death.  Either of themselves or of their loved ones.  Or of people trying to take their stuff or not having enough stuff to survive.  Or being helpless or hopeless to do anything at all.

You need to remember yourselves.  You need to remember what’s truly, truly important.  What can you take with you when you die?  Can you take your job title?  Your bank account?  Your house?  Your clothes?  If you can’t take it with you when you die. . . then it is of no lasting importance.

When you are in touch with yourself, your feelings, your heart, your soul – then you begin to lose your fear – because you begin to understand and feel, for yourself, that you are eternal.  Your consciousness does not die when you do.  There is much, much more to existence than this plane.  There *is* life after we leave here.  And there is contact between the two places.  But you have to be in touch with the part of yourself that you have been hiding or denying all this time.  Your loved ones that have gone before you, are still alive.  You *will* see them again.

When you start to remember, and feel it fully within your body, that you do not blink out of existence at the end of this life – then you begin to lose fear of what is happening in the world.  You begin to find your center and the peace within, even as chaos swirls around you. . . because you know that you and everyone you love. . . is forever.  This?  All of this on Earth?  It is but a temporary part of our existence.

And at the end of this life, whenever that may be, I can promise you. . . that you aren’t going to care about 90% of the stuff that has your panties in a bunch right now.  Being on time to meetings, spending that extra hour or two at work, having a big title, a full bank account. . . those things aren’t even going to register.  But living in your heart, being kind and open, being forgiving of yourself and others, slowing down to appreciate what is beautiful. . .THOSE are the things that will fill you with satisfaction at a life well lived.

I’m not saying that we’re all going to die suddenly.  I’m not saying that we aren’t.  I’m saying, it’s time to know what is really important in our lives and start living from there regardless of what happens, because that is the only place you’re going to be finding stable ground and sanity in the coming months and years.  And it takes time, practice, and patience to figure out what that means to a person and to put it into practice.

The more people that do it, the easier it is for others to do the same.  A ripple effect.

You don’t have to rip your world apart or quit your job.  It can be as simple as making different decisions on how you use your time.  Learn to say no.  Learn to ask for help.  Be honest with yourself.  Pay attention to your emotions.  If you respond in a strong emotion like  anger, it doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with *you*, it means that *something* is wrong and needs your attention.  Our emotions are like a thermometer of what’s going on with us behind the scenes, but they are not our identity.  Don’t be afraid to go in there and find out what the problem is under the hood when the maintenance light comes on, just don’t think that the maintenance light *is* you.

Love and feel warmth.

Feel through the illusion of this world, and live from where it’s real.

Giving the "I know you aren't trying to sneak a picture of me" look

There Are More Things in Heaven and Earth. . .

Sometimes I feel I am my own worst enemy.  I can work my inner world up into a lather over nothing.  Add in a little sleep deprivation and I’m ready for my own spotlight in a three-ring circus.

Instead of seeing a world of potential friends, I see a world of people that I need to defend myself against.  As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, people scare me.  And I want to understand more about that, because it greatly affects how I live my life and my day-to-day decisions.  It colors my whole world.  I’m actually pretty happy to even be aware of this feeling.  It’s one of my “blind” spots. . . I used to have no idea that this was my basic approach to life.

When I say people scare me, I don’t mean when I see a person I tremble and run and hide and quiver.  What I mean, is when I’m interacting with people, there is this basic instinct to put up a steel wall to protect myself. . . as if every person I  meet is actively trying to kill me.  I know.  A bit extreme.  But there it is.

So I want to try and talk through it right now to see if I can help understand it better, and I’d like to share with you as I do this.  Because I don’t want walls up between me and others anymore. . . it’s way too lonely.  (Learning from my son.)   : )

Inside of me is a super, duper, hyper-sensitive vulnerable person.  I feel everything around me.  I feel other’s feelings as if they were my own, and in fact, it took many years of observation and discipline to separate out what things in me were mine and what belonged to my environment and others.

If I walk into a room that at one point had something traumatic or intense happen (such as a very angry/aggressive fight) I will pick it up in my body.  I will feel the anger or rage expressed, and I will also simultaneously feel helpless and scared (whoever was being raged at) as if they were my own.  You can imagine the insanity a person would live with if they were unaware that they were picking up on something in their environment.

The same with people.  When I was 16, it seemed to sharpen considerably.  I first noticed something was “weird” about me when I hopped onto a transit bus.  There were about 3 other people sitting far away from each other.  I was feeling particularly sensitive this day.  I walked past the first person, and I was hit with what felt like a very thick, black blanket of depression and hopelessness.  I physically felt myself be pushed towards the ground as if gravity had suddenly increased strength.  I felt like I was shoved into a black pit of heavy emotions.  I had tears spring in my eyes and I kind of wanted to die just to make it go away.

I kept walking down the aisle of the bus, and came across another person on my left.  I was suddenly lifted from the dark, black, heavy hole into one of lightness and even a feeling of wanting to hum a tune and bob my head as I did so.

I kept walking and passed the third person.  I suddenly felt less like humming and felt my whole body tighten up.  I felt the warmth leave my body and I felt anxiety and fear.  I even felt some paranoia.  I wanted to run and hide.

So I just kept going all the way to the back of the bus and sat down.  And kind of freaking out because at the time, I had no idea what had just happened.  I was feeling a little bit crazy.  I didn’t figure it out that day, but as I sat on the back of the bus, I took in all of the information of the situation so that later I could continue to work out what had happened.  Now, it seems obvious… but at the time, the idea that a person even *could* feel other people as themselves, wasn’t even a part of my understanding of reality.

So, I can see how this set me up to instinctively put up a guard whenever I’m around other people.  I spent decades first understanding my sensitivity, and then learning discernment between all of the things I picked up and experienced, understanding who I was underneath all of these things I picked up (and had previously thought *was* me), and now. . . I’m trying to learn how to be me, even as I walk into a world that bombards my senses, and not become overwhelmed and lose myself again.

It can happen in a second.  When I’m talking to people, I’m picking up an insane amount of energetic information.  Trying to hold onto my own feelings and thoughts and who I know myself to be, while simultaneously picking up the things they are feeling and experiencing can feel downright impossible.  When I’m talking to a person, I actually have a lot going on inside of me that I’m trying to manage on top of trying to be present and listening to the person.

I’m continuously processing all of the energetic information as quickly and efficiently as possible so that it doesn’t overwhelm me.  So that I can, for the most part, look like a normal, sane person.  And I can quickly become scared if I start feeling overwhelmed and like I’m starting to lose the feeling of myself.  This is where I start getting defensive.  This is where I’ll start snapping at people.

Learning boundaries and how to speak up for myself (that I even have a right to speak up) has been my saving grace.  When I say, “Please give me a moment to process this.”, I’m not trying to be difficult or even contemplative, I’m trying to catch up in filtering through all the information flooding all of my senses and that I’m not *able* to continue conversation, etc.  If the person insists, I don’t hear a single thing they say because I’m in full processing mode.  You know like when your computer says all the resources are in use and it freezes… that’s what is happening to me.

And some of the fear when interacting with people, is that I don’t feel confident that I know how to handle the situation when these things happen to me.  I don’t feel like explaining to every Tom, Dick, and Harry about my sensitivities.  But I don’t know how to explain why I have to do things like I do things without looking like a stubborn ass.  But I’m so tired of trying to pretend that I’m not dealing with all of this all of the time, and I’m so tired of being misunderstood.

How do you explain to a world that only appreciates and believes in things that are picked up by the 5 senses, that you are constantly aware and sense a whole ‘nother world and not be laughed at or dismissed or minimized?  I can see, smell, hear, see, feel things that a good majority of the planet is in debate about  even existing.

By day, I’m a digital analyst.  I have a good head on my shoulders.  I’m very grounded in this world.  But.  There is far more to this reality than you can even imagine.  There is a whole *unseen* aspect that is completely dismissed in mainstream culture.  By doing so, we are dismissing a great deal of who we are too.  We are not just the things our 5 senses pick up.  We are far, far more than that.

So, I think my fear of people, is that when I’m around them, I feel like I have to hide (bury, kill?) half of who I am.  And I’m reaching a point where I can’t stand to do that anymore.  But there’s no vocabulary or dialogue to have those conversations and not make it awkward.  How do we bridge the gap between the two and make both a part of our everyday life?

Maybe that’s what I’m here to do.  Maybe that’s been the point all along of me being so grounded and of a scientific nature on one hand, but also being very aware of the energetic world and how it interfaces with “reality” and all the things believed impossible in our world.  It’s very much like seeing “the man behind the curtain”.

I don’t really know yet what my purpose is.  I’m just speculating and finding my way in the dark like everyone else.  And following the bread crumbs.  I know that it is very stressful for me to be around people for too long, and now I have a better understanding of why.  I know that I don’t want to feel lonely anymore and want to put my defenses down.  And I know that I can’t sacrifice or deny half of who I am.  Which means. . . I have to learn a new way of being.  I have to learn how to be all of me, even as I interact with people from all walks of life, in a way that is respectful and loving.

This is what I need in order to be able to live a life of just being who I am, so that I can put down my guard around others, without fear of losing myself . . . and start seeing a world of potential friends.

Thanks for sitting with me as I talked through this.  This learning how to put my guard down is pretty scary (terrifying) for me, and you being here helps me learn how to do that in a safe environment.  Here, have a { {H u g} }.

And here’s something just for giggles:

Apathy and Irony

When my eyes popped open this morning, the first thing I was feeling was that I wanted to change everything in my room.  Stuff has been the way it is in my room for years.  However, once my brain had a chance to kick in, I was plagued by a million reasons that was *not* going to happen today (or maybe ever).

Awww, but how come? : (

The word that came to mind was, apathy.  In fact that word has been creeping into my thoughts and conversations more and more in the last week.  I know basically what it means, but anytime a specific word decides to make a repeated appearance in my life, I figure I better give it some love and look it up.

Dictionary.com http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/apathy  says:

ap·a·thy

[ap-uh-thee]
noun, plural ap·a·thies.

1.  absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement.
2.  lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting.

Ok, so I knew it was an absence of passion, emotion, etc… but interesting about the suppression of it.  I can definitely identify with that.  I have an overabundance of all of those things.  But, for the most part, I don’t know how to utilize that energy effectively around others.  Combine that with a tendency towards trying to push the spotlight away from myself in a panic (ack! please don’t see me!), and you’ve got yourself a recipe for suppression. . . apathy.

Well, cool.  I mean, yeah, I can see why this word is making itself known to me.

Still curious so let’s see what wikipedia has to say about it http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apathy :

They may lack a sense of purpose or meaning in their life. He or she may also exhibit insensibility or sluggishness.

Huh. Ok, well, what else?

In 1950, US novelist John Dos Passos wrote: “Apathy is one of the characteristic responses of any living organism when it is subjected to stimuli too intense or too complicated to cope with.   The cure for apathy is comprehension.

I’m intrigued, go on.

Social origin

There may be other things contributing to a person’s apathy. Activist David Meslin argues that people often care, and that apathy is often the result of social systems actively obstructing engagement and involvement. He describes various obstacles that prevent people from knowing how or why they might get involved in something. Meslin focuses on design choices that unintentionally or intentionally exclude people. These include: capitalistic media systems that have no provisions for ideas that are not immediately (monetarily) profitable, government and political media (e.g. notices) that make it difficult for potentially interested individuals to find relevant information, and media portrayals of heroes as “chosen” by outside forces rather than self-motivated. He moves that we redefine social apathy to think of it, not as a population that is stupid or lazy, but as result of poorly designed systems that fail to invite others to participate.[5][6]

Well.  That’s not what I was expecting to find when I went to find the definition of apathy.  That did a little circling around the entrance of the rabbit hole.

I love it.

This gives me something to chew on.  Before looking up what it meant, my impression of apathy was just losing that *spark* in life.  Doldrums.  Repetitive schedules that just continue on forever, and nothing ever changes…not really…so why bother.  A simple lack of passion.

But a suppression of passion, emotion, excitement… in a world full of overstimulation and intensity … and an economy that is only interested in input and contribution from its people that will make an immediate profit. . . now *that* shines some light on it for me.

What is important to me?  It’s kind of hard to know, because it’s kind of hard to hear through all of the busyness.  From morning, noon, and night, I’m bombarded with things trying to get my attention.  Me, as a person, is looked right through. . . as the things that bombard me are focused on what it is they stand to gain by getting my attention.  Trying to tell me what it is I need, want, should have, should do.  As if I have no needs, wants, would like to-dos of my own.  I am not a resource, number, target, or commodity.  I am a god.damn.human.being.

And as a human being I have feelings and emotions.  And no, they aren’t always rational or logical.  I think the biggest scam on the planet, is in getting us to believe that being strictly rational is equivalent to being civilized or advanced.  Denying our emotions and feelings, does NOT make them go away.  It just erupts in other, more “acceptable” ways. . . like . . . oh, I don’t know… WAR?

In our attempt to compartmentalize ourselves (keep work at work, and personal stuff at home) and be civil (calm down! and carry on.) and unoffensive to everyone (you know how sensitive those vertically challenged people can be), we have lost ourselves and who we are inside.  If being strictly intellectual and “scientific” is so civilized. . . then explain to me why the whole goddamn planet is falling apart, and very few people are happy?

I don’t WANT to compartmentalize myself anymore.  I am who I am, where ever I am, whenever I am, however I am.  I *want* to be able to feel strongly about something and not be ostracized from society.  I *want* to care out loud a lot.  I want to cry in public, and not feel like an emotional leper.  I want to sing when the moment comes upon me, and I want to dance when I get a case of the wiggles.  If I could break out into a full blown, goddamn musical in the middle of downtown, I would do it!

I am FULL of life!  I am a passionate woman!  I have joy, enthusiasm, and happiness just waiting to explode and share with every person who wants it.  I care.  I love.  I feel.  I am alive!  I make mistakes dramatically.  I laugh as fully and loudly as possible.  I take risks!  I try to make a complete and total ass of myself on a regular basis.  I am the world’s biggest goofball.  I am silly.  I have weird ideas. I’m scared of really dumb things.  I am idealistic.  I have dreams.  I have visions.  I have hope.  I have faith.  I believe in magic.  I believe in the impossible.  I do the impossible.  I think Excel spreadsheets are pretty damn cool.  I talk to my cats like they’re people.

I see so many opportunities and possibilities for things to be different and better.  I want to help be a part of that solution.  I want everybody to be able to laugh when they want and cry when they want.  I want everyone to find happiness.  I want everyone to know the joy of being who they are without judgement or fault.  I want everyone to be able to feel and to love and to be loved.  I want everyone to know what they want and what they value and be able to live a life that matches those things.  I want everyone to feel whole within themselves.  I want everyone to know peace and content.  I want everyone to feel self empowered and respected.  I want everyone to feel heard.

But most of all, I want everyone to feel that they have been seen and loved, for who they truly are.

I’m pretty sure that’ll help out with the apathy part.  : D

Turtle Rawr

To Love and Be Loved

I had an interesting experience last night that I would like to share.  I hope I am able to describe the subtle yet powerful impact it had on me.

It had been a long day.  I was in my room getting ready for bed (avoiding a book I’ve been reading because I didn’t want to stay up until 2am again).  I’ve had a lot of big life changes happening.  Every aspect of my life is in transition. Not a whole lot of “familiar” or certainty or stable ground.  Which I think is exactly the point.  Learning to find peace and steadiness within myself, even as chaos erupts around me.

I found myself just standing in front of my bookcase.  I was tired, and it felt good to just stand and zone out for a moment.  Something my son had made me when he was younger, caught my attention.  It was his name in black and red plastic letters.  Something *pinged* me inside my heart center and radiated out.  I was suddenly alert and paying attention, like I was waiting for an incoming message.

Then I looked next to the letters, and saw a wooden box my son had made at the same time.  Rubberbanded to the top was a paper that said, “Best mom ever!”  I felt something ping me again from inside and radiate out, only louder and with stronger feeling.  I was feeling the energy and air around me start to shift to one of holding a space for a *moment* that was currently in progress.

. . .

Then my attention shifted to a picture of my fiancé, Jay,  smiling at me.

Netherlands Aug 2012 159

I felt the pinging and radiating feeling get bigger, stronger, and louder.

. . .

I looked again at the gifts from my son:

PING

. . .

Back to the picture of Jay:

Netherlands Aug 2012 159

. . .

. . .

And that’s when the full impact of the *moment* pulsed like a sledgehammer through my whole being.

In those pulses that were pinging and radiating out from me, I momentarily felt myself from the perspective of my son and Jay.  I felt as if I was in their body, looking out from their eyes and looking at me standing in front of them.  It was not a perspective that I have of myself at all.  I had never seen myself in this way.

I had a brightness around me, and I had the cheesiest grin on my face.  My world felt warmer, brighter, safer, more fun.  Things didn’t seem so bad after all.  I felt like maybe the world *was* a place worth being in.  I couldn’t stop myself from wanting to grin in response to seeing her… me.  I felt gratefulness for her… me, being in my/their life.  I could feel her/my love for me/them through them/me.  There was a plethora of emotions and feelings that I’ll never be able to put into words.

Then I experienced their world and what it would look like if I were to suddenly leave this world.  I was experiencing the difference between the two perspectives (their world with me in it, and then their world with me gone). . . because it was in that difference, that the full impact of how much I meant to them was realized.

I felt firsthand, their love for me.  And it brought me to my knees.  I was punched so hard that I bypassed the “tears welling up slowly” part, and went straight to the throes of a deep, throw up your insides, bawling.

I  knew that I was loved before, and that they love me.  But, what I experienced last night, makes what I *thought* was feeling loved… look like child’s play.  It was like I had gone from a world of black and white, to one of mind shredding, heart exploding, ego shattering Vibrant and Luminescent Colors.

They say in life, that the greatest thing is to love and be loved.

First, I learned how to Love myself.

Then I learned how to Love someone else.

Then I learned how to be Loved by another.

May each of us. . .every man, woman, and child know what it feels like to be Loved.

Greatest.Mother’s Day.Gift.Ever.

I’m currently in the middle of a heart swelling, this is what makes it all worth it, moment.  My son, who will be 18 this year, has just totally blown my mind.  He has had a rough last couple of weeks, stuff just blowing up around him with his friends and his girlfriend.  But watching how he has been dealing with it, has been nothing less than beautiful.  That’s not to mean that he didn’t have emotional blow ups with them, or that he hasn’t gone through a good case of the grumps.  But the overall process and grace of how he has consciously chosen to deal with it. . . is breathtaking to behold.

He didn’t harden up, he didn’t shut himself down, he didn’t close his mind and his heart even though that would have been much more preferable than dealing with the extremely uncomfortable feelings all of this was having on him.  I’m sure he had moments where he *did* do those things. . . but one of the amazing things is that he didn’t stay in those places.

He took a very real, honest look at the situations that were happening around him, including his part in them.  He humbled himself.  I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a teenage boy genuinely humble himself, but it’s nothing less than shocking and heart swelling.

Yesterday, being Mother’s Day, he was making a huge attempt to be thoughtful of me.  I loved his effort.  This, on top of what he has been dealing with in his own life personally.  So during a conversation, he kind of snapped back at me – and in a way that made me raise an eyebrow, shut up, and decide that I needed a few moments to calm down before I attempted to communicate anything else.

Normally, this is where he shuts down and goes into his room.  But, he was summoning strength from somewhere deep in himself to not respond in this way.  After a few moments he said he was sorry and then started explaining the incredibly mature insights he had started to see and understand from some self reflection in regards to his recent experiences.

He recognized that he had trouble communicating with others, and how not communicating with people is what makes him feel isolated and alone in things.  “Apparently, communicating is important.”  : D  He said that he is consciously trying to communicate out to others what he is experiencing, but that it’s really tough for him because he has difficulty communicating and it can be misunderstood.  I told him that if the person he was talking to, was worth anything, just by him being open and expressing that he’s in the process of learning how to communicate more effectively, that more than likely they’ll have patience and hold the space for him to do so.   He was also aware that he may start to forget this valuable lesson, but that life always has a way of bringing it back around to remind you, and that he will be patient with himself in this process.

I’m paraphrasing what was said, and the conversation went much deeper, and was just something else to behold.  When did my boy go and grow up on me?

This morning as I was driving to school, he was keeping true to his commitment to keep communicating and not shut people out.  He kept his ipod off, and he continued saying the things on his mind, and allowing me to do the same.  Learning how to listen, and to communicate.  Wow.  I had so much mommy love welling up in me, that I hardly knew what to do with myself.

And just when I thought he couldn’t surprise me anymore than he already had, he said something that really hit home for me.  He said that he had been trying to think of what to do for Mother’s Day, and wasn’t really coming up with anything. . . so he decided that the best thing he knew to do, was to become a better Bjorn.

O.O

Oh my god.  It all hit me at once, his genuineness, his humbling experience, his seeing to the center and truth of where many of his problems stem from and then consciously choosing a new way… a brave way… and acting on it… was his Mother’s Day gift to me.

What in the hell did I do to deserve such an amazing, mind blowing, loving, thoughtful, kind son? (Insert insane bawling here)  I am so grateful, and so appreciative for what I received.  I told him, that it was the most thoughtful Mother’s Day gift in all of humanity.  (I know that doesn’t necessarily make sense, but it’s what came out.)

The maturity, the grace, the love, the courage & bravery, thoughtfulness, wisdom, and just outright beauty of the gift that he gave me is beyond words and feelings.  If ever anyone exemplified what it meant to show who they really are inside, it was in this gift that my son gave to me.

Thank you, my dear son, for the best present you could have ever given me.  I couldn’t be prouder of you and what you’re doing for yourself and in turn for everyone else in your life.  I am proud and honored to be your mom.

Let Out The Flowy

As I uncover more of who I am, I am continually surprised at what I discover. Most recently, it has been about my expression.

I have been known to go into monotone dialogue. I can hold myself very stiff and straight. Everything about how I hold myself and the way I feel it in my body, is about restraint and control. And today, I asked myself. . . why?

I only knew how to answer it by suspending the control and seeing what happened. It was a warm, sunny day. . . so it made it easier for me to do this. I had a new song on that I was really enjoying.

I slowly and evenly relinquished the constraints I tie around my body each and every day. . . and I felt movement come into them. I felt oxygen and life begin to flow through me. I felt a smile appear on my face. I felt a dance move through my arms. I felt “I must move them”.

It felt like such a relief to let it happen. It felt like taking a big breathe of fresh air after nearly drowning. I began to feel all of my senses come to life and open up like airways. I heard my voice wishing to join the song.

I felt everything so magnified, so alive. This was one of those rare moments that I wasn’t cursing my sensitivity to loud sounds, strong smells, and my intense emotions. The beauty in the feeling of giving what welled up in me natural expression, felt like what I had been waiting to do for decades. To stretch my limbs, to let it come out how it wanted to.

I had a moment of thinking, “what if someone sees me doing this, looking like an idiot” and I quickly over rode it…because that’s exactly why I don’t ever do it. It never feels like it is the appropriate time to let it out. Not at work, not while out in public, not while in line at the grocery store, not while shopping at the mall, not while eating at a restaurant.

And then I knew. . . I knew why I talked in monotone. I knew why I held myself so straight and still… because I *always* feel movement in me. I always feel a dance, a song, a silly expression, a funny voice wanting to flow out of me. So, it comes from a lifetime of holding in my natural way of being.

Later this evening, on a walk to my car, I had my trusty ipod playing in my ears to block out the overstimulation to my senses of the world around me. And I felt that flowy feeling wanting to come out. It was dark by this time, and I thought, “Let’s practice making a fool out of ourselves.”

So, I let it go where it wanted to go. My left arm flowed out, like it wanted to be a ballerina. And I felt my spirit inside approve by rising. My hand wanted to do some little hand swirls and help my arm swing back in. I felt myself give in to this beautiful feeling of being freed at last. A confidence came into my stride. One that is of happiness, and not caring how ridiculous I was looking to anyone who might be watching.

It felt so natural to me, that I wondered how I could have ever…. ever… stopped being me. Then I tried to imagine busting out some moves in the middle of a meeting, and how humiliating it felt for anyone to ever catch me in these private moments. And then I thought how tired and uncomfortable (and exhausting) it feels to keep these expressions held in tightly. I have to make a choice. Is it more important to me to be all that I’m meant to be, or is it more important to me that I always look in control (straight, serious, stiff, tight. . . miserable)?

So. . . here’s hoping I find my inner Rawr to be the flowy, expressive, silly woman that I’ve been hiding inside all of this adult seriousness.

I Know That I’m Not Always There

This came from a place in me that was deeply wishing to tell so many people who I have met and known, how much they mean to me still.  I’ve never really been someone who stays in touch with others once life takes us in different directions.  I know how it can appear to others, and I tried to change it. But I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried.

“Am I just heartless? . . . Am I running? . . . Why am I like this?”

The answer for me, is that I still feel them with me no matter where my journey takes me.  All I have to do is think of them, and there they appear within my heart and it’s like we never parted ways.  I can literally feel their presence.  I can feel all kinds of communication going on between me and them.  Funny times we shared together, hopes, dreams, troubles, struggles…

It’s not that I no longer care about people once we’ve parted ways. . . nothing could be further from the truth.  But I know. . . I feel in a very real way, how we are always connected.  And I know and respect how we each have our path to follow, and that it may mean coming and going out of each other’s lives in order to fulfill that path. . . but we are never, ever. . . not even in death, actually apart from each other.

There are so many more ways to be in touch with each other than we’ve even begun to imagine.  So, maybe another way for me to look at it is, it’s not that I don’t contact people from my past who have gone in different directions. . . it’s just that it is in ways not yet recognized.  But until that day comes, I’d like you to know that:

I know that I’m not always there

I know that I’m not always there
And I seem to just come and go
But in my heart is a constant song singing
Of the love I feel for everyone I’ve known
This world has made fools of us all
With its fancy space and time
Distracting us from the truth in our Hearts
And our Inner Sunshine
It turns our life path invisible
And makes us believe things that aren’t true
Like that we are ever separated
Or that I don’t love you
I carry each of you with me
Where ever I go
Because in my heart is a constant song singing
Of the love I feel for everyone I’ve known